star trek: measure of a man (Year One: Part II)
Day 91, Hour 17
Leonard is setting up for his shift in medical when he overhears Freed and Blake, another hotshot doctor, bring up his name in conversation from the next room. He hadn’t really been listening before, but he pauses what he’s doing so he can hear better. They’re speaking just above a whisper, but both their voices carry so he has no problem making out what they’re saying.
“What do you think of the old guy, McCoy?”
Blake snorts. “He has this whole holier-than-thou attitude going on. And his bedside manner sucks.”
“I’ve seen cadavers that look as though they had better personality than he does.”
Leonard rolls his eyes. Of course they’re gossiping. It’s possible they don’t know he’s here because they weren’t there when he came in a bit ago, but still.
“He does have some serious skills, though.” There’s a brief silence as Blake considers his words. “But you’re right. He walks around here as though he’s better than all of us. Because he’s seen more.”
“And that’s only because he’s so fucking old.”
Leonard frowns while they chuckle.
He has half a mind to step out there and snap, You try working at a free clinic in a poor town in Iowa and see if you come out the same. Age has nothing to do with it.
But he stays where he is, getting angrier with each passing second.
“And besides, there’s a rumor going around that he hates flying. I remember him from the shuttle, I can believe it. So what if he’s a good doc. If he can’t get on a fucking starship, what the hell is he doing here?”
Freed guffaws. “He may be good enough to survive the Academy, but if he can’t fly it’ll be between you and me come graduation, man. And Winfrey and Clark…”
The introduction of the new names moves the gossip along, and his anger fades as he processes what he heard. There was truth in it-he’s at least that much aware of himself to acknowledge that-and that’s why he can’t be angry. Had he really been so involved in his own work that he’d lost touch with how he was coming off to the other doctors? And when he wasn’t working, he was dealing with Jim.
Shit.
He knows being good will get him only so far-if he doesn’t have a positive working reputation among the other doctors, that won’t matter after a certain point. And there’s still the whole flying thing. Even thinking about getting on a starship-hell, another shuttle-makes him sick to his stomach.
He’s going to have to do some damage control. And soon.
Day 97, Hour 22
Leonard is cleaning up his station at the end of his Friday shift with Blake when Freed saunters in.
“Hey man, you’re coming out to the bar tonight, right?”
The question is directed towards Blake, but then Freed sees Leonard in the other corner. “You’re invited too, McCoy. If you even go to bars.”
Blake snickers, but Leonard sees the invitation for what it is, as nothing more than forced politeness. It’s clear they’ve already made plans for the evening, and they weren’t meant to include him. Jim asked him out for a drink earlier but Leonard declined, using work as an excuse. It was mostly true, and as much as he wants to say no to these assholes, he knows he also needs to make a better effort at getting along with them.
“Of course I do,” Leonard snorts, “I can put booze away as well as the next man.”
Freed scoffs. “Now that’s something I’d like to see.”
“I could drink you under the table,” Blake proclaims.
Leonard rolls his eyes, though the action is directed more at Blake’s arrogance than the challenge. “You wish.”
If this is how he has to earn their respect, then so be it.
Day 98, Hour 3
What he hadn’t counted on was running into Jim at the bar.
Leonard is on his fourth beer when they make eye contact across the room, and even with the distance of a crowded floor between them, the moment is awkward and charged with tension. He can’t tell if Jim is with anyone-in fact, it looks as though Jim is drinking by himself at the moment-but Leonard can see Jim noting the group he’s with, and though he nods at him, his mouth is set in a thin line. Leonard is surprised he actually does want to tell him that he hadn’t meant to give him the shaft like this, that it’s not what it looks like, but the circumstances make that impossible.
As a whole, the doctors tend to stick together, pretty much exclusive to those on other career tracks. And Leonard knows that, if he wants to improve his standing with them, he’s going to have to do this more often.
He hadn’t expected to feel guilty, however, and the feeling doesn’t quite go away.
Day 100, Hour 15
The approaching winter holiday means more work than ever, and doesn’t leave a lot of time to think about issues with his social life.
The whole situation is new to him, because he’s still getting used to even having a social life. And now, suddenly, he has two social groups he has to navigate: the other doctors, and Jim.
Fuck.
Maybe he is too old for all this school shit.
