DRABBLE: He Watched Me

[ishonn]

Title: He Watched Me
Rating: PG
Characters: R/S, Remus's POV
Word count: 100
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: Another idea rescued from a bad poem. The title was inspired by the way paulamcg entitles her stories, and I must immodestly admit I like it a lot.

He Watched Me“Okay,” I said, and he nodded with this solemn face

Comments

[paulamcg]

I assume you are not surprised to hear that I love this title. It looks unique, includes the essence of the story, doesn’t really reveal anything beforehand, and doesn’t add interpretations to the text.

The past tense works excellently. Yes, I stopped to examine it, perhaps partly because my first choice in short text is now always the present tense. I suppose it wouldn’t have been convincing to make us share Remus’s thoughts as worded in his mind at the time of the transformation. (Perhaps you could have written “I agreed” instead of “ I’d agreed”, couldn’t you?)

But there’s more to it than that, and I’m not sure if I catch the reason why it works so well. The word “came” - both in the second paragraph and in the fourth one - as well as the whole structure of the second paragraph, makes it all sound like a solemn account of a miracle or something, and the last, seemingly incomplete statement reinforces that effect. At the same time the phrases are simple and casual, starting with “okay”!

I love the frosty and bright morning.

And the middle paragraph (oh yes, there’s wonderful symmetry in the piece) contrasts so starkly with all the rest. Its details are actually very disturbing, uncomfortable for me to read. (And you know that this is not criticism, on the contrary.) I don’t know if I can promise to say more about it later.

In any case, I admire this piece. I hope that you are happy about this development of your “bad” poems.

[ishonn]

I’m just finishing my letter to you (okay, almost finishing), but I can’t resist replying to your wonderful comments immediately.

I’m so glad you liked the title! The original poem was “Staying”, or “Staying (II)” - to distinguish it from the other one. However, as I made it into the drabble, I wanted to look for another, better title. In a spark of undeniable genius I remembered the way you entitled some of your stories and used the idea.

I agree that a present tense wouldn’t be quite as convincing, particularly that I wanted Remus’s thoughts to be calm and smooth, which they couldn’t possibly be during the transformations. Wording it so perfectly, you made me realise that that’s exactly what I was trying to catch: the quality of a miracle, recalled in peace but with no less wonder. I’m thrilled that I managed to convey it with the text’s structure. I’ve just become aware of the character of And I knew. It reminds me of some profession of faith, do you also have this association?

I did write “I agreed”, and changed it into Past Perfect only while posting, as I realised something was wrong. Remus agrees in that he says “Okay”. If I say: “So I agreed …”, it would mean he first said “Okay” and then agreed. I am making sense, right? However, you’re absolutely right that “So I agreed …” would sound better, lighter. Argh … Do you think I could ignore grammatical logic here and return to Past Simple?

Disturbing, uncomfortable - you must realise how happy I am to see these expressions can refer to my story. I must ask you, though, if you don’t find this part: the full moon’s light dispersed in me strange or overblown? I really had this image, but I’m not sure if it works in words as well as it does as a picture.

I’m glad you liked the morning; it appeared only in the prose version. Ha, you don’t believe the poem is bad? I can send it to you for reference if you like, along with the other one - you’ll see yourself. I’m incredibly glad that I realised they were meant to be prose.

Thank you so much for another piece of thoughtful, wise feedback.

[paulamcg]

I can’t help feeling that your original one-word title sounds very abstract or sterile or something - not as real (like a part of Remus’s experience) as the one you ended up choosing. On the other hand, perhaps I shouldn’t tempt you to start using shameless first-person titles, as there is probably bias against them.

I wanted Remus’s thoughts to be calm and smooth, which they couldn’t possibly be during the transformations

This reminds me of how you found the wording of my Remus’s thoughts too complex in his post-transformation state in Change in Direction. Perhaps I should have given up my favourite tense in that drabble.

