Puppet Who 71-80
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chapter 71 Bily
Martha-puppet was sitting alone in the TARDIS kitchen, humming a tune from High School Musical, when a large plate of catfish appeared before her.
"Yum!" she exclaimed, wolfing it down eagerly.
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Meanwhile, Ten and Rose were in the supply closet...
Painting Ten-puppet blue.
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After eating the catfish, Martha-puppet realised that she was allergic. And so she ran with all the speed she could muster to the loo, hoping she would make it on time.
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"Voilà!" cried Ten-puppet, holding the paintbrush up triumphantly. "She is finito!"
"You're a man," said Rose-puppet pointedly.
"Ah, yes. What I mean to say was: HE is finito!"
"Riiiiiiiiiiiight."
chapter 72 moonmonkey (moonmonkeylj )
Meanwhile, Seven-puppet was thinking. Because, frankly, someone had to. Here they all were, facing the greatest threat known to satirical fanfic - the copyright enforcer. And what was everyone doing? Writing novels, eating catfish, painting themselves blue, eating pizza, discussing the artistic legacy of green singing frogs, eating Jaffa Cakes, tangling their plot lines, cackling away in sub-plots that never seem to quite get off the ground, ripping off bona fide comic genuises and generally getting carried away with themselves…..
Someone had to get a grip. Stealthily, and keeping a careful eye out for the roaming Evil Eight-puppet, Seven-puppet creped around the TARDIS.
First, he sticked his head into the kitchen and told Nine-puppet and Five-puppet to put the kettle on. Then he made his way carefully down the corridor to where he could hear the sounds of recorder playing. After depositing Two-puppet he dragged Three-puppet away from tinkering with Bessie, got Four-puppet from the console room (he let Fred tag along), and then went and eventually persuaded One-puppet to quit out of Tomb Raider and brought him along as well. Finally he went and, rolling his eyes, got blue Ten-puppet out of the supply closet.
“Right, can I have all my attention, please?” Seven-puppet addressed himselves. And Fred. Oh, and Jack-puppet, who had been allowed to join them on the promise that he won’t try and read anyone any of his book, and that he’ll stop showing off his new wooden bits to anyone that doesn’t avert their gaze quick enough…
“What’s going on, Seven-puppet?”
“Yeah, why are we all in the kitchen..?”
“What’s going on is that we need to get our act together! And we’re in the kitchen because…. Well because with this one (he points upwards to the strange box with blue underlined writing that up until this point no-one had noticed hanging over their heads..) we just always seem to end up in the kitchen…”
He got a grip on himself,
“Look lads, the point is that we face the greatest threat we’ve ever known. The copyright enforcer. What are we going to do..?”
There was a general shuffling of little fabric feet - except Jack puppet who’s now showing off his wooden feet by practising an elaborate tap routine on the kitchen table…
“Can’t we just…. ?”
“Yes, Five-puppet?”
“Can’t we just send in the girl puppets - they sorted out that business in the Valley of the Dolls, after all?”
Seven-puppet turned on Five-puppet,
“For Rassilon’s sake man, have you not been paying attention? The copyright enforcer is Evil Eight-puppet.”
Five-puppet looked blank,
“Evil Eight-puppet.” repeated Seven-puppet. “Eight. Gone. Bad. Not old Eight-puppet, who’d give’em a kiss, a smile and then insist he just wants to be friends. Evil Eight, who’s going to use bad words, snog the face off of ‘em and then follow through…. They’re going to be queuing up - and not to smack him over the head with Spooney-Six, either..”
“Oh…. I see what you mean….. Nope, we’re really in trouble then…”
Seven-puppet took off his hat and twisteed it in his hands, bracing himself for what he had to say next,
“Well, there is one solution. It’s drastic, and it flies in all the rules of fanfic, but it might be our only chance….”
“WHAT??” chorused his other selves,
“Well, we can’t face the copyright enforcer. He’s got too much on us, too much that he can use against us. What we need now is….”
“YES??”
“Is…..”
“WHAT???”
“I never thought I’d hear myself saying this….”
“WE ARE GOING TO KILL YOU OURSELVES IF YOU DON’T GET ON WITH IT…”
“Weneedanoriginalcharacter”
“PARDON?”
“An original character. Someone who’s blagged their way into this without a licence, someone who could walk past RTD in a BBC corridor without a twitch…That’s the only character that can stand up against the copyright enforcer….”
All puppet heads turn to Fred, who has no idea what is going on, but is quite clear that it isn’t good…
“Oh come now” protested Two puppet, “You can’t send him in - he’s only a lad…”
“But there is someone else that could back him up, I think, unless I’ve got this badly wrong....” piped up Four-puppet,
“WHO?”
And instead of replying Four-puppet raised his puppet hands to his puppet lips and shouted as loud as he could,
“ZODIN! Oh, Zoooodiiiiin…. If you want to take over this universe, now’s your chance…. We need you!! ZOODIIIN…”
chapter 73 ThroughanAmberFocus (amberfocus )
“Wait,” said Rose-puppet, who’d been standing in the doorway listening. “Are you really sure you want to do that?”
