Sawdust and Ashes, Chapter 4a
Title: Sawdust and Ashes, Chapter 4
Notes: Holy what in the what, this stupid installment was too long for one LiveJournal post, so I split it - rather unevenly - into two. If you make it all the way through to the end, wow. And thank you for your determination.
Also: I don't have an editor, which I think has to be more than a little obvious. I just want to take this opportunity to offer my sincerest apologies for the errors I know are there.
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Lorelai hated the hospital chairs. As welcome a comfort as it would have been to spend the morning waiting hours holding Luke, it was an impractical position to maintain. Her back ached and the armrests of both of their chairs were digging into her side just under her ribs. She didn’t mind much, but when she shifted to try to find a more comfortable angle, Luke lifted his head and pulled away so her arms were still around his shoulders but their bodies weren’t touching. His mouth was right next to her ear and his breath warmed the base of her jaw.
“Sorry, are you -” he started, his voice low and loud in her ear.
“Oh, fine, no, really, I - ” she tried to protest, but she loosened her grip and leaned back to look at him. He quickly put a hand to his red eyes, sniffling and breathing deeply. Lorelai sat back, stiffly but reluctantly, leaving one arm much more in his space than her own. Luke leaned into her touch, palms pressed over his eyes. His jaw and throat worked spasmodically and she used two fingers to gently rub his neck.
Eventually, he straightened in his seat again, folding his arms over his chest. She pulled her hand away from his skin but left her arm resting on the back of his chair. They seemed to have run out of anything to say, and Lorelai ran through an ever-growing mental list of things she had to take care of - for herself and for Luke - when she got a chance. The next time he left the room, she would start making phone calls. She felt guilty leaving him to take care of business, and whenever he left, she nearly drove herself crazy with boredom, anxiety, and trying not to think about what had happened to Jess. She hoped her cell phone had enough life in it to get her through the necessities.
Luke wasn’t forthcoming with details - she doubted he had enough of his bearings to know them all himself - so she had no idea what was going on with Jess or his mom or the hospital, and there was no way she was going to ask. As time went on and they heard nothing, Lorelai could only guess that Jess was undergoing what Luke had earlier, euphemistically, called a “thorough examination.”
A doctor came in - the same one from earlier, Lorelai thought - and Luke left with him. She thought she heard something about “discharge” or “paperwork,” which, if true, was a blessing. In the meantime, she needed to make more phone calls, stupid fiddly distractions that needed to be handled and that she could handle.
Lorelai checked the time on her phone - a little before 7:00 a.m. She snorted. She felt like she’d aged years in the last several hours, and wouldn’t have been too surprised if she discovered the hospital’s waiting room existed in a time vortex that kept her and Luke agonizing through months while an hour passed to the outside world. That was the way all waiting rooms felt, though.
Rory was first on the list of necessary phone calls. She answered the phone sounding anxious and tired and Lorelai’s heart twisted with sympathy. While it wasn’t any sort of peach to actually know the details of the situation, having concrete information was probably better than sitting up alone in an empty house all morning only with vague details and a well-educated imagination to fill in the gaps.
Lorelai couldn’t clarify much more, though she was glad to be able to have an actual medical problem to relate. “Concussion,” while insignificant in light of everything that happened, was one true thing she could tell her daughter.
“Concussion,” Rory repeated, concerned, and Lorelai knew that as soon as she hung up, Rory would research the condition and then have a million questions to ask and probably know more about Jess’ symptoms than Lorelai did. “What happened? You didn’t really say earlier.”
“Oh,” she paused, mentally kicking herself for not coming up with a story that would sound at least remotely plausible to Rory. “I’m not totally sure, actually. Some, you know, guy broke in and Jess was there and I guess there was a scuffle and Jess got hurt.” She winced. She was a terrible liar, at least with Rory. With Emily and Richard, on the other hand, she was fantastically accomplished, or she used to be.
Rory was quiet for a while. “Mom,” she said softly.
“Honey, I really don’t have all the details. The important thing is that everyone’s … will be OK. They will be. Luke is OK, Jess will be. He will.” Her stomach churned at the words.
“So it’s not bad?”
“What?”
“The concussion. It’s not bad?”
“Ah… nope, not too bad, as far as head injuries go, I guess,” Lorelai said, summoning a falsely casual tone that echoed tinnily in her ears.
