We do it all the time, blowing out my mind
We do it all the time, blowing out my mind
pg-15 // jonghyun/key // ~8k w
-- wherein jonghyun and key are constantly at each other's throats.
Kibum prided himself in his demure composure and intellectuality.
But when Kim Jonghyun bounces into their dorm with red rimmed eyes and thousand watt smile reeking of tequila and something sweet (probably a strawberry margarita since he always orders that when he’s drunk but won’t be caught dead with a glass filled with pink, iced goo) and all he says is “Jonghyun, WHAT. THE FUCK?” he doubts himself once again.
“SHINEE FOREVER-“ Jonghyun’s declaration ends up in the linens of the cushions surrounding the couch as Heechul and Kangin drop him from their shoulders, mirth in their eyes while Kibum stands by the sidelines, defiant as ever.
“Real classy, you guys.” Kibum says while Heechul sits on Jonghyun’s ass, Kangin pats Kibum on the shoulder. Kibum slaps his hand away.
“I guess you’ll take it from here.” Kangin is probably just as drunk as Heechul but not as borderline retarded as Jonghyun and Kibum being sober and shaken out of his sleep due to the doorbell is not taking everything in so well.
Minho and Taemin appear from the doorframe of their room, hair a mess and squinting at the light from the living room. They watch as Kibum finds a spatula in the kitchen and swats the two older men out of the dorm. Taemin raises a brow at Minho and nudges his rib with his elbow to nod towards Jonghyun’s struggling form on the couch as he bids his hyungs goodbye.
After having successfully emptied the dorm of two drunks, Kibum spins on his heel, hand still armed with the spatula and abruptly aims it at Taemin and Minho. The duo’s eyes widen as they duck simultaneously as if on cue.
“Bed! The pair of you! Now!” Jonghyun mimics Kibum from behind him while the two gather themselves up and scramble back into the room, clicking the door shut. Jonghyun falls back on the couch as he waits for the world to stop spinning. His boneless form absorbs the shock of the spatula from Kibum’s hand and when he sits upright from the pain as a reflex, his head feels as if it’s split open and the pieces of his brain have wandered about the living room.
“Are you serious right now? Do you know what time we have to be up tomorrow, Jonghyun? Five! What time is it now? Three fifty five! THREE FIFTY FUCKING FIVE!” Kibum shoves the wrist watch hugging his wrist in Jonghyun’s face while Jonghyun squints at it, laughing slightly.
“You wear a wristwatch to bed?”
Kibum’s far from amused. He uses the spatula to swing at Jonghyun’s knee. The sound ricochets off the walls and seeps through the door where Taemin and Minho flinch in their separate beds while Jinki continues to sleep like a log.
When Jonghyun just nurses his knee, Kibum attempts another swat except Jonghyun develops super human reflexes and manages to nab the spatula away from Kibum’s hand. Kibum is briefly shocked, unable to move when Jonghyun rises from the couch and eyes him through half fallen lids. “This.” He raises the spatula to both their eye levels, his breath and droplets of spit collecting on Kibum’s left cheek. Kibum cringes, but doesn’t move. “is not a weapon.”
Jonghyun tosses the spatula to the side and while Kibum is slowly shaking his head he snakes his arms around the small of his back and hauls him over until they both trip onto the couch. Kibum’s knees land on either side of Jonghyun, arms stretching out to maintain distance even with their bodies pressed together. Out of nowhere Jonghyun’s hand skirts up to his face, cupping his cheek and before Kibum can scream at him to let go Jonghyun covers his mouth with his own, swallowing the rest of Kibum’s spiel about Jonghyun being irresponsible and going home late without texting back.
Kibum’s tongue is defenseless against Jonghyun’s prodding one. He’s always been a victim of Kim Jonghyun and everything the boy chooses to be. And Kibum hates that. He hates how much he gives in to Jonghyun more so than anyone else in his life. People don’t know this but Jonghyun has him tied around his finger and it doesn’t bode well for either of them since it’s a ship just waiting to sink. Kibum likes it though. He likes the idea of being pulled down with Jonghyun, crashing into oblivion. Kibum likes the fact that at any moment everything could change and what Jonghyun and he have can snap into something broken and irreversible. He likes the risks that come with every stolen kiss, every mislead smirk and teasing look.
And even right now when Jonghyun tastes bitter and stale, when their teeth knock together and Kibum can’t breathe right, when both their spit is gathering to lather up both their lips, Kibum is disgusted but, motherfucker, does that feel good.
Then Jonghyun shifts underneath him, hands suddenly prying his wrists away from his neck and shoving Kibum off his lap. Kibum plops to the side of the couch, pushing his hand out of his face. Jonghyun lifts himself from the couch and stumbles down on all fours, gathering himself up again only to fall back down on his hands and knees. “Fuck it.” Kibum hears him mumble before he begins crawling in the direction of the hallway.
“Jonghyun, where are you going?”
“My bladder’s stretched to its limit.” He replies without turning his head around, unable to see the scowl forming on Kibum’s face.
Then there are times like these when Jonghyun is just at his lowest. He smells, he can’t get on his own two feet to pee properly, he can’t seem to get his priorities straight and he’s a shitty drunk. Kibum doesn’t know what to make of all of it. This sudden modification of his life to fit into someone else’s. It’s unhealthy at best, what he has with Jonghyun and the worst part is he doesn’t even know what they are exactly.
They’ve talked about it once, around the time when they first kissed. It was dark on the rooftop of the training building, no soul in sight. Jinki told Kibum about the rooftop, about how quiet it was up there. And even though he always felt slightly guilty for stealing something of Jinki’s as private as a place of solitude, he needed the space. And maybe he liked the look on Jonghyun’s face when he first brought him up there.
What Kibum tries to comprehend more than anything is that electricity that comes with every simple brush of skin whenever it’s Jonghyun. It’s something that developed overtime the more that they got to know each other and it’s something that Kibum never quite regarded as an issue until one night when Jonghyun asked him if he was gay one fine night on the rooftop and they’ve been friends for two years so Kibum can’t really say that he’s out of line, slap him and leave. Was he gay?
He shakes his head then, looking up at the night sky and rethinking. He thinks that girls are beautiful and soft and the kind of company that makes him… comfortable. Guys are different. Guys are awkward and too straightforward and there’s just no filter with them.
And Jonghyun was a guy. In every sense of the word. Without even thinking he catches Kibum’s lips and they’re surprisingly soft, nothing too harsh like the angles of Jonghyun’s face that Kibum finds misplaced sometimes.
Then the next morning, a rumor spread out that he’s gay and that he likes to give head. A lot.
Kibum can’t remember a time before the anger boiling up in his chest then, the thoughts rushing through his head. What is his grandmother finds out? What if his mom finds out? What if the head of the company kicks him out for a crime he never committed?
The first time in the same day that he sees Jonghyun he takes his hand and hauls him to the elevator and as soon as the doors shut Kibum screams at Jonghyun with every profanity in the Korean and English language that he knows off. Jonghyun practically huddles in a corner as Kibum tosses him question after question, the same shit he’s been wondering himself and before they reach floor nine he ends everything with a strict, “You better fix this, or I’ll make sure that you get kicked out of this company before me, I swear to God!”
He doesn’t speak to Jonghyun for two weeks and the rumors don’t die down nor do they worsen. Jonghyun tried calling him a few times, most of which just went straight to voicemail. He leaves a couple of messages containing how sorry he is and how sensitive Kibum is being and KIBUM, I’M SORRY IT JUST SLIPPED OUT OKAY. And then there’s a message amidst all of it that comes at around ten in the evening, just as Kibum’s about to board the elevator. I’m on the roof. I miss you.
Kibum’s legs jog for the fire escape even when every fiber of his body is aching with hours of practice. It’s not just that he wants to go home, he needs to go home. Instead he’s sprinting on the rooftop and landing in Jonghyun’s arms, and not pulling away when Jonghyun brushes his hair away and kisses him under the night sky.
The week after, Jonghyun meets Yuri and Yoona for the first time and lets them in on their little group. Soon the foursome is seen eating lunch together and leaving the building together and the rumors begin to slide away completely.
That has been how it was for years even after they debuted. Explaining things to the rest of the members wasn’t easy. They’re together but not really. Kibum’s into Jonghyun but not really. Jonghyun will sleep with Kibum sometimes but sneak into his bed afterwards. It’s just one of those things. And they’ve been fighting fire with fire ever since.
Kibum rubs his tummy where an ache is beginning to accumulate as he follows Jonghyun to the bathroom. Jonghyun misses his aim for the toilet a few times, causing Kibum to go off again especially when Jonghyun didn’t wash his hands after.
Kibum brings Jonghyun back on the couch since the upper bunk isn’t going to lower itself to accommodate him. He takes Jonghyun’s shoes off while Jonghyun grumbles on one of the cushions, something about being cold. Kibum leaves briefly and comes back with a comforter, the one Jonghyun’s sister sent him left untouched in the closet.
Kibum takes a minute to stare at Jonghyun, watch as the boy slobbers all over the comforter, eyes closed. And he thinks that he’s an idiot.
As he’s about to turn away Jonghyun catches his wrist and whispers something about a wedding proposal. Kibum threatens to cut all of his fingers off if he doesn’t let go.
~o~
Kibum starts off his day all groggy after having slept for only thirty minutes the previous night. Jonghyun is still on the couch despite many nudges and kicks that he’s already garnered from the Taemin, Minho and Kibum. Jinki doesn’t mind. He just wants to get to the part where he isn’t sleepy anymore.
They’re all in the kitchen apart from Jonghyun and Kibum shouts from the table, a countdown for Jonghyun to get his ass in the kitchen before Kibum dumps hot, steaming chigae on him.
Jonghyun gets up from all the screaming, swaying to the bathroom with his head in his hands. He ends up not eating anything for breakfast.
After a quick shower they all hop in the van where their manager is greeting them good morning from the front seat. He hands them the sheet containing their schedule for the new week and Taemin pouts at the lack of breaks in between radio and TV recordings.
The first schedule of the day is a morning show where all of them are requested to be interviewed together. Kibum realizes that it’s almost like a play button has been stuck to his head, meant to be hit along with the record button of the cameras the moment the producer says action.
He feels the weight of his eye bags even more with concealer spread across his skin but he catches glimpses of himself on the monitor every time he answers a question or just to capture a reaction out of him and he thinks it’s worth it since his skin looks so porcelain-like.
Jonghyun focuses on him whenever he explains the same things that he’s said before, the same answers that he’s rehearsed before the actual interview and Kibum’s eyes seem to automatically lead to his in between sentences. He always ends his answers with a smile that Jonghyun matches with an even brighter streak. It’s disarming.
After that they have a fansign event to attend to be hosted at the Ritz. The reporters are layering the doors, fans lined up before them at the entrance so the members have to sneak in the back where hotel staff in maroon and white greet them with enthusiasm. The make up and hair team work together for touch ups, caking it up even more since cameras will be flashing.