“Call back Zodin?” asked Four puppet.
“No,” said Rose. “Use an original character? I mean, you know, they all seem to have that one serious problem…"
“What problem is that, then?” asked Ten-puppet. “Wandering off?”
“No, not that one,” said Rose.
“Shagging all the indigenous life forms on whatever planet you visit?” asked Jack.
“Not that one, either!” Rose-puppet stomped her little trainer covered foot.
“Oh,” said Nine-puppet, his voice getting all gloomy and dismal. “I see what you mean.”
“What?” Asked One-puppet starting to sound as irritated as he generally looked.
“Simple, really,” said Nine-puppet. “Original characters think for themselves. We won’t be able to control one.”
“Let’s just think about this a minute,” said Five-puppet, his eyes drawn to the attractive form of Rose-puppet standing in the doorway. She noticed his expression and stood up straighter.
“It’s the coat that turned him evil, yeah?” said Rose. There was a general murmur of agreement on that turn of thought.
“So we just need to get the coat off of him and all the copyright infringement stuff should wander away on it’s own.”
“True,” said Spooney-Six. “But that’s easier said than done. That coat has a mind of its own sometimes.”
“Apparently,” said Three. “You know this never would have happened if Eight-puppet had gotten a hold of one of my velvet smoking jackets.” Three looked up nervously as Jack-puppet began edging towards him at the mention of velvet.
“Well, I hate to say this, but I think we need to get Rose’s mum back here,” said Ten-puppet. “If anyone is going to get a man out of his clothes against his will, it’ll be her. She could de-coat just about anyone. Evil Eight wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“Bringing Jackie-puppet back could be very dangerous,” said Nine-puppet. “It might be safer all around to use the original character.”
“Even if it thinks for itself?” Said Four-puppet.
“Have you met Rose’s mum?” Something unyielding in Nine-puppet’s voice made Four-puppet scramble to his feet. “Zodin,” he hollered even more loudly than before. “Zodin!”
chapter 74 moonmonkey (moonmonkeylj )
“Hey, guys, hey, wait!”
Jack-puppet seemed to think that his lofty position on top of the kitchen table gave him the right to interrupt Four puppet and address the meeting at this point,
“WHAT?” asked the meeting,
“Well, before we commit ourselves, and if we’re talking options - and that’s a good thing, to have options, we should consider them all carefully - isn’t there one we’ve forgotten? One that we’re good at, that we all enjoy???”
“WHAT’S THAT?” asked the meeting,
“Why, the full on, total cast, musical number!!!!! A one, a two, a one, two, three, four…altogether now..”
“OH, WE'RE *NOT* KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE, *BUT* WE STILL DANCE WHENEVER WE'RE ABLE………”
chapter 75 herk (herk227 )
When the musical interlude was over, Four-puppet began again to shout for Zodin.
"Zodin! Zodin!"
"You can stop shouting." a new young female voice stated.
"Zodin?" Four-puppet was confused.
"No, sorry Zodin-puppet is still unavailable because of his cackling contest with Master-puppet. But maybe I can help." The new little puppet with mysterious grey-green eyes and the cute freckles offered modestly.
Ten-puppet took two steps towards her. "And who are you?" he asked intrigued by this newcomer.
Nine-puppet's eyes widened in horror. "Stay away from her!" He desperately grabbed for Ten-puppet's suit to pull him back.
"Why she seems nice - and attractive and she wants to help." Ten was mightily confused.
"What?!" Rose-puppet screamed.
"I think she's..." Nine-puppet started "Oh forget it, she's nice, she seems like she has her own head and is a wise-ass about everything but... I think I like her." Because he too had gone to close to the new girl-puppet, when he had tried to rescue Ten.
"Oh poor Doctor, you have lost your Rose, but don't worry I will help you to get her back."
"I'm standing right here." Rose-puppet protested.
"Oh, you don't know it yet - oops - silly me. Anyway after I healed you and made all your problems disappear, you will take me as your new companion and Jack will fall for me and we all will be great friends."
Five-puppet smiled vaguely, he was standing just at the edge of the new puppets sphere of influence. "She does seem nice."
"Yeah." Nine-puppet agreed, we could use someone to sort our mess out."
"STAY AWAY FROM HER!" Seven-puppet commanded in his most impressive voice. "She is the most dreadful monster of fanfic, the archetypal OC...."
"Hello everyone." the cute puppet smiled and waved her little fabric hand. "I'm Mary-Sue."
chapter 76 Bily
"Mary-Sue?" Seven-puppet managed to choke out.
"Yes, I am Mary-Sue."
"Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no."
"Who's Mary-Sue?" asked One-puppet.
"I am Zodin's third cousin, twice removed. Or was it second cousin, three times removed? Ehm, either way, I am somehow related to Zodin."
"Which Zodin? He's got a sister called Zodin too."
"Both, you imbecile! If I'm related to him, then I'm obviously related to his sister as well!"
"Oh. Right."