“He didn’t lose consciousness, then?” Lorelai frowned. Was Rory looking it up while she was on the phone, or did she already know this for some reason?
“No, he didn’t. I can pretty definitely say he didn’t.” She wasn’t sure, though. She was only guessing that Jess had been conscious while they waited for the police to arrive. He hadn’t moved, apart from trembling, and she hadn’t been able to see his face. Her breathing turned shallow as she thought of it and she squeezed her eyes shut at the memory. She’d been bewildered, knowing nothing of the situation except that Jess was hurt in a way that made him cling to her and Luke was holding down his attacker and all she could do was frantically put the information together to come up with terrible scenarios, the most nightmarish of which had been true. She opened her eyes again when she heard Rory speaking.
“Oh, well, that’s good.” Rory seemed relieved and Lorelai was glad. She couldn’t fake even a semblance of normality at the moment, and all she could hope for was that Rory wouldn’t pick up on the truth.
Lorelai breathed deeply, fighting back tears again. It seemed like all she’d done for the last several hours was cry or want to cry. “Are you going to school today, babe?”
“Oh,” Rory said in a small voice. Lorelai had thought about this a lot while she was waiting. It had been a great internal debate and if it had been any other situation she would have given her warring urges silly voices and nicknames and told amusing anecdotes about their argument. A large part of her wanted to keep Rory at home so her daughter would be there so whenever Lorelai got back, she could take her in her arms and hold her until morning. A greater part, though, knew that Rory would drive herself crazy with worry if she didn’t have something to do. Apart from which, Lorelai would feel much better if Rory were safe at Chilton instead of alone at home, undefended.
“There’s no real reason for me to miss it, right?”
Lorelai shut her eyes again, screwing up her face and gritting her teeth in preparation for the lie. “No, sweetie, everyone’s fine.”
Rory hesitated. “You’re sure?”
Lorelai sighed into the phone. “If you really want, I can call the school, say there’s a family emergency.” Family emergency, she thought, the words echoing in her head. Family.
“No, that’s all right,” Rory mumbled. “I have a test this afternoon anyway.”
Her heart skipped a little in relief. “OK. Take my car.”
“OK. See you when I get home?”
“Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.” She hoped so, anyway.
“All right.” Lorelai just listened to her breathe, not wanting to cut the connection. “Mom?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“I love you.”
Lorelai had to bite her lip. Fuck it, she was tearing up again. “I love you, too. Everything’s fine, though. Don’t worry.”
“Yeah. Bye.”
“Bye.”
Lorelai sniffed sloppily, rubbing her nose with the back of her hand. She stomped her foot in frustration. She wanted to be home and she hated herself for wanting to be home. And she was so goddamn grateful that Rory was safe she was almost sick with it. She told herself that the gratitude was not a bad thing, it was not the sort of situation where she was glad that it was Jess instead of Rory, it wasn’t, and she shouldn’t even think that, because all she was happy for was that her daughter was well, even though she had never logically been in danger of being hurt. But the relief still felt like a stain on her heart, a dirty thing that mocked everything Luke and Jess had been through.
She sniffed again and shook her head. She wouldn’t even think about it. She wouldn’t wallow in guilt and self-recrimination when she could be productive in ways that might help Luke. Lorelai pinched the bridge of her nose and fought back her rising emotions. Later, she would have to set aside time to have a massive breakdown, just cry into her pillow until her eyes stuck shut and her lungs were raw.
She took time to collect herself before making the rest of her calls. She called the inn to tell them she was taking a personal day and the phrase family emergency ran through her mind again, niggling at her conscious, though she couldn’t pin down exactly why. When she hung up from her last call, she checked the battery level, noting there was probably only just enough life left for another call or two if there was an emergency.
“God bless this phone,” Lorelai whispered, kissing the keypad.
“Hey, Lorelai.” She turned quickly to see Luke standing behind her, looking hesitant. She hadn’t even heard him approach.
Lorelai stuffed her phone back in her coat pocket. “Oh, hey. Hey, what’s the news?” He was pretty inscrutable most of the time, but she was having a hell of a time reading his emotions today.
“Discharged,” he said, pointing over his shoulder at, Lorelai guessed, Jess’ room.
“That’s good! So his concussion’s not bad? How is he?”