They are granted an hour and half for lunch that they spend in the conference room of the hotel. Jonghyun manages to eat half of Kibum’s turkey sandwich before giving up and just resting his head on his arms folded over the table. Minho offers Jonghyun some of his sweet and sour pork with rice but Jonghyun denies the offer with a simple wave of his hand, his head still on the table, unmoving. “I’ll probably just puke it out anyway.”
The next schedule requires for SHINee to split up in twos and threes, respectively Jonghyun and Minho, and Taemin, Kibum and Jinki. While Jonghyun and Minho attend a recording for a television radio show the rest are off for the filming of Star King which will mostly take up the rest of the afternoon, leaving the two members a dinner break around seven while the trio can rest when filming is over.
They have practice at ten sharp so they have to be at the studio before then just to make sure. Jonghyun texts Kibum during the commercial break and Kibum doesn’t get to read it until after filming.
Do you wanna have dinner just the two of us? Before practice?
Kibum bites the inside of his lips instead of smiles since he knows what that will look like to other people. He replies something vague like, “Sure, whatever. What time?” and shuts his phone, placing it in his pocket as he asks for a make up remover facial tissue from one of the make up noonas.
~o~
It’s almost one in the morning when Kibum locks himself in the bathroom near the kitchen. Jonghyun’s beating the door up while Taemin calls dibs on the bathroom in their room, Minho surfs for something good to eat in the kitchen and Jinki just lies on the couch, flipping through channels lazily.
“Kibum, what the hell? I didn’t see your text until I finished the show!”
Kibum closes the lid of the toilet, settles himself on the surface and holds his head in his hands. He doesn’t know what he’s doing either to be honest. He’s acting like a girl. A very annoying one. Just because Jonghyun doesn’t reply nor goes through with his plan of them eating together. It was just completely off the mark, the whole plan, to begin with and it’s none of their faults. But Kibum can’t help but blame Jonghyun for some reason. It’s just the way he’s wired now, he figures.
“I was cutting my nails, Kibum! What was I supposed to do? Text you while cutting my-you know what, fucking fine then! I’ll fucking text you amidst the nail cutting. I don’t fucking care! I’ll do it! Just get out of the bathroom, come on!”
Kibum cracks his neck from where he’s sitting. “Shut up.” Kibum says more to himself than to anyone else.
“Kibum, open the fucking door!” Jonghyun receives no response even as he pounds the door even harder. “Don’t make me do something stupid.”
Kibum snorts, “As if you need my help for that.”
The pounding stops and Kibum takes a deep breath. Until Jonghyun rams into the door and the locks and hinges crack just a smidge. Kibum’s shock sends him to stand on his feet, hands pressed against his chest as he watches the door slowly give in until Jonghyun breaks it down with his shoulder. The door swings open and hits the adjacent wall with a crash, Jonghyun stumbling inside before patting his shirt down, his expression reading, “that’s right, bitch! I just broke the door down.”
Kibum stares at the swinging door, the creak of the metal obvious as the screws loosen even more. Jinki is unbothered, by the television, Taemin is still in the bathroom while Minho jogs towards the bathroom, spots the door, observes Jonghyun and Kibum standing face to face as they indulge in some intense staring contest and finally decides that he wants no part in this.
He retreats to the living room and sits on the floor next to the couch Jinki is currently occupying.
“Why’d you do that?” Kibum gestures for the door, disbelief drawn on his delicate features.
Jonghyun defensively plants his hands on his waist. “To try to get to you! Why the fuck else would I break down a goddamn door?”
“Because ninety-nine percent of the time you have your head up your ass?” Kibum pushes past Jonghyun to leave the bathroom while Jonghyun trots behind him.
“Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time?” Jonghyun catches the door of the closet before Kibum gets a chance to slam it in his face.
“Can we not right now? I’m tired, Jjong.”
“And I’m not?” Jonghyun walks in and shuts the door, their screams now muffled from the other side. “I haven’t had a decent meal yet this whole day, my throat is dry and yet here I am having another argument because of something so petty. I mean, if it meant that much to you I’ll make you dinner!”
“It’s not about fucking dinner!”
Jonghyun’s eyes are so wide they look as if they’re about to jump out from its sockets at any moment. “What the-what is this about then? It’s always a different story with you!”
“It’s about you never sticking to your promises!”
“Promises?!” Jonghyun’s hands fly in the air to get his point across. “I never promised you dinner. I never promised you anything, Key. I suggested dinner and we lucked out. That’s it. Why is this such a big deal?”
Kibum fixes his stare at the lined up sweaters behind Jonghyun, exhaustion clinging to his bones. It wasn’t a big deal. He just didn’t know how to tell Jonghyun that he sucks. He can’t find it in himself to just look Jonghyun in the eye and say he’s sorry. He can’t do that. And he knows that Jonghyun isn’t anywhere near sorry either. “Are you done?”
“What?”
“Are you done screaming at me now?”
“Kibum.”
There’s a percentage of Kibum, the part that Jonghyun holds outside of his logic, that makes him want to just melt into Jonghyun’s arms and forget about the whole thing. He hasn’t had that many regrets in life to begin with but whatever regrets he has it all has to do with the words he’s said and things he’s done to Jonghyun. “I have to go to bed.”
“Kibum.” Jonghyun tries again, loosely clutching Kibum’s wrist. Kibum tugs it away without much effort, walking out of the closet and turning the light off, leaving Jonghyun (literally and figuratively) in the dark.
~o~
The next day starts off a little later in the morning allowing Kibum to cook a meal for his members as opposed to ordering something from the deli downstairs. Taemin reads out the speech that they have to give out for the charity event scheduled for them on the table. Jinki’s eating the rest of his egg and fried rice on the floor in front of the television while Minho corrects Taemin’s pronunciation of the name of the charity event. Jonghyun walks in after finally having showered for the day, scratching his tummy from underneath his shirt.
He squeezes in between Taemin and Minho huddled close, swinging an arm around the youngest and peering at the script for himself, inconspicuously observing Kibum moving about the kitchen in his periphery.
“Kibum, can you make mine scrambled?” Jonghyun requests without looking up. Kibum takes the pan from the stove and shoves it in the sink.
“Kitchen’s closed.”
Jonghyun looks up then along with Taemin and Minho. The tension in the kitchen intensifies, allowing Taemin and Minho to exchange “here we go again” looks. “Kibum, come on.”
“You should’ve gotten up early.”
Jonghyun stares at his back disbelievingly. It’s early in the morning. He doesn’t want to fight. And he knows that even if he had woken up at the crack of fucking dawn that day Kibum wouldn’t prepare him any eggs, scrambled or otherwise. He turns to Taemin and asks, “Are you gonna finish this?”
“If either of you give him any food you’re not getting breakfast for the next week.” Kibum says again as he begins scrubbing the pan clean.
Jonghyun cracks his neck while Taemin tenders a look of apology.
Jonghyun smiles and squeezes his shoulder, tossing Kibum’s back a glare before grabbing a box of cereal from the cupboard and walking over to the living room where Jinki is doing a good job of blocking the television screen.
~o~
One of the things that Kibum likes the most about being an idol is photo shoots.
The theme of today’s photo shoot is comfort. They have to model a pair of jeans and be as casual as possible. Taemin is still getting his make up done with Jinki, and Minho is somewhere in the studio, maybe playing soccer for all Kibum knows. The last Kibum saw Jonghyun was after they had their make up done and Jonghyun was fiddling with one of the coordi noona’s laptop, laughing at something he saw on the monitor.
Kibum wanders off on the set and finds a ladder left in front of the white background screen. It kind of reminds him of school and ID pictures, the days when he would dress up and try to get his hair right just to make sure his photo for the rest of the year doesn’t come out weird. He contemplates his days at school, his days as a trainee and he thinks that he’s being a complete hypocrite to Jonghyun right now.
But the thing with Kibum is he’d rather be mad at him than admit that he hates that Jonghyun is starting to gain more friends and less time with just the two of them.
Kibum steps on the ladder until he reaches the fourth step, eyeing the sea of staff and cameras before him. It’s a kingdom of technology and glamour and Kibum isn’t really much of anything in it, just an accessory. He searches the sea of people for Jonghyun even if he doesn’t mean to. Then he finds the boy he is looking for looking up at him from the other side of the ladder, a small smirk forming on the one corner of his lips.
“Can I come up?”
Kibum takes out a fist and Jonghyun doesn’t misunderstand but acts like he does. He wraps his fingers around Kibum’s fist and just as he expects Kibum shakes his hand away. “Rock, paper, scissors.”
Jonghyun complies and beats Kibum three times, only a step away from being on the same stair level. He’d think that Kibum is letting him win but there’s no way to do that. The moment he makes it to the final step he whispers in Kibum’s ear, asking if he’s still mad.
Kibum fights the urge to push Jonghyun off the ladder. He considers it but takes it back since he doesn’t want to cause a stir simply because his breathing can’t keep up with his pulse. He looks at Jonghyun through his lashes before shaking his head, nipping at his bottom lip.
~o~
Jonghyun’s watching the monitor from backstage of the studio, the performances on stage are beginning rather splendidly what with all the fire and smoke and girls in unfinished clothing. He settles on the couch beside Kyuhyun, engaging in a conversation about yesterday’s activities and which of the girl groups are most probably going to be on the next cover of Elle.
Kibum walks over the moment Kyuhyun is called over for a dry rehearsal and Jonghyun is pretty much alone. He plops next to Jonghyun, using his pinky to rearrange his hair spray stiff hair. Jonghyun acknowledges him with a quick smile before returning his attention to the screen.
“So what do you think?” Kibum asks. Jonghyun spares him second long glances, his eyes bouncing from the screen to Kibum’s questioning stare.
“About what?” He’s half sure that Kibum means the new song Kara is singing along with the dance that’s all hips and thighs. He’s about to say that it’s pretty sexy in the hopes of Kibum learning it along with the many girl group dances he already knows by heart, maybe have him perform it later for him in an outfit of his choice. Jonghyun clears his throat uncomfortably at the thought, running his tongue across his bottom lip guiltily.
“About my eyebrows.”
“What?” Jonghyun finally turns to Kibum, puzzlement in his eyes.
Kibum wiggles his not-so-different-from-before eyebrows at Jonghyun and Jonghyun already knows that this might be a trap of sorts.
“What about your eyebrows?” It’s like after having fought with Kibum for as long as he has, he’s been able to develop this sixth sense that allows him a premonition of their fights before they actually happen. He gets these chills in the back of his neck and a wallowing pang in his stomach before the fights occur and it’s no different from now. Because Kibum’s lips are already showing the beginnings of an oncoming scowl.
“Do they look bad?”
“I. Wha-Kibum. They’re eyebrows. I don’t really know what to say.”
“So, they look bad?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Do they look any different?”
“What, your eyebrows?”
Kibum’s scowl develops into something more twisted now, unattractively so. “No, my nose, I’m asking you if it grew flowers yet, fuck, you’re an idiot.”
Jonghyun is left on the couch, unable to stop Kibum when he heads for the hallway. When he looks back at the monitor all he sees are pairs of thick haired eyebrows on hosts and artists and he curses at them.