"I've had it with you idiots! GOODBYE!"
And with that, Mary-Sue disappeared, leaving the nine puppet incarnations of the Doctor, Jack-puppet, Rose-puppet, Fred, and the little box hanging from the ceiling all alone in the kitchen.
"Well then," said Jack, jumping up onto the table, which just so happened to be round. "I believe it's time for another song."
"Oh no," murmured Rose.
"Ready? And five, six, seven, eight..."
"We're Knights of the Round Table, we dance when ere we're able, we do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spam a lot!"
"We're Knights of the Round Table," sang Rose-puppet, who had decided to just go with the flow.
"Our shows are formidable, But many times, we're given rhymes that are quite unsingable!"
"We're Opera mad in Camelot," sang Jack-puppet.
"We sing from the diaphragma looooooot!"
At this moment, Ten-puppet ran to the nearest piano and began to play the catchy little tune that went something like doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo.
"In war we're tough and able," they sang.
"Quite indefatigable, between our quests we sequin vests, and impersonate Clark Gable. "
"It's a busy life in Camelot," sang Rose. And then it happened. Jack's long-awaited solo.
"I have to push the pram a looooooooooottttt!"
And the tune continued, as the puppets clapped their felt hands.
"Yay!" they all cried.
And that was that.
chapter 77 Bily
After finishing their song, the puppets decided to sing another.
"I've got just the song!" cried Two-puppet. "It's called England."
And the music began, thanks to Ten's masterful piano skills.
"Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland. It's the country for me!"
"You're so near to Russia," sang Rose-puppet, in a heavenly voice. "So far from Japan. Quite a long way from Cairo, lots of miles from Vietnam."
"Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I want to be," the rest sang. "Eating breakfast or dinner, or snack lunch in the hall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all!"
"You're so sadly neglected, and often ignored," sang Jack-puppet. "A poor second to Belgium, when going abroad."
"Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to be, your mountains so lofty, your treetops so tall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all!"
"Finland!" cried Spoony-Six, out of nowhere.
"Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to be, your mountains so lofty, your treetops so tall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all!"
"Finland has it all..."
And the fade out continued, until a voice broke the silence.
"STOP!" cried Two-puppet, enraged. "I said England!"
"Oh..."
chapter 77b musical interlude Bily
Today's intermission song will be Traffic Lights. Enjoy.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But only when they're green.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But only when they're green.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
That is what I said.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But not when they are red.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
That is what he said.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But not when they are red.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
Although my name's not Bamber.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I...Oh God!
Thank you for listening, and enjoy the rest of the show!
chapter 78 herk (herk227 )
"Stop this! Stop this immediately!" a new wooden voice shouted. "This fic has become way too silly. It was a nice idea all the Python quotes and the musical numbers, but now it got out of hand. I demand that this is stopped immediately."
The camera slowly turned away from the Brigadier-who-had-been-turned-into-a-nutcracker.
"Stop it. I am talking and..."
"Say who's that and why is he turned into a nutcracker?" Rose-puppet asked.
"That's the Brigadier." Two-puppet readily complied. "I always thought he acted a little bit wooden."
"Hey Alistair." Ten-puppet asked. "If you think this is getting too much into a quote fest, why are you sounding like Graham Chapman?"
"Damn." the Brigadier-nutcracker swore. "Got myself into trouble, didn't I?"
"Oh don't you worry my dear Brigadier that seems to happen to all of us around here." Seven said smilingly.
"Doesn't change that we have still an Evil-me-puppet to stop." puppet-Nine impatiently reminded them. "We can't get Zodin right now and we've lost Mary-Sue (Thank Rassilon). Any ideas?"
Jack-puppet opened his mouth.
"If you're going to sing now, I swear I'll kill you Jack." Nine threatened in a very low voice.
"I just wanted to say, he said he hated pizza." Jack contributed in a very small voice.
"Good." Seven-puppet said. "So where is the pizza Fred brought with him?"
Every puppet looked around, only Four shuffled his feet in shame.
"I ate it." he confessed.
A moment later he cried "ZODIN!" in full panic, since the other puppets were closing in on him.
chapter 79 ClocketPatch (clocketpatch )
Now, you may all be wondering at the “oh god!” ending to the traffic lights song. During the musical number on Finland Mary-Sue had reappeared in the back of the TARDIS, but the puppety cast was so enamoured with their singing that they failed to notice the danger.
She might have remained un-noticed (especially dangerous when the author doesn’t detect her presence) except, being a Mary-Sue, she had to show off her singing voice. She waited patiently through the traffic lights song, realising that any noise might betray her position, but she just had to join in for the last verse.
Her voice, like the song of angels, like the keening of a mourning dove, like the tinkle of bells on Santa’s sleigh, like the delicate strings of David’s harp; more powerful and dazzling and soothing and sweet and hansom than the chorus of the Time herself (add more adjectives here) - was instantly recognisable as Mary-Sue.
“Oh god!” said Jack, “I thought you’d gone.”
