Comments | hogwarts_hocus: opiate of the masses

mr_vera in hogwarts_hocus

opiate of the masses

Dec 04, 2006 23:54

Jayne had figured out pretty quickly that there wasn't much market for smuggling or shootin' stuff around these parts. But a man had to make a living somehow, and he figured Shepherd Book had a pretty cushy job. So with that in mind, he'd sent a letter off to someplace called The Universal Life Church and gotten himself ordained as a minister. ( Read more... )

han solo, owl, jayne cobb, rp, chiana, tyrion lannister

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office_michael December 5 2006, 04:29:44 UTC

Oh, man, did Michael need advice. Molly Weasley had sent a hex his way, all because he was tolerant of gays and she was a total homophobe (or, at least, this was Michael's interpretation, which means that the exact opposite was the case), and now he was forced to talk in questions. Oh, and he was gay (or so Molly had convinced him).

But this Jayne person was a reverend, and no one was more tolerant than reverends! And so it was that Michael decided to go find him and see if he could fix Michael's problems - or, failing that, recommend some places he could go to find a boyfriend. Didn't reverends know about these things, too? Michael sincerely hoped so.

After wandering around, he spied Jayne in an unused classroom.

Figuring he'd start off with a bit of a Bill Cosby/Fat Albert impersonation, he opened his mouth to say, "Hey hey hey!", but the effects of the curse caused it to come out all twisted.

"Hey? Hey? Hey?" The voice was right, but the intonation was all wrong. Michael frowned. This hex was messing up his comedy - and that was the worst part of all! "Um, so are you the reverend? Do you have advice about being gay? What should I do now that I'm newly queer? Can you remove the hex that made me this way? Do you want to have gay sex with me?"

Ugh, gay sex! Still, Michael was gay now, and he had to suck it up and put out if that's what was necessary!

mr_vera December 5 2006, 20:53:57 UTC

"Uh, whoa there, buddy!" Jayne held up his hands. "I don't hardly know you, and what I do know I don't much care for, and I ain't sly nohow. What th' hell happened to you, did some fella sex you up or what?" If so, whoever it was had truly wretched taste.

office_michael December 6 2006, 04:53:32 UTC

Michael quickly strode all the way into the room and threw himself into a chair, plunging his hands into his hair in frustration. "Do you want to know what happened to me?" he said sarcastically. "Do you THINK I'm able to tell you when all I can do is speak in questions? Do I LOOK like I've been violated anally?"

He paused. "Do you think it would hurt to be violated anally?" His voice was more tentative. "Couldn't I just use Vaseline or something to alleviate the pain?"

It was best to know all the facts before plunging right in (or being plunged right into)!

mr_vera December 6 2006, 05:07:30 UTC

Jayne started cracking up. "Oh man. So wait, you just realized that you're sly, and you want someone to break you in, is that it? 'Cos I ain't gonna do it, if that's what you're askin'. No way, nohow, buddy. That ain't what I signed up for when I got ordained." He wondered if Book had to deal with people begging him to take away their anal virginity. That guy must've been a saint.

office_michael December 6 2006, 06:09:07 UTC

Eyes wide and incredulous, Michael shook his head as if something made absolutely no sense and he was trying to clear it. "Bbbbbuuuuuuuhhhhhh!" he exclaimed as he shook his head, although the very end of his vocalization sloped upwards, as if he were asking a question.

"Sly? What does that even MEAN?" Again, there was a pause. "If you were to break me in, would you break me in gently? And if you won't do it, then...who will? Do you know anyone with a small penis, maybe?"

mr_vera December 6 2006, 06:16:42 UTC

"Sly means you like men 'stead of girls, you bèn dàn. And I said NO, I ain't gettin' nowhere near your nethers, and I don't know nobody who would! Well, actually..." Jayne was getting a cunning plan. "I do know this fella named Simon Tam that you might wanna ask about that. I think he'd be really into it. He'd treat you nice and gentle."

office_michael December 6 2006, 06:41:35 UTC

Now Michael was starting to wonder if Molly's hex had done something else to him, because part of what Jayne said seemed like complete nonsense. Once again, he found himself really wishing Dwight were there. He could set Dwight up in an empty classroom a temporary workspace, have him get to the bottom of this, and...

OH NO! Was Michael's desire for Dwight to be around a sign that he wanted to have anal sex with Dwight? Oh, GOD, that was the most disgusting thought ever! Michael would do Creed before Dwight, and that was saying a lot, because Creed smelled like homeless people.

Michael got up and started pacing. This was getting more and more disturbing. But at least there was a ray of hope: this Simon guy!

"So...he's got a small penis? He'd be careful? He...he would like a guy like me?"

mr_vera December 6 2006, 06:49:53 UTC

"Oh yeah. Real small." Jayne nodded sagely. He had never actually seen Simon's penis before, nor did he ever, ever want to, but it had to be pretty damn tiny. "And he'll be real gentle. He's a doctor, so he knows all about that stuff."

office_michael December 6 2006, 08:02:14 UTC

Michael felt a lot better. At least his anal virginity would be taken in a sterile, not-too-painful fashion. Knowing that he couldn't express his gratitude properly in a question, he simply nodded at Jayne and then dashed back to Slytherin to owl Simon...which really was the sort of thing Pam should be doing, but seeing as she was nowhere to be found, Michael had no choice but to do it himself.

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