He shrugged. “His head’s not as bad as they thought it was, apparently, and he’s… giving a statement to the police.” Luke looked relieved, and, frankly, Lorelai was surprised. Jess didn’t seem like the type who would willingly talk to the police about anything, even if he wasn’t the one in trouble.
“Good, also good.”
“Yeah, so while he’s doing that, they’re trying to find him clothes. Part of doing,” Luke paused and harrumphed and shuffled his feet, “the thing is they’ll give him new stuff to wear so he doesn’t have to put on the clothes he was wearing, which is good. I didn’t think about that, so it’s great they do that.” He looked at her and then at the wall. Lorelai noticed that he would never meet her eyes when he was talking about anything even peripherally involved with the rape. “The thing is, they don’t really have a lot of guy’s clothes on hand, so they’re having to search around a little.”
She felt a pang for Jess and bit her lip. “OK. Hopefully that doesn’t take too long. I’ve gotta tell you, I hate this place.” She laughed ruefully and he cracked the barest smile.
“Yeah,” he agreed. He rubbed his hands together and shuffled and Lorelai dipped her head to try to catch his eye. He obviously wanted to say something else. Luke glanced at her and she raised her eyebrows. He stepped closer and lowered his voice, saying urgently, “Lorelai, I just thought about this, but we can’t go back to the apartment. Where are we supposed to go? God damn it, I can’t believe I’m so stupid. There’s no way we’re going back there, no way I’m taking him back to that place.” He gestured sharply with his arms. “We’re going to have to move.”
She put a hand on his shoulder. “Luke, it’s all right. I actually just booked you guys a room at the Independence. If you don’t mind.”
He stopped moving completely, looking at her with an intensity that made her self-conscious. “Lorelai.”
“I hope that’s OK,” she continued as though he hadn’t said anything. “And you can stay there indefinitely. Well, maybe not until, like, May, because that’s when we start getting busy with weddings and we’ll probably need that room for people reserving blocks, although, really, I suppose we could just reserve around that room, so, yeah, you can stay indefinitely.” She kind of chuckled and smiled tightly.
Luke briefly covered his eyes with his hand and breathed in sharply. “Thank you, Lorelai. I had no - I hadn’t even thought about it and… ” he trailed off, shaking his head.
“Yeah,” she murmured. “And I called Ceasar -”Luke looked up sharply “I called 411, didn’t know his last name, but it turns out that if you start to cry, the operator will help you track down the only Ceasar in Stars Hollow. And I - didn’t really know what to do there, so I just told him the diner wouldn’t be open today and that you’d be in touch with him.” She lifted one shoulder helplessly. “I’m sorry if I overstepped or anything, I just. You have a lot more important things to worry about and I thought if I could take anything off your plate, I would. I should have mentioned it before I made the calls, I know, but it all just seemed so insignificant in light of -”
“Lorelai,” he cut her off, putting his hands on her shoulders. He seemed overwhelmed, but not angry. Luke looked in her eyes, searching, and Lorelai could feel her palms tingling. Something about the way he was looking at her made her want to turn away, but she couldn’t.
“Mr. Danes?” They both startled and Luke turned around, stuffing his hands in his pockets. A nurse waved at them and gestured for Luke to follow her. He turned back to Lorelai ruefully.
“It’s OK, go,” she said.
“Thank you,” he whispered before following the nurse out of the room.
Lorelai punched the wall lightly. Without any calls to make, she was left to shift anxiously from foot to foot. The coffee here was absolutely terrible, but it was cheap and caffeinated and she had very little money on her. Four cups on an otherwise empty stomach left her unsettled and a little nauseated, although that could have easily been a product of the evening’s events, or some combination of all of it. She was tired well beyond her second wind to the point of having a constant, vicious headache and the world buzzed around her too quickly for her perception to follow accurately. She felt old in her joints, a dull thrum that settled in her hips and extended up to the base of her spine and down to the top of her thighs.
She laced her fingers together at the back of her head and stretched. She couldn’t quite piece everything together - what had happened the day before. The day before. Not even 24 hours ago, nothing at all was wrong. Then Jess skipped out on his shift at the diner, and it was a pretty weird coincidence that it happened on the day his former stepfather came to Stars Hollow if the events were unrelated. She couldn’t figure out how they might be related, and she didn’t know what was going on with Luke and Jess or Jess and his mom or Luke and Jess’ mom. Luke’s phone call to Liz had been especially strange. It didn’t matter, she supposed, and she knew as much as she needed to. And Ted, whoever the fuck he was, was in police custody, and Jess had given the police a statement, and, unless she was completely wrong about the situation, Jess had consented to a rape kit. So, really, Ted wouldn’t be a worry anymore. Logically.
