"The Enchanted Cottage" -- Part 18
Smoke.
Las Encantadas Estate, Erie, Pa., November 2006
Justin climbed out of the depths of sleep when he felt Brian thrashing around.
"Brian! W... wake up!" He shook him gently. "Brian!"
"What!" Brian bolted upright and looked around, dazed. "Fuck!"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm dandy," said Brian. "I need to piss."
Justin watched his lover get out of bed slowly, painfully. Brian was so strong and vital that it shook him to see that in many ways he was still injured. Justin had become attuned to Brian's moods and movement, so it was obvious when he was aching, even though he hid any hint of weakness zealously. But as the weather got colder, it seemed to affect Brian more, especially when he was getting up in the morning. Or in the middle of the night.
Justin heard the toilet flush and Brian padded back to the bed, his tall figure silhouetted against the window. Justin's heart raced when he looked at him.
"Get in," said Justin. "It's f... freezing!"
"I know," said Brian. "But I don't feel the cold. Theodore used to say it was because I was an alien, cold-blooded and cold-hearted, like a lizard."
"That's b... bullshit. I don't think you're cold-blooded or cold-hearted," Justin offered.
"Wait until you know me better." Brian eased himself back on the pillow. "Then you'll find out, like everyone else does."
"I already know you p... pretty well," said Justin.
"How so?"
"Who else has lived with you for over t... two months, 24/7? Slept with you every n... night? Eaten every m... meal with you? Worked next you? And lived to tell the t... tale?"
"No one," Brian conceded. "But that doesn't mean you know shit about me."
"Let's see," said Justin. "You l... love your son, but pretend you don't want to see him. You love your friends, but p... pretend you don't give a fuck about them. You pretend that you live for your job, but you secretly think everyone you work with and the c... clients you work for are jerks and douchebags. You claim to hate this c... cottage, but you cling to it because you f... feel safe here. And you call me a t... twat and Little Miss S... Sunshine and a b... babbling idiot, but I know for a fact that you are actually m... madly in love with me!"
"Now I know you're delusional," said Brian, reaching for the joint he had stashed in the bedside stand. "I don't recognize that person at all."
"You might if you looked in a mirror," Justin said quietly. "Instead of covering them."
Brian lit the joint, but didn't answer. He sucked in the sweet, bitter smoke, filling his head with the numbing sensation of the pot.
"What was the nightmare?" Justin asked.
"What nightmare?"
"I know you had one. You woke me up."
"I didn't have a nightmare," Brian insisted.
"I used to have them every single n... night, first in the hospital, then at home," said Justin. "I'd w... wake up screaming so loudly all the nurses would come running, thinking I was d... dying. Then at home my mother would come into my r... room, crying, trying to comfort me. I don't think either of us slept through the n... night for months."
"What were you having nightmares about?"
Justin shrugged. "The bashing. I g... guess. That's the th... thing. I can't remember the nightmares, any more than I can remember the attack. I used to hope that one night I'd remember the n... nightmare, and if I could remember it, then I'd remember the b... bashing. But I never did. I still haven't."
"Sorry about that."
"Nothing to be s... sorry about. It's just another blank in my life. Another empty space." Justin watched the smoke swirl around Brian's face. "Were you dreaming of... of the bombing?"
Brian winced. He always winced when someone said that word. He never said it himself. He didn't think he could say it. Not out loud anyway.
"No. I never dream about it. Not once. That's not my nightmare. Nothing connected to that night."
"Than what?" Justin pressed.
"It's everything else. I dream about the diner. My loft. Babylon and the backroom. Old tricks. Liberty Avenue. Old friends. My old life. A life that's gone forever. Fucking forever."
"G... gone?" Justin whispered.
"Gone. You can't bring back the past, except in dreams. Then it comes back so real, so vivid, like it's still there. Still within reach. That all you have to do is open your eyes and everything will be the way it was. Untouched." Brian squeezed his eyes shut. "Usually I'm sitting in the diner."
