Relinquish - Part 2
Ohmiya. PG. ANGST. Betaed by: inaudible_d. Requested by: ica_90 Warning: Character Death.
(PS: Because it's been sooooooo long, it might be better to read the first part first here.)
Ohno was an egoist jerk but Nino's love towards him was unwavering. When one day Nino asked for a breakup, and when Ohno learned that Nino might leave him for real, he realized how he had taken Nino for granted.
“Nino,” Aiba called out. He timidly stepped inside and found his friend smiled weakly at him. Sho went to the doctor with Jun right after breaking the news and Aiba decided that they couldn’t waste any more time. He proceeded carefully into Nino’s room, “Someone wants to say something to you.”
Ohno emerged from the door, face guilty and unsure.
Nino abruptly opened his oxygen mask. He shot a betrayed look at Aiba, “What’s this?!”
“Just a moment, Nino,” Aiba begged, “Just a few seconds and you might reconsider your decision of giving up.”
“No, Masaki,” Nino tried to make himself clear. Deep inside, he was a mess. Just being in the same room as Ohno already sent him to an emotional limbo.
He had made his decision clear, at least to Sho; he wanted to go home, ending everything without all these cables and equipment bothering him. He just wanted to be in a familiar place - even though his new and barely touched house wasn’t exactly familiar to him too but at least, what was inside it was familiar. All the photos, the scents.. All the little things that he brought from his shared space with Ohno.
“Nino, please,” Ohno’s voice was reaching Nino’s ears and it’s the exact definition of familiar.
Nino tried to act tough, he had always been trying to be. But just by hearing that voice, he already fell into a crying mess again. His heart was bleeding by all the love that he had.
“Nino, I know I’ve been a jerk,” Ohno tried.
Nino sobbed. He refused to look at Ohno. All the flutters in his heart couldn’t be a good sign. Ohno was still so, so, so dear to him that he was tempted to just give in once again and fight. But he already had enough of that. He had had enough of fighting for something that he could never win.
He then shot a pleading gaze to Aiba and croaked, “Masaki, please.”
“Nino,” Ohno slowly stepped closer to Nino. He was giving his all to hold back his tears. Seeing Nino in such deep pain and knowing that he was the reason why made him felt like crumbling down and giving up on life. But he had to be strong. He had let Nino bear the weight of their relationship alone for all those years, now it’s his turn.
“Please, Masaki,” Nino begged to Aiba. His whole body was shaking hard, like he was enduring an excruciating torture and well, maybe he was, “I can’t anymore. Please.”
Ohno started to doubt that he could be Nino’s source of hope. He began to think that maybe he’s the reason why Nino wanted to give up instead. The way Nino writhed like he was some kind of monster that walked to his room gave a harrowing stab to Ohno’s heart.
Little did Ohno know that Nino was avoiding him because he’s the only thing that made Nino wanted to live. Because he’s the only one who might make Nino change his decision. Because he’s the only one that could make Nino want to walk through all the pain and sorrow all over again.
Aiba stormed out to seek for the nurse and Ohno turned into statue when all the monitors went frantic and Nino gasped for air before falling into unconsciousness.
*******
Sho had thrown a tantrum since he heard that Ohno came and Nino went into critical state. He and Jun were still discussing about what to do by then and they had no idea that Aiba took Ohno to Nino’s room. Jun interrogated Aiba and scolded him for doing something that they all hadn’t agreed on yet.
Aiba said he just wanted to do anything that might help Nino, Sho said they all did.
They just had to be careful on picking their actions. They were walking on a thin, thin thread, there was no space for trial and error.
While the three were arguing because they didn’t know any other way to release the stress, Ohno pondered by himself. Nino was stubborn when he wanted to, Ohno knew it by heart, but it didn’t mean they had no chance in negotiating.
He clenched and unclenched his fist. An idea came across his mind but he wasn’t sure about it. He wasn’t sure it could get through and, most importantly, he wasn’t sure if he could endure it.
But, thinking about enduring things, Ohno’s brain slowly registered everything that Nino had had to endure. From the illness and from their relationship. Nino had endured so much and Ohno had never seen him complained about it. Not even once.
Probably this was the time to show that he could, at least, take part too. That he would. That Nino wasn’t the only one who’s willing to sacrifice.
Ohno was never good in taking big decisions. He always had his parents or Nino or Arashi in general to help him. But now, he knew it’s time for him to be a proper adult and take hold of his own life. And also his dearest one’s, the one that should have been his responsibility since he took Nino’s hands in his years and years ago.
Finally, he stood up and said, “He needs the chemo.”
Sho rolled his eyes sarcastically, “Like we don’t know about that yet.”
Jun gave a more helpful reply, “We need his consent. He’s not giving any.”
“He will,” Ohno said and he took a deep breath, “Just tell him I’ll keep coming if he won’t.”
At least Ohno knew this kind of arrangement might work for Nino. Judging by the way Nino reacted when he looked at Ohno, Ohno took it as their best shot.
The three men stared at their leader, trying to digest it. Jun was the first to make an expression which was a mix of hope and doubt.
Then, Ohno wavered, thinking that maybe his existence - or the lack of it - wasn’t that mattered in Nino’s life. He had thought of himself so high, like the world was revolving around him, and now he realized it was not. So, he added, “And- and I’ll tell his mother too about this if he refuses. And his sister, too. And the fans, even.”