~o~
When Jonghyun needs coffee he goes at night. And he usually takes Kibum with him but seeing as Kibum’s fast asleep and the very sight of him kind of makes Jonghyun’s blood boil, he nudges Taemin awake instead.
“Hyu-“ Taemin turns in his bed and Jonghyun clamps his mouth shut with his palm curled across Taemin’s mouth. He presses a forefinger to his own mouth to emphasize Taemin’s needed silence. Taemin nods sleepily that he understands and follows Jonghyun out of the room.
The heater doesn’t work outside of their room so when they step out Taemin yawns and rubs his left arm with his right hand while Jonghyun jumps around a few times and keeps his hands in the pockets of his pajama bottoms.
“What, what?” Taemin asks with one eye cracked open.
“I’m gonna take a drive. You should come with.”
“And have Kibum hyung scream my head off later? No thank you.” Taemin’s about to spin on his heel and head back to the room when Jonghyun catches the crook of his elbow and pouts.
“Kibum will never know.”
“Now I just feel wrong.”
“I need to get out of here.”
“Then ask hyung out.”
“He’s kind of the reason I want to leave. Just for a few hours though. Nothing drastic. Come on. I’ll buy you French onion Lays.”
Taemin’s eyes evidently open up at the mention of the bribery, his mouth watering. “And Coke.”
“Whatever.” Jonghyun fishes his hand around in his pocket to make sure he has his wallet in there then smiles.
“I’ll just grab my jacket.”
With the newly bought chips and bottle of Coke, they rest in one of the triangular spaces of the merry go round situated in a park bordering the Han river. Jonghyun kicks at the ground lightly with his sneakers to spin the merry go round faintly while Taemin twists the cap of the Coke bottle open.
Jonghyun remembers nights like these, when he would just walk out of his dormitory room as a Trainee with Taemin and they would walk to wherever. Things were a little different now what with having to go out at night so as not to be discovered and crowded by the public and the upgrade of finally having a car, granting them an extension to their desired destinations.
Taemin has this habit of dipping the French onion chips in his coke, says it makes the flavors more colorful. Jonghyun thinks it’s the little quirks that make Taemin tick the right way.
“He’s gonna freak when he finds out. You know that, right?” Bits of the soggy chips fly from Taemin’s mouth through the bar separating them.
“Taemin. The guy freaks out over spaghetti sauce on the cushions.”
“In all fairness, I don’t want to live in a tomato sauce stained dorm either. We might be boys but we should live like gentlemen.”
Jonghyun makes a face that Taemin laughs at because he knows that that’s something Kibum would totally say to them. Except with a few minor extravagant adjustments.
“You know hyung. I kind of get why you hate him so much.”
“Yeah?”
Taemin nods as he reaches in the orange plastic bag for another chip. “You always hate the ones you love the most.”
Jonghyun laughs partly because he’s stalling for time and Taemin’s giving him a knowing look that sends him on edge.
“And judging by the way he treats you. I think hyung loves you a lot more than you think.” Taemin finishes.
Jonghyun considers this, the fights that Kibum picks, the fights that he picks; it’s all so childish and half of them he doesn’t remember the origin off. All he remembers are the middles of the fights, the part where they can’t wait to one up one another in screaming matches, the part where they begin and end every sentence with the word fuck, the part where he’s contemplating whether or not this is the right time to walk out. Jonghyun never believed in love at first sight. He still doesn’t. He thinks that there is a lot of time and effort that needs to be stuffed in building emotions stable enough to prove a relationship valid. And he thinks that of all the people he’s been in love with (or something uncannily akin to it) Kibum is the worst candidate.
But in a whole other sense, Kibum’s perfect.
“Sometimes I think we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or just waiting until someone finally admits that he’s broken.”
Taemin gives a half shrug amidst his pursed lips, pushing the chips in his mouth around and chewing loudly. “Are you broken?”
He’s scraped and bruised from Kibum’s words, from days when Kibum would purposefully destroy him and try to hurt him. He’s scarred from the memories of Kibum calling him unworthy and shouting questions at him like, “WHY THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING THIS?” even when he knows that Jonghyun will never be able to answer that. “Not any more so than he is.”
“Why’d you say that?”
“Because no person can be that dreadful and not need fixing.”
“You’re not fixing him though.”
“Yeah, because that’s impossible, Taem. The blind can’t lead the blind.”
“Hold on.” Taemin stretches his neck from having kept it in a sideways turn to meet Jonghyun’s eyes. “This conversation is getting too mature for me.”
Jonghyun stifles a laugh by biting on his bottom lip, eyes crinkling despite himself as he reaches through the space of the bar and pinches Taemin’s side. Taemin’s knee jerks, nearly spilling the Coke over had he not gracefully caught it with both his hands.
When they return to the dorm the rest of the members are still sound asleep and Jonghyun surprises himself by falling asleep the moment his head hits the pillow. Just thinking about Kibum and the things he could have said if he ever found out that he snuck out again was exhausting.
~o~
Kibum’s calm, milky skin is painted with faint shades of pink caused by Jonghyun’s touches, by his mouth and by his words. They fit into each other, dressing each other down hurriedly in the backseat of Jonghyun’s car. They have to make it before the sky breaks for sun to spill light through, before the darkness disappears from the sky, no longer willing to help them conceal the truth.
Kibum twists and shifts in Jonghyun’s arms, now positioned on top of him with his limbs stretched to cage Jonghyun, as if Jonghyun would choose to be somewhere else. He breathes in the scent of coconuts off Kibum’s hair, the expensive cocoa milk body wash he lathers on religiously, but he tastes nothing like he smells, just bland, soft terrains of skin, eager and warm to the touch.
Kibum takes Jonghyun’s length in his palms, giving it a few strokes just to get a response out of Jonghyun. Jonghyun offers a faint groan in the back of his throat, allows it to float into Kibum’s ears, allow him the satisfaction of knowing that he drives Jonghyun up the wall. Kibum positions the dull end to connect to the ring of his entrance, lifting himself with the help of his hamstring muscles. He licks his lips, eyes cast down at Jonghyun’s, before lowering himself on Jonghyun and swallowing his length in a blanket of incredible warmth. Jonghyun imprints his fingertips on Kibum’s hips, angry red marks to bruise and ache, maybe leave Kibum with a memory as opposed to a dream. Both boys moan at the wave of pleasure, the crash of overwhelming emotions, welling. Kibum leans forward, palms flat on either side of Jonghyun’s head as he rolls his hips. Jonghyun meets the gestures when Kibum tortures him slowly. He lowers Kibum down until they’re chest to chest, Kibum’s cock sliding between their abdomens, breaths staining each other’s cheeks.
Jonghyun loves this. He loves every moment of this. Every moan he elicits out of Kibum, every arch and fuck yes, just like that Jjong he commits to a part of his mind that even he is shameful for knowing the existence off. He knows that when he’s alone he’ll think of Kibum, remember the colors he creates on Kibum’s canvas, the music and rhythm they compose in an hour of lovemaking, the kind of art that only he and Kibum can be the artists of.
Jonghyun grips the back of Kibum’s neck and now they’re cheek to cheek, and Jonghyun has known for a while now, but he’s never said anything directly. Just as he’s about to come undone he whispers it softly in Kibum’s ear, three words that they’ve been hiding from for years.
~o~
Kibum’s voice cracks once during the performance last night and no more than thirty seconds later it ends up on every KPOP news site as well as video uploading site.
Jinki’s been patting his back since last night, saying that he’s going to never hear the end of it from their vocal coach anyway so he might as well cut him some slack, Minho’s been searching the internet for all of Kibum’s videos, amazed at the netizens for creating remixes of it already, Taemin hits Minho repeatedly because can’t you see that he’s having a hard enough time as it is? A little decency, hyung, damn! while Jonghyun… Jonghyun just stays quiet. And this bothers Kibum.
Because usually, when a mistake during a live performance has been done by any of the members he’s in the front seat of the mistakes in your face concert and Jinki is always the one who tries to give advice solemnly after Jonghyun has had enough nostril flaring for one day.
They have practice in a few hours. Kibum decides to get ready. He walks into their shared room and finds Jonghyun on the solo bed, writing something in his journal with his earplugs on. Kibum considers leaving but then decides against it because he’s being petty again. But he kind of hates Jonghyun right now. Maybe because he doesn’t know what Jonghyun’s deal is.
Jonghyun looks up from his journal and finds Kibum entering the room without acknowledging him. Jonghyun’s iPod plays a song that’s upbeat and he finds it slightly amusing how Kibum’s movements, as he rummages through his closet for a new set of sweats and a shirt, coincide perfectly with the beat of the song.
Jonghyun foolishly considers the possibility that Kibum is doing it on purpose. But they aren’t that close to be one yet, are they? It’s not like they’re connected to the point where when Jonghyun hears something through his earplugs, Kibum can hear it as well. But he thinks it would be pretty cool if that were the case.
Kibum leaves the room with his clothes while Jonghyun follows him out with his stare, landing back to his journal where he writes down how he thinks that Kibum is making him believe in soulmates.
~o~
Jonghyun escorts Taemin outside of the dorm. Taemin leaves for school with a wink because he knows that Jinki left hours ago for the recording studio, Minho is out watching a soccer game with his brother and Kibum doesn’t have any schedules until six thirty in the afternoon, leaving him to enjoy a magazine in the bedroom.
Jonghyun opens the door to their room in a fashionable style, pushing it open and immediately placing his hands behind his back to make it seem as if he kicked the door open. Kibum jumps almost from the top bunk, the magazine in his hands flipping two pages forward. He narrows his eyes at Jonghyun’s beaming smile before flipping the pages back.
Jonghyun walks into the room, trying to be cute, and his hands remaining behind his back. He crawls on Jinki’s bed and pulls himself up to share Kibum’s bed space. Kibum slides to the left unwillingly, rolling his eyes while trying his best to ignore Jonghyun.
Jonghyun relaxes in his spot next to Kibum, their hips bumping. He almost knocks Kibum’s temple when he places his hands behind his head, scooching a bit closer until their legs touch.
“I read somewhere that spontaneity is a recipe in the bedroom that must never be forgotten.” Jonghyun muses, his eyes directed at the ceiling.
Kibum suppresses a smirk as he turns to the next page. “You do know that by saying that I know exactly what you’re planning.”
“Do you?” Jonghyun plucks the magazine from Kibum’s hands and before he can protest Jonghyun languidly tosses it over his shoulder and pounces on Kibum with a victory cry. “Bet you didn’t expect that one.”
“Jjong, I was reading that-“ Jonghyun covers Kibum’s lips, tilting his head to get a better angle. Kibum’s hands curl into fists, pushing at Jonghyun’s shoulders. Jonghyun trails his lips downward, hands on Kibum’s face and Kibum, with his eyes screwed shut, finally manages to push Jonghyun’s weight off him. But he misconstrues his strength and Jonghyun ends up falling on Jinki’s bed, next to the abandoned magazine.
“Ow, what the fuck?”
Kibum jumps down on the same bed, stepping over Jonghyun to bend over his magazine and pick it up. He rolls the magazine in his hands and hops off the bed. “Shut up, you big baby. You fell on a bed, not a pool of nails.”
