Relinquish - Part 3
Ohmiya. PG. ANGST. Betaed by: inaudible_d. Requested by: ica_90 Warning: Character Death.
(PS: Because it's been sooooooo long, it might be better to read the first part first here and the second part here.)
Ohno was an egoist jerk but Nino's love towards him was unwavering. When one day Nino asked for a breakup, and when Ohno learned that Nino might leave him for real, he realized how he had taken Nino for granted.
Ohno couldn’t sleep. No, he didn’t want to sleep. Now that he paid real attention, now that he put Nino first like Nino had put him first, he realized that he had been missing out so much about Nino.
He missed the fact that Nino had trouble in sleeping. Probably Nino had pretended to fall asleep when they were still together so Ohno wouldn’t be bothered. Or probably Ohno just failed to notice it because he was ignorant as hell. Because he was selfish like shit.
He missed the way Nino wheezed every once in a while. And, really, it sounded so painful that Ohno wished he could do the breathing for both of them.
He missed the change in Nino’s voice. It’s so hoarse now, Ohno had no idea when the change had been started.
Ohno cringed when he imagined how hard it must’ve been for Nino in those last days of their relationship. How harsh and heartbreaking it must’ve been. Ohno wondered; did Nino cry at nights, hoping that Ohno would notice something but slept like a log instead? Did Nino try to tell him with his eyes or his subtle hints? Did Nino want to scream - want to slap Ohno hard for being so oblivious about everything?
Maybe. Maybe he did. And on top of it all, he still fulfilled his duty as Ohno’s partner perfectly, making Ohno his priority.
There was a sudden rustling voice came from Nino’s bed that dragged Ohno out of his swirling thoughts. Ohno thought Nino was having a restless night again, but what happened next startled him to no ends.
“Oh chan,” Nino called out loud and clear, tearing the agonizing silence apart.
Ohno froze in his place and tried to figure out what to do. Nino was supposed to not know about his presence.
“Oh chan,” Nino called out again. His voice was a little bit wavering this time. Trembling. Croaked.
Ohno gripped his chair tight. His heart was racing so fast. He kind of hoped that this meant he could see his Nino again.
There’s a sniffle before Nino emitted a restrained sob, “Oh chan.. Oh chan..”
Then Ohno realized that Nino wasn’t sleeping at all. There’s no sleepiness in that hoarse voice. There’s only sadness. And despair. And hopelessness. There’s also an intense longing feeling. It was like Nino was waiting for this time to come to finally break down and do whatever he was about to do.
Ohno could hear how Nino forced himself to stop sobbing and try to continue talking, “Oh chan, I-”
He choked on his words and began to bawl, losing control of himself.
Ohno stayed where he was. He really wanted to open the curtain and haul Nino to his arms but he wasn’t sure that Nino had found out about him.
Then a click and a beep confirmed what Ohno had doubted.
“Oh God, I’m suck at this,” Nino snorted a self-pitying laugh despite the sob. A thud indicated that he had thrown the device that he had been holding.
Nino was recording himself using his cellphone. He was trying to leave a message for Ohno.
Ohno forbade himself from thinking further about why Nino needed to leave a recorded message for him. Instead, Ohno opened his ears more, listening to the growing sobs and the upset punches to the bed.
Nino was upset with himself because he couldn’t hold himself from crying and Ohno really wanted to scold him for that. Because it was not Nino’s fault at all. It was all Ohno’s.
Everything was Ohno’s fault. Even the fact that Nino was sobbing. Even the fact that Nino couldn’t record the message because he couldn’t bring himself to speak. Even the fact that Nino had to hug his knees right now, not Ohno who was just inches away from him. Everything - everything - was Ohno’s fault from the start. Nino had never been wrong. Never.
Ohno bit his bottom lip until it bled. Every sob that came out from Nino resonated in his heart and rippled through his body.
“Oh chan, Oh ch-” Nino tried again but his cry became harder instead. His stream of tears was unstoppable and his breath started to hitch.
Nino wailed. He became so close to hysterical but he insisted to reach for his cellphone again and keep trying. The try and fail cycle kept repeating until the dawn was just around the corner. Ohno was crying too by then and he was sure Nino was already so spent. But Nino kept on trying and kept on crying like he just lost Ohno forever and at some point, he started to lose the ability of breathing.
From the silhouette, Ohno could tell that Nino was clutching his chest. From the sound of it, Ohno could tell that Nino wasn’t just sobbing anymore; he was hyperventilating and it sounded so painful that Ohno started to panic.
Nino was wheezing so hard and he was stubborn enough to not push the button. He tried to even out his own breathing but, of course, he failed. With all the tears and all the emotions, it was just simply impossible to recover by himself.
In a matter of seconds, fear crept inside Ohno. He was so afraid that the wheezing would suddenly stop and then nothing. No wheezing, no hitched breaths,
No Nino.
He was so, so afraid that his mind went blank and he started to hyperventilate himself. His trembling hand struggled to operate his cellphone to make a call and when Jun finally answered, he couldn’t manage to say anything.
The mix of panic and being mute for hours and hours did him so bad. Luckily, Jun was fast to catch up. Not two minutes after, Jun rushed inside and pushed every button he could lay his finger on, holding Nino tight to himself while doing so.
