IMB/IBB 2013: Then I Can Fall (1/2)
Title: Then I Can Fall
Pairing/Focus: Sunggyu/Hoya, Sunggyu/Hoya/Woohyun
Rating: R
Word Count: 10,528
Summary: Hoya once dreamed of a beautiful future with Sunggyu, but when Woohyun takes him away, Hoya just watches. And waits.
A/N: Dedicated to kitty, the love of puppy's life. Please know how much you mean to him. To bear, you're amazing but I guess puppy and you aren't meant to be. Perhaps in another lifetime. And to puppy, I suppose, for being the greatest muse I've ever had. Sorry I put you through so much. This isn't based on a true story, even though it sort of happened. Swear I didn't mean it. And I never meant for the ending to be like this. It was never going to be this way until all that happened and I just couldn’t proceed with my original plan. Title and quotes from Yellowcard’s Martin Sheen or JFK.
You float away, and leave me stranded
What’s left to say, I’ll hurt for you
If Hoya says he isn’t hurt at all when Sunggyu drifts away from him and into the arms of one Nam Woohyun... well, scratch that. He could never say that even if he made himself do it. He has watched his Sunggyu hyung grow closer to his roommate, and watched him grow distant from Hoya. How could it not hurt when they had once been so close yet Sunggyu could just let himself gravitate towards someone else he hated in the beginning?
Hoya isn’t the selfish type. He hasn’t let himself say anything, because he has seen the leader's face. It's the hard truth he has to accept and get over eventually. Maybe not now.
Sunggyu used to whine and grouse about how annoying Woohyun is to Hoya in the beginning. That was the beginning. When Woohyun was the only thing Sunggyu was talking about, even if he were grumbling about him, Hoya had already known things were going to turn out this way. He had done nothing, just stood by quietly and watched everything happened. He knew, of course, that Sunggyu is a stubborn, stubborn man, and when he has his mind set on something, he will get it regardless of what it takes.
He set his mind on Woohyun, now Hoya is left to deal with the consequences.
---
Everything starts from the day they shared burgers in the playground that was in the vicinity of their practice studio. They didn’t think it would rain when they left to look for food. No one else was in the studio and it hadn’t occurred to them they had not eaten the whole day until Sunggyu decided to take a break because he just couldn’t get that one move right and he was frustrated. The hands of his watch were at a strange position. Strange because Sunggyu thought it was just past evening. It turned out it was almost eleven. Sunggyu wailed loudly and startled Hoya, who had just turned off the music. He spun around to look at Sunggyu with his eyes wide.
“What is it, hyung?”
Sunggyu pouted. “I’m hungry.”
Hoya smiled slightly and shook his head, belatedly realizing that he too, was starving. “Okay, hyung, you didn’t have to wail dramatically though.”
Sunggyu sighed and got up from the floor. “There’s no more packed food left. What now?”
Hoya glanced at him and shrugged.
Sunggyu sighed again, more loudly this time, and grabbed his wallet. “Let’s just go out to get something. I don’t want to stay in here anymore.”
The younger boy nodded, wiping the perspiration off his forehead with a towel before tossing it aside.
It occurred to neither of them that most of the shops were already closed, and what was left open were a few 24-hour fast food joints. So they ended up with burgers and fries. They were unhealthy, and they knew they were going to get a really bad scolding but at that point, neither cared. They didn’t want to sit in the fast food place because they knew they didn’t exactly smell like fresh flowers.
So they took their food with them, and looked for an inconspicuous spot to eat in. They eventually decided on the playground nearby. It was empty at this time, anyway, except for the occasional passer-by. So Sunggyu found himself sitting atop the slide, legs stretched out as he ate his burger. Hoya ended up on the swing.
The light breeze was welcoming, and both of them ate mostly in silence. That was, until the thunder loomed way too close for comfort, then it began.
Hoya almost couldn’t run quick enough. He collided into Sunggyu just as he got under the nearest shelter-the small area under the connecting areas of the playground. It wasn’t the best option, but hey, whatever worked. Fortunately for both of them, the burgers were already out of their hands, and said hands were then clutching at each other’s arms. Sunggyu had reached out to hold Hoya when he ran into him, and Hoya had instinctively held onto Sunggyu to steady himself. When they realized what was happening, both let go hastily.
Sunggyu picked up the bag of fries and held it up to Hoya, who took from it gratefully.
“What are we going to do?”
Sunggyu shrugged. “We could... wait it out, I guess.” When Hoya said nothing, he continued, “I doubt anyone’s expecting us anyway.”
Hoya nodded, and chewed on more fries.
The rain wasn’t letting up. If anything, it just got bigger. It was still the beginnings of spring, and while the breeze was friendly, the wind in the cold rain was everything but. They huddled closer to each other, the bag of fries empty and abandoned in the corner.
