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[smoothzeta69]

Hello, I just joined this community and I have an itch to write this Wilson centric character study. I'm just starting it, but I'm writing it in second person because I haven't tried that out and I want to take some more risks with my writing. I'm just looking for concrit right now, even though I could use a beta

Comments

[chase_austenfan]

The tenses seem to change from past to present. I think that if they were all the same it would flow better.

You select one at random, plucking the smooth golden ring out of it’s home. Spin it absentmindedly, memories whirring from wherever they were hidden.I think that this might sound better with either "You" at the beginning of the second sentence or by linking the sentences with "and

[smoothzeta69]

Not meger advice at all!
The second person thing is really killing me right now, so just having someone else reading it will hlep tremendously. I do need to iron out that paragraph about the rings, it's quite hard to write and hard to read.
I think my largest problem is that I don't really know what to do with it. I mean I know that it's going to explore House and Wilsons realationship, but It's missing all of the stuff that makes it actually a story. Confict, plot. Minor things, really. Heh.
But if you are interested, that would be great. You're pretty much exactly what I'm looking for.
I guess I'd need your e-mail, no? Mine is SnakeXScandal13@yahoo.com My "real world' name is Christina. :)

[csense_ilinmn]

I thought Julie was wife number three; was she not?

We have canon references to three wives, with Julie as the current Mrs. Wilson at the beginning of the show.

[smoothzeta69]

You know, I think you're right. For some crazy reason I thought Wilson went through two wives during the show, and then I realized that that would be insane. Heh.

[genagirl]

I think your banter is right on target. It has the crisp snap of HL and RSL's timing and the just off-kilter way they speak to each other. The first part with the wedding rings is a bit rough but it would be easy to smooth. Banter is harder to fix but thankfully you don't have to!

[smoothzeta69]

The banter being on target was my larget concern. I can work on second person, but I'd just give up if I couldn't get the banter. Heh.

[axilotl]

The two parts of this show real promise. I particularly liked "Just another empty promise, like the one before it, and the one after."

Second person is such a reflective and descriptive way to write, that, like Chase_AustenFan, I'm not sure how smoothly that segways into the dialogue. I agree that more description of what is going on with Wilson would help, that way the contrast of the wistfulness of the second person against the jokey banter with House could set up a really nice tension.

Good luck and have you tried http://community.livejournal.com/housefic_beta/ for a beta?

[smoothzeta69]

Thanks for the words of wisdom! At this point, I must admit second person is a bitch. :)

[namasteyoga]

This may be just basic -- and perhaps you haven't formatted here because it's just a sample, but ... a space between every paragraph please. (Solid copy blocks are hard to read on the 'net.) And each line of dialogue is a new paragraph. So ..

“Are you crying?” It’s House. You snort, and sit on the bed, loosening your tie with your free hand.

“No.”

“You really should. Let it all out. It helps.”

“Like you would know anything about that.”

“Not fair! I have feelings. “

“Throwing a hissy fit because The L-Word is cancelled is not technically the same as ‘Letting it all out.’”

“It’s not why you do it, Jimmy. It’s how it makes you feel.”

Oh, and watch the use of "Jimmy." It's been used three times in three seasons on the show, and fanfic writers have tended to use it as an all-too-frequent crutch ever since.

[smoothzeta69]

Totally feel you about formatting; I do normally do it, just totally forgot about it with the sample.
You know, I often wondered about the use of Jimmy. I know he's said it, but I have read fics were it really becomes too much, I just couldn't see anything else being used. :)