star trek: measure of a man (Year One: Part I)
Day 1, Hour 7
They aren’t even in the air yet, but Leonard’s stomach is already anticipating takeoff. Even the bourbon is a poor distraction so he gives the kid next to him a longer look, and frowns.
“What happened to your face, kid?”
“Oh, this?” Jim says flippantly, a cocky grin already making its way across his lips. “This is nothing compared to the other guys. At least I can smile.”
Leonard snorts. “Right.”
But that’s all the information he needs to know he wants nothing to do with this kid once they get off the shuttle, because the last thing he wants right now is a friend with emotional baggage.
He has enough of his own.
Day 8, Hour 10
“Kirk, James T.”
Leonard has already forgotten the Admiral’s name during the attendance and can feel his eyes getting more glazed over as the roll drags on, yet he perks up this time because he recognizes this one. He hasn’t seen the kid since the shuttle, but he remembers what he looks like enough to know that he’s not here.
But he doesn’t miss the way the Admiral is frowning down at the PADD, or the way whispers have started to ripple throughout the classroom. Finally, the Admiral snaps, “Silence!” and it has the desired affect. Leonard’s curiosity dies instantly as the Admiral continues taking roll until the door bangs open. Turning around in his seat, Leonard sees the kid from the shuttle standing there, an obnoxious grin on his face.
“Sorry I’m late, sir,” he says, but it doesn’t sound sincere at all, “what’d I miss?”
The Admiral is clearly the No Nonsense type. His glare could melt ice. “Your name. You are James Kirk, I presume?”
The kid continues grinning. “Yep, the one and only.”
A few cadets dare to chuckle, and the Admiral barks, “Take your seat, Cadet Kirk. Consider this a warning.”
Kirk swaggers over to an empty desk a few seats away from Leonard, and even though he’s cooperative during the rest of the class, Leonard can already tell he has a problem with authority. He treated plenty of kids with attitudes like Kirk’s in his old clinic, and doubts he’ll be able to last.
Then again, Leonard’s got an almost crippling aviaphobia. Who is he kidding? The kid probably has more chances of making it than he does.
Day 9, Hour 3
Nobody wants to support the late shifts in Starfleet Medical, but Leonard’s used to them so he doesn’t mind and signs up for a few. This is his first, which has passed mercilessly without incident. It is almost up when he overhears an argument from the next room.
“Doctor McCoy’s packing up for the night, it would really make more sense for me to treat you.”
“But if he’s still here, I’d really rather he do it-”
Leonard rolls his eyes. Good grief. Of course he wasn’t going to be able to leave easily. Rubbing a weary hand over his face, he decides to give Doctor Freed a break and steps into the next room.
“Okay, I heard someone asking for me. What’s going on?”
Freed doesn’t even hide his sigh of relief, though McCoy thinks he looks a little resentful as well as he says, “Cadet Kirk here is insistent that you treat him. Though I don’t know what difference it’ll make-”
“It’s okay, Freed. I have time to deal with him before I head out.”
Freed mutters thanks as he heads off, and Leonard turns to get a good look at the cadet.
The kid is a mess, there are cuts all over his face and his posture suggests bruised ribs. Leonard remembers he didn’t look all that different when he first met him.
Lifting an eyebrow, he asks, “This a common state of being for you, kid?”
Leonard expects that insufferable grin he’s already started to associate with Kirk, but the kid is subdued for once, a distant look in his eyes.
“I had no choice, man. These guys were totally trying to take advantage of this girl, a civilian. She didn’t stand a chance…”
“I’m not judging, kid, I’m just your doctor.” Truthfully, Leonard really doesn’t want to know. He’s seen more of Jim than he’s counted on as it is, and they’re barely into the second week. “Why’d you want me so badly, anyway?”
Jim shrugs, almost sheepishly. “Well, since I already sorta know you, I was wondering if I could convince you not to put this in my file.”
Aha.
“And why could you possibly want me to do that?”
“Long story short-I’m trying to get out of here in three years, and my record has to be as clean as possible. And this wasn’t even my fault.”
Leonard lifts an eyebrow. “Does this include your attendance in class, too?”
Jim sighs. “Yeah, so I didn’t make the best first impression. I think there’s another reason that guy doesn’t like me, though.”
Resisting the urge to look down at his watch-because Leonard really doesn’t care anymore and will do anything that will get him in his bed the fastest-he says, unable to keep the irritation completely out of his voice, “Fine. You were never here.”
“Really?” There’s obvious relief in his voice. “Gee, thanks doc-look, I’ll make it up to you.”
“You really don’t have to do that.”
