(no subject)
Who? Moony/Remus Lupin
What? The morning after.
When? After this; grownhp6words timeline.
Why? The sun has to rise sometime.
Author's Note: Again, for now, this is for mun information only.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones come marching in...again
They need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
It feels as if he's choking as he opens his eyes, and that's the first thing he's aware of. How hard it is to breathe. How everything keeps hurting despite the fact that he isn't moving at all. Something feels lodged in his throat as he tries to swallow, and it's then that he starts coughing. The sound echoes in the empty room, and it sounds so loud that Remus finally opens his eyes.
It's dark. There's sunlight filtering in because of the open door, but since the room has no windows he is mostly surrounded by darkness as he starts to sit up. His head is spinning. It hurts so bloody badly, and Merlin it's freezing.
The thoughts disappear in a second, though, as he swallows again and he becomes fully aware of the taste in his mouth. That taste that had felt so normal and natural at first, but now that he's awake it's making his stomach turn.
Blood.
No.
As his eyes adjust to the dark and he looks down at his hands, even if he cannot see it clearly because of how dark the room is he can see it. That dark shade covering his hands and up his arms. He can feel it on his body. He can feel it on his face.
No.
The word repeats itself in his head. Over and over, and over again. No. No, no, no.
But as he continues saying it, his mind doesn't latch onto it. Instead it's focused on something else.
The taste. It's there, in his mouth. It tastes so wonderful and so vile at the very same time that Remus feels his chest tighten as the air escapes his lungs, and his stomach twists violently inside him again.
Blood. There's blood all over.
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole...defense
Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story
"What did you do last night?"
The voice echoes in the same way his cough had done earlier, but it's a wonder he hears it at all because how loud his thoughts are. He tries to focus on the shadow that he hadn't realized had been there all along, but no matter how much he tries he cannot make out who it is. The voice sounds familiar, however; he's just feeling too sick right now to try and distinguish it and place a face to it.
"I don't know," Remus admits under his breath. This is a nightmare. It has to be a nightmare. He had been running, hadn't he? He had gone out with the Marauders, Maisie and Scorpius. He had been running with them. He had been safe. He had been taking the potion. Soon he will wake up back at home. He will be fine. He will be hurting, but he wouldn't be covered in blood.
This is wrong. It's all wrong, it has to be wrong, it has to be.
But then it hits him; that memory of running through the forest and hearing that twig snap. That's the last coherent thought, because everything else is a blank. Just a blank. Just like...
It's then, at that realization, that he can't keep his stomach down any longer.
That blank is just how it had been before the potion.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?
"You gave in."
The voice is so quiet now. Understanding. Disappointed. It's such a mixture that he can't quite figure out which one it is. Not that he's truly trying, because it's so hard to breathe. It's so hard to catch his breath, and he can smell the blood, and he can taste it and--
"You gave in. After everything, you just... You gave in."
"I didn't," Remus responds, panting, but there's no strength in his voice. There's just a desperation at trying to believe that lie, even if he knows better. How can he not know better when he's covered in blood, and who knows what else? "...I couldn't have. I took the potion, like I always do. I-- No, I couldn't have."
"Maybe it wasn't done right."
"No, it was perfect. It always is."
"Then?"
Remus falls silent then. He's shaking so much that, as he sits against the wall, he unconsciously wraps his arms around his knees to keep himself warm. "I don't know. I've been feeling...different, but I didn't-- I didn't mean to--"
But he knows better. The realization hits him again, and it takes all he has to stop heaving.
In time our soul untold
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
"This is wrong. This is so wrong." Even if he's aware of the blood on his fingers, he desperately rakes his fingers through his hair as he tries to make sense of things. He pulls at fistfuls because he needs to remember, but no matter how hard he's trying nothing makes sense. "It's wrong."
"No, this is right. You're finally not hiding anymore. This is the way it should be."
Remus looks up then, frowning deeply. He'd say no, except for the part that half his mind is screaming that yes, this is the way it should be. Even if he had already emptied his stomach, he feels satisfied. Even if he feels panicked, there's some part of him that feels content. Happy. Moony had finally gone hunting, and he had killed.
Happy and content, actually, don't even begin to cover it.