“What-did you run out of tampons or something? Jesus, Kibum.” Jonghyun sits up while Kibum crosses his arms and already they both feel the switch in the mood.
“Jonghyun, I have five hours, maximum, to myself and that’s a rare occasion in a month to be alone. I live in a dorm, not a house, a motherfucking dorm with four boys who can’t remember to pick the towel up from the floor or even flush from time to time and to top it all off, I have a boyfriend who thinks that falling on a mattress is the leap of faith! Fuck off.”
Kibum tosses the magazine on the floor in his haste, no longer able to see past whatever fire was beginning to infiltrate his insides. He spins around viciously, ready to leave the room when Jonghyun’s meek voice comes into play, small but audible. “Boyfriend?”
Kibum halts, his skin suddenly dropping in temperature, the fire that was once there immediately being put out. His lips part, cold sweat beading up on his hairline and he’s lightheaded from all of the things he just said. He needs to sit down. He walks out anyway and Jonghyun follows.
Kibum drops on the couch, clutching at his forehead when Jonghyun reaches him, standing before him with his hands on his waist. “Did you just call me your boyfriend?”
“I don’t.” Kibum’s fingers move to his mouth. He feels like peeling his flesh off, be inside out literally as much as he already is. “I didn’t-“
“Kibum.” Jonghyun kneels. His hands stretch out to touch Kibum somehow because he looks so closed off. He decides against in midway, resting his hands on the floor instead. “It’s okay.”
Kibum looks up, blinking, as if he’s still trying to figure everything out. And Jonghyun can only imagine the mechanics of that brain of his, working a mile a minute. “I. I. I didn’t mean it.”
“We can talk about this. You know that, right?”
“We already did.”
“What, when we were sixteen?” Jonghyun rests his weight on his calves, using one of his hands to rake through his hair. “That wasn’t even a talk. That was just. Us being young and not knowing what we were doing.”
“We still don’t.”
“I think I do, Kibum.” Jonghyun voices carefully. “I think. I think it’s only right. That. That we. We-“
“Right?” Kibum says it like he’s rejecting the word. He straightens up, leaning on the frame of the couch, away from Jonghyun. “I’m not an obligation.”
“That’s not what I meant. Why do you keep doing that?”
“Doing what, you said it.” Kibum’s already raising his voice without noticing.
“Yeah.” Jonghyun nods, back on his knees. “Yeah, I did say it. Then you processed it and somehow twisted it into something completely different.”
“Don’t make this about me twisting your words!”
“I will when you stop making it about me being an insensitive prick all the time! Fuck!” Jonghyun’s hair is a mess now under his hand, the strands separating and falling to his eyes. Jonghyun stands up, fixing his hair back to decency but fails for the most part. He aims for the bowl of keys situated on the coffee table and fishes for his car keys. He takes them and places them in his pocket, now moving towards the door.
“Where are you going?”
Jonghyun answers by slamming the door to their apartment, padding down the hall to the elevator.
~o~
Just as Jonghyun’s about to back out of the parking spot, the passenger seat’s door is being pulled open and Kibum is sinking into the car seat and buckling up without looking at Jonghyun.
Jonghyun stares at his profile, his one hand on the backrest of Kibum’s seat since he was in the middle of backing up. He notices how Kibum, even in all of this drama, still managed to change his shirt and don a pair of sunglasses to make sure he doesn’t get noticed.
“Put your seatbelt on.” Kibum says as he stares forward.
~o~
Jonghyun and Kibum end up in Jonghyun’s old high school. It’s empty for the summer and the gates have never been too high for Jonghyun to climb up on. He parks and turns the engine off, steps out of the car while Kibum follows silently. The gates of the school have been chained as expected and the area surrounding it is pretty much deserted apart from a few cars dashing singularly through the road. Jonghyun walks around the school to get to the back where the fence decreases in height and is nearer to the soccer field.
Just before the gate he spins around to face Kibum who now has his sunglasses clipped on the collar of his shirt. He nods towards the gate and positions himself to give Kibum a boost. Kibum smirks smugly and ignores Jonghyun’s offer, gripping at the bars of the fence just to validate their stability before taking one foot and hoisting himself up without Jonghyun’s help.
Kibum’s the first to make it to the other side. He takes a few steps forward and takes note of the field, the wind bellowing in the background to blanket them with a summer breeze in contrast to the heat of the sun. Jonghyun walks past Kibum to the racks holding the net containing the soccer balls. He tests each one in his hands to see which one is fully aired.
He finally finds a ball that he is satisfied with and lets it fall on the ground, kicking it around to the center of the field while Kibum watches by the stands.
“Come here.” Jonghyun says from the center of the field, one foot on the ball.
“Why?”
Jonghyun breathes. “Because I said so.”
Kibum’s gaze drops to his feet. What Kibum believes is that they both can do so much better. With them it’s always just been a question of choice. And here they are, in a soccer field going from point a to point b, choosing to stay as opposed to leaving.
Kibum reaches Jonghyun in the center and ducks when Jonghyun tosses the ball up with his feet. Kibum never knew that he could do that. He knew that Jonghyun liked to play soccer when he was younger; he knows that the reason why Jonghyun’s skin isn’t as fair as it once was is because it was fried under the sun from all those childhood years of running around and marinating in his own sweat. Maybe Minho taught him that trick. Maybe he learned it all on his own. He wants to ask but there’s a part of him that just wants to guess because he thinks he knows Jonghyun that well. He knows every scar of Jonghyun’s body, he knows which words to use and how to phrase them when he wants to make Jonghyun cry all gross and snotty, and he knows how to make Jonghyun moan, which spots and planes of skin needs licking and kissing the most.
Jonghyun takes the ball in his hands and tosses it to Kibum. Kibum catches it, surprising the both of them since he was positioned in mid duck, ready to just fall on the ground and roll away.
“Right here.” Jonghyun says. “This is where I got sent out of the field for head butting the opposing team’s team captain.”
Kibum can’t help the smile that draws on his lips, the crinkle surrounding his eyes as he pictures it. “Did he deserve it?”
“He, uhh,” Jonghyun scratches his nape. “He called me a midget.”
“What happened to soccer?”
“Shit got personal.”
They both laugh at that. Kibum kind of wishes he was there, maybe shove ten of these soccer balls down the team captain’s throat.
“I was pissed. Even afterwards. And I had dreams of the team captain falling in a ditch over and over again because I pushed him. I was violent kid.” Jonghyun takes a few steps back, the tip of his tongue bulking up the side of his cheek. “I don’t get mad very often. So every time that I do I have no fucking clue how to handle it.”
Kibum places the ball down on the ground. He feels as if he’s shrinking in his spot. “Jonghyun-“
“Do me a favor?” Kibum looks up expectantly. “Kick the ball this way.”
Kibum kicks the ball hesitantly and it ends up rolling to Jonghyun’s side. Jonghyun laughs at him for it and catches ball, hopping over it and kicking it towards the goal. Kibum doesn’t know if he should run and block Jonghyun.
Jonghyun ends up shooting the ball to the goal, the material of the net bouncing back to accommodate the pressure of the ball rolling back. Jonghyun sticks his hands up in the air and screams GOAL at the top of his lungs. He runs around until he reaches Kibum, circling around him a few feet away while Kibum rolls his eyes and whispers, “retard.” in a much lower tone.
Jonghyun, after having lost his breath, retrieves the ball in his hands and stays by the goal. The distance between them seems appropriate. Kibum always feels this far even when they’re resting in one bunk, even when they’re inhabiting each other’s skin.
“Why can’t we just be together?” Jonghyun shouts from his side and Kibum’s hands fly out to gesture for him to shut up.
“Are you crazy? What if someone hears us? Shut up-“
“No!” Jonghyun shouts back. “Not until we finally talk about this! The right way. We’re probably just gonna end up screaming at each other anyway so we might as well start it off that way.”
“We’re together all the time.” Kibum lamely replies after a considerable pause and Jonghyun groans in his spot.
“You know what I mean, Kibum. I think we need each other.”
“I think you have brain damage!”
“Maybe!”
“I just.” Kibum says as he wrings his hands together. He’s concentrating on his palms flexing together that he doesn’t notice Jonghyun walking towards him. “We can’t stand each other sometimes. I mean-“
Jonghyun tosses the ball again and it hits Kibum’s knee. Kibum flinches and looks up until he finally sees Jonghyun no more than a few feet away now.
He’s stunned in his place and can’t seem to do much else when Jonghyun presses their lips together and holds his cheek close. He smells a bit like sweat and the old cologne he never changed since high school. Kibum clutches onto Jonghyun’s wrists, eyes closed as he parts his lips and allows Jonghyun to massage his tongue with his. There’s bile rising in his throat and he can’t really breathe but there are times, very rare occasions such as this one, when breathing becomes secondary. So he doesn’t mind it.
When they finally separate Kibum is lightheaded. His eyes flutter open and he finds Jonghyun smiling at him like he’s shy. When Jonghyun’s hand branches up to push strands of Kibum’s hair away Kibum’s hand follows since he’s still clinging to Jonghyun’s wrist.
“I know this won’t end.” Jonghyun whispers. “I know that we’ll still fight about everything we can think of. But I don’t care. As long as. As long as you- you know that I-“
Kibum releases Jonghyun’s wrist to pat Jonghyun’s lips, silence him, and nods. “I know.” Kibum snakes his arms around Jonghyun, his heart pounding a hundred beats per second. “I-yeah. Me too.”
~o~
The next night that they all have free Jinki buys a bottle of vodka and about twelve Heinekens, holding them in his arms as he trots up the stairs and bursts into their dorm.
“I’m gonna be the new MC for Music Core!” He raises one of the six bottle racks up and Kibum automatically gets up from his seat near the television to help Jinki for fear of him breaking anything.
They circle the coffee table and play a drinking game called 3, 6, 9, laughing at each other and drinking into the night. Taemin calls them all a bad influence before passing out on the kitchen table, Minho plays a video game while mumbling ghetto phrases to himself, Jinki takes two Heinekens and hugs them like a teddy bear as he sleeps while Kibum is missing. And Jonghyun is confused.
Jonghyun hears a blender being operated and shakily leads himself into the kitchen where the noise resonates. He pushes Taemin’s legs away from the entrance where they are dangling from the table and finds Kibum making use of the blender and adding more ice and vodka in. “Kibum?”
Kibum spins around and laughs, his eyes already glassy from having taken one too many shots of vodka from earlier. It wasn’t that big of a bottle when Jinki first brought it home. Kibum pours the contents of the blender in a glass and hands it to Jonghyun.
“Strawberry margarita.” Kibum says before having a drink himself of his mixed concoction from the blender pitcher. “I know you like them girly.”
“Obviously.” Jonghyun gestures vaguely towards Kibum with a knowing smile before taking a sip of Kibum’s mix, it’s sweet and welcoming, warm when it leaves his throat.
Kibum threatens to throw Jonghyun’s cellphone in the blender.
*masterficlist | tumblr | comment here to be added
-- jongkey. unbeta'd. i began
writing this ages ago and didn't
know where i was going with it.
i guess i just needed a story where
i could focus all of my frustration
on? maybe. :\
pg-15 // jonghyun/key // ~8k w
-- wherein jonghyun and key are constantly at each other's throats.