“He’ll hate you even more,” Sho said, not to make Ohno revised his plan, but to make sure Ohno knew the consequences.
And of course, Ohno had taken it into account, “I prefer having him hating me to the bones than not having him at all.”
“You have to keep your part of bargain if this is happening,” Jun gave the final chance for Ohno to quit.
His heart felt heavy but he bore with it anyway. He kept his head up, thinking that Aiba was right; being a weeping bundle of mess won’t do anyone any good, “Yeah, I will. Anything to make him better. Anything.”
Aiba shot a hopeful gaze to everyone, “This might do.”
Sho shot a glance to Ohno once before he went to the doctor’s room with Jun, “This have to do.”
*******
“I’m dying anyway, you guys know that,” Nino grumbled but he took the paper anyway.
Ohno was right, Nino opted to endure the chemo when he was given the choices. Looking at Nino signing the paper from the door’s window gave mixed feelings to Ohno. He felt relieved; at least they’re doing something. He felt hurt; the fact that Nino would prefer anything than meeting him was not an easy thing to swallow.
He smiled faintly nevertheless. Nino’s health was the only thing that mattered, he reminded himself.
Right after giving the paper back to Sho, Nino stole one quick glance to the door. He looked so upset when he said, “There, you have my signature. Now, please, tell him to get lost,” but he’s actually just eager to get rid the only thing that might interrupt his plan of peaceful last days. He could handle Jun’s rant, Sho’s worry, or even Aiba’s sobs. He had expected teary nights over the absence of Ohno because he wouldn’t fool anyone, he’s still so much into that guy. But having the real Ohno around? No, he couldn’t handle it anymore. The waves and tides of feelings would make everything messy and emotional and dramatic and it’s not what peaceful meant in his mind.
When Sho was turning to him, Ohno just waved a dismissal wave to him. Ohno didn’t need to be told about it. He understood even though he couldn’t hear a thing. With all of the sincerity he had in his life, he shot a soft smile to Nino and nodded once before taking his leave.
He could ask for update from Aiba later, he assured himself internally. He could see Nino again later when everything’s brighter and better, hopefully. Then, he could atone for his sins; fighting for Nino’s love once again, proving that he was a jerk but he could change into someone who deserves Nino.
Ohno swung his feet absentmindedly. His heart became more and more broken in every step. His smile dissipated into thin air. His phone buzzed, Aiba was calling, but he didn’t have any power left to communicate with anyone. He didn’t want the feeling of being pitied either. He just wanted to go home. Their home.
The moment he stepped inside the apartment, where no one could see him anymore, he finally broke down. All of his defenses crumbled down into ashes. He took the right decision, he believed, but that exact decision killed him inside out. He had resolved to not cry, but apparently it’s an impossible thing.
He wanted to be with Nino. To hold Nino’s stubby fingers, to sweep Nino’s soft hair, to gain strength from Nino.
Because whatever the condition, it’s always Nino who gave power for both of them.
“Tadaima,” he mumbled as if Nino was there, waiting for him, and there was no reply. There was only silence greeted him like a best buddy.
The apartment wasn’t that tidy anymore ever since Nino left. Not that Ohno was a messy person, but it was just not as well kept as when Nino was around. Paint brushes here and there, empty cans of beers lined up next to the couch, dirty dishes piling up. There’s no tasty scent lingering in the air too - there hadn’t been any for months actually.
To be honest, Ohno had realized the significance of Nino’s presence for him since a month or two before then. When his anger had receded and he could feel how cold his nights were without Nino and when he noticed how much he depended on Nino before. The messed up schedule, the forgotten meals, the not-prepared baths...
Ohno had realized how Nino was like air and clothes and foods and water and everything essential in his life. All the things that he needed to keep on living, all the things that he never looked twice to give his gratitude.
All the things that he thought was natural to be there for him, all the things that he was sure would always be there for him. And maybe it was true, except for Nino. Nino left him and he didn’t really know how to handle that.
He missed Nino. He needed Nino.
Unfortunately, he acted like a jerk to show it.
Ohno had taken Nino for granted for too long and it took a fainted Nino to give him realization upon it.
Ohno fell to his knees and he just realized how his body was trembling and how wet his eyes were. He was crying. He was extremely close to wailing.
He cried his heart out in the middle of his living room and he fell asleep out of exhaustion. Spent and missing Nino to the bits.
*******
When Ohno opened his eyes and saw Sho was squatting next to him, he didn’t know if it’s real or not. He was on the floor, clutching to the blanket that he used to share with Nino. He had searched around the apartment and he couldn’t find anything that belonged to Nino, it was as if Nino was erasing himself from Ohno’s life completely.
“Stand up, Ohno Satoshi,” Sho held out a hand. His tone was still stern but it was so much less offensive than before. At least he was not fuming mad.
“How’s Nino?” Ohno had asked this question on his once-in-an-hour calls to Aiba, but he still asked it again anyway. No one could blame him, since Nino’s condition was so unstable to say the least.
Sho pulled Ohno upwards. Ohno limped and he sighed. Not a disappointed sigh, but a concerned sigh, “Now it looks like he’s better than you.”
Ohno was convinced that Sho had calmed down enough by now. He could see that Sho was changing back to his usual self; his best friend, his wingman. Probably the fact that they’re finally doing something to Nino did it, “The chemo..”
“It’s scheduled,” Sho informed. His tone was one of relief, “He’s better enough to endure it now.”