Lorelai walked fidgety turns around the room, flipping open magazines and closing them again in irritation. She was just about to hunt down a nurse and bully them into telling her what was going on with Luke and Jess when they came around the corner. She was so relieved to see them she almost put her arms over her head and cheered. Instead, she jogged over to them, ignoring Jess’ bruises and focusing instead on how much better he looked than he had in the hospital room, and especially how much better than he looked in the apartment.
She knew instinctively she wasn’t going to get away with hugging Jess after this, and she took the opportunity to put her arms around his shoulders and squeeze. His arms lifted slightly - she couldn’t tell if it was an aborted attempt to reciprocate or push her away, but he allowed it.
Lorelai stepped back and put a hand to his face, but pulled it back quickly, recalling herself. Jess scratched his neck uncomfortably and looked at the floor and Luke’s expression was caught somewhere between amusement and confusion. The staff, it seemed, hadn’t found clothes that fit Jess, because he was wearing scrub pants and a plain t-shirt that came down to the middle of his thigh. Topped off with his jacket, the whole ensemble looked ridiculous, and Lorelai wished she could tease him about it as a way of expressing how stupidly happy she was to see him up and walking and healthy enough to be discharged. But she wasn’t on those kinds of terms with Jess, and anyway she felt like trying to be funny would be pretty inappropriate.
They all piled in the cab of Luke’s truck, and there was a tense moment when Jess paused before getting in, his foot on the step and his head bowed. Lorelai worried she or Luke would have to help him up and she wondered if it would be better, for the sake of his pride, to pretend like she didn’t see his weakness and just let him struggle. She didn’t have to make the decision, though, because Jess pulled himself in, his movements only stiff to her eyes because she was on the alert for anything that might be off.
She climbed in after him, and the three of them sat elbow-to-elbow in the front seat, not speaking or meeting each other’s eyes. Jess feigned sleep early on, tilting his head back at what must have been an uncomfortable angle. After a while, Lorelai realized he actually had drifted off. His breathing was soft and shallow and he gradually shifted closer to her, leaning so his shoulder dug into hers. She watched his sleeping face closely, studying him in full light for the first time since he’d been attacked. He was pale, but he looked better than he had in the hospital room. The little bruises on his cheek and jaw still made her feel sick to her stomach, though. When she first noticed them, she’d wanted to hurt something, tear it apart. She felt a curious desire to put an arm around him, to support him, but she held back.
Lorelai gave Jess a tiny nudge with her elbow when they reached the inn and he was instantly awake, sitting upright and blinking quickly. She kept her back to the truck after she got out, so she never saw if Jess had trouble stepping down.
Lorelai took them through a service entrance she hadn’t used in a long time. She didn’t want to draw the attention of staff or guests, largely for the purpose of discretion and to afford Luke and Jess some privacy, but she was grateful to be out of view, too. She had no desire to explain what she was doing there if she was taking a personal day, or to speak at all. And she was a mess. She was unshowered, her shirt wrinkled and bloody, and she hadn’t put on a bra when she decided to help Luke with his search. At the time, it had seemed like too much effort and insignificant if she was wearing a coat, but she became acutely aware of the lack of it at the hospital, and since then she couldn’t help feeling exposed and uncomfortable. She zipped up her coat and tugged self-consciously at the bottom.
She ducked her head and scratched her temple as she passed one of the maids. She just didn’t want to talk. And she looked like a scraggly, unkempt disaster in the inn she ran. She hadn’t felt so out of place in these walls since the first time she found herself at the door, frightened, desperate, and probably just as much of a mess.
They reached the main hallway just off the lobby and Lorelai glanced around. There wasn’t a lot of activity yet, but there wasn’t any reason to open them up to unnecessary attention. “Wait here a second,” she muttered, and while neither of them said anything, they pulled back into the corner in an identical nervous shuffle. She kept her eyes to the ground as she walked behind the main desk, simply ignoring Michel and grabbing the key to Luke and Jess’ room.
