star trek: measure of a man (Year One: Part III)
Day 187, Hour 3
The other doctors are still giving him grief over the flight simulation, but at least it’s a little easier to bear.
Blake comes in for his shift with a smirk on his face. “You retaking the test soon, McCoy?”
There’s no cruelty on his face, but Leonard’s not fooled. These doctors might pretend to be friendly with everyone but underneath all that these people are cutthroat, and almost maliciously competitive. Leonard just wants to focus on his own work and wishes the rest of them would do that instead of concentrating on everyone else’s, but he can play the game if he has to.
His expression doesn’t change. “I’m working it out.”
Blake chuckles. “Let’s hope so.”
Leonard doesn’t even bother with a reply.
Day 192, Hour 6
When Leonard’s comm goes off, he’s not immediately sure where the sound is coming from. He thinks it was in the dream he was just having, so as he’s waking up it takes him a minute to realize that the sound’s still going on.
He reaches for it, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. “Hello?”
“Bones?”
It’s Jim. Of course. Fuck, it’s too early for this. “What’s so important that you had to call this early for?”
There’s silence on the other line. Finally, Jim says, “Fuck. Sorry.”
Leonard sighs. “Don’t be like that, you can tell me-”
He realizes Jim’s hung up the same moment realizes his voice was thick and slurred, the way Jim gets when he’s drunk. Jim never calls him when he’s drunk. Instantly awake, Leonard immediately comms him back and doesn’t even give him a chance to say anything. “Where are you?”
“I dunno…there’s some water, though.”
“What the hell do you mean, you don’t know? How did you get there?”
“Don’t remember…I was drunk. I think I still might be.”
“What’s the matter with you?” Leonard snaps, but he’s concerned, already on his feet to get dressed. “Can you make it back to campus?”
“I think so…” There’s an extended pause, and it sounds like Jim’s trying to get up. Then there’s the distinct sound of vomiting. Leonard winces. Finally Jim says hoarsely, “I actually don’t know…”
Leonard thinks that’s as close to asking for help as Jim’s going to get right now, but he doesn’t even care. He already knows what he’s going to do. “What else are you by? Any landmarks?”
“I’m sitting on a bench…by some water…and there’s a red building…”
Aha. “Okay, I know where you are. I’m getting a cab and will come find you, so don’t move.”
Jim laughs hollowly. “Don’t think you have to worry about that.”
“Well, I’ll be there soon kid.”
As he disconnects the comm, Leonard’s concern grows. He knows Jim likes his alcohol, probably too much, but this is unusual behavior, even for the kid. There’s got to be some kind of explanation for it.
And then he catches the date as he’s hurrying out of his room. He stares at it, thinking there’s something familiar about it, something that he should know. It comes to him in a rush, leaving him feeling like the biggest asshole on the face of the planet.
Oh, fuck.
It was Jim’s birthday, and Leonard didn’t even remember.
Day 192, Hour 9
Jim is sleeping in Leonard’s bed because his roommate was in. This is Leonard’s one free period today, so he’s trying to use it to do some reading but he’s not really focused on it. His thoughts keep going back to the conversation with Jim in the cab, and even though he’s starting to lose track of the number of times he’s returned to it his mind isn’t ready to let it go.
“My roommate’s going to be pissed if I wake him up,” Jim mumbled in the cab, already half asleep. “I don’t think he likes me very much.”
“Well, my roommate has class all morning,” Leonard answered, more sympathetic than annoyed, deciding not to comment on the second part. “You can sleep in my bed.”
Jim’s facial expression was an odd mixture of relief and hesitance. “Really? Because that would be awesome.”
“Sure, kid.” It was Leonard’s turn to hesitate, because he wasn’t sure how Jim would react to the question he wanted to ask. So he decided to say it a different way. “Happy birthday.”
Jim actually looked confused. “What?”
“I’m sorry I forgot.”
“I just can’t remember the last time someone’s told me that.”
That only made Leonard feel more guilty. “So this is how you celebrate?”
“I don’t like remembering my birthday,” Jim said with a shrug, turning away from him. “Drinking helps.”
As Leonard watches him sleep, he thinks Jim almost looks as vulnerable here as he does when he’s drunk. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Jim say anything that personally revealing on his own free will. He’s going to have to make it up to the kid somehow.
He doesn’t know how yet.
But he’ll figure out something.