“Should we make a run for it?” Hoya turned to Sunggyu.
Sunggyu shook his head. “We’ll both fall sick if we try to brave this rain. At least we’re dry here even though it’s cold.”
As if to refute Sunggyu’s words, the wind suddenly blew a little harder, the whistling loud in their ears.
Hoya looked at Sunggyu with puppy eyes, although Sunggyu would say they looked more like those of a deer in headlights. The future leader sighed and shook his head. “Not changing my mind, Howon.”
“But I’m freezing, hyung.”
Sunggyu pulled the hood of Hoya’s jacket over his head and tugged on the drawstrings. “There, all nice and snug.”
“Hyung...”
“Shh. You’ll be fine.” Sunggyu hesitated for a moment before shifting closer to the younger boy, putting his arm around him.
Hoya felt a pang of sadness hit him that same moment. Then it all came in a rush; the lack of sleep, the exhaustion, the intensity of routines, the amount of work he had put in, the family he missed so much, the affection he longed for, and a hug-arms that could hold him and take everything away for a moment, tell him that everything will be alright. Sunggyu did just that, and then Hoya was crying. Except he shouldn’t be. He was stronger than that, he couldn’t show his weakness. But the more he tried to stop himself, the worse it became.
At first, Sunggyu didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t seen Hoya like this before. He had always been quiet and strong since they met. He seldom spoke about his family, but when he did, it was to say that he had to prove something to his father before he could go home. Sunggyu felt the same way, but Hoya seemed to have more purpose and conviction than he did. The older boy tried to hold Hoya closer, wrapping both his arms around him, rubbing his back with one and pushing Hoya’s head onto his shoulder with the other.
“It’s okay, Hoya, you’ll be okay.”
He couldn’t reply but somehow Sunggyu’s arms made it convincing. So Hoya nodded, and let his tears soak into Sunggyu’s jacket.
Sunggyu wouldn’t say that he was stronger, but he was stubborn. And it was often his stubborn nature that stopped him from doing a lot of things. Breaking down was one of those things. Sometimes it got so hard that all he wanted to do was scream and give up, but because he was stubborn, and because he had something to prove, he kept it inside. He was a blind, charging bull, fueled by ambition and pride. He would not let anything stop him. He might be slowed down, yes, but never stopped.
So when Hoya cried, all Sunggyu allowed of himself was a little sniff that no one heard.
The rain wasn’t letting up, and Sunggyu hoped the rain wouldn’t flood the spot they sat on, because when Hoya’s sobbing eventually subsided, all Sunggyu felt was a steady breathing against his neck. The younger boy had definitely fallen asleep, then. Sunggyu didn’t realize the small smile that crept on his face, never realized until he pressed his lips lightly to Hoya’s hair.
Hoya stirred, but did nothing except burrow closer to Sunggyu.
Sunggyu let him sleep, and fell asleep with his face pressed against Hoya’s hair some time later, the pitter-pattering of the rain becoming a drone.
It was almost dawn when Sunggyu suddenly jerked awake, shivering. It had stopped raining, but it was still cold. Hoya woke a moment later, but pressed his face into the crook of Sunggyu’s neck, arms tightening around the older man.
Sunggyu resisted the urge to nuzzle his hair. “You’re awake.”
Hoya nodded. “It’s cold, hyung.”
He was doing it again, and Sunggyu had to try so hard. The thing about Hoya was that he rarely, if ever, showed weakness, and now that he was, all Sunggyu wanted to do was cradle him in his arms and protect him from everyone and everything. Maybe that was why he would be the perfect leader, but he didn’t know that then. After all, he had done nothing but give the others a pat on the back or a squeeze of the shoulder when they were crying. Hoya was different somehow. Sunggyu didn’t know why. Or it could be that he didn’t want to know. But Hoya was just special anyway.
Sunggyu rubbed Hoya’s back again and mumbled against his hair. “We should go back.”
Hoya nodded a little more enthusiastically this time, and reluctantly lifted his head from Sunggyu’s shoulder. His eyes were a little puffy and red from all the crying, and Sunggyu sighed before ruffling his hair. Hoya frowned, and Sunggyu wondered if that was the end of vulnerable Hoya for however long again. He said nothing and let the boy get to his feet, then grabbed his hand to pull himself up. He couldn’t feel his feet when he did, and gripped Hoya’s hand way too tightly as he leaned into him, letting the pins and needles attack his legs. Hoya waited.
When it got better, Sunggyu muttered an apology that Hoya brushed off, then tugged on his hand and led him out from under the playground.
“Where are we going, hyung?”
“The studio. We’ll just get washed up and... stay there till it’s time for practice again. No point in going back to the dorm now...”
Hoya nodded. “And um, hyung?”
Sunggyu looked at Hoya and waited for him to continue.
It took a while before he finally did, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. “Don’t tell anyone about what happened..?”