Day 108, Hour 11
Leonard assumes Jim is going home for break-he doesn’t really know anything about his home life, but he has to at least have a mother or sibling to see-and he doesn’t want the sympathy that will come when he says he’s staying at the Academy. So he subtly starts avoiding him, which actually isn’t that hard. He has five finals to study for, and he still needs to put in hours at the clinic, and he’s so busy it’s difficult to get even three hours of sleep a night.
He sees Jim after class, long enough to make small talk. Something feels a little off about him, but Leonard’s too focused on his own problems to give it much consideration. Hell, maybe the intense work of final season even gets to Jim.
But he knows this tendency of his to neglect everything and everyone else in his life when work grows to be too much caused some, if not most, of the strain of his marriage. He knows this side of him, and yet it’s almost as if his drive completely takes over sometimes, turning him into a different person. A less likable, gruff person with no patience for other people.
Maybe he just isn’t meant to have a close relationship with anyone.
He wasn’t even able to manage one with his parents-so much for unconditional love.
Perhaps this friendship wasn’t really meant to be after all.
Day 115, Hour 15
Leonard hates Christmas, and anything to do with the holidays.
They just remind him of the family he had, and lost.
At least booze is always dependable, and as long as he’s drunk enough he can cope with just about anything. Even this time of year.
Day 122, Hour 4
He spent the entirety of the break in a bourbon-induced stupor, only bothering to get up from his bed to eat. The doctor in him couldn’t quite give in to complete and utter laziness and self-neglect, as tempting as it was.
So when someone pounds loudly on his door, he’s so disoriented he can’t immediately separate it from the pounding in his head. Until a voice follows it.
“Bones! Hey Bones, you in there?”
It’s been a day since he’s had a drink, but the alcohol still in his system has made him sluggish, and he hasn’t spoken to anyone since break started so he doesn’t quite trust his vocal chords to operate properly.
He doesn’t say anything, and eventually, Jim goes away.
Day 125, Hour 20
Leonard feels surprisingly refreshed for the first day of class.
Now that the alcohol-induced haze has faded, everything seems a little clearer, and he has renewed determination to succeed. He thinks lack of sleep and nightmares probably aggravated most of the problems, because now he’s not even sure what some of them were.
He does remember that Jim came by at one point, which he thinks is odd because he was sure the kid had gone home. Unless he came back early, or something. He doesn’t see Jim all day though, and since he’s still feeling some lingering guilt over their awkward encounter in the bar, he goes to find him. It takes a while to remember where his dorm is, but eventually he does.
He knocks loudly on the door but here’s no response.
Frowning, Leonard tries again and waits outside for at least fifteen minutes, but he doesn’t even hear any indication that Jim’s in the room. Whatever. The kid is probably out already drinking.
But the feeling of unease stays with him for the rest of the night.
Day 126, Hour 7
When he gets in to medical for his first early shift of the new semester, Blake is still cleaning up. Leonard knows when Blake is before him because the asshole usually packs up early and is already gone, so the first night back must’ve been rough.
“Hard night, Blake?” Leonard asks, because he’s trying, damnit. But he hates small talk, so the question comes out stiff and gruff.
Blake rolls his eyes. “You got that right. Some burly guy came in and his entire face looked like absolute shit. He had a couple broken ribs too, but he didn’t want to say how he got them. The guy was a third year, and I think some freshman beat him up and he was just too embarrassed to say.”
The uneasy feeling returns unexpectedly and Leonard frowns. “If there was a fight, there must’ve been other people who came in, right?”
“Well yeah, sure, but no one who looked as bad as this dude.” Now even Blake is frowning. “And I don’t think they were connected to whatever shit he was involved in, either.”
“Hmm.”
Leonard wonders if this is the same burly guy who came in a while ago for a bad bruise. If it is, he honestly wouldn’t be surprised.
Day 126, Hour 19
When he’s seen no sign of Jim for the rest of the day, he makes another trip to his room when he finally has some free time. This time when he knocks, Jim’s roommate comes to the door.
“What do you want?” he asks, almost rude.
“I’m here to see Jim.”
The roommate frowns. “I think he’s sleeping, but you can come on in and wake him up if it’s important.”
Leonard walks in and sees Jim lying in the bottom bunk, tangled in the sheets. The angle of his left arm seems a little off, and his breathing sounds a little uneven. Even someone with one brain stem should’ve been able to see that Jim hadn’t been sleeping, and Leonard knows this isn’t coming from arrogance.
“He’s not sleeping, he’s unconscious, you dumbass,” Leonard growls. “I’m a doctor, but his breathing alone should’ve given that away.”