Day 200, Hour 14
Leonard picks up a six-pack of Budweiser Classics and goes to Jim’s room, taking a chance that he’ll be there. Sure enough, Jim opens the door, grinning when he sees it’s him.
Then he catches sight of the beer and his face lights up even more. “What’s the occasion, Bones?”
“Next time kid, know you can always drink with me on your birthday if you want the company.” He passes the beer to Jim, who takes it, an unreadable expression on his face.
Jim swallows once and coughs, though Leonard decides to pretend he didn’t hear it. The light in his eyes isn’t quite as bright and his smile is a little tight around the edges but Leonard understands. “I’ll have that drink with you now, if you have the time.”
It’s moments like these that really remind Leonard of just how insecure Jim is underneath all his bluster and bravado because Jim’s superficial personality makes it easy to forget that sometimes. He can see how Jim can fool those around him into thinking he is as arrogant and confident as he acts-hell, Leonard himself was fooled by that first impression on the shuttle-but inside is a kid as vulnerable, if not more so, as the next person.
Leonard grins. “Sure do, kid.”
Jim grins back, the uncertainty gone as quickly as it arrived. “’Course, I’d be worried if you didn’t. There should always be time for beer.”
“And now we’re wasting it by continuing standing here,” Leonard drawls, following Jim inside his room, relieved his roommate isn’t there.
Jim claps him on the shoulder. “Profound, Bones.” Taking out a beer, Jim raises it and declares, “A toast, to beer.”
Leonard raises a beer of his own. “To beer.”
Day 224, Hour 20
Leonard might’ve forgotten his own birthday if it weren’t for the letter from Joanna that came that morning.
It said, Happy birthday Daddy. I love you.
There was no Daddy, please come home soon, and it broke his hardened heart knowing that she already understood that he wasn’t going to be coming home. Birthdays always put him in a bad mood, but even though it’s the evening now, he’s still feeling pretty miserable. If anything, he’s feeling worse since he’s had the entire day to stew over it, and right now he just wants to get drunk because he can’t think of another way to deal with the guilt.
He was planning on getting drunk in his room and then passing out, but before he can even start there’s a knock on his door. Goddamnit. He considers ignoring whoever it is, but something gets him to his feet and over to the door.
It’s Jim. Of course. “Where’ve you been hiding all day, Bones? Happy birthday, man! Let’s go out and celebrate-I’ll even buy you a couple drinks.”
Leonard thinks he’s staring, but he honestly didn’t expect the kid to remember. Maybe he mentioned his birthday was coming up once in passing, but if he were in Jim’s place he would’ve forgotten. Hell, he had been in Jim’s place when he forgot his birthday. This kid continues to surprise him, and suddenly he doesn’t want to be alone. He wants to be with a friend.
“Sure,” Leonard says, and Jim’s face breaks out into a grin. “Let’s get drunk.”
“That might be the greatest idea you’ve ever had,” Jim answers with a laugh.
Leonard snorts. “If that’s what you call a great idea, I’d hate to know your idea of a bad one.”
Jim chuckles. “All you need is a little alcohol for every idea to seem like a good one.”
Leonard doesn’t say anything, because he’s not sure he agrees with him. He might be in a pleasant fog by the time the night is done, but he thinks he’ll still feel that leaving Joanna was the wrong thing to do, that maybe he should’ve stuck it out with Jocelyn not for her, but for his daughter.
Day 230, Hour 4
“Hey, McCoy,” Blake calls as he comes in for the early bird shift.
“What?” Leonard snaps, irritated because he was up all night studying, and he becomes even more paranoid on no sleep. He thought he heard a mocking tone in Blake’s voice, as if the other doctor’s surprised he’s still here. It sounded as though Blake was going to say something else, but Leonard cut him off because he really didn’t want to hear it.
“Geez, I was just saying hello,” Blake grumbles as he heads for the door. “Sounds like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed.”
Yeah, right. Leonard knows it wasn’t just a simple hello, and he knows that’s not just his paranoia’s interpretation. The taunts have died down somewhat since the prelim, but he knows the judgment is still there. “You try getting no sleep and see how cheerful you’d be. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not feeling like sunshine and rainbows right now.”
Blake snorts. “Do you ever, McCoy?”
“I have my moments.”
“Whatever, man,” Blake says, completely dismissing him with a wave as he exits.
That’s exactly how Leonard feels too. Even though Blake is out of earshot, he mutters asshole under his breath and feels better almost instantly.