Mary-Sue batted her eyes at him. Wooden Jack nearly fell to his knees. So beautiful was she, so wonderful her song… truly this was a mighty woman. Anything she did would be graced with miracles and finesse.
“Beware,” murmured Seven-puppet.
Mary-Sue turned her beautiful, bewitching eyes to him.
“Don’t you love me?” she purred, “everyone else loves me.”
“We love her,” recited all of the other puppets present.
“Your foul siren’s song has no effect on me,” said Seven-puppet. With that he raised his hands to the sides of his head, and then dropped them. He held out a palm to Mary-Sue revealing… ear plugs.
“I know from my great experience as Time’s Champion that a Mary-Sue would never disappear so easily. Your kind are like coach roaches or Daleks; always coming back.”
Mary-Sue giggled. “That’s right, I’m impossible to kill. And if I ever do die it has to be in a melodramatic fashion, involving kittens, and self-sacrifice. So you see, you won’t be able to get rid of me ever! And now that you’ve taken your ear plugs out I can win you over quite -“
“Stop!” Seven-puppet said. He placed a finger over his lips and said more quietly: “stop. Do not doubt me Mary-Sue. I have defeated Evil from the Dawn of Time, yes, I see the fear on your face. I am more than just another Time Lord. I am in fact half Mary-Sue, on my mother’s side.”
At those words all of the puppet Doctors present shook off Mary-Sue’s spell.
“Aww,” said Ten, “why’d you have to tell her that? That’s one of my best kept secrets that is…”
Seven-puppet glared at him.
“You, my friend, have made the transformation to complete Gary-Sue sometime ago, and I pity you. None the less, in this incarnation I still hold some shreds of originality, and I am Time’s Champion, and the President Elect of the High Council of Gallifrey…”
“Well so am I,” said Four-puppet, “but you don’t hear me bragging about it.”
Seven-puppet smacked him with his brolly (it had been puppified into one of those little umbrellas that you get in fancy drinks).
“I have a deal for you Mary-Sue,” said Seven-puppet, “To preserve to time lines and save the universe we must reverse the ray which turned us into puppets. The original equipment was destroyed by the Evil Barbie Empress, and the ray’s architect - the Dastardly Zodin - was unable to rebuild it. We believe that he was under the command of some higher power at the time, but the nature of that ominous force remains hidden. Also, two of my former incarnations have been combined and transformed into that most devilish of fiends: The Copy-Right Enforcer. I believe this may also have been the work of that force which turned us into puppets.
“As fanfic characters, none of us can hope to defeat the Copy-Right enforcer and returned his components to their natural forms. Therefore, the fate of the universe rests in your hands Mary-Sue. What do you say?”
Mary-Sue giggled.
“Saving the world is what I do best! And you’ll all love me by the end too!”
Everyone groaned.
Thus a pact was made with the Devil Incarnate, upon which would rest the fate of life, the universe, and fanfics everywhere.
chapter 80 moonmonkey (moonmonkeylj )
The Brigadier Nutcracker felt that his position as the military puppet of the outfit meant that it was now his responsibility to step forward.
“Right, men. I mean puppets… and ladies….” He harrumphed, coughed and started again,
“Right. We now have an excellent strategy in place. Send in the Mary-Sue against the Copyright Enforcer. But in battle, it is not only a matter of strategy, it is a matter of tactics..”
“Meaning…?” asked Seven puppet, obligingly, so that the chapter could get going…
“Meaning that we have to be very careful with this deadly weapon. As has already been pointed out, bringing in Original Characters can be very dangerous. They can be very hard to control. Now, as has also been pointed out, the power of the Mary-Sue is the influence that she has over every other character that comes into contact with her, even evil ones… But, we must not forget that her fundamental weakness is that she is the vehicle for the darkest fantasies of her creator and controller. “
All the other puppets look at each other, “Ohhhh”
“But”, the Brig-Cracker continues, “We have a top of the range Mary Sue here. A skilful set of stereotypes in completely puppified form, in the hands of a multi-author piece. And she’s on a mission to destroy. That will certainly minimise any danger. So we have to be extra-careful not to let ourselves down by putting her in the wrong hands for her confrontation with the Copyright Enforcer.”
Slowly, cautiously the Brig-Cracker raises his eyes to the strange box with the blue underlined writing. His little wooden jaw drops in horror.
“Quick man!” He barks at Seven puppet, “Get that Mary Sue under the kitchen table. Now! And the rest of you stand very, very still.” He points upwards,
“This is exactly what I’m talking about. This is the worst possible chapter for sending in Mary Sue puppet against Evil Eight puppet. If she goes in now, under that name, she’ll lose it completely and we’ll all be totally stuffed. And not in a good way either..”
“What do you mean, that this won’t work if we leave it in the hands of old mo….?” asks Jack puppet,
“Quiet you fool! Don’t draw her attention to yourself. Everyone just stand very still, very quiet, until a responsible author hangs up their name up there and gets on with this in a manner that’s not likely to completely kick the lid off our ratings and that won’t leave everyone involved with hideous mental scars that they’ll carry for the rest of their days…..”
next chapter
chapter 71 Bily
Martha-puppet was sitting alone in the TARDIS kitchen, humming a tune from High School Musical, when a large plate of catfish appeared before her.