She motioned with her finger for them to follow her and they fell into step behind her. None of them spoke, and it was starting to make Lorelai edgy. She was extremely grateful to finally reach their door, which she unlocked for them, and then handed the key to Luke.
“Thanks,” he said gruffly, rubbing the tip of his nose.
She nodded and touched his arm. “You know,” she said gravely, “it’s no problem at all. If you need anything, you let me know.”
“Yeah, of course,” he replied absently.
“Hey, Luke. I mean it.” He met her eyes briefly and nodded. She turned to Jess. “You hold him to that.” Jess blinked at her, apparently surprised at being addressed at all. He said nothing.
“OK,” she said after a moment of heavy silence. “I will see you guys… later.”
Luke and Jess shuffled into their room and Lorelai sighed deeply. She’d been holding off feeling her exhaustion as long as possible and it now it was pounding on the inside of her skull. She crossed her arms over her chest and trudged to the kitchen. Sookie had agreed to give her a ride home, and nothing had ever sounded so appealing in her life as being inside her own house. Didn’t matter what she was doing, even just sitting at the kitchen table and staring at a wall, she wanted her home.
Sookie fidgeted and made a soft fuss over her, which was, in a way, soothing. On the ride to Lorelai’s, she avoided talking about what had happened, which Lorelai had been vague about on the phone. Lorelai could tell she was practically twitching with the desire for details, but she appreciated Sookie’s restraint. Mostly, she chattered about the morning’s small excitements and catastrophes and glanced over at Lorelai enough to worry her a little about how much attention Sookie was paying to the road.
Sookie came inside with her, and, having run out of things to say, followed Lorelai quietly into her kitchen. Lorelai sat down heavily and made a move to unzip her coat but remembered the blood on her shirt and paused with her hand on her collar. She looked up at Sookie, who didn’t seem to notice that she’d stopped herself, and was just watching her with concern.
“I’m all right,” Lorelai said finally. “I’m tired and stressed out, but I’m fine.”
“OK,” said Sookie, a little dubiously. The corner of her mouth turned up. “You look awful, though.”
Lorelai snorted and flipped her ponytail. “What are you saying? Sleepless, unclean and no makeup doesn’t work for me?”
Sookie stepped closer and put a hand on her shoulder. “Oh, sweetie.” Her voice was very soft. “So, a break-in, huh. That’s terrible.”
Lorelai sighed. “We’ve got to control the flow of information,” she said, pressing her hands to her temples. “The story is that someone broke into the diner, nothing was stolen, Jess got hurt.” She dragged her fingers over her cheekbones and pushed her fingertips into the corners of her eyes. “But he’ll be fine.” Her face got warm every time she said that.
“All right,” said Sookie, rubbing Lorelai’s shoulder. “I’ll let the right people know.” After a moment of quiet, in which Lorelai focused only on the comforting feel of Sookie’s hand, Sookie asked, “So what really happened?”
Lorelai looked up, feeling cold all over. “What do you mean?”
“You said ‘the story is.’ So what’s the truth?” She was wide-eyed, more concerned than curious. “What happened?”
Lorelai blinked rapidly. Shit, that was a big mistake. “That is the truth. It’s the story and it’s the truth.” She smiled thinly, unconvincingly.
Sookie’s brow furrowed. Lorelai was lying to everyone today. Badly. “OK,” she said slowly. “If you can’t tell me, you could say so. I won’t be mad.”
She shook her head. “No, that’s the truth. That’s what happened. Some strange, crazy guy broke into the diner and no one knows why yet. But everyone will be fine.” Sookie’s disbelief was evident, and, to top it off, she looked hurt. Lorelai put a hand over Sookie’s and squeezed. “I swear, honey. I’m just so screwed up right now. I haven’t gotten any sleep and, you know, an actual violent crime taking place in Stars Hollow? I’m pretty sure it violates the laws of the universe. I still can’t make any sense of it.”
Sookie laughed a tiny, forced laugh, but her expression cleared a little. “Yeah. I can bet Taylor will be launching a full investigation.” Lorelai’s stomach dropped and her fingers involuntarily tightened around Sookie’s. “What’s wrong?”