Ohno gripped Sho’s hand because his brain had worked hard to estimate various possible outputs of everything and the worst possibility still got him terrified, “He will be alright after it, right?”
Sho didn’t answer it but asked another question instead, “When was the last time you ate?”
Now it’s Ohno’s turn to not answer the question.
Sho huffed, knowing that Ohno wouldn’t answer if he didn’t, “His chance is better with the chemo but we still don’t know how great it would help.”
Ohno’s grip to Sho tightened for a moment. His body became rigid and his eyes turned glassy once again. Then, after he overcame the urge to breakdown and wail again, he gave his answer to Sho, “I ate melon pan with Aiba chan.”
Sho, being the attentive man that he was, of course knew what that meant and massaged his temple, “It’s two days ago, Ohno kun.”
Ohno stayed silent. He just fidgeted on his feet. He didn’t feel like eating, really. Not when he wasn’t sure if Nino was alright. Not when the kitchen was full of what’s remained from Nino’s dishes that made him feel worse. Made him feel guiltier.
Nino was thoughtful enough to cook him enough food for weeks even though Nino was leaving, even though he was yelling at Nino and being a complete pain in the ass. Nino even kept restocking those delicious foods that were his favorite after they broke up - probably using the spare key when he was not around. Ohno just realized this because, come to think about it now, his food seemed to be unlimited. It must have been Nino, because there’s no way Ohno could mistake the taste that he had been feasting on for years and years. Nino had been taking care of him secretly even though they were not together anymore; doing all those things without expecting any kind of acknowledgment let alone gratitude. What else could scream unconditional love louder than that?
“You’re really a mess without him, aren’t you? You should have showed him if you care about him this much,” Sho gave him a look that indicating that he knew, that he finally understood what was happening inside Ohno’s head but still slightly disappointed of what was done, “You should have showed him if he matters to you this much.”
Ohno looked down to his feet. He was stupid, he didn’t need Sho to tell him that; he already knew. He learned it the hard way.
Sho gazed at Ohno. More with pity than anger this time. He patted Ohno on the shoulder then made his way around the apartment, snatching a few of Ohno’s clothes, Ohno’s cellphone, and Ohno’s wallet. Then, he gave them all to Ohno and pulled Ohno outside.
Ohno was confused.
“We only promised him that he wouldn’t see you again,” Sho explained without being asked, “It’s not violating the bargain if you’re there and not seen by him.”
Ohno was stunned.
“I can’t handle seeing two of my best friends in such great pain. One is already too much. What you’ve done for him was.. great, anyway.”
And they left to the hospital once again.
*******
Ohno figured that during his short absence, the rest of Arashi - save from Nino - had discussed much; about Nino, about Ohno, and about Arashi in general. The moment they arrived to the hospital, Sho left again to attend a meeting in the jimusho - they had decided that Sho would handle the management side. Jun would handle the press, that’s why he had his phone with him all the time on his right hand and a schedule full of conferences on his left. While Aiba would mostly stay at hospital, accompanying both Nino and Ohno. Not because Aiba was not capable in handling things, but because everyone knew Aiba was the closest to Nino. After Ohno, of course.
They also decided that it was best to let Ohno stay beside Nino. They didn’t really tell why, but from the secretive way they looked to each other’s eyes, Ohno knew it wasn’t only for Nino.
Everything was planned carefully; they would smuggle Ohno inside whenever it’s possible - when Nino was sleeping, mostly - and let Ohno sit on a chair that was hidden behind the bed’s curtain. They were lucky that Nino never bothered about the curtain, so they would be safe as long as Ohno was able to keep quiet.
And Ohno was, at the very least, absolutely grateful about all this arrangement. After the meal that Jun had made him promise to finish, Aiba let him in and he took his seat, sealing his mouth shut the moment he stepped in.
Ohno’s heart jumped when after twenty minutes or so, he heard Nino’s voice from behind the curtain.
“Hey, Aiba san,” Nino called Aiba weakly.
“Hey,” Aiba smiled and answered. He was sitting on a chair next to the bed, grabbing Nino’s hand close to his face.
“You’re here? Don’t you have anywhere else to be?” there’s a hint of his usual cheekiness there and it made Ohno’s heart did funny things.
“It’s my free day today,” Aiba chuckled.
“It’s your free day too yesterday and the day before. I envy you, I’ve never had that many free days since my mother tempted me with that 5000 yen,” Nino teased. Aiba and Ohno could hear how hard Nino was trying to sound like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t on a hospital bed, connected to countless life supporting equipment.
Ohno smiled, and he was sure that Aiba did too. It’s always heartwarming to know that Nino would never let anyone worry over him. It’s assuring that Nino was still their Nino, despite the short breaths and annoying beeping sounds from the heart monitor.
But then, Nino added, “I’m sorry, ne, Masaki.”
“Hm?”
“For making you have this many free days,” Nino continued, showing that he felt guilty in the most subtle way.
Actually Nino wanted to cry, wanted to tell Aiba to go away and continue with his life, but he couldn’t. He needed Aiba. He needed someone to hold on to, now that he could sense that his life was inching away from his body. So he just apologized because it’s the only thing that he could do.
For once, Nino felt grateful that his band-mates somehow figured that he was sick because if they didn’t, he would be all alone right now. Alone and miserable, counting down the days until his last. Nino used to think that it would be just okay but now that he’s already on his deathbed, he felt the urge to just curl up to his mother and cry.
