At odds with quiet fires
At Odds With Quiet Fires #3
pg - 15 // Jonghyun/Taemin; Jonghyun/Yoona; Onew/Taemin // ~6k w
Jonghyun probably shouldn’t be kissing Yoona right now.
He probably shouldn’t be kissing her while his mind wanders. Regardless, she presses closer, hands gliding around his neck. When she pulls away from his lips briefly it’s to lever herself up and maneuver herself over the partition dividing the driver’s seat and the passenger’s seat. With a leg on either side of Jonghyun’s thighs pressed together she kneels on the seat then carefully sinks onto his lap, moving her head forward again to feel his lips against hers.
Jonghyun’s hands push her hair away from tickling his cheeks, keeps them to hold her hair away and she rolls her hips slightly along with the invasion of her tongue, sweet and almost shy when it pushes in to meet with his. One of Jonghyun’s hands finds the top of her thigh and he squeezes the softness into his palm, their breaths labored. He elicits a soft moan to resonate in the back of her throat as her hands drift to his chest.
He’s tasted her before, he’s wanted her just as much but unlike all of those times, tonight he finds himself lost. He likes the way her hands go flat against his chest, the way she generously tenders her lips for more of his, he likes her weight on top of him, crushing and warm, but he still finds himself fleeting elsewhere, back in his empty dorm room.
Because what he feels in his stomach isn’t a heap of butterflies. It’s a burn of desire rewarding him for what he knows he’s deserved for being patient with her. He’s never had her in his arms so undone, so ready and willing. Yoona would have stopped by now, she wouldn’t have straddled him if she wasn’t serious. She would slap his hand away from her thigh, from her hair if she didn’t want this. But the recognition of her submission leads him to believe that the reciprocation isn’t reaching its equilibrium because now that he’s thinking of his room, he finds himself imagining bright eyes, auburn hair and coconut mint.
And when his lips move against hers he sees that he’s no longer feeling Yoona. That he’s lying to himself now, blatantly. When she stretches back and offers him lands of skin from her creamy neck he kisses it blindly, peppering it with the sheer shine of his moistened lips but in his mind all he sees is Taemin stretching a hair band between his stringy fingers and reaching behind his head to tie his hair up. After cleaning his hair up Taemin will gather plates of ingredients and position himself beside the rice cooker, sitting himself down on the floor and plugging the wire in. Taemin adds the pyramids of sliced ingredients in by groups, stirring when they sizzle in the oil then he’ll add about a cup of water and by this time in the morning Jonghyun will stop pretending that he’s asleep. Jonghyun will fight the covers off him violently just to make a show of it and Taemin will look up from his cooking and pass him a smile that washes over his face.
Jonghyun doesn’t mean to be rough but when he holds Yoona by the arms and hauls her away she whimpers at the strength in his clutch.
He can’t even look her in the eye. “Sorry…”
“Jonghyun. What is is?”
“I just can’t.” Jonghyun exhales into his palms, completely distracted now. Yoona parts her lips to say something but her eyes are already watering slightly and her arms protectively wrap around her shoulders.
Jonghyun’s head lulls to the side and for a minute he thinks he’s imagining Taemin standing outside of the gates of the dorms, grimace bringing the corners of his lips down.
But then Taemin turns around slowly and jogs in the opposite direction of the entrance, gradually vanishing in the distance.
Yoona’s stare bounces from Taemin’s disappearing form to Jonghyun’s sullen expression and everything clicks in place but not in a way that clears up the sky, more of in a way that muddles her with confusion. “Jjong?”
Jonghyun has half a mind to catch up to Taemin and shake him by the shoulders, scream at him and ask him, “What are you doing to me, Taemin?!” but he can’t even find the strength to blink.
It was only yesterday when Taemin unmistakably voiced out his feelings and Jonghyun’s blood boils at the memory, the image of Taemin’s vulnerability sends his fury aflame. Because maybe.
Maybe. He finds it puzzlingly beautiful. ~o~
Jonghyun is pacing the room, his cell phone in his hand as he tries Taemin’s number again but to no avail. It’s almost midnight and Taemin still hasn’t appeared from the door.
Jonghyun is angry in every sense of the word. He’s angry because he has no fucking clue where Taemin is, who Taemin is with, if Taemin is safe. In the next few minutes he has managed to imagine every worse scenario possible. Like Taemin walking in on those four bullies yesterday.
Later in the night his frustration melts into worry. And just as he’s about to leave the room to ask Jinki and Kibum to help him search for Taemin the door opens and lo and behold, Taemin is alive, weakly making it into the apartment with his hair in his usual ponytail, his sleeves pulled up by the shoulders. Taemin blinks up at Jonghyun whose nostrils are flaring, eyebrows knitted; his grip on his phone, if increased even by just a crumb, would manage to smash the gadget into dust.
Taemin sets his gaze downcast, brushing accidentally against Jonghyun’s arm when he passes by to make it to his closet.
With their backs facing each other Jonghyun’s eyes close. “Where have you been?”
“Out.”
Jonghyun leaves his head to fall forward, hanging by his neck. Then he straightens up, exhaling heavily as he throws his cell phone on his bed. “Out where?”
“Just out.” Taemin offers a noncommittal shrug, collecting his clothes in his arms and pushing his closet closed with his foot.
And just as Taemin is about to walk past Jonghyun again to make it to the bathroom Jonghyun grabs him by the arm and pushes him back. Taemin stumbles with his foot and irritably faces Jonghyun with impatient, anticipating eyes through his messy fringe.
“I was calling and texting you for almost an hour. You couldn’t pick up even for just a second to tell me where you were?”
“I can take care of myself. You didn’t have to worry. Besides, you seemed occupied enough anyway since I saw you last. I thought you might have needed the room.” Taemin tries to walk forward again only to be blocked by Jonghyun’s chest.
“Regardless! You can’t just run out like that and not call me back! How do you think that makes me feel?”
“You’re not the only one who has feelings here, Jonghyun!” Taemin raises his voice a pitch higher than Jonghyun for the first time. “If you think you feel like shit then suffer. Because I can assure you that I feel a lot worse.”
“Stop it.” Jonghyun frustratingly rakes his fingers through his hair.
“Stop what?”
“That. What you’re saying. What you think you’re feeling-“
Taemin hitches his clothes to the nearest bed, vacating his hands and patting them flat on his chest. “You think I want this, Jonghyun? You think this is easy for me? If I could stop it, rest assured I would. In a motherfucking heart beat!” Taemin’s hands slide to hang loose by his sides as he hopelessly continues, eyes on the edge of the desk behind Jonghyun. “I wish that I could hate you just as much as I say I do.” Taemin sniffs.
“Just start hating me.” Jonghyun whispers huskily. Taemin looks down, blinking tears away and catching them with the collar of his shirt. “Hate me, Taemin. Because I’m never going to feel the same way.” What Jonghyun thought was that if he could just break Taemin and make Taemin believe that he isn’t worthy of anything then maybe he’d stop thinking about Taemin first thing in the morning. Maybe then, his curiosity about Taemin’s lips will fade. “Let’s face it. This, you and me. Never gonna happen. You should start hating me now. Because-because I hate you. I hate you so much I can’t stand it sometimes. I hate how pathetic you’ve become. How you think that you can make me forget about Yoona-I kind of feel sorry for you.”
Jonghyun’s had his share of hardships, his share of obstacles. He remembers standing in the middle of a tennis match in high school and although he didn’t exactly like tennis, he played because his classmates thought he was pretty good. It was matchpoint and Jonghyun was shaking in his tennis shoes.
In this scenario, so much can be compared but not more so than the painful thorn in his chest that prevents him from breathing properly. And it’s all because he’s fighting to keep his resolve in front of his opponent, Taemin. Taemin doesn’t even bother to hide his tears as they freefall down the curve of his cheeks. His eyes have gone red, creases around his forehead, lips in an unsullied grimace and Jonghyun realizes that where Taemin is standing right now, this location in the room is where they first stood during the first day of moving in. Jonghyun had just gotten out of the shower and Taemin is smiling at him with a row of teeth and thinned out pink lips, this immaculate happiness that Jonghyun thought Taemin would never run out of.
Never did he think that he would be the cause for breaking Taemin like this.
This time, when Taemin leaves and slams the door shut, Jonghyun doesn’t call or text.
He does, however, ruin the row of his books, the music sheets on his desk as his frustration runs wild. He throws stuff around until he’s exhausted, but even then he’s still thinking about Taemin. And he’s pretty sure he’ll be dreaming of Taemin too, and wake up with his smile fresh in his mind. ~o~
After half an hour of just staring at Taemin’s bed Jonghyun finally grabs an umbrella and walks out of the room, stepping over heaps of papers and pens that he messed up earlier.
The rain outside grows heavier as Jonghyun jogs around campus and tries to find Taemin. He runs around for about twenty minutes on the empty grounds, jumping into puddles once or twice. He doesn’t care. He’s running out of breath and the legs of his pants are damp.