Day 237, Hour 24
He’s up late studying for a chemistry exam early the next day when Jim finds him and tries to get him to go out to the bars.
“Come on man, live a little,” Jim insists. “And don’t use that I’m too old shit on me. You’re only too old in your head.”
Leonard snorts. “Actually, I was going to use the I have to study for an exam tomorrow one, but that’s basically foreign language to you, isn’t it?”
“I can’t help being a genius. Besides, you probably know more of this crap than you think. What more will a couple hours of studying do, anyway? Take a chance, Bones. Be spontaneous for once.”
“I can be spontaneous,” Leonard snaps.
“Yeah?” Jim challenges. “Prove it.”
Leonard looks down at the textbook and thinks that Jim might be right this time. It’s not as if he’s never taken chemistry before, and he does know most of this information. He thinks he still feels like he needs to study more because he’s still getting readjusting to this test business. Well, fuck that.
Mind made up, he closes his books and gets to his feet. “Lead the way, kid.”
Jim grins. “Now you’re talking.”
Day 240, Hour 8
Leonard’s so hung over that he needs two hypos before he can function.
But when he comes out of the exam confident he aced it, he thinks maybe Jim does have a point after all.
Day 245, Hour 10
When CMO Beckinsale asks to meet with him in his office, Leonard’s first thought is that this is somehow related to his flight prelim. Even though it’s been months now, the only fallout was a week’s worth of gossip (though every now and then, he’ll catch people he doesn’t know whispering about him, starting with, “Isn’t that the guy who…”).
“Take a seat, McCoy.” Beckinsale motions to the empty chair across from him and Leonard obeys wordlessly, trying to squash the million different thoughts going through his head.
“As you may have heard, an internship has opened up in the Emergency Room over at San Francisco Multispecies Hospital.”
Leonard hadn’t heard, and was actually starting to stress out about the summer because he didn’t really have a plan. A backup was going to be just taking some classes at the Academy to keep busy, but he wasn’t all that excited about it.
He’s not at all prepared for what Beckinsale says next. “I’d like to offer that internship to you.”
Leonard thinks his jaw might be hanging open a little bit. “But I failed the preliminary flight exam.”
“I know Doctor McCoy, and you will have to deal with that next semester. But this isn’t about the flight simulation. You are the best doctor in your year. And we would like to recognize that by offering you this internship.”
This man never gives compliments-or at least, Leonard’s never heard him give one-and though the guy’s still not smiling, that doesn’t even matter. It makes everything he suffered this year worth it, to know that being the best doctor he can be makes him better than them all. He didn’t even have to play their games to get to the top.
Day 249, Hour 18
Finals are upon them before Leonard realizes it, and he still can’t quite believe he survived the year.
It doesn’t matter that it’s not even over yet.
What matters is that he’s still here, that he didn’t give up even in the darker moments, that he’s on his way to starting over. He did think he was at a dead end when things ended with Jocelyn, that it was maybe too late to do anything more with his life.
But he’s starting to understand that nothing could be farther from the truth.
Day 268, Hour 14
Saying goodbye to Jim for the summer is harder than Leonard expected.
“Knock them dead at SFMH man,” Jim says, clapping him on the back. “At least you get to escape this place for a little while.”
There’s support in the gesture, but Leonard can’t help but wonder if Jim’s just hiding the jealousy. Hell, Leonard would hate being stuck here for a summer too. Even if he’s only going to another hospital, he thinks the change of scenery will do him good. And maybe he shouldn’t, but he worries that Jim will lose focus on his own and will turn back towards bars and general mischief making.
“Hang in there, kid,” Leonard says finally, returning the supportive clap. “It’s only a couple months.”
Jim snorts. “Yeah, only a couple months of goddamn school. And then…wait for it…more school. Fuck, I can’t believe I’m doing this. But I’ve gotta get the hell out of here in three years. I know I say a lot of shit, but I want them to see I’m serious about this.”
“And they will.”
Shaking his head, Jim says, “Well, maybe not. But at least it might make people start looking at me as my own person. I’m not trying to become my father’s son. I’m trying to be me.”
Aside from Tarsus IV, Leonard’s never heard Jim speak this seriously about anything. “You don’t need to convince me, kid.”
“I know.” Jim manages a smile. “Do me one favor, will you Bones? Go out and get drunk at least one bar for me. Please.”
Leonard guffaws. “That’s your lame ass idea of a favor? Please. I’ll know where all the best bars are by the end of the first week.”