“Nino, Nino, breathe,” Jun said. His hand moved up and down along Nino’s back, “I got you, I got you. Breathe, Nino, please.”
The curtain was slightly opened somewhere along Jun’s hectic entrance and Ohno just stood there, staring at Nino for the first time since a couple of days despite the short distance.
Nino was, at the very least, worrisome. His face was wet by his own tears and his lips were blue. His limbs were limp and his chest was heaving up and down in a frantic pace.
Ohno’s being was failing to function. He just stared and stared in horror until Sho came in with nurses and doctor and pulled him away.
“No- Nino,” it felt weird when finally Ohno spoke and his voice was so small and dilated. His eyes zeroed at Nino and he anchored himself to his place. Fuck being found out, Nino was fighting for air and he looked like he was losing - it was all that mattered for him.
“Come on, Ohno kun,” Sho hissed.
“No- Nino! Nino!” Ohno wasn’t capable of saying anything but Nino’s name.
Finally, Sho opted to shove Ohno back to his chair and close the curtain. He stayed right beside Ohno, holding the older’s hand while craning his neck so he could still see Nino. He put his index finger on his lips; it was still not too late to keep Ohno hidden.
When the doctor tried to check Nino’s vitals, Nino refused to let go of Jun. He broke down to pieces, crying so loud on Jun’s chest. He was drowned in his overflowing emotion. The lack of oxygen didn’t help, too.
“Oh chan- Jun, Oh chan-,” Nino wailed.
The nurses tried to make Nino lie down but Nino’s grip on Jun was too tight. As the last resort, the doctor injected a mild tranquilizer to Nino and put the oxygen mask on him. Nino’s scream wavered out in seconds and his muscles relaxed down, leaving Jun to support his weight.
The doctor let Jun keep the position. He checked what he needed to check and gestured to the nurses that it’s alright already.
“He’s depressed and it’s worsening his condition drastically,” the doctor sighed, “We have to do the chemo sooner than we-”
“Do it,” Sho firmly decided, he stepped forward just enough for the doctor to see him but he didn’t let Ohno’s hand go, “In fact- just do it now. Save him!”
“We have to check some things first. Meanwhile, make sure that he’s at peace of mind,” the doctor, taking it as an assent, began to move.
Jun ran his hand up and down Nino’s spine. He could sense little movements indicating that despite the tranquilizer, Nino was still sobbing his heart out. It was no joke that Nino was nowhere near peaceful. Jun finally nodded as he silently swore to himself that he would watch over Nino more closely this time.
The doctor bowed a little and left the room.
“Oh chan, J,” Nino’s voice was muffled and weak.
“Hush, hush, Nino,” Jun hugged Nino tight and rocked Nino’s body back and forth. A part of him wanted to just drag Ohno to the spotlight but the other part of him, the logical one, told him that it would be a very wrong thing to do.
Sho stayed beside Ohno, sensing that he would be needed there more than he would be needed on Nino’s side. Ohno’s hand was still gripping his tight and by the soft sound that Ohno made, Sho knew that their leader was doing not much better than Nino.
Both of them were so messed up and wounded. So pained and tortured. So sad and wilting in so many ways that it took their lives out of their beings in both literal and figurative meaning.
Nino croaked again in the brink of his unconsciousness, “I miss him. I miss Oh chan. I miss him so, so, so bad. I miss him, J, I miss him.”
And it became clear that all along, Nino was just acting though in front all of them. Deep inside, Nino was suffering from his own decision of not seeing Ohno again. Deep inside, Nino was longing for Ohno. He was thirsty for Ohno’s presence. He was dying from missing Ohno more than from his actual disease.
Nino didn’t stop calling Ohno’s name and Jun didn’t stop rocking both Nino and himself. Jun was crying too, even though there’s no way that Nino could be aware of it. It was just too overwhelming - the flood of feelings that Nino conveyed in those sobs and weak pleads.
Behind the curtain, Sho took Ohno in his embrace, muffling Ohno’s cry to his chest. While Nino passed out due to the tranquilizer’s effect soon after that, Ohno passed out half an hour later due to all the guilt and sadness that he had to bear.
*******
“Nino,” Jun said softly when finally Nino became conscious again. Jun held Nino’s hand all along, determined that this time he would not run away and confront Nino with the thing that bugged him all along. He didn’t budge even when Sho had to carry Ohno out on his shoulders. He also didn’t budge when Ohno fought his way back to behind the curtain, IV drip attached and all.
“J,” Nino blinked and held his head, “What happened?”
Jun didn’t answer. Maybe Nino forgot everything, maybe Nino was just acting, or maybe Nino just hadn’t woken up completely yet. Either way, Jun was not going to be the one who brought the subject first. He waited for Nino to do just that.
“I feel like crap,” Nino weakly grinned under his pained expression. Apparently, he had put his mask on again. But in a few seconds, as his eyes became clearer, Jun noticed a slight change on Nino’s overall expression.
It all came back to Nino in a storm of memory fragments. Jun could see it as every episode that happened streamed back to Nino’s brain. There was a mix of embarrassment, awkwardness, and despair swarmed in the air.