Sunggyu smiled and then there it was again. That feeling. He pushed it away before it consumed him. “Of course, Hoya, I won’t.” Sunggyu squeezed Hoya’s hand, not wanting to let go.
They ended up holding hands all the way back, none of them saying a word.
---
Both of them were shivering hard when they got back, the biting wind in the morning was relentless. The warmth of the studio was so comforting that both of them just sat on the floor after grabbing some towels to wrap around themselves. On hindsight, the decision to leave for food was the dumbest they had ever come up with, and they would have been better off if they had just headed back to the dorm. But Sunggyu couldn’t exactly say he regretted it. He glanced at Hoya, who looked back at him, and swallowed nervously. He wished he could act on those feelings, but that was something he might possibly come to regret.
Hoya didn’t say anything, but his eyes said it all. If the previous night was any indication, he was lonely, sick of it all, and desperately in need of some touch and concern. Sunggyu wanted to give him everything. He put his towel around Hoya too, then wrapped his arms around him.
And then whatever happened next... well, Sunggyu wasn’t sure what exactly happened next. He didn’t know who leaned in first, but then suddenly they were kissing. Some part of Sunggyu figured it was him that initiated it. But it didn’t matter anyway. It grew hot quickly, both drawing heat from the other as their tongues sought and explored.
It was also Sunggyu who eventually pulled away first. He muttered a very muffled “sorry” and got to his feet, disappearing to the bathroom.
---
Hoya watched Sunggyu leave him. He watched the door close and listened as the water started running. He pulled the towels tighter around himself, and absently licked his lips. He didn’t know why it happened, he didn’t know why he kissed Sunggyu back, he didn’t really understand any of it, but he knew that it felt good. Great, actually. Hoya regretted that Sunggyu withdrew from it so quickly, and wondered if it was because he was scared.
It was amusing, in some way, because Sunggyu was never scared. He had to have known what he was doing, had to have wanted this somehow. But now he was hiding away in the bathroom, washing away all traces of it.
When Sunggyu finally reappeared, his hair was damp, his white t-shirt was wet and clung to his body at the spots he didn’t dry himself properly. Hoya didn’t let himself look any longer, he just got up quietly and went into the bathroom.
---
Sunggyu could hear his heart thumping in his chest as he stared at the door, waiting for it to open, waiting for Hoya to be done. The younger boy visibly jumped when he opened the door to Sunggyu standing right outside. There was purpose in his eyes, and this time Sunggyu didn’t hold back. Hoya didn’t resist either.
They made out in the bathroom until the other trainees started arriving.
Sunggyu hopped out first, and pretended to be rummaging through his bag. A quick glance at the mirror showed him just how intensely they had been kissing, and he was sure someone would notice. His head whipped up the moment the bathroom door clicked open and Hoya stepped out. His lower lip was a little thicker than usual and it was definitely red. Their eyes met for a moment and Sunggyu looked away quickly.
It turned out that there was nothing to worry about anyway, because everyone was too dazed to even notice. Or if anyone did notice, they couldn’t be bothered enough to care. All of them were just too damn tired. That night, they went back to the dorm with the other guys, too many unspoken words hanging like a poisonous mist above them, and the one who spoke first was at a risk of suffocating. So neither said a word, their out-of-the-blue and ridiculously intense make-out session fresh on their minds.
They didn’t act differently around each other, and everything stayed the way it was until a couple of days later when the guys had all split and it was just Hoya and Sunggyu left again.
“So, burgers?” Sunggyu said before he could stop himself.
Hoya nodded, and wordlessly got up to grab extra jackets, tossing one to Sunggyu.
Sunggyu grinned, and reached for his hand, like it was the most normal thing in the world to do.
Hoya hid a smile, and went along with it.
---
After approximately three more times of having burgers at the playground, squeezing each other’s hands when they were getting ridiculed by kids for looking like homeless people, huddling with each other when it got too cold, and sharing kisses when it was too silent, it did become the most normal thing in the world to do. It was an unspoken agreement. And both of them liked it; were thankful for it. It made both of them feel needed, it gave them both the motivation to persevere, and it gave them something to look forward to.
The day it became serious was the day Sunggyu ended up yelling at Hoya because “no, you’re getting it all wrong, how many times must I tell you that your key is wrong”. Both of them were frustrated, Hoya slightly more so than Sunggyu because he had tried his best but it just couldn’t come out the way he wanted it to. So when all the members were leaving, Hoya was still locked in the bathroom. Dongwoo told Sunggyu not to be so hard on Hoya, and asked him to take him home. Sunggyu nodded, sighing, and watched as they all left.
Dongwoo had been Hoya’s best friend since day one. They entered the company as trainees at the same time, and all their common interests made them click immediately. Sunggyu supposed Hoya had to have said something to Dongwoo about this... thing between them. Sunggyu wasn’t sure what it was. He figured Hoya wasn’t, either.
