The inevitable progression: 1. I am going to make a snowman! 2. This is not working, I am going to make a snow something else. 3. This is not working, I am going to make a snow penis. 4. This is not working, I am just going to pick up this snow penis and hurl it at someone to amuse myself.

Sunday I ate delicious food, had good conversation, went to a casino, played slots while the people around me got progressively more drunk and gambled, and slept in a 4 star hotel . Monday I ate delicious food, had good conversation, painted a wall dried blood red, watched Venture Brothers and played with bunnies while the folks around me did hits ( Read more... )

I met a superhero recently! To the untrained eye, she appears to be a disheveled and possibly homeless woman. But in truth, she is "The Proprietor!". You see, she walks into a store, grabs something off the shelf, and walks out without paying. When confronted, she shouts "I'm the proprietor! I own this place!" She can do this anywhere, because her ( Read more... )

I just want everyone who celebrated St. Patricks day to think about my poor snakes, whom every year watch the St. Patricks day coverage, and weep tiny little snake tears over the injustices done to them. Have you ever had to comfort a mournful florida kingsnake? Stared into the accusing eyes of a ball python? I thought not ( Read more... )

Go to urbandictionary.com & look up your first name. Post your definitions in the comments below: "Devin" (all in all, I found these surprisingly accurate ( Read more... )

"Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura" is the most amazing show I have ever seen. It's as if "America's Most Wanted" stopped doing bad reenactments of crimes and started doing bad reenactments of whatever the guy on the bus wearing a diaper as a hat believes to be true. All narrated by Jesse Ventura, who is VERY concer...ned to hear our baby food ( Read more... )

Just so everyone is clear on this - A snuggie is a broken robe. Or an overpriced hospital gown. Take your pick ( Read more... )

RIP my beautiful mustache - it was in grave danger of going from ironic mustache to actual mustache, and had to be destroyed. Plus, I just made a killing selling individual hairs as an aphrodisiac on the Chinese black market ( Read more... )

Is it wrong to refer to women and men as "Innies" and "outies"? (Facebook asked me what was on my mind! What am I supposed to do, lie ( Read more... )

They are canceling Reading Rainbow! I do not approve ( Read more... )