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in
himfanfics
This Resurrection
Summary: When an emotionally shattered Ville has no choice but to enter rehabilitation for his alcoholism, he comes face-to-face with the demons that could threaten his future and the ghosts that haunt his past. One in particular he wasn't ready to revisit.
Pairing: Ville Valo/ OFC
Rating: R to NC-17
Warning (this warning will get longer and longer): I love Ville but I don't own him, any other member/manager or project of HIM, Jonna, Bam, Missy, Maxim magazine, any random celebrity, High Voltage Tattoo or KAT Von D...even though I wish I did...free tattoos Please read and enjoy:)
Chapter 1-5
Chapter 6 and 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
CHAPTER 10
~Life Ruined~
July 10,2007
Day 13
For Christ’s fucking sake, it hurts.
Ville’s head throbbed like he had asked his professional ass-kicking brother Jesse to repeatedly punch him in the face. He gazed at the reflection in the bathroom mirror, wanting so badly to rip out his brain and replace it with a new one. Wanting more than anything to change lives with anyone. The deep purple lines under his eyes were now a deeper black. He hadn’t slept in about three days. Whether that was due to his dire need for nine beers or the fact that he might be a father, Ville didn’t know.
Jonna’s new boyfriend wasn’t the one who got her pregnant; she said the timing was wrong. The other two she all of a sudden didn’t “go all the way with,” so they didn’t knock her up. The only one left: poor lonely fucked up Ville. The happy fucking day.
-Okay I’ll pay for the abortion.
-But baby, I want to keep it.
What the fuck? You cheated on me three times and now all of a sudden you want to have a child with me? You’re a fucking liar, and I only asked you to marry me because I wanted to make Angel jealous. Yeah, you remember Angel. The girl I dated for six years. A woman I never forgot about. Yeah, she’s here. In rehab with me. And even when she swears she hates my guts, she shows me more compassion than you ever had. I love her. I never stopped loving her, and I have been in more pain in the last two years than I ever had because she wasn’t in my life.
That’s what Ville should have told Jonna.
But he didn’t.
I’ll call you tomorrow.
That was what he said to her.
Unfortunately, Ville did sleep with Jonna on many occasions, and this baby could no doubt be his. If Jonna keeps it and he was the father, for his child’s sake, he’d have to return to Jonna. He and Angel hadn’t so much as looked at each other in the past ten days. Ville could love her all he wanted, but it would be like one of her many fans, a useless obsession with a celebrity. He tried that night. He tried so hard to remind her of how it was between them. Sheer bliss. She loved it. He could see that in her eyes, but her mind wasn’t there. He had awakened her body, nothing more, that was it.
The thought of being with Jonna again made Ville twinge with pain, but maybe with a child, his life in Helsinki would be better. The baby might bring him and Jonna together. Closer than they ever were. He didn’t know how many times he had told himself this, but maybe he could learn to forget about Angel. He did always think he’d make a hell of a father.
This thought calmed him down, but Ville still knew that calling Jonna tomorrow would take a hell of a lot of will power.
Jesus, I need a fucking drink.
He put his hands on the sink, supporting all of his weight on the white marble. If he didn’t, Ville knew he would collapse.
****
Group 4
Session 7
“Hello everyone, sorry I am late. Business to attend to. I had to sign paperwork releasing the fourth person from this group today. Before we continue with this session, I would like to remind you eight wonderful people that the worst is almost over. Through my observance, I have noticed that within the third week, most that chose to drop out of the program do so. The pain is usually the most severe during this time, and this is when we get to the more psychologically grueling parts of the program. I urge you to hang on. The suffering you go through today will save your lives tomorrow. I just feel that you deserve a warning. This week will be one of the toughest of your lives.”
The doctor paused. Silence poisoned the room.
“Alright everyone,” he began again. “Let’s continue with today.”
“Doctor, I have an announcement,” said Mrs. Frey looking a little peppier than usual.
The doctor sighed.
