Help...

Jan 28, 2007 22:41


Hello, everyone. This is Elizabeth Swann, fresh from the Official Fanfiction University of the Caribbean Islands. My primary function is to assist in forcing fangirls to learn, through pain, to be better authors. I am here, however, in response to an emergency.

Jack: Interesting format, this livejournal - reminiscent of a ship's log, in some ways.

Will: Livejournal? I wasn't aware that one needed to make a distinction.

Jack: Not even after the likes of Barbossa and Davy Jones?

Elizabeth: The point, gentlemen, is that Araeph went into a catatonic state upon reading this story, and we need to finish the log in her stead.

Jack: I assume there's some sort of bribery or blackmail involved. I only suffer this sort of torment under duress, or perhaps a hangover.

Will: If we don't finish the report, we can't put this story to rest. And if that happens, Norrington could find it.

Jack: Doesn't seem cause for alarm, lad...summary says he gets paired with some girl, aye? That shouldn't worry him overly. He should be happy to have any skirt that shows a passing fancy for him...especially in his condition.

Will: This one isn't in skirts, Jack.

*Jack peers at the text. His eyes widen.*
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Araeph's Unfinished LJ Entry:

TITLE: Your Devil Eyes

CULPRIT: Sakurademon

SUMMARY: Norrington finds an unexpected friend aboard the Black Pearl, but before he can confess his feelings will tragedy strike the two? Read to find out! Please R&R!

Verdict: N/A

NAME: No name.

HAIR: A mix between brown and white.

EYES: Brown, presumably. And they are devilish.

DISTINGUISHING FEATURES:

...

...

...

...

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I didn't mention a slight twist to the nature of Norrington's true love. Well, do you remember that scene where Pintel comes along and tosses a certain goat into Commodore Norrington's arms?

...

...

Yes. BUT, before you run away screaming, let me assure you that there's nothing explicit whatsoever. It's just a little insane, that's all. Okay, very insane. Okay, so FREAKIN' WEIRD THAT I -

End Log

Will: That's as much as she wrote. Aren't we the fortunate ones...
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The main PotC characters protest cruelty to goats and former commodores.

Your Devil Eyes
I DONT OWN POTC BUT I WISH I DID, I WANNA BE A PIRATE WHEN I GROW UP.

Jack: I shall send my condolences to your parents in advance, dearie. The sea is always ready to reclaim another victim of such crippling naiveté.

ANYWAYS, LOL, HERES A STORY ABOUT AN UNEXPECTED FRIEND NORRINGTON FOUND ON THE BLACK PEARL! Plz R&R!
--------------------

Commodore

Elizabeth: "No, not anymore; weren't you listening?" Honestly, pay a bit of attention to the man you're going to be writing about.

James Norrington stood on the pier staring at the Black Pearl, the ship he’d been chasing for years. He’d come to sail with Captain Jack Sparrow as a last resort.

Will: One wonders how desperate he must have been to sail under your colors, Jack.

Jack: Our erstwhile Commodore has a heartfelt admiration of my peerless sailing maneuvers, I'll have you know. It just happens to be buried under all of that gold trimming.

He had nothing to lose. He’d already lost his standing, his title, his dignity; a pirate ship wasn’t that much of a fall from grace anymore.

Jack: Word of advice, mate: think of it as a chance to make up for lost time. Often it's the ones most constricted by society as make the cleanest break from finery to piracy.

*Elizabeth is conspicuously silent*

Jack and Elizabeth, as beautiful as ever, her skin now tanned from sailing on the pirate ship, had welcomed him aboard after knocking him out in the bar fight. Norrington took another swig of rum. At least he had that left.

Elizabeth: Not anymore. What do you think I used to clunk him over the head?

He was happy to leave Tortuga, he would miss the easy women, but they were all pirates in the end.

Will: The words whore and pirate are now interchangeable? That certainly...alters one's outlook on piracy.

Jack: Doesn't vex me, mate. By any and all definitions of the term, I'm still the best pirate you've ever seen.

Will: Ugh, Jack...

Jack: Just ask our dear Miss Swann.

Elizabeth: JACK!