“I can’t believe you stayed even though I told you to go home,” Nino decided to take that route - to rub around the subject but not discussing about the most important thing, “And Sho kun too. I’m not a three years old, I can manage.”
“Apparently you can’t,” Jun answered just for the sake of pointing that out. Then, he refused to beat around the bush any longer, “Nino, you miss him.”
Nino averted his gaze, “I don’t-”
“Don’t lie to me anymore!” Jun shouted because he was hurt. He had enough of Nino playing this scenario of him not wanting Ohno - not needing Ohno - when the actuality was he couldn’t go any further without that exact man who was, at that moment, pathetically gripping to his IV drip behind the curtain.
“-want to talk about it,” Nino finished his sentence through Jun’s outburst. He repeated just to make sure Jun heard it clearly, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Jun pulled Nino’s hand towards him and leaned his body closer to Nino - a proof that he’s getting impatient. All along, Jun had kept his distance from Nino - with dealing with the press and all - in order to keep himself from breaking down in front of Nino and to respect Nino’s decisions. But he had his limit too, “Why, Nino? You miss him and he misses you, why do you have to torture everyone by doing things like this?!”
For a moment, Nino’s pupils were dilated and he went frozen in his bed. Then, he smiled faintly, “It’s better this way; separating before getting separated.”
That was the very thing that Jun didn’t want to hear, “You don’t have to be separated. You don’t know yet-”
“I want to be separated.”
Jun opened his mouth and then closed it again, at loss of what to say. There was a million and one things flooding his head. He couldn’t get it - why Nino had to do this.
“Is this for him too? For his sake too?” Jun asked and Ohno jerked up in alarm.
Nino heaved a sigh, “Lingering will only make it more unbearable, Jun,” he said and it was reflected in his eyes that if he could, he would never choose this too.
“Then let it be! Let him bear it, I don’t care. What’s the point of this, exactly?! It’s just making you sad. It’s making him sad. And why are you being so pessimistic, talking like you’ll die when me- when Masaki- when Sho kun tried so hard to keep you alive?! And even if- even if- even if it will be harder for him than for the rest of us come the worst thing happen, then I don’t care too. It’s his turn to take the pain for the sake of you. Because I can’t see you suffer like this, Nino. Not anymore. I’ve seen enough of it. Let him take the pain now, if it’s necessary. I know he can. I know he can,” Jun finally lost it. He had succeeded not shedding even a tear in front of Nino but right then, he lost it. He just couldn’t get it. He didn’t understand.
“But I can’t,” Nino closed his eyes to prevent himself from crying again but he failed, “It’s not for his sake. It’s for me. It’s always been for me.”
Jun lifted his head because he didn’t expect it. Ohno did, too, and he almost yanked his IV drip off.
“I’m tired, Jun. I’m tired of making us - me and him - work. I’m tired of acting as if everything is fine. I’m tired of closing my eyes and covering my ears. I’m tired of pretending that he loves me,” Nino trembled, “But I kept doing it like a fool that I am. Not for him, Jun, because probably he doesn’t even care about this at all, but for me. Because I need it. Because I need the relationship to work. Because I need everything to be fine. Because I need to be blinded from the fact that tells me otherwise. Because I need him to- to- to love me even though I know I’m fooling myself by believing in that.”
“He loves you,” Jun cupped his hand on Nino’s cheek and shook Nino a bit, “He loves you so, so much. He is just- too stupid and too daft. Don’t you remember, Nino? How he takes you in his arms and how he- he- kisses you? How he tells you that you’re his precious one?”
“To be honest, I barely remember it,” Nino was smiling but it was the most bitter thing Jun had ever seen, “I treasure the very memory so much but still, it wears off. You have no idea how many times I have to imagine it because the more I look at it the more I realize that it’s not there anymore? The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, the way he speaks love in his touches?”
Ohno shivered because it made him realized how brief the moment he cherished his Nino was. How brisk he was in advancing; from the lovey-dovey phase to the damned stability, behaving like it was just natural to have Nino. How rare it was for him to show his love. How longing Nino was for those proves of affection.
“And even if I believe in that, it’s too late now,” Nino continued, “I know my time is up, Jun. I know my body- you know I know. It’s always you who told me to stop when I have my backache, even when I know I still can do more. And now, now even I know it’s time for me to stop.”
In all honesty, Jun also knew it. But for this case, Jun didn’t want to accept it as it was. He refused to admit it.
“No, Nino, you still can,” Jun’s nails were digging into Nino’s skin. Not that he wanted to hurt Nino, but he had already lost his control over himself.
“I’ve had enough of fighting a losing fight. This one, too, is a losing fight. And- and- about why I decided that I won’t see him again is because- because the hardest part of losing this fight is not dying,” Nino’s tears rolled down his cheeks, “The hardest part is accepting that I won’t be able to do anything to get him again. I won’t be able to pretend, to stubbornly think that it would finally work out between me and him. The hardest part is letting him go.”
Ohno forgot how to breathe. Ohno forgot how to do anything at all. There, looking at the possibility of dying, Nino was still thinking of getting him back. When Ohno was already Nino’s all along. It was just because Ohno was a total jerk that Nino doubted it - that Nino didn’t know better about it. That Nino had to feel all the pain.