“I’m sorry Miss Frey. I nearly forgot about your…surprise. Please go ahead.”
“Alrighty,” Miss Frey stood up into the middle of the circle and cleared her throat. “Well, as a congratulations on your success for graduating the program, Dr. Clark finally allowed me to plan a little party! The theme of this party is…and you all will love this…80’s prom night!”
The group let out a groan, but Angel thought it kinda sounded like fun.
What the fuck, Ville thought. Well, at least he had the clothes to dress the part.
Miss Frey let out a small squeal of excitement.
“The dance will be from 8 to 11 on the 27th of July. Oh and don’t forget to ask a date! See you all there!” Miss Frey nearly skipped out of the circle after her announcement, and Dr. Clark stood in her place.
“Thank you, Miss Frey,” he said. “I’m sure we’re all…excited about the celebration.”
Ville rolled his eyes.
“Now on to our session. Today’s topic. Romantic relationships.”
Angel sunk deeper into her chair. Ville twiddled his thumbs and stared at the floor.
“Don’t worry people, it’s not about what you think,” Dr. Clark said. “I don’t want to hear about a time when you were the victim. We will discuss that in your personal sessions. I want you to share with the group a time when you broke someone else’s heart. Sometimes being the heartbreaker can have an even more profound impact on your life than being the breakee. Again we shall go around the room.”
A man named Sean was first. He told the group about how he got engaged to the mother of his unborn child and then cheated on her while she was in labor.
Lula went next. She braided her stringy blond hair while she spoke of a boy she knew who wanted to marry her and make her move to New York with him, but she was too in love with California to leave. Angel couldn’t relate to Lula at all. Lula talked about California like a new lover. In her bloodshot eyes, it was perfect, and she would never leave. Angel just didn’t understand how anyone could fall in love with a place. What if the people in that place you love so dearly turn out to be somebody you didn’t think they were?
Ville was next. Angel knew he would talk about Su.
“I used to date a girl named Susanna,” he began. Angel smirked at her own accuracy. That’s when she realized that Ville didn’t break many hearts. In fact, she and Su were basically it.
“I loved her very much. More than I could tell you. I never acted like it, but Su was my life. My band was just getting big at the time I was dating her, and I had to hide the fact that I had a girlfriend, but after a while, I couldn’t help myself. I had to shout to the world about this girl, you know.”
Ville smiled in remembrance.
“Well one cold rainy night in Helsinki, I was in the studio with my band just jamming, and all of sudden, out of nowhere, my keyboarder comes waltzing in with…a girl.”
Angel pulled her hood over her head, and sank deeper into her chair.
“She was a student at the University of Helsinki from America, and my band mate was helping her find her way home,” said Ville, and Dr. Clark shot a quick glance at Angel who was bundled up in her extra large sweatshirt like she was about to brave a blizzard. “To this day…”
Here it comes, Angel thought. ‘She was a biggest slut I had ever met. She came on to me and ruined my relationship and my name is Ville Valo and I’m a douche bag.’
“She’s still one of the most breathtakingly beautiful girls I have ever met,” Ville stated. He could have lied and called Angel a slut, but Seppo wasn’t paying fifty thousand dollars for Ville to lie. So he spoke the truth. Her beauty did stop him in his tracks back then, and it still did. “I couldn’t help myself. I cheated on a woman I loved for no other reason except my own selfish lust.”
The last sentence stung Angel, but it was the truth. The first year of their relationship was sex, sex, and more sex. Maybe that’s why they didn’t work out. They were too busy having make-up sex after fights then actually solving the problem.
After a few more stories of cheating, lies, and betrayal, Angel had her turn.
“ I fell in love with a great guy,” she began. “He was into the same music as me, he was gorgeous, sweet, treated me like a princess, but...the relationship didn’t translate into our sex life.”
Ville’s head started spinning. Was she talking about him? She couldn’t have. Angel always loved having sex with him. She could have been faking. She wasn’t faking. Girls are good at faking. Oh Jesus, she was talking about him.