He couldn’t bring himself to go near them.

Jack: The fine nuances of this pleasure port are wasted on that man. Could've at least gone off with that redhead that I threw at Will that one time.

Will: *flushes* I practically had to beat her back with my blade-

Jack: That wasn't a request for further information on said event.

Will: *hotly* I wasn't insinuating that-that my blade was...well, you know...

Jack: *pat Will's shoulder* Don't worry, lad, I'm not judgmental.

Will: *covers his head with his hands*

Jack: *unperturbed* Each man has his own style. Although, I'm interested on how you managed to-

Elizabeth: Just how many more times are you going to try and bait us, Jack Sparrow?

Jack: A good relationship should be able to survive such adversity! And if not, I highly recommend the brunette lifting her skirt over that man on the balcony.

He scratched at his head, his wig was coming off in stringy pieces, he sighed and suddenly Sparrow appeared. He placed a goat in Norrington’s arms, patted him on the back and walked up to the Pearl. Norrington staggered from the sudden extra weight. What? A goat?

Elizabeth *giggles*

Will: As much trouble as Norrington's causing us now, I admit to feeling some sort of pity for him.

Elizabeth: Being on a ship with Pintel and Ragetti will instill a feeling of pity for anyone.

Jack: Jealous of old Norrie's newest love interest, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: Well, for practically anyone.

Norrington looked at the goat and noticed he had dropped his last bottle of rum when handed the goat. Who needs a live goat on board? To eat? For milk? He gagged at the thought of drinking goat’s milk from a goat this skinny and smelly.

Will: You know, for a naval officer, he isn't behaving like someone who's ever set foot on a ship. Provisions can't be kept fresh for long, and even the commanders at sea make do with foul food when they have to.

He himself wasn’t so rosy smelling himself but he never liked farm animals. He did feel a little bad for it, it was

Will: It was what, Suethor?

Elizabeth: Dressed in ribbons and lace?

Jack: Manhandled by Pintel before James rescued it?

Will: Thank you, Jack, for that nightmare.

Elizabeth: The sad part is, having spent time on Barbossa's ship myself, I'm not entirely certain this behavior would be uncharacteristic of Pintel.

He walked up the plank and placed the goat down. He decided to speak to Elizabeth; maybe her father could help him. Maybe if he brought her home he could get in Governor Swann’s good graces. As he walked he heard a clopping sound behind him. He turned and saw the goat, its matted fur a mix between brown and white. Its eyes were square.

Will: This author writes the strangest descriptions. Those eyes don't belong to any farm animal I've ever seen.

He shivered as he meet its hopeful gaze. Why have something so filthy on a ship? Something with cloven feet and the devil’s eyes. He kept walking. The goat kept following.

Elizabeth: "If I'm patient, he'll stumble and I can eat his wig!"

He had gotten to Elizabeth’s cabin and turned back to look at the goat. How had it gotten down the ladder? No matter, he knocked.

“What?” A voice called from inside.

“Ah, Ms. Swann, it is James Norrington,” He said trying his best to sound like his old self and sounding more like a whiny school boy.

Will: From the looks of things, Norrington has gone through more than one rough patch since I last laid eyes on him. Comparing him to a whiny schoolboy is not only inaccurate; it downplays exactly how dangerous he has become.

The door opened. Elizabeth looked bored and annoyed. “Yes James?”

“Uh,” He had forgotten what he was going to say. In fact, he never had an idea what he was going to say. “Do you…know where the goat goes?”

“Excuse me?” She looked even more annoyed now.

“The goat,” He moved so she could see the goat that had followed him.

“Norrington, there is no goat there. Maybe you’ve had too much rum...” She looked a little worried. James turned around and saw that there was in fact no goat.

Will: Oh, dear God.

Elizabeth: When I asked him what the world had done to him, I didn't quite know the extent of it.

Jack: A smidgen of advice, Norrington: while the phrase "daft like Jack" happens to be a form of praise among my crew, it is in no way meant to be taken literally. Or...physically.

“There was one a second ago…” He trailed off and looked around for it. It was simply gone. Maybe he had gotten too much sun.