"Yum!" she exclaimed, wolfing it down eagerly.
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Meanwhile, Ten and Rose were in the supply closet...
Painting Ten-puppet blue.
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After eating the catfish, Martha-puppet realised that she was allergic. And so she ran with all the speed she could muster to the loo, hoping she would make it on time.
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"Voilà!" cried Ten-puppet, holding the paintbrush up triumphantly. "She is finito!"
"You're a man," said Rose-puppet pointedly.
"Ah, yes. What I mean to say was: HE is finito!"
"Riiiiiiiiiiiight."
chapter 72 moonmonkey (moonmonkeylj )
Meanwhile, Seven-puppet was thinking. Because, frankly, someone had to. Here they all were, facing the greatest threat known to satirical fanfic - the copyright enforcer. And what was everyone doing? Writing novels, eating catfish, painting themselves blue, eating pizza, discussing the artistic legacy of green singing frogs, eating Jaffa Cakes, tangling their plot lines, cackling away in sub-plots that never seem to quite get off the ground, ripping off bona fide comic genuises and generally getting carried away with themselves…..
Someone had to get a grip. Stealthily, and keeping a careful eye out for the roaming Evil Eight-puppet, Seven-puppet creped around the TARDIS.
First, he sticked his head into the kitchen and told Nine-puppet and Five-puppet to put the kettle on. Then he made his way carefully down the corridor to where he could hear the sounds of recorder playing. After depositing Two-puppet he dragged Three-puppet away from tinkering with Bessie, got Four-puppet from the console room (he let Fred tag along), and then went and eventually persuaded One-puppet to quit out of Tomb Raider and brought him along as well. Finally he went and, rolling his eyes, got blue Ten-puppet out of the supply closet.
“Right, can I have all my attention, please?” Seven-puppet addressed himselves. And Fred. Oh, and Jack-puppet, who had been allowed to join them on the promise that he won’t try and read anyone any of his book, and that he’ll stop showing off his new wooden bits to anyone that doesn’t avert their gaze quick enough…
“What’s going on, Seven-puppet?”
“Yeah, why are we all in the kitchen..?”
“What’s going on is that we need to get our act together! And we’re in the kitchen because…. Well because with this one (he points upwards to the strange box with blue underlined writing that up until this point no-one had noticed hanging over their heads..) we just always seem to end up in the kitchen…”
He got a grip on himself,
“Look lads, the point is that we face the greatest threat we’ve ever known. The copyright enforcer. What are we going to do..?”
There was a general shuffling of little fabric feet - except Jack puppet who’s now showing off his wooden feet by practising an elaborate tap routine on the kitchen table…
“Can’t we just…. ?”
“Yes, Five-puppet?”
“Can’t we just send in the girl puppets - they sorted out that business in the Valley of the Dolls, after all?”
Seven-puppet turned on Five-puppet,
“For Rassilon’s sake man, have you not been paying attention? The copyright enforcer is Evil Eight-puppet.”
Five-puppet looked blank,
“Evil Eight-puppet.” repeated Seven-puppet. “Eight. Gone. Bad. Not old Eight-puppet, who’d give’em a kiss, a smile and then insist he just wants to be friends. Evil Eight, who’s going to use bad words, snog the face off of ‘em and then follow through…. They’re going to be queuing up - and not to smack him over the head with Spooney-Six, either..”
“Oh…. I see what you mean….. Nope, we’re really in trouble then…”
Seven-puppet took off his hat and twisteed it in his hands, bracing himself for what he had to say next,
“Well, there is one solution. It’s drastic, and it flies in all the rules of fanfic, but it might be our only chance….”
“WHAT??” chorused his other selves,
“Well, we can’t face the copyright enforcer. He’s got too much on us, too much that he can use against us. What we need now is….”
“YES??”
“Is…..”
“WHAT???”
“I never thought I’d hear myself saying this….”
“WE ARE GOING TO KILL YOU OURSELVES IF YOU DON’T GET ON WITH IT…”
“Weneedanoriginalcharacter”
“PARDON?”
“An original character. Someone who’s blagged their way into this without a licence, someone who could walk past RTD in a BBC corridor without a twitch…That’s the only character that can stand up against the copyright enforcer….”
All puppet heads turn to Fred, who has no idea what is going on, but is quite clear that it isn’t good…
“Oh come now” protested Two puppet, “You can’t send him in - he’s only a lad…”
“But there is someone else that could back him up, I think, unless I’ve got this badly wrong....” piped up Four-puppet,
“WHO?”
And instead of replying Four-puppet raised his puppet hands to his puppet lips and shouted as loud as he could,
“ZODIN! Oh, Zoooodiiiiin…. If you want to take over this universe, now’s your chance…. We need you!! ZOODIIIN…”
chapter 73 ThroughanAmberFocus (amberfocus )
“Wait,” said Rose-puppet, who’d been standing in the doorway listening. “Are you really sure you want to do that?”