“We just didn’t mesh together well,” Angel stated. “So because of my young and crazy ways, I started…sleeping with his best friend. “
Ville took a deep breath. Thank God. She was talking about Zoltan.
“ I couldn’t…I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror after a while. I felt so sick to my stomach every time I’d do it, but I…I…was in love with his friend too. I was torn in half. I felt trapped between two men. One who didn’t care about me, but was amazing in bed.”
Angel, I cared about you more than anyone, Ville thought.
“…Or the first man who ever showed me kindness in a strange place. I was lost and alone, and he rescued me. He was so much fun. He did everything for me, and loved me very dearly. I guess I figured that I could be in a relationship with Zoltan, that was my boyfriend’s name, and just have sex with his friend. That would be okay.”
Angel’s voice choked up. A tear rolled down her cheek.
“ Zoltan was in a band with the guy I was sleeping with, and they had a couple gigs in Germany or somewhere.”
A couple? Christ, we were on tour for like 2 years straight, Ville thought.
“ His friend and I were backstage in some small storage room or something. Somewhere nobody would be able to find us unless they were looking for us. Well apparently two people were. The guy I was sleeping with had a girlfriend and she knew that we were messing around. When the two of us went missing, she told Zoltan, and they both eventually stormed into the storage room, catching us mid-act.”
Angel’s tears started flowing more freely.
“ Zoltan was never the same. He quit the band, he moved to a different country, and now he lives in London with a man. The last time I ran into him before he left, he couldn’t even look me in the eye. The guilt still eats me up inside.” Angel wiped her damp eyes. “ I just feel responsible for ruining his life.”
Dr. Clark intervened.
“Angel you have a nasty habit of blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Yes, you shouldn’t have cheated on Zoltan, but he chose to leave his band as well as move away. Because your relationship was flawed, it would have ended soon anyway.”
Angel glanced at Ville who was twiddling his thumbs and looking at the floor. As she sobbed a little more, Ville suddenly got up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore,” he said to the doctor, then sped to the door. Seeing Angel so hurt, so broken, was killing Ville. Her situation with Zoltan, his fault. Her guilt, his fault. Her heart in pieces, all his fault. Ville suddenly felt that he had single handedly ruined Angel’s life.
Dr. Clark followed Ville trying to catch up with him. When he finally did, the doctor stopped Ville in his tracks.
“Mr. Valo, do you and Miss Wood have a preexisting relationship?”
Ville paused.
“No, why would you think that?”
“I’m not an idiot, Ville. Your stories would have overlapped eventually, and it seemed that they have just now. She was the student from University of Helsinki, yes?”
Ville said nothing.
Dr. Clark went back to the room, calling Angel out to the courtyard. Still in tears, Angel followed the doctor.
“We seem to have a situation on our hands,” Dr. Clark said to both of them. “You two should have come to me earlier. It is very unhealthy to go through rehabilitation with a distraction like an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend in the same group.” Dr. Clark jotted some words on his note pad, and then handed it to Ville.
“What’s this?” Ville asked.
“The times when you’re new group meets,” Dr. Clark said. “ You should be at different rehab facilities, but since the financial aspects of the session are taken care of for both of you, it is in your best interest not to leave. So instead you will be in different groups. I trust that because of your past, this is a relief for both of you. I just don’t understand why neither of you told us about this.”
Ville and Angel looked at each other as if searching for the answer in one another’s eyes.They both had no idea why they didn’t tell Dr. Clark.
“Ville, if you wish, you can finish this session tonight with us,” said Dr. Clark. “But your new group is doing the same exercises tomorrow.”
Ville looked at Angel again noticing the little makeup she was wearing was running down her face. She looked back at him. If Ville didn’t know any better, he’d say that Angel was pleading with those eyes for him to stay. He would have, but Ville physically couldn’t take anymore.
“I’ll go,” he said to the doctor, then left for his apartment.