If only Ohno was a better boyfriend. If only Ohno showed to Nino better that he loved Nino too, despite all the doubts that formed in Nino’s heart. If only he did Nino right. Then maybe, maybe Nino didn’t have to suffer this much.
Nino raised his hand to cup Jun’s cheek. The touch was delicate and shaking.
“And that’s also why I told you to go home. That’s why I yelled at Masaki yesterday and asked Sho kun to stop coming. It’s so fucking hard to accept that I have to.. let.. you guys go, too.”
Nino said that with tears flooding out his eyes and a sincere smile that torn Jun’s heart.
Jun couldn’t utter any word. He stood up and stormed out. It was just too much for him. He wailed his heart out in his car on the parking lot later, but Nino wouldn’t know much about it.
At that time, Nino just knew that it was painful to see Jun’s back disappearing behind the door, leaving him.
And it was just absolutely painful for Ohno to see Nino grabbing his arm where Jun’s hand had been, closing his eyes as if he wanted to feel Jun’s hand.
As if Nino wanted them all to stay close to him but he didn’t dare to say so because that’s just how Nino was.
*******
The chemo was started that evening.
Aiba and Jun, despite the fact that they never really left the hospital unless for really important matters, was getting reluctant to be inside Nino’s room. It’s not because they didn’t want to be with Nino - because they did - but because it’s getting really hard for them to contain themselves when they believed they have to look strong in front of Nino.
Aiba couldn’t really stand being inside the room without crying and Jun, once his defense was broken down, didn’t do any better.
So when it came the time for the chemo, Sho was the only one to accompany Nino.
Nino had it well. He was fearless and he was calm during the process. Sho, who always gave his best to act like usual when he’s with Nino, kept Nino busy with small talks about everything and nothing at all.
Ohno noticed that Sho was more nervous than Nino and Ohno also noticed that Nino could tell about that. But everything was better this way - the air, the conversations, the overall situations.
Ohno could see how Sho would pretend that he was yawning when his eyes got glassy after some moment spent just looking at Nino. He could also see the deep sadness reflected on Sho’s face when Nino couldn’t reply to his joke as lively as he always had.
Ohno could also see how upset Sho was to the whole situation - to the fact that Nino was lying on a hospital bed with various medical equipment connected to his body. With chemical being infused to his vein.
Sho would leave every now and then to answer phone calls that seemed to be from Johnny san and Aiba or Jun would take his place just for that brief period until Sho came back again.
Ohno never missed the sad gaze that Nino gave every time Aiba and Jun hurriedly storm outside once Sho was back. It was always so brief but also so heartbroken.
Ohno realized how he hated to see Nino sad and how he wanted to see the light back to Nino’s eyes, even if it was not because of him.
Ohno never left the room for more than an hour until then and when he finally did leave the room for a little bit longer, it was when Nino was asleep with Sho watching him and it was so he could have a talk with his band mates.
He had done so many wrongs until then. Maybe it was too late, but it wouldn’t keep him from trying to do the right thing.
“I know it’s hard,” he started, “but can I ask you guys to, please, be there for him and smile for him? Talk with him but not- not the talk about- about his sickness and all? Like- like what Sho kun does when he’s with Nino.”
Jun looked up to Ohno but he didn’t say anything.
“Joke with him. Talk about happy things,” Ohno shuffled on his feet, “Let’s- let’s forget about the disease and all.”
Aiba shot up a look, “But we can’t give up on-”
“We’re not giving up,” Ohno cut because giving up was the last thing he would do, “Just- just stop pushing him. It’s hurting him, I can tell. I can tell.”
Ohno looked down to his feet. He was smiling with a layer of embarrassment because he knew it was really not his place to ask this.
“I- I just want to see his smile,” Ohno started to feel his cheek wet again, “He deserves it. He deserves happiness. He deserves you guys on his side. So, I beg you, stay with him and make him smile. Because I- because I can’t do it myself.”
Jun and Aiba exchanged looks, taking in what Ohno just said.
“Let’s just- just stop behaving like Nino is going to die soon because- because he’s not, right? Right?” Ohno’s desperation was slowly leaking out, “So, please.. Please behave as if nothing happened and make him smile. Please.”
Aiba was the first one to stand up and taking Ohno into his embrace, nodding his answer, “Yeah, you’re right. He’s not going to die. He’s not.”
“I miss his smile,” Ohno said in between his suppressed sobs, “I miss it so much.”
Jun stood up and walked away from them, half running.
“MatsuJun?” Aiba called.
Jun turned, apparently his eyes were wet too but he was definitely smiling, “I’m taking the Wii. That brat needs his Wii, I bet.”
Ohno felt hope found its way to his heart. He started to believe that everything might get better, what’s with everyone eager to bring the smile back to Nino’s face.
But they didn’t get the chance to do as they planned, the Wii didn’t even get its time to shine.
For that night, Nino’s condition turned to its worst.
To be continued...
I've told you, it's so freaking long......................
I know I'm really slow at this but this one is so hard to write T^T
Please tell me if it's getting too ridiculous or boring, because I'm not really confident about this.
