Coming-out question

[marauderthesn]

Here's a question I'd like to hear people's thoughts on: if a kid's parents are married and the kid comes out to only one parent, is it acceptable for that parent to tell the other

Comments

[little_missmimi]

Not in my opinion. I told my mom the same thing and asked her not to tell my dad, and she hasn't, as far as I know. It's about you, so you should get to choose who knows. Granted, we (society) shouldn't automatically treat everyone as straight, but that's a different battle.

[redstar826]

Ideally, the parent would ask their child what their plans are with regards to telling the other parent, and then respect the child's wishes if they say they aren't ready to tell them.

I don't think a parent should tell the other parent unless they know that their child is okay with it.

[bookworm_2005]

If asked, the parent should keep a sensitive secret like this. If they tell anyway, then the other parent's reaction is all on them, and they should step up and take responsibility/act as a buffer.
If they feel the need to confide in their spouse about the secret, they should ask the child first if it's alright to tell the other parent, so that they can be prepared for a bad reaction.

You know, it sounds kind of complicated when I type it out, but in real life, there are plenty of things my Dad doesn't want or need to know, so we don't tell him and a peaceful home life is enjoyed by all. Maybe, as a child, this secret keeping would have been a bigger deal, but as an adult, even if I share a house with my parents, my world doesn't revolve around my dad's opinions of me, so...

[crysania4]

What a complicated question, when you think about it. I believe there should be no secrets between spouses but when it's something like this and you've been entrusted with the information I think you should respect your child enough to not tell the other spouse that you know, *especially* if your child specifically says "Don't tell Mom/Dad yet."

But that makes it all fairly tricky. Do you then LIE to your spouse if they ask you about your child's sexual orientation?

[tko_ak]

Right. It shouldn't be a concern, but parents worry and aren't always equopped with the right information. They need to discuss things, too.

Look at intent. Are they telling the other parent because they want the other parent to beat the shit out of the kid to try and change them, or because they need to talk, want them to be aware of potential struggles to be faced (worrying about bullying, disease, etc.).

[marauderthesn]

If the kid says "Don't tell Mom/Dad yet," that's one thing. If the kid never wants Mom/Dad to know, then the issue is somewhat different.

[gandolforf]

I'd want to ask the kid if they were going to tell the other parent on their own. Yes means I give them the space to do so, no means ask why not. I'd go from there.