But it was all going to change.
It was like the day that started it all again. Sunggyu waited outside the door till Hoya eventually came out. His eyes were red, he was sniffing quietly, and he just looked really tired.
“I’m sorry.” Sunggyu said.
Hoya just looked up at him and said nothing.
So Sunggyu did what he did best. He pulled Hoya into a tight hug, rubbing his back and stroking his hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.”
“It’s not your fault, hyung.”
“It kind of was, though.” Sunggyu admitted. “I shouldn’t have lost control.”
Hoya sighed, and buried his face in the crook of Sunggyu’s neck.
“Come on, I’ll bring you home.”
“Can we just... stay here for a while?”
Sunggyu leaned away to look at Hoya, then he nodded before leaning back in to kiss him gently on the lips. Nothing was different the way they started kissing, but the emotions were running wild this time. Hoya was groping frantically at Sunggyu, desperate for his touch, desperate for his approval, desperate for him. And Sunggyu returned the sentiment when Hoya was pressing him on the mirror, hands covering his chest, and his thigh slightly lifted between Sunggyu’s legs.
When Hoya’s hands started moving downwards, Sunggyu reached for Hoya’s pants, cupping his crotch as he ran his finger along the waistband of his pants. Hoya gasped softly and stared at Sunggyu, who responded by squeezing the slight bulge in his pants. The resulting moan that Hoya emitted sounded ridiculously hot in Sunggyu’s ears, and the older boy did it again just to hear it once more.
Refusing to let Sunggyu better him, Hoya slipped his hands into Sunggyu’s track pants, starting from his butt then moving slowly to the front. Sunggyu leaned forward and nipped at Hoya’s lips, his fingers tracing the outline of the growing bulge in Hoya’s pants. The younger boy eventually decided he had enough of it, and took things into his own hands, literally. He grabbed Sunggyu’s hand, and shoved it down his own pants while he busied his own with Sunggyu’s cock.
It was Sunggyu who gasped this time, chewing on his lip as he watched Hoya’s face. Hoya stared back at him, and saw his own desire reflected there. He wrapped his fingers snug around Sunggyu’s hardening erection, and Sunggyu did the same. Then, almost as if they planned on it, both of them started moving at the same time. Hoya’s hand was rough on Sunggyu, and Sunggyu’s hand was slick and gentle on Hoya. Somehow it worked.
Sunggyu barely registered the pain that shot through the back of his head when Hoya pressed his lips harshly onto Sunggyu’s, pushing him against the mirror. They flicked their wrists quickly, both rolling their hips into each other almost frantically as the lust escalated.
“Hyung-”
“Howon-”
None of them got to finish their sentences but they both knew anyway. It was Sunggyu who came first, with Hoya following close behind. Then both of them slumped against the mirror, exhausted, but from everything that had happened that day. Their frustrations had dissolved together with the sexual tension that had been looming far too long between them. It was way overdue and it was gratifying. Sunggyu ran his fingers through Hoya’s sweat-dampened hair, and cupped the back of his head, pushing him close.
Sunggyu nuzzled Hoya’s nose, and then they ended up sitting in a heap against the mirror, with Hoya on Sunggyu’s lap.
“Sorry,” Sunggyu said again.
Hoya frowned, lifting a hand to push a stray strand of hair out of Sunggyu’s face.
Sunggyu waved his hand around helplessly. “You know, for hurting you earlier.”
Hoya held back the sigh of relief. “I said it’s alright, hyung.”
“I’m not going to deny that that felt good though. More than good. Amazing.”
Hoya smiled, blushing slightly.
---
And that was when the unspoken agreement evolved.
That was also when Sunggyu got arranged to practise with one Nam Woohyun from then on.
That was when everything started to take a turn downhill, just when Hoya thought it was going to get better.
“Nam Woohyun is such an annoying jerk.”
“Nam Woohyun is ridiculous.”
“Nam Woohyun just wouldn’t shut up.”
“Nam Woohyun thinks he’s so good.”
“Nam Woohyun needs to get off my back.”
At first it was amusing when Sunggyu whined and complained to Hoya. Sunggyu said that he never wanted to see Woohyun again, but Woohyun was all he ever talked about.
The thing about Woohyun, was that Hoya also practised rather frequently with him, since he was supposed to be good at dance-Hoya could see he was shit at it. And for all the things that Sunggyu complained about, Hoya found that they were hardly annoying to him at all. He often wondered why Sunggyu grumbled so much.
Sunggyu had gone home tired for several days in succession, and Hoya could only cuddle up with him. It wasn’t a problem, although Hoya did miss him a lot and he missed the kisses and everything. But he was content to hug Sunggyu to sleep. There was nothing like being in his arms or having him in his arms and Hoya supposed he was lucky to have him. Their relationship might not have been in the capacity of lovers, but Hoya hoped that it might become that one day. A man could hope, couldn’t he?