But he couldn’t do that because he didn’t want to hurt his mother by leaving her slowly, in the most ungraceful way. It would just be too cruel, to force his mother to walk through all that with him.
Aiba bit his lips and stayed still because he didn’t want to cry in front of Nino. He just nodded, indicating that it was okay and that Nino shouldn’t think about it.
Nino patted Aiba’s head because he could feel how hard his best friend was trying to swallow down all the feelings. It was hard for him too.
Then, a faint scent tickled Nino’s nose and he wondered if his brain was playing tricks with him because he could smell Ohno. His thin fingers stopped on Aiba’s cheek as he tried to figure it out, sniffing ever so slightly because it’s already hard for him to just breathe. When he realized that he still could smell it on the air, he shook his head, telling himself to stop fantasizing things.
To stop thinking about Ohno so persistently. Insistently. Unrelentingly.
“What’s the matter?” Aiba asked.
Nino just smiled, “No. Nothing.”
But Aiba had already been his friends since he was still a teenager, Aiba knew when he was lying.
Nino sighed and gave up pretending, “Where’s he?”
Ohno jolted on his seat. Everyone in that room knew who this he was. It was him.
Aiba avoided Nino’s eyes by taking out his phone, “I don’t know, but I can ask if you want to know.”
Nino gave his bitter smile out and gripped Aiba’s hand, “You don’t need to,” then, he turned his face away from Aiba and closed his eyes because it hurt so much, “He’s probably out on the sea now, fishing or something.”
Aiba scrambled to reach for Nino’s face and pulled it so Nino was facing him once again. He cupped Nino’s cheeks and stared right to Nino’s eyes. There, on those hazel eyes, was written all the sadness that Nino wrapped so tightly so no one could ever fathom it.
But for now, it leaked. Aiba could feel it; all the despair, all the muted screams that Nino hid from everyone including himself.
Even Ohno, behind the curtain, could feel it. He gripped his chair, he bit his lip, he clenched his body to contain all the emotion that was overflowing. He wanted to run to Nino right then, telling him that he was there. Worrying about Nino. Longing for Nino. Loving Nino like he always did but never showed properly.
Ohno was not on the sea, fishing and not minding about Nino. He was there, right next to Nino, refraining himself from exploding by all the guilt and worry that he felt.
“He cares about you, we all do,” Aiba assured Nino but it was him who was crying.
Ohno nodded even though he couldn’t be seen. Oh, how he wanted Nino to understand that.
“Don’t, Masaki,” Nino finally teared up, seeing Aiba cry made him weak, “Don’t sugarcoat it for me. I don’t like sweets, he does,” he tried to joke despite the rolling tears.
It might sound silly but hearing his preferences spilled from Nino’s mouth in this situation like it’s the only thing that was always on Nino’s mind naturally made Ohno’s insides churned. He realized that he never paid enough attention to Nino, he realized that if he looked close enough he would notice that every single thing that Nino did shows how much Nino loved him and cared about him.
“No, Nino, I don’t. You should know how much you’re loved. You always think last of yourself but you have to know that we don’t do the same. You’re precious for us, Nino. We need you,” Aiba exploded. He couldn’t stand seeing Nino like this; thinking that he’s the least thing mattered in the whole universe. Thinking that everyone would be better if he just leave - no fighting, no struggling.
Nino stared at Aiba and he felt the warmth of every single word that Aiba said seeped into his heart. He placed his palm on Aiba’s cheek, letting the older catch his breath because Aiba was sobbing hard.
When Aiba had calmed down slightly, Nino patted Aiba’s cheek and smiled in between his own tears, “Thank you, Masaki.”
Aiba just looked back at Nino, didn’t know what Nino was thanking for. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and slapped himself mentally for breaking down in front of Nino when he had vowed not to.
Nino swallowed before he continued because there’s a big lump in his throat that prevented him from saying a thing. He was still crying, but he didn’t care anymore. He wiped Aiba’s tears and said, “Thank you for being the only one who cry for me.”
And it was like the world decided to put its weight on the tiny point of Ohno’s heart. Hearing it from someone else was one thing, but hearing how Nino was in deep pain, how Nino really wasn’t aware of what he’s worth, and how Nino thought that no one loved him enough straight from Nino himself was a very painful experience.
Ohno folded his knees up on his chair, hugging them and biting them to stay silent.
“Come here,” Nino moved a bit and pulled Aiba up to his bed.
Aiba obeyed, snuggling close to Nino and wrapped the slighter into his tight embrace. He was shaking hard. He wanted to say something but he just wasn’t able too.
Nino laughed a bit despite his tears, “Look at us. It’s 2002 all over again, Masaki.”
Aiba nodded, remembering the warmth that Nino shared with him through all those nights when he was hospitalized, “And 2011, too. Don’t forget 2011.”
Nino chuckled to that. Then, he stopped and said to the crook of Aiba’s neck, “But this time, everyone will end up on a funeral.”
“Nino, don’t,” Aiba protested. A squeak of restrained sob was emitted from his throat.
“My funeral,” Nino ignored Aiba and continued to cry to Aiba’s chest, feeling utter loneliness after he said the words.
He didn’t even aware that just a few centimeters away from him, Ohno was curling up on a chair, crying the life out of himself in silent. For Nino. His Nino. His dearest Nino.
To be continued....
I know it's been so long since the first part. I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! T^T
It got a lot longer than I planned, so I officially changed this from 'one shot' into 'chaptered'.