It just makes Remus feel even more sick.
"Who are you?" he asks instead, now focusing on the voice to figure out who it is and why it sounds so familiar. "Why are you here? Where am I?"
"Oh you know perfectly well where you are. And why I'm here." There's a small chuckle. "You even know who I am."
"I don't, actually."
"Trust me. You do."
The person stands and the lights come on. Remus flinches, his eyes so used to the dark now that the light blinds him, but after a minute or so he opens his eyes again to focus.
Except, when he does, he almost wishes the lights were off instead.
I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees
Remus is coughing, almost choking as he rolls over to his side, curling unconsciously into himself. His head is pounding, and the sunlight and the coughing makes the headache even stronger, but he can't stop. He can't breathe. His vision is distorted. Nothing makes sense.
It was a dream, he tells himself. It was a dream, only a dream.
When he's finally able to open his eyes, he finds himself no longer in that dark room, but in the main hallway of his parents' house. The same house where he had come to months ago, after going for Scorpius to Arizona. The same house where he had struggled to keep the wolf caged while he was in human form.
The same house where he had gotten bitten, so many years ago.
He's on the floor, close to the room where he used to transform when he was younger, and he's covered with a blanket that he's holding onto for dear life. He must have grabbed it after transforming back, he decides, and as much as he wants to keep holding onto it he can't hide whatever it is that's underneath. He knows that, so he sits up against the wall and tries to shakily catch his breath. It's the same spot where he had talked to Sirius when he had gone to keep the wolf contained, he suddenly remembers. It's also the same spot where he had talked to Fenrir in one of his nightmares. That's the thought that brings him back to reality, and he tentatively lets go of the blanket.
Blood. There's blood. There's so much blood all over.
So that hadn't been a dream. He still remembers the twig breaking, but he doesn't remember running away. He doesn't remember anything after that particular moment, and no matter how hard he tries to remember... There's nothing.
Blank.
Remus stares at himself long and hard until he mechanically stands up and walks towards the bathroom. Without waiting for the water to get warm, he steps into the shower and lets the water fall on him as he stares down at the drain. The water's red as the blood washes off of him, but he can't stop looking at it.
If everything he had dreamed before had been just that, a dream, what if that's what this is? he wonders hopefully. It could be, couldn't it? Just a dream...
Except, he knows better.
This is real. The cuts, and bite marks are all very real. Moony hadn't just been hunting and fighting one thing, and his body is proof of that. And it'd make sense, wouldn't it, after over forty years of not hunting and trying to keep control? That thought, of course, sends him spiraling out of control and it's a wonder he can keep standing from how dizzy he feels. Moony had hunted. Had it killed? And if it had, what had it killed?
His attention shifts, and Remus turns to look at his arm, and his side for the first time. At those gashes that don't look as if some animal had done it; it almost looks like if they had been done with something else. A weapon. Maybe they were just random cuts from loose branches, maybe he had fallen on some glass - he had broken through a window to get into the house, after all.
His mind keeps focusing on just a weapon, though. Had he attacked a person? Had that person tried to fight back? Merlin, what if he had infected someone? What if...
He has to remember what he did. He has to somehow remember, because the desperation, helplessness, grief and anger all hit him then, and a strangled scream of frustration is out before he can stop it. He yells, and he punches the wall, and he screams until he can't anymore. Until the sound reminds him of a howl, and makes him choke out a humorless, empty laugh.
Of course it sounds like a howl; what else would it sound like now?
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Twenty minutes later he's in his room, still at his parents' house, and he's sitting on the floor with his back against the bed. There's no more blood on him, he has used spare bandages to cover the deeper cuts, and now he's in a clean pair of pants and a simple short-sleeve shirt, but he still feels so filthy. He feels so very dirty.
Dirty half-breed.
Beast.
Dark creature.
That's what he is, isn't he?
Filthy. Merlin, he feels so filthy.
Remus closes his eyes, but he can't bring himself to climb on the bed to sleep. He can't bring himself to go back home, either. He needs to figure out what he did; he needs to know even if all he's coming up with is nothing. A never-ending blank where nothing makes sense.
Heh, he thinks, suddenly he highly doubts anything else really would make sense now.
