opiate of the masses

[mr_vera]

Jayne had figured out pretty quickly that there wasn't much market for smuggling or shootin' stuff around these parts. But a man had to make a living somehow, and he figured Shepherd Book had a pretty cushy job. So with that in mind, he'd sent a letter off to someplace called The Universal Life Church and gotten himself ordained as a minister.

Comments

Owl to Jayne

[ugly_imp]

Reverend,

If you truly do offer free spiritual advice, I have need of some. I've committed a fairly major sin, the result of which has me a bit confused. I would appreciate the chance to talk at your earliest convenience.

Regards,
Tyrion Lannister
Slytherin

Re: Owl to Jayne

[mr_vera]

Lannister -

Sure thing. Where do you wanna meet?

Oh and if the sin involved killin someone, lemme know if you want me to conduct the funeral. I charge by the hour.

- Rev. Jayne

Re: Owl to Jayne

[ugly_imp]

After sorting out the correct time and place, Tyrion was there at the appointed time. He shouldn't have been shocked that Jayne didn't resemble any sort of septon he'd ever met in his life. After all, this was Hogwarts.

Tyrion was uncharacteristically nervous. "So... how does this work?" he wanted to know. "Do I just... confess or what?"

[mr_vera]

Jayne had decided that bringing Vera with him might give the wrong impression - it didn't seem too Godly - but he'd stuck one of his dueling pistols in his back pocket, just in case. This Lannister guy didn't really look capable of killing anybody, but you never knew.

"I dunno, just say whatever you want," he said generously. "I won't tell nobody."

[rogue_nebari]

Chiana giggles when she sees the fliers. Oh, this is just too good. So she makes her way through the halls until she finds the empty classroom that Jayne is using and knocks, grinning wickedly as she enters. "So you're a priest now, huh? Is this one of those religions that makes you be celibate?"

[mr_vera]

Well, if it wasn't that gray gal who'd Floo'd in during his radio show. "Hey, Honeycheeks!" Jayne said cheerfully. "Celibate means you ain't sexin' anyone up, right? Nah, I ain't that spiritual."

[rogue_nebari]

"Good to know." Her grin widens. "I haven't been doing more than my usual amount of sinning lately--more's the pity--but I just had to come by and see who in their right mind would make you a holy man." She's teasing, of course.

[mr_vera]

"I dunno, I just sent my name into this church and they said I was a minister. They're probably all fēng kuáng de, but if it'll earn me some extra cash, I don't care." Jayne grinned.

((insane))

[first_shot]

*After hearing he'd been sorted into Hufflepuff, whatever that was, Han wanders out of the Sorting room only to be confronted with a flier announcing Reverend Jayne. He pauses for a moment and studies the name, placing it, after a moment, as the other smuggler he'd run into. Smirking he mutters* "A religious man? How'd he pull that off."

*Asking random passerby for directions Han manages to meander his way through the admittedly quite confusing halls of the castle, eventually ending outside the door he thinks is correct. Poking his head inside he spots Jayne and grins, entering the room* "A Reverend? How'd you pull that off?"

[mr_vera]

It was that guy who reminded Jayne of Mal. He grinned smugly. "Alls I had to do was send in my name to some church and they made me a minister. Nice, huh? Gives me a bit o' authority." He remembered how well the Alliance had treated Book (although he wasn't sure whether that was because Book was a Shepherd or for some other reason).

[first_shot]

*Han laughed and shook his head slightly* "Well Emperor's Black Bones, isn't that a kick?" *He glanced at Tyrion who actually appeared to maybe be here for the reasons listed on the flier and Chiana, who he kinda doubted was here for thos reasons* "Seems like a workable scheme."

[mr_vera]

"Well, I ain't made any money off it yet, but I'm hopin' to soon. Hey, I got one o' those duelin' pistols with me, you wanna see it?" Jayne actually did have a gun in his pocket, and was not just happy to see Han.

[toujours_sirius]

Sirius spotted Jayne's flier just outside the entrance to Slytherin. He certainly had no need to get married, nor a desire to do so. James had died a long time ago, and while Sirius was still grieving in many ways, he didn't want to discuss it with a bloke he didn't know very well. And, being a wizard, Sirius didn't really know a whole lot about this Muggle religion stuff, nor did he believe in it.

He did reckon, however, that he could use some advice. Specifically love advice. And anyway, from what he had seen so far, he liked Jayne and enjoyed his company. So, he decided to go seek him out.

He hoped, however, that Jayne's newfound religion didn't prevent him from throwing back a shot or two, because that was exactly what Sirius was planning on doing.

He walked around the school, looking for Jayne. Finally, he spotted him in an empty classroom.

"Hey, mate," he said as he entered the room. "Hadn't pegged you for the religious type, but congratulations all the same. So...." He lowered his voice. "You're giving advice out on...

[mr_vera]

Jayne had his feet up on the teacher's desk and was polishing the barrel of his dueling pistol on his shirt. He looked up when Sirius came in. "Hey... uh, Sirius, right? I wasn't really plannin' on bein' Mr. Know-It-All, but sure, I'll give ya some advice. Any weddings or funerals, though, you gotta pay."

[toujours_sirius]

"Yeah, that's me." Sirius pulled up a chair and sat backwards on it, so he was leaning forward on the back of the chair facing Jayne. Laughing, he said, "No weddings, and Merlin, let's hope there are no funerals. Just plain old 'I'm a pathetic bloke in love with a girl I can't have, so how do I stave it off' sort of advice. Which...I reckon is pretty much my entire question."

[mr_vera]

"Well, damn." Jayne thought about it. "I'd suggest you find yourself a whore instead, but there ain't none around here - except for that little guy's sister and I ain't so sure about her - and anyway, that won't keep ya goin' for very long." He thought about Mal and Inara. "Does she know you like her?"

[office_michael]

Oh, man, did Michael need advice. Molly Weasley had sent a hex his way, all because he was tolerant of gays and she was a total homophobe (or, at least, this was Michael's interpretation, which means that the exact opposite was the case), and now he was forced to talk in questions. Oh, and he was gay (or so Molly had convinced him

[mr_vera]

"Uh, whoa there, buddy!" Jayne held up his hands. "I don't hardly know you, and what I do know I don't much care for, and I ain't sly nohow. What th' hell happened to you, did some fella sex you up or what?" If so, whoever it was had truly wretched taste.

[office_michael]

Michael quickly strode all the way into the room and threw himself into a chair, plunging his hands into his hair in frustration. "Do you want to know what happened to me?" he said sarcastically. "Do you THINK I'm able to tell you when all I can do is speak in questions? Do I LOOK like I've been violated anally?"

He paused. "Do you think it would hurt to be violated anally?" His voice was more tentative. "Couldn't I just use Vaseline or something to alleviate the pain?"

It was best to know all the facts before plunging right in (or being plunged right into)!

[mr_vera]

Jayne started cracking up. "Oh man. So wait, you just realized that you're sly, and you want someone to break you in, is that it? 'Cos I ain't gonna do it, if that's what you're askin'. No way, nohow, buddy. That ain't what I signed up for when I got ordained." He wondered if Book had to deal with people begging him to take away their anal virginity. That guy must've been a saint.