Thanks for reading and comments are loved! ♥
(PS: Because it's been sooooooo long, it might be better to read the first part first here and the second part here.)
Ohno was an egoist jerk but Nino's love towards him was unwavering. When one day Nino asked for a breakup, and when Ohno learned that Nino might leave him for real, he realized how he had taken Nino for granted.
Ohno couldn’t sleep. No, he didn’t want to sleep. Now that he paid real attention, now that he put Nino first like Nino had put him first, he realized that he had been missing out so much about Nino.
He missed the fact that Nino had trouble in sleeping. Probably Nino had pretended to fall asleep when they were still together so Ohno wouldn’t be bothered. Or probably Ohno just failed to notice it because he was ignorant as hell. Because he was selfish like shit.
He missed the way Nino wheezed every once in a while. And, really, it sounded so painful that Ohno wished he could do the breathing for both of them.
He missed the change in Nino’s voice. It’s so hoarse now, Ohno had no idea when the change had been started.
Ohno cringed when he imagined how hard it must’ve been for Nino in those last days of their relationship. How harsh and heartbreaking it must’ve been. Ohno wondered; did Nino cry at nights, hoping that Ohno would notice something but slept like a log instead? Did Nino try to tell him with his eyes or his subtle hints? Did Nino want to scream - want to slap Ohno hard for being so oblivious about everything?
Maybe. Maybe he did. And on top of it all, he still fulfilled his duty as Ohno’s partner perfectly, making Ohno his priority.
There was a sudden rustling voice came from Nino’s bed that dragged Ohno out of his swirling thoughts. Ohno thought Nino was having a restless night again, but what happened next startled him to no ends.
“Oh chan,” Nino called out loud and clear, tearing the agonizing silence apart.
Ohno froze in his place and tried to figure out what to do. Nino was supposed to not know about his presence.
“Oh chan,” Nino called out again. His voice was a little bit wavering this time. Trembling. Croaked.
Ohno gripped his chair tight. His heart was racing so fast. He kind of hoped that this meant he could see his Nino again.
There’s a sniffle before Nino emitted a restrained sob, “Oh chan.. Oh chan..”
Then Ohno realized that Nino wasn’t sleeping at all. There’s no sleepiness in that hoarse voice. There’s only sadness. And despair. And hopelessness. There’s also an intense longing feeling. It was like Nino was waiting for this time to come to finally break down and do whatever he was about to do.
Ohno could hear how Nino forced himself to stop sobbing and try to continue talking, “Oh chan, I-”
He choked on his words and began to bawl, losing control of himself.
Ohno stayed where he was. He really wanted to open the curtain and haul Nino to his arms but he wasn’t sure that Nino had found out about him.
Then a click and a beep confirmed what Ohno had doubted.
“Oh God, I’m suck at this,” Nino snorted a self-pitying laugh despite the sob. A thud indicated that he had thrown the device that he had been holding.
Nino was recording himself using his cellphone. He was trying to leave a message for Ohno.
Ohno forbade himself from thinking further about why Nino needed to leave a recorded message for him. Instead, Ohno opened his ears more, listening to the growing sobs and the upset punches to the bed.
Nino was upset with himself because he couldn’t hold himself from crying and Ohno really wanted to scold him for that. Because it was not Nino’s fault at all. It was all Ohno’s.
Everything was Ohno’s fault. Even the fact that Nino was sobbing. Even the fact that Nino couldn’t record the message because he couldn’t bring himself to speak. Even the fact that Nino had to hug his knees right now, not Ohno who was just inches away from him. Everything - everything - was Ohno’s fault from the start. Nino had never been wrong. Never.
Ohno bit his bottom lip until it bled. Every sob that came out from Nino resonated in his heart and rippled through his body.
“Oh chan, Oh ch-” Nino tried again but his cry became harder instead. His stream of tears was unstoppable and his breath started to hitch.
Nino wailed. He became so close to hysterical but he insisted to reach for his cellphone again and keep trying. The try and fail cycle kept repeating until the dawn was just around the corner. Ohno was crying too by then and he was sure Nino was already so spent. But Nino kept on trying and kept on crying like he just lost Ohno forever and at some point, he started to lose the ability of breathing.
From the silhouette, Ohno could tell that Nino was clutching his chest. From the sound of it, Ohno could tell that Nino wasn’t just sobbing anymore; he was hyperventilating and it sounded so painful that Ohno started to panic.
Nino was wheezing so hard and he was stubborn enough to not push the button. He tried to even out his own breathing but, of course, he failed. With all the tears and all the emotions, it was just simply impossible to recover by himself.
In a matter of seconds, fear crept inside Ohno. He was so afraid that the wheezing would suddenly stop and then nothing. No wheezing, no hitched breaths,
No Nino.
He was so, so afraid that his mind went blank and he started to hyperventilate himself. His trembling hand struggled to operate his cellphone to make a call and when Jun finally answered, he couldn’t manage to say anything.
The mix of panic and being mute for hours and hours did him so bad. Luckily, Jun was fast to catch up. Not two minutes after, Jun rushed inside and pushed every button he could lay his finger on, holding Nino tight to himself while doing so.