What? The morning after.
When? After this; grownhp6words timeline.
Why? The sun has to rise sometime.
Author's Note: Again, for now, this is for mun information only.
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones come marching in...again
They need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
It feels as if he's choking as he opens his eyes, and that's the first thing he's aware of. How hard it is to breathe. How everything keeps hurting despite the fact that he isn't moving at all. Something feels lodged in his throat as he tries to swallow, and it's then that he starts coughing. The sound echoes in the empty room, and it sounds so loud that Remus finally opens his eyes.
It's dark. There's sunlight filtering in because of the open door, but since the room has no windows he is mostly surrounded by darkness as he starts to sit up. His head is spinning. It hurts so bloody badly, and Merlin it's freezing.
The thoughts disappear in a second, though, as he swallows again and he becomes fully aware of the taste in his mouth. That taste that had felt so normal and natural at first, but now that he's awake it's making his stomach turn.
Blood.
No.
As his eyes adjust to the dark and he looks down at his hands, even if he cannot see it clearly because of how dark the room is he can see it. That dark shade covering his hands and up his arms. He can feel it on his body. He can feel it on his face.
No.
The word repeats itself in his head. Over and over, and over again. No. No, no, no.
But as he continues saying it, his mind doesn't latch onto it. Instead it's focused on something else.
The taste. It's there, in his mouth. It tastes so wonderful and so vile at the very same time that Remus feels his chest tighten as the air escapes his lungs, and his stomach twists violently inside him again.
Blood. There's blood all over.
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole...defense
Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story
"What did you do last night?"
The voice echoes in the same way his cough had done earlier, but it's a wonder he hears it at all because how loud his thoughts are. He tries to focus on the shadow that he hadn't realized had been there all along, but no matter how much he tries he cannot make out who it is. The voice sounds familiar, however; he's just feeling too sick right now to try and distinguish it and place a face to it.
"I don't know," Remus admits under his breath. This is a nightmare. It has to be a nightmare. He had been running, hadn't he? He had gone out with the Marauders, Maisie and Scorpius. He had been running with them. He had been safe. He had been taking the potion. Soon he will wake up back at home. He will be fine. He will be hurting, but he wouldn't be covered in blood.
This is wrong. It's all wrong, it has to be wrong, it has to be.
But then it hits him; that memory of running through the forest and hearing that twig snap. That's the last coherent thought, because everything else is a blank. Just a blank. Just like...
It's then, at that realization, that he can't keep his stomach down any longer.
That blank is just how it had been before the potion.
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?
"You gave in."
The voice is so quiet now. Understanding. Disappointed. It's such a mixture that he can't quite figure out which one it is. Not that he's truly trying, because it's so hard to breathe. It's so hard to catch his breath, and he can smell the blood, and he can taste it and--
"You gave in. After everything, you just... You gave in."
"I didn't," Remus responds, panting, but there's no strength in his voice. There's just a desperation at trying to believe that lie, even if he knows better. How can he not know better when he's covered in blood, and who knows what else? "...I couldn't have. I took the potion, like I always do. I-- No, I couldn't have."
"Maybe it wasn't done right."
"No, it was perfect. It always is."
"Then?"
Remus falls silent then. He's shaking so much that, as he sits against the wall, he unconsciously wraps his arms around his knees to keep himself warm. "I don't know. I've been feeling...different, but I didn't-- I didn't mean to--"
But he knows better. The realization hits him again, and it takes all he has to stop heaving.
In time our soul untold
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
"This is wrong. This is so wrong." Even if he's aware of the blood on his fingers, he desperately rakes his fingers through his hair as he tries to make sense of things. He pulls at fistfuls because he needs to remember, but no matter how hard he's trying nothing makes sense. "It's wrong."
"No, this is right. You're finally not hiding anymore. This is the way it should be."
Remus looks up then, frowning deeply. He'd say no, except for the part that half his mind is screaming that yes, this is the way it should be. Even if he had already emptied his stomach, he feels satisfied. Even if he feels panicked, there's some part of him that feels content. Happy. Moony had finally gone hunting, and he had killed.
Happy and content, actually, don't even begin to cover it.