Kibum prided himself in his demure composure and intellectuality.
But when Kim Jonghyun bounces into their dorm with red rimmed eyes and thousand watt smile reeking of tequila and something sweet (probably a strawberry margarita since he always orders that when he’s drunk but won’t be caught dead with a glass filled with pink, iced goo) and all he says is “Jonghyun, WHAT. THE FUCK?” he doubts himself once again.
“SHINEE FOREVER-“ Jonghyun’s declaration ends up in the linens of the cushions surrounding the couch as Heechul and Kangin drop him from their shoulders, mirth in their eyes while Kibum stands by the sidelines, defiant as ever.
“Real classy, you guys.” Kibum says while Heechul sits on Jonghyun’s ass, Kangin pats Kibum on the shoulder. Kibum slaps his hand away.
“I guess you’ll take it from here.” Kangin is probably just as drunk as Heechul but not as borderline retarded as Jonghyun and Kibum being sober and shaken out of his sleep due to the doorbell is not taking everything in so well.
Minho and Taemin appear from the doorframe of their room, hair a mess and squinting at the light from the living room. They watch as Kibum finds a spatula in the kitchen and swats the two older men out of the dorm. Taemin raises a brow at Minho and nudges his rib with his elbow to nod towards Jonghyun’s struggling form on the couch as he bids his hyungs goodbye.
After having successfully emptied the dorm of two drunks, Kibum spins on his heel, hand still armed with the spatula and abruptly aims it at Taemin and Minho. The duo’s eyes widen as they duck simultaneously as if on cue.
“Bed! The pair of you! Now!” Jonghyun mimics Kibum from behind him while the two gather themselves up and scramble back into the room, clicking the door shut. Jonghyun falls back on the couch as he waits for the world to stop spinning. His boneless form absorbs the shock of the spatula from Kibum’s hand and when he sits upright from the pain as a reflex, his head feels as if it’s split open and the pieces of his brain have wandered about the living room.
“Are you serious right now? Do you know what time we have to be up tomorrow, Jonghyun? Five! What time is it now? Three fifty five! THREE FIFTY FUCKING FIVE!” Kibum shoves the wrist watch hugging his wrist in Jonghyun’s face while Jonghyun squints at it, laughing slightly.
“You wear a wristwatch to bed?”
Kibum’s far from amused. He uses the spatula to swing at Jonghyun’s knee. The sound ricochets off the walls and seeps through the door where Taemin and Minho flinch in their separate beds while Jinki continues to sleep like a log.
When Jonghyun just nurses his knee, Kibum attempts another swat except Jonghyun develops super human reflexes and manages to nab the spatula away from Kibum’s hand. Kibum is briefly shocked, unable to move when Jonghyun rises from the couch and eyes him through half fallen lids. “This.” He raises the spatula to both their eye levels, his breath and droplets of spit collecting on Kibum’s left cheek. Kibum cringes, but doesn’t move. “is not a weapon.”
Jonghyun tosses the spatula to the side and while Kibum is slowly shaking his head he snakes his arms around the small of his back and hauls him over until they both trip onto the couch. Kibum’s knees land on either side of Jonghyun, arms stretching out to maintain distance even with their bodies pressed together. Out of nowhere Jonghyun’s hand skirts up to his face, cupping his cheek and before Kibum can scream at him to let go Jonghyun covers his mouth with his own, swallowing the rest of Kibum’s spiel about Jonghyun being irresponsible and going home late without texting back.
Kibum’s tongue is defenseless against Jonghyun’s prodding one. He’s always been a victim of Kim Jonghyun and everything the boy chooses to be. And Kibum hates that. He hates how much he gives in to Jonghyun more so than anyone else in his life. People don’t know this but Jonghyun has him tied around his finger and it doesn’t bode well for either of them since it’s a ship just waiting to sink. Kibum likes it though. He likes the idea of being pulled down with Jonghyun, crashing into oblivion. Kibum likes the fact that at any moment everything could change and what Jonghyun and he have can snap into something broken and irreversible. He likes the risks that come with every stolen kiss, every mislead smirk and teasing look.
And even right now when Jonghyun tastes bitter and stale, when their teeth knock together and Kibum can’t breathe right, when both their spit is gathering to lather up both their lips, Kibum is disgusted but, motherfucker, does that feel good.
Then Jonghyun shifts underneath him, hands suddenly prying his wrists away from his neck and shoving Kibum off his lap. Kibum plops to the side of the couch, pushing his hand out of his face. Jonghyun lifts himself from the couch and stumbles down on all fours, gathering himself up again only to fall back down on his hands and knees. “Fuck it.” Kibum hears him mumble before he begins crawling in the direction of the hallway.
“Jonghyun, where are you going?”
“My bladder’s stretched to its limit.” He replies without turning his head around, unable to see the scowl forming on Kibum’s face.
Then there are times like these when Jonghyun is just at his lowest. He smells, he can’t get on his own two feet to pee properly, he can’t seem to get his priorities straight and he’s a shitty drunk. Kibum doesn’t know what to make of all of it. This sudden modification of his life to fit into someone else’s. It’s unhealthy at best, what he has with Jonghyun and the worst part is he doesn’t even know what they are exactly.
They’ve talked about it once, around the time when they first kissed. It was dark on the rooftop of the training building, no soul in sight. Jinki told Kibum about the rooftop, about how quiet it was up there. And even though he always felt slightly guilty for stealing something of Jinki’s as private as a place of solitude, he needed the space. And maybe he liked the look on Jonghyun’s face when he first brought him up there.
What Kibum tries to comprehend more than anything is that electricity that comes with every simple brush of skin whenever it’s Jonghyun. It’s something that developed overtime the more that they got to know each other and it’s something that Kibum never quite regarded as an issue until one night when Jonghyun asked him if he was gay one fine night on the rooftop and they’ve been friends for two years so Kibum can’t really say that he’s out of line, slap him and leave. Was he gay?
He shakes his head then, looking up at the night sky and rethinking. He thinks that girls are beautiful and soft and the kind of company that makes him… comfortable. Guys are different. Guys are awkward and too straightforward and there’s just no filter with them.
And Jonghyun was a guy. In every sense of the word. Without even thinking he catches Kibum’s lips and they’re surprisingly soft, nothing too harsh like the angles of Jonghyun’s face that Kibum finds misplaced sometimes.
Then the next morning, a rumor spread out that he’s gay and that he likes to give head. A lot.
Kibum can’t remember a time before the anger boiling up in his chest then, the thoughts rushing through his head. What is his grandmother finds out? What if his mom finds out? What if the head of the company kicks him out for a crime he never committed?
The first time in the same day that he sees Jonghyun he takes his hand and hauls him to the elevator and as soon as the doors shut Kibum screams at Jonghyun with every profanity in the Korean and English language that he knows off. Jonghyun practically huddles in a corner as Kibum tosses him question after question, the same shit he’s been wondering himself and before they reach floor nine he ends everything with a strict, “You better fix this, or I’ll make sure that you get kicked out of this company before me, I swear to God!”
He doesn’t speak to Jonghyun for two weeks and the rumors don’t die down nor do they worsen. Jonghyun tried calling him a few times, most of which just went straight to voicemail. He leaves a couple of messages containing how sorry he is and how sensitive Kibum is being and KIBUM, I’M SORRY IT JUST SLIPPED OUT OKAY. And then there’s a message amidst all of it that comes at around ten in the evening, just as Kibum’s about to board the elevator. I’m on the roof. I miss you.
Kibum’s legs jog for the fire escape even when every fiber of his body is aching with hours of practice. It’s not just that he wants to go home, he needs to go home. Instead he’s sprinting on the rooftop and landing in Jonghyun’s arms, and not pulling away when Jonghyun brushes his hair away and kisses him under the night sky.
The week after, Jonghyun meets Yuri and Yoona for the first time and lets them in on their little group. Soon the foursome is seen eating lunch together and leaving the building together and the rumors begin to slide away completely.
That has been how it was for years even after they debuted. Explaining things to the rest of the members wasn’t easy. They’re together but not really. Kibum’s into Jonghyun but not really. Jonghyun will sleep with Kibum sometimes but sneak into his bed afterwards. It’s just one of those things. And they’ve been fighting fire with fire ever since.
Kibum rubs his tummy where an ache is beginning to accumulate as he follows Jonghyun to the bathroom. Jonghyun misses his aim for the toilet a few times, causing Kibum to go off again especially when Jonghyun didn’t wash his hands after.
Kibum brings Jonghyun back on the couch since the upper bunk isn’t going to lower itself to accommodate him. He takes Jonghyun’s shoes off while Jonghyun grumbles on one of the cushions, something about being cold. Kibum leaves briefly and comes back with a comforter, the one Jonghyun’s sister sent him left untouched in the closet.
Kibum takes a minute to stare at Jonghyun, watch as the boy slobbers all over the comforter, eyes closed. And he thinks that he’s an idiot.
As he’s about to turn away Jonghyun catches his wrist and whispers something about a wedding proposal. Kibum threatens to cut all of his fingers off if he doesn’t let go.
~o~
Kibum starts off his day all groggy after having slept for only thirty minutes the previous night. Jonghyun is still on the couch despite many nudges and kicks that he’s already garnered from the Taemin, Minho and Kibum. Jinki doesn’t mind. He just wants to get to the part where he isn’t sleepy anymore.
They’re all in the kitchen apart from Jonghyun and Kibum shouts from the table, a countdown for Jonghyun to get his ass in the kitchen before Kibum dumps hot, steaming chigae on him.
Jonghyun gets up from all the screaming, swaying to the bathroom with his head in his hands. He ends up not eating anything for breakfast.
After a quick shower they all hop in the van where their manager is greeting them good morning from the front seat. He hands them the sheet containing their schedule for the new week and Taemin pouts at the lack of breaks in between radio and TV recordings.
The first schedule of the day is a morning show where all of them are requested to be interviewed together. Kibum realizes that it’s almost like a play button has been stuck to his head, meant to be hit along with the record button of the cameras the moment the producer says action.
He feels the weight of his eye bags even more with concealer spread across his skin but he catches glimpses of himself on the monitor every time he answers a question or just to capture a reaction out of him and he thinks it’s worth it since his skin looks so porcelain-like.
Jonghyun focuses on him whenever he explains the same things that he’s said before, the same answers that he’s rehearsed before the actual interview and Kibum’s eyes seem to automatically lead to his in between sentences. He always ends his answers with a smile that Jonghyun matches with an even brighter streak. It’s disarming.
After that they have a fansign event to attend to be hosted at the Ritz. The reporters are layering the doors, fans lined up before them at the entrance so the members have to sneak in the back where hotel staff in maroon and white greet them with enthusiasm. The make up and hair team work together for touch ups, caking it up even more since cameras will be flashing.
They are granted an hour and half for lunch that they spend in the conference room of the hotel. Jonghyun manages to eat half of Kibum’s turkey sandwich before giving up and just resting his head on his arms folded over the table. Minho offers Jonghyun some of his sweet and sour pork with rice but Jonghyun denies the offer with a simple wave of his hand, his head still on the table, unmoving. “I’ll probably just puke it out anyway.”