Shaking his head, Jim says insistently, “No, I want to.”
“I don’t care, all right?” And Leonard really doesn’t. “Just sit still so I can finish this. That’ll be enough.”
“Sure, doc.”
Judging from the way the kid is grinning though, Leonard suspects that this isn’t over.
Day 15, Hour 10
Leonard doesn’t see Jim again until class a few days later.
This Academy is killing him, slowly sucking whatever life remained in him after the divorce. Being a student again after so many years out of school is hard, but as miserable as he’s been, he knows he can’t fail. He needs to do this, to prove to himself that even though his personal life has fallen spectacularly to pieces he’s not too old to start over, to save his career. Jocelyn’s sneering face comes to him then, unbidden.
“You’re going to fail, Len. Because that’s what you do best, isn’t it?”
There’s no way he’s letting her win, not this time.
The Admiral’s voice buzzes faintly in the background, but it slowly returns to the foreground as Leonard realizes he isn’t lecturing anymore but shouting at someone. Leonard follows his gaze to the doorway and he’s not surprised to see Jim standing there, late again.
He’s missed the first part of the reprimand, but it doesn’t take much imagination to reconstruct it.
“Now you listen to me, boy,” Admiral Whatever is barking, “don’t think for one second that I’m going to let you skate by in my class with minimum effort and work because of your daddy. Some other professor might give a damn, but if you continue giving me this attitude I will make it my personal mission to see you thrown out of this Academy. Do I make myself clear?”
Leonard can’t see the kid’s expression, but his posture is rigidly defiant.
The Admiral’s glower darkens at the kid’s silence. “Am. I. Clear?”
Finally Jim nods, but it’s stiff and reluctant, not respectful. “Crystal. Sir.”
“Good,” the Admiral snaps, “now sit down.”
After class, Jim is hanging around outside and Leonard just shakes his head. This kid simply won’t leave him alone. But he doesn’t have the energy to be completely rude, so he says gruffly, “You better be five minutes early from now on.”
“I’m telling you, that guy’s had it in for me since the beginning,” Jim grumbles, falling into step beside Leonard, “but I didn’t even mean to be late, I had a meeting and lost track of time…”
Leonard thinks he’s actually telling the truth, and while he’s mildly curious, it’s not enough to ask questions. Just as he’s trying to think of something to say, Jim says suddenly, “Why don’t you come get a drink with me tonight.”
It’s not really a question, but there’s a hint of uncertainty in it, a tiny crack in his cockiness. Leonard ponders it for a second before dismissing it.
“Look kid, I’ve gotta study. It’s a five letter word that means giving a crap-”
“Hey, I have a photographic memory, I can’t help that. I could help you though, quiz you-”
Leonard grits his teeth. The last thing he needs is help from some reckless, spoiled, arrogant prodigy. He’s doing this by himself. “I’ll manage just fine on my own.”
Quickening his pace without looking back, he thinks that the kid is at least smart enough not to follow him.
Day 16, Hour 4
Leonard rubs at his eyes, blinking blearily down at the notes in front of him.
He lost count a while ago of the number of times he’s gone over the information, though it’s not as if any of that has actually mattered because he still can’t remember any of it. These equations are simply too complicated, and he’s mixing up little signs all over the place.
At least the library is open all night.
Movement in his peripheral vision catches his eye, and when he looks up he’s barely able to stifle the groan when he sees Jim standing over his desk.
“How in God’s name did you find me?”
Jim just shrugs, and sits down before Leonard can stop him. “It really wasn’t that hard. I figured you’d be here. How’s the studying going?”
“Fuck off.”
“I guessed you’d say that. I also guessed you could use the help.” Jim smiles. “Come on man, don’t you want to sleep tonight?”
Leonard grits his teeth. “I told you-”
Jim waves a hand flippantly. “Yeah, I know what you said.” Leaning over the table suddenly, the kid makes a grab for his notes, scanning them quickly. “Oh, I remember this shit. I can quiz you, if you want.”
The sudden uncertainty in the kid’s voice makes Leonard pause, and he remembers the comment from the Admiral about Jim’s father. Leonard has no idea who the guy is-he’s been out of school and involved in private practice so long he’s forgotten all this history he should know-but he can understand what it’s like to live in the shadow of a parent.
He blames the unexpected surge of sympathy for what he says next.
“Sure. Fine.”
Jim grins.
God, he hopes he doesn’t end up regretting this.
Day 20, Hour 11
Leonard aces the test, even on three hours of sleep.
It almost pisses him off.