It occurs to him that maybe Taemin went off campus and since calling him was out of the question Jonghyun walks in the direction of the pool. The emptiness leads him to walk a little further this time on the path towards Changmin’s café. He knows it’s probably a long shot but he can’t sleep until he finds Taemin.
On the walkway leading to the café Jonghyun notices a telephone booth lit up from the inside and a small figure hiding from the rain. He recognizes Taemin instantly, not even thinking twice about running towards the booth and standing outside of the door while Taemin pitifully blinks tears away, the rivulets on his cheeks dropping to his already wet shoes. Actually, Taemin was already dripping with water from the rain, probably from having wandered out on his own when the downpour arrived.
Jonghyun stands outside under his umbrella just watching Taemin and imagining him running around in the rain with nowhere in particular to go.
“Yah, Lee Taemin!” Jonghyun shouts through the millions of drops of rain surrounding them. “Have you gone crazy?”
“I know you hate me.” Taemin says to his hands, sniffing as he toys with the edges of his shirt. “But you can’t blame me for trying.” Taemin reaches from behind him and reveals a white plastic bag that was on the ground. Taemin opens the bag and pulls out a box of a miniature aquarium with colorful pebbles inside. “I couldn’t find a fish that you’d like.” Taemin explains lamely when he finally looks up. But the moment their eyes meet Taemin looks away again, placing the box back inside of the plastic. “I can’t do anything right, can I?”
It’s an obvious fact. Taemin bought that for him. For him especially. He didn’t by extra aquariums for Kibum or Jinki, he just bought one. And he knows it’s meant for him solely because he remembers telling Taemin before about how much he wants a pet. And with this simple knowledge Jonghyun finds himself dropping the umbrella in his hand and letting the rain wash over him.
He knows it isn’t possible to erase what he’s done and said to Taemin but perhaps the rain can rid him of what he’s done. Like being baptized and reborn again by allowing the rain to purge him of his sins. Jonghyun drop the umbrella and Taemin is staring at him now as Jonghyun goes from damp to full on wet.
And when Jonghyun shuffles inside the booth and crushes Taemin in a hug that isn’t restrained or vigilant in the least, Taemin cries even harder into Jonghyun’s shoulder. ~o~
After having changed into a set of dry clothes, Taemin in his usual two-sizes-too-big wife beaters and Jonghyun in his plain white shirt, Taemin takes the aquarium from out of the box and places the pebbles inside.
Jonghyun watches with increasing fascination as Taemin draws two clown fishes on a sheet of Oslo paper, colors it in shades of orange and black and cuts them out. He punctures the top fin with a paper hole puncher and ties a string to connect it to the surface of the aquarium’s lid. The big and small clown fish reminds Jonghyun of Finding Nemo. When he says this Taemin laughs and says, “That’s exactly the point.”
Taemin sits on his bed and Jonghyun surprises the both of them by walking over with a towel. The rain continues to pour down outside and Jonghyun asks, “Are you proud of me for remembering to close the sliding door this time?” to which Taemin just laughs and nods, his eyes filled with the familiar joy that lightens up Jonghyun’s mood.
Jonghyun sits on his calves and pulls Taemin in front of him to do the same. Jonghyun maneuvers the towel on Taemin’s head, catching the strands and wiping them dry. All the while it’s Taemin’s turn to observe him. From up close Jonghyun realizes that Yoona was right all along, Taemin did have long lashes to frame his round eyes.
It dawns on Jonghyun what the situation at hand is. He’s sitting face to face with Taemin, in one bed and the rain outside provides this staccato of acoustics accompanying Taemin’s breathing and Jonghyun, being a music major, decides that he’s never heard anything more breathtaking.
Jonghyun feels Taemin’s gaze grazing against his skin, the way it roams over the entirety of his face only to land back on his eyes and Jonghyun clenches his jaw to keep his mind from reeling. He knows that look. He knows what Taemin wants and he’s so afraid of the fact that maybe he’s reflecting the same look right now.
So Jonghyun rises on his knees to create some sort of distance. Taemin merely tilts his head up to keep his gaze where Jonghyun’s eyes are. He keeps on rubbing the towel against Taemin’s crown, concentrating on soaking up the water when really Taemin’s hair is already near dry. But if Jonghyun lets go now then there will be nothing else connecting them and for some reason that knowledge doesn’t do him any favors.
And then the feel of Taemin’s hands registers on him, a tidal wave of emotions crashing over him as Taemin holds onto Jonghyun’s sides, his thumbs stroking the fabric in between their skin. Jonghyun’s limbs go rigid, muscles tensing. His eyes trek back to Taemin’s and now he sees this eagerness, this secret language that Taemin speaks so fluently with simple blinks.
Jonghyun understands. He understands every word. He sits back down on his calves and somehow Taemin’s face is so much closer. Taemin trails a hand up to Jonghyun’s jaw; the softness of his palm against his skin sends electricity in every muscle of his body.
And he thinks that right about now he might die from being so overwhelmed, form his heart beating too fast that he just couldn’t keep up. Until Taemin slowly leans over his knees to get closer, and Jonghyun can only count the diminishing inches, centimeters, and soon there is no space between their lips.
The first touch creates a plethora of jolts to race through Jonghyun’s body, keeping him steady and just waiting, dying for Taemin to do more, to move more. But Taemin’s just as frightened and shaken up as he is. So Jonghyun takes the initiative, choosing to part his lips first and catch Taemin’s bottom lip, sucking lightly.
Taemin melts then, holding onto Jonghyun’s shoulders as Jonghyun reaches up to brush Taemin’s hair away. Unambiguously, Taemin mimics the motion on Jonghyun’s upper lip, pushing and rubbing, mewling when Jonghyun places his hand on Taemin’s nape to angle his head at something more comfortable.
There was really no thinking involved tonight, just pure admiration on Jonghyun’s part because Taemin is so kind and giving and everything that Jonghyun probably wants in his hands. He wants Taemin. This apprehension he can no longer deny. He’s wanted-has been wanting Taemin for quite some time now. And all of that anger, all of that distance fades away into flocks of butterflies forming in his stomach when he realizes how this is all actually happening.
And when Jonghyun presses Taemin down on the mattress without halting the kiss, Taemin complies, parting his thighs to fit Jonghyun in between. Once on top of Taemin, Jonghyun’s kisses turn hungry and vigorous, sliding his tongue in while his hand hikes up the hem of his wife beater to free Taemin’s stomach from the fabric.
Taemin doesn’t mind the pain, the marks that Jonghyun plans on leaving. And Jonghyun is addicted to the way Taemin says his name breathlessly and vaguely timid. ~o~
Taemin wakes up to the sound of Jonghyun falling to the floor from the bed. When Taemin peers over the edge of the bed indolently, Jonghyun is rubbing his back with one hand while leaning over the other. He squints at Taemin, mirroring the smile that the other offers him. “Morning.”
“Morning.” Taemin says back, not bothering to hide his blush when he realizes that Jonghyun is on the floor in only his pajamas, the morning light shining over his torso and chest flawlessly.
“Your bed’s too small.” Jonghyun explains when he sits up on the floor, patting his hand on the mattress.
Taemin eyes Jonghyun’s empty bed on the other side, untouched. “Maybe we should push them together.”
Taemin doesn’t understand at first why Jonghyun’s face reddens like a tomato. Until he replies with an embarrassed, “Didn’t we just do that last night?”
Taemin almost falls on the floor while laughing in his sheets, the tips of his ears turning. “I meant the beds.”
The first ten minutes of the morning they spend on moving the beds together to the center of the room. A lot of rearranging was performed-pushing and pulling of desks, chairs, the TV and whatnot. By the time Taemin and Jonghyun manage to fix the sheets on the joined twin beds Taemin is exhausted. He plops on the bed like a starfish, blowing his hair out of his face.
It’s a pleasant surprise when Jonghyun appears beside him and starts kissing him senseless again.
They brush their teeth together, hogging the sink and the mirror, and afterwards Taemin cooks them breakfast in bed. Jonghyun finishes about two bowls of soup. They huddle under the covers, wrestling and tangling in each other’s limbs. When they find themselves out of breath they sit on the bed shoulder to shoulder, leaning against the headboard. They take pictures of one another on Taemin’s digital camera and some of the both of them holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, and one of Jonghyun attempting to lick Taemin’s face.
Jonghyun’s phone rings from the dresser. He reaches for it, leaning over Taemin’s thighs and flipping his phone open. The caller lights up Yoona’s name and instantly, Taemin’s smile wipes off his face.
Jonghyun tugs Taemin’s wrist when he tries to get out of bed. He holds Taemin’s hand and answers the phone, talking and all smiles as Yoona greets him and asks him if he’s busy.
When Jonghyun drops the phone Taemin is still frowning, stare directed forward but at nothing in particular.
“My mom wants to have lunch with Yoona and me.” Jonghyun says with a small smile, wrapping an arm around Taemin’s slim waist. “Can I go?” he props his chin on Taemin’s shoulder, kissing the bell of his ear as he whispers his request.