The roommate folds his arms across his chest and glares back, looking more defensive than anything. “Hey man, he told me he was fine. I’m hardly ever here, how was I to know he wasn’t telling the truth?”
“Simple common sense could’ve told you that,” Leonard mutters as he bends down by Jim’s bed to gently shake his shoulder. “Jim? Jim, can you hear me?”
Jim just groans.
It’s hard for Leonard to see the extent of his injuries, and he knows Jim well enough by now to know he’s not going to like this, but Leonard doesn’t really care right now. “I’m gonna come back with a stretcher. You can hate me later.”
The fact that Jim barely responds worries Leonard more than anything.
Day 128, Hour 8
What Leonard hadn’t counted on was Christopher Pike making a personal visit.
Jim is awake and already being a pain in the ass when Pike comes in, but straightens and quiets when he sees Pike. Pike hasn’t said anything yet, but even though Jim is silent his tight posture is already defensive. Leonard already knows that Pike doesn’t beat around the bush and he doesn’t disappoint.
“The rumors are already all around campus, and there are about ten different versions of events so I’m not even sure if I’ve heard the truth yet. Can you tell me what happened, Cadet?”
“I was jumped is what happened, sir,” Jim mutters, but the tone is more respectful than Leonard expected.
“And you were just minding your own business.” It’s a statement, not a question. Pike’s clearly not buying it, and Leonard isn’t sure he is, either.
“You know the guys, sir,” Jim replies, defiant, “they were the ones creaming me in the bar that night you found me. They’ve been messing with me this entire term, but I didn’t want to make problems so I didn’t make a big deal out of it. But they were obviously planning this for a while, because they got me on New Years as I was walking back to campus.”
Jim is scowling, and if this is true Leonard knows Jim must’ve hated being caught off guard.
“You know me, sir, I would own up to it if I started it. I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I didn’t. They just wanted some revenge, and thought ganging up on me was a good way to get it.”
Pike is silent for a while, and the man even makes Leonard a little nervous. But Jim doesn’t even lower his gaze.
“I have a lot riding on you being here, Cadet,” Pike finally says slowly, “and I know I’ve made you aware of this. I would like to believe you, but if I find out that you aren’t telling the truth, I swear that you will not like the consequences.”
Jim straightens, and his eyes harden. “I swear that what I’ve said is true.”
After a beat, Pike nods. “Very well, Cadet. I will look into the matter further and will summon you when I’ve reached a conclusion.” Turning to Leonard, he continues, “In the meantime, I trust you will see to it that he makes a full recovery, doctor.”
“Of course, sir,” Leonard says, and Pike gives him a knowing look. It’s so subtle Leonard’s not sure he would’ve picked up on it if he weren’t paying attention, but he knows it relates to their earlier conversation. Jim still doesn’t know he approached Pike earlier however, and Leonard would like to keep it that way.
Jim’s arms are folded over his chest. “I can take care of myself just fine, you know. Sir.”
Leonard snorts. “Sure you can.”
Even Pike’s lips have a hint of a smile. “You’ll hear from me soon, Cadet. Good day to you both.”
But when he strides out of the room, the tension doesn’t quite leave with him.
“So do you believe me?”
The question really isn’t that unexpected. “In all honesty, I’m not sure.”
“Really.” Jim’s voice is flat.
“I think you want to impress Pike and will say what you need to keep your record clean.”
Maybe Jim is telling the truth, and didn’t start that fight. But Leonard also knows that Jim must’ve done something to piss the other cadets off at some point and can’t quite believe that he’s totally innocent in all this. He’s looking over Jim’s chart, but glances at the bed when Jim doesn’t respond.
The kid’s legs are already over the side and he’s about to get up. Leonard frowns. “And where do you think you’re going? Last time I checked, I was the doctor here.”
“And last time I checked, you were also supposed to be a friend.” There’s barely a pause as Jim adds, “Though I guess you’d rather hang around the other asshole doctors.”
Leonard’s getting angry now, and he’s about to reply but Jim isn’t quite done. “What, are you suddenly embarrassed to be seen with me or something? I know there are rumors going around about me now, but damn, I thought you were above that petty shit.”
Okay, now he’s definitely angry. He knows he should’ve brought this up earlier, but the attack is unexpected. “Now wait just a second-”
“Whatever, man.” Jim waves a hand, already on his feet although he’s not quite steady. “I really don’t care what you think.”