"What diner?"
"The one on Liberty Avenue. Michael's mother worked there. We used to meet in that place at least once a day, sometimes more. That's what I keep dreaming. In the back booth. Michael and Ben are pushed in next to me, jamming me against the wall and wrinkling my new Marc Jacobs shirt. Ted and Emmett are on the other side of the table. I'm eating a burger and fries with plenty of ketchup. Mikey has a BLT and he keeps stealing fries from my plate. The Professor is chewing on some kind of soy-veggie burger shit. I mean, fuck, Zen Ben! If you're going to eat greasy junk food, go all the way, right? Emmett orders something spicy -- he loved spicy food -- Thai chicken with peanut sauce. Ted has a tuna sandwich on white bread. He's complaining about some guy who ignored him. Or he's complaining about his job. Or about whatever. Theodore was always bitching about something. And Emmett is calling him out on it. That's what Emmett did -- call people on their shit. Even me."
Justin smiled. "I think I w... would have liked Emmett."
"Probably. You're both nosy nelly queens with great big balls of brass who aren't afraid of anything."
"Is that m... me?" said Justin. "A nelly queen w... with brass b... balls?"
"If the jockstrap fits." Brian took another toke. "Or else I'm at Babylon. I can't hear the song, just the beat. The beat fills up everything. It's like a giant heart. Mikey and the Professor are standing at the bar, looking at the dancers. Theodore is hitting on every twink who walks by and getting dissed by all of them. Emmett is dancing all by himself, one hand on his hip and the other in the air, like he's hailing a fucking cab! He looks totally ridiculous. And I'm watching. Waiting. That's when I see him. The Trick du Jour. He's tall and lean. Or he's short and muscular. He's blond with lots of teeth. Or dark and smoldering. It doesn't matter, really. He's only for the moment. Not even for the night. Just... another backroom blowjob. Another faceless fuck. But whoever he is, he's glad to have me. Because I'm the best fuck in town. Once you've been had by Brian Kinney, you can die happy."
"But he can only have you once," said Justin. He already knew that story.
"I'd occasionally go back for seconds, but only in a pinch. Because the world is full of beautiful guys. An infinite number in infinite variety. But... now." Brian shook his head.
"Now you have to... to make d... do with me." Justin felt a lump in his throat. "If you h... hadn't been... been hurt, you'd never have looked t... twice at me."
Brian dropped the joint into the ashtray next to the bed. "That's not true. I would have. I know I would."
"Don't lie," said Justin. "I know I'm j... just a convenience. I don't mind that, because I'll take what I can g... get. I c... can't afford to be... be..." Justin frowned, reaching for the word. "Choosy. I'm thankful for th... that."
"Bullshit!" Brian exclaimed. "That's not why you're here! If I didn't want you here, you'd be gone. Or I'd be gone. I don't have to stay here, you know. I could leave tomorrow. But I don't want to. Did you ever think about why I'm still in this fucking cottage? Michael and Lindsay can't believe I've lasted this long. Little do they know it's because..." he stopped and was very still.
"B... because?" Justin asked.
"Because of you." When he said those words it was as if a huge weight had been lifted. "That's the fucking truth. I... I care about you. I want you to be here, in this bed, with me. I still have those dreams, but when I wake up, you're here -- and then it isn't so horrible. I'm not alone. I can face it somehow. I can face what's gone. Because there's a present. I don't know if there's a future, but I actually have a present. I don't dread each day. I don't wish..." He put his arms around Justin and held him tightly. "I don't wake up every morning wishing I were dead."
"But you're alive!" said Justin. "We're both alive! I love you, and that's something worth living for. At least it is to me. Maybe you don't l... love me, but you care! That's enough. That you care!"
Brian swallowed. He put his forehead against Justin's, pressing his head firmly, as if they were joined together. "I do," he said. "I think I do."
Justin held his breath. "Do what?"