He’s sincere about making it to one bar, but in all honesty, that statement is pure sarcasm. The only reason he got out at all this year was because of Jim, and Jim knows it because he just shakes his head and laughs.
Day 269, Hour 10
The day after the last exam, Leonard packs up his meager belongings-he still needs only one bag-and moves to his summer apartment to prepare for his internship.
It’s in downtown San Francisco, only a few blocks from the hospital, and it’s an absolute shit hole.
It looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in a millennia, and he has to fight to turn his attention to other aspects of the room just so he can step inside, but can’t help himself to at least one thought about the number of potential diseases that are lying in wait.
It’s one room with the smallest kitchen he’s ever seen at one end and a bed just as small against the other side. The bathroom is off to the side. He can barely fit in.
Hopefully his work will make up for these living accommodations, but he doesn’t want to get his hopes up too high.
Day 271, Hour 8
He gets a tour of the hospital right away, and afterward he meets his superior (Doctor Brennan) and the other doctors who work in the Emergency Room. It’s a small team, and right away he feels a different atmosphere here than the one at the Academy. This is a no-nonsense group, an assortment of people who care more about doing good for their patients than doing good for themselves.
That’s always been Leonard’s philosophy. Besides, if your work is good and you take care of your patients, you’ll eventually get recognized for that too. The other approach has never made sense to him, not even when he was young. There’s politics here, sure, at least there won’t be all that extra school related crap.
He shakes their hands, thinking that he’ll like it here.
Day 275, Hour 15
He came into this expecting that there wouldn’t be much chance for a life outside of the hospital, and those expectations haven’t let him down so far. When he’s not working a shift he’s on call, and most of the time he’s grateful for being kept so busy because he doesn’t have even a minute to think about anything outside of work. But when he does have a minute or more of downtime, he’s at a loss as to what to do with it.
He spares a thought as to how Jim’s handling being stuck in school before deciding to comm him. Even though he wasn’t exactly expecting him to answer, the message box catches him off guard all the same when he realizes he’s not sure of what to say.
Feeling awkward, he manages:
“Jim, it’s Leonard. I have a moment and thought I’d call.
“Uh, hope your classes are going well.
“Call if you get the chance. Ok, that’s it. Bye.”
Day 280, Hour 5
“Bones. Classes suck. And fuck, it’s five in the morning already?
“Shit. Hope I didn’t wake you up.”
Day 283, Hour 18
“I was in the middle of the longest period of sleep I had in days when the phone woke me up. But at least I had a good enough reason for not getting up in time to answer.
“And now here I am, calling at a reasonable time, and you can’t even pick up. You’re in your room, aren’t you?
“Shit, of course you are. Even you wouldn’t take that many classes. Call me back during the day next time, jackass.”
Day 286, Hour 1
“I was drunk, asshole.
“And only old people are asleep at one in the morning.
“Where the fuck are you?”
Day 289, Hour 9
“The emergency room is always open, you fool, for idiots like yourself.
“You probably even knew some of them.”
Day 295, Hour 3
“Fuck you.”
Day 300, Hour 24
He watches while a fifteen-year-old boy with a gunshot wound in his heart dies on the operating table, feeling helpless and angry and bitter because watching is all he can do. It doesn’t even matter that the boy was dying before Leonard saw him, that there wasn’t anything he could’ve done.
It still happened.
That boy’s face is going to be with him for a long time.
Day 310, Hour 3
“You owe me a call, asshole.”
Day 315, Hour 10
“You never pick up your comm, moron.”
Day 325, Hour 7
Leonard’s in that confused state between drowsiness and full awareness when his comm goes off. Groaning, he leans over to pick it up and sees that it’s Jim. Damnit. He wants to answer it, but he’s not sure he’s coherent and energized enough to handle a long conversation so in the end he decides not to answer it.
“Bones? Are you there? I bet you’re ignoring me, aren’t you? Bastard.”
There’s a pause. Then, “I was hoping to talk to you. I could…well, never mind. Later.”
Leonard feels a little guilty, but he’s too out of it to focus on the emotion for long, or to dwell on the odd hesitance in Jim’s voice.
It’s not until later that he remembers, and he’s aware enough for the guilt to stay with him for the rest of the day.
Day 330, Hour 10
Leonard got no sleep at all last night for the third night in a row, and he knows it’s going to be a bad day because it’s only morning and he’s already lost track of how many cups of coffee he’s had.