Day 22, Hour 8
Leonard doesn’t see Jim again until class (not that he cares) but he almost expected Jim to come find him and pester him about his exam results. He doesn’t have any friends-there’s far too much competition among the other doctors and he really has no tolerance for all that anymore-and sometimes the times Jim talks to him are his only social moments of the day. He’s still not sure he wants him as a friend, but even he feels lonely sometimes. And there’s nothing sad or pathetic about that. Not at all.
“Hey, McCoy-”
Leonard twists in his seat to see Jim leaning across the aisle, a slight smile on his face, but he doesn’t get a chance to get out the question because the Admiral is already addressing the class. He thinks Jim might continue anyway, but he just shakes his head and leans back in his seat.
Returning his attention to the Admiral, Leonard is just in time to hear him say, “You will work with a partner I’ve already assigned to you and will have two months to construct a thorough presentation that should address all perspectives of your topic.”
Leonard almost groans aloud. He’s old enough to be a father to most of these kids. There’s no way this isn’t going to be awkward, and he’s always more successful when he’s working to the beat of his own drum anyhow. He’s so caught up in his own irritation that he almost misses his assignment.
“McCoy, Kirk. Your topic is Tarsus IV.”
Oh, no. No, this is not fucking happening.
But, surprisingly, Jim is the one who protests.
“Come on, sir, surely we could have some other topic-”
“This is not up for negotiation, Kirk.”
“But, sir-”
“What part of not up for negotiation did you not understand, Cadet? Peters, Kyle, your topic is The Battle of Andoria…”
The rest of the class goes by, but Leonard isn’t really aware of it. He turned back to look at Jim once after his unexpected outburst, but he’s looking down intensely at his desk, an unreadable expression on his face; though there’s a hint of something dark in his eyes. Leonard returns his gaze to the front of the room, but he can’t quite get rid of the frown.
He expects Jim to wait for him after class so they can talk about where to meet to start discussing their project, but this time his seat is empty when Leonard finishes packing his bag, and there’s no sign of him out in the hallway.
His frown deepens.
What the hell is going on?
Day 23, Hour 2
Leonard is studying late in the library again when Jim finally finds him. He knows it’s only been a day, but he wants to start dividing up the work as early as possible so he can get this out of the way. He has more important things to do than this stupid project.
“Well, aren’t you predictable,” Jim says as he swaggers up to his table. “Why don’t you come have a drink with me.”
Leonard stares at him. “Jim, it’s a Tuesday.” This kid never gives up. “And besides, I seem to remember already having this conversation with you, and my answer hasn’t changed.”
“Aw, come on, Bones, live a little. Unless you’re so old you’ve forgotten how.”
Narrowing his eyes, Leonard asks, “What’d you just call me?”
Jim’s face brightens a little. “Bones! You know, like an old Sawbones. That’s also how you introduced yourself to me when we met, something about how you just had your bones left-”
“Don’t call me that.” Leonard narrows his eyes, looking at Jim more closely. “You’re not drunk already, are you?”
Jim cocks his head to the side, pretending to think about it. “Yeah, maybe…but just a little.”
“Look, unless you actually want to start discussing this project, go find somebody else to annoy.”
But Jim doesn’t go away. He falls into the chair right across from him.
“You’re not one of those overachiever types, are you? Because if you are, we might have a problem…or rather, you might…”
Leonard’s glad his hands are under the table so Jim can’t see the way they’re balled into tight fists of extreme irritation. He’s not angry yet, but five more seconds of this and he probably will be.
“Listen, Jim. I don’t want to do this anymore than you do. But if you’re not pulling your weight, I’m perfectly okay with telling Admiral Whatever His Name Is.”
Jim sits up a little straighter in his chair.
Good, Leonard thinks, at least I’ve got his attention.
“I don’t want things to be that way. But if I’m not going to be able to trust that you’ll do your work, then they will be.”
The hint of something a little darker edges into the corner of Jim’s eyes, but it’s only there for a second, gone so fast Leonard wonders if he imagined it.
“Fine, old man,” Jim drawls, standing, “I’ll do things your way. But you’ll have to wait until tomorrow.”
And then he gets up and leaves, gone before Leonard can say anything.
Day 24, Hour 10
But Jim doesn’t show any more proclivity for work the next night, either.
“What other perspectives does Admiral Becker mean, anyway? With Tarsus IV there are none.”
Leonard pinches the bridge of his nose. It’s been a tiring day-he worked a long shift at the clinic just before-and it would be nice if Jim could just be agreeable for once because he already has the beginnings of a headache.
“Well, there are at least two sides to every conflict. I think we should just consider-”
“If you’d like to consider it, you can. But I think I’ll pass on the considering, thanks.”