“Is that all you have to say to me?” She had herself wedged in the door and was slowly closing it.

“Well, I was hoping you and I could talk about what you are doing on this pirate ship. I mean, does your father know where you are and-”

“That is none of your business,” Elizabeth said tartly and closed the door rudely in Norrington’s face.

Elizabeth: Why am I rude without reason? He's losing his grip on reality to be certain, but I've no cause to snap at him.

Jack: It so happens, Love, that you were just impatient to get on with your duties, such as "dining with the captain," per my former offer.

Elizabeth: You mean, in a dress or naked? Not only did that fail to impress, you're not the first ship's captain to be making those demands.

Jack: It wasn't only my ship that Barbossa stole, I see...he's taken possession of my best seduction lines.

Elizabeth: Best? Oh, come, surely you can-

*Will coughs*

Elizabeth: Darling, I'm just baiting him back...it's his comeuppance for all of those unsavory allusions earlier.

Will: You're telling me that you'll try to out-taunt Jack Sparrow?

Jack: Can't be done, of course, but the consolation prize is spectacular.

Will: *hastily* Next sentence!

Elizabeth: What? I had a retort ready for him!

He pouted a little and went back up the ladder, maybe the goat wasn’t real and he needed some fresh air after being in that bar all day. He sat down on a crate and held his head in his hands.

He heard a clopping sound and looked up to see the goat, he jumped back a little startled and fell backwards off the crate. The goat came around and started gnawing his dirty coat. Maybe they were going to eat the goat for dinner. His stomach growled at the idea, he hadn’t eaten in two days. He decided to go to his room and take a nap. The goat followed.

Elizabeth: Is this some sort of warped animal magnetism?

Jack: Nah, he probably just smells like rubbish. Goats can't resist that stuff, y'know.

Once in his room he took off his coat and lay down on the hammock that was his bed. It was actually quite comfortable. He closed his eyes and immediately felt his hammock sway and a pressure on his chest. His eyes popped open and there, contently laying its head on his chest was the goat. “Good Lord,” Norrington tried to push the goat off him but it stubbornly stayed and then nibbled daintily on his shirt.

Will: It will baffle me forever that someone thought this was a story worth sharing with the world.

Norrington tried a few more times to push it off and finally feel asleep from the effort.

Will: Man doesn't have much stamina, does he?

Elizabeth *affectionately*: We can't all practice swordplay three hours a day!

Will *draws closer*: I know that you can keep pace with me.

Elizabeth: Well, I have to... *winks* Your sword has a keen edge to it, William Turner.

*Jack blinks, used to being the non-straitlaced one*

Elizabeth *grin broadens*: You should keep it firmly sheathed at all times.

*Will has gone scarlet from head to toe*

Elizabeth *turns to Jack, narrowing her eyes*: Some days, he'll leave me panting for hours on end...

Jack: Mercy, woman!

*Elizabeth looks smug*

A few hours later Norrington woke up and the goat was still there. He got up and ate a quite dinner,

Will: A what dinner?
actually happy they didn’t have goat. He had had a strange dream and felt a little more protective of the goat. Having nothing to do, he went back to his hammock and found the goat waiting for him. He gave it a quick pet and a carrot he had taken with him. He thought the goat should to get some food.

Elizabeth: Well, as a lunatics go, he's a relatively harmless sort. Still, I think this version of Norrington shouldn't endanger a ship by being a sailor...he'd be better off consigned to tending pigs for the rest of his life.

Will: I think that might be a bit harsh on the pigs, don't you, Elizabeth?

Days went by as the quest for Davy Jones’s heart became a reality. They had sailed throughout the Caribbean and Norrington and the goat had grown closer. He now regularly brought food for it and spent hours petting it and reading.

Jack: Ah, yes, reading. An inherently useful pastime for mariners to indulge in while at sea. Books fare so well on pirate ships, and the rampant outbreaks of literacy amongst my crew have compelled me to nail a bookshelf to the galley.

He had become quite attached to the goat; it was the only thing on the ship that actually kept him company. He actually liked the goat, and it seemed to return the feelings.