---
He didn’t hope for long. Because what he feared was indeed coming true. The reason Sunggyu kept talking about Woohyun.
Woohyun caught Hoya alone during the break. Sunggyu was away at vocal training with a few of the others, there was no better timing. Hoya knew what Woohyun was on to the first sentence he spouted.
“So... I notice you and Sunggyu hyung are really close.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you two... well, you know... together or something.”
Hoya would have loved to say yes, yes Sunggyu is mine, all of him belongs to me, but what came out of his mouth was a weak laugh followed by “No, we’re just friends”. He didn’t know how much he would have lived to regret these four words.
Woohyun’s voice immediately turned light and cheery. “Really? Oh, I thought you two might have a thing with each other. But ah. Thanks.”
“What are you thanking me for...?” Hoya blinked at him.
“I um... If you’re not with him then I guess I might stand a chance?”
---
I could sleep but I wake here
You’d still be gone and you’re my air
So Hoya watches. Watches people come and go, watches his relationships fall apart, watches Sunggyu with the other members, watches Sunggyu and Woohyun. Sometimes he wondered if he should have tried harder, tried to keep Sunggyu by his side, but then he looks at how happy he is with Woohyun now, and Hoya knows he did the right thing. He has never been a selfish man, and he knows he can never find it in himself to be one. He would rather sacrifice himself than sacrifice someone else. Needless to say, he would do anything for Sunggyu to be happy. If it has to be Woohyun who can give him that, then it will be Woohyun.
Hoya will just stand by.
God only knows how many relationships he’s single-handedly ruined by being hung up over Sunggyu. Perhaps a part of him wishes Sunggyu knew. But then again, what would it change? Nothing. Once he thought Dongwoo could have been the one to change everything again, but then it was gone. For a time they couldn’t even be friends, when they used to be able to talk about anything in the world and do everything together.
---
And Hoya is alone. Sure he has Sungjong, but then again he is always away with Myungsoo, and Hoya has no one but himself.
When he had the chance to audition for that drama, he jumped at it, knowing full well he had a good grasp of that character. He aced the auditions and got the part. And it was exactly how he wanted it to be. He spent a lot less time with the group, saw Sunggyu a lot less, hung out with his new friends from the drama loads. It was perfect. Except it wasn’t.
Hoya is grateful for the new friends he made, and he has even grown quite close with a couple of them. What he hadn’t counted on was that Sunggyu and Woohyun chose precisely the time when the drama finished filming to have their Epic Quarrel.
He is already tipsy from the celebration they had after the last scene, and all Hoya wants is to lay on his bed and sleep. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly for such a long time he actually thought he would never be able to sleep again. It turned out he still can’t, anyway. Sunggyu and Woohyun are yelling at each other, and Hoya is too out of it to actually figure out what they are saying. Dongwoo, the usual peacemaker, is nowhere in sight and that leaves the maknae line.
Of course they aren’t of much help. Myungsoo is trying to pull Sunggyu away while Sungjong is tugging on Woohyun’s arm. Nobody is really listening to Sungyeol. Hoya sighs really loudly, although no one hears him either. So Hoya walks up to all of them, grabs Sunggyu’s arm and yanks him out of the mess. No one stops him, not even Sunggyu, when Hoya drags him to the door. He doesn’t bother to look back when he is pulling Sunggyu out the door.
Sunggyu stays silent the whole way. Hoya holds his hand instead of grabbing his wrist, and when he does, Sunggyu holds back tighter. Hoya isn’t sure if he is supposed to notice that but he does anyway, and for a moment he wishes he is drunk, not just tipsy, because he would have loved to push Sunggyu up against a wall and kiss him so hard and good he’d forget who Woohyun was. But Hoya isn’t drunk, so he doesn’t.
He doesn’t know how either but he ends up where it all started. Perhaps his subconscious already has it all planned.
They end up sitting on top of the new double-slides.
“So, spill.” Hoya is well aware that both of them had fought spectacularly more than a couple of times, but they always seemed to make up right after. This time, though, Hoya knows it has been going on for a while, the cold war that has been brewing behind forced fanservice and fake smiles. He doesn’t know what triggered the physical outburst but he’ll find out. This is Sunggyu, and even if they haven’t been the closest of friends for a while now, they used to be. If anything, Hoya will do whatever it takes for Sunggyu to be happy again.
Sunggyu merely shrugs. “He said I was sick of him.”
“Are you?”
Sunggyu takes a deep breath, and Hoya knows he is stopping himself from lashing out. “No.”
“And he doesn’t believe you why?”
Sunggyu doesn’t speak again.
Hoya glances at him, then reaches for his hand. “Hyung... you can talk to me.”