Well, thanks for reading! ♥
(PS: Because it's been sooooooo long, it might be better to read the first part first here.)
Ohno was an egoist jerk but Nino's love towards him was unwavering. When one day Nino asked for a breakup, and when Ohno learned that Nino might leave him for real, he realized how he had taken Nino for granted.
“Nino,” Aiba called out. He timidly stepped inside and found his friend smiled weakly at him. Sho went to the doctor with Jun right after breaking the news and Aiba decided that they couldn’t waste any more time. He proceeded carefully into Nino’s room, “Someone wants to say something to you.”
Ohno emerged from the door, face guilty and unsure.
Nino abruptly opened his oxygen mask. He shot a betrayed look at Aiba, “What’s this?!”
“Just a moment, Nino,” Aiba begged, “Just a few seconds and you might reconsider your decision of giving up.”
“No, Masaki,” Nino tried to make himself clear. Deep inside, he was a mess. Just being in the same room as Ohno already sent him to an emotional limbo.
He had made his decision clear, at least to Sho; he wanted to go home, ending everything without all these cables and equipment bothering him. He just wanted to be in a familiar place - even though his new and barely touched house wasn’t exactly familiar to him too but at least, what was inside it was familiar. All the photos, the scents.. All the little things that he brought from his shared space with Ohno.
“Nino, please,” Ohno’s voice was reaching Nino’s ears and it’s the exact definition of familiar.
Nino tried to act tough, he had always been trying to be. But just by hearing that voice, he already fell into a crying mess again. His heart was bleeding by all the love that he had.
“Nino, I know I’ve been a jerk,” Ohno tried.
Nino sobbed. He refused to look at Ohno. All the flutters in his heart couldn’t be a good sign. Ohno was still so, so, so dear to him that he was tempted to just give in once again and fight. But he already had enough of that. He had had enough of fighting for something that he could never win.
He then shot a pleading gaze to Aiba and croaked, “Masaki, please.”
“Nino,” Ohno slowly stepped closer to Nino. He was giving his all to hold back his tears. Seeing Nino in such deep pain and knowing that he was the reason why made him felt like crumbling down and giving up on life. But he had to be strong. He had let Nino bear the weight of their relationship alone for all those years, now it’s his turn.
“Please, Masaki,” Nino begged to Aiba. His whole body was shaking hard, like he was enduring an excruciating torture and well, maybe he was, “I can’t anymore. Please.”
Ohno started to doubt that he could be Nino’s source of hope. He began to think that maybe he’s the reason why Nino wanted to give up instead. The way Nino writhed like he was some kind of monster that walked to his room gave a harrowing stab to Ohno’s heart.
Little did Ohno know that Nino was avoiding him because he’s the only thing that made Nino wanted to live. Because he’s the only one who might make Nino change his decision. Because he’s the only one that could make Nino want to walk through all the pain and sorrow all over again.
Aiba stormed out to seek for the nurse and Ohno turned into statue when all the monitors went frantic and Nino gasped for air before falling into unconsciousness.
*******
Sho had thrown a tantrum since he heard that Ohno came and Nino went into critical state. He and Jun were still discussing about what to do by then and they had no idea that Aiba took Ohno to Nino’s room. Jun interrogated Aiba and scolded him for doing something that they all hadn’t agreed on yet.
Aiba said he just wanted to do anything that might help Nino, Sho said they all did.
They just had to be careful on picking their actions. They were walking on a thin, thin thread, there was no space for trial and error.
While the three were arguing because they didn’t know any other way to release the stress, Ohno pondered by himself. Nino was stubborn when he wanted to, Ohno knew it by heart, but it didn’t mean they had no chance in negotiating.
He clenched and unclenched his fist. An idea came across his mind but he wasn’t sure about it. He wasn’t sure it could get through and, most importantly, he wasn’t sure if he could endure it.
But, thinking about enduring things, Ohno’s brain slowly registered everything that Nino had had to endure. From the illness and from their relationship. Nino had endured so much and Ohno had never seen him complained about it. Not even once.
Probably this was the time to show that he could, at least, take part too. That he would. That Nino wasn’t the only one who’s willing to sacrifice.
Ohno was never good in taking big decisions. He always had his parents or Nino or Arashi in general to help him. But now, he knew it’s time for him to be a proper adult and take hold of his own life. And also his dearest one’s, the one that should have been his responsibility since he took Nino’s hands in his years and years ago.
Finally, he stood up and said, “He needs the chemo.”
Sho rolled his eyes sarcastically, “Like we don’t know about that yet.”
Jun gave a more helpful reply, “We need his consent. He’s not giving any.”
“He will,” Ohno said and he took a deep breath, “Just tell him I’ll keep coming if he won’t.”
At least Ohno knew this kind of arrangement might work for Nino. Judging by the way Nino reacted when he looked at Ohno, Ohno took it as their best shot.
The three men stared at their leader, trying to digest it. Jun was the first to make an expression which was a mix of hope and doubt.
Then, Ohno wavered, thinking that maybe his existence - or the lack of it - wasn’t that mattered in Nino’s life. He had thought of himself so high, like the world was revolving around him, and now he realized it was not. So, he added, “And- and I’ll tell his mother too about this if he refuses. And his sister, too. And the fans, even.”
“He’ll hate you even more,” Sho said, not to make Ohno revised his plan, but to make sure Ohno knew the consequences.
