IMB/IBB 2013: Then I Can Fall (2/2)
Title: Then I Can Fall
Pairing/Focus: Sunggyu/Hoya, Sunggyu/Hoya/Woohyun
Rating: R
Word Count: 10,528
Summary: Hoya once dreamed of a beautiful future with Sunggyu, but when Woohyun takes him away, Hoya just watches. And waits.
(Part 2)
I could breathe, if you would stay here another song
Then I could stay
The flush on their cheeks have long faded by the time they return to the dorm. What they aren’t expecting is Woohyun standing on the other side of the door when they open it. Sunggyu purses his lips as Woohyun stares at him. Hoya watches Woohyun watching Sunggyu, and holds back the sigh that threatens to spill.
Woohyun gets tired of the staring game first, and tries to push past them as he steps out the door. Sunggyu seems to hesitate for a moment, then he grabs Woohyun’s arm and stops him before he can go any further.
“We need to talk.” Sunggyu says. “Again.”
Woohyun turns back to glare at Sunggyu, then at Hoya.
Hoya tries to excuse himself quietly but Woohyun snaps. Hoya doesn’t catch what he says, and responds with a weak “huh?” as Sunggyu remains silent.
Woohyun doesn’t repeat, just stares Hoya into submission. Hoya doesn’t say anything anymore. He knows it will come to this one day. It is bound to. Now that he has confirmed Sunggyu’s feelings for him, he knows there is no way this can end well for all three of them.
They end up on the rooftop because it’s a free day and the rest of the members are either out or going out or may be coming back anytime. The roof has always been a quiet hideout for Sunggyu, not that he thinks anyone knows, but apparently Woohyun does. It makes sense too. Woohyun is, after all, his boyfriend and his best friend.
The silence is awkward but not unwelcome, as none of them look forward to what is coming. In the end, it’s the instigator who speaks first.
Woohyun looks at Sunggyu, who meets him square in the eye. Hoya feels uncomfortable.
“Did you tell him, then?”
Sunggyu keeps a poker face. “Tell him what?” His tone is cold, not entirely unfeeling, but cold. It sends chills down Hoya’s spine for reasons unknown.
“How much you pined for him this entire time you’ve been with me.”
The frown disappears from Hoya’s face as fast as it had appeared. He keeps his gaze on Sunggyu, who glances over at him fleetingly.
Sunggyu says nothing, but this only seems to prompt Woohyun to continue.
“How about the times you call his name instead of mine.”
Sunggyu glowers at Woohyun. “That’s enough.”
“No, hyung, that’s not enough. All I ever was to you was a substitute.”
“That’s not true.”
“Not true? How is that-”
“Do you really think after all this time I feel nothing for you at all? Do you really think that you’re just someone for me to project my feelings for him onto? If you think that’s all you are to me, then maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.”
“Yes, Sunggyu, I don’t. I clearly don’t. I don’t know what goes through your mind. I don’t know why you chose to be with me. I don’t know what is true out of everything you told me. I don’t know anything anymore, hyung.”
Hoya desperately wants to leave.
“I love you, Woohyun, and I don’t know how many times I’ve told you that, but I meant it every single time. I never lied about my feelings for you. Not even once.”
“Then why? If you truly love me then why is Hoya in this? If you love me then why are you still in love with him?” Woohyun’s voice is escalating, and the anger in his eyes scares Hoya just a little.
“It’s just that I never really stopped loving him even after all these. There’s this part of my heart that’s still ridiculously in love with him, a part that I’ve been trying to get over but I can’t. And I need him too. Like I need you, Woohyun. I want you. But I can never fully have you until I know he’s okay with it. I don’t expect you to understand-”
“Well, good, because I really don’t.. But it’s okay. It’s just like I don’t expect you to understand how much it fucking hurts when we’re together but you always act like you did something wrong when he sees us together. I thought I could put up with this, hyung, because I love you so much. But it never got better. It was obvious how you were pining for him when he wasn’t around, and even my presence wasn’t doing you much good. Maybe he’s the one you truly love, hyung, you just got used to having me. So maybe it’s time I let you go and you both can ride into the sunset and live happily ever after.”