“Call back Zodin?” asked Four puppet.
“No,” said Rose. “Use an original character? I mean, you know, they all seem to have that one serious problem…"
“What problem is that, then?” asked Ten-puppet. “Wandering off?”
“No, not that one,” said Rose.
“Shagging all the indigenous life forms on whatever planet you visit?” asked Jack.
“Not that one, either!” Rose-puppet stomped her little trainer covered foot.
“Oh,” said Nine-puppet, his voice getting all gloomy and dismal. “I see what you mean.”
“What?” Asked One-puppet starting to sound as irritated as he generally looked.
“Simple, really,” said Nine-puppet. “Original characters think for themselves. We won’t be able to control one.”
“Let’s just think about this a minute,” said Five-puppet, his eyes drawn to the attractive form of Rose-puppet standing in the doorway. She noticed his expression and stood up straighter.
“It’s the coat that turned him evil, yeah?” said Rose. There was a general murmur of agreement on that turn of thought.
“So we just need to get the coat off of him and all the copyright infringement stuff should wander away on it’s own.”
“True,” said Spooney-Six. “But that’s easier said than done. That coat has a mind of its own sometimes.”
“Apparently,” said Three. “You know this never would have happened if Eight-puppet had gotten a hold of one of my velvet smoking jackets.” Three looked up nervously as Jack-puppet began edging towards him at the mention of velvet.
“Well, I hate to say this, but I think we need to get Rose’s mum back here,” said Ten-puppet. “If anyone is going to get a man out of his clothes against his will, it’ll be her. She could de-coat just about anyone. Evil Eight wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“Bringing Jackie-puppet back could be very dangerous,” said Nine-puppet. “It might be safer all around to use the original character.”
“Even if it thinks for itself?” Said Four-puppet.
“Have you met Rose’s mum?” Something unyielding in Nine-puppet’s voice made Four-puppet scramble to his feet. “Zodin,” he hollered even more loudly than before. “Zodin!”
chapter 74 moonmonkey (moonmonkeylj )
“Hey, guys, hey, wait!”
Jack-puppet seemed to think that his lofty position on top of the kitchen table gave him the right to interrupt Four puppet and address the meeting at this point,
“WHAT?” asked the meeting,
“Well, before we commit ourselves, and if we’re talking options - and that’s a good thing, to have options, we should consider them all carefully - isn’t there one we’ve forgotten? One that we’re good at, that we all enjoy???”
“WHAT’S THAT?” asked the meeting,
“Why, the full on, total cast, musical number!!!!! A one, a two, a one, two, three, four…altogether now..”
“OH, WE'RE *NOT* KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE, *BUT* WE STILL DANCE WHENEVER WE'RE ABLE………”
chapter 75 herk (herk227 )
When the musical interlude was over, Four-puppet began again to shout for Zodin.
"Zodin! Zodin!"
"You can stop shouting." a new young female voice stated.
"Zodin?" Four-puppet was confused.
"No, sorry Zodin-puppet is still unavailable because of his cackling contest with Master-puppet. But maybe I can help." The new little puppet with mysterious grey-green eyes and the cute freckles offered modestly.
Ten-puppet took two steps towards her. "And who are you?" he asked intrigued by this newcomer.
Nine-puppet's eyes widened in horror. "Stay away from her!" He desperately grabbed for Ten-puppet's suit to pull him back.
"Why she seems nice - and attractive and she wants to help." Ten was mightily confused.
"What?!" Rose-puppet screamed.
"I think she's..." Nine-puppet started "Oh forget it, she's nice, she seems like she has her own head and is a wise-ass about everything but... I think I like her." Because he too had gone to close to the new girl-puppet, when he had tried to rescue Ten.
"Oh poor Doctor, you have lost your Rose, but don't worry I will help you to get her back."
"I'm standing right here." Rose-puppet protested.
"Oh, you don't know it yet - oops - silly me. Anyway after I healed you and made all your problems disappear, you will take me as your new companion and Jack will fall for me and we all will be great friends."
Five-puppet smiled vaguely, he was standing just at the edge of the new puppets sphere of influence. "She does seem nice."
"Yeah." Nine-puppet agreed, we could use someone to sort our mess out."
"STAY AWAY FROM HER!" Seven-puppet commanded in his most impressive voice. "She is the most dreadful monster of fanfic, the archetypal OC...."
"Hello everyone." the cute puppet smiled and waved her little fabric hand. "I'm Mary-Sue."
chapter 76 Bily
"Mary-Sue?" Seven-puppet managed to choke out.
"Yes, I am Mary-Sue."
"Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no."
"Who's Mary-Sue?" asked One-puppet.
"I am Zodin's third cousin, twice removed. Or was it second cousin, three times removed? Ehm, either way, I am somehow related to Zodin."
"Which Zodin? He's got a sister called Zodin too."
"Both, you imbecile! If I'm related to him, then I'm obviously related to his sister as well!"
"Oh. Right."
"I've had it with you idiots! GOODBYE!"