“I hadn’t thought about that,” Lorelai breathed. She thought she’d been so on top of everything, but it was possible that Taylor was a force she couldn’t stop. “Luke and Jess have been through a lot already. The last thing they need is Taylor getting involved.” He was probably already trying to contact the police about it, probably had been since he found out there had been emergency vehicles on the town’s main street.
Sookie pulled up a chair and sat next to Lorelai. “Do you want me to stay? Can I get you anything?” Lorelai shook her head. She was grateful to Sookie, more than she could say, but she wanted to be alone to sort through her thoughts. And to break down if she needed to. She felt on the verge of buckling all the time. Sookie stroked her hair. “I could make you lunch.”
Lorelai smiled briefly. “Oh, thank you, Sookie, but no. You’ve done so much for me - you gave me a ride home, and you left your lunch staff unattended to do it. And you gave me a muffin! I couldn’t ask you for anything else, and I couldn’t take anything else, either. I’m just going to crawl into bed and sleep. Forever.” Or sit in the middle of the room and cry in her bathrobe, which sounded equally appealing.
Sookie was clearly unconvinced. “OK,” she said anyway, picking up her purse and her keys. “But you make sure you call me if you need anything.” Lorelai nodded, knowing she wouldn’t, and she realized she’d said the same thing to Luke. Her heart dropped in her chest thinking that he might have been just as dismissive with her offer of help.
After Sookie left, Lorelai set about trying to find a semblance of normalcy. It took a lot of effort to pull herself up from the kitchen table and into her bedroom, and then even greater restraint not to fall face-first on the bed and curl up in the covers fully clothed. First, she needed a shower. She felt filthy and she kept getting the unpleasant sensation that her clothes were sticking to her in places. Lorelai shed her clothes as she walked to the bathroom, leaving them on the floor where they fell.
She made the water in the shower as hot as she could and still bear to stand under the stream, and even so, her skin turned an angry red as soon it touched her skin. She used her fingernails and her fanciest soap to scrub off the grime. When she was finally done, she felt as though she’d scraped off several layers of skin.
Lorelai walked downstairs slowly, her movements heavy and aching. She drew the blinds and sat in the corner of the couch, burrowing herself into the cushion and leaning her head against the back. She didn’t plan on sleeping, not when there were still things to do. She had to come up with a course of action against Taylor. As soon as she thought of him, her headache was back with full force, beating an irritating throb at the base of her skull. Lorelai covered her face with her hand and was a little surprised to find that her eyes were wet again.
She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until Rory woke her with a gentle touch to her shoulder.
“Mom?”
Lorelai’s head snapped up, a move she regretted at once as the pain from her cramped neck rippled down her spine. “Ah, God,” she whined, rubbing her neck. “Oh! Rory!” She shot up from the couch and threw her arms around her daughter, almost toppling them both to the ground.
“Oof,” Rory grunted, hugging Lorelai in return.
Lorelai’s emotions were coming to a head and bursting through her body to the soles of her feet and she practically hopped up and down. “Hey, honey,” she said casually.
“Hi, Mom,” Rory replied, her voice muffled.
“How are you? You just get home?” The last question was stupid because Lorelai was hugging around Rory’s backpack, but she didn’t care. She had to talk or she would cry.
“I’m fine,” Rory said, adjusting her head so her mouth cleared Lorelai’s shoulder. “And yeah.” Lorelai rocked them back and forth softly and Rory chuckled. “Are you OK?”
“Yes,” she breathed. “No. I’m not, not at all. This has been a very terrible day.” She didn’t let go and Rory didn’t say anything, for which she was grateful. She was sure she wouldn’t be able to pull away.
“How are they?”
Lorelai shut her eyes. She hated lying. She hated it. “They’re OK. They’re at the inn for now because they - understandably - don’t want to go back to the diner so soon after the break-in.” She was glad Rory couldn’t see her face.
“There’s more, though,” Rory said against Lorelai’s neck. “There’s more you aren’t telling me.”
“Yes,” she said, before she could even think to say “no.” She pulled back to look at her daughter’s face, cupping her jaw in both hands. Those big, sad blue eyes ought to be illegal. “There’s a lot I don’t even know, though, and I don’t want to speculate about anything and give anyone the wrong information. If we ever do get the whole story, it’ll be from Luke and Jess, but that might never happen. In the meantime, we just have to be supportive.” Not a complete lie. There were a lot of holes in Lorelai’s version of events, and so much she didn’t know how to answer. It was easier this way, anyway. Rory knew her well enough to know that she was holding something back and trying to deny it would just be hurtful to them both and ultimately pointless.