Hoya supposes if he just very quietly steps away, none of them might notice. That would have been what he does, except his legs are rooted to the ground for some reason.
Sunggyu looks really frustrated, and Hoya doesn’t blame him. He can see where Woohyun is coming from. And to be completely honest, Hoya can’t really understand Sunggyu’s point of view either. He just chooses to accept it. After all, it isn’t like he cannot tell that Sunggyu is definitely still as in love with him as he has always been. It is just that he didn’t want to face up to the fact before. But Hoya is done with the denial now. And Sunggyu is done with the pretense.
“Like I said, Hyun, I don’t expect you to understand. But at least hear me out? I know it’s hard to even think about how one person can be in love with two people, I don’t understand either. I never thought it would happen. I thought it was going to be simple. I thought I could just forget about Hoya, move on, and be happy with just you. I couldn’t, okay? It took me a while to realize, but now I know that I can’t just have one of you and be truly happy knowing that the other is hurting. I don’t expect you to accept it either, Hyun. But this is what my heart decided on. I love both of you. I won’t give up one of you for the other. So if you give up on me then I would choose to not have him either. I love him, but I love you too. If this is really what has to happen, then I’d give the both of you up. Maybe you both will find someone else whose love you won’t have to share.” Sunggyu’s gaze darts between Woohyun and Hoya.
Hoya meets it, and notices just how tired Sunggyu looks now. He doesn’t say anything in response and just nods. He already knows that is how it is going to be. He knows Sunggyu will never choose one of them over the other. That wouldn’t be Sunggyu. He knows Sunggyu fell in love with Woohyun along the way. And Hoya has never been the type who’d sacrifice another man’s happiness for his own. That is, also, the reason why they are standing here now.
Woohyun says nothing still. Sunggyu and Hoya stand in silence.
Then Sunggyu finally reaches for Woohyun’s hand. Woohyun doesn’t resist. “Hyun, I won’t force you into making a decision. I know it’s hard for you. It all is for all of us. Just... talk to me when you’re ready.”
Woohyun turns away before nodding. Hoya supposes it is a positive sign, at least, that he doesn’t lash out again.
---
The next couple of days pass without anything more than curt nods between Sunggyu and Woohyun. Hoya has also gone out of his way to avoid both of them even though all he wanted was to sleep his days away now that he has time. Hoya just waits, since he has no say in anything after all. Besides, it isn’t like he hasn’t been waiting for the longest time. He is used to it.
Hoya gets a phone call from Sunggyu the third night. He sounds like he’s been crying, so Hoya says, yes, he’ll head back to the dorm immediately.
The odds are still at the halfway point, Hoya thinks. Either they just had a big discussion and lots of screaming and yelling, which resulted in the crying, or Woohyun just flat out said no. Hoya feels like his heart is in his throat as he opens the door and steps into the dorm. It is unusually quiet. Or maybe it just feels that way because the mood is tense.
Hoya kicks his shoes to the side, and walks in, thinking he would find Sunggyu and Woohyun in the living room. They are nowhere to be seen, so Hoya goes to Woohyun’s tiny room. He doubts they would be in Sunggyu’s anyway.
Both of them are sitting on Woohyun’s bed, one at either end. It is... a little weird, to say the least. Then it takes a while to hit him that the room smells faintly of sex. Hoya purses his lips, not sure at all what to make of everything. If they made up then what about him? Sunggyu did say he wasn’t going to just have one of them.
Hoya stands in the doorway, staring at both of them blankly. Woohyun stares back for a moment, then he looks at Sunggyu, who gets up and walks over to Hoya, slides the door shut, glances at Woohyun, then reverts his gaze back onto to Hoya.
“You’ll go along with my decision, right?”
Hoya frowns, then starts to nod slowly.
Sunggyu nods too. “Okay, okay...” Sunggyu turns to look at Woohyun again, and Woohyun nods too.