Leonard doesn’t need his psychology degree to know that Jim’s lying, but he’s suddenly seeing and hearing Jocelyn before him and the words fly out of his mouth before he even really thinks about them. “And I thought you were above this childish passive shit. Well fine, maybe I don’t care. Walk on out of here if you want to, I won’t stop you.”
“Fuck you, Bones.”
“Don’t call me that!”
But Jim is already gone.
Day 130, Hour 4
The nightmares have returned with a vengeance.
Fuck.
Maybe he just needs to be drunk all the time. It’s obvious the refreshed feeling was an illusion-maybe he was even still hung over. Just when he thinks he’s shaken Jocelyn’s shadow off him, she creeps back up on him.
He’s got to resolve things with Jim.
Day 135, Hour 20
It’s several days before he even sees Jim again.
Leonard’s come to see that this is a pattern with their relationship, and it’s an exhausting one. They’ll be fine for a while, they’ll argue, and then they won’t speak for a few days. He realizes it’s partly because they never actually resolve anything, and he’s starting to wonder if some of the strain is leftover from the Tarsus revelation.
The truth is that Jim’s baggage is starting to weigh him down.
While he knows he needs a friend, that it was unrealistic to think he could’ve made it through alone, he wonders how much more of this he can take, and wonders why the hell he couldn’t have befriended someone who wasn’t such a fucking mess.
Day 138, Hour 6
Much to his surprise, Jim’s the one who finally finds him.
He’s eating an early breakfast when Jim wordlessly takes the seat across from him. Leonard looks up from his oatmeal, waiting for him to make the first move.
“Pike found a witness.”
Leonard does feel a little badly about his doubts, but he’s not sure Jim will accept an apology. So instead he offers, “Well that was lucky.”
“Apparently I’m not the only first year Cupcake and his cronies have been harassing.”
Leonard snorts. “Cupcake?”
“A nickname inspired by the moment,” Jim answers, smirking. “The bastards have early curfew and can’t leave campus for a month. Fuckers’ll think twice before they mess with me.”
A heavy silence settles between them, and Leonard sighs. “I feel like I need to give some sort of explanation for, well, earlier. I’m divorced, you know. And sometimes, when I look at you-you just remind me so much of her. I know it’s not fair, but sometimes identifying the source of the problem simply isn’t enough.”
Jim’s looking at him with a calculating expression in his eyes, a look that says he’s heard something similar before. But Leonard refuses to be guilt tripped and manipulated into backing out now. There’s simply nothing for it.
“I think,” Leonard finishes slowly, “that I need a break. I’m not saying I don’t want to be friends. I just need some time to refocus, that’s all.”
He expects something argumentative, but Jim just sighs, almost deflates. “All right.”
And he gets up and walks away, leaving Leonard wondering if he made the right decision.
Day 142, Hour 12
Things are certainly calmer without Jim in the picture.
Sometimes the routine is even a little boring.
But Leonard’s grades are higher than ever, he’s finally sleeping, and he thinks he might even be on good terms with the other doctors. Superficially, at least.
He acknowledges that this isn’t a permanent solution, but he doesn’t even feel guilty admitting that it’s almost a relief to have a slightly simpler life.
Day 145, Hour 21
Because the universe really, really hates him, Leonard hears there’s going to be a preliminary flight exam coming up in the not so distant future.
He knew it was only a matter of time, but still.
He’s so not ready for this.
Day 150, Hour 10
When he sees Jim in Becker’s class for the first time after their argument, it’s just as awkward as Leonard feared it would be.
Jim’s actually there before him today and he looks stubbornly straight ahead as Leonard takes his seat. He thinks about saying something before deciding against it, and he tries to focus on the lecture but damn, it’s hard.
When the bell rings, Jim’s one of the first out of his chair.
Leonard sighs.
Well, fuck.
Day 153, Hour 2
“Hey McCoy, you see this yet?”
Freed’s coming in for his shift, waving a piece of paper in Leonard’s face.
It’s late, he’s tired, and he’s in no mood for games, damnit. He doesn’t bother to hide rolling his eyes, and he’s definitely not going to apologize for the bite in his voice. “Stop waving that thing around and hand it to me, will you?”
Leonard doesn’t even wait for Freed to offer it before taking it from him. And fuck, it’s a list of times for their preliminary flight exam. He knew it was coming eventually of course, but fuck, he was expecting it closer to the end of the year. But the worst of it is they’re going to have the doctors standing in line while they wait for their turn, so everyone will be able to witness his inevitable failure.
“You ready for it, old man?”
Leonard’s so wrapped up in his horror he completely forgot Freed was even in the room.