And with that, Mary-Sue disappeared, leaving the nine puppet incarnations of the Doctor, Jack-puppet, Rose-puppet, Fred, and the little box hanging from the ceiling all alone in the kitchen.
"Well then," said Jack, jumping up onto the table, which just so happened to be round. "I believe it's time for another song."
"Oh no," murmured Rose.
"Ready? And five, six, seven, eight..."
"We're Knights of the Round Table, we dance when ere we're able, we do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spam a lot!"
"We're Knights of the Round Table," sang Rose-puppet, who had decided to just go with the flow.
"Our shows are formidable, But many times, we're given rhymes that are quite unsingable!"
"We're Opera mad in Camelot," sang Jack-puppet.
"We sing from the diaphragma looooooot!"
At this moment, Ten-puppet ran to the nearest piano and began to play the catchy little tune that went something like doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo.
"In war we're tough and able," they sang.
"Quite indefatigable, between our quests we sequin vests, and impersonate Clark Gable. "
"It's a busy life in Camelot," sang Rose. And then it happened. Jack's long-awaited solo.
"I have to push the pram a looooooooooottttt!"
And the tune continued, as the puppets clapped their felt hands.
"Yay!" they all cried.
And that was that.
chapter 77 Bily
After finishing their song, the puppets decided to sing another.
"I've got just the song!" cried Two-puppet. "It's called England."
And the music began, thanks to Ten's masterful piano skills.
"Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I want to be, pony trekking or camping, or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland. It's the country for me!"
"You're so near to Russia," sang Rose-puppet, in a heavenly voice. "So far from Japan. Quite a long way from Cairo, lots of miles from Vietnam."
"Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I want to be," the rest sang. "Eating breakfast or dinner, or snack lunch in the hall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all!"
"You're so sadly neglected, and often ignored," sang Jack-puppet. "A poor second to Belgium, when going abroad."
"Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to be, your mountains so lofty, your treetops so tall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all!"
"Finland!" cried Spoony-Six, out of nowhere.
"Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to be, your mountains so lofty, your treetops so tall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all!"
"Finland has it all..."
And the fade out continued, until a voice broke the silence.
"STOP!" cried Two-puppet, enraged. "I said England!"
"Oh..."
chapter 77b musical interlude Bily
Today's intermission song will be Traffic Lights. Enjoy.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But only when they're green.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But only when they're green.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
That is what I said.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But not when they are red.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
That is what he said.
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But not when they are red.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
Although my name's not Bamber.
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I...Oh God!
Thank you for listening, and enjoy the rest of the show!
chapter 78 herk (herk227 )
"Stop this! Stop this immediately!" a new wooden voice shouted. "This fic has become way too silly. It was a nice idea all the Python quotes and the musical numbers, but now it got out of hand. I demand that this is stopped immediately."
The camera slowly turned away from the Brigadier-who-had-been-turned-into-a-nutcracker.
"Stop it. I am talking and..."
"Say who's that and why is he turned into a nutcracker?" Rose-puppet asked.
"That's the Brigadier." Two-puppet readily complied. "I always thought he acted a little bit wooden."
"Hey Alistair." Ten-puppet asked. "If you think this is getting too much into a quote fest, why are you sounding like Graham Chapman?"
"Damn." the Brigadier-nutcracker swore. "Got myself into trouble, didn't I?"
"Oh don't you worry my dear Brigadier that seems to happen to all of us around here." Seven said smilingly.
"Doesn't change that we have still an Evil-me-puppet to stop." puppet-Nine impatiently reminded them. "We can't get Zodin right now and we've lost Mary-Sue (Thank Rassilon). Any ideas?"
Jack-puppet opened his mouth.
"If you're going to sing now, I swear I'll kill you Jack." Nine threatened in a very low voice.
"I just wanted to say, he said he hated pizza." Jack contributed in a very small voice.
"Good." Seven-puppet said. "So where is the pizza Fred brought with him?"
Every puppet looked around, only Four shuffled his feet in shame.
"I ate it." he confessed.
A moment later he cried "ZODIN!" in full panic, since the other puppets were closing in on him.
chapter 79 ClocketPatch (clocketpatch )
Now, you may all be wondering at the “oh god!” ending to the traffic lights song. During the musical number on Finland Mary-Sue had reappeared in the back of the TARDIS, but the puppety cast was so enamoured with their singing that they failed to notice the danger.
She might have remained un-noticed (especially dangerous when the author doesn’t detect her presence) except, being a Mary-Sue, she had to show off her singing voice. She waited patiently through the traffic lights song, realising that any noise might betray her position, but she just had to join in for the last verse.
Her voice, like the song of angels, like the keening of a mourning dove, like the tinkle of bells on Santa’s sleigh, like the delicate strings of David’s harp; more powerful and dazzling and soothing and sweet and hansom than the chorus of the Time herself (add more adjectives here) - was instantly recognisable as Mary-Sue.
“Oh god!” said Jack, “I thought you’d gone.”
