Raven to Professor Stephen Maturin, extremely heavily warded in triplicate
[morning after drunken!owls]
Dear Stephen,
There are no words for me even to begin this letter that are adequate. All I have is 'I'm sorry.' I am, more than I have ever been in my whole life. I have no excuses for my actions, and can only say that so long as I live I will never forgive myself for what I did. You tried to protect me and keep me safe, at the price of your happiness and well being and my actions were inexcusable. I may only have told Lily, and may have did it because I did need someone to tell, but I know that in that state I barely remember what I did and likely could have told the world. I never wanted that, not that it means anything, I intended never to tell one soul about this, to keep it strictly between you and I forever.
I considered leaving, but I know that it is the coward's way out of what I did and God, I could never do it. Lily offered to be Obliviated, but I can't let her do that, have magic used on her memories. I know she will not tell, although it is likely a small comfort to you. I can, and will, withdraw from Potions if it is necessary. I know I can act just as I have before it you'll allow me to stay.
Stephen, I don't want to be like this, asking and telling what I can avoid. It's pathetic and vaguely manipulating in a 'oh, I'm crying for you to come and stop me.' I don't want that, because this never has to be your move ever again. I want to make it right, but everything within me fears that I've wrecked this beyond repair. You once said I deserved more, but now it is clear to me I never even deserved this. You asked me to trust you, I failed. You asked me to play the role, and I failed. I'm so sorry I failed you, the last thing in the world I ever wanted to do was have you be disappointed in me. I wanted you to be proud of me, I wanted to be your strong girl, and I failed. I'm so sorry.
I love you. I'm sober and I'm saying it. Granted, it is on parchment, but if when you never speak to me again after this moment, I needed you to know it for certain. I was afraid to tell you for fear it would drive you off, but I did that anyway, so telling you can't hurt.
I am so sorry, truly.
Love,
Sarah
((Scene starts here, rated Rish for the smut.))
Dear Stephen,
There are no words for me even to begin this letter that are adequate. All I have is 'I'm sorry.' I am, more than I have ever been in my whole life. I have no excuses for my actions, and can only say that so long as I live I will never forgive myself for what I did. You tried to protect me and keep me safe, at the price of your happiness and well being and my actions were inexcusable. I may only have told Lily, and may have did it because I did need someone to tell, but I know that in that state I barely remember what I did and likely could have told the world. I never wanted that, not that it means anything, I intended never to tell one soul about this, to keep it strictly between you and I forever.
I considered leaving, but I know that it is the coward's way out of what I did and God, I could never do it. Lily offered to be Obliviated, but I can't let her do that, have magic used on her memories. I know she will not tell, although it is likely a small comfort to you. I can, and will, withdraw from Potions if it is necessary. I know I can act just as I have before it you'll allow me to stay.
Stephen, I don't want to be like this, asking and telling what I can avoid. It's pathetic and vaguely manipulating in a 'oh, I'm crying for you to come and stop me.' I don't want that, because this never has to be your move ever again. I want to make it right, but everything within me fears that I've wrecked this beyond repair. You once said I deserved more, but now it is clear to me I never even deserved this. You asked me to trust you, I failed. You asked me to play the role, and I failed. I'm so sorry I failed you, the last thing in the world I ever wanted to do was have you be disappointed in me. I wanted you to be proud of me, I wanted to be your strong girl, and I failed. I'm so sorry.
I love you. I'm sober and I'm saying it. Granted, it is on parchment, but if when you never speak to me again after this moment, I needed you to know it for certain. I was afraid to tell you for fear it would drive you off, but I did that anyway, so telling you can't hurt.
I am so sorry, truly.
Love,
Sarah
((Scene starts here, rated Rish for the smut.))