Taemin doesn’t spare him a glance, nodding once just to show his approval.
Jonghyun hugs Taemin even tighter for a little bit.
“You should get ready.” Taemin suggests when Jonghyun doesn’t let go.
Jonghyun tries at a breathy laugh. “Okay. But lock the doors when I leave okay? I don’t wanna find Jinki in here trying to sweep you off your feet. I get very jealous.”
“I have no problem with telling Jinki about us.” Taemin says straightforwardly, pinning Jonghyun with an honest stare. Jonghyun lets go of Taemin then, his smile faltering.
“Don’t be stupid.” Jonghyun says, propping his elbows on his parted knees underneath the sheets. “Shit.” He says as if he’s finally seeing what’s happening. But it feels that way. The thought of seeing Yoona and his mom later after having slept with Taemin is kind of like him falling into reality after spending last night in a dream. “Oh shit.”
“Jjong.”
“I don’t know what do about this.” Jonghyun mumbles into his hands. He feels Taemin’s fingers raking through his hair, scooting closer.
“Don’t worry about anyone else. I don’t. What we have has got nothing to do with them. Jonghyun.” Taemin circles his other arm around Jonghyun’s stomach. “Jonghyun, I love you.”
While Taemin anticipates for a response Jonghyun stares at the sheets ahead of him, picturing possible outcomes for when he tells Yoona about this. When he tells his mom about Taemin. He screws his eyes shut. “Taemin, I’m not ready.” Jonghyun says. “I’m not ready to tell anyone about this.”
Taemin loosens his hold then, his face falling into a deep frown. Jonghyun holds onto his arm, pushing Taemin’s hair away from his face. “Can we just keep this between us? Just for now?”
Taemin sinks his face into his palms as Jonghyun strokes his hair, expectant. “This is so unfair.” Taemin voices into his hands.
Jonghyun doesn’t say anything. He holds Taemin close to his chest, breathing in the coconuts in his hair. I know, Taemin. I know.
~o~
Jonghyun and Yoona don’t talk about the elephant in the room therefore rendering the car ride to the restaurant to be silent. Jonghyun and his mom hug and don’t let go for a minute or two when they first see each other after months. Jonghyun’s mother instantly complains about how Jonghyun lost weight and Jonghyun just dismisses his mother’s quips while Yoona smiles politely.
They enter the restaurant and order. The first half of lunch was mostly filled with discussions about school and how Yoona and Jonghyun were both coping with being separated. “I always knew that the two of you were close.” She says with that mischievous glint in her eye. Yoona keeps her mouth full with her food to keep herself from speaking. Jonghyun nods.
His mother wasn’t subtle with expressing how much she wanted Yoona for him. What she didn’t know was the discussions Jonghyun and Yoona had behind closed doors. Yes, Yoona was a fair lady to be with. She would bear good looking children with golden genes and she won’t settle for being a mere housewife although would succeed greatly in that field if she chooses to do so. And at one point Jonghyun was blinded by all of that, thinking that he needs someone like Yoona by his side.
Two tables to the right a couple occupies the vacancy and plays with each other’s hands on the table as they scan the menu. Nothing is seemingly odd about them at first but Yoona and his mother stare at them and frown when they look back. It only occurs to Jonghyun then that the couple was comprised of both boys.
“I don’t understand your generation at all.” His mother says with an unrevealing laugh. Yoona gives Jonghyun a quick glance before smiling at his mother and replying, “Me neither, Mrs. Kim.”
When he swallows his food it tastes like acid. ~o~
It’s bliss for about a week for Jonghyun and Taemin. When they plan on going out they only hold hands once they enter the market or if they’re a few good feet away from the college. It only hurts a little bit when Jonghyun tugs his hand away because they see some familiar students looking around the market, but Taemin compromises.
When they get home it’s a lot easier because they feel as if the whole world is theirs.
Jinki knocks on their door sometimes and Jonghyun lies on top of Taemin, squishing him and tickling him until Jinki gives up and just goes back to his room.
Kibum’s noticed a few things too but doesn’t say anything, just smiles knowingly. Then there’s Changmin who hears the words that Taemin leaves to dangle silently from his tongue when he answers Changmin, “Yes, I’m happy.” Most of the time. “I love him.” But I’m not sure if we’re doing this right. “He loves me too. I know he does.” Even if he’s never said it yet.
Changmin just nods and smiles, ruffling Taemin’s hair and congratulating him. There’s a hook in Taemin’s smile, the kind that no one but Jonghyun can chase away.
When Taemin misses the first half of his class because he overslept and decides not to go anymore he goes out into town and looks for a place to print out his pictures with Jonghyun. The woman who prints them out gives him looks later when he comes back to pick them up. Taemin responds with a bow and leaves.
He pins the pictures on their bulletin board, smiling at his finished product. He runs his finger over one picture of Jonghyun that he really likes, where his hair is a mess from rolling around in bed with Taemin for the duration of the morning and his eyes are wide and pointed at the same time.
Taemin sighs, if only life wasn’t similar to the woman at the photo shop earlier. ~o~
“What the hell is this doing in the closet?!” Taemin surges at Jonghyun with a bulletin board in hand filled with pinned pictures of the two of them. It used to be hanging above Taemin’s desk. Until Jonghyun came home to the dorm and found it blatantly mocking him.
“Taemin, what did I say?” Jonghyun walks out of the shower, towel riding low around his waist as Taemin follows him, dropping his bag to one side. “I don’t want people finding out. It’s like the beds aren’t bad enough.”
Taemin shakes his head briskly, placing the bulletin board on the desk so forcefully that some of the pictures fly away. “You know what? If you’re so fucking disgusted then why are you with me?”
“I never said-“ Jonghyun spins around, catching his forehead in his hand. “Jesus. I never said I was disgusted by you. Why are you being like this?”
“Because I love you. But I have to do things for myself too. I can’t just give you everything, Jonghyun. And… I think… I think that we should stop this.”
“Taemin.” Jonghyun breathes. “Taemin, come on. Don’t say that.”
“I’m not just saying it. I mean it.” Taemin spins back around, pushing Jonghyun away when he attempts to come closer. “I’m not a selfish person, Jonghyun. But with you it’s like I can’t help it. I tried. I’m going back home for a few weeks-“ Taemin pulls out a duffel bag from beneath his bed. Apparently he’s been planning this for a while. Jonghyun is close to begging. “Call me when you get your balls back.”
~o~
The first week without Taemin leaves Jonghyun to wander about the grounds without really going to his classes. He just sits on the benches where Taemin used to bring him, the pool, and the market.
Kibum comes by from time to time and when Jonghyun asks about Jinki Kibum just says, “Motherfucker’s heartbroken about his boy leavin’. I thought he was a homo until today. Now I just think he’s a girl with a penis. What a waste.” And when he questions Jonghyun about Taemin Jonghyun just shrugs and changes the topic.
Jonghyun decides to go back home too. He calls his mother first and asks if he can and his mother accepts him back no questions asked, not without discussing details with the dean first. He hasn’t eaten a full meal in a while and he notices how his mother is staring at him without a clue as to how to help him.
Jonghyun walks into the living room one night and finds his mother on the couch flicking through channels. She smiles at him and beckons him over. Jonghyun sinks next to her, feeding off her warmth. His mother goes through a few channels first and gets Jonghyun to participate in brief small talk. The second that they manage to run out of things to say Jonghyun sighs heavily and sits up to face his mother.
“Mom. I… I just thought I should let you know. I’m not in love with Yoona.”
“Okay.” His mother cautiously answers later when Jonghyun holds his breath. “Is that what’s been bothering you, baby? I don’t mind about that. I mean, sure I favor her but I’ll always be looking out for your happiness mainly.”
This is when Jonghyun’s eyes begin to sting and then he’s stuttering his words out. “What if my happiness doesn’t lie with a girl? Would you still be okay with that?”
His mother is an honest woman. She is harsh to her workers and everyone knows her to be straightforward. There is only room for one man in her life after her husband left and it’s reserved for Jonghyun alone. It’s true that she can’t really agree with the lifestyles of whatever requires her to accept what she perceives to be unnatural. So for these reasons, she doesn’t say anything, opting to merely pat her son’s back until he stops crying. ~o~
He comes back to the dorm still empty. Jinki has only gotten worse too. Jonghyun and Kibum manage to get him to pry him from his wonderful bed and out of the room. They arrive at Changmin’s café, selecting a table and sitting down after a long walk.
The trio chat for a bit until Jinki says that he wants to sleep some more. Kibum leaves with Jinki just to make sure that he gets to the dorm in one piece. Jonghyun stays in the café, sipping his glass of lemonade and staring out at the garden where he once sat with Taemin. He wonders if he was always in love with Taemin, even then.
Changmin places a plate of chocolate cake in front of Jonghyun minutes later. “Don’t look so glum. It’s on the house.” Changmin explains later when Jonghyun tries to fish his pocket for his wallet. “Mind if I join you?”