“I know, Hoya, it’s just... I honestly don’t know what I’m feeling.”
“You don’t know or you don’t want to know?”
“Oh my god, Hoya, just give me a break, will you?” Sunggyu attempts to snap at Hoya, but it comes out sounding all tired instead.
Hoya resists the urge to lean over and kiss Sunggyu’s cheek. So he puts his arm around Sunggyu’s shoulders, and holds his hand with his other. “You know I’ll always be here for you, hyung.”
“That’s the problem, actually.” Sunggyu says quietly.
Hoya pulls back before he can stop himself. “What?”
Sunggyu sighs, and lays backwards onto the cold metal platform. Hoya just stares at him. “Your drama took you away from us.” Sunggyu looks up at him. “From me.”
Hoya doesn’t want to hear this. He doesn’t need to hear this. Not now. Not ever. He didn’t stand by and watch Woohyun take Sunggyu away just to hear this now. He turns away from Sunggyu, willing his heart to calm down.
But Sunggyu continues. “I miss you, Hoya. I didn’t realize how much I did until I never saw you around.”
“Stop,” Hoya mutters.
“You know that saying about how people don’t realize what they have until they’ve lost it? I know how it feels now. I think I understand it way too well now.” Sunggyu tries to reach Hoya’s hand from where he’s lying, but Hoya discreetly pulls it just out of his reach.
Hoya wants to tell him to stop again, but his voice will probably betray him. So Hoya keeps quiet, and stares into the distance, not wanting to face Sunggyu.
“The thing is, I love Woohyun. I really do. I’m happy with him. But there’s something missing, I just-”
“Stop, hyung.” Hoya says again, louder this time.
“But-”
“Hyung, don’t.”
“I-”
“Hyung.”
Sunggyu sighs and stops.
Hoya can feel Sunggyu’s eyes on his back, but he doesn’t want to turn around yet. Sunggyu probably guessed that, because the next moment he reaches out far enough to grab Hoya’s wrist, then pulls him back forcefully. Hoya panics, and cannot react in time. He ends up sprawled on Sunggyu, who wraps his arms around him so he can’t go anywhere. Hoya looks away.
“I miss you, Hoya. You have no idea how much.”
“I told you to stop, hyung.”
“Can we just pretend everything is like it was? Just for now?”
“No, hyung, we can’t.”
“Howon... please.”
“You’re not thinking straight, hyung. You just fell out with Woohyun.”
“I know what I did, Hoya. I know what I’m doing.”
“Hyung, let me go.” Hoya starts pushing at Sunggyu.
“I can’t! Not anymore! Don’t you see?”
“I don’t see anything, Sunggyu hyung. Just let me go!”
Sunggyu stays silent, and Hoya thinks he’s finally given up. He stops struggling as Sunggyu’s arms slacken around him. Then just as he tries to extract himself from Sunggyu’s embrace, the leader grabs his face and crashes their lips together.
Hoya panics again, doesn’t kiss back, pushes at Sunggyu’s chest, and tries to pull away from him. He eventually succeeds, and then he and Sunggyu just stare at each other. Sunggyu has sat up now, his eyes focused on Hoya, his expression hard, and his breathing a little quick.
“Hoya...”
“Why are you doing this, hyung?”
“You know exactly why.” Sunggyu looks down at his hands, sighing softly.
Hoya should have asked himself the questions he asked Sunggyu. Does he not know or does he not want to know? Hoya knows. He just doesn’t want to face up to the reality he forced himself to warp the day he saw Sunggyu and Woohyun making out in the dorm when they thought no one was around. Sunggyu never promised a thing with Hoya, yet he flat out admitted that he liked Woohyun after that. That was when Hoya told himself to give up because Sunggyu would never be his. If he had wanted to, then they would have had something since the first time they kissed...
The rest of it comes to him in a rush.
Hoya knows. He always has.
---
Everyone knew Woohyun confessed to Sunggyu. He didn’t make a big show of it, but it was big enough that all the trainees knew anyway. Sunggyu hadn’t said anything to Woohyun yet, and the smile on Hoya’s face wasn’t real.
Sunggyu ended up dragging Hoya to a cafe after practice, despite Hoya’s constant protesting that he was too tired and wanted to take a nap. That was Sunggyu anyway. You could resist all you wanted but if he had his mind set on it, you weren’t going anywhere else. Hoya gave up halfway, deciding that he was better off saving his breath anyway.
Hoya stared out onto the sidewalk and watched the people walking by, distracted enough to not notice when Sunggyu returned to the table with drinks for both of them. He turned back when Sunggyu kicked his foot lightly. Hoya frowned, and took the cup of what he assumed to be some kind of tea that Sunggyu had gotten for him.
“So.” Sunggyu said.
Hoya furrowed his brows at him and blinked.