“Nino, Nino, breathe,” Jun said. His hand moved up and down along Nino’s back, “I got you, I got you. Breathe, Nino, please.”
The curtain was slightly opened somewhere along Jun’s hectic entrance and Ohno just stood there, staring at Nino for the first time since a couple of days despite the short distance.
Nino was, at the very least, worrisome. His face was wet by his own tears and his lips were blue. His limbs were limp and his chest was heaving up and down in a frantic pace.
Ohno’s being was failing to function. He just stared and stared in horror until Sho came in with nurses and doctor and pulled him away.
“No- Nino,” it felt weird when finally Ohno spoke and his voice was so small and dilated. His eyes zeroed at Nino and he anchored himself to his place. Fuck being found out, Nino was fighting for air and he looked like he was losing - it was all that mattered for him.
“Come on, Ohno kun,” Sho hissed.
“No- Nino! Nino!” Ohno wasn’t capable of saying anything but Nino’s name.
Finally, Sho opted to shove Ohno back to his chair and close the curtain. He stayed right beside Ohno, holding the older’s hand while craning his neck so he could still see Nino. He put his index finger on his lips; it was still not too late to keep Ohno hidden.
When the doctor tried to check Nino’s vitals, Nino refused to let go of Jun. He broke down to pieces, crying so loud on Jun’s chest. He was drowned in his overflowing emotion. The lack of oxygen didn’t help, too.
“Oh chan- Jun, Oh chan-,” Nino wailed.
The nurses tried to make Nino lie down but Nino’s grip on Jun was too tight. As the last resort, the doctor injected a mild tranquilizer to Nino and put the oxygen mask on him. Nino’s scream wavered out in seconds and his muscles relaxed down, leaving Jun to support his weight.
The doctor let Jun keep the position. He checked what he needed to check and gestured to the nurses that it’s alright already.
“He’s depressed and it’s worsening his condition drastically,” the doctor sighed, “We have to do the chemo sooner than we-”
“Do it,” Sho firmly decided, he stepped forward just enough for the doctor to see him but he didn’t let Ohno’s hand go, “In fact- just do it now. Save him!”
“We have to check some things first. Meanwhile, make sure that he’s at peace of mind,” the doctor, taking it as an assent, began to move.
Jun ran his hand up and down Nino’s spine. He could sense little movements indicating that despite the tranquilizer, Nino was still sobbing his heart out. It was no joke that Nino was nowhere near peaceful. Jun finally nodded as he silently swore to himself that he would watch over Nino more closely this time.
The doctor bowed a little and left the room.
“Oh chan, J,” Nino’s voice was muffled and weak.
“Hush, hush, Nino,” Jun hugged Nino tight and rocked Nino’s body back and forth. A part of him wanted to just drag Ohno to the spotlight but the other part of him, the logical one, told him that it would be a very wrong thing to do.
Sho stayed beside Ohno, sensing that he would be needed there more than he would be needed on Nino’s side. Ohno’s hand was still gripping his tight and by the soft sound that Ohno made, Sho knew that their leader was doing not much better than Nino.
Both of them were so messed up and wounded. So pained and tortured. So sad and wilting in so many ways that it took their lives out of their beings in both literal and figurative meaning.
Nino croaked again in the brink of his unconsciousness, “I miss him. I miss Oh chan. I miss him so, so, so bad. I miss him, J, I miss him.”
And it became clear that all along, Nino was just acting though in front all of them. Deep inside, Nino was suffering from his own decision of not seeing Ohno again. Deep inside, Nino was longing for Ohno. He was thirsty for Ohno’s presence. He was dying from missing Ohno more than from his actual disease.
Nino didn’t stop calling Ohno’s name and Jun didn’t stop rocking both Nino and himself. Jun was crying too, even though there’s no way that Nino could be aware of it. It was just too overwhelming - the flood of feelings that Nino conveyed in those sobs and weak pleads.
Behind the curtain, Sho took Ohno in his embrace, muffling Ohno’s cry to his chest. While Nino passed out due to the tranquilizer’s effect soon after that, Ohno passed out half an hour later due to all the guilt and sadness that he had to bear.
*******
“Nino,” Jun said softly when finally Nino became conscious again. Jun held Nino’s hand all along, determined that this time he would not run away and confront Nino with the thing that bugged him all along. He didn’t budge even when Sho had to carry Ohno out on his shoulders. He also didn’t budge when Ohno fought his way back to behind the curtain, IV drip attached and all.
“J,” Nino blinked and held his head, “What happened?”
Jun didn’t answer. Maybe Nino forgot everything, maybe Nino was just acting, or maybe Nino just hadn’t woken up completely yet. Either way, Jun was not going to be the one who brought the subject first. He waited for Nino to do just that.
“I feel like crap,” Nino weakly grinned under his pained expression. Apparently, he had put his mask on again. But in a few seconds, as his eyes became clearer, Jun noticed a slight change on Nino’s overall expression.
It all came back to Nino in a storm of memory fragments. Jun could see it as every episode that happened streamed back to Nino’s brain. There was a mix of embarrassment, awkwardness, and despair swarmed in the air.