“Jim-”
“Look, this has nothing to do with my work ethic, okay? Kodos was an asshole on a power trip who butchered innocents because he could. What other perspective is there? I intend that as a serious question.”
Jim had gotten up in the middle to pace, and he’s now walking back and forth, movements tight with anger. Leonard wonders what he’s getting so worked up about. Yeah, it was awful, and yeah, thousands of people had been murdered, but-
“Those people would have died anyway, Jim. There was a fungus-”
“Right, a fungus. What a convenient explanation.”
The sarcasm isn’t lost on Leonard, and he snorts. “So you’re suggesting the media made that up so they’d have some kind of explanation? Don’t be ridiculous-”
“Oh, so now I’m the one being ridiculous?”
Jim spins around so fiercely that Leonard is taken aback. “Well, don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little?”
That comment seems to snap Jim out of whatever weird place he was in. He stars at Leonard for a few moments, takes a couple breaths, and then finally sighs, all the fight going out of him.
“Yeah,” he mutters, dully. “Yeah.”
Leonard eyes Jim warily, trying to judge if there’s going to be another unexpected outburst tonight. He really doesn’t have the energy to deal with episodes like this every time they meet up. And the kid’s sudden, passionate outbursts and reckless abandon remind him too much of Jocelyn.
Day 26, Hour 5
When Leonard wakes up gasping for breath, he can’t recall the nightmare.
It’s right beyond the edges of his awareness, he can sense it, but when he tries to reach for it he can only conjure scattered images that no longer make sense.
But the overwhelming feelings of desperation and despair stay with him, leaving him unsettled for the entire day.
Day 30, Hour 12
The Admiral made another jab at Jim’s father in class, and Leonard can’t deny his curiosity any longer. When he finally gets the chance to open his computer, he types James Tiberius Kirk into the search engine.
There are dozens of articles, and his eyes get larger and larger as he reads.
The Kelvin baby.
Well, shit. Apparently he really does need this refresher history course, because he’d forgotten there even was one. At least the Admiral wasn’t cruel enough to assign them that topic.
He decides he’ll try to pretend as if he still doesn’t know. There’s already enough tension between them. The last thing they need is more.
Day 33, Hour 14
He doesn’t want to look at Jim any differently when they meet a few days later in the library, but the moment is there before he even realizes it’s happening. It’s just a few seconds-ten at the most-but it’s enough.
Jim looks resigned. “So you know.”
Leonard can’t even deny it, but he doesn’t know quite what to say so he nods.
Sighing, Jim says, “It was really only a matter of time. I could tell, when I met you, that you didn’t recognize who I was. I think that was why…”
He’s not quite able to finish the sentence but Leonard can figure it out.
“I won’t treat you any differently, kid.” Leonard means it, too.
Jim laughs, though there’s a hint of bitterness in it. “Yeah, you will. Everyone does.”
Though Leonard’s not quite ready to disclose something so personal to someone he hardly knows, he really does understand what it’s like. The circumstances of his father’s death might have been completely different, but afterwards, when he took over the business, people either resented the fact that Leonard apparently rose to the top because of the man or expected him to be just like him, faults included. People hardly ever bothered to get to know him, because they assumed they already knew everything about him.
He’s just like his father, spoken either as a compliment or a curse.
His anonymity is the one good thing about being in the Academy. He can start over, be known for himself and his accomplishments and not have to compete against the shadow of a dead man.
Leonard glances over at Jim, who has fallen silent beside him, and maybe he wasn’t being honest because he can already feel that something’s changed in the way he looks at him. But it’s a look of understanding, compassion even.
Maybe there’s more to this kid than he’d thought.
Day 35, Hour 14
“All I’m saying-”
“I know what you’re saying, Bones.”
“Don’t call me-”
“Look, if you want to run with this angle, by all means knock yourself out. But I’ll take the Kodos-was-a-brutal-dictator one, all right? I don’t even need to do any research to talk about that.”
If there were a wall right in front of him, Leonard would be sorely tempted to bash his head against it. He’s lost count of the number of times they’ve had this argument, and part of him wonders if Jim is using it as an excuse to stall getting any work done.
“Well, don’t you think it would be the most effective for us to try to at least understand the other side? I think that was part of the point of the assignment.”
Jim is already shaking his head. “That would only be a waste of time. We can give a decent presentation just by dividing it this way, and Admiral Becker won’t have to know. Do you honestly want to spend the two minutes of free time you have each day researching this stupid project?”