Somehow he manages to snap, “Why don’t you just worry about yourself and mind your own business?”
Freed goes to the opposite counter to get his equipment ready, but the grin on his face is cruel. In that moment, Leonard hates him and doesn’t think he’ll be able to interact with him in the same way again.
Leonard knows Freed’s not the only one of the other doctors who are counting on him to fail. They all know he’s the best and failing this test would be a big strike against him. He’s just got to prove them all wrong.
Day 157, Hour 23
Proving them all wrong would be easier if he believed he could do this.
Some days he does, but the doubt always manifests when he even has five minutes to himself. In these next few days he’s simply going to have to keep himself as busy as possible if that’s the only way to distract himself.
Day 160, Hour 6
When Leonard goes in for the early shift, he notices Jim’s name on the list of patients who checked in during the preceding shift.
He can’t help but wonder if the kid was avoiding him, though that would’ve taken some serious advance planning to know when he wasn’t working.
If it were anyone else, he would’ve dismissed the notion.
But he wouldn’t put it passed Jim to spend that much effort in avoiding someone he didn’t want to see. Leonard’s actually a little bothered by that, and if it weren’t for this flight simulation hanging over his head, he might actually try finding him to see if he’s right. Because that would just be damned ridiculous.
But he’s got enough to worry about as it is.
Day 166, Hour 9
He dreams that he’s floating in darkness.
It may have only been two minutes, but to him it feels like an eternity.
Waking up is almost worse, because at first he can’t tell if he’s still dreaming. Finally, though, he blinks the room into focus and as his breath calms he thinks that maybe he’s not cut out for this after all.
Day 169, Hour 15
If anyone could help him through this, Jim could.
Leonard knows he would probably agree to help even if he asked him right now. Part of him thinks that might not be a bad idea.
But during the day, when he has more distance from the worsening nightmares, it’s easier to decide that this is something he needs to do on his own first.
Even if he’s going to fail.
Day 178, Hour 7
It’s the night before and Leonard knows he should be sleeping, but after waking up from the first nightmare hours ago of being in a shuttle that exploded in space, he’s not too excited to go back to sleep.
He doesn’t need images like that staying with him until the morning, and he knows he’s going to have more nightmares if he lets himself close his eyes.
Maybe the haze he’ll already have from a night of no sleep will be enough to dampen the panic.
Day 179, Hour 10
Leonard thinks he can do this.
He really does.
He forces himself to focus only on his breathing as the instructor lets him on the shuttle. He’s first in line, but figured this way he could at least get it over with instead of getting more and more anxious having to watch the other doctors take the test ahead of him. But as soon as he steps on board, he can feel his pulse quicken, and that’s all it takes for the panic to set in.
The instructor’s leading him to the pilot’s seat, but all Leonard can think about is the way his hands are starting to shake, and the man’s talking to him but damnit, he’s not drunk enough for this.
“Doctor McCoy? Are you all right? Doctor McCoy?”
He isn’t.
But the beginnings of a panic attack are on him, and all rational thought processes are quickly shutting down. He doesn’t even think he has one functioning brain stem left at this point. And to top it all off, his hands won’t fucking stop shaking. He doesn’t think he could answer the instructor even if he wanted to right now.
In spite of the haze that’s settled around him, he manages to get out of the chair, push passed the instructor, and make it to the door of the shuttle, stumbling out to the dock. He’s dimly aware of the other doctors lined up outside, but in this moment can’t even bring himself to care about what they must be thinking or saying.
Somehow he’s able to push the bile back that’s been creeping up his throat until he makes it to a bathroom. He didn’t even eat any breakfast but vomits into a toilet anyway, and continues puking though he doesn’t have anything in his stomach.
He presses his face against the cool porcelain of the toilet seat, and he sits there until the shaking subsides. But when it finally does, he doesn’t feel any better. If anything, he feels worse. The story of how he fled the shuttle like some pathetic loser is probably all around campus by now, and he’s going to have to deal with it somehow.
But he was aware of this crippling issue coming in here, so he knew this was going to happen sooner rather than later.
And he’ll take it like a man.
Day 180, Hour 3
When he hears the knock on his door, he thinks wildly that maybe they’ve come to kick him out. He spent the rest of the day enduring jeers and ridicule from just about everyone, not only the other doctors who’d all been witness to his shame, and he’s had about as much as he can take. He’s not about to run-running would only prove Jocelyn right-but he reached almost the end of his rope when he lost count of the number of people who pointed a mocking finger at him today.