“Not at all.” Jonghyun offers the seat opposite his. Changmin props one leg over the other coolly, patting his tie down and Jonghyun notices a few giggles erupting from a nearby table when Changmin offers them a small smile. Jonghyun passes a look at the girls that goes unnoticed then looks back at Changmin, amused. “How do you do that?”
“Do? I don’t do anything. It just comes naturally. Both a blessing and a curse really.” Changmin laughs at his own quips and Jonghyun can’t help but smile back even if a little weak. “How’s Taemin doing?”
Jonghyun self consciously smiles as he takes a spoonful of chocolate cake. “I was hoping you’d tell me. He hasn’t been coming around here?”
“Don’t you share a room with him?” Changmin raises a brow.
“He went home for a bit.”
“Oh, really? Is he sick?”
Jonghyun bites his bottom lip for left over icing. “I don’t think so. He said. He said he just needed to figure some stuff out.”
Changmin stifles a laugh behind his first, his eyes turning uneven while Jonghyun, puzzled, stares back him. “You know, don’t you?”
“Know what?”
“That Taemin likes you?”
Jonghyun tries to hide his blush by shoving a healthier serving of the chocolate cake in his mouth. “He talks about me with you?”
“Among other things. Ever since moving in with you though it’s been Jonghyun this and Jonghyun that. It’s cute, really. I’ve never seen him so invested in anyone before.”
Jonghyun doesn’t know how to respond to that.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.” Jonghyun answers because he already knows what Changmin is about to ask. Changmin mistakes this for a response so Jonghyun repeats himself. “Yes. I feel the same way.”
Changmin clamps his mouth shut.
“I don’t understand. I’m not gay though. At least, I never thought I was.”
“Jonghyun.” Changmin uncrosses his legs and leans over the table. “Do you like Taemin because he’s a boy?”
Jonghyun looks over his shoulder, suddenly aware of the people around them. He shakes his head. “No.”
“Why do you like him?”
Jonghyun points the tips of his thumbs together. “Sometimes it’s because he makes me smile. Sometimes it’s because he has a way of occupying my every thought. Sometimes it’s because I’ve never really fought with anyone so… so… passionately before. Most of the time it’s just because I do.”
The corner of Changmin’s lips tug into a simple smile. “So if Taemin were a girl would you still like him?”
“Yes.” Jonghyun answers without hesitation.
Changmin breathes in and allows Jongyhyun a second to realize everything he just said. Jonghyun’s eyes widen seconds later as if an epiphany has just run its course. Changmin is pleased as he leans back in his chair. “Do you understand now?”
I do.
~o~
When Taemin decides to come back to the college he goes straight to Changmin’s café first, running around the counter to give his hyung a hug. Changmin almost lifts him up.
“I got your invitation.” Taemin said after they’ve settled into a booth. It’s a little over 10pm and the café is filing up for the singing showcase later. “I went here first just to make sure I’m not late for it.”
“Taemin!” Jinkis shriek is too obvious, too him to go unnoticed. Kibum covers his ears by the entrance while Jinki all but prances over to Taemin and hugs him like the world is about to end in minutes. “I missed you soooooo~”
“Yeah.” Taemin chuckles. “I missed you too, hyung.”
“REALLY?” Jinki does a good job of crushing Taemin to the point of suffocation. Until Kibum pries Jinki’s hands away and screams at him, “NO, NOT REALLY! HE’S BEIN’ NICE, IDIOT!”
A lot of the students from their school have come to the café, positioning themselves in the garden where two of the waiters were finishing up the designs on the miniature stage. Taemin notices a lot of music majors, some of the people that Jonghyun hangs around with a lot. Then he gets it. “He’s here, isn’t he?”
Changmin doesn’t hide it, Kibum smiles while Jinki densely goes, “I’m right here, Taeminnie. Hyung isn’t going anywhere!”
They join the crowd when 10:30 pm strikes and Taemin’s heart begins an erratic dance in his chest. The first of the singers walks up the stage, Kyuhyun, if Taemin remembers correctly. He pulls one of the organs in place and turns it on, playing a soft melody, a revival of an older song Taemin used to listen to on the radio with his dad.
But moments from now Jonghyun’s going to be up that stage. And there’s this growing feeling inside his chest, something that makes him expect that things are going to change. But he tries to keep himself from entertaining such thoughts because he knows that disappointment isn’t far behind.
As the next performer readies herself to hit the stage a hand falls on Taemin’s shoulder and he spins around to find Yoona smiling at him. They bow at each other and exchange welcomes briefly.
“Did you come for Jonghyun?” She asks and Taemin stiffens. Yoona can only laugh good-naturedly. “Don’t worry about it, Taemin-sshi.”
Taemin asks her about her school and Yoona responds with eager answers, nodding and jabbing Taemin on the sides. Taemin doesn’t notice the third performer until Yoona goes silent and faces the stage, cocking her head to its direction to get Taemin to spin around.
Jonghyun comes out with a guitar and sits on the stool. He turns the lock of the microphone stand, pushing it down a bit lower and Kibum screams, “Short ass” behind his hand while the crowd laughs. Jonghyun throws a death threat at Kibum because he’d know that voice anywhere.
Jonghyun doesn’t look at Taemin for the duration of the performance but he doesn’t have to. Because for one, when he stretches his jacket to run up his elbows Taemin sees the bracelet he bought for Jonghyun hugging his wrist and for two, that song is about him. It starts off without any help from the guitar, just Jonghyun singing in a falsetto voice, I should have known to be careful since the beginning and You’re a quiet fire I can’t put out. Then the chorus comes in along with a pliable strum from the guitar, and Jonghyun’s apologizing and saying, I know now that if I keep being afraid I’ll lose you. I don’t want to lose you.
When the song ends Taemin can’t think straight. He feels guilty somehow and he wonders if anyone else apart from Changmin, Kibum, Jinki and Yoona know that that song is for him. Jonghyun places the guitar beside him as the throngs of people clap and cheer at him for a job well done.
And Jonghyun leaves no more room for confusion. He walks off the stage, arranging the collar of his jacket confidently. He’s walking towards Taemin without looking at him, but all Taemin sees is him. And just as he’s a few inches away he takes Taemin’s hand, tugs it lightly (not that Taemin needs much persuasion in his jello legs) and presses his lips against his. He doesn’t pull away quickly, he lets the feeling linger. He feels the eyes of everyone in the crowd on them with every movement of his mouth, with every breath that he takes with the taste of Taemin on his tongue. And he thinks to himself, this isn’t so bad. The clapping comes to a complete halt and that’s when Jonghyun pulls away from Taemin and smiles when he blushes all pink and embarrassed.
“I love you.” Jonghyun says.
Taemin clings to him, repeatedly thanking him while Jinki faints on the grass and Kibum kicks him awake. ~o~
The dorm room has been cleared out for the semester break and everything except for the pictures pinned on the bulletin board is occupying space. Jonghyun walks closer to the bulletin board and plucks out the pins, gathering the photos in his hands. There’s a small picture of Taemin and him pretending to be asleep. Jonghyun places that one in the clear plastic part of his wallet.
Earlier today before packing, he wrote a letter to his mom explaining how he’s going to spend his semester break with Taemin. He tells her that he knows it’s going to take time and that she can take all the time that she needs until everything is settled. And when she’s ready, he would love nothing more than to introduce Taemin to her.
“Jonghyun.” Taemin enters the room as he tugs his hair free from his ponytail, having loaded the last of his belongings in the taxi.
Jonghyun’s carrying the last of his things, a few pictures and the aquarium with two paper fishes dangling inside. Taemin taps the lid and smiles up at Jonghyun. “How about we fill that up with some real fish when we get to the farm?”
Jonghyun nods, even if he’s fine with the imaginary fish he already has.
“Are you ready to go?”
Jonghyun thinks that life is funny. Every time he sees Taemin he’s reminded of the year that has passed and everything in between and he can’t be more grateful because now he knows what it’s like to feel butterflies in his stomach. He knows how to love selflessly and how to fall without caring.
And it’s all thanks to the boy who he thought was a girl until he killed a cockroach without even flinching. Finally.
He’s ready.
*masterficlist | add me | tumblr
-- final part. inpired by this movie.
important: it has come to my attention that
i might have been a little crass with describing
kibum in this series as "black!kibum" and i do
apologize if i have offended anyone else. what
i want you all to know is that when i was forming
this characterization for kibum, in no way,
shape or form was it with the intention of offending
or celebrating racial stereotypes. i only wanted
a list of unique characters that (in the story) would soon
show much more dimension than who they are
seen as when first introduced. so that's why
kibum, in this story, if presented in a very stereotypical
way and why taemin is the same. i'm not going to
defend myself any further by saying that "i have friends
of all races so i know a thing or two about this" coz that
would just be dumb. and no, i don't have friends like
kibum. just so we're clear. and that's simply because
i live in the philippines so-- i should shut up.in any case,
i would just liketo genuinely apologize to anyone who
might have taken offense to that portion of the story.
jesus. and to think that i thought i was going to get
heat for writing camp 22 :3 ~
pg - 15 // Jonghyun/Taemin; Jonghyun/Yoona; Onew/Taemin // ~6k w
Jonghyun probably shouldn’t be kissing Yoona right now.