Leonard really doesn’t want to, but something doesn’t feel quite right about this, though he can’t put his finger on it. Sometimes he wishes he’d never minored in psychology.
“All right, fine. I don’t even know why I care.”
Jim claps him on the shoulder. “That’s the spirit, man. Was that admission really so hard?”
Right now it’s not an admission but a means to an end, though he has no intentions of revealing this to Jim. He feigns disinterest and mutters, “Whatever, Jim. Let’s meet in a few days and start comparing notes.”
“Are you always this boring?”
Normally he would fire back with something sarcastic, but since that first nightmare a few days ago he hasn’t been sleeping well and doesn’t have the energy.
“It comes with age,” is all he says.
“Your years don’t make you old,” Jim answers in a suddenly subdued tone, “only your experiences.”
Leonard hadn’t anticipated something this profound to come from the kid, and he’s caught so off guard by the comment he doesn’t know how to respond to it. So he says nothing.
Day 38, Hour 12
Leonard hates eating in the cafeteria, hates the stress of pretending to like the other doctors. He gets along with them fine when they work in medical, but they’re mostly young, hotshot types in constant competition with each other, and Leonard gets bored of that kind of conversation. He’s the oldest among them by far, and he doubts any of them have seen what he has.
Then he spots Jim, sitting at a table by himself. Well, that’s surprising. He assumed the kid would be popular. Leonard has to laugh at himself for his hypocrisy, and dismisses the thought.
There are other extra seats at tables scattered throughout the cafeteria, but Leonard doesn’t know anyone sitting at them and there’s no way his randomly sitting down isn’t going to be awkward.
Shaking his head with a sigh, he walks as casually as possible up to Jim’s table, and asks, “This seat taken?”
Jim’s head snaps up, and he almost chokes on the piece of chicken he was wolfing down. “Christ, man, never sneak up on a guy while he’s eating!”
Leonard lifts an eyebrow. “I would hardly call walking right up to someone sneaking.”
“So I get really focused on my food when I’m starving,” Jim shrugs. And then he motions to the empty seat. “I was just leaving, but I’ll stay with you if you want to sit.”
Leonard eyes Jim’s plate. There’s still a considerable amount of food on it, but considering the way Jim’s eating it Leonard can believe it. But he sits anyway, because it’s not as if he has a lot of options.
“I never see you here,” Jim says around a mouthful of chicken.
“Well, we do have completely different schedules.”
Jim pauses eating long enough to give him an appraising look.
“Unless you skip a lot of meals.”
“I forget to eat when I get caught up in my work.”
Jim frowns. “You know-”
“I don’t need you playing doctor on me, kid. I’m the fucking doctor.”
But the part of Leonard that isn’t annoyed by the judgment is actually a little touched that Jim cares enough to comment. It’s been a while since anyone has.
Day 40, Hour 2
This time the nightmare is about Jocelyn.
He can’t go back to sleep.
Day 42, Hour 20
“Hey Bones, you don’t look so good. Maybe we should do this tomorrow.”
“What have I told you about that nickname?”
“That you don’t like it, I know. But seriously-”
“Look, time is starting to disappear. I can sleep later.”
“Or not sleep.” Jim cocks his head to the side. “If you want to talk about it-”
“Your evasion tactics might work on someone else, but you’re not fooling me, kid. What I want is to finish this project, ahead of schedule.”
Leonard’s sure the nightmares will go away, and talking about them with Jim is the last thing he wants to do.
Jim shrugs. “Fine, have it your way. The offer stands, though.”
Day 45, Hour 8
The nightmares don’t go away.
If anything, they’ve been getting worse, probably because it’s gotten to the point where Leonard worries about them before he goes to sleep.
He’s lucky if he gets more than an hour of good rest a night.
But he won’t worry until they start affecting his performance.
Day 46, Hour 10
As if on cue, he actually dozes off in class.
And there’s a slight tremor in his hands as he passes the medical instruments during his shift a few hours later.
Will he never be free of her?
Day 50, Hour 22
“Hey man, where were you last night?”
Leonard frowns. “Last night?”
“Yeah, we were supposed to meet.” Jim pauses for a second, and then chuckles. “There’s definitely something wrong with this picture. Me, coming to find you about work? What’s going on, old man?”
Oh, fuck.
“I guess I forgot.” Leonard glares. “And I think I preferred Bones.”
“I’m the one who’s supposed to forget, even if it’s intentional. As you very well know, I’m a master at evasion, so I can sense when others try to use it on me.” Jim claps him on the shoulder as he sits down next to him. “And you, my friend, need a little practice.”
But it’s true, he had forgotten.