Hoya is just completely confused by now. “Can someone tell me what is-” He doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Sunggyu grabs him by the shoulders and crashes their lips together without so much as a warning. Hoya tries to push away at first because what the fuck, but Sunggyu isn’t relenting and he isn’t letting him go at all. And Hoya knows full well how Sunggyu always gets what he wants. He eventually gives in because Sunggyu’s kisses have always been impossible to resist and it’s still that way now. It is just he’s really conscious of Woohyun watching them, and it makes Hoya nervous.
But like before, Sunggyu has a way of distracting Hoya. He winds his arms around Hoya gently, drawing him into a deep kiss. Hoya kisses him back, but stops before it can go any further.
Sunggyu pecks his lips quickly again and smiles slightly, then turns to Woohyun. “So?”
Woohyun shrugs. “Go ahead.”
“Excuse me but can someone tell me what exactly is going on here?” Hoya says, the frown having found its way back onto his face.
Sunggyu looks over at Woohyun. Woohyun sighs and takes his cue.
“I promised Gyu-hyung I’ll try. To share him with you. Or something like that. I’m still not sure what this is and how it’s supposed to work. But we love each other and... you love each other so... I’m not going to be so selfish to want him all to myself when I was the one who took him from you anyway. I’m giving it a month or two. If this doesn’t work out then, well, we’ll see.”
Hoya blinks.
“One day you will both love each other too.” Sunggyu pipes in.
Hoya and Woohyun both shoot him dry looks.
Sunggyu sighs loudly. “Already ganging up against me.”
“Clearly that’s the entire point, hyung.” Woohyun says with a slight smile.
Hoya raises his brows in amusement, not exactly understanding everything that is happening yet.
“Didn’t you say you have something you wanted to do, hyung? Get going then?”
“Oh,” Sunggyu nods at Woohyun, “Yeah. Okay then. I’ll... see you later.”
Woohyun nods and waves him off.
Hoya stands there like an idiot until Sunggyu drags him out of the room.
“What?” Hoya demands from Sunggyu as the leader finally stops outside of the room Hoya shares with Dongwoo.
Sunggyu shakes his head, then pulls Hoya into his own room before shutting the door behind him. “I just have to do something that I’ve wanted to for years and waited for so long to.”
Hoya is on the verge of yelling at Sunggyu, so he settles for a very irritated glare at him instead.
Sunggyu reaches for both of Hoya’s hands, and holds them in his as he steps closer. “Will you let me make love to you?”
Hoya’s breath catches, and for a moment he is so sure he is going to say yes, except when he opens his mouth, it’s “no”.
Sunggyu blinks, the expression on his face visibly hurt.
Hoya smiles gently, and squeezes Sunggyu’s hands. “It’s not that, hyung. I want you to but not now? I mean, you just had sex with Woohyun and... I don’t think...”
Sunggyu nods. “Fair enough. Let me take you out, then.”
“Sure, hyung.”
The leader pulls Hoya towards him into a firm embrace, and plants a lingering kiss on the corner of his lips, then just hugs him tightly. “I love you, Hoya, I really do. I’m sorry for everything.”
“It’s alright, hyung. I’m sorry too. Sorry I wasn’t brave enough back then.”
“I wasn’t either, and now you have to deal with the consequences.”
“Hyung, I’ve always been dealing with them.”
“... right.”
Hoya smiles and pulls away a little to gaze at Sunggyu, pressing a soft kiss to his nose. “It’ll all work out, hyung.”
Sunggyu nods again. He has never doubted everything Hoya says, and it isn’t going to be any different now.
---
It finally happens a week from that day. Woohyun isn’t home and Hoya returns to the dorm to find Sunggyu alone. He’s lounging on the couch, watching some documentary about leopards. Or is it cheetahs, Hoya doesn’t really notice. He has his eyes on Sunggyu, anyway.
Sunggyu beckons him over when he notices him, and makes way for Hoya on the couch by sitting up. Hoya sets his backpack down, and takes his headphones off.
“Hi hyung.”
“Why do you always talk to me like I’m a stranger?”
Hoya shrugs as he sits next to Sunggyu. “You are one.”
Sunggyu makes a face and pushes at Hoya’s arm.
Hoya laughs and Sunggyu quickly leans over to catch his lips in a kiss. Hoya stops laughing immediately, smiling instead and winding his arms around Sunggyu, kissing him back gently.