He probably shouldn’t be kissing her while his mind wanders. Regardless, she presses closer, hands gliding around his neck. When she pulls away from his lips briefly it’s to lever herself up and maneuver herself over the partition dividing the driver’s seat and the passenger’s seat. With a leg on either side of Jonghyun’s thighs pressed together she kneels on the seat then carefully sinks onto his lap, moving her head forward again to feel his lips against hers.
Jonghyun’s hands push her hair away from tickling his cheeks, keeps them to hold her hair away and she rolls her hips slightly along with the invasion of her tongue, sweet and almost shy when it pushes in to meet with his. One of Jonghyun’s hands finds the top of her thigh and he squeezes the softness into his palm, their breaths labored. He elicits a soft moan to resonate in the back of her throat as her hands drift to his chest.
He’s tasted her before, he’s wanted her just as much but unlike all of those times, tonight he finds himself lost. He likes the way her hands go flat against his chest, the way she generously tenders her lips for more of his, he likes her weight on top of him, crushing and warm, but he still finds himself fleeting elsewhere, back in his empty dorm room.
Because what he feels in his stomach isn’t a heap of butterflies. It’s a burn of desire rewarding him for what he knows he’s deserved for being patient with her. He’s never had her in his arms so undone, so ready and willing. Yoona would have stopped by now, she wouldn’t have straddled him if she wasn’t serious. She would slap his hand away from her thigh, from her hair if she didn’t want this. But the recognition of her submission leads him to believe that the reciprocation isn’t reaching its equilibrium because now that he’s thinking of his room, he finds himself imagining bright eyes, auburn hair and coconut mint.
And when his lips move against hers he sees that he’s no longer feeling Yoona. That he’s lying to himself now, blatantly. When she stretches back and offers him lands of skin from her creamy neck he kisses it blindly, peppering it with the sheer shine of his moistened lips but in his mind all he sees is Taemin stretching a hair band between his stringy fingers and reaching behind his head to tie his hair up. After cleaning his hair up Taemin will gather plates of ingredients and position himself beside the rice cooker, sitting himself down on the floor and plugging the wire in. Taemin adds the pyramids of sliced ingredients in by groups, stirring when they sizzle in the oil then he’ll add about a cup of water and by this time in the morning Jonghyun will stop pretending that he’s asleep. Jonghyun will fight the covers off him violently just to make a show of it and Taemin will look up from his cooking and pass him a smile that washes over his face.
Jonghyun doesn’t mean to be rough but when he holds Yoona by the arms and hauls her away she whimpers at the strength in his clutch.
He can’t even look her in the eye. “Sorry…”
“Jonghyun. What is is?”
“I just can’t.” Jonghyun exhales into his palms, completely distracted now. Yoona parts her lips to say something but her eyes are already watering slightly and her arms protectively wrap around her shoulders.
Jonghyun’s head lulls to the side and for a minute he thinks he’s imagining Taemin standing outside of the gates of the dorms, grimace bringing the corners of his lips down.
But then Taemin turns around slowly and jogs in the opposite direction of the entrance, gradually vanishing in the distance.
Yoona’s stare bounces from Taemin’s disappearing form to Jonghyun’s sullen expression and everything clicks in place but not in a way that clears up the sky, more of in a way that muddles her with confusion. “Jjong?”
Jonghyun has half a mind to catch up to Taemin and shake him by the shoulders, scream at him and ask him, “What are you doing to me, Taemin?!” but he can’t even find the strength to blink.
It was only yesterday when Taemin unmistakably voiced out his feelings and Jonghyun’s blood boils at the memory, the image of Taemin’s vulnerability sends his fury aflame. Because maybe.
Maybe. He finds it puzzlingly beautiful. ~o~
Jonghyun is pacing the room, his cell phone in his hand as he tries Taemin’s number again but to no avail. It’s almost midnight and Taemin still hasn’t appeared from the door.
Jonghyun is angry in every sense of the word. He’s angry because he has no fucking clue where Taemin is, who Taemin is with, if Taemin is safe. In the next few minutes he has managed to imagine every worse scenario possible. Like Taemin walking in on those four bullies yesterday.
Later in the night his frustration melts into worry. And just as he’s about to leave the room to ask Jinki and Kibum to help him search for Taemin the door opens and lo and behold, Taemin is alive, weakly making it into the apartment with his hair in his usual ponytail, his sleeves pulled up by the shoulders. Taemin blinks up at Jonghyun whose nostrils are flaring, eyebrows knitted; his grip on his phone, if increased even by just a crumb, would manage to smash the gadget into dust.
Taemin sets his gaze downcast, brushing accidentally against Jonghyun’s arm when he passes by to make it to his closet.
With their backs facing each other Jonghyun’s eyes close. “Where have you been?”
“Out.”
Jonghyun leaves his head to fall forward, hanging by his neck. Then he straightens up, exhaling heavily as he throws his cell phone on his bed. “Out where?”
“Just out.” Taemin offers a noncommittal shrug, collecting his clothes in his arms and pushing his closet closed with his foot.
And just as Taemin is about to walk past Jonghyun again to make it to the bathroom Jonghyun grabs him by the arm and pushes him back. Taemin stumbles with his foot and irritably faces Jonghyun with impatient, anticipating eyes through his messy fringe.
“I was calling and texting you for almost an hour. You couldn’t pick up even for just a second to tell me where you were?”
“I can take care of myself. You didn’t have to worry. Besides, you seemed occupied enough anyway since I saw you last. I thought you might have needed the room.” Taemin tries to walk forward again only to be blocked by Jonghyun’s chest.
“Regardless! You can’t just run out like that and not call me back! How do you think that makes me feel?”
“You’re not the only one who has feelings here, Jonghyun!” Taemin raises his voice a pitch higher than Jonghyun for the first time. “If you think you feel like shit then suffer. Because I can assure you that I feel a lot worse.”
“Stop it.” Jonghyun frustratingly rakes his fingers through his hair.
“Stop what?”
“That. What you’re saying. What you think you’re feeling-“
Taemin hitches his clothes to the nearest bed, vacating his hands and patting them flat on his chest. “You think I want this, Jonghyun? You think this is easy for me? If I could stop it, rest assured I would. In a motherfucking heart beat!” Taemin’s hands slide to hang loose by his sides as he hopelessly continues, eyes on the edge of the desk behind Jonghyun. “I wish that I could hate you just as much as I say I do.” Taemin sniffs.
“Just start hating me.” Jonghyun whispers huskily. Taemin looks down, blinking tears away and catching them with the collar of his shirt. “Hate me, Taemin. Because I’m never going to feel the same way.” What Jonghyun thought was that if he could just break Taemin and make Taemin believe that he isn’t worthy of anything then maybe he’d stop thinking about Taemin first thing in the morning. Maybe then, his curiosity about Taemin’s lips will fade. “Let’s face it. This, you and me. Never gonna happen. You should start hating me now. Because-because I hate you. I hate you so much I can’t stand it sometimes. I hate how pathetic you’ve become. How you think that you can make me forget about Yoona-I kind of feel sorry for you.”
Jonghyun’s had his share of hardships, his share of obstacles. He remembers standing in the middle of a tennis match in high school and although he didn’t exactly like tennis, he played because his classmates thought he was pretty good. It was matchpoint and Jonghyun was shaking in his tennis shoes.
In this scenario, so much can be compared but not more so than the painful thorn in his chest that prevents him from breathing properly. And it’s all because he’s fighting to keep his resolve in front of his opponent, Taemin. Taemin doesn’t even bother to hide his tears as they freefall down the curve of his cheeks. His eyes have gone red, creases around his forehead, lips in an unsullied grimace and Jonghyun realizes that where Taemin is standing right now, this location in the room is where they first stood during the first day of moving in. Jonghyun had just gotten out of the shower and Taemin is smiling at him with a row of teeth and thinned out pink lips, this immaculate happiness that Jonghyun thought Taemin would never run out of.
Never did he think that he would be the cause for breaking Taemin like this.
This time, when Taemin leaves and slams the door shut, Jonghyun doesn’t call or text.
He does, however, ruin the row of his books, the music sheets on his desk as his frustration runs wild. He throws stuff around until he’s exhausted, but even then he’s still thinking about Taemin. And he’s pretty sure he’ll be dreaming of Taemin too, and wake up with his smile fresh in his mind. ~o~
After half an hour of just staring at Taemin’s bed Jonghyun finally grabs an umbrella and walks out of the room, stepping over heaps of papers and pens that he messed up earlier.
The rain outside grows heavier as Jonghyun jogs around campus and tries to find Taemin. He runs around for about twenty minutes on the empty grounds, jumping into puddles once or twice. He doesn’t care. He’s running out of breath and the legs of his pants are damp.