Will *cringes*: This is worse than the time I thought you turned into a cat!
Elizabeth: No, Will don't tell him-

Jack: Oh, now I simply must hear the tale.

Will: The author made me so out of character that I agreed to marry a tabby cat that I thought was Elizabeth!

Jack *in fits of mirth*: Very perceptive of you, Mr. Turner. One question...who married the real Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: He did, of course, and the cat was my matron of honor. Don't you see? It makes perfect sense.

Jack: Oh, naturally, pet. *pause* Poor choice of words.

Things got worse very quickly, he found himself wondering if the goat was female (it was) and his dreams became more graphic. He actually thought of doing some of the things he wanted but the pirates always interrupted, he was disappointed and relieved he could stop himself.

Jack: I'm quite sure we would have eaten that animal by now.

He had a quite moment one He found himself and the goat alone with the goat while the pirates worked at sailing as quickly as they could away from Davy Jones. He looked at the goat; its eyes no longer bothered him. He actually rather fancied them now. He had taken his shirt off when there was a loud crash and screams up on deck.

Jack: Elizabeth and I had gotten a bit carried away.

Elizabeth *purses lips*: Round two, will it be? Very well...let's begin with the heat of a blacksmith's coals and the strike of his mighty hammer.

Jack: Dear lord, I've unleashed the Kraken.

He cursed his luck and ran up the ladder putting his shirt on as he ran.
Giant tentacles raged havoc on the ship. Men shot at them but to no use they were pulled up as easily as rag dolls and swallowed whole. Norrington heard them scream. He quickly retreated. He could only think of the goat, he had left it alone, what if the Kraken crushed it.

Jack: Not someone I would take on as crewman. Even Davy Jones doesn't deserve such a wastrel...ah, scratch that. Of course he does. *strokes chin* I wonder if goats count towards 99 souls?

Will: If they do, Jack, then I'd truly like to hear your excuse for abandoning me to the Dutchman.

Jack and Will could handle themselves but he only had one thing on his mind.

Will: Oh, nicely done, former Commodore. Human lives aren't worth a ha'penny, but doting goats must be spared!

As he ran to the ladder he realized how much he cared for the goat, they trusted each other completely. He only hoped he would have more chances to explore the goat, her mind, how she worked when a loud crash boomed in front of him. It was a tentacle and it was in the ladder, digging.

Elizabeth: Digging? That's not what I remember it doing aboard ship.

Will: You would know better than anyone. I should have thrown my knife at it, to save you.

Elizabeth: Will, brave as you are, you cannot control who a vile sea monster will and will not nab in the heat of battle. I'm all right when all's said and done, love, and you would have wasted your throw.

Jack: Caught between this sappiness and the story sappiness, I am forced to opt for the latter. At least that has an end in sight.

His mind raced and he looked desperately for a gun or something to hit the tentacle with. Then he heard it; a frantic bleating that he instantly recognized as the goat.

Then, the tentacle stopped digging and pulled up, and there, hanging from the end was the goat. His friend, his almost-lover. His heart stopped as the tentacle brought the goat underwater to the giant maw of the Kraken to be eaten. Nothing else mattered now.

The goat was dead, eaten by the Kraken.

*Jack, Will and Elizabeth all breath a sigh of relief*

Elizabeth: Praise be, a happy ending.

Will: Though at this point, the real Norrington might have considered it a blessing to be swallowed, as well.

*Norrington arrives on the scene*

Norrington: I believe I heard my name.

*The trio hide the pages of the story behind their backs. Norrington raises an eyebrow, but just then, there is a small pink explosion as the story reality vanishes into oblivion.

Norrington: What on earth...?

Elizabeth: Best that you not know, James.

Will: If you found out what was there, you'd be beside yourself.

Norrington: You're doing a tremendous job of alleviating my fears. Ah, I suppose I fell in love with a sparkling-eyed female again.

*Jack, Will and Elizabeth refuse to say anything*

Norrington: *rolls his eyes* Nevermind. I'll be off.

*Norrington retreats, shaking his head all the way*

Jack: Now, what d'you suppose got his goat?

Will and Elizabeth: JACK SPARROW!

________________________________________________

You may now gouge wash your eyes out.

putrescent

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