“I can’t believe you stayed even though I told you to go home,” Nino decided to take that route - to rub around the subject but not discussing about the most important thing, “And Sho kun too. I’m not a three years old, I can manage.”
“Apparently you can’t,” Jun answered just for the sake of pointing that out. Then, he refused to beat around the bush any longer, “Nino, you miss him.”
Nino averted his gaze, “I don’t-”
“Don’t lie to me anymore!” Jun shouted because he was hurt. He had enough of Nino playing this scenario of him not wanting Ohno - not needing Ohno - when the actuality was he couldn’t go any further without that exact man who was, at that moment, pathetically gripping to his IV drip behind the curtain.
“-want to talk about it,” Nino finished his sentence through Jun’s outburst. He repeated just to make sure Jun heard it clearly, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Jun pulled Nino’s hand towards him and leaned his body closer to Nino - a proof that he’s getting impatient. All along, Jun had kept his distance from Nino - with dealing with the press and all - in order to keep himself from breaking down in front of Nino and to respect Nino’s decisions. But he had his limit too, “Why, Nino? You miss him and he misses you, why do you have to torture everyone by doing things like this?!”
For a moment, Nino’s pupils were dilated and he went frozen in his bed. Then, he smiled faintly, “It’s better this way; separating before getting separated.”
That was the very thing that Jun didn’t want to hear, “You don’t have to be separated. You don’t know yet-”
“I want to be separated.”
Jun opened his mouth and then closed it again, at loss of what to say. There was a million and one things flooding his head. He couldn’t get it - why Nino had to do this.
“Is this for him too? For his sake too?” Jun asked and Ohno jerked up in alarm.
Nino heaved a sigh, “Lingering will only make it more unbearable, Jun,” he said and it was reflected in his eyes that if he could, he would never choose this too.
“Then let it be! Let him bear it, I don’t care. What’s the point of this, exactly?! It’s just making you sad. It’s making him sad. And why are you being so pessimistic, talking like you’ll die when me- when Masaki- when Sho kun tried so hard to keep you alive?! And even if- even if- even if it will be harder for him than for the rest of us come the worst thing happen, then I don’t care too. It’s his turn to take the pain for the sake of you. Because I can’t see you suffer like this, Nino. Not anymore. I’ve seen enough of it. Let him take the pain now, if it’s necessary. I know he can. I know he can,” Jun finally lost it. He had succeeded not shedding even a tear in front of Nino but right then, he lost it. He just couldn’t get it. He didn’t understand.
“But I can’t,” Nino closed his eyes to prevent himself from crying again but he failed, “It’s not for his sake. It’s for me. It’s always been for me.”
Jun lifted his head because he didn’t expect it. Ohno did, too, and he almost yanked his IV drip off.
“I’m tired, Jun. I’m tired of making us - me and him - work. I’m tired of acting as if everything is fine. I’m tired of closing my eyes and covering my ears. I’m tired of pretending that he loves me,” Nino trembled, “But I kept doing it like a fool that I am. Not for him, Jun, because probably he doesn’t even care about this at all, but for me. Because I need it. Because I need the relationship to work. Because I need everything to be fine. Because I need to be blinded from the fact that tells me otherwise. Because I need him to- to- to love me even though I know I’m fooling myself by believing in that.”
“He loves you,” Jun cupped his hand on Nino’s cheek and shook Nino a bit, “He loves you so, so much. He is just- too stupid and too daft. Don’t you remember, Nino? How he takes you in his arms and how he- he- kisses you? How he tells you that you’re his precious one?”
“To be honest, I barely remember it,” Nino was smiling but it was the most bitter thing Jun had ever seen, “I treasure the very memory so much but still, it wears off. You have no idea how many times I have to imagine it because the more I look at it the more I realize that it’s not there anymore? The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, the way he speaks love in his touches?”
Ohno shivered because it made him realized how brief the moment he cherished his Nino was. How brisk he was in advancing; from the lovey-dovey phase to the damned stability, behaving like it was just natural to have Nino. How rare it was for him to show his love. How longing Nino was for those proves of affection.
“And even if I believe in that, it’s too late now,” Nino continued, “I know my time is up, Jun. I know my body- you know I know. It’s always you who told me to stop when I have my backache, even when I know I still can do more. And now, now even I know it’s time for me to stop.”
In all honesty, Jun also knew it. But for this case, Jun didn’t want to accept it as it was. He refused to admit it.
“No, Nino, you still can,” Jun’s nails were digging into Nino’s skin. Not that he wanted to hurt Nino, but he had already lost his control over himself.
“I’ve had enough of fighting a losing fight. This one, too, is a losing fight. And- and- about why I decided that I won’t see him again is because- because the hardest part of losing this fight is not dying,” Nino’s tears rolled down his cheeks, “The hardest part is accepting that I won’t be able to do anything to get him again. I won’t be able to pretend, to stubbornly think that it would finally work out between me and him. The hardest part is letting him go.”
Ohno forgot how to breathe. Ohno forgot how to do anything at all. There, looking at the possibility of dying, Nino was still thinking of getting him back. When Ohno was already Nino’s all along. It was just because Ohno was a total jerk that Nino doubted it - that Nino didn’t know better about it. That Nino had to feel all the pain.