“Just like before,” Sunggyu mumbles against his lips.
Hoya just smiles and kisses him again to shut him up. He doesn’t think much of it at first, after all, they’ve been making out every opportunity they had throughout the entirety of the past week, and even Woohyun was rolling his eyes at how much they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Making up for lost time is Sunggyu’s excuse, and Woohyun understands. Hoya thinks he really does now because of the way he looks at Sunggyu when Sunggyu is looking at Hoya. Hoya understands too, that it’s pretty hard to not love Woohyun. He thinks he might too, with time, like what Sunggyu said.
Sunggyu snaps him out of his thoughts when he begins touching Hoya in places that Hoya has missed Sunggyu’s hands so much. Hoya doesn’t stop him, and Sunggyu keeps going. The leader starts dragging him towards his room when they begin pulling at each other’s shirts.
Hoya’s heart thumps a little louder in his ears, and he thinks it’ll jump out of his throat when Sunggyu backs him into the bed and pushes him down slowly.
“Will you let me make love to you now, Hoya?”
Hoya nods, and Sunggyu climbs over him, leaning forward to kiss him gently.
“Two years, Hoya, two years. You don’t know how much I wanted you.”
“Then stop talking and get on with it already.”
Sunggyu stares at Hoya for a moment then laughs.
Hoya looks at Sunggyu blankly, then grips his hair and pulls him down to crash their lips together. Sunggyu’s laugh evolves into a smile against Hoya’s lips, then it all escalates from there. They only break the kiss just to yank off each other’s shirts, and Sunggyu wastes no time undoing Hoya’s jeans. Lips mashed together forcefully, Hoya lets out soft moans as Sunggyu rubs his thigh on his crotch. He returns the favour by pushing the pants off Sunggyu’s butt, and by the time they have divested each other of the unnecessary articles of clothing, Sunggyu slows down, and sits on his heels between Hoya’s legs, just looking at him.
“Hyung, what...?”
“Catching up on the two years of not admiring your body.”
The bottle of lubricant that hits Sunggyu square in the forehead gets put to good use besides just for hitting him. Sunggyu appreciated the strawberry chocolate flavour although Hoya refuses to tell why he has such a flavour of lubricant in his room.
It’s a whole rush of emotions for both of them when Sunggyu finally enters Hoya, who cups the back of his neck and pulls him down into a deep kiss. He tells himself he can’t cry because he’s no longer that Lee Howon who keeps crying on Sunggyu’s shoulders, but he tears up anyway because he can have all he wants after all. Sunggyu, with him, together, the two of them. So maybe there’s Woohyun in the equation too but it’s okay. Like he says, it’ll work out some way.
Sunggyu frowns, and kisses his cheeks. “Am I hurting you?”
Hoya shakes his head, feeling ridiculously shy all of a sudden. The tears are spilling now, and Sunggyu kisses them, shushes him, and whispers in his ear that he won’t hurt him anymore. Hoya knows, he has always known.
When they come one after another, Hoya first, crying out Sunggyu’s name with tears on his face that are yet to dry, Sunggyu kisses him and holds him tightly, showering him with promises that they will always be together. Hoya smiles.
“I love you, hyung.”
“I love you too, Hoya.”
---
Love doesn’t always have to be a two-way thing, Hoya thinks, on the first night he shares a bed with both Sunggyu and Woohyun. They haven’t done anything besides making out, with Sunggyu between Woohyun and Hoya. Society has an embedded notion that love is something exclusive between two people. That’s why people in relationships are called couples. But there are no real boundaries for true love. It presents itself in different forms, and it doesn’t have to be prejudiced. So maybe Sunggyu’s love has to be split between two people. It doesn’t mean he has to love each of them less, it just means he has more love to go around, more space in his heart for both of them. Hoya doesn’t really care.
They’ve come a long way, and picked up someone on the way, but the destination is worth everything.
Hoya puts his arms around Sunggyu from the back and nuzzles the back of his neck, then he reaches a little further to hold Woohyun’s hand, and drifts off to sleep contentedly.