Angel watched Ville go back home. She knew it was better for both of them that he wasn’t in the group anymore, but Angel began to feel horrible.
She had to stop herself from running after him.
Pairing: Ville Valo/ OFC
Rating: R to NC-17
Warning (this warning will get longer and longer): I love Ville but I don't own him, any other member/manager or project of HIM, Jonna, Bam, Missy, Maxim magazine, any random celebrity, High Voltage Tattoo or KAT Von D...even though I wish I did...free tattoos Please read and enjoy:)
Chapter 1-5
Chapter 6 and 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
CHAPTER 10
~Life Ruined~
July 10,2007
Day 13
For Christ’s fucking sake, it hurts.
Ville’s head throbbed like he had asked his professional ass-kicking brother Jesse to repeatedly punch him in the face. He gazed at the reflection in the bathroom mirror, wanting so badly to rip out his brain and replace it with a new one. Wanting more than anything to change lives with anyone. The deep purple lines under his eyes were now a deeper black. He hadn’t slept in about three days. Whether that was due to his dire need for nine beers or the fact that he might be a father, Ville didn’t know.
Jonna’s new boyfriend wasn’t the one who got her pregnant; she said the timing was wrong. The other two she all of a sudden didn’t “go all the way with,” so they didn’t knock her up. The only one left: poor lonely fucked up Ville. The happy fucking day.
-Okay I’ll pay for the abortion.
-But baby, I want to keep it.
What the fuck? You cheated on me three times and now all of a sudden you want to have a child with me? You’re a fucking liar, and I only asked you to marry me because I wanted to make Angel jealous. Yeah, you remember Angel. The girl I dated for six years. A woman I never forgot about. Yeah, she’s here. In rehab with me. And even when she swears she hates my guts, she shows me more compassion than you ever had. I love her. I never stopped loving her, and I have been in more pain in the last two years than I ever had because she wasn’t in my life.
That’s what Ville should have told Jonna.
But he didn’t.
I’ll call you tomorrow.
That was what he said to her.
Unfortunately, Ville did sleep with Jonna on many occasions, and this baby could no doubt be his. If Jonna keeps it and he was the father, for his child’s sake, he’d have to return to Jonna. He and Angel hadn’t so much as looked at each other in the past ten days. Ville could love her all he wanted, but it would be like one of her many fans, a useless obsession with a celebrity. He tried that night. He tried so hard to remind her of how it was between them. Sheer bliss. She loved it. He could see that in her eyes, but her mind wasn’t there. He had awakened her body, nothing more, that was it.
The thought of being with Jonna again made Ville twinge with pain, but maybe with a child, his life in Helsinki would be better. The baby might bring him and Jonna together. Closer than they ever were. He didn’t know how many times he had told himself this, but maybe he could learn to forget about Angel. He did always think he’d make a hell of a father.
This thought calmed him down, but Ville still knew that calling Jonna tomorrow would take a hell of a lot of will power.
Jesus, I need a fucking drink.
He put his hands on the sink, supporting all of his weight on the white marble. If he didn’t, Ville knew he would collapse.
****
Group 4
Session 7
“Hello everyone, sorry I am late. Business to attend to. I had to sign paperwork releasing the fourth person from this group today. Before we continue with this session, I would like to remind you eight wonderful people that the worst is almost over. Through my observance, I have noticed that within the third week, most that chose to drop out of the program do so. The pain is usually the most severe during this time, and this is when we get to the more psychologically grueling parts of the program. I urge you to hang on. The suffering you go through today will save your lives tomorrow. I just feel that you deserve a warning. This week will be one of the toughest of your lives.”
The doctor paused. Silence poisoned the room.
“Alright everyone,” he began again. “Let’s continue with today.”
“Doctor, I have an announcement,” said Mrs. Frey looking a little peppier than usual.
The doctor sighed.
“I’m sorry Miss Frey. I nearly forgot about your…surprise. Please go ahead.”