If only Ohno was a better boyfriend. If only Ohno showed to Nino better that he loved Nino too, despite all the doubts that formed in Nino’s heart. If only he did Nino right. Then maybe, maybe Nino didn’t have to suffer this much.
Nino raised his hand to cup Jun’s cheek. The touch was delicate and shaking.
“And that’s also why I told you to go home. That’s why I yelled at Masaki yesterday and asked Sho kun to stop coming. It’s so fucking hard to accept that I have to.. let.. you guys go, too.”
Nino said that with tears flooding out his eyes and a sincere smile that torn Jun’s heart.
Jun couldn’t utter any word. He stood up and stormed out. It was just too much for him. He wailed his heart out in his car on the parking lot later, but Nino wouldn’t know much about it.
At that time, Nino just knew that it was painful to see Jun’s back disappearing behind the door, leaving him.
And it was just absolutely painful for Ohno to see Nino grabbing his arm where Jun’s hand had been, closing his eyes as if he wanted to feel Jun’s hand.
As if Nino wanted them all to stay close to him but he didn’t dare to say so because that’s just how Nino was.
*******
The chemo was started that evening.
Aiba and Jun, despite the fact that they never really left the hospital unless for really important matters, was getting reluctant to be inside Nino’s room. It’s not because they didn’t want to be with Nino - because they did - but because it’s getting really hard for them to contain themselves when they believed they have to look strong in front of Nino.
Aiba couldn’t really stand being inside the room without crying and Jun, once his defense was broken down, didn’t do any better.
So when it came the time for the chemo, Sho was the only one to accompany Nino.
Nino had it well. He was fearless and he was calm during the process. Sho, who always gave his best to act like usual when he’s with Nino, kept Nino busy with small talks about everything and nothing at all.
Ohno noticed that Sho was more nervous than Nino and Ohno also noticed that Nino could tell about that. But everything was better this way - the air, the conversations, the overall situations.
Ohno could see how Sho would pretend that he was yawning when his eyes got glassy after some moment spent just looking at Nino. He could also see the deep sadness reflected on Sho’s face when Nino couldn’t reply to his joke as lively as he always had.
Ohno could also see how upset Sho was to the whole situation - to the fact that Nino was lying on a hospital bed with various medical equipment connected to his body. With chemical being infused to his vein.
Sho would leave every now and then to answer phone calls that seemed to be from Johnny san and Aiba or Jun would take his place just for that brief period until Sho came back again.
Ohno never missed the sad gaze that Nino gave every time Aiba and Jun hurriedly storm outside once Sho was back. It was always so brief but also so heartbroken.
Ohno realized how he hated to see Nino sad and how he wanted to see the light back to Nino’s eyes, even if it was not because of him.
Ohno never left the room for more than an hour until then and when he finally did leave the room for a little bit longer, it was when Nino was asleep with Sho watching him and it was so he could have a talk with his band mates.
He had done so many wrongs until then. Maybe it was too late, but it wouldn’t keep him from trying to do the right thing.
“I know it’s hard,” he started, “but can I ask you guys to, please, be there for him and smile for him? Talk with him but not- not the talk about- about his sickness and all? Like- like what Sho kun does when he’s with Nino.”
Jun looked up to Ohno but he didn’t say anything.
“Joke with him. Talk about happy things,” Ohno shuffled on his feet, “Let’s- let’s forget about the disease and all.”
Aiba shot up a look, “But we can’t give up on-”
“We’re not giving up,” Ohno cut because giving up was the last thing he would do, “Just- just stop pushing him. It’s hurting him, I can tell. I can tell.”
Ohno looked down to his feet. He was smiling with a layer of embarrassment because he knew it was really not his place to ask this.
“I- I just want to see his smile,” Ohno started to feel his cheek wet again, “He deserves it. He deserves happiness. He deserves you guys on his side. So, I beg you, stay with him and make him smile. Because I- because I can’t do it myself.”
Jun and Aiba exchanged looks, taking in what Ohno just said.
“Let’s just- just stop behaving like Nino is going to die soon because- because he’s not, right? Right?” Ohno’s desperation was slowly leaking out, “So, please.. Please behave as if nothing happened and make him smile. Please.”
Aiba was the first one to stand up and taking Ohno into his embrace, nodding his answer, “Yeah, you’re right. He’s not going to die. He’s not.”
“I miss his smile,” Ohno said in between his suppressed sobs, “I miss it so much.”
Jun stood up and walked away from them, half running.
“MatsuJun?” Aiba called.
Jun turned, apparently his eyes were wet too but he was definitely smiling, “I’m taking the Wii. That brat needs his Wii, I bet.”
Ohno felt hope found its way to his heart. He started to believe that everything might get better, what’s with everyone eager to bring the smile back to Nino’s face.
But they didn’t get the chance to do as they planned, the Wii didn’t even get its time to shine.
For that night, Nino’s condition turned to its worst.
To be continued...
I've told you, it's so freaking long......................
I know I'm really slow at this but this one is so hard to write T^T
Please tell me if it's getting too ridiculous or boring, because I'm not really confident about this.
Thanks for reading and comments are loved! ♥