And of course, Ohno had taken it into account, “I prefer having him hating me to the bones than not having him at all.”
“You have to keep your part of bargain if this is happening,” Jun gave the final chance for Ohno to quit.
His heart felt heavy but he bore with it anyway. He kept his head up, thinking that Aiba was right; being a weeping bundle of mess won’t do anyone any good, “Yeah, I will. Anything to make him better. Anything.”
Aiba shot a hopeful gaze to everyone, “This might do.”
Sho shot a glance to Ohno once before he went to the doctor’s room with Jun, “This have to do.”
*******
“I’m dying anyway, you guys know that,” Nino grumbled but he took the paper anyway.
Ohno was right, Nino opted to endure the chemo when he was given the choices. Looking at Nino signing the paper from the door’s window gave mixed feelings to Ohno. He felt relieved; at least they’re doing something. He felt hurt; the fact that Nino would prefer anything than meeting him was not an easy thing to swallow.
He smiled faintly nevertheless. Nino’s health was the only thing that mattered, he reminded himself.
Right after giving the paper back to Sho, Nino stole one quick glance to the door. He looked so upset when he said, “There, you have my signature. Now, please, tell him to get lost,” but he’s actually just eager to get rid the only thing that might interrupt his plan of peaceful last days. He could handle Jun’s rant, Sho’s worry, or even Aiba’s sobs. He had expected teary nights over the absence of Ohno because he wouldn’t fool anyone, he’s still so much into that guy. But having the real Ohno around? No, he couldn’t handle it anymore. The waves and tides of feelings would make everything messy and emotional and dramatic and it’s not what peaceful meant in his mind.
When Sho was turning to him, Ohno just waved a dismissal wave to him. Ohno didn’t need to be told about it. He understood even though he couldn’t hear a thing. With all of the sincerity he had in his life, he shot a soft smile to Nino and nodded once before taking his leave.
He could ask for update from Aiba later, he assured himself internally. He could see Nino again later when everything’s brighter and better, hopefully. Then, he could atone for his sins; fighting for Nino’s love once again, proving that he was a jerk but he could change into someone who deserves Nino.
Ohno swung his feet absentmindedly. His heart became more and more broken in every step. His smile dissipated into thin air. His phone buzzed, Aiba was calling, but he didn’t have any power left to communicate with anyone. He didn’t want the feeling of being pitied either. He just wanted to go home. Their home.
The moment he stepped inside the apartment, where no one could see him anymore, he finally broke down. All of his defenses crumbled down into ashes. He took the right decision, he believed, but that exact decision killed him inside out. He had resolved to not cry, but apparently it’s an impossible thing.
He wanted to be with Nino. To hold Nino’s stubby fingers, to sweep Nino’s soft hair, to gain strength from Nino.
Because whatever the condition, it’s always Nino who gave power for both of them.
“Tadaima,” he mumbled as if Nino was there, waiting for him, and there was no reply. There was only silence greeted him like a best buddy.
The apartment wasn’t that tidy anymore ever since Nino left. Not that Ohno was a messy person, but it was just not as well kept as when Nino was around. Paint brushes here and there, empty cans of beers lined up next to the couch, dirty dishes piling up. There’s no tasty scent lingering in the air too - there hadn’t been any for months actually.
To be honest, Ohno had realized the significance of Nino’s presence for him since a month or two before then. When his anger had receded and he could feel how cold his nights were without Nino and when he noticed how much he depended on Nino before. The messed up schedule, the forgotten meals, the not-prepared baths...
Ohno had realized how Nino was like air and clothes and foods and water and everything essential in his life. All the things that he needed to keep on living, all the things that he never looked twice to give his gratitude.
All the things that he thought was natural to be there for him, all the things that he was sure would always be there for him. And maybe it was true, except for Nino. Nino left him and he didn’t really know how to handle that.
He missed Nino. He needed Nino.
Unfortunately, he acted like a jerk to show it.
Ohno had taken Nino for granted for too long and it took a fainted Nino to give him realization upon it.
Ohno fell to his knees and he just realized how his body was trembling and how wet his eyes were. He was crying. He was extremely close to wailing.
He cried his heart out in the middle of his living room and he fell asleep out of exhaustion. Spent and missing Nino to the bits.
*******
When Ohno opened his eyes and saw Sho was squatting next to him, he didn’t know if it’s real or not. He was on the floor, clutching to the blanket that he used to share with Nino. He had searched around the apartment and he couldn’t find anything that belonged to Nino, it was as if Nino was erasing himself from Ohno’s life completely.
“Stand up, Ohno Satoshi,” Sho held out a hand. His tone was still stern but it was so much less offensive than before. At least he was not fuming mad.
“How’s Nino?” Ohno had asked this question on his once-in-an-hour calls to Aiba, but he still asked it again anyway. No one could blame him, since Nino’s condition was so unstable to say the least.
Sho pulled Ohno upwards. Ohno limped and he sighed. Not a disappointed sigh, but a concerned sigh, “Now it looks like he’s better than you.”
Ohno was convinced that Sho had calmed down enough by now. He could see that Sho was changing back to his usual self; his best friend, his wingman. Probably the fact that they’re finally doing something to Nino did it, “The chemo..”
“It’s scheduled,” Sho informed. His tone was one of relief, “He’s better enough to endure it now.”
Ohno gripped Sho’s hand because his brain had worked hard to estimate various possible outputs of everything and the worst possibility still got him terrified, “He will be alright after it, right?”
