DRABBLE: He Watched Me
Title: He Watched Me
Rating: PG
Characters: R/S, Remus's POV
Word count: 100
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: Another idea rescued from a bad poem. The title was inspired by the way paulamcg entitles her stories, and I must immodestly admit I like it a lot.
He Watched Me“Okay,” I said, and he nodded with this solemn face ( Read more... )
Rating: PG
Characters: R/S, Remus's POV
Word count: 100
Disclaimer: I disclaim.
A/N: Another idea rescued from a bad poem. The title was inspired by the way paulamcg entitles her stories, and I must immodestly admit I like it a lot.
He Watched Me“Okay,” I said, and he nodded with this solemn face ( Read more... )
I like what you say about the titles. However, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to apply this as a guideline. My titles often seem to just happen … I’m aware that sometimes I let the title somehow mislead the reader, suggest something and then defy it. That was the case of “A Prank”, wasn’t it, so it is with “Leaving” if you accept my own interpretation, and so it might be with “Coming Back”. Now I see, though, that actually I do sometimes choose your way and pick some expression used in the fic which has some particular significance: “Stolen Time”, “Grey”, “Who Cares”.
I can’t imagine “ Change in Direction” written in a past tense. It would lose so much: the whole amazing tangibility, the magic of the sun, the directness and relevance of the statements in the last paragraph. You also convinced me about your Remus’s ability to form complicated conclusions even when physically exhausted - and I’m getting to know him even better now, reading “ Revolt”.
I don’t think I’ve ever learnt any rules about (not) beginning a paragraph or a sentence with “so”. Then again, I’ve always been rather resistant to learning any rules of English; this blasted language has a thousand rules and a hundred exceptions from every one. I tend to trust my inner English grammar and can only hope it somehow corresponds to the official rules. Seriously, though, I’m aware it’s unusual to begin a sentence like that, but I also feel it’s a construction that naturally reflects the flow of thoughts and their logic. I’m glad you pointed it out at any rate. I’m wondering now if it’s very jarring. I don’t feel ready to change it.
It’s good that you nit-pick, and I’m very grateful for your patient explanations and suggestions! Please don’t hesitate to always mention anything that catches your eye, even if you expect it might be overreading.
I’m afraid I’m not up to change the “solemn face” phrase yet, either. It wasn’t even for the purpose of meeting the word limit that I wrote it … I need to think about it.
It’s very kind of you to tell me that they are bad, so I won’t end up praising your worst poems too much. Hah very hah. Who said worst? And don’t mistake my play-safe attitude for forewarning. Honestly, I don’t suppose I know much about poetry myself. I definitely don’t read enough. But what exactly are you calling a coincidence? I’m afraid I don’t fully understand.
Really, it’s me who should thank for so much …
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Do you do this with titles for poems, too?
Thank you again for what you said about Change in Direction. I just hope my Remus is not too amazing.
beginning a paragraph or a sentence with “so” … naturally reflects the flow of thoughts and their logic.
I agree. And I don’t find it jarring at all here. I meant to say earlier that this construction serves you well in achieving a tone which suits an account of a miracle.
I wonder if you want to imply that Sirius’s face is always/often solemn, not only in this situation. Oh, have you now changed the expression? Or was it this - not his - all the time? Now… I like the combination of this and the past tense (using it, too). It seems to add something like immediacy to the perception. And in this case it makes me wonder how this experience permanently changed Sirius’s attitude towards Remus. Perhaps this is a good example of my overreading, but this is obviously a meaningful story about a turning point.
I mean that I haven’t read or seriously tried to write much poetry. If the single poem I wrote after more than a decade of writing nothing (and after one year of writing Revolt) happens to be good, I can’t help feeling it’s a coincidence - even though that doesn’t make much sense. It is, of course, a result of some experiences, but certainly not based on intentionally learning what good poems are like.
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Thank you so much for continuing to discuss concrit. No, I absolutely don’t want to imply that Sirius’s face is more often solemn. What I want to say is that - as everyone - he has his own, specific expression of seriousness (no pun intended, I swear!), of solemnity: an expression that Remus knows by heart and recognises immediately. It’s a sign of certain ease in being around each other. No, I haven’t yet changed anything, it’s been this all the time. I’m glad you appreciate the effect, and I like your reflections on it a lot. Immediacy … Yes, that must be it.
I’ve discussed the problematic phrases with a specialist whom I really trust about grammar issues and according to that I’ll be most happy and relieved to change the tense back from Past Perfect. I really need to listen to my instinct more instead of tinkering about the phrases and thinking up problems.
I don’t see why it should be a coincidence and not just your writing well, with a feeling for words and emotions they can evoke. I’m afraid I, too, have no idea what a good poem should be like and I’ve never learned how to write them. I merely set up a few rules for myself and stick to them, trying to make my poems look good to me. I hope to be able to judge if they are good as my poems, and that’s about it.
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I’ve just noticed that in December you made several entries I didn’t have time to comment on. Thank you once again for continuing all these discussions. Yesterday evening and earlier today I caught myself checking my email every now and then, even though I already had comments to reply to.
he has his own, specific expression of seriousness
Oh, I should have realized that! I think I understand now exactly what you mean and I like it a lot. In fact, “his solemn face”, too, could convey that meaning. I wonder why I didn’t get it immediately. Perhaps it’s just that it is difficult to give a meaning to a short phrase (or a single word) when there isn’t much context - when the whole text is very short and particularly when we are at the very beginning of it. That’s why drabbles and poems must be reread, I suppose. And reread with an open mind in order to share the moment with the character, not only to check possible errors. Besides, I’m afraid I didn’t read carefully at all, as I managed to see “this” as “his”.