Mary-Sue batted her eyes at him. Wooden Jack nearly fell to his knees. So beautiful was she, so wonderful her song… truly this was a mighty woman. Anything she did would be graced with miracles and finesse.
“Beware,” murmured Seven-puppet.
Mary-Sue turned her beautiful, bewitching eyes to him.
“Don’t you love me?” she purred, “everyone else loves me.”
“We love her,” recited all of the other puppets present.
“Your foul siren’s song has no effect on me,” said Seven-puppet. With that he raised his hands to the sides of his head, and then dropped them. He held out a palm to Mary-Sue revealing… ear plugs.
“I know from my great experience as Time’s Champion that a Mary-Sue would never disappear so easily. Your kind are like coach roaches or Daleks; always coming back.”
Mary-Sue giggled. “That’s right, I’m impossible to kill. And if I ever do die it has to be in a melodramatic fashion, involving kittens, and self-sacrifice. So you see, you won’t be able to get rid of me ever! And now that you’ve taken your ear plugs out I can win you over quite -“
“Stop!” Seven-puppet said. He placed a finger over his lips and said more quietly: “stop. Do not doubt me Mary-Sue. I have defeated Evil from the Dawn of Time, yes, I see the fear on your face. I am more than just another Time Lord. I am in fact half Mary-Sue, on my mother’s side.”
At those words all of the puppet Doctors present shook off Mary-Sue’s spell.
“Aww,” said Ten, “why’d you have to tell her that? That’s one of my best kept secrets that is…”
Seven-puppet glared at him.
“You, my friend, have made the transformation to complete Gary-Sue sometime ago, and I pity you. None the less, in this incarnation I still hold some shreds of originality, and I am Time’s Champion, and the President Elect of the High Council of Gallifrey…”
“Well so am I,” said Four-puppet, “but you don’t hear me bragging about it.”
Seven-puppet smacked him with his brolly (it had been puppified into one of those little umbrellas that you get in fancy drinks).
“I have a deal for you Mary-Sue,” said Seven-puppet, “To preserve to time lines and save the universe we must reverse the ray which turned us into puppets. The original equipment was destroyed by the Evil Barbie Empress, and the ray’s architect - the Dastardly Zodin - was unable to rebuild it. We believe that he was under the command of some higher power at the time, but the nature of that ominous force remains hidden. Also, two of my former incarnations have been combined and transformed into that most devilish of fiends: The Copy-Right Enforcer. I believe this may also have been the work of that force which turned us into puppets.
“As fanfic characters, none of us can hope to defeat the Copy-Right enforcer and returned his components to their natural forms. Therefore, the fate of the universe rests in your hands Mary-Sue. What do you say?”
Mary-Sue giggled.
“Saving the world is what I do best! And you’ll all love me by the end too!”
Everyone groaned.
Thus a pact was made with the Devil Incarnate, upon which would rest the fate of life, the universe, and fanfics everywhere.
chapter 80 moonmonkey (moonmonkeylj )
The Brigadier Nutcracker felt that his position as the military puppet of the outfit meant that it was now his responsibility to step forward.
“Right, men. I mean puppets… and ladies….” He harrumphed, coughed and started again,
“Right. We now have an excellent strategy in place. Send in the Mary-Sue against the Copyright Enforcer. But in battle, it is not only a matter of strategy, it is a matter of tactics..”
“Meaning…?” asked Seven puppet, obligingly, so that the chapter could get going…
“Meaning that we have to be very careful with this deadly weapon. As has already been pointed out, bringing in Original Characters can be very dangerous. They can be very hard to control. Now, as has also been pointed out, the power of the Mary-Sue is the influence that she has over every other character that comes into contact with her, even evil ones… But, we must not forget that her fundamental weakness is that she is the vehicle for the darkest fantasies of her creator and controller. “
All the other puppets look at each other, “Ohhhh”
“But”, the Brig-Cracker continues, “We have a top of the range Mary Sue here. A skilful set of stereotypes in completely puppified form, in the hands of a multi-author piece. And she’s on a mission to destroy. That will certainly minimise any danger. So we have to be extra-careful not to let ourselves down by putting her in the wrong hands for her confrontation with the Copyright Enforcer.”
Slowly, cautiously the Brig-Cracker raises his eyes to the strange box with the blue underlined writing. His little wooden jaw drops in horror.
“Quick man!” He barks at Seven puppet, “Get that Mary Sue under the kitchen table. Now! And the rest of you stand very, very still.” He points upwards,
“This is exactly what I’m talking about. This is the worst possible chapter for sending in Mary Sue puppet against Evil Eight puppet. If she goes in now, under that name, she’ll lose it completely and we’ll all be totally stuffed. And not in a good way either..”
“What do you mean, that this won’t work if we leave it in the hands of old mo….?” asks Jack puppet,
“Quiet you fool! Don’t draw her attention to yourself. Everyone just stand very still, very quiet, until a responsible author hangs up their name up there and gets on with this in a manner that’s not likely to completely kick the lid off our ratings and that won’t leave everyone involved with hideous mental scars that they’ll carry for the rest of their days…..”
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