Sho didn’t answer it but asked another question instead, “When was the last time you ate?”
Now it’s Ohno’s turn to not answer the question.
Sho huffed, knowing that Ohno wouldn’t answer if he didn’t, “His chance is better with the chemo but we still don’t know how great it would help.”
Ohno’s grip to Sho tightened for a moment. His body became rigid and his eyes turned glassy once again. Then, after he overcame the urge to breakdown and wail again, he gave his answer to Sho, “I ate melon pan with Aiba chan.”
Sho, being the attentive man that he was, of course knew what that meant and massaged his temple, “It’s two days ago, Ohno kun.”
Ohno stayed silent. He just fidgeted on his feet. He didn’t feel like eating, really. Not when he wasn’t sure if Nino was alright. Not when the kitchen was full of what’s remained from Nino’s dishes that made him feel worse. Made him feel guiltier.
Nino was thoughtful enough to cook him enough food for weeks even though Nino was leaving, even though he was yelling at Nino and being a complete pain in the ass. Nino even kept restocking those delicious foods that were his favorite after they broke up - probably using the spare key when he was not around. Ohno just realized this because, come to think about it now, his food seemed to be unlimited. It must have been Nino, because there’s no way Ohno could mistake the taste that he had been feasting on for years and years. Nino had been taking care of him secretly even though they were not together anymore; doing all those things without expecting any kind of acknowledgment let alone gratitude. What else could scream unconditional love louder than that?
“You’re really a mess without him, aren’t you? You should have showed him if you care about him this much,” Sho gave him a look that indicating that he knew, that he finally understood what was happening inside Ohno’s head but still slightly disappointed of what was done, “You should have showed him if he matters to you this much.”
Ohno looked down to his feet. He was stupid, he didn’t need Sho to tell him that; he already knew. He learned it the hard way.
Sho gazed at Ohno. More with pity than anger this time. He patted Ohno on the shoulder then made his way around the apartment, snatching a few of Ohno’s clothes, Ohno’s cellphone, and Ohno’s wallet. Then, he gave them all to Ohno and pulled Ohno outside.
Ohno was confused.
“We only promised him that he wouldn’t see you again,” Sho explained without being asked, “It’s not violating the bargain if you’re there and not seen by him.”
Ohno was stunned.
“I can’t handle seeing two of my best friends in such great pain. One is already too much. What you’ve done for him was.. great, anyway.”
And they left to the hospital once again.
*******
Ohno figured that during his short absence, the rest of Arashi - save from Nino - had discussed much; about Nino, about Ohno, and about Arashi in general. The moment they arrived to the hospital, Sho left again to attend a meeting in the jimusho - they had decided that Sho would handle the management side. Jun would handle the press, that’s why he had his phone with him all the time on his right hand and a schedule full of conferences on his left. While Aiba would mostly stay at hospital, accompanying both Nino and Ohno. Not because Aiba was not capable in handling things, but because everyone knew Aiba was the closest to Nino. After Ohno, of course.
They also decided that it was best to let Ohno stay beside Nino. They didn’t really tell why, but from the secretive way they looked to each other’s eyes, Ohno knew it wasn’t only for Nino.
Everything was planned carefully; they would smuggle Ohno inside whenever it’s possible - when Nino was sleeping, mostly - and let Ohno sit on a chair that was hidden behind the bed’s curtain. They were lucky that Nino never bothered about the curtain, so they would be safe as long as Ohno was able to keep quiet.
And Ohno was, at the very least, absolutely grateful about all this arrangement. After the meal that Jun had made him promise to finish, Aiba let him in and he took his seat, sealing his mouth shut the moment he stepped in.
Ohno’s heart jumped when after twenty minutes or so, he heard Nino’s voice from behind the curtain.
“Hey, Aiba san,” Nino called Aiba weakly.
“Hey,” Aiba smiled and answered. He was sitting on a chair next to the bed, grabbing Nino’s hand close to his face.
“You’re here? Don’t you have anywhere else to be?” there’s a hint of his usual cheekiness there and it made Ohno’s heart did funny things.
“It’s my free day today,” Aiba chuckled.
“It’s your free day too yesterday and the day before. I envy you, I’ve never had that many free days since my mother tempted me with that 5000 yen,” Nino teased. Aiba and Ohno could hear how hard Nino was trying to sound like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t on a hospital bed, connected to countless life supporting equipment.
Ohno smiled, and he was sure that Aiba did too. It’s always heartwarming to know that Nino would never let anyone worry over him. It’s assuring that Nino was still their Nino, despite the short breaths and annoying beeping sounds from the heart monitor.
But then, Nino added, “I’m sorry, ne, Masaki.”
“Hm?”
“For making you have this many free days,” Nino continued, showing that he felt guilty in the most subtle way.
Actually Nino wanted to cry, wanted to tell Aiba to go away and continue with his life, but he couldn’t. He needed Aiba. He needed someone to hold on to, now that he could sense that his life was inching away from his body. So he just apologized because it’s the only thing that he could do.
For once, Nino felt grateful that his band-mates somehow figured that he was sick because if they didn’t, he would be all alone right now. Alone and miserable, counting down the days until his last. Nino used to think that it would be just okay but now that he’s already on his deathbed, he felt the urge to just curl up to his mother and cry.