I don’t feel there’s anything wrong about “So I agreed”. I read it in such a way that Remus repeats this first part in the sequence of events when listing them all. He doesn’t need to say what “had happened” before “the time came”. This works, because you are giving an account of past events. Instead, if you took us to share the current experience, you’d perhaps have to say “So I’ve agreed… and now that the time has come, the other two are waiting, but he is here.” I don’t know if this makes sense. I haven’t googled or anything like that… Perhaps the “so” makes you think the only grammatically correct alternative is “I’d agreed”, but I feel the “so” also defies grammar for the benefit of the wonder and miracle impression.

Now I’ve told you, after all, why the deities somehow disturbed me. Above all, of course, it is (quite positively) uncomfortable to read such a powerful description of how Remus feels during the transformation. I do like the idea of the full moon’s light dispersing in him, just because it is strange. However, I have to admit that I’m not sure about what image in evokes. I’m not supposed to see him in any light or darkness but to see what he sees. And I’ve always thought that he screws his eyes shut when the pain gets almost unbearable and soon after that his mind would be lost in darkness… so I think it fits.

Another more practical detail. I’ve always thought that Remus takes off his clothes before transforming. But I suppose you can argue that the wolf would tear them to shreds in any case, unless he left them outside of the room etc.

And now that I got to the concrit mode. Nodding “with his solemn face” looks a bit strange in my eyes, but perhaps it’s just me. And now I can’t think of anything else to say about it.

I’m definitely happy Remus got his morning. But it would be interesting to see the poem(s), too.

[ishonn]

I must agree with your remarks on the original title. I think I always tend to give my works such neat & tidy, boring titles, perhaps sterile, as you called it. They seem to fit my poems, where they often serve a special purpose, and I don’t have much experience with prose yet. Oh, now I feel tempted to use the shameless first-person titles the more if they indeed are shameless and the object of bias. You’re demoralising me …

I remembered our discussion on “ Change in Direction” myself when I wrote this, but I see an essential difference. Your Remus (apart from being yours) is older, wiser, and even though the pain hasn’t decreased over the years, he goes through a rather ‘normal’ transformation. For my Remus, on the other hand, this transformation is particularly emotionally charged: he allows Sirius to watch him. I don’t think he’d be able to verbalise his emotions coherently at that moment.

I see your point about “So I agreed”. I would be extremely happy to get back to the original, Past Simple version. It does sound better, more convincing … I need one more reference; hopefully it will turn out right. No, “so” isn’t at all responsible for my doubts. But how do you think it defies grammar here?

I’m glad you like the dispersing light and that it seems to agree with your own idea of Remus’s experience. It doesn’t evoke any concrete image of Remus in me, either, only a more abstract impression of what he feels. Thus what you say about his mind becoming lost in darkness ideally complements my thoughts.

The robes, yes. Actually I’d say he should take them off, myself. Argh … That’s what happens when you translate a poem into prose. Everything is supposed to be meant more literally, whereas in the poem it was just a part of the imagery, whether literal or not - it didn’t matter so much. I need to think about it. In any case thank you very much for pointing this out, and for the other piece of concrit. Let me ask for more: Do you think it would sound better as something like: and he nodded with this solemn face of his?

Oh, the poems are bad. But I’ll send them to you; I’m curious what you’ll say when you compare them with the drabbles. Yes, I’m shameless, I know.

And completely off-topic now, I did get to Revolt last night. I have many remarks of various kind and am already looking forward to discussing them with you, but for now I’d like you to know that I’m enjoying your story more with every instalment. Particularly now that, after becoming aware of it, I can observe the uniqueness of your Remus's voice consciously.

[paulamcg]

I don’t want you to become demoralised in all the ways I have. At least I hope I won’t make you regularly stay up too late.

I’ve started to realize that there is a difference between good titles for poems and good titles for prose... at least if the prose piece is some kind of a story, but perhaps in any case... It’s not to be a definition but somehow more concrete, at least seemingly about a single case or something...

Thank you for making me feel happier again about the present tense in that drabble of mine.

I remember someone telling me that I shouldn’t start a paragraph with “so” - or that a phrase starting with “so” can’t be an independent sentence. You must know so much more and so much more accurately. I haven’t studied English grammar since I was nineteen, and not at the university.