The next schedule requires for SHINee to split up in twos and threes, respectively Jonghyun and Minho, and Taemin, Kibum and Jinki. While Jonghyun and Minho attend a recording for a television radio show the rest are off for the filming of Star King which will mostly take up the rest of the afternoon, leaving the two members a dinner break around seven while the trio can rest when filming is over.
They have practice at ten sharp so they have to be at the studio before then just to make sure. Jonghyun texts Kibum during the commercial break and Kibum doesn’t get to read it until after filming.
Do you wanna have dinner just the two of us? Before practice?
Kibum bites the inside of his lips instead of smiles since he knows what that will look like to other people. He replies something vague like, “Sure, whatever. What time?” and shuts his phone, placing it in his pocket as he asks for a make up remover facial tissue from one of the make up noonas.
~o~
It’s almost one in the morning when Kibum locks himself in the bathroom near the kitchen. Jonghyun’s beating the door up while Taemin calls dibs on the bathroom in their room, Minho surfs for something good to eat in the kitchen and Jinki just lies on the couch, flipping through channels lazily.
“Kibum, what the hell? I didn’t see your text until I finished the show!”
Kibum closes the lid of the toilet, settles himself on the surface and holds his head in his hands. He doesn’t know what he’s doing either to be honest. He’s acting like a girl. A very annoying one. Just because Jonghyun doesn’t reply nor goes through with his plan of them eating together. It was just completely off the mark, the whole plan, to begin with and it’s none of their faults. But Kibum can’t help but blame Jonghyun for some reason. It’s just the way he’s wired now, he figures.
“I was cutting my nails, Kibum! What was I supposed to do? Text you while cutting my-you know what, fucking fine then! I’ll fucking text you amidst the nail cutting. I don’t fucking care! I’ll do it! Just get out of the bathroom, come on!”
Kibum cracks his neck from where he’s sitting. “Shut up.” Kibum says more to himself than to anyone else.
“Kibum, open the fucking door!” Jonghyun receives no response even as he pounds the door even harder. “Don’t make me do something stupid.”
Kibum snorts, “As if you need my help for that.”
The pounding stops and Kibum takes a deep breath. Until Jonghyun rams into the door and the locks and hinges crack just a smidge. Kibum’s shock sends him to stand on his feet, hands pressed against his chest as he watches the door slowly give in until Jonghyun breaks it down with his shoulder. The door swings open and hits the adjacent wall with a crash, Jonghyun stumbling inside before patting his shirt down, his expression reading, “that’s right, bitch! I just broke the door down.”
Kibum stares at the swinging door, the creak of the metal obvious as the screws loosen even more. Jinki is unbothered, by the television, Taemin is still in the bathroom while Minho jogs towards the bathroom, spots the door, observes Jonghyun and Kibum standing face to face as they indulge in some intense staring contest and finally decides that he wants no part in this.
He retreats to the living room and sits on the floor next to the couch Jinki is currently occupying.
“Why’d you do that?” Kibum gestures for the door, disbelief drawn on his delicate features.
Jonghyun defensively plants his hands on his waist. “To try to get to you! Why the fuck else would I break down a goddamn door?”
“Because ninety-nine percent of the time you have your head up your ass?” Kibum pushes past Jonghyun to leave the bathroom while Jonghyun trots behind him.
“Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time?” Jonghyun catches the door of the closet before Kibum gets a chance to slam it in his face.
“Can we not right now? I’m tired, Jjong.”
“And I’m not?” Jonghyun walks in and shuts the door, their screams now muffled from the other side. “I haven’t had a decent meal yet this whole day, my throat is dry and yet here I am having another argument because of something so petty. I mean, if it meant that much to you I’ll make you dinner!”
“It’s not about fucking dinner!”
Jonghyun’s eyes are so wide they look as if they’re about to jump out from its sockets at any moment. “What the-what is this about then? It’s always a different story with you!”
“It’s about you never sticking to your promises!”
“Promises?!” Jonghyun’s hands fly in the air to get his point across. “I never promised you dinner. I never promised you anything, Key. I suggested dinner and we lucked out. That’s it. Why is this such a big deal?”
Kibum fixes his stare at the lined up sweaters behind Jonghyun, exhaustion clinging to his bones. It wasn’t a big deal. He just didn’t know how to tell Jonghyun that he sucks. He can’t find it in himself to just look Jonghyun in the eye and say he’s sorry. He can’t do that. And he knows that Jonghyun isn’t anywhere near sorry either. “Are you done?”
“What?”
“Are you done screaming at me now?”
“Kibum.”
There’s a percentage of Kibum, the part that Jonghyun holds outside of his logic, that makes him want to just melt into Jonghyun’s arms and forget about the whole thing. He hasn’t had that many regrets in life to begin with but whatever regrets he has it all has to do with the words he’s said and things he’s done to Jonghyun. “I have to go to bed.”
“Kibum.” Jonghyun tries again, loosely clutching Kibum’s wrist. Kibum tugs it away without much effort, walking out of the closet and turning the light off, leaving Jonghyun (literally and figuratively) in the dark.
~o~
The next day starts off a little later in the morning allowing Kibum to cook a meal for his members as opposed to ordering something from the deli downstairs. Taemin reads out the speech that they have to give out for the charity event scheduled for them on the table. Jinki’s eating the rest of his egg and fried rice on the floor in front of the television while Minho corrects Taemin’s pronunciation of the name of the charity event. Jonghyun walks in after finally having showered for the day, scratching his tummy from underneath his shirt.
He squeezes in between Taemin and Minho huddled close, swinging an arm around the youngest and peering at the script for himself, inconspicuously observing Kibum moving about the kitchen in his periphery.
“Kibum, can you make mine scrambled?” Jonghyun requests without looking up. Kibum takes the pan from the stove and shoves it in the sink.
“Kitchen’s closed.”
Jonghyun looks up then along with Taemin and Minho. The tension in the kitchen intensifies, allowing Taemin and Minho to exchange “here we go again” looks. “Kibum, come on.”
“You should’ve gotten up early.”
Jonghyun stares at his back disbelievingly. It’s early in the morning. He doesn’t want to fight. And he knows that even if he had woken up at the crack of fucking dawn that day Kibum wouldn’t prepare him any eggs, scrambled or otherwise. He turns to Taemin and asks, “Are you gonna finish this?”
“If either of you give him any food you’re not getting breakfast for the next week.” Kibum says again as he begins scrubbing the pan clean.
Jonghyun cracks his neck while Taemin tenders a look of apology.
Jonghyun smiles and squeezes his shoulder, tossing Kibum’s back a glare before grabbing a box of cereal from the cupboard and walking over to the living room where Jinki is doing a good job of blocking the television screen.
~o~
One of the things that Kibum likes the most about being an idol is photo shoots.
The theme of today’s photo shoot is comfort. They have to model a pair of jeans and be as casual as possible. Taemin is still getting his make up done with Jinki, and Minho is somewhere in the studio, maybe playing soccer for all Kibum knows. The last Kibum saw Jonghyun was after they had their make up done and Jonghyun was fiddling with one of the coordi noona’s laptop, laughing at something he saw on the monitor.
Kibum wanders off on the set and finds a ladder left in front of the white background screen. It kind of reminds him of school and ID pictures, the days when he would dress up and try to get his hair right just to make sure his photo for the rest of the year doesn’t come out weird. He contemplates his days at school, his days as a trainee and he thinks that he’s being a complete hypocrite to Jonghyun right now.
But the thing with Kibum is he’d rather be mad at him than admit that he hates that Jonghyun is starting to gain more friends and less time with just the two of them.
Kibum steps on the ladder until he reaches the fourth step, eyeing the sea of staff and cameras before him. It’s a kingdom of technology and glamour and Kibum isn’t really much of anything in it, just an accessory. He searches the sea of people for Jonghyun even if he doesn’t mean to. Then he finds the boy he is looking for looking up at him from the other side of the ladder, a small smirk forming on the one corner of his lips.
“Can I come up?”
Kibum takes out a fist and Jonghyun doesn’t misunderstand but acts like he does. He wraps his fingers around Kibum’s fist and just as he expects Kibum shakes his hand away. “Rock, paper, scissors.”
Jonghyun complies and beats Kibum three times, only a step away from being on the same stair level. He’d think that Kibum is letting him win but there’s no way to do that. The moment he makes it to the final step he whispers in Kibum’s ear, asking if he’s still mad.
Kibum fights the urge to push Jonghyun off the ladder. He considers it but takes it back since he doesn’t want to cause a stir simply because his breathing can’t keep up with his pulse. He looks at Jonghyun through his lashes before shaking his head, nipping at his bottom lip.
~o~
Jonghyun’s watching the monitor from backstage of the studio, the performances on stage are beginning rather splendidly what with all the fire and smoke and girls in unfinished clothing. He settles on the couch beside Kyuhyun, engaging in a conversation about yesterday’s activities and which of the girl groups are most probably going to be on the next cover of Elle.
Kibum walks over the moment Kyuhyun is called over for a dry rehearsal and Jonghyun is pretty much alone. He plops next to Jonghyun, using his pinky to rearrange his hair spray stiff hair. Jonghyun acknowledges him with a quick smile before returning his attention to the screen.
“So what do you think?” Kibum asks. Jonghyun spares him second long glances, his eyes bouncing from the screen to Kibum’s questioning stare.
“About what?” He’s half sure that Kibum means the new song Kara is singing along with the dance that’s all hips and thighs. He’s about to say that it’s pretty sexy in the hopes of Kibum learning it along with the many girl group dances he already knows by heart, maybe have him perform it later for him in an outfit of his choice. Jonghyun clears his throat uncomfortably at the thought, running his tongue across his bottom lip guiltily.
“About my eyebrows.”
“What?” Jonghyun finally turns to Kibum, puzzlement in his eyes.
Kibum wiggles his not-so-different-from-before eyebrows at Jonghyun and Jonghyun already knows that this might be a trap of sorts.
“What about your eyebrows?” It’s like after having fought with Kibum for as long as he has, he’s been able to develop this sixth sense that allows him a premonition of their fights before they actually happen. He gets these chills in the back of his neck and a wallowing pang in his stomach before the fights occur and it’s no different from now. Because Kibum’s lips are already showing the beginnings of an oncoming scowl.
“Do they look bad?”
“I. Wha-Kibum. They’re eyebrows. I don’t really know what to say.”
“So, they look bad?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Do they look any different?”
“What, your eyebrows?”
Kibum’s scowl develops into something more twisted now, unattractively so. “No, my nose, I’m asking you if it grew flowers yet, fuck, you’re an idiot.”
Jonghyun is left on the couch, unable to stop Kibum when he heads for the hallway. When he looks back at the monitor all he sees are pairs of thick haired eyebrows on hosts and artists and he curses at them.
~o~
When Jonghyun needs coffee he goes at night. And he usually takes Kibum with him but seeing as Kibum’s fast asleep and the very sight of him kind of makes Jonghyun’s blood boil, he nudges Taemin awake instead.