It occurs to him that maybe Taemin went off campus and since calling him was out of the question Jonghyun walks in the direction of the pool. The emptiness leads him to walk a little further this time on the path towards Changmin’s café. He knows it’s probably a long shot but he can’t sleep until he finds Taemin.
On the walkway leading to the café Jonghyun notices a telephone booth lit up from the inside and a small figure hiding from the rain. He recognizes Taemin instantly, not even thinking twice about running towards the booth and standing outside of the door while Taemin pitifully blinks tears away, the rivulets on his cheeks dropping to his already wet shoes. Actually, Taemin was already dripping with water from the rain, probably from having wandered out on his own when the downpour arrived.
Jonghyun stands outside under his umbrella just watching Taemin and imagining him running around in the rain with nowhere in particular to go.
“Yah, Lee Taemin!” Jonghyun shouts through the millions of drops of rain surrounding them. “Have you gone crazy?”
“I know you hate me.” Taemin says to his hands, sniffing as he toys with the edges of his shirt. “But you can’t blame me for trying.” Taemin reaches from behind him and reveals a white plastic bag that was on the ground. Taemin opens the bag and pulls out a box of a miniature aquarium with colorful pebbles inside. “I couldn’t find a fish that you’d like.” Taemin explains lamely when he finally looks up. But the moment their eyes meet Taemin looks away again, placing the box back inside of the plastic. “I can’t do anything right, can I?”
It’s an obvious fact. Taemin bought that for him. For him especially. He didn’t by extra aquariums for Kibum or Jinki, he just bought one. And he knows it’s meant for him solely because he remembers telling Taemin before about how much he wants a pet. And with this simple knowledge Jonghyun finds himself dropping the umbrella in his hand and letting the rain wash over him.
He knows it isn’t possible to erase what he’s done and said to Taemin but perhaps the rain can rid him of what he’s done. Like being baptized and reborn again by allowing the rain to purge him of his sins. Jonghyun drop the umbrella and Taemin is staring at him now as Jonghyun goes from damp to full on wet.
And when Jonghyun shuffles inside the booth and crushes Taemin in a hug that isn’t restrained or vigilant in the least, Taemin cries even harder into Jonghyun’s shoulder. ~o~
After having changed into a set of dry clothes, Taemin in his usual two-sizes-too-big wife beaters and Jonghyun in his plain white shirt, Taemin takes the aquarium from out of the box and places the pebbles inside.
Jonghyun watches with increasing fascination as Taemin draws two clown fishes on a sheet of Oslo paper, colors it in shades of orange and black and cuts them out. He punctures the top fin with a paper hole puncher and ties a string to connect it to the surface of the aquarium’s lid. The big and small clown fish reminds Jonghyun of Finding Nemo. When he says this Taemin laughs and says, “That’s exactly the point.”
Taemin sits on his bed and Jonghyun surprises the both of them by walking over with a towel. The rain continues to pour down outside and Jonghyun asks, “Are you proud of me for remembering to close the sliding door this time?” to which Taemin just laughs and nods, his eyes filled with the familiar joy that lightens up Jonghyun’s mood.
Jonghyun sits on his calves and pulls Taemin in front of him to do the same. Jonghyun maneuvers the towel on Taemin’s head, catching the strands and wiping them dry. All the while it’s Taemin’s turn to observe him. From up close Jonghyun realizes that Yoona was right all along, Taemin did have long lashes to frame his round eyes.
It dawns on Jonghyun what the situation at hand is. He’s sitting face to face with Taemin, in one bed and the rain outside provides this staccato of acoustics accompanying Taemin’s breathing and Jonghyun, being a music major, decides that he’s never heard anything more breathtaking.
Jonghyun feels Taemin’s gaze grazing against his skin, the way it roams over the entirety of his face only to land back on his eyes and Jonghyun clenches his jaw to keep his mind from reeling. He knows that look. He knows what Taemin wants and he’s so afraid of the fact that maybe he’s reflecting the same look right now.
So Jonghyun rises on his knees to create some sort of distance. Taemin merely tilts his head up to keep his gaze where Jonghyun’s eyes are. He keeps on rubbing the towel against Taemin’s crown, concentrating on soaking up the water when really Taemin’s hair is already near dry. But if Jonghyun lets go now then there will be nothing else connecting them and for some reason that knowledge doesn’t do him any favors.
And then the feel of Taemin’s hands registers on him, a tidal wave of emotions crashing over him as Taemin holds onto Jonghyun’s sides, his thumbs stroking the fabric in between their skin. Jonghyun’s limbs go rigid, muscles tensing. His eyes trek back to Taemin’s and now he sees this eagerness, this secret language that Taemin speaks so fluently with simple blinks.
Jonghyun understands. He understands every word. He sits back down on his calves and somehow Taemin’s face is so much closer. Taemin trails a hand up to Jonghyun’s jaw; the softness of his palm against his skin sends electricity in every muscle of his body.
And he thinks that right about now he might die from being so overwhelmed, form his heart beating too fast that he just couldn’t keep up. Until Taemin slowly leans over his knees to get closer, and Jonghyun can only count the diminishing inches, centimeters, and soon there is no space between their lips.
The first touch creates a plethora of jolts to race through Jonghyun’s body, keeping him steady and just waiting, dying for Taemin to do more, to move more. But Taemin’s just as frightened and shaken up as he is. So Jonghyun takes the initiative, choosing to part his lips first and catch Taemin’s bottom lip, sucking lightly.
Taemin melts then, holding onto Jonghyun’s shoulders as Jonghyun reaches up to brush Taemin’s hair away. Unambiguously, Taemin mimics the motion on Jonghyun’s upper lip, pushing and rubbing, mewling when Jonghyun places his hand on Taemin’s nape to angle his head at something more comfortable.
There was really no thinking involved tonight, just pure admiration on Jonghyun’s part because Taemin is so kind and giving and everything that Jonghyun probably wants in his hands. He wants Taemin. This apprehension he can no longer deny. He’s wanted-has been wanting Taemin for quite some time now. And all of that anger, all of that distance fades away into flocks of butterflies forming in his stomach when he realizes how this is all actually happening.
And when Jonghyun presses Taemin down on the mattress without halting the kiss, Taemin complies, parting his thighs to fit Jonghyun in between. Once on top of Taemin, Jonghyun’s kisses turn hungry and vigorous, sliding his tongue in while his hand hikes up the hem of his wife beater to free Taemin’s stomach from the fabric.
Taemin doesn’t mind the pain, the marks that Jonghyun plans on leaving. And Jonghyun is addicted to the way Taemin says his name breathlessly and vaguely timid. ~o~
Taemin wakes up to the sound of Jonghyun falling to the floor from the bed. When Taemin peers over the edge of the bed indolently, Jonghyun is rubbing his back with one hand while leaning over the other. He squints at Taemin, mirroring the smile that the other offers him. “Morning.”
“Morning.” Taemin says back, not bothering to hide his blush when he realizes that Jonghyun is on the floor in only his pajamas, the morning light shining over his torso and chest flawlessly.
“Your bed’s too small.” Jonghyun explains when he sits up on the floor, patting his hand on the mattress.
Taemin eyes Jonghyun’s empty bed on the other side, untouched. “Maybe we should push them together.”
Taemin doesn’t understand at first why Jonghyun’s face reddens like a tomato. Until he replies with an embarrassed, “Didn’t we just do that last night?”
Taemin almost falls on the floor while laughing in his sheets, the tips of his ears turning. “I meant the beds.”
The first ten minutes of the morning they spend on moving the beds together to the center of the room. A lot of rearranging was performed-pushing and pulling of desks, chairs, the TV and whatnot. By the time Taemin and Jonghyun manage to fix the sheets on the joined twin beds Taemin is exhausted. He plops on the bed like a starfish, blowing his hair out of his face.
It’s a pleasant surprise when Jonghyun appears beside him and starts kissing him senseless again.
They brush their teeth together, hogging the sink and the mirror, and afterwards Taemin cooks them breakfast in bed. Jonghyun finishes about two bowls of soup. They huddle under the covers, wrestling and tangling in each other’s limbs. When they find themselves out of breath they sit on the bed shoulder to shoulder, leaning against the headboard. They take pictures of one another on Taemin’s digital camera and some of the both of them holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, and one of Jonghyun attempting to lick Taemin’s face.
Jonghyun’s phone rings from the dresser. He reaches for it, leaning over Taemin’s thighs and flipping his phone open. The caller lights up Yoona’s name and instantly, Taemin’s smile wipes off his face.
Jonghyun tugs Taemin’s wrist when he tries to get out of bed. He holds Taemin’s hand and answers the phone, talking and all smiles as Yoona greets him and asks him if he’s busy.
When Jonghyun drops the phone Taemin is still frowning, stare directed forward but at nothing in particular.
“My mom wants to have lunch with Yoona and me.” Jonghyun says with a small smile, wrapping an arm around Taemin’s slim waist. “Can I go?” he props his chin on Taemin’s shoulder, kissing the bell of his ear as he whispers his request.
