DRABBLE: He Watched Me

[ishonn]

Title: He Watched Me
Rating: PG
Characters: R/S, Remus's POV
Word count: 100
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: Another idea rescued from a bad poem. The title was inspired by the way paulamcg entitles her stories, and I must immodestly admit I like it a lot.

He Watched Me“Okay,” I said, and he nodded with this solemn face

Comments

[paulamcg]

I assume you are not surprised to hear that I love this title. It looks unique, includes the essence of the story, doesn’t really reveal anything beforehand, and doesn’t add interpretations to the text

[ishonn]

I’m just finishing my letter to you (okay, almost finishing), but I can’t resist replying to your wonderful comments immediately.

I’m so glad you liked the title! The original poem was “Staying”, or “Staying (II)” - to distinguish it from the other one. However, as I made it into the drabble, I wanted to look for another, better title. In a spark of undeniable genius I remembered the way you entitled some of your stories and used the idea.

I agree that a present tense wouldn’t be quite as convincing, particularly that I wanted Remus’s thoughts to be calm and smooth, which they couldn’t possibly be during the transformations. Wording it so perfectly, you made me realise that that’s exactly what I was trying to catch: the quality of a miracle, recalled in peace but with no less wonder. I’m thrilled that I managed to convey it with the text’s structure. I’ve just become aware of the character of And I knew. It reminds me of some profession of faith, do you also have this association

[paulamcg]

I can’t help feeling that your original one-word title sounds very abstract or sterile or something - not as real (like a part of Remus’s experience) as the one you ended up choosing. On the other hand, perhaps I shouldn’t tempt you to start using shameless first-person titles, as there is probably bias against them.

I wanted Remus’s thoughts to be calm and smooth, which they couldn’t possibly be during the transformationsThis reminds me of how you found the wording of my Remus’s thoughts too complex in his post-transformation state in Change in Direction. Perhaps I should have given up my favourite tense in that drabble

[ishonn]

I must agree with your remarks on the original title. I think I always tend to give my works such neat & tidy, boring titles, perhaps sterile, as you called it. They seem to fit my poems, where they often serve a special purpose, and I don’t have much experience with prose yet. Oh, now I feel tempted to use the shameless first-person titles the more if they indeed are shameless and the object of bias. You’re demoralising me …

I remembered our discussion on “ Change in Direction” myself when I wrote this, but I see an essential difference. Your Remus (apart from being yours) is older, wiser, and even though the pain hasn’t decreased over the years, he goes through a rather ‘normal’ transformation. For my Remus, on the other hand, this transformation is particularly emotionally charged: he allows Sirius to watch him. I don’t think he’d be able to verbalise his emotions coherently at that moment

[paulamcg]

I don’t want you to become demoralised in all the ways I have. At least I hope I won’t make you regularly stay up too late

[ishonn]

It’s good to hear someone here cares about my morals. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t be able to stay up too late regularly, not with my getting up around 5 - 5.30 a.m.

I like what you say about the titles. However, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to apply this as a guideline. My titles often seem to just happen … I’m aware that sometimes I let the title somehow mislead the reader, suggest something and then defy it. That was the case of “A Prank”, wasn’t it, so it is with “Leaving” if you accept my own interpretation, and so it might be with “Coming Back”. Now I see, though, that actually I do sometimes choose your way and pick some expression used in the fic which has some particular significance: “Stolen Time”, “Grey”, “Who Cares”.

I can’t imagine “ Change in Direction” written in a past tense. It would lose so much: the whole amazing tangibility, the magic of the sun, the directness and relevance of the statements in the last paragraph. You also convinced me about your Remus’s ability to form complicated conclusions even when physically

[paulamcg]

I’m aware that sometimes I let the title somehow mislead the reader, suggest something and then defy it. That was the case of “A Prank”, wasn’t it, so it is with “Leaving”
Do you do this with titles for poems, too?

Thank you again for what you said about Change in Direction. I just hope my Remus is not too amazing.

beginning a paragraph or a sentence with “so” … naturally reflects the flow of thoughts and their logic.
I agree. And I don’t find it jarring at all here. I meant to say earlier that this construction serves you well in achieving a tone which suits an account of a miracle.