“Hyu-“ Taemin turns in his bed and Jonghyun clamps his mouth shut with his palm curled across Taemin’s mouth. He presses a forefinger to his own mouth to emphasize Taemin’s needed silence. Taemin nods sleepily that he understands and follows Jonghyun out of the room.
The heater doesn’t work outside of their room so when they step out Taemin yawns and rubs his left arm with his right hand while Jonghyun jumps around a few times and keeps his hands in the pockets of his pajama bottoms.
“What, what?” Taemin asks with one eye cracked open.
“I’m gonna take a drive. You should come with.”
“And have Kibum hyung scream my head off later? No thank you.” Taemin’s about to spin on his heel and head back to the room when Jonghyun catches the crook of his elbow and pouts.
“Kibum will never know.”
“Now I just feel wrong.”
“I need to get out of here.”
“Then ask hyung out.”
“He’s kind of the reason I want to leave. Just for a few hours though. Nothing drastic. Come on. I’ll buy you French onion Lays.”
Taemin’s eyes evidently open up at the mention of the bribery, his mouth watering. “And Coke.”
“Whatever.” Jonghyun fishes his hand around in his pocket to make sure he has his wallet in there then smiles.
“I’ll just grab my jacket.”
With the newly bought chips and bottle of Coke, they rest in one of the triangular spaces of the merry go round situated in a park bordering the Han river. Jonghyun kicks at the ground lightly with his sneakers to spin the merry go round faintly while Taemin twists the cap of the Coke bottle open.
Jonghyun remembers nights like these, when he would just walk out of his dormitory room as a Trainee with Taemin and they would walk to wherever. Things were a little different now what with having to go out at night so as not to be discovered and crowded by the public and the upgrade of finally having a car, granting them an extension to their desired destinations.
Taemin has this habit of dipping the French onion chips in his coke, says it makes the flavors more colorful. Jonghyun thinks it’s the little quirks that make Taemin tick the right way.
“He’s gonna freak when he finds out. You know that, right?” Bits of the soggy chips fly from Taemin’s mouth through the bar separating them.
“Taemin. The guy freaks out over spaghetti sauce on the cushions.”
“In all fairness, I don’t want to live in a tomato sauce stained dorm either. We might be boys but we should live like gentlemen.”
Jonghyun makes a face that Taemin laughs at because he knows that that’s something Kibum would totally say to them. Except with a few minor extravagant adjustments.
“You know hyung. I kind of get why you hate him so much.”
“Yeah?”
Taemin nods as he reaches in the orange plastic bag for another chip. “You always hate the ones you love the most.”
Jonghyun laughs partly because he’s stalling for time and Taemin’s giving him a knowing look that sends him on edge.
“And judging by the way he treats you. I think hyung loves you a lot more than you think.” Taemin finishes.
Jonghyun considers this, the fights that Kibum picks, the fights that he picks; it’s all so childish and half of them he doesn’t remember the origin off. All he remembers are the middles of the fights, the part where they can’t wait to one up one another in screaming matches, the part where they begin and end every sentence with the word fuck, the part where he’s contemplating whether or not this is the right time to walk out. Jonghyun never believed in love at first sight. He still doesn’t. He thinks that there is a lot of time and effort that needs to be stuffed in building emotions stable enough to prove a relationship valid. And he thinks that of all the people he’s been in love with (or something uncannily akin to it) Kibum is the worst candidate.
But in a whole other sense, Kibum’s perfect.
“Sometimes I think we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or just waiting until someone finally admits that he’s broken.”
Taemin gives a half shrug amidst his pursed lips, pushing the chips in his mouth around and chewing loudly. “Are you broken?”
He’s scraped and bruised from Kibum’s words, from days when Kibum would purposefully destroy him and try to hurt him. He’s scarred from the memories of Kibum calling him unworthy and shouting questions at him like, “WHY THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING THIS?” even when he knows that Jonghyun will never be able to answer that. “Not any more so than he is.”
“Why’d you say that?”
“Because no person can be that dreadful and not need fixing.”
“You’re not fixing him though.”
“Yeah, because that’s impossible, Taem. The blind can’t lead the blind.”
“Hold on.” Taemin stretches his neck from having kept it in a sideways turn to meet Jonghyun’s eyes. “This conversation is getting too mature for me.”
Jonghyun stifles a laugh by biting on his bottom lip, eyes crinkling despite himself as he reaches through the space of the bar and pinches Taemin’s side. Taemin’s knee jerks, nearly spilling the Coke over had he not gracefully caught it with both his hands.
When they return to the dorm the rest of the members are still sound asleep and Jonghyun surprises himself by falling asleep the moment his head hits the pillow. Just thinking about Kibum and the things he could have said if he ever found out that he snuck out again was exhausting.
~o~
Kibum’s calm, milky skin is painted with faint shades of pink caused by Jonghyun’s touches, by his mouth and by his words. They fit into each other, dressing each other down hurriedly in the backseat of Jonghyun’s car. They have to make it before the sky breaks for sun to spill light through, before the darkness disappears from the sky, no longer willing to help them conceal the truth.
Kibum twists and shifts in Jonghyun’s arms, now positioned on top of him with his limbs stretched to cage Jonghyun, as if Jonghyun would choose to be somewhere else. He breathes in the scent of coconuts off Kibum’s hair, the expensive cocoa milk body wash he lathers on religiously, but he tastes nothing like he smells, just bland, soft terrains of skin, eager and warm to the touch.
Kibum takes Jonghyun’s length in his palms, giving it a few strokes just to get a response out of Jonghyun. Jonghyun offers a faint groan in the back of his throat, allows it to float into Kibum’s ears, allow him the satisfaction of knowing that he drives Jonghyun up the wall. Kibum positions the dull end to connect to the ring of his entrance, lifting himself with the help of his hamstring muscles. He licks his lips, eyes cast down at Jonghyun’s, before lowering himself on Jonghyun and swallowing his length in a blanket of incredible warmth. Jonghyun imprints his fingertips on Kibum’s hips, angry red marks to bruise and ache, maybe leave Kibum with a memory as opposed to a dream. Both boys moan at the wave of pleasure, the crash of overwhelming emotions, welling. Kibum leans forward, palms flat on either side of Jonghyun’s head as he rolls his hips. Jonghyun meets the gestures when Kibum tortures him slowly. He lowers Kibum down until they’re chest to chest, Kibum’s cock sliding between their abdomens, breaths staining each other’s cheeks.
Jonghyun loves this. He loves every moment of this. Every moan he elicits out of Kibum, every arch and fuck yes, just like that Jjong he commits to a part of his mind that even he is shameful for knowing the existence off. He knows that when he’s alone he’ll think of Kibum, remember the colors he creates on Kibum’s canvas, the music and rhythm they compose in an hour of lovemaking, the kind of art that only he and Kibum can be the artists of.
Jonghyun grips the back of Kibum’s neck and now they’re cheek to cheek, and Jonghyun has known for a while now, but he’s never said anything directly. Just as he’s about to come undone he whispers it softly in Kibum’s ear, three words that they’ve been hiding from for years.
~o~
Kibum’s voice cracks once during the performance last night and no more than thirty seconds later it ends up on every KPOP news site as well as video uploading site.
Jinki’s been patting his back since last night, saying that he’s going to never hear the end of it from their vocal coach anyway so he might as well cut him some slack, Minho’s been searching the internet for all of Kibum’s videos, amazed at the netizens for creating remixes of it already, Taemin hits Minho repeatedly because can’t you see that he’s having a hard enough time as it is? A little decency, hyung, damn! while Jonghyun… Jonghyun just stays quiet. And this bothers Kibum.
Because usually, when a mistake during a live performance has been done by any of the members he’s in the front seat of the mistakes in your face concert and Jinki is always the one who tries to give advice solemnly after Jonghyun has had enough nostril flaring for one day.
They have practice in a few hours. Kibum decides to get ready. He walks into their shared room and finds Jonghyun on the solo bed, writing something in his journal with his earplugs on. Kibum considers leaving but then decides against it because he’s being petty again. But he kind of hates Jonghyun right now. Maybe because he doesn’t know what Jonghyun’s deal is.
Jonghyun looks up from his journal and finds Kibum entering the room without acknowledging him. Jonghyun’s iPod plays a song that’s upbeat and he finds it slightly amusing how Kibum’s movements, as he rummages through his closet for a new set of sweats and a shirt, coincide perfectly with the beat of the song.
Jonghyun foolishly considers the possibility that Kibum is doing it on purpose. But they aren’t that close to be one yet, are they? It’s not like they’re connected to the point where when Jonghyun hears something through his earplugs, Kibum can hear it as well. But he thinks it would be pretty cool if that were the case.
Kibum leaves the room with his clothes while Jonghyun follows him out with his stare, landing back to his journal where he writes down how he thinks that Kibum is making him believe in soulmates.
~o~
Jonghyun escorts Taemin outside of the dorm. Taemin leaves for school with a wink because he knows that Jinki left hours ago for the recording studio, Minho is out watching a soccer game with his brother and Kibum doesn’t have any schedules until six thirty in the afternoon, leaving him to enjoy a magazine in the bedroom.
Jonghyun opens the door to their room in a fashionable style, pushing it open and immediately placing his hands behind his back to make it seem as if he kicked the door open. Kibum jumps almost from the top bunk, the magazine in his hands flipping two pages forward. He narrows his eyes at Jonghyun’s beaming smile before flipping the pages back.
Jonghyun walks into the room, trying to be cute, and his hands remaining behind his back. He crawls on Jinki’s bed and pulls himself up to share Kibum’s bed space. Kibum slides to the left unwillingly, rolling his eyes while trying his best to ignore Jonghyun.
Jonghyun relaxes in his spot next to Kibum, their hips bumping. He almost knocks Kibum’s temple when he places his hands behind his head, scooching a bit closer until their legs touch.
“I read somewhere that spontaneity is a recipe in the bedroom that must never be forgotten.” Jonghyun muses, his eyes directed at the ceiling.
Kibum suppresses a smirk as he turns to the next page. “You do know that by saying that I know exactly what you’re planning.”
“Do you?” Jonghyun plucks the magazine from Kibum’s hands and before he can protest Jonghyun languidly tosses it over his shoulder and pounces on Kibum with a victory cry. “Bet you didn’t expect that one.”
“Jjong, I was reading that-“ Jonghyun covers Kibum’s lips, tilting his head to get a better angle. Kibum’s hands curl into fists, pushing at Jonghyun’s shoulders. Jonghyun trails his lips downward, hands on Kibum’s face and Kibum, with his eyes screwed shut, finally manages to push Jonghyun’s weight off him. But he misconstrues his strength and Jonghyun ends up falling on Jinki’s bed, next to the abandoned magazine.
“Ow, what the fuck?”
Kibum jumps down on the same bed, stepping over Jonghyun to bend over his magazine and pick it up. He rolls the magazine in his hands and hops off the bed. “Shut up, you big baby. You fell on a bed, not a pool of nails.”