Rory didn’t say anything for a long time. “OK,” she conceded at last. “As long as you promise me they’re fine.”
“They’re fine,” Lorelai said automatically, and her stomach dropped. She rubbed Rory’s shoulders reassuringly.
Rory looked like she was going to press for more information - damn the investigative journalist in her - when the phone rang. Rory’s head turned and she made a move for it, but Lorelai cut across her.
“No, no, I’ve got it,” she said, practically diving for the phone. She didn’t really know who she thought it might be, but she wanted to be the one to intercept any bad news.
“Hello?” she said, her voice so chipper she sounded like a cartoon. Rory looked baffled.
There was quiet on the other end for a moment. “Lorelai,” Luke said, sounding very tired.
“Oh, Luke,” she said, glancing over at Rory, who was immediately attentive. “What’s - what’s up?”
“I’m sorry for calling.”
“No, don’t be. I told you to call me if you needed anything, and I meant that.”
“I’m probably bothering you during something important. I’m sorry, it’s nothing.”
For the first time that day, Lorelai was actually frustrated with Luke. What did she have to do to get him to realize that she wanted to help? And who called a person up just to tell them they were sorry to trouble them? Lorelai stopped herself and rubbed her temple. Someone who had been through an unbelievably shitty day, she reminded herself, and concentrated breathing evenly while her irritation drained out the base of her head down her neck and into her shoulders.
“Luke,” she said firmly. “If you hang up without telling me why you called, I’m just going to drive over there and knock on your door all night. I might sing while I’m at it.”
“It’s just - we don’t have - anything. I mean, we have towels and soap and everything, but no clothes, no pajamas. I don’t even have my wallet. I need to go back to the diner, but I - uh - see, it’s stupid. It’s nothing.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“What?”
“To the diner, to pick up your stuff. An extra set of hands will help.” She cast a sideways look at Rory, who was putting her backpack down and watching Lorelai with a frown. Lorelai wasn’t about to mention that she understood that he didn’t want to go back to the apartment alone, not in front of Rory. “And I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m heading to the inn as soon as I hang up, so there’s no use arguing.”
“You’re very stubborn,” he said, but she could hear his relief.
“And very wonderful.”
“And very wonderful,” he agreed. There was something in his voice that made the back of her neck feel warm. “Thank you.”
She swallowed roughly. “See you soon.”
“Bye, Lorelai.”
She hung up and sighed, looking over at Rory. “Well, I’ve gotta go again. I’m going to lend Luke a hand getting some things from the apartment. It shouldn’t take long.” She turned and headed for the foyer before Rory could say anything. She was a little pissed off - not at Luke, just the universe - that she had to leave again so soon after seeing Rory. She yanked her shoes on angrily.
“Wait,” Rory called, jogging after her. “Does Luke need any help?”
“Yes, but that’s why I’m going. You stay here and do your homework.”
Rory’s bottom lip jutted just a little. “I could help.”
Lorelai snorted. “You’re so weak, though, sweetie. You’re not a very big fan of lifting things.”
“I - hey! It’s not like you’re beating down people’s doors to carry stuff most of the time, either.”
“No, but that’s because my hands are pretty, not because I can’t. It’s not like Luke would let you do any kind of strenuous activity, anyway. Me, he isn’t as fond of. I appreciate the offer, and I’m sure Luke and Jess would, too. We’ve got this covered, though.”
Rory nodded sullenly.
“Lock everything,” Lorelai said, pulling her coat on. “Everything.”
“I promise, everything in this house that can lock, will be locked.”
“Good. And double-check everything just to make sure. Maybe build some locks if you have spare time.”
“Will do.”
“Especially your bedroom window, because that creeps me out now.” She stopped and smiled at Rory slowly, cautiously. “Or you could always go hang out in my room.”
Rory tilted her head curiously. “Why would I do that?”
“Uh, because it’s not on the first floor. People can’t just press their faces up against the glass and watch you do your homework.”
She made a face. “Ew. But my computer’s down here.”