That’s what worries him.
“I was just catching up on some sleep, all right? Can we work now?”
“No.”
Jim pushes the notes away from them as Leonard stares at him in disbelief. “Excuse me?”
Jim doesn’t even blink. “I said no. Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
Leonard can’t believe this. “I’m sorry?”
“You’re the one with the psychology minor, right? Don’t they tell you that if you don’t have someone to talk to about things like this that they won’t leave you alone?”
The audacity and arrogance of this kid is astounding, and reminds him too much of Jocelyn, who, when their marriage was going sour, would always try to force things out of him after coming back from a rough day of work. But he also knew she didn’t really care. He knew it was because he would always just go right to sleep instead of make love to her, and he figured she felt that if he talked about things he would give her the attention afterwards.
This isn’t quite the same, but the tone of the kid’s voice rubs him the wrong way. Though if confessing some of it is the only way he’s going to shut him up so they can get back to work, so be it.
“I haven’t been sleeping well,” Leonard mutters, “Just having some nightmares, all right? They’ll stop, though. They always do.”
Jim shakes his head. “I expected better from a psychologist.”
“Who are you to lecture me, kid?” Leonard growls finally, “My nightmares are my own. They’re private.”
“Okay, fine,” Jim says, “here I am, not caring. I was just trying to be a friend.”
“Well, try on someone else,” Leonard snaps, and he knows the harshness is a result of not sleeping and that he’ll regret it the next day, but he can’t bring himself to apologize for it.
They go back to their work, but the atmosphere is tense and unpleasant for the rest of the night.
Day 52, Hour 24
“I think you should at least consider that the fungus was a cover.”
“And you should consider that Kodos really might’ve had no other alternative. Would you have wanted to starve to death?”
Jim’s jaw actually drops a little. “I can’t believe you’re actually trying to justify what he did.”
Leonard’s lost count of the number of times they’ve had this argument, but it’s never gone on this long before. They’ve managed to either avoid their opinions and stick to the facts, or take an indirect approach. But with the looming deadline, Leonard thought it was time. Except for that first outburst, Jim remained relatively detached and aloof, but now his tone is iced with accusation. It surprises him-Leonard really hadn’t expected him to care this much about this assignment.
“I’m not saying it wasn’t awful,” Leonard defends, starting to get heated himself, “but the doctor in me thinks that at least a bullet is a quick and painful death if you know where to aim, and I’m sure Kodos’s men did. You probably can’t even begin to understand what starvation is like-”
“You don’t know anything about me!”
Jim is in his face by the end of his exclamation, breathing heavily, fists clenched at his sides, body almost shaking with the exertion of controlling his anger.
“You’re right, I don’t,” Leonard says, as calmly as he can, “and I shouldn’t have said that. But everyone’s entitled to their opinion, and mine stands.”
Jim deflates slightly, sitting back down heavily. “If you’d been there you wouldn’t be saying that.”
He frowns. “Perhaps. Or maybe I would’ve been grateful.”
Jim doesn’t say anything for a while, and then he gets to his feet. “Sorry, man, I think I’m just tired. Can we pick this up tomorrow?”
Leonard nods slowly, still trying to process what just happened as Jim leaves without a word. There was no way he could’ve predicted that statement would’ve garnered such a reaction from Jim, and now he’s more convinced than ever that there’s something else behind it. He’s going to get to the bottom of this.
Day 55, Hour 13
Leonard intensifies his research efforts, but can’t find any evidence to support Jim’s claims. He remembers Jim mentioning at one point that Pike is his academic advisor, and he seems like a man who would know the truth about these matters. So Leonard schedules an appointment with him.
“This is a little irregular, Doctor McCoy,” Pike says as he admits Leonard into his office, “please, sit down.”
Leonard does, realizing that he didn’t actually plan on how he was going to start this discussion. It’s clear that Pike is waiting for him to begin, and it’s equally clear Pike is a direct-approach kind of guy, and since Leonard is too he just gets right to the point.
“It’s about Jim Kirk.” Pike simply lifts an eyebrow, so Leonard continues, “We’re working together on a project for Admiral Becker’s general history class, and if his dislike of Jim weren’t so obvious I would’ve gone to him first. Our topic is Tarsus IV, and Jim has some misconceptions about the event that are starting to interfere with our work.”
Pike doesn’t say anything for a moment, and his expression is even more inscrutable than before. “Your topic is Tarsus IV.” It’s not a question, so Leonard doesn’t say anything. “What are these-misconceptions, cadet?”