He has a twenty-minute lunch break and almost falls asleep over his sandwich.
It takes every ounce of will power he has to get out of his chair and back out onto the floor.
Day 337, Hour 16
Leonard’s at his apartment but on call when Jim comms, and he makes a grab for it, taking the risk.
“It’s about damn time.”
“Aw, did you miss the sound of my voice?”
“I see you’re still full of it.”
“Is that a hint of denial I hear?”
Leonard rolls his eyes before he remembers Jim can’t see that. “Oh, stop deluding yourself-”
He’s about to continue when he hears a beeping sound of another call coming in. He takes a quick look at it, and even though he’s not surprised to see it’s the hospital he’s annoyed all the same. Shit, he wishes he didn’t have to do this because they weren’t even talking about anything real yet.
“Jim-fuck, I’m sorry, I’ve gotta run. I’m getting a page from work and I’ve gotta take it. I’ll make it up to you, okay?”
“Sure, fine.”
Jim’s trying to be casual, but it’s obvious to Leonard that he’s not okay. He hates that he has to let things go like this. Unfortunately he doesn’t have any choice in the matter, which he hates even more.
Day 344, Hour 24
He has an unexpected postcard from Joanna waiting for him when he gets back from the late shift.
Are you having a good summer, Daddy? My summer’s sucked, Mommy’s been making me do summer school.
Leonard couldn’t help a laugh. Yep, that sounded like Jocelyn. It also sounded like Joanna was starting the rebellious phase a little early, and he can’t help but wonder if that had something to do with his leaving. In fact, he’s pretty sure it does.
I miss you Daddy.
Going to the liquor cabinet, he takes out the last of the bourbon he picked up the other day. He knows he’s going to regret this in the morning because he’s only got a few hours to sleep, including the time he’s using right now, but he just can’t bring himself to care.
Day 351, Hour 1
He’s lost track of how long he’s been in the hospital today, but he knows it’s late because he’s starting to become immune to coffee. He’s on his sixth cup and his eyes are still aching and he’s fighting against yawning, both of which are just bad signs.
Even though he’s on call for the rest of the night, his scheduled hours for the day are done so he decides to take the risk and starts heading for the elevator. A relieved breath has just left his lips when someone forces the doors open, and Leonard almost doesn’t hide the exasperated exhale in time from Dr. Brennan, his superior.
Brennan’s expression is somewhere between frazzled and apologetic. “I’m sorry Dr. McCoy, there’s an emergency in room 414 and we could really use an extra pair of hands.”
It’s almost a request, but Leonard knows he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. Sometimes he really hates his work and wonders why the hell he didn’t pursue psychology, a career that probably would’ve given him more sleep each night.
“You can count on me, sir,” Leonard says, kissing any sleep he was going to get tonight goodbye.
Day 357, Hour 5
He hasn’t heard from Jim since their last-and only-rushed conversation, so when he gets back from the early shift the message is unexpected. Even more unexpected is the upbeat, excited tone in Jim’s voice.
“I hope you’re excited about the upcoming semester, Bones! Get your ass back here soon, man. This place has sucked this summer.”
Leonard thinks it’s the closest to an I’ve missed you that he’s going to get from Jim. He actually has missed the kid, because Jim had that way of reminding him that he still had an entire life to live and wasn’t as old as he felt he was.
This summer was about his career and making contacts, not about making friends. But on his own, it’s far easier to get stuck in his mind and even harder to get out of it.
Day 358, Hour 10
The summer’s coming to a close, but Leonard’s actually looking forward to getting out of this place. He’s grateful for the opportunity of working in stressful situations in a top hospital, but there was no time for friends or a social life of any kind and honestly, the loneliness is finally starting to get to him.
He thinks his odd friendship with Jim is probably responsible for this somehow, because he’s used to being alone more often than not and it’s never really bothered him before.
While he’s not really excited to see the other doctor’s again, he at least has a better idea of how to navigate around their circle and will try to make nice if only to keep an eye on his competition. But he has no intention of playing their dirty manipulative games this year because he knows who his real friends are-well, one friend really-and he’s tired of wasting his time on people who don’t matter.
He’s still afraid of flying and is going to have to deal with that somehow, but he’s not going to let it get in the way of his second year. He may have ruined things with Jocelyn, but when it comes to his career, he’s never given up on anything he’s set out to do.
Starfleet will be no different.
Year One: Part II | Year Two: Part I
Master Post