I’m happy you agree about Remus stripping. Seriously, perhaps it’s just me... I take everything so literally (or overread it) and nit-pick.

Now I think I’d like to suggest something like “When he nodded, his face was solemn” or “He nodded and his face was solemn.” You know better than I do whether a comma is needed. But I’m not saying your phrase is wrong.

Please send the poems. It’s very kind of you to tell me that they are bad, so I won’t end up praising your worst poems too much. I’ve just started thinking that I really don’t know much about poetry. (It must be a coincindence if, in your view, I managed to write two good poems in twenty years - over which I most probably wrote fewer than ten poems in English.

Thank you so much for everything, among other things for telling me how you enjoy Revolt (and for including the links in your post - so kind of you!) Feel free to post some comments publicly - small, preliminary ones, if you want - on the Revolt entry on my lj.

[ishonn]

It’s good to hear someone here cares about my morals. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t be able to stay up too late regularly, not with my getting up around 5 - 5.30 a.m.

I like what you say about the titles. However, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to apply this as a guideline. My titles often seem to just happen … I’m aware that sometimes I let the title somehow mislead the reader, suggest something and then defy it. That was the case of “A Prank”, wasn’t it, so it is with “Leaving” if you accept my own interpretation, and so it might be with “Coming Back”. Now I see, though, that actually I do sometimes choose your way and pick some expression used in the fic which has some particular significance: “Stolen Time”, “Grey”, “Who Cares”.

I can’t imagine “ Change in Direction” written in a past tense. It would lose so much: the whole amazing tangibility, the magic of the sun, the directness and relevance of the statements in the last paragraph. You also convinced me about your Remus’s ability to form complicated conclusions even when physically exhausted - and I’m getting to know him even better now, reading “ Revolt”.

I don’t think I’ve ever learnt any rules about (not) beginning a paragraph or a sentence with “so”. Then again, I’ve always been rather resistant to learning any rules of English; this blasted language has a thousand rules and a hundred exceptions from every one. I tend to trust my inner English grammar and can only hope it somehow corresponds to the official rules. Seriously, though, I’m aware it’s unusual to begin a sentence like that, but I also feel it’s a construction that naturally reflects the flow of thoughts and their logic. I’m glad you pointed it out at any rate. I’m wondering now if it’s very jarring. I don’t feel ready to change it.

It’s good that you nit-pick, and I’m very grateful for your patient explanations and suggestions! Please don’t hesitate to always mention anything that catches your eye, even if you expect it might be overreading.

I’m afraid I’m not up to change the “solemn face” phrase yet, either. It wasn’t even for the purpose of meeting the word limit that I wrote it … I need to think about it.

It’s very kind of you to tell me that they are bad, so I won’t end up praising your worst poems too much. Hah very hah. Who said worst? And don’t mistake my play-safe attitude for forewarning. Honestly, I don’t suppose I know much about poetry myself. I definitely don’t read enough. But what exactly are you calling a coincidence? I’m afraid I don’t fully understand.

Really, it’s me who should thank for so much …

[paulamcg]

I’m aware that sometimes I let the title somehow mislead the reader, suggest something and then defy it. That was the case of “A Prank”, wasn’t it, so it is with “Leaving”
Do you do this with titles for poems, too?

Thank you again for what you said about Change in Direction. I just hope my Remus is not too amazing.

beginning a paragraph or a sentence with “so” … naturally reflects the flow of thoughts and their logic.
I agree. And I don’t find it jarring at all here. I meant to say earlier that this construction serves you well in achieving a tone which suits an account of a miracle.

I wonder if you want to imply that Sirius’s face is always/often solemn, not only in this situation. Oh, have you now changed the expression? Or was it this - not his - all the time? Now… I like the combination of this and the past tense (using it, too). It seems to add something like immediacy to the perception. And in this case it makes me wonder how this experience permanently changed Sirius’s attitude towards Remus. Perhaps this is a good example of my overreading, but this is obviously a meaningful story about a turning point.