"Love you," said Brian. "I love you."
***
Las Encantadas Estate, Erie, Pa., November 2006
Justin climbed out of the depths of sleep when he felt Brian thrashing around.
"Brian! W... wake up!" He shook him gently. "Brian!"
"What!" Brian bolted upright and looked around, dazed. "Fuck!"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm dandy," said Brian. "I need to piss."
Justin watched his lover get out of bed slowly, painfully. Brian was so strong and vital that it shook him to see that in many ways he was still injured. Justin had become attuned to Brian's moods and movement, so it was obvious when he was aching, even though he hid any hint of weakness zealously. But as the weather got colder, it seemed to affect Brian more, especially when he was getting up in the morning. Or in the middle of the night.
Justin heard the toilet flush and Brian padded back to the bed, his tall figure silhouetted against the window. Justin's heart raced when he looked at him.
"Get in," said Justin. "It's f... freezing!"
"I know," said Brian. "But I don't feel the cold. Theodore used to say it was because I was an alien, cold-blooded and cold-hearted, like a lizard."
"That's b... bullshit. I don't think you're cold-blooded or cold-hearted," Justin offered.
"Wait until you know me better." Brian eased himself back on the pillow. "Then you'll find out, like everyone else does."
"I already know you p... pretty well," said Justin.
"How so?"
"Who else has lived with you for over t... two months, 24/7? Slept with you every n... night? Eaten every m... meal with you? Worked next you? And lived to tell the t... tale?"
"No one," Brian conceded. "But that doesn't mean you know shit about me."
"Let's see," said Justin. "You l... love your son, but pretend you don't want to see him. You love your friends, but p... pretend you don't give a fuck about them. You pretend that you live for your job, but you secretly think everyone you work with and the c... clients you work for are jerks and douchebags. You claim to hate this c... cottage, but you cling to it because you f... feel safe here. And you call me a t... twat and Little Miss S... Sunshine and a b... babbling idiot, but I know for a fact that you are actually m... madly in love with me!"
"Now I know you're delusional," said Brian, reaching for the joint he had stashed in the bedside stand. "I don't recognize that person at all."
"You might if you looked in a mirror," Justin said quietly. "Instead of covering them."
Brian lit the joint, but didn't answer. He sucked in the sweet, bitter smoke, filling his head with the numbing sensation of the pot.
"What was the nightmare?" Justin asked.
"What nightmare?"
"I know you had one. You woke me up."
"I didn't have a nightmare," Brian insisted.
"I used to have them every single n... night, first in the hospital, then at home," said Justin. "I'd w... wake up screaming so loudly all the nurses would come running, thinking I was d... dying. Then at home my mother would come into my r... room, crying, trying to comfort me. I don't think either of us slept through the n... night for months."
"What were you having nightmares about?"
Justin shrugged. "The bashing. I g... guess. That's the th... thing. I can't remember the nightmares, any more than I can remember the attack. I used to hope that one night I'd remember the n... nightmare, and if I could remember it, then I'd remember the b... bashing. But I never did. I still haven't."
"Sorry about that."
"Nothing to be s... sorry about. It's just another blank in my life. Another empty space." Justin watched the smoke swirl around Brian's face. "Were you dreaming of... of the bombing?"
Brian winced. He always winced when someone said that word. He never said it himself. He didn't think he could say it. Not out loud anyway.
"No. I never dream about it. Not once. That's not my nightmare. Nothing connected to that night."
"Than what?" Justin pressed.
"It's everything else. I dream about the diner. My loft. Babylon and the backroom. Old tricks. Liberty Avenue. Old friends. My old life. A life that's gone forever. Fucking forever."
"G... gone?" Justin whispered.
"Gone. You can't bring back the past, except in dreams. Then it comes back so real, so vivid, like it's still there. Still within reach. That all you have to do is open your eyes and everything will be the way it was. Untouched." Brian squeezed his eyes shut. "Usually I'm sitting in the diner."
"What diner?"
"The one on Liberty Avenue. Michael's mother worked there. We used to meet in that place at least once a day, sometimes more. That's what I keep dreaming. In the back booth. Michael and Ben are pushed in next to me, jamming me against the wall and wrinkling my new Marc Jacobs shirt. Ted and Emmett are on the other side of the table. I'm eating a burger and fries with plenty of ketchup. Mikey has a BLT and he keeps stealing fries from my plate. The Professor is chewing on some kind of soy-veggie burger shit. I mean, fuck, Zen Ben! If you're going to eat greasy junk food, go all the way, right? Emmett orders something spicy -- he loved spicy food -- Thai chicken with peanut sauce. Ted has a tuna sandwich on white bread. He's complaining about some guy who ignored him. Or he's complaining about his job. Or about whatever. Theodore was always bitching about something. And Emmett is calling him out on it. That's what Emmett did -- call people on their shit. Even me."
Justin smiled. "I think I w... would have liked Emmett."
"Probably. You're both nosy nelly queens with great big balls of brass who aren't afraid of anything."
"Is that m... me?" said Justin. "A nelly queen w... with brass b... balls?"
"If the jockstrap fits." Brian took another toke. "Or else I'm at Babylon. I can't hear the song, just the beat. The beat fills up everything. It's like a giant heart. Mikey and the Professor are standing at the bar, looking at the dancers. Theodore is hitting on every twink who walks by and getting dissed by all of them. Emmett is dancing all by himself, one hand on his hip and the other in the air, like he's hailing a fucking cab! He looks totally ridiculous. And I'm watching. Waiting. That's when I see him. The Trick du Jour. He's tall and lean. Or he's short and muscular. He's blond with lots of teeth. Or dark and smoldering. It doesn't matter, really. He's only for the moment. Not even for the night. Just... another backroom blowjob. Another faceless fuck. But whoever he is, he's glad to have me. Because I'm the best fuck in town. Once you've been had by Brian Kinney, you can die happy."
"But he can only have you once," said Justin. He already knew that story.
"I'd occasionally go back for seconds, but only in a pinch. Because the world is full of beautiful guys. An infinite number in infinite variety. But... now." Brian shook his head.
"Now you have to... to make d... do with me." Justin felt a lump in his throat. "If you h... hadn't been... been hurt, you'd never have looked t... twice at me."
Brian dropped the joint into the ashtray next to the bed. "That's not true. I would have. I know I would."
"Don't lie," said Justin. "I know I'm j... just a convenience. I don't mind that, because I'll take what I can g... get. I c... can't afford to be... be..." Justin frowned, reaching for the word. "Choosy. I'm thankful for th... that."
"Bullshit!" Brian exclaimed. "That's not why you're here! If I didn't want you here, you'd be gone. Or I'd be gone. I don't have to stay here, you know. I could leave tomorrow. But I don't want to. Did you ever think about why I'm still in this fucking cottage? Michael and Lindsay can't believe I've lasted this long. Little do they know it's because..." he stopped and was very still.
"B... because?" Justin asked.
"Because of you." When he said those words it was as if a huge weight had been lifted. "That's the fucking truth. I... I care about you. I want you to be here, in this bed, with me. I still have those dreams, but when I wake up, you're here -- and then it isn't so horrible. I'm not alone. I can face it somehow. I can face what's gone. Because there's a present. I don't know if there's a future, but I actually have a present. I don't dread each day. I don't wish..." He put his arms around Justin and held him tightly. "I don't wake up every morning wishing I were dead."
"But you're alive!" said Justin. "We're both alive! I love you, and that's something worth living for. At least it is to me. Maybe you don't l... love me, but you care! That's enough. That you care!"
Brian swallowed. He put his forehead against Justin's, pressing his head firmly, as if they were joined together. "I do," he said. "I think I do."
Justin held his breath. "Do what?"
"Love you," said Brian. "I love you."
***