Sunggyu made a vague gesture of waving his hands around awkwardly. “Well, you know...”
Hoya shook his head.
Sunggyu sighed loudly, and Hoya knew it was way too loud, because a few people turned their heads when he did. “Woohyun.” He stated flatly, his tone resigned.
Ah. That. What they were there for. “Yes, what about him?” Hoya tried to keep his voice emotionless, and supposed he did a pretty good job of it though it came out way too steely.
Sunggyu shrugged, and took a sip from his cup. “What do you think?”
Hoya watched Sunggyu, and knew that his nonchalance was completely faked. So Hoya thought for a while, weighed the odds, and then took an inaudible deep breath. Sunggyu was still looking at him intently when he looked back at him. Hoya made a big deal out of shrugging, then reached for his cup as the words left his lips. “Go for it.” He thought he saw Sunggyu’s shoulders fall. Then told himself it was his own wishful thinking.
“Oh.” was all that Sunggyu said.
Nobody spoke for the next minute. Sunggyu was busy staring at his hands, and Hoya just watched him quietly.
“I can tell you’re interested in him too, hyung. If you think it’s worth a shot then you should take it.”
Sunggyu didn’t reply for a long time. He didn’t even look at Hoya. Hoya figured it was probably five minutes later that Sunggyu finally nodded and mumbled, “Yeah. Okay. If you say so.”
After that, they stopped hanging out with each other altogether. There were no words said, no looks exchanged, nothing at all. It was as if they already agreed on it.
Hoya threw himself into endless practice, that was the only way he could get his mind off Sunggyu. The best way, at least. Meanwhile Sunggyu and Woohyun were literally inseparable. Wherever Sunggyu was, Woohyun was definitely close by. And it made sense too, with them supposed to be the vocalists of the new group their company was putting together. Hoya didn’t care. He didn’t want to care.
And Hoya thought he was pretty good at this whole not-caring business. He was kind of proud of himself in some way. Moving on wasn’t so hard as denial after all. But no, of course, nothing in his life was ever truly easy. Not the way he went against his father’s wishes to leave Busan and make his way to Seoul for a dream that might not even work out, not the way he had to put up with all the teasing and mockery from people, not the way he had to live with what he did when he let Sunggyu go.
Hoya returned to the dorm to Woohyun and Sunggyu making out on the old and mouldy sofa. He didn’t know what the emotion that was rising in him was. It could be rage, could be disappointment, could be regret, but most of all, Hoya hated himself. He didn’t try to justify it to himself, he just knew that once this passed, he’d be back to his life of escape.
Sunggyu jumped apart from Woohyun the moment he realized Hoya was there. Hoya saw a flash of panic in his eyes, then it was gone as quick as it had appeared. Sunggyu was good, good enough that Hoya never suspected a thing. All he could tell was that Sunggyu was completely obsessed with Woohyun.
“Hey.” Sunggyu said lamely, lifting his hand to scratch his head then stopping himself.
Woohyun waved half-heartedly at Hoya, and tried to pull Sunggyu back into another kiss.
Sunggyu ignored him, and instead tried to make conversation with Hoya. It should have been obvious to Sunggyu that Hoya just wanted to leave, but the would-be leader kept going anyway.
It wouldn’t have been that out of the ordinary if this just happened once. But no, it happened again and again. Every single time Hoya caught the both of them together, Sunggyu would pull away, and pretend nothing was happening. In hindsight, Hoya supposes he must have really been too busy trying to convince himself to move on because it was too easy to see.
Sunggyu never quite moved on from Hoya either.
That last time was less than a week ago before the Epic Quarrel. Hoya was tired, and quite visibly so, with the eyebags below his bloodshot eyes. Neither Sunggyu nor Woohyun were expecting him back at that time, after all, it was in the middle of the afternoon, and the other members were all out for different schedules. Both of them were in various states of undress on the couch. Hoya just saw a lot of skin before he looked away, but it was already obvious what they were up to.
“Just carry on, I’ll be in my room.” Hoya deadpanned, and didn’t waste any time lingering. There was nothing he was interested in seeing anyway.
Five minutes later, Sunggyu was knocking on his door.
Hoya did what anyone would do at that point-feign sleep. It was just that Sunggyu’s knocking was relentless. He just kept repeating Hoya’s name and asking him to open the door. Hoya covered his head with his pillow.
That was until Sunggyu said, “Hoya, please. Let me talk to you. Woohyun already left.” He sounded defeated by this time, and Hoya desperately wanted to get up and open the door. Except, what good would it be? It wasn’t like Hoya had anything to say. So Hoya shut his eyes tightly and willed himself to sleep. He didn’t hear Sunggyu’s voice anymore so he figured Sunggyu had given up.
Hoya woke up to Sungjong standing by his bed and holding a slip of paper to him.
“Care to explain?”