I mean that I haven’t read or seriously tried to write much poetry. If the single poem I wrote after more than a decade of writing nothing (and after one year of writing Revolt) happens to be good, I can’t help feeling it’s a coincidence - even though that doesn’t make much sense. It is, of course, a result of some experiences, but certainly not based on intentionally learning what good poems are like.

[ishonn]

I actually made a point of looking through all my last poems (Can you believe they’re over 50? In one year, or more precisely in ten months? I still can’t …) and I didn’t find even one with such a misleading title. Even if I do defy what I’m writing in a way, or suddenly twist the meaning - as in “Watching” or “Fear”, and perhaps even “Aren’t You” - the title remains either a summary or a clue, the key to the poem.

Thank you so much for continuing to discuss concrit. No, I absolutely don’t want to imply that Sirius’s face is more often solemn. What I want to say is that - as everyone - he has his own, specific expression of seriousness (no pun intended, I swear!), of solemnity: an expression that Remus knows by heart and recognises immediately. It’s a sign of certain ease in being around each other. No, I haven’t yet changed anything, it’s been this all the time. I’m glad you appreciate the effect, and I like your reflections on it a lot. Immediacy … Yes, that must be it.

I’ve discussed the problematic phrases with a specialist whom I really trust about grammar issues and according to that I’ll be most happy and relieved to change the tense back from Past Perfect. I really need to listen to my instinct more instead of tinkering about the phrases and thinking up problems.

I don’t see why it should be a coincidence and not just your writing well, with a feeling for words and emotions they can evoke. I’m afraid I, too, have no idea what a good poem should be like and I’ve never learned how to write them. I merely set up a few rules for myself and stick to them, trying to make my poems look good to me. I hope to be able to judge if they are good as my poems, and that’s about it.

[paulamcg]

That’s what I thought: the titles of your poems aren’t misleading. And congratulations on the prolific period! I trust it’ll continue.

I’ve just noticed that in December you made several entries I didn’t have time to comment on. Thank you once again for continuing all these discussions. Yesterday evening and earlier today I caught myself checking my email every now and then, even though I already had comments to reply to.

he has his own, specific expression of seriousness
Oh, I should have realized that! I think I understand now exactly what you mean and I like it a lot. In fact, “his solemn face”, too, could convey that meaning. I wonder why I didn’t get it immediately. Perhaps it’s just that it is difficult to give a meaning to a short phrase (or a single word) when there isn’t much context - when the whole text is very short and particularly when we are at the very beginning of it. That’s why drabbles and poems must be reread, I suppose. And reread with an open mind in order to share the moment with the character, not only to check possible errors. Besides, I’m afraid I didn’t read carefully at all, as I managed to see “this” as “his”.

I’m glad you’re now sure you can stick to “I agreed”. I suppose it’s not easy for us to listen to our instinct when we write in this language. And I’m afraid I was brought up to respect rules too much. My instinct still doesn’t manage to tell me that I should give up the past perfect when I’m giving an account of what had happened before. But I’ve felt all the time that here the past perfect was not needed.

No, I suppose I’m not a monkey who just happened to end up with a poem when typing. And perhaps this means that I should have written more a long time ago, tried to learn more through a lot of practice. And I should write at least a bit faster now, not stopping to stare at my words and thinking up problems.

And it’s wise of you to just work on your poems. Of course, you must agree that it’s important to have read something and even to have found a particular poet whom you admire, but how could we have general rules for good poems?

Oh, there’s a(n aspiring) poet (and R/S writer) on my f-list: framlingem. Perhaps you’d like to get to know her. She hasn’t posted much poetry (or fic) recently, but today she posted a poem by someone she admires.

[ishonn]

Am right to assume then you didn’t feel defied by my titles?

Yes, indeed I posted quite much in December - and I’ll be looking forward to your comments on whatever you like. I’m considering posting soon (tonight?) at least some of my ‘longer’ fics; it seems I won’t get any further with them by myself, I need to drag them out in the open to have a better look and perhaps get some help.