“Rory, honey, you are a smart girl. And your computer is a laptop.” It felt strange having this easy back-and-forth. She wondered if everything she was saying sounded stupid to Rory, too. Lorelai sighed. “Well, wherever you go, just make sure everything’s secure and that there are no big neon signs anywhere advertising that you’re here alone. Oh! Oh! Call Dean.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, barricade yourself in with him,” Lorelai said as she grabbed her purse.
Rory laughed uncertainly. “OK, you’re telling me you want me to lock myself in the house with Dean? Alone?”
Lorelai wouldn’t have minded it. From what she could tell, Rory was nowhere near having sex with Dean, and she liked the idea of having a mountainous boy who was crazy about her daughter protecting her house. She envisioned Dean getting all red in the face, looming over anyone who dared threaten Rory, all floppy-haired and nostrils flared. She had never felt so affectionate toward him in her life. Lorelai rolled her eyes anyway and said, “No, when I say ‘barricade yourself in with him,’ I don’t mean the two of you alone being lovey-dovey with all of the doors barred, I mean use Dean to block the door. He’s very large. I think he has a lot of untapped potential as a road block.”
“Ah, OK. I’ll be sure to tell him. He’ll be flattered.”
Lorelai kissed her on the forehead. “And it really is all right if you want to invite him over. You know I trust you.”
“Yeah, I know.” Rory gave her a quick hug. “Go help Luke.”
Lorelai looked at her, thinking of everything she didn’t know, and shame gurgled acidly in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t think about it, because she was furious with herself that she could even conceive of it, but more than a small part of her was relieved that Jess would pretty definitely not be pursuing her daughter. Even more so now that she was convinced he was incapable of having a healthy romantic relationship. She pushed it all down, though, telling herself that she was worn down to an emotional nub, making her vulnerable to the worst parts of her personality. She wouldn’t indulge the guilt, she would just forget about it all, because she didn’t want anything she did to be motivated by remorse for thinking anything so foul.
She gave Rory another tight hug before leaving.
---
They parked in Lorelai’s car in front of the diner. She scanned the street and surrounding buildings, hoping the feeling that everyone was watching them was just in her head. Living in a small town had its benefits, and the gossip didn’t usually bother her, but gossip didn’t usually have anything to do with her or the people she cared about. She kept feeling people’s eyes on her, on them, kept hearing their whispers. It had been bad at the inn, but the closer they got to the diner, the more intensely she felt it, and her skin was crawling by the time she slid in the door behind Luke.
There was something rather post-apocalyptic-wasteland about seeing the diner completely closed up in the middle of the day. Lorelai glanced around nervously, edging closer to Luke. Her eyes lingered on the phone. As they had waited for the police last night, she’d noticed the phone in the apartment had been knocked off the hook, and she felt terribly guilty. She’d been so certain that Jess hadn’t been in trouble - that he, in fact, was the trouble - that she’d never entertained the idea that anything could be wrong with him, not even when she called and Luke didn’t answer. She’d just assumed he was still angry with her. The shock of coming into the apartment and seeing Luke pinning a man to the ground across from Jess, bloody and curled tightly into himself, had been like a sledgehammer blow between her eyes. She thought it was possible she’d never been so stunned before in her life - the intensity of her surprise alone had almost made her sick. After the police arrived and Ted had been escorted out of the apartment and Jess coaxed from her arms, Lorelai had gently picked up the phone and placed it in its cradle.
Now it was like every prickling fear she hadn’t felt the night before was plucking at her skin. She deserved it, but it made her useless. She was here to be support for Luke, but she wanted to grab a handful of his shirt and huddle behind him.
Luke walked through the diner slowly, navigating through tables and chairs like he was afraid to touch any of it. Lorelai felt a sharp pang for him. She couldn’t even imagine what he was feeling. This was his diner, his home for so long, and now it was crowded with ghosts. It had his father’s notes written in pencil by the baseboard, it had Luke’s childhood and adulthood and success, and now it also had Ted reeking out of the walls.
Luke reached the curtain and leaned forward, peering up the stairs. Lorelai caught up to him and stopped at his shoulder, glancing between him and the doorway. Her heartbeat was almost painfully hard, pounding up into her neck and ears. Impulsively, she grabbed his hand and squeezed.
He raised an eyebrow at her and she jiggled their joined hands. “Let’s go together?” she offered. “If the staircase is wide enough?” He nodded and pushed the curtain aside.
It wasn’t quite wide enough for the both of them, so Luke led and Lorelai followed