let's talk about funks.
funks are the worst. FUNKS ARE THE WORST!!! eff.
we all have them, and if you want to talk about them, i want to talk about them. but let me be clear: i am not talking about a whinge about a bad school/work day; not talking about the frustration of artist's block; not talking about your shitbag friend who talked behind your back the other day (although, for the record, fuck that person).
i'm talking about that panicky anxiety stuff; that depression stuff; that stuff where all the sudden you're worried about LIFE, usually for no reason. what the hell am i doing, why am i not doing what i want to do, is this it, i thought there'd be more, etc.
i had a mental meltdown, felt overwhelmed with frustration and indecision re: MY FUTURE. i have full-time counseling position, but what's important is i am also working part-time with a business that is SO AWESOME and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT and there is an intense earning potential. but i would have to literally devote myself to it for like 7 years. eat, sleep, and breathe it. we're talking income potential of over 100-200k a year, for the rest of my life, on business overrides. THAT MEAAAANS. a forty-hour work month making upwards of 20k a month.
but it's not my passion. it's great, i love it, but if i do it right now, that is seven fucking years between me and my mfa, and working on being a full-time writer, and i do not think i can do it. i do not think i can wait another second.
and i think that's passion. being completely unwilling to sacrifice seven more years of my life. intuitively, it would make sense to build my business and establish a steady stream of income so i'll then have the freedom to do whatever i want. but right now i want my mfa SO BADLY, have already put it off for three years pretending it's a better idea to do something else, and i can't even fathom putting it to the wayside for another seven. can't.
so.
that's where i am.
passion versus money. sometimes i regret getting involved in the business. i'd be better off knowing i could never make the kind of money we talk about at our office. but i can. and i would, if i went full throttle. no doubt. because i'm awesome. siiigh.
so yesterday i slept until 12:30, didn't shower, didn't change out of my pajamas. i watched band of brothers and saved! and i read my bigbang file but never got to the editing part, and i read fic for HOURS and didn't leave any feedback, and i ate mini-wheats for all three meals, and i ignored every phone call i got, except my bff and we talked for two hours. i don't think i thought one thought all day. i just felt worry, i felt dread, i felt panic. i felt completely worthless.
this morning i decided FUCK IT, made a plan, and went to work. i'm sending in apps anyway, for fall 2011 admission. if i get in, i'm pretty sure i will be so ecstatic that sidestepping my business venture for two years will be totally fine. if i don't get in anywhere, i will be SO COMPLETELY DEVASTATED AND PROBABLY SLIP INTO INTENSE DEPRESSION, but i will have this business as my fall-back plan. and either way, the sun will still rise, the birds will sing, the rains will come, etc.
perspective returns, i take a breath, and i'm good to go again.
so how often do you get these funks? how long do they linger? (omg my longest was 11 months WHAT A SHIT YEAR THAT WAS) are you in one now? what do you do while you're in them? how do you think you snap out of them? what do you tend to ruminate over? IS THERE ANYTHING YOUR FLIST CAN DO FOR YOU? <3333
we all have them, and if you want to talk about them, i want to talk about them. but let me be clear: i am not talking about a whinge about a bad school/work day; not talking about the frustration of artist's block; not talking about your shitbag friend who talked behind your back the other day (although, for the record, fuck that person).
i'm talking about that panicky anxiety stuff; that depression stuff; that stuff where all the sudden you're worried about LIFE, usually for no reason. what the hell am i doing, why am i not doing what i want to do, is this it, i thought there'd be more, etc.
i had a mental meltdown, felt overwhelmed with frustration and indecision re: MY FUTURE. i have full-time counseling position, but what's important is i am also working part-time with a business that is SO AWESOME and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT and there is an intense earning potential. but i would have to literally devote myself to it for like 7 years. eat, sleep, and breathe it. we're talking income potential of over 100-200k a year, for the rest of my life, on business overrides. THAT MEAAAANS. a forty-hour work month making upwards of 20k a month.
but it's not my passion. it's great, i love it, but if i do it right now, that is seven fucking years between me and my mfa, and working on being a full-time writer, and i do not think i can do it. i do not think i can wait another second.
and i think that's passion. being completely unwilling to sacrifice seven more years of my life. intuitively, it would make sense to build my business and establish a steady stream of income so i'll then have the freedom to do whatever i want. but right now i want my mfa SO BADLY, have already put it off for three years pretending it's a better idea to do something else, and i can't even fathom putting it to the wayside for another seven. can't.
so.
that's where i am.
passion versus money. sometimes i regret getting involved in the business. i'd be better off knowing i could never make the kind of money we talk about at our office. but i can. and i would, if i went full throttle. no doubt. because i'm awesome. siiigh.
so yesterday i slept until 12:30, didn't shower, didn't change out of my pajamas. i watched band of brothers and saved! and i read my bigbang file but never got to the editing part, and i read fic for HOURS and didn't leave any feedback, and i ate mini-wheats for all three meals, and i ignored every phone call i got, except my bff and we talked for two hours. i don't think i thought one thought all day. i just felt worry, i felt dread, i felt panic. i felt completely worthless.
this morning i decided FUCK IT, made a plan, and went to work. i'm sending in apps anyway, for fall 2011 admission. if i get in, i'm pretty sure i will be so ecstatic that sidestepping my business venture for two years will be totally fine. if i don't get in anywhere, i will be SO COMPLETELY DEVASTATED AND PROBABLY SLIP INTO INTENSE DEPRESSION, but i will have this business as my fall-back plan. and either way, the sun will still rise, the birds will sing, the rains will come, etc.
perspective returns, i take a breath, and i'm good to go again.
so how often do you get these funks? how long do they linger? (omg my longest was 11 months WHAT A SHIT YEAR THAT WAS) are you in one now? what do you do while you're in them? how do you think you snap out of them? what do you tend to ruminate over? IS THERE ANYTHING YOUR FLIST CAN DO FOR YOU? <3333