I wonder if you want to imply that Sirius’s face is always/often solemn, not only in this situation. Oh, have you now changed the expression? Or was it this - not his - all the time? Now… I like the combination of this and the past tense (using it, too). It seems to add something like immediacy to the perception. And in this case it makes me wonder how this experience permanently changed Sirius’s attitude towards Remus. Perhaps this is a good example

[ishonn]

I actually made a point of looking through all my last poems (Can you believe they’re over 50? In one year, or more precisely in ten months? I still can’t …) and I didn’t find even one with such a misleading title. Even if I do defy what I’m writing in a way, or suddenly twist the meaning - as in “Watching” or “Fear”, and perhaps even “Aren’t You” - the title remains either a summary or a clue, the key to the poem.

Thank you so much for continuing to discuss concrit. No, I absolutely don’t want to imply that Sirius’s face is more often solemn. What I want to say is that - as everyone - he has his own, specific expression of seriousness (no pun intended, I swear!), of solemnity: an expression that Remus knows by heart and recognises immediately. It’s a sign of certain ease in being around each other. No, I haven’t yet changed anything, it’s been this all the time. I’m glad you appreciate the effect, and I like your reflections on it a lot. Immediacy … Yes, that must be it

[paulamcg]

That’s what I thought: the titles of your poems aren’t misleading. And congratulations on the prolific period! I trust it’ll continue.

I’ve just noticed that in December you made several entries I didn’t have time to comment on. Thank you once again for continuing all these discussions. Yesterday evening and earlier today I caught myself checking my email every now and then, even though I already had comments to reply to.

he has his own, specific expression of seriousnessOh, I should have realized that! I think I understand now exactly what you mean and I like it a lot. In fact, “his solemn face”, too, could convey that meaning. I wonder why I didn’t get it immediately. Perhaps it’s just that it is difficult to give a meaning to a short phrase (or a single word) when there isn’t much context - when the whole text is very short and particularly when we are at the very beginning of it. That’s why drabbles and poems must be reread, I suppose. And reread with an open mind in order to share the moment with the character, not only to

[ishonn]

Am right to assume then you didn’t feel defied by my titles?

Yes, indeed I posted quite much in December - and I’ll be looking forward to your comments on whatever you like. I’m considering posting soon (tonight?) at least some of my ‘longer’ fics; it seems I won’t get any further with them by myself, I need to drag them out in the open to have a better look and perhaps get some help.

I hope I didn’t disappoint you today. I gave up my resolution to limit my fandom activities to evenings only, as I realised I’d only postpone studying anyway and end up doing neither.

I’m glad you understand my choice so well now, although I’m worried that it might not come through due to the brevity of the text. Hopefully rereading can let the reader grasp the full meaning of the expressions I use.

No, I suppose I’m not a monkey who just happened to end up with a poem when typing.
No, but what I mean is I’m not surprised that you of all people wrote a good poem, or a poem that can evoke feelings in a reader, or whatever we choose to call it. There

[paulamcg]

No, your poem titles are reassuring even when a twist in the text is uncomfortable or otherwise challenging.

I’m looking forward to seeing your longer fics, no matter whether you still consider them drafts. I trust they won’t be too long for me to read them somehow soon.

How could you have possibly disappointed me? I enjoy being interrupted by new email(notification)s when I work on my fic, and recently I’ve checked particularly in order to see if you’ve said something to me again.

Hopefully rereading can let the reader grasp the full meaning of the expressions I use.
A good text can acquire new meanings when it’s read again, right?

Thank you for what you say about my stories and poesy. I think someone’s said to me that she’d like to turn (something in) my stories into a poem, and someone else that I should try to write poems, but I’ve been happy to keep the poesy in these stories, as I’ve been told that it’s not the same thing as flowery language.

Do you think you could have? I have no power over my writing …I don’t know,

[ishonn]

your poem titles are reassuring
I like this idea, although perhaps I wouldn’t think of it myself.

I don’t expect my ‘longer’ fics to be a lot of trouble due to their length: they’re between 550 and 1320 words. Longer indeed …

It seems we share the messages-waiting. Fortunately, my mail gets checked by itself every five minutes and if anything’s arrived on the ayin address, a white pigeon in goggles with an envelope appears on my screen. (Of course I had to name him. He’s Jonas. Don’t ask me why - I have no idea.) However, sometimes I seem to spend inordinate amounts of time staring at the program icon and willing Jonas to show up.

Definitely a good text can acquire new meanings when reread. “His Face Shines …” is my favourite example, although not the only one. Oh. I’ve just realised that in this case ‘good’ applies to “He Watched Me”. Oh. Thank you