HOOBOY. I had a truly, truly, truly awful case of anxiety about three, four years ago. HATED my job, was always poor, HATED my roommates and living situation, HATED my car (which I had gotten on a trade in from my favorite car ever because I couldn't afford it anymore), I was constantly going in late or calling out of work because I truly did not want to go. It was awful. Depressing, sad, everything. HORRIBLE. I moved back home with the parents to afford just fucking eating and breathing and driving to work, and then spent a year interviewing for new jobs. Everything broke when I finally got call backs and was offered my current job
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oh dude, YES! i am definitely back on that side. i didn't put it like that but you are sosososo right -- like you're saying about your situation, remembering the fact that at the very least you're not in the same position as you were. that's what got me to start this part-time business; they asked me, "if you don't make a change today, won't the next five years be like the last five? is that what you want?" haha and i was like NOPE. SIGN ME UP FOR A CHANGE.
i just feel like i've been in transition for years, trying out x y and z, finding what i don't like, making the change, trying something new, etc. it gets to me once in a while, and i'm dying for the day where i say YES. this is IT. this is what i love, this is what i'm doing. i'll get there
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I'm not gonna lie, my job drives me batshit crazy a good deal of the time - or rather, the deadlines and managers I work with - but I wouldn't trade it right now. It's so challenging and satisfying. Three proposals due on the same day is INSANITY. But DUDE I did it. I lived through it, and I sat in a meeting this morning and instantly felt ... like, more important or something. Like I aged and proved myself in the last two months that I go above and beyond and get shit done.
Also, this isn't meant as patronizing, but Michelle, you are still so young! I think things will settle emotionally after a while when you see things moving into place. That's kind of how I feel now. I'm freaking about 30, but I also look back on the last ten years and am glad I'm not in the crazy 25-27 years where I just drank all the time, went in late, didn't give a shit, fucked around (literally and figuratively) and just had no direction whatsoever.
where I just drank all the time, went in late, didn't give a shit,
haha so much this. all of this. add shit tons of cheesy gorditas and that is my liiiife
at least with my fulltime position. i am so annoyed that i have to be an MH counselor, to be honest. i really loved it at first, but now there are these two driving forces pushing me towards my future, and neither of them can pay enough right now to sustain me! x__x so i go in for my 40 hours NOT, GIVIN, A SHIT. it's annoying hahaah.
and YES. everyone i have ever talked to is like OMG. YOU'RE SO YOUNG. SHUT UP. but young = restless = instant gratification! i think everyone wants to have their shit in place by 30. that's the mile-mark. BUT most 30 year olds i know, don't -- so i figure if i don't make it, i'm still on par :D and plenty of time left to figure it out!
I relate to this post so much I feel like I could have written it. I'm also in a weird place career-wise, debating money vs. passion. And yes, it's a crazy place to be in, and it has definitely been the cause of many anxiety episodes and funks for me over the past few months,
I'm glad you're keeping with writing and with your MFA. And I'm glad you're taking a big breath and working your way forward.
Literally - I've had everything I've spent the last 15 years working for pulled out from under me. Mostly I just want to curl up in a corner and die. I have a beautiful five year old that's is my strength and a reminder of why I can't
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oh my god, you are officially one of the strongest people i've met! the willpower it takes to push someone through any setback or disappointment is immense, so you are my new model to look to when i need to call up some strength.
having to choose practical is TORTURE. i have come to find that i do not feel any worse about myself than when i am choosing to do something that isn't writing. BUT to be an artist, it takes so much work to figure out how to get the bills paid, to "plug into the community," to get established. and you're so right -- when you start to think about that process, how could fear not take over?
path of least resistance always wins -- especially when you've got a wittle mouth to feed <333 whatever your path, i hope something beyond us opens up your world and gives you a freakin break.
o you are my new model to look to when i need to call up some strength. I don't know that I'm any stronger than anyone else and everyone reacts differently to tragedy. I just try to be the best me that I can and I'm really trying to tackle each day as it comes along. I am happy to offer support though. I don't think any of us can ever have enough cheer leading in our lives and I'm a big fan of karma.
having to choose practical is TORTURE It is - I've been fortunate most of my life to have found that compromise of not quite doing what I'd like, but something close. And that's a good thing, but it does leave one less than satisfied and worse, it leaves the giant WHAT IF to taunt you.
path of least resistance always wins -- especially when you've got a wittle mouth to feed I have some time to get my ducks together and I'm not living on the streets so there's much to be said for that. What I really want to do is model for my child, what I believe. - that money/things are not happiness, that giving up the right now for some tomorrow
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your vote of confidence means so much! i have always looked up to you as a brilliant person: writer, reader, teacher, satirist (HAHA). scholar in general. i'm sad you're not wanting to go back! are you finished your degree, or do you have other plans?
the prospect of devoting that much time to writing truly makes my skin flush with excitement. i just have to do it!
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i just feel like i've been in transition for years, trying out x y and z, finding what i don't like, making the change, trying something new, etc. it gets to me once in a while, and i'm dying for the day where i say YES. this is IT. this is what i love, this is what i'm doing. i'll get there ( ... )
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Also, this isn't meant as patronizing, but Michelle, you are still so young! I think things will settle emotionally after a while when you see things moving into place. That's kind of how I feel now. I'm freaking about 30, but I also look back on the last ten years and am glad I'm not in the crazy 25-27 years where I just drank all the time, went in late, didn't give a shit, fucked around (literally and figuratively) and just had no direction whatsoever.
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haha so much this. all of this. add shit tons of cheesy gorditas and that is my liiiife
at least with my fulltime position. i am so annoyed that i have to be an MH counselor, to be honest. i really loved it at first, but now there are these two driving forces pushing me towards my future, and neither of them can pay enough right now to sustain me! x__x so i go in for my 40 hours NOT, GIVIN, A SHIT. it's annoying hahaah.
and YES. everyone i have ever talked to is like OMG. YOU'RE SO YOUNG. SHUT UP. but young = restless = instant gratification! i think everyone wants to have their shit in place by 30. that's the mile-mark. BUT most 30 year olds i know, don't -- so i figure if i don't make it, i'm still on par :D and plenty of time left to figure it out!
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I'm glad you're keeping with writing and with your MFA. And I'm glad you're taking a big breath and working your way forward.
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i wish you luck on finding your path! and i am hear for crazyfests, wheneva :D
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AHAHA.
X___X DUM.
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having to choose practical is TORTURE. i have come to find that i do not feel any worse about myself than when i am choosing to do something that isn't writing. BUT to be an artist, it takes so much work to figure out how to get the bills paid, to "plug into the community," to get established. and you're so right -- when you start to think about that process, how could fear not take over?
path of least resistance always wins -- especially when you've got a wittle mouth to feed <333 whatever your path, i hope something beyond us opens up your world and gives you a freakin break.
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having to choose practical is TORTURE It is - I've been fortunate most of my life to have found that compromise of not quite doing what I'd like, but something close. And that's a good thing, but it does leave one less than satisfied and worse, it leaves the giant WHAT IF to taunt you.
path of least resistance always wins -- especially when you've got a wittle mouth to feed I have some time to get my ducks together and I'm not living on the streets so there's much to be said for that. What I really want to do is model for my child, what I believe. - that money/things are not happiness, that giving up the right now for some tomorrow ( ... )
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the prospect of devoting that much time to writing truly makes my skin flush with excitement. i just have to do it!
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<333333333333333333
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