“What-did you run out of tampons or something? Jesus, Kibum.” Jonghyun sits up while Kibum crosses his arms and already they both feel the switch in the mood.
“Jonghyun, I have five hours, maximum, to myself and that’s a rare occasion in a month to be alone. I live in a dorm, not a house, a motherfucking dorm with four boys who can’t remember to pick the towel up from the floor or even flush from time to time and to top it all off, I have a boyfriend who thinks that falling on a mattress is the leap of faith! Fuck off.”
Kibum tosses the magazine on the floor in his haste, no longer able to see past whatever fire was beginning to infiltrate his insides. He spins around viciously, ready to leave the room when Jonghyun’s meek voice comes into play, small but audible. “Boyfriend?”
Kibum halts, his skin suddenly dropping in temperature, the fire that was once there immediately being put out. His lips part, cold sweat beading up on his hairline and he’s lightheaded from all of the things he just said. He needs to sit down. He walks out anyway and Jonghyun follows.
Kibum drops on the couch, clutching at his forehead when Jonghyun reaches him, standing before him with his hands on his waist. “Did you just call me your boyfriend?”
“I don’t.” Kibum’s fingers move to his mouth. He feels like peeling his flesh off, be inside out literally as much as he already is. “I didn’t-“
“Kibum.” Jonghyun kneels. His hands stretch out to touch Kibum somehow because he looks so closed off. He decides against in midway, resting his hands on the floor instead. “It’s okay.”
Kibum looks up, blinking, as if he’s still trying to figure everything out. And Jonghyun can only imagine the mechanics of that brain of his, working a mile a minute. “I. I. I didn’t mean it.”
“We can talk about this. You know that, right?”
“We already did.”
“What, when we were sixteen?” Jonghyun rests his weight on his calves, using one of his hands to rake through his hair. “That wasn’t even a talk. That was just. Us being young and not knowing what we were doing.”
“We still don’t.”
“I think I do, Kibum.” Jonghyun voices carefully. “I think. I think it’s only right. That. That we. We-“
“Right?” Kibum says it like he’s rejecting the word. He straightens up, leaning on the frame of the couch, away from Jonghyun. “I’m not an obligation.”
“That’s not what I meant. Why do you keep doing that?”
“Doing what, you said it.” Kibum’s already raising his voice without noticing.
“Yeah.” Jonghyun nods, back on his knees. “Yeah, I did say it. Then you processed it and somehow twisted it into something completely different.”
“Don’t make this about me twisting your words!”
“I will when you stop making it about me being an insensitive prick all the time! Fuck!” Jonghyun’s hair is a mess now under his hand, the strands separating and falling to his eyes. Jonghyun stands up, fixing his hair back to decency but fails for the most part. He aims for the bowl of keys situated on the coffee table and fishes for his car keys. He takes them and places them in his pocket, now moving towards the door.
“Where are you going?”
Jonghyun answers by slamming the door to their apartment, padding down the hall to the elevator.
~o~
Just as Jonghyun’s about to back out of the parking spot, the passenger seat’s door is being pulled open and Kibum is sinking into the car seat and buckling up without looking at Jonghyun.
Jonghyun stares at his profile, his one hand on the backrest of Kibum’s seat since he was in the middle of backing up. He notices how Kibum, even in all of this drama, still managed to change his shirt and don a pair of sunglasses to make sure he doesn’t get noticed.
“Put your seatbelt on.” Kibum says as he stares forward.
~o~
Jonghyun and Kibum end up in Jonghyun’s old high school. It’s empty for the summer and the gates have never been too high for Jonghyun to climb up on. He parks and turns the engine off, steps out of the car while Kibum follows silently. The gates of the school have been chained as expected and the area surrounding it is pretty much deserted apart from a few cars dashing singularly through the road. Jonghyun walks around the school to get to the back where the fence decreases in height and is nearer to the soccer field.
Just before the gate he spins around to face Kibum who now has his sunglasses clipped on the collar of his shirt. He nods towards the gate and positions himself to give Kibum a boost. Kibum smirks smugly and ignores Jonghyun’s offer, gripping at the bars of the fence just to validate their stability before taking one foot and hoisting himself up without Jonghyun’s help.
Kibum’s the first to make it to the other side. He takes a few steps forward and takes note of the field, the wind bellowing in the background to blanket them with a summer breeze in contrast to the heat of the sun. Jonghyun walks past Kibum to the racks holding the net containing the soccer balls. He tests each one in his hands to see which one is fully aired.
He finally finds a ball that he is satisfied with and lets it fall on the ground, kicking it around to the center of the field while Kibum watches by the stands.
“Come here.” Jonghyun says from the center of the field, one foot on the ball.
“Why?”
Jonghyun breathes. “Because I said so.”
Kibum’s gaze drops to his feet. What Kibum believes is that they both can do so much better. With them it’s always just been a question of choice. And here they are, in a soccer field going from point a to point b, choosing to stay as opposed to leaving.
Kibum reaches Jonghyun in the center and ducks when Jonghyun tosses the ball up with his feet. Kibum never knew that he could do that. He knew that Jonghyun liked to play soccer when he was younger; he knows that the reason why Jonghyun’s skin isn’t as fair as it once was is because it was fried under the sun from all those childhood years of running around and marinating in his own sweat. Maybe Minho taught him that trick. Maybe he learned it all on his own. He wants to ask but there’s a part of him that just wants to guess because he thinks he knows Jonghyun that well. He knows every scar of Jonghyun’s body, he knows which words to use and how to phrase them when he wants to make Jonghyun cry all gross and snotty, and he knows how to make Jonghyun moan, which spots and planes of skin needs licking and kissing the most.
Jonghyun takes the ball in his hands and tosses it to Kibum. Kibum catches it, surprising the both of them since he was positioned in mid duck, ready to just fall on the ground and roll away.
“Right here.” Jonghyun says. “This is where I got sent out of the field for head butting the opposing team’s team captain.”
Kibum can’t help the smile that draws on his lips, the crinkle surrounding his eyes as he pictures it. “Did he deserve it?”
“He, uhh,” Jonghyun scratches his nape. “He called me a midget.”
“What happened to soccer?”
“Shit got personal.”
They both laugh at that. Kibum kind of wishes he was there, maybe shove ten of these soccer balls down the team captain’s throat.
“I was pissed. Even afterwards. And I had dreams of the team captain falling in a ditch over and over again because I pushed him. I was violent kid.” Jonghyun takes a few steps back, the tip of his tongue bulking up the side of his cheek. “I don’t get mad very often. So every time that I do I have no fucking clue how to handle it.”
Kibum places the ball down on the ground. He feels as if he’s shrinking in his spot. “Jonghyun-“
“Do me a favor?” Kibum looks up expectantly. “Kick the ball this way.”
Kibum kicks the ball hesitantly and it ends up rolling to Jonghyun’s side. Jonghyun laughs at him for it and catches ball, hopping over it and kicking it towards the goal. Kibum doesn’t know if he should run and block Jonghyun.
Jonghyun ends up shooting the ball to the goal, the material of the net bouncing back to accommodate the pressure of the ball rolling back. Jonghyun sticks his hands up in the air and screams GOAL at the top of his lungs. He runs around until he reaches Kibum, circling around him a few feet away while Kibum rolls his eyes and whispers, “retard.” in a much lower tone.
Jonghyun, after having lost his breath, retrieves the ball in his hands and stays by the goal. The distance between them seems appropriate. Kibum always feels this far even when they’re resting in one bunk, even when they’re inhabiting each other’s skin.
“Why can’t we just be together?” Jonghyun shouts from his side and Kibum’s hands fly out to gesture for him to shut up.
“Are you crazy? What if someone hears us? Shut up-“
“No!” Jonghyun shouts back. “Not until we finally talk about this! The right way. We’re probably just gonna end up screaming at each other anyway so we might as well start it off that way.”
“We’re together all the time.” Kibum lamely replies after a considerable pause and Jonghyun groans in his spot.
“You know what I mean, Kibum. I think we need each other.”
“I think you have brain damage!”
“Maybe!”
“I just.” Kibum says as he wrings his hands together. He’s concentrating on his palms flexing together that he doesn’t notice Jonghyun walking towards him. “We can’t stand each other sometimes. I mean-“
Jonghyun tosses the ball again and it hits Kibum’s knee. Kibum flinches and looks up until he finally sees Jonghyun no more than a few feet away now.
He’s stunned in his place and can’t seem to do much else when Jonghyun presses their lips together and holds his cheek close. He smells a bit like sweat and the old cologne he never changed since high school. Kibum clutches onto Jonghyun’s wrists, eyes closed as he parts his lips and allows Jonghyun to massage his tongue with his. There’s bile rising in his throat and he can’t really breathe but there are times, very rare occasions such as this one, when breathing becomes secondary. So he doesn’t mind it.
When they finally separate Kibum is lightheaded. His eyes flutter open and he finds Jonghyun smiling at him like he’s shy. When Jonghyun’s hand branches up to push strands of Kibum’s hair away Kibum’s hand follows since he’s still clinging to Jonghyun’s wrist.
“I know this won’t end.” Jonghyun whispers. “I know that we’ll still fight about everything we can think of. But I don’t care. As long as. As long as you- you know that I-“
Kibum releases Jonghyun’s wrist to pat Jonghyun’s lips, silence him, and nods. “I know.” Kibum snakes his arms around Jonghyun, his heart pounding a hundred beats per second. “I-yeah. Me too.”
~o~
The next night that they all have free Jinki buys a bottle of vodka and about twelve Heinekens, holding them in his arms as he trots up the stairs and bursts into their dorm.
“I’m gonna be the new MC for Music Core!” He raises one of the six bottle racks up and Kibum automatically gets up from his seat near the television to help Jinki for fear of him breaking anything.
They circle the coffee table and play a drinking game called 3, 6, 9, laughing at each other and drinking into the night. Taemin calls them all a bad influence before passing out on the kitchen table, Minho plays a video game while mumbling ghetto phrases to himself, Jinki takes two Heinekens and hugs them like a teddy bear as he sleeps while Kibum is missing. And Jonghyun is confused.
Jonghyun hears a blender being operated and shakily leads himself into the kitchen where the noise resonates. He pushes Taemin’s legs away from the entrance where they are dangling from the table and finds Kibum making use of the blender and adding more ice and vodka in. “Kibum?”
Kibum spins around and laughs, his eyes already glassy from having taken one too many shots of vodka from earlier. It wasn’t that big of a bottle when Jinki first brought it home. Kibum pours the contents of the blender in a glass and hands it to Jonghyun.
“Strawberry margarita.” Kibum says before having a drink himself of his mixed concoction from the blender pitcher. “I know you like them girly.”
“Obviously.” Jonghyun gestures vaguely towards Kibum with a knowing smile before taking a sip of Kibum’s mix, it’s sweet and welcoming, warm when it leaves his throat.
Kibum threatens to throw Jonghyun’s cellphone in the blender.
*masterficlist | tumblr | comment here to be added
-- jongkey. unbeta'd. i began
writing this ages ago and didn't
know where i was going with it.
i guess i just needed a story where
i could focus all of my frustration
on? maybe. :\