I’m glad you’re now sure you can stick to “I agreed”. I suppose it’s not easy for us to listen to our instinct when we write in this language. And I’m afraid I was brought up to respect rules too much. My instinct still doesn’t manage to tell me that I should give up the past perfect when I’m giving an account of what had happened before. But I’ve felt all the time that here the past perfect was not needed.
No, I suppose I’m not a monkey who just happened to end up with a poem when typing. And perhaps this means that I should have written more a long time ago, tried to learn more through a lot of practice. And I should write at least a bit faster now, not stopping to stare at my words and thinking up problems.
And it’s wise of you to just work on your poems. Of course, you must agree that it’s important to have read something and even to have found a particular poet whom you admire, but how could we have general rules for good poems?
Oh, there’s a(n aspiring) poet (and R/S writer) on my f-list: framlingem. Perhaps you’d like to get to know her. She hasn’t posted much poetry (or fic) recently, but today she posted a poem by someone she admires.
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Yes, indeed I posted quite much in December - and I’ll be looking forward to your comments on whatever you like. I’m considering posting soon (tonight?) at least some of my ‘longer’ fics; it seems I won’t get any further with them by myself, I need to drag them out in the open to have a better look and perhaps get some help.
I hope I didn’t disappoint you today. I gave up my resolution to limit my fandom activities to evenings only, as I realised I’d only postpone studying anyway and end up doing neither.
I’m glad you understand my choice so well now, although I’m worried that it might not come through due to the brevity of the text. Hopefully rereading can let the reader grasp the full meaning of the expressions I use.
No, I suppose I’m not a monkey who just happened to end up with a poem when typing.
No, but what I mean is I’m not surprised that you of all people wrote a good poem, or a poem that can evoke feelings in a reader, or whatever we choose to call it. There is more poetry, poesy in your stories than in many poems I have read, or written. It’s just wonderful that you were able to let this poesy out in the form of a poem.
And perhaps this means that I should have written more a long time ago …
Do you think you could have? I have no power over my writing, in any case not the poems. I can’t write when they don’t come to me. It’s a part of the miracle, but during silence I can’t help thinking of it as a curse, too.
I don’t believe in something like good poems, or good art in general. I believe in art that moves me. I understand that people can admire certain artists, but I don’t think much of works signed with the best names if they don’t stir anything, if they don’t make me feel or think. And thus I - like you, apparently - don’t think I can accept something like general rules. This shouldn’t contradict what I said earlier about my own rules, because they apply to my poems. I’ve read numerous works that defied these rules and I enjoyed them anyway.
Thank you very much for continuing this wonderful conversation - it is very important to me. I’m also grateful for the recommendation of your friend; I’ve briefly checked her LJ and was bold enough to try and comment on one of her poems. I shall see whether we will get to know each other.
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I’m looking forward to seeing your longer fics, no matter whether you still consider them drafts. I trust they won’t be too long for me to read them somehow soon.
How could you have possibly disappointed me? I enjoy being interrupted by new email(notification)s when I work on my fic, and recently I’ve checked particularly in order to see if you’ve said something to me again.
Hopefully rereading can let the reader grasp the full meaning of the expressions I use.
A good text can acquire new meanings when it’s read again, right?
Thank you for what you say about my stories and poesy. I think someone’s said to me that she’d like to turn (something in) my stories into a poem, and someone else that I should try to write poems, but I’ve been happy to keep the poesy in these stories, as I’ve been told that it’s not the same thing as flowery language.
Do you think you could have? I have no power over my writing …
I don’t know, probably not decent poetry. In any case it’s always useless to think about what I should have done. But I’ve been told that at least prosaists simply need to keep writing - to try to have control.
Perhaps it’s just more difficult to give a chance to art which is signed with a name we’ve never heard anything good about - or art which defies the rules we’ve chosen for ourselves.
framlingem posted a new poem yesterday, and I commented, also in order to mention you. And I read your wonderful review. I hope she’ll reply.
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I like this idea, although perhaps I wouldn’t think of it myself.
I don’t expect my ‘longer’ fics to be a lot of trouble due to their length: they’re between 550 and 1320 words. Longer indeed …
It seems we share the messages-waiting. Fortunately, my mail gets checked by itself every five minutes and if anything’s arrived on the ayin address, a white pigeon in goggles with an envelope appears on my screen. (Of course I had to name him. He’s Jonas. Don’t ask me why - I have no idea.) However, sometimes I seem to spend inordinate amounts of time staring at the program icon and willing Jonas to show up.
Definitely a good text can acquire new meanings when reread. “His Face Shines …” is my favourite example, although not the only one. Oh. I’ve just realised that in this case ‘good’ applies to “He Watched Me”. Oh. Thank you!
No, I’d never say that flowery language is synonymous or even close to poesy. Not that I have anything against flowery language. I just think that poesy is so much, much more; a most specific feature. Your fiction definitely has it.
Now I must thank you not only for mentioning framlingem to me, but also vice versa. I really enjoyed the poem I commented on. I expect it could be very interesting to meet and perhaps get to know other people writing poems, read, give and receive feedback, exchange experience and thoughts. At any rate I’m very grateful for giving me the opportunity!
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