I hope I didn’t disappoint you today. I gave up my resolution to limit my fandom activities to evenings only, as I realised I’d only postpone studying anyway and end up doing neither.

I’m glad you understand my choice so well now, although I’m worried that it might not come through due to the brevity of the text. Hopefully rereading can let the reader grasp the full meaning of the expressions I use.

No, I suppose I’m not a monkey who just happened to end up with a poem when typing.
No, but what I mean is I’m not surprised that you of all people wrote a good poem, or a poem that can evoke feelings in a reader, or whatever we choose to call it. There is more poetry, poesy in your stories than in many poems I have read, or written. It’s just wonderful that you were able to let this poesy out in the form of a poem.

And perhaps this means that I should have written more a long time ago …
Do you think you could have? I have no power over my writing, in any case not the poems. I can’t write when they don’t come to me. It’s a part of the miracle, but during silence I can’t help thinking of it as a curse, too.

I don’t believe in something like good poems, or good art in general. I believe in art that moves me. I understand that people can admire certain artists, but I don’t think much of works signed with the best names if they don’t stir anything, if they don’t make me feel or think. And thus I - like you, apparently - don’t think I can accept something like general rules. This shouldn’t contradict what I said earlier about my own rules, because they apply to my poems. I’ve read numerous works that defied these rules and I enjoyed them anyway.

Thank you very much for continuing this wonderful conversation - it is very important to me. I’m also grateful for the recommendation of your friend; I’ve briefly checked her LJ and was bold enough to try and comment on one of her poems. I shall see whether we will get to know each other.

[paulamcg]

No, your poem titles are reassuring even when a twist in the text is uncomfortable or otherwise challenging.

I’m looking forward to seeing your longer fics, no matter whether you still consider them drafts. I trust they won’t be too long for me to read them somehow soon.

How could you have possibly disappointed me? I enjoy being interrupted by new email(notification)s when I work on my fic, and recently I’ve checked particularly in order to see if you’ve said something to me again.

Hopefully rereading can let the reader grasp the full meaning of the expressions I use.
A good text can acquire new meanings when it’s read again, right?

Thank you for what you say about my stories and poesy. I think someone’s said to me that she’d like to turn (something in) my stories into a poem, and someone else that I should try to write poems, but I’ve been happy to keep the poesy in these stories, as I’ve been told that it’s not the same thing as flowery language.

Do you think you could have? I have no power over my writing …
I don’t know, probably not decent poetry. In any case it’s always useless to think about what I should have done. But I’ve been told that at least prosaists simply need to keep writing - to try to have control.

Perhaps it’s just more difficult to give a chance to art which is signed with a name we’ve never heard anything good about - or art which defies the rules we’ve chosen for ourselves.

framlingem posted a new poem yesterday, and I commented, also in order to mention you. And I read your wonderful review. I hope she’ll reply.

[ishonn]

your poem titles are reassuring
I like this idea, although perhaps I wouldn’t think of it myself.

I don’t expect my ‘longer’ fics to be a lot of trouble due to their length: they’re between 550 and 1320 words. Longer indeed …

It seems we share the messages-waiting. Fortunately, my mail gets checked by itself every five minutes and if anything’s arrived on the ayin address, a white pigeon in goggles with an envelope appears on my screen. (Of course I had to name him. He’s Jonas. Don’t ask me why - I have no idea.) However, sometimes I seem to spend inordinate amounts of time staring at the program icon and willing Jonas to show up.

Definitely a good text can acquire new meanings when reread. “His Face Shines …” is my favourite example, although not the only one. Oh. I’ve just realised that in this case ‘good’ applies to “He Watched Me”. Oh. Thank you!

No, I’d never say that flowery language is synonymous or even close to poesy. Not that I have anything against flowery language. I just think that poesy is so much, much more; a most specific feature. Your fiction definitely has it.

Now I must thank you not only for mentioning framlingem to me, but also vice versa. I really enjoyed the poem I commented on. I expect it could be very interesting to meet and perhaps get to know other people writing poems, read, give and receive feedback, exchange experience and thoughts. At any rate I’m very grateful for giving me the opportunity!