The Hat marries people, yo. (Open to those who signed up)

[ugly_old_hat]

One bright Hogwarts morning, fliers with small, numbered Hat-shaped plastic tokens are sent out to a select group of students via house elf. “Your presence is required at an Awards Ceremony in the Great Hall tonight,” the flier states. “Attendance is mandatory. Formal dress is required. Prizes will be given

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[estebanmd]

"Then you must call me Stephen," he returned. "I assume that given the modern times and the circumstances of the marriage you shall retain your surname."

Looking about the tent, he raised an eyebrow. "It would appear the interior of a wizarding tent quite outpaces the exterior. That at least is a pleasant surprise in this prison camp. We may as well make it homelike enough until this latest spate of schoolwide madness wears off. My dear Carla, I have been married and unmarried in just such a case already at Hogwarts, the first winter I was here; except in that case, the officiant was not the Hat itself, but a peculiar individual calling himself Kaibaman, who was, if I remember his self-styled title aright, a Dragon High Priest. The marriage was of course annulled, much to my relief. This may well be too." He paused and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "And if it is not, well, I count myself fortunate in my lot. If nothing else, it will ward off a certain, ah, category of persons I seem to attract." He might as well be candid with her. She was competent, he liked her, and now, it seemed, she was his wife.

[carlaespinosa]

Eyebrows raised, Carla let out a slow whistle. "All right. So, not so unusual. That must be what happened with Dr. Cox and that House guy." She didn't like House enough to give him the respected title of 'Doctor'.

She sank to the couch, pulling her legs up under her and looking around, taking in the tent's interior. "Yeah, this thing is huge. Which is nice. Not ideal, but better than it could be." No use complaining about it, really. Carla figured that she might as well look on the bright side. At least she was married to someone she liked even if it was the wrong bitchy doctor.

Oh? Now that sounded interesting. Nothing like good gossip to get her mind off of things. "What do you mean?" She grinned at him. "Are the rabid fangirls after you?" Teasing, of course.

[estebanmd]

Stephen snorted. "Rabid is one word for it. I have no notion what 'fangirl' might mean; if it means a girl of a certain age, older than seventeen but younger than five-and-twenty, then yes, that too."

[carlaespinosa]

Chuckling, Carla leaned back. "Yeah, that would be about it. Maybe it's a 'doctor' thing? Dr. Cox is forever dating the most inappropriate women."

Said, of course, without the slightest trace of bitterness.

"Don't worry. I'm, um, a couple of years older than that." Five. Shut up. "And I've very rarely been described as rabid."

[estebanmd]

To Stephen, it did not necessarily mean much that Carla referred to Perry as 'Dr Cox'. Stephen had sailed with men who after years and years of shared peril and work still called him 'the Doctor'. Nineteenth-century formality for the win.

"I had thought Perry to be wed, is he not? which would exclude 'dating' in the modern sense of the term; though perhaps then he has taken a mistress? It is not so uncommon," said Stephen, a bit ruefully, considering the mistresses he had taken at Hogwarts, and might have taken in his former life in England had he been given indication his advances were welcome. Modern women were rather more prone to throw themselves at him declare a willingness to become one's mistress.

"Oh, I would never have termed you rabid, literally or figuratively, sure. What I meant to say, clumsily I do fear, is that perhaps now that I have been given a bride by the Hat, I will be less prone to the propositions of such persons." It wasn't foolproof, given that he had taken mistresses while married, but it certainly improved his odds. "Might I add that the nature of said bride would surely add credence to the notion I need not look elsewhere?" he added, chivalrously. Just because he had no wish whatsoever to pursue Carla romantically did not mean he should give her the impression he did not believe her beautiful. Stephen had been married enough times to know that you always tell your wife she's beautiful.

[carlaespinosa]

"Oh, he's married all right," Carla snorted. This was a conversation best had while drinking. Luckily, the house-elves had been around Carla long enough to know that when she started talking about Cox's marriage, it was best to bring out the wine. An elf appeared with a tray bearing two glasses of red wine.

Carla, taking a sip from hers, sighed softly. Much better. "But he and Jordan don't exactly have the best relationship," she continued, her dislike of Jordan evident in her voice. "Well, actually, he claims to not be married now. But that's temporary. He and Jordan define on again, off again. And then, of course, he was married to Dr. House for a bit. And all of Dr. Cox's girlfriends are young and gorgeous and basically just bedwarmers until he inevitably runs back to Jordan again."

Taking another drink, she leaned forward slightly. "And the thing is, he chooses to be like this. He says, every time they break up, that this is the last time. And every time he goes running back, like some trained puppy. He even married a man for a while, for God's sake. And yet, where did he end up? Back with Jordan. It's disgusting."

Stephen's speech was clearly not from this century. It took Carla a minute to untangle what he was saying, to the best of her ability. And found herself wishing Cox were there; he seemed to get Stephen. Then again, if she was wishing for Cox's presence, she might as well go ahead and wish he was the one who had been holding her matched token. Whatever. No use thinking about that now. She grinned, "Oh, no, I get it. Hell, when I was younger, I used to wear a wedding ring when I went out to bars, so I didn't get hit on. If you have problems with inappropriate women throwing themselves at you, you just tell them your wife is a jealous Latina who will break them if they try anything." She was not jealous, of course, just offering Stephen a handy way out.

Oh, and she was pretty sure that last bit was a compliment. Maybe. "Thank you," she beamed. "I think we both lucked out in this madhouse." Hey, just because he wasn't her type, didn't mean Carla wasn't fully aware how good she had it right now.

[estebanmd]

Stephen accepted the other glass, cocking an inquiring eyebrow at Aloysius, who gave no hint of an answer. Stephen knew his elf was privy to the murmurings of the house-elf gossip network -- indeed, Stephen relied on it, and on Aloysius's sharing of such snippets -- but there were matters of which the elf did not bother to keep his master apprised, since Stephen had expressed no interest therein. Rumors of dissension between Kojiro and the Sorting Hat: of interest to Stephen. The ebb and flow of Perry Cox's love life: not of interest to Stephen, other than for pure entertainment, and therefore not something upon which he would set an elf to gather intelligence.

"That kind of relationship," said Stephen, after listening to Carla's tale of Jordan and the leash she seemed to have on Perry, "that kind of relationship is one of which I may say I have some sad experience." His first wife, Diana Villiers, had been much of the same stripe. "To resist a woman who is both beautiful and cruel may task beyond bearing especially those men who are of a finely calibrated intellect; who can be thrown off kilter, as they say, the more easily; and such a woman would delight all the more in her conquest having felled a man of that type, for there is little victory in the dumb submission of brutes. And yet when such a woman sets herself to charm, there is little to be found in all the world so worthy of worship ..."

Yes, he was still in love with his bitchy dead wife, why do you ask?

"No drug can deafen the ear to her siren call. Though I am sure others might liken it more to that of a harpy, sure," he conceded, for Carla's sake. The nurse clearly had some attachment to Perry if her choler against Jordan were any indication. "I am sure, too, that his friends would find his plight disgusting, as you say." Stephen knew the looks of pity all too well. His own friends -- dear Sir Joseph, dear Sophie, dear dear Jack -- wishing Stephen happiness, had not looked kindly upon Diana's gougings into his heart.

"Yet I am amazed I was not invited to this wedding of his with Dr House! I had thought Perry to be a friend." Now he spoke tongue-in-cheek, most obviously. "I should have thought they would find happiness together, made for one another as they are!"