The Hat marries people, yo. (Open to those who signed up)

[ugly_old_hat]

One bright Hogwarts morning, fliers with small, numbered Hat-shaped plastic tokens are sent out to a select group of students via house elf. “Your presence is required at an Awards Ceremony in the Great Hall tonight,” the flier states. “Attendance is mandatory. Formal dress is required. Prizes will be given

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[wright_phoenix]

Before Phoenix could yell "OBJECTION!", the elves nudged him toward the village. He didn't even know WHO he married. Not the best thing in the world.

[brenda_johnson]

Brenda was already in the tent when he arrived. Not Fritz?! Her lips pursed in displeasure, a look any of her squad back home would have correctly interpreted as 'do not approach.'

Dammit, her boyfriend had only just joined her here!

[wright_phoenix]

Phoenix got to his tent with no problems. He was mildly glad to see that at least his spouse was a woman. He heard that someone ended up marrying the antichrist or something.

"Um...Hi! I'm sorry about this, I don't even know you."

[brenda_johnson]

Heavy exhale. Another bad sign. She forced a tight smile and offered her hand.

"Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson, LAPD. Currently in Gryffindor." She looked around the tent. "Or I was."

[hellminxmel]

Maia wore her best dress for this.

She feels utterly cheated that she did not get an award. She hadn't expected one, because she'd seen that little brat Sanchez flouncing into the hall. But still. You know. Best dress, ceremony--like the HORNS awards.

She did attempt to leave, but all that came of it was an itching sensation and her dress smoking. So Maia is grumpily at the tent, listening grimly to her iPod, and flicking her token at the wall.

She really hopes some hot guy will turn out to be her 'husband'. Maia could use some consummation right now.

[tako_time]

Consummation she was not going to get. Tako would need a map, a GPS unit, and possibly a native guide to even begin to figure out what would even be involved in the process.

What she gets instead is an octopus thrown screaming into the hot tub next to the tent. "OhGodohGodOHGODHOTHOTHOT!" Tako screamed as he crawled out of the tub. Was this how they treated internet personalities here? What service! Tako was going to complain to the person in charge. As soon as he figured out who that was.

"So," he said to his brand new bride. "How's it going?" Steam was still wafting off of his tentacles.

[hellminxmel]

Maia just kind of stays still, looking at the tentacles with a revolted expression on her face. She was never really into hentai, and this is such an insult.

'I think I need a cigarette,' is all she can manage at first, taking out her headphones. 'Or some nourishing soup. Hey, crawl into the hot tub again.'

[tako_time]

"I knew I was good, but I didn't knwo I was that good!" Tako gave her a wink and a tentacle-up. She needed a cigarette after only looking as him? Tako the Octopus: Lady Killer.

[lilypotter60]

What. The. Sodding. Hell.

In a daze - Merlin, she knew the Hat had gone mad, but really! This was ridiculous! - Lily wandered down to her tent, thankful that Steeler was waiting for her. Mr. Quackers ruffled his feathers imperiously and glowered at her.

Well, apparently she was...married?

Bloody hell, at least last time she got gifts.

[homsarhomsar]

Au contraire, mon pear: Homsar himself was the greatest gift of all, of course! And he came bearing a gift of his own: a brand-new Jenga set. The marriage had to be consummated, after all! He would have preferred a holy union with that rhinoceros, but...well, one takes what one can get. And Sirius's Arnie's other steady board game partner was not a bad catch at all.

Blibbling matter-of-factly into the tent, the Jenga set levitating in front of him, he announced, "DaaaAAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAA! I'm the ghost of Christmas paaaa-yust!"

He was sure Arnie had told Lily all about him, but he wasn't sure whether Arnie had covered this one last fact. And now that they were married, they would definitely have to get to know each other.

[lilypotter60]

"Hello, Professor Homsar," Lily replied politely. "Are you going round, checking the tents?" Perhaps she should do that, too. After all, she was a professor.

Wait. He'd brought Jenga.

For a second she just stared, then, slowly, started to laugh. "Oh. Oh. Um..." Holding one hand over her mouth as she tried to stop giggling, eyes dancing as she looked at her apparent new husband, Lily nodded. "Right. Well, I have no idea how I'm going to explain this to Sirius." Standing, she patted Homsar fondly on his bowler hat. "But I'm guessing you're trying to tell me that... Even if this isn't what we'd expected in the past, we should be thankful? Because it's a gift...somehow?"

Really, she should ask Sirius if there was a key or something for communicating with Homsar. "And you brought Jenga! Brilliant." Lily, having never completed a game of Jenga with Homsar, was unaware of its other potential. She only knew that Sirius quite enjoyed his game nights with Professor Homsar, and that when she and Sirius played, they had a

[homsarhomsar]

Awwwwwww, yeah, she had touched his bowler hat. Looks like Arnie had taught her a thing or two about foreplay! The hat vibrated slightly in response. Hey, he couldn't help it - it felt so goooooood!

He blibbled over to a nearby table and put the Jenga set down. He was already itching to get it on, but reminded himself that it was all in good time. It wouldn't do to jump right on in, not when they still had to get better acquainted with each other.

Jauntily, he blibbled back over to her, parking himself right in front of her toes. Looking up at her with a determined stare, he said, "DaaaAAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAA! I was raised by a cup of coffee!" He was quite sure she knew this already, but it would do to remind her that she would need to pay respects to her new mother-in-law at some point. And perhaps she would tell him a bit about her family background, too.

[tomowildcat]

"HEY! WHAT ABOUT MY AWARD?!?!"

Yes, forcibly married to a complete stranger, and this is what Tomo's hollering about.

The swarming house elves easily drag her away - but not before she manages to punt a couple of them for good measure. She actually gets one in a hot tub before they get smart and pick her up like ants carrying off a picnic.

[carlaespinosa]

By the time Carla got out to the tent, her brain had started working again. She'd just come down for a ceremony! Not to get married! Surely this was just a huge mistake.

Right?

Sitting down on the bed in the tent, mouth dropped open and quite confused, Carla just kind of...waited.

This was just freaking nuts.

[estebanmd]

Stephen did not take kindly to the jostling of elves. "Down, now, away with you. I have been apprehended by worse than you; I know very well how to go quietly, when the occasion befits it," he told them crossly. He'd been a prisoner of war before. He imagined this would be something similar. Over his time at Hogwarts he had seen the whims of the Sorting Hat, and expected nothing good to come of the present project. His own elf, Aloysius, found him among the throng and stayed by his side as a kind of neutral escort; after that, the other elves seemed satisfied that Stephen was being herded properly, and did not attempt to prod him

[carlaespinosa]

For a second, just one little second, Carla had hoped it would have been Cox coming in the door. Immediately, of course, she cursed herself for thinking it and pushed that thought as far away as possible. "Dr. Maturin," she smiled. "Er...yeah, since we're married, maybe you should just call me 'Carla'."

Laughing a little in disbelief, she looked around the tent. "At least I didn't get paired up with some of the, um, other choices." There were some freaks in this school, for real. "Is this usual? For the Hat to just randomly decide to marry people off? I mean, God, shouldn't there at least be the exchange of some cows or something?"

[estebanmd]

"Then you must call me Stephen," he returned. "I assume that given the modern times and the circumstances of the marriage you shall retain your surname