But he couldn’t do that because he didn’t want to hurt his mother by leaving her slowly, in the most ungraceful way. It would just be too cruel, to force his mother to walk through all that with him.
Aiba bit his lips and stayed still because he didn’t want to cry in front of Nino. He just nodded, indicating that it was okay and that Nino shouldn’t think about it.
Nino patted Aiba’s head because he could feel how hard his best friend was trying to swallow down all the feelings. It was hard for him too.
Then, a faint scent tickled Nino’s nose and he wondered if his brain was playing tricks with him because he could smell Ohno. His thin fingers stopped on Aiba’s cheek as he tried to figure it out, sniffing ever so slightly because it’s already hard for him to just breathe. When he realized that he still could smell it on the air, he shook his head, telling himself to stop fantasizing things.
To stop thinking about Ohno so persistently. Insistently. Unrelentingly.
“What’s the matter?” Aiba asked.
Nino just smiled, “No. Nothing.”
But Aiba had already been his friends since he was still a teenager, Aiba knew when he was lying.
Nino sighed and gave up pretending, “Where’s he?”
Ohno jolted on his seat. Everyone in that room knew who this he was. It was him.
Aiba avoided Nino’s eyes by taking out his phone, “I don’t know, but I can ask if you want to know.”
Nino gave his bitter smile out and gripped Aiba’s hand, “You don’t need to,” then, he turned his face away from Aiba and closed his eyes because it hurt so much, “He’s probably out on the sea now, fishing or something.”
Aiba scrambled to reach for Nino’s face and pulled it so Nino was facing him once again. He cupped Nino’s cheeks and stared right to Nino’s eyes. There, on those hazel eyes, was written all the sadness that Nino wrapped so tightly so no one could ever fathom it.
But for now, it leaked. Aiba could feel it; all the despair, all the muted screams that Nino hid from everyone including himself.
Even Ohno, behind the curtain, could feel it. He gripped his chair, he bit his lip, he clenched his body to contain all the emotion that was overflowing. He wanted to run to Nino right then, telling him that he was there. Worrying about Nino. Longing for Nino. Loving Nino like he always did but never showed properly.
Ohno was not on the sea, fishing and not minding about Nino. He was there, right next to Nino, refraining himself from exploding by all the guilt and worry that he felt.
“He cares about you, we all do,” Aiba assured Nino but it was him who was crying.
Ohno nodded even though he couldn’t be seen. Oh, how he wanted Nino to understand that.
“Don’t, Masaki,” Nino finally teared up, seeing Aiba cry made him weak, “Don’t sugarcoat it for me. I don’t like sweets, he does,” he tried to joke despite the rolling tears.
It might sound silly but hearing his preferences spilled from Nino’s mouth in this situation like it’s the only thing that was always on Nino’s mind naturally made Ohno’s insides churned. He realized that he never paid enough attention to Nino, he realized that if he looked close enough he would notice that every single thing that Nino did shows how much Nino loved him and cared about him.
“No, Nino, I don’t. You should know how much you’re loved. You always think last of yourself but you have to know that we don’t do the same. You’re precious for us, Nino. We need you,” Aiba exploded. He couldn’t stand seeing Nino like this; thinking that he’s the least thing mattered in the whole universe. Thinking that everyone would be better if he just leave - no fighting, no struggling.
Nino stared at Aiba and he felt the warmth of every single word that Aiba said seeped into his heart. He placed his palm on Aiba’s cheek, letting the older catch his breath because Aiba was sobbing hard.
When Aiba had calmed down slightly, Nino patted Aiba’s cheek and smiled in between his own tears, “Thank you, Masaki.”
Aiba just looked back at Nino, didn’t know what Nino was thanking for. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and slapped himself mentally for breaking down in front of Nino when he had vowed not to.
Nino swallowed before he continued because there’s a big lump in his throat that prevented him from saying a thing. He was still crying, but he didn’t care anymore. He wiped Aiba’s tears and said, “Thank you for being the only one who cry for me.”
And it was like the world decided to put its weight on the tiny point of Ohno’s heart. Hearing it from someone else was one thing, but hearing how Nino was in deep pain, how Nino really wasn’t aware of what he’s worth, and how Nino thought that no one loved him enough straight from Nino himself was a very painful experience.
Ohno folded his knees up on his chair, hugging them and biting them to stay silent.
“Come here,” Nino moved a bit and pulled Aiba up to his bed.
Aiba obeyed, snuggling close to Nino and wrapped the slighter into his tight embrace. He was shaking hard. He wanted to say something but he just wasn’t able too.
Nino laughed a bit despite his tears, “Look at us. It’s 2002 all over again, Masaki.”
Aiba nodded, remembering the warmth that Nino shared with him through all those nights when he was hospitalized, “And 2011, too. Don’t forget 2011.”
Nino chuckled to that. Then, he stopped and said to the crook of Aiba’s neck, “But this time, everyone will end up on a funeral.”
“Nino, don’t,” Aiba protested. A squeak of restrained sob was emitted from his throat.
“My funeral,” Nino ignored Aiba and continued to cry to Aiba’s chest, feeling utter loneliness after he said the words.
He didn’t even aware that just a few centimeters away from him, Ohno was curling up on a chair, crying the life out of himself in silent. For Nino. His Nino. His dearest Nino.
To be continued....
I know it's been so long since the first part. I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! T^T
It got a lot longer than I planned, so I officially changed this from 'one shot' into 'chaptered'.
Well, thanks for reading! ♥