“Huh?” was all Hoya could manage.
Sungjong waved the slip of paper in his face. “This.”
Hoya frowned, and rubbed his eyes as he took it from Sungjong.
‘Hoya, you need to hear me out. Please.’ The handwriting was recognizable, and even if it wasn’t so, it didn’t take a genius to figure out who wrote it.
Sungjong was still staring at him.
“Um.”
“Hyung.”
Sometimes Sungjong was way too scary for someone that cute and pretty. But Hoya had nothing to say. He never had anything to say. So Hoya looked away from Sungjong, and buried his face back in his pillow. “Sleep.”
Sungjong nagged at him about “escaping” and “denial” for a bit, but nothing went into his head.
The next time Hoya and Sunggyu came face-to-face, Hoya was running late for a shooting schedule, but that pleading look on Sunggyu’s face was more than enough to haunt him for days.
Until it finally happened. And everyone could honestly say they saw it coming with the amount of tension amongst the three of them.
---
Hoya looks at Sunggyu, who’s looking back with a helpless expression. And Sunggyu never looks helpless. He’s always been the strong one, the one who picks them up, the one who tells them everything will be alright, the one who tells Hoya everything will be alright. Then the tears are stinging again, and Hoya’s left frozen in the spot.
Sunggyu gets on his hands and crawls towards Hoya, then plops his butt next to him, and puts his arms around him. That is all it takes for Hoya to break down. It isn’t raining this time, but Hoya cries hard enough to compensate. Sunggyu presses on Hoya’s head, and kisses his hair lightly.
Hoya buries his face in the familiar crook of Sunggyu’s neck, tries to breathe in his scent but chokes on his sobs instead. So Hoya decides to focus on Sunggyu’s strong arms around him, his fingers pressing into the back of his head, and the warmth he is radiating into Hoya. He hasn’t even realized just how much he has missed Sunggyu. The tears won’t stop, but Hoya thinks it’s reasonable. He’s kept them for too long, hidden his feelings for way too long.
Sunggyu just holds him, and lets him cry. It’s like the day that started it all, all over again. Except Hoya needs to take the chance to make it right this time.
When his sobs start subsiding, Sunggyu tilts his chin up gently, then leans forward and nuzzles his nose. Hoya sniffs softly, then leans into Sunggyu and presses his lips to his tentatively. Sunggyu smiles, cups the back of Hoya’s head and kisses back.
It starts slow at first, both of them learning each other afresh after so long, then they are kissing each other hard, making up for all the time they’ve lost. It is a lot like the first time again, when they were desperate and just wanted to feel each other. Sunggyu runs his hands all around Hoya’s back, feeling the large expanse of it and missing how good it felt under his fingers, and Hoya latches onto Sunggyu’s shoulders, squeezing them tightly so he can’t leave. Sunggyu is taking charge, his tongue everywhere in Hoya’s mouth, pressing deeper, then he’s just breathing him in, like he hasn’t for so long.
It’s Hoya who pulls away eventually. He presses his forehead on Sunggyu’s, catches his breath, before chancing a glance at him. Sunggyu is gazing back, his expression is soft, longing, and Hoya knows they both want the same thing. He wishes they can have it, but there’s that obstacle called Nam Woohyun. Hoya doesn’t blame him. Woohyun knew what he wanted and went for it. Hoya was the one who just stood by and watched it unfold. So Hoya blames himself. He always has. Seeing Sunggyu like this in front of him makes him blame himself more. They could have had so much.
“I’m sorry, hyung.”
“I’m sorry too, Hoya.” Sunggyu hugs him again, hugs him so tightly Hoya thinks he’s going to suffocate.
They end up falling asleep with their arms around one another.
Hoya wakes up with his face buried in Sunggyu’s neck. The birds are chirping and the sun has risen completely, that’s how he knows they’re late. He sits up with a jerk, panics for the third time in less than 12 hours, and hits Sunggyu’s chest.
“Hyung! Wake up!”
Sunggyu stirs but doesn’t wake.
Hoya sighs, unable to stop the smile creeping onto his face, then he leans towards Sunggyu and kisses his cheek. “Hyung, wake up.”
Sunggyu groans in reply this time, flinging his arms around Hoya and clinging to him.
Hoya smiles a little wider. “Hyung, please, it’s late.”
Sunggyu whines loudly before sitting up. He opens his eyes reluctantly, although Hoya can’t exactly tell if he really opens them because his eyes are slits when he’s sleepy, and blinks at Hoya.
“Race you down the slide, hyung!” Hoya grins and is off before Sunggyu can react. He ends up standing at the bottom of the slide for five minutes before Sunggyu finally comes sliding down. Hoya holds his hand out to him, and Sunggyu takes it.
When Hoya pulls him up, Sunggyu just pounces onto him and kisses him.
(Part 2)