“He’s convinced the fungus is a cover, that General Kodos had some other reasons for the massacre that the Federation wanted to hide, since that kind of investigation may have been embarrassing for them. But I’ve scoured sources for evidence that might support his theories, and I’ve come up with nothing.”
Leonard wonders briefly if Jim will think he’s betraying him somehow by approaching Pike like this behind his back, but he really saw no other option. Their presentation date is coming up in just three weeks, and this disagreement is starting to add tension even when they see each other outside of work.
“I see,” Pike says, “so you’ve come to me because you think Cadet Kirk would believe the truth if you backed it with my word, just because I’m his advisor?”
“That was the idea, sir.”
“Well, McCoy, from what I do know of Cadet Kirk, and I’m sure you also know this, I doubt anything I have to say will change his mind if it’s made up.” Pike pauses, but Leonard senses he knows exactly why Jim’s mind is made up.
“But you’re right-Cadet Kirk’s misconceptions are just that,” Pike continues, though Leonard thinks there’s a hint of sadness in his voice, “We knew Kodos would be a man who would be able to make tough decisions in impossible situations, and the colony on Tarsus IV was unstable in the beginning as it was, and needed a leader like him.”
Pike is silent, so Leonard supplies, “And then the fungus happened.”
“Yes.”
The man doesn’t offer any more than that, and Leonard sits back, trying to puzzle this out. Things still aren’t coming together, there’s something obvious he’s missing, that he’s not seeing. “So why would Jim-?”
Pike just looks at him, his face betraying nothing of his inner thoughts. “I’ve heard enough about you to know you’re a smart man, Doctor McCoy. I can’t say any more about the matter than I’ve already disclosed to you, but I know you’ve already figured it out. You probably even knew before coming to me.”
Leonard knows Pike is right.
What’s more, he’d known for a while too, even before Jim lost it the other night. He’d known, and just hadn’t wanted to see.
But now he does, and everything makes sense in a horrifying way.
Day 57, Hour 4
It’s like Jim has some kind of sixth sense.
Leonard hasn’t exchanged more than a few words with him since his conversation with Pike, and he tried to keep him talking after class yesterday but Jim made some lame excuse and beat a hasty retreat (“Sorry man, I’m late for a meeting.”)
Meeting my ass, Leonard thinks.
For someone who tried so hard to get Leonard to talk about his problems, the kid sure seems to have a hard time talking about his own.
Day 58, Hour 24
“Jim. Jim, are you there? Jim, if you’re in your room, pick up Goddamnit.
“I’m not stupid, I know you’re avoiding me. So stop being ridiculous, and let’s talk.”
Day 60, Hour 12
“I don’t have time to track you down, Jim. If you don’t find me by the end of the week, I will take this to the Admiral.
“I mean it.”
Day 67, Hour 23
“So what do you know?”
Leonard is in the library when Jim finally finds him, looking more serious than he has ever seen him. Honestly, he’s not sure what to say. Part of him feels like he’s not close enough to Jim to know such a horrible secret, and though he found out by circumstance and the nature of the project he can’t help feeling like he’s violated Jim somehow.
Then Jim sits down with a sigh, and in that moment he looks and sounds older than Leonard. “Never mind, your silence just answered the question.”
“Jim, I’m-”
“If you’re going to say sorry, save it. I don’t want to hear it.”
Leonard wonders if anyone was really there for Jim in the aftermath. He doesn’t need the psychology minor to tell him that he’s still recovering, and though Leonard can’t even begin to imagine what Jim’s been through, it’s clear he probably never talked about it. Now he really understands why Jim wanted him to talk about his nightmares, and that moment tells him more than maybe Jim wanted him to know.
“I wasn’t,” Leonard says, and Jim looks up at him sharply. “I was going to say I’m here to listen. When you’re ready.”
Jim lifts an eyebrow, and snorts. “As my psychologist, or my doctor?”
“As your friend.”
Leonard’s not sure he would’ve called them friends before-he’s been actively trying to resist any such relationship in fact-but even if Jim won’t admit it, he needs a friend.
And hell, Leonard needs one too.
Jim still doesn’t look as though he believes him, but slowly, the arrogance breaks away as they sit in silence. Even if it will be back tomorrow, Leonard sees it for what it is. They don’t talk, and Leonard doesn’t push, but he thinks that right now, this might be enough for Jim, to just sit with someone who knows without pushing them away.
Trust will take time, for both of them.
But this is a start.
Day 70, Hour 13
What Leonard can’t do is change his opinion, but he can at least be more sensitive about how he says things. He’s treated patients for starvation before, and he really thinks that, if he had been there, he would have preferred the bullet to a slow, drawn out death. Jim had survived, true, but he was a very slim minority. Even though Leonard hadn’t seen Jim in the aftermath, he’s able to picture what he must’ve looked like very clearly.