Taemin doesn’t spare him a glance, nodding once just to show his approval.
Jonghyun hugs Taemin even tighter for a little bit.
“You should get ready.” Taemin suggests when Jonghyun doesn’t let go.
Jonghyun tries at a breathy laugh. “Okay. But lock the doors when I leave okay? I don’t wanna find Jinki in here trying to sweep you off your feet. I get very jealous.”
“I have no problem with telling Jinki about us.” Taemin says straightforwardly, pinning Jonghyun with an honest stare. Jonghyun lets go of Taemin then, his smile faltering.
“Don’t be stupid.” Jonghyun says, propping his elbows on his parted knees underneath the sheets. “Shit.” He says as if he’s finally seeing what’s happening. But it feels that way. The thought of seeing Yoona and his mom later after having slept with Taemin is kind of like him falling into reality after spending last night in a dream. “Oh shit.”
“Jjong.”
“I don’t know what do about this.” Jonghyun mumbles into his hands. He feels Taemin’s fingers raking through his hair, scooting closer.
“Don’t worry about anyone else. I don’t. What we have has got nothing to do with them. Jonghyun.” Taemin circles his other arm around Jonghyun’s stomach. “Jonghyun, I love you.”
While Taemin anticipates for a response Jonghyun stares at the sheets ahead of him, picturing possible outcomes for when he tells Yoona about this. When he tells his mom about Taemin. He screws his eyes shut. “Taemin, I’m not ready.” Jonghyun says. “I’m not ready to tell anyone about this.”
Taemin loosens his hold then, his face falling into a deep frown. Jonghyun holds onto his arm, pushing Taemin’s hair away from his face. “Can we just keep this between us? Just for now?”
Taemin sinks his face into his palms as Jonghyun strokes his hair, expectant. “This is so unfair.” Taemin voices into his hands.
Jonghyun doesn’t say anything. He holds Taemin close to his chest, breathing in the coconuts in his hair. I know, Taemin. I know.
~o~
Jonghyun and Yoona don’t talk about the elephant in the room therefore rendering the car ride to the restaurant to be silent. Jonghyun and his mom hug and don’t let go for a minute or two when they first see each other after months. Jonghyun’s mother instantly complains about how Jonghyun lost weight and Jonghyun just dismisses his mother’s quips while Yoona smiles politely.
They enter the restaurant and order. The first half of lunch was mostly filled with discussions about school and how Yoona and Jonghyun were both coping with being separated. “I always knew that the two of you were close.” She says with that mischievous glint in her eye. Yoona keeps her mouth full with her food to keep herself from speaking. Jonghyun nods.
His mother wasn’t subtle with expressing how much she wanted Yoona for him. What she didn’t know was the discussions Jonghyun and Yoona had behind closed doors. Yes, Yoona was a fair lady to be with. She would bear good looking children with golden genes and she won’t settle for being a mere housewife although would succeed greatly in that field if she chooses to do so. And at one point Jonghyun was blinded by all of that, thinking that he needs someone like Yoona by his side.
Two tables to the right a couple occupies the vacancy and plays with each other’s hands on the table as they scan the menu. Nothing is seemingly odd about them at first but Yoona and his mother stare at them and frown when they look back. It only occurs to Jonghyun then that the couple was comprised of both boys.
“I don’t understand your generation at all.” His mother says with an unrevealing laugh. Yoona gives Jonghyun a quick glance before smiling at his mother and replying, “Me neither, Mrs. Kim.”
When he swallows his food it tastes like acid. ~o~
It’s bliss for about a week for Jonghyun and Taemin. When they plan on going out they only hold hands once they enter the market or if they’re a few good feet away from the college. It only hurts a little bit when Jonghyun tugs his hand away because they see some familiar students looking around the market, but Taemin compromises.
When they get home it’s a lot easier because they feel as if the whole world is theirs.
Jinki knocks on their door sometimes and Jonghyun lies on top of Taemin, squishing him and tickling him until Jinki gives up and just goes back to his room.
Kibum’s noticed a few things too but doesn’t say anything, just smiles knowingly. Then there’s Changmin who hears the words that Taemin leaves to dangle silently from his tongue when he answers Changmin, “Yes, I’m happy.” Most of the time. “I love him.” But I’m not sure if we’re doing this right. “He loves me too. I know he does.” Even if he’s never said it yet.
Changmin just nods and smiles, ruffling Taemin’s hair and congratulating him. There’s a hook in Taemin’s smile, the kind that no one but Jonghyun can chase away.
When Taemin misses the first half of his class because he overslept and decides not to go anymore he goes out into town and looks for a place to print out his pictures with Jonghyun. The woman who prints them out gives him looks later when he comes back to pick them up. Taemin responds with a bow and leaves.
He pins the pictures on their bulletin board, smiling at his finished product. He runs his finger over one picture of Jonghyun that he really likes, where his hair is a mess from rolling around in bed with Taemin for the duration of the morning and his eyes are wide and pointed at the same time.
Taemin sighs, if only life wasn’t similar to the woman at the photo shop earlier. ~o~
“What the hell is this doing in the closet?!” Taemin surges at Jonghyun with a bulletin board in hand filled with pinned pictures of the two of them. It used to be hanging above Taemin’s desk. Until Jonghyun came home to the dorm and found it blatantly mocking him.
“Taemin, what did I say?” Jonghyun walks out of the shower, towel riding low around his waist as Taemin follows him, dropping his bag to one side. “I don’t want people finding out. It’s like the beds aren’t bad enough.”
Taemin shakes his head briskly, placing the bulletin board on the desk so forcefully that some of the pictures fly away. “You know what? If you’re so fucking disgusted then why are you with me?”
“I never said-“ Jonghyun spins around, catching his forehead in his hand. “Jesus. I never said I was disgusted by you. Why are you being like this?”
“Because I love you. But I have to do things for myself too. I can’t just give you everything, Jonghyun. And… I think… I think that we should stop this.”
“Taemin.” Jonghyun breathes. “Taemin, come on. Don’t say that.”
“I’m not just saying it. I mean it.” Taemin spins back around, pushing Jonghyun away when he attempts to come closer. “I’m not a selfish person, Jonghyun. But with you it’s like I can’t help it. I tried. I’m going back home for a few weeks-“ Taemin pulls out a duffel bag from beneath his bed. Apparently he’s been planning this for a while. Jonghyun is close to begging. “Call me when you get your balls back.”
~o~
The first week without Taemin leaves Jonghyun to wander about the grounds without really going to his classes. He just sits on the benches where Taemin used to bring him, the pool, and the market.
Kibum comes by from time to time and when Jonghyun asks about Jinki Kibum just says, “Motherfucker’s heartbroken about his boy leavin’. I thought he was a homo until today. Now I just think he’s a girl with a penis. What a waste.” And when he questions Jonghyun about Taemin Jonghyun just shrugs and changes the topic.
Jonghyun decides to go back home too. He calls his mother first and asks if he can and his mother accepts him back no questions asked, not without discussing details with the dean first. He hasn’t eaten a full meal in a while and he notices how his mother is staring at him without a clue as to how to help him.
Jonghyun walks into the living room one night and finds his mother on the couch flicking through channels. She smiles at him and beckons him over. Jonghyun sinks next to her, feeding off her warmth. His mother goes through a few channels first and gets Jonghyun to participate in brief small talk. The second that they manage to run out of things to say Jonghyun sighs heavily and sits up to face his mother.
“Mom. I… I just thought I should let you know. I’m not in love with Yoona.”
“Okay.” His mother cautiously answers later when Jonghyun holds his breath. “Is that what’s been bothering you, baby? I don’t mind about that. I mean, sure I favor her but I’ll always be looking out for your happiness mainly.”
This is when Jonghyun’s eyes begin to sting and then he’s stuttering his words out. “What if my happiness doesn’t lie with a girl? Would you still be okay with that?”
His mother is an honest woman. She is harsh to her workers and everyone knows her to be straightforward. There is only room for one man in her life after her husband left and it’s reserved for Jonghyun alone. It’s true that she can’t really agree with the lifestyles of whatever requires her to accept what she perceives to be unnatural. So for these reasons, she doesn’t say anything, opting to merely pat her son’s back until he stops crying. ~o~
He comes back to the dorm still empty. Jinki has only gotten worse too. Jonghyun and Kibum manage to get him to pry him from his wonderful bed and out of the room. They arrive at Changmin’s café, selecting a table and sitting down after a long walk.
The trio chat for a bit until Jinki says that he wants to sleep some more. Kibum leaves with Jinki just to make sure that he gets to the dorm in one piece. Jonghyun stays in the café, sipping his glass of lemonade and staring out at the garden where he once sat with Taemin. He wonders if he was always in love with Taemin, even then.
Changmin places a plate of chocolate cake in front of Jonghyun minutes later. “Don’t look so glum. It’s on the house.” Changmin explains later when Jonghyun tries to fish his pocket for his wallet. “Mind if I join you?”