Still, he goes to the door anyway, almost in a trace. He’s also close to being extremely drunk, so that’s a more likely explanation for his current numb state. But when he opens the door, there’s no admiral there.
It’s Jim, whom he’s only seen in passing these last few weeks, and he has two bottles of bourbon in his hand. He hands one immediately to Leonard, no trace of laughter anywhere on his face.
All Jim says is, “I thought you might need this.”
Leonard snorts. “I’m already way ahead of you, kid.”
But Leonard takes the offering anyway and steps back into his room, leaving the door open assuming that Jim will follow his lead. When Jim doesn’t, he turns around to find him still standing there in the doorway, looking uncharacteristically uncertain.
“Well, are you coming in or aren’t you?” Leonard blames his bad mood for the bite in his tone.
Jim’s hands are shoved deep into the pockets of his uniform. “Are you-”
“Just come in, damnit,” Leonard huffs. “Unless you’re here to point and laugh.”
“God, Bones, how much of an asshole do you think I am?” Jim grouses, finally following him in and closing the door.
Leonard snorts. “On a scale of one to ten? You’re at least a fifteen. And ten ain’t the lowest.”
“Yeah, I figured that out.”
They sit on the floor against the side of Leonard’s bed, doing nothing but drinking for a long while. Considering this is the first time Leonard’s actually hung out with Jim like this since that last talk, it’s nowhere near as awkward as he expected it to be. If anything, it’s as if they’ve picked up where they left off. He knows the tension won’t go away, that they still have things they need to talk about, but in this moment, Leonard’s having a hard time remembering why he wanted that goddamned break in the first place.
Jim’s ability to pick up on what he needs is slightly uncanny, leaving him feeling like the asshole-though he’d never admit that out loud, of course.
What he does say is a simple yet sincere, “Thanks, kid.”
Jim just grins.
Day 184, Hour 16
That’s all it takes for things to go back to the way they were.
Jim convinces Leonard to go to the bar when he’s done with his shift, though he doesn’t have to try too hard because it was a long day and he needs to unwind. They’re sitting in companionable silence and Leonard doesn’t really know why, but he feels like he owes the kid a more personal story, something to help Jim understand why he is the way he is.
“When I left Georgia, I didn’t know I was going to Starfleet,” Leonard confesses suddenly, not even sure that was what he was going to say until it comes out of his mouth. Jim glances over at him, a curious expression on his face. “But as I was out the door, it was a sarcastic reply when Jocelyn asked me, ‘What the hell are you going to do now?’”
The scene comes back to him in a rush then, as clear as if it happened yesterday.
(“Just what the hell are you going to do anyway?”
Jocelyn’s standing a few feet away from him, arms folded stiffly across her chest, scowling. Leonard’s at the door, with one duffle bag over his shoulder that has some clothes and medical equipment and supplies.
He shrugs. “Go on a road trip, see where it takes me. Who knows, maybe I’ll even enlist in Starfleet. I’m sure they could always use another doctor.”
She barks a laugh. “But you hate flying.”
He doesn’t really know what possessed him to say that anyway, and what she said is true, but the scorn in her tone pisses him off all over again. “What the fuck do you care? I’m leaving, I don’t owe you any other explanation.”
“You think leaving is actually going to make a difference?” she says cruelly. But she doesn’t stop there. “You’re going to fail, Len. Because that’s what you do best, isn’t it?”
He doesn’t need to justify himself to her anymore.
So he just leaves.)
“Bones?”
He blinks. “What?”
“You with me?”
Leonard sighs, shakes his head. “I thought leaving would get her out of my life. But sometimes I still feel like she followed me here.”
“Only because you let her.”
Leonard stares at him. “I’m sorry?”
Jim shrugs. “You let her control you. It’s all in your head, man.”
Something about the kid’s tone of voice, the way he makes it sound just that simple, makes Leonard angry. “It’s not that easy.”
“Well if you think like that, you’ll never be rid of her.”
“What would you know about it?” he finally snaps.
Jim’s expression darkens. “More than you could imagine.”
“Why don’t you help me, then.” Leonard realizes then that while he knows about two of the most traumatic events in Jim’s life, he still doesn’t really know anything about Jim. He certainly knows nothing about his personal life.
Jim turns back to his drink, taking a deep swallow. “Maybe some other time.”
That doesn’t tell Leonard what he wants to know, but in that moment it’s enough.
Year One: Part I | Year One: Part III
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