“Alrighty,” Miss Frey stood up into the middle of the circle and cleared her throat. “Well, as a congratulations on your success for graduating the program, Dr. Clark finally allowed me to plan a little party! The theme of this party is…and you all will love this…80’s prom night!”
The group let out a groan, but Angel thought it kinda sounded like fun.
What the fuck, Ville thought. Well, at least he had the clothes to dress the part.
Miss Frey let out a small squeal of excitement.
“The dance will be from 8 to 11 on the 27th of July. Oh and don’t forget to ask a date! See you all there!” Miss Frey nearly skipped out of the circle after her announcement, and Dr. Clark stood in her place.
“Thank you, Miss Frey,” he said. “I’m sure we’re all…excited about the celebration.”
Ville rolled his eyes.
“Now on to our session. Today’s topic. Romantic relationships.”
Angel sunk deeper into her chair. Ville twiddled his thumbs and stared at the floor.
“Don’t worry people, it’s not about what you think,” Dr. Clark said. “I don’t want to hear about a time when you were the victim. We will discuss that in your personal sessions. I want you to share with the group a time when you broke someone else’s heart. Sometimes being the heartbreaker can have an even more profound impact on your life than being the breakee. Again we shall go around the room.”
A man named Sean was first. He told the group about how he got engaged to the mother of his unborn child and then cheated on her while she was in labor.
Lula went next. She braided her stringy blond hair while she spoke of a boy she knew who wanted to marry her and make her move to New York with him, but she was too in love with California to leave. Angel couldn’t relate to Lula at all. Lula talked about California like a new lover. In her bloodshot eyes, it was perfect, and she would never leave. Angel just didn’t understand how anyone could fall in love with a place. What if the people in that place you love so dearly turn out to be somebody you didn’t think they were?
Ville was next. Angel knew he would talk about Su.
“I used to date a girl named Susanna,” he began. Angel smirked at her own accuracy. That’s when she realized that Ville didn’t break many hearts. In fact, she and Su were basically it.
“I loved her very much. More than I could tell you. I never acted like it, but Su was my life. My band was just getting big at the time I was dating her, and I had to hide the fact that I had a girlfriend, but after a while, I couldn’t help myself. I had to shout to the world about this girl, you know.”
Ville smiled in remembrance.
“Well one cold rainy night in Helsinki, I was in the studio with my band just jamming, and all of sudden, out of nowhere, my keyboarder comes waltzing in with…a girl.”
Angel pulled her hood over her head, and sank deeper into her chair.
“She was a student at the University of Helsinki from America, and my band mate was helping her find her way home,” said Ville, and Dr. Clark shot a quick glance at Angel who was bundled up in her extra large sweatshirt like she was about to brave a blizzard. “To this day…”
Here it comes, Angel thought. ‘She was a biggest slut I had ever met. She came on to me and ruined my relationship and my name is Ville Valo and I’m a douche bag.’
“She’s still one of the most breathtakingly beautiful girls I have ever met,” Ville stated. He could have lied and called Angel a slut, but Seppo wasn’t paying fifty thousand dollars for Ville to lie. So he spoke the truth. Her beauty did stop him in his tracks back then, and it still did. “I couldn’t help myself. I cheated on a woman I loved for no other reason except my own selfish lust.”
The last sentence stung Angel, but it was the truth. The first year of their relationship was sex, sex, and more sex. Maybe that’s why they didn’t work out. They were too busy having make-up sex after fights then actually solving the problem.
After a few more stories of cheating, lies, and betrayal, Angel had her turn.
“ I fell in love with a great guy,” she began. “He was into the same music as me, he was gorgeous, sweet, treated me like a princess, but...the relationship didn’t translate into our sex life.”
Ville’s head started spinning. Was she talking about him? She couldn’t have. Angel always loved having sex with him. She could have been faking. She wasn’t faking. Girls are good at faking. Oh Jesus, she was talking about him.
“We just didn’t mesh together well,” Angel stated. “So because of my young and crazy ways, I started…sleeping with his best friend. “
Ville took a deep breath. Thank God. She was talking about Zoltan.