“Not at all.” Jonghyun offers the seat opposite his. Changmin props one leg over the other coolly, patting his tie down and Jonghyun notices a few giggles erupting from a nearby table when Changmin offers them a small smile. Jonghyun passes a look at the girls that goes unnoticed then looks back at Changmin, amused. “How do you do that?”
“Do? I don’t do anything. It just comes naturally. Both a blessing and a curse really.” Changmin laughs at his own quips and Jonghyun can’t help but smile back even if a little weak. “How’s Taemin doing?”
Jonghyun self consciously smiles as he takes a spoonful of chocolate cake. “I was hoping you’d tell me. He hasn’t been coming around here?”
“Don’t you share a room with him?” Changmin raises a brow.
“He went home for a bit.”
“Oh, really? Is he sick?”
Jonghyun bites his bottom lip for left over icing. “I don’t think so. He said. He said he just needed to figure some stuff out.”
Changmin stifles a laugh behind his first, his eyes turning uneven while Jonghyun, puzzled, stares back him. “You know, don’t you?”
“Know what?”
“That Taemin likes you?”
Jonghyun tries to hide his blush by shoving a healthier serving of the chocolate cake in his mouth. “He talks about me with you?”
“Among other things. Ever since moving in with you though it’s been Jonghyun this and Jonghyun that. It’s cute, really. I’ve never seen him so invested in anyone before.”
Jonghyun doesn’t know how to respond to that.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yes.” Jonghyun answers because he already knows what Changmin is about to ask. Changmin mistakes this for a response so Jonghyun repeats himself. “Yes. I feel the same way.”
Changmin clamps his mouth shut.
“I don’t understand. I’m not gay though. At least, I never thought I was.”
“Jonghyun.” Changmin uncrosses his legs and leans over the table. “Do you like Taemin because he’s a boy?”
Jonghyun looks over his shoulder, suddenly aware of the people around them. He shakes his head. “No.”
“Why do you like him?”
Jonghyun points the tips of his thumbs together. “Sometimes it’s because he makes me smile. Sometimes it’s because he has a way of occupying my every thought. Sometimes it’s because I’ve never really fought with anyone so… so… passionately before. Most of the time it’s just because I do.”
The corner of Changmin’s lips tug into a simple smile. “So if Taemin were a girl would you still like him?”
“Yes.” Jonghyun answers without hesitation.
Changmin breathes in and allows Jongyhyun a second to realize everything he just said. Jonghyun’s eyes widen seconds later as if an epiphany has just run its course. Changmin is pleased as he leans back in his chair. “Do you understand now?”
I do.
~o~
When Taemin decides to come back to the college he goes straight to Changmin’s café first, running around the counter to give his hyung a hug. Changmin almost lifts him up.
“I got your invitation.” Taemin said after they’ve settled into a booth. It’s a little over 10pm and the café is filing up for the singing showcase later. “I went here first just to make sure I’m not late for it.”
“Taemin!” Jinkis shriek is too obvious, too him to go unnoticed. Kibum covers his ears by the entrance while Jinki all but prances over to Taemin and hugs him like the world is about to end in minutes. “I missed you soooooo~”
“Yeah.” Taemin chuckles. “I missed you too, hyung.”
“REALLY?” Jinki does a good job of crushing Taemin to the point of suffocation. Until Kibum pries Jinki’s hands away and screams at him, “NO, NOT REALLY! HE’S BEIN’ NICE, IDIOT!”
A lot of the students from their school have come to the café, positioning themselves in the garden where two of the waiters were finishing up the designs on the miniature stage. Taemin notices a lot of music majors, some of the people that Jonghyun hangs around with a lot. Then he gets it. “He’s here, isn’t he?”
Changmin doesn’t hide it, Kibum smiles while Jinki densely goes, “I’m right here, Taeminnie. Hyung isn’t going anywhere!”
They join the crowd when 10:30 pm strikes and Taemin’s heart begins an erratic dance in his chest. The first of the singers walks up the stage, Kyuhyun, if Taemin remembers correctly. He pulls one of the organs in place and turns it on, playing a soft melody, a revival of an older song Taemin used to listen to on the radio with his dad.
But moments from now Jonghyun’s going to be up that stage. And there’s this growing feeling inside his chest, something that makes him expect that things are going to change. But he tries to keep himself from entertaining such thoughts because he knows that disappointment isn’t far behind.
As the next performer readies herself to hit the stage a hand falls on Taemin’s shoulder and he spins around to find Yoona smiling at him. They bow at each other and exchange welcomes briefly.
“Did you come for Jonghyun?” She asks and Taemin stiffens. Yoona can only laugh good-naturedly. “Don’t worry about it, Taemin-sshi.”
Taemin asks her about her school and Yoona responds with eager answers, nodding and jabbing Taemin on the sides. Taemin doesn’t notice the third performer until Yoona goes silent and faces the stage, cocking her head to its direction to get Taemin to spin around.
Jonghyun comes out with a guitar and sits on the stool. He turns the lock of the microphone stand, pushing it down a bit lower and Kibum screams, “Short ass” behind his hand while the crowd laughs. Jonghyun throws a death threat at Kibum because he’d know that voice anywhere.
Jonghyun doesn’t look at Taemin for the duration of the performance but he doesn’t have to. Because for one, when he stretches his jacket to run up his elbows Taemin sees the bracelet he bought for Jonghyun hugging his wrist and for two, that song is about him. It starts off without any help from the guitar, just Jonghyun singing in a falsetto voice, I should have known to be careful since the beginning and You’re a quiet fire I can’t put out. Then the chorus comes in along with a pliable strum from the guitar, and Jonghyun’s apologizing and saying, I know now that if I keep being afraid I’ll lose you. I don’t want to lose you.
When the song ends Taemin can’t think straight. He feels guilty somehow and he wonders if anyone else apart from Changmin, Kibum, Jinki and Yoona know that that song is for him. Jonghyun places the guitar beside him as the throngs of people clap and cheer at him for a job well done.
And Jonghyun leaves no more room for confusion. He walks off the stage, arranging the collar of his jacket confidently. He’s walking towards Taemin without looking at him, but all Taemin sees is him. And just as he’s a few inches away he takes Taemin’s hand, tugs it lightly (not that Taemin needs much persuasion in his jello legs) and presses his lips against his. He doesn’t pull away quickly, he lets the feeling linger. He feels the eyes of everyone in the crowd on them with every movement of his mouth, with every breath that he takes with the taste of Taemin on his tongue. And he thinks to himself, this isn’t so bad. The clapping comes to a complete halt and that’s when Jonghyun pulls away from Taemin and smiles when he blushes all pink and embarrassed.
“I love you.” Jonghyun says.
Taemin clings to him, repeatedly thanking him while Jinki faints on the grass and Kibum kicks him awake. ~o~
The dorm room has been cleared out for the semester break and everything except for the pictures pinned on the bulletin board is occupying space. Jonghyun walks closer to the bulletin board and plucks out the pins, gathering the photos in his hands. There’s a small picture of Taemin and him pretending to be asleep. Jonghyun places that one in the clear plastic part of his wallet.
Earlier today before packing, he wrote a letter to his mom explaining how he’s going to spend his semester break with Taemin. He tells her that he knows it’s going to take time and that she can take all the time that she needs until everything is settled. And when she’s ready, he would love nothing more than to introduce Taemin to her.
“Jonghyun.” Taemin enters the room as he tugs his hair free from his ponytail, having loaded the last of his belongings in the taxi.
Jonghyun’s carrying the last of his things, a few pictures and the aquarium with two paper fishes dangling inside. Taemin taps the lid and smiles up at Jonghyun. “How about we fill that up with some real fish when we get to the farm?”
Jonghyun nods, even if he’s fine with the imaginary fish he already has.
“Are you ready to go?”
Jonghyun thinks that life is funny. Every time he sees Taemin he’s reminded of the year that has passed and everything in between and he can’t be more grateful because now he knows what it’s like to feel butterflies in his stomach. He knows how to love selflessly and how to fall without caring.
And it’s all thanks to the boy who he thought was a girl until he killed a cockroach without even flinching. Finally.
He’s ready.
*masterficlist | add me | tumblr
-- final part. inpired by this movie.
important: it has come to my attention that
i might have been a little crass with describing
kibum in this series as "black!kibum" and i do
apologize if i have offended anyone else. what
i want you all to know is that when i was forming
this characterization for kibum, in no way,
shape or form was it with the intention of offending
or celebrating racial stereotypes. i only wanted
a list of unique characters that (in the story) would soon
show much more dimension than who they are
seen as when first introduced. so that's why
kibum, in this story, if presented in a very stereotypical
way and why taemin is the same. i'm not going to
defend myself any further by saying that "i have friends
of all races so i know a thing or two about this" coz that
would just be dumb. and no, i don't have friends like
kibum. just so we're clear. and that's simply because
i live in the philippines so-- i should shut up.in any case,
i would just liketo genuinely apologize to anyone who
might have taken offense to that portion of the story.
jesus. and to think that i thought i was going to get
heat for writing camp 22 :3 ~