It is a horrifying image.
“I was staying with my aunt and uncle,” Jim says, voice barely above a whisper. They are designing the slides for their presentation, and the comment is unexpected.
Leonard glances over at him. Jim is looking at the computer, but the expression in his eyes is distant with memory. But he’s learning that the best way to get Jim to talk without getting a defensive reaction is to stay silent.
“I was twelve.”
“Good God, man,” Leonard breathes. He knows that Jim had been young, but hearing it makes it all the more real.
Jim’s hands are curled tightly around the armrests of his chair. “Yeah.”
Leonard wishes, and not for the first time, that he didn’t have the knowledge of a doctor. It fills in the blanks entirely too thoroughly.
Day 74, Hour 9
It’s another slow shift at the clinic for Leonard, and by the second half he’s only seen two patients when the third walks in, a burly Cadet with slightly bulging muscles. His left cheek is swelling with a dark bruise, but Leonard can’t see anything else wrong with him. It’s always funny when tough looking guys come to medical for scratches and bruises.
“What’s your name, Cadet?” And then Leonard shakes his head. “Never mind, I don’t wanna know. What’s wrong with you, anyway?”
The guy is scowling fiercely. “Are you blind, doc?”
“Yeah, I see your face. Just keep an eye on it and keep it clean, make sure it doesn’t get infected.”
The Cadet’s scowl deepens. “Keep it clean? That’s it?”
“It’s not going to kill you,” Leonard says, trying to keep the amusement off his face. “Think of it as character building.”
Leonard doesn’t give in to the chuckle until the Cadet is out of sight.
Day 75, Hour 13
Leonard glimpses Jim in the hallway and notices his jaw is slightly discolored.
But he has no reason to connect the two incidents.
Day 79, Hour 23
They’re in the library again, putting final touches on their presentation. After another night of debating they finally came to a compromise about how they were going to organize and present the information.
“I just couldn’t handle the fact that Kodos might’ve had a reason to murder all those people,” Jim whispered earlier that night, “I didn’t want to justify what he did. And then it became more than a conspiracy theory to me-it became the truth.”
There was a long pause, but Leonard sensed Jim had more to say and didn’t interrupt.
“I’m not sure I would’ve been able to ever acknowledge that had you not…” his voice trailed off then as he shifted awkwardly, looking uncomfortable.
Leonard nodded, managing a stiff half smile. “You’re welcome.”
Even with the newfound respect, Leonard still sees a bit of Jocelyn when he looks at Jim, and he can’t quite get passed that. But that’s his problem, and he doesn’t want those feelings to affect the way he treats him. Yet he can’t quite make the residual tension go away, and it’s not all related to Tarsus IV and Jim’s father.
Jim has been unusually quiet throughout the night, and Leonard can’t help but ask, “Are you sure you’ll be okay for this?”
The question comes out gruffer than Leonard intended, though he knows it’s just a symptom of the awkwardness he’s feeling.
“God Bones, I’m not fragile damnit,” Jim snaps, a determined light in his eyes. “I’ll be fine.”
Leonard believes him.
Almost.
Day 82, Hour 10
Because the universe is out to get him, Leonard and Jim get to present on the first day. And of course Jim is just late enough that another group has to start. Admiral Becker makes a special point to flash a glare when Jim creeps in five minutes after the bell, but the ongoing presentation prevents further comment.
The presentations are only fifteen minutes, but Leonard is dreading every second of it. But finally it’s their turn, and Leonard spares a subtle glance at Jim as they take their positions at the front of the room. His back is ramrod straight, his expression wooden, almost emotionless.
“The Tarsus IV massacre is an account that cannot be told with facts alone,” Leonard begins when they have the attention of the class. “4,000 people died, but unless you live through something like that-” (Jim doesn’t even blink) “it’s hard to really understand what that means. So in an effort to make this as real as possible, we’ve constructed a series of slides with pictures that show the colony as it was before, during, and after the massacre.”
They go through the slides slowly, speaking only occasionally, and Leonard can see the horror grow on each face until, by the end, no one even dares whisper.
“Kodos played God, and nothing should justify that, not even the fungus,” Jim concludes, voice harsh and unforgiving. “What right did he have to decide who deserved to live or die? Even if those people would’ve died anyway, at least then it would’ve been up to fate, and not to a man. No human being should ever have that kind of power.”
Even Admiral Becker is silent as they take their seats.
Year One: Part II
Master Post