“ I couldn’t…I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror after a while. I felt so sick to my stomach every time I’d do it, but I…I…was in love with his friend too. I was torn in half. I felt trapped between two men. One who didn’t care about me, but was amazing in bed.”
Angel, I cared about you more than anyone, Ville thought.
“…Or the first man who ever showed me kindness in a strange place. I was lost and alone, and he rescued me. He was so much fun. He did everything for me, and loved me very dearly. I guess I figured that I could be in a relationship with Zoltan, that was my boyfriend’s name, and just have sex with his friend. That would be okay.”
Angel’s voice choked up. A tear rolled down her cheek.
“ Zoltan was in a band with the guy I was sleeping with, and they had a couple gigs in Germany or somewhere.”
A couple? Christ, we were on tour for like 2 years straight, Ville thought.
“ His friend and I were backstage in some small storage room or something. Somewhere nobody would be able to find us unless they were looking for us. Well apparently two people were. The guy I was sleeping with had a girlfriend and she knew that we were messing around. When the two of us went missing, she told Zoltan, and they both eventually stormed into the storage room, catching us mid-act.”
Angel’s tears started flowing more freely.
“ Zoltan was never the same. He quit the band, he moved to a different country, and now he lives in London with a man. The last time I ran into him before he left, he couldn’t even look me in the eye. The guilt still eats me up inside.” Angel wiped her damp eyes. “ I just feel responsible for ruining his life.”
Dr. Clark intervened.
“Angel you have a nasty habit of blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault. Yes, you shouldn’t have cheated on Zoltan, but he chose to leave his band as well as move away. Because your relationship was flawed, it would have ended soon anyway.”
Angel glanced at Ville who was twiddling his thumbs and looking at the floor. As she sobbed a little more, Ville suddenly got up.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore,” he said to the doctor, then sped to the door. Seeing Angel so hurt, so broken, was killing Ville. Her situation with Zoltan, his fault. Her guilt, his fault. Her heart in pieces, all his fault. Ville suddenly felt that he had single handedly ruined Angel’s life.
Dr. Clark followed Ville trying to catch up with him. When he finally did, the doctor stopped Ville in his tracks.
“Mr. Valo, do you and Miss Wood have a preexisting relationship?”
Ville paused.
“No, why would you think that?”
“I’m not an idiot, Ville. Your stories would have overlapped eventually, and it seemed that they have just now. She was the student from University of Helsinki, yes?”
Ville said nothing.
Dr. Clark went back to the room, calling Angel out to the courtyard. Still in tears, Angel followed the doctor.
“We seem to have a situation on our hands,” Dr. Clark said to both of them. “You two should have come to me earlier. It is very unhealthy to go through rehabilitation with a distraction like an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend in the same group.” Dr. Clark jotted some words on his note pad, and then handed it to Ville.
“What’s this?” Ville asked.
“The times when you’re new group meets,” Dr. Clark said. “ You should be at different rehab facilities, but since the financial aspects of the session are taken care of for both of you, it is in your best interest not to leave. So instead you will be in different groups. I trust that because of your past, this is a relief for both of you. I just don’t understand why neither of you told us about this.”
Ville and Angel looked at each other as if searching for the answer in one another’s eyes.They both had no idea why they didn’t tell Dr. Clark.
“Ville, if you wish, you can finish this session tonight with us,” said Dr. Clark. “But your new group is doing the same exercises tomorrow.”
Ville looked at Angel again noticing the little makeup she was wearing was running down her face. She looked back at him. If Ville didn’t know any better, he’d say that Angel was pleading with those eyes for him to stay. He would have, but Ville physically couldn’t take anymore.
“I’ll go,” he said to the doctor, then left for his apartment.
Angel watched Ville go back home. She knew it was better for both of them that he wasn’t in the group anymore, but Angel began to feel horrible.
She had to stop herself from running after him.