It just makes Remus feel even more sick.
"Who are you?" he asks instead, now focusing on the voice to figure out who it is and why it sounds so familiar. "Why are you here? Where am I?"
"Oh you know perfectly well where you are. And why I'm here." There's a small chuckle. "You even know who I am."
"I don't, actually."
"Trust me. You do."
The person stands and the lights come on. Remus flinches, his eyes so used to the dark now that the light blinds him, but after a minute or so he opens his eyes again to focus.
Except, when he does, he almost wishes the lights were off instead.
I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees
Remus is coughing, almost choking as he rolls over to his side, curling unconsciously into himself. His head is pounding, and the sunlight and the coughing makes the headache even stronger, but he can't stop. He can't breathe. His vision is distorted. Nothing makes sense.
It was a dream, he tells himself. It was a dream, only a dream.
When he's finally able to open his eyes, he finds himself no longer in that dark room, but in the main hallway of his parents' house. The same house where he had come to months ago, after going for Scorpius to Arizona. The same house where he had struggled to keep the wolf caged while he was in human form.
The same house where he had gotten bitten, so many years ago.
He's on the floor, close to the room where he used to transform when he was younger, and he's covered with a blanket that he's holding onto for dear life. He must have grabbed it after transforming back, he decides, and as much as he wants to keep holding onto it he can't hide whatever it is that's underneath. He knows that, so he sits up against the wall and tries to shakily catch his breath. It's the same spot where he had talked to Sirius when he had gone to keep the wolf contained, he suddenly remembers. It's also the same spot where he had talked to Fenrir in one of his nightmares. That's the thought that brings him back to reality, and he tentatively lets go of the blanket.
Blood. There's blood. There's so much blood all over.
So that hadn't been a dream. He still remembers the twig breaking, but he doesn't remember running away. He doesn't remember anything after that particular moment, and no matter how hard he tries to remember... There's nothing.
Blank.
Remus stares at himself long and hard until he mechanically stands up and walks towards the bathroom. Without waiting for the water to get warm, he steps into the shower and lets the water fall on him as he stares down at the drain. The water's red as the blood washes off of him, but he can't stop looking at it.
If everything he had dreamed before had been just that, a dream, what if that's what this is? he wonders hopefully. It could be, couldn't it? Just a dream...
Except, he knows better.
This is real. The cuts, and bite marks are all very real. Moony hadn't just been hunting and fighting one thing, and his body is proof of that. And it'd make sense, wouldn't it, after over forty years of not hunting and trying to keep control? That thought, of course, sends him spiraling out of control and it's a wonder he can keep standing from how dizzy he feels. Moony had hunted. Had it killed? And if it had, what had it killed?
His attention shifts, and Remus turns to look at his arm, and his side for the first time. At those gashes that don't look as if some animal had done it; it almost looks like if they had been done with something else. A weapon. Maybe they were just random cuts from loose branches, maybe he had fallen on some glass - he had broken through a window to get into the house, after all.
His mind keeps focusing on just a weapon, though. Had he attacked a person? Had that person tried to fight back? Merlin, what if he had infected someone? What if...
He has to remember what he did. He has to somehow remember, because the desperation, helplessness, grief and anger all hit him then, and a strangled scream of frustration is out before he can stop it. He yells, and he punches the wall, and he screams until he can't anymore. Until the sound reminds him of a howl, and makes him choke out a humorless, empty laugh.
Of course it sounds like a howl; what else would it sound like now?
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Twenty minutes later he's in his room, still at his parents' house, and he's sitting on the floor with his back against the bed. There's no more blood on him, he has used spare bandages to cover the deeper cuts, and now he's in a clean pair of pants and a simple short-sleeve shirt, but he still feels so filthy. He feels so very dirty.
Dirty half-breed.
Beast.
Dark creature.
That's what he is, isn't he?
Filthy. Merlin, he feels so filthy.
Remus closes his eyes, but he can't bring himself to climb on the bed to sleep. He can't bring himself to go back home, either. He needs to figure out what he did; he needs to know even if all he's coming up with is nothing. A never-ending blank where nothing makes sense.
Heh, he thinks, suddenly he highly doubts anything else really would make sense now.