Comments | femmequixotic: in the thin spaces...

femmequixotic

in the thin spaces...

Mar 23, 2012 11:14

So, it's been over three weeks since I've updated. I was considering making it an even month, but that just seemed ridiculous. I've spent the time doing Ascendio planning, spending time with the kittens, redesigning my journal, not writing, and struggling with depression, woe.

( Cut for navel gazing and teal deer rambling about mental health, liminality, the lack of creativity, and a faint wisp of religion )

writing, religion, rl

Comments 69

themostepotente March 23 2012, 15:36:50 UTC

LUBB *hugs the stuffin' out of you*

femmequixotic March 26 2012, 13:43:42 UTC

*hugs you hard* You're the best, Penny ma Penny. <3 <3 <3

jjtaylor March 23 2012, 15:38:01 UTC

I love you. Just so you know.

femmequixotic March 26 2012, 13:44:24 UTC

Right back at you, dear. *adores you* You, Noe and I ought to do some talking about a certain threesome, BTW. :D

bryoneybrynn March 23 2012, 15:47:49 UTC

Ah darling. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this right now. I know what you mean about that functional depression. I clearly remember days where I was walking down the street, feeling sunshine on my face, smiling and humming to myself and feeling happy but with the full awareness that it was a thin vaneer and that right below it was this incredible gulf of sadness, just vast, vast, vast and that it was my true experience, despite the superficial enjoyment of the day. It's just such a bleak place to be. And of course, these days I'm pretty committed to NOT THINKING about anything until I can get back on my meds. Not thinking the thoughts that are there and clamouring gets exhausting. Depression sucks hard ( ... )

sesheta_66 March 23 2012, 16:21:05 UTC

I was thinking the same thing as Bry regarding school. When I was studying, my creative juices just didn't flow. They didn't entirely dry up, I suppose, but my writing took the form of formal essays, reports, research/analysis/presentations instead. And the sheer volume of reading and writing that you're currently doing is enough to knock anyone on their ass. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

Ah, yes. Functional depression. It took a VERY long time for anyone to notice that something was off when I was depressed. As a single mom, I had to do All The Things as always, put on a happy face and brave front. I ended up so disconnected I sat at a dinner table with friends, watching from above - I swear I was completely removed from my own body, watching the scene as though it were someone else's dream I had peeked in on. Surreal and scary as hell.

*squishes you* We're always here, even if you don't peek in too often. ♥

*squishes Bry too*

taradiane March 24 2012, 22:44:03 UTC

Yeah, I can echo all of that regarding school. I find it very difficult to write creatively during the term because I'm so distracted by all the other shit I have to write on a deadline. :/

femmequixotic March 26 2012, 13:51:15 UTC

Dear school, you are harshing my squee, dammit.

:D

Thread 6

ex_logospil March 23 2012, 15:51:01 UTC

*very tender robed embrace*

femmequixotic March 26 2012, 13:51:30 UTC

Thank you, dear. *hugs you back*

bk7brokemybrain March 23 2012, 16:07:03 UTC

Oh, man.... thank you for writing this. It must have been difficult, but you've already made a difference with your words ( ... )

femmequixotic March 26 2012, 13:58:48 UTC

*snugs* Functional depression sucks. It took me a long, long time to realize what it was--I was lucky to have a fantastic therapist, wow, almost 10 years ago now, who helped me realize that even though I seemed okay on the outside to everyone else, I was really suffering from a deep depression. Just having someone else notice, having her tell me it was okay helped so much. Every time I go through a bout of depression now, I try to remember her words and to give myself space for the sadness, you know? Otherwise I'll just tell myself I'm fine, and then sink deeper into it.

It's been really disconcerting to feel so adrift from fandom. I think part of that's been my being so sad that I haven't been able to fight to get it back. I'm hoping that maybe I'm at a place now where I can start trying to grab Draco again, start trying to hold on to the joy I've always found here....

bk7brokemybrain March 26 2012, 21:12:53 UTC

Thank you for those links. I read the Wiki about limnality, and the article about the Thin Places. Limnality is something I thought about and didn't have a word for, so that's nice to label it. And I think people like you and I, artistic or chronically unsettled people, actually live in the thin places all the time. I think I felt normal for about five minutes when I was 24, felt secure and comfortable, like i had my bills covered and could see a future, like I had walked into a Thick Place for a bit. Then I was back in the void, my normal. Maybe that's a thing for you to consider. The people who are awake all the time don't see thin places because we are inside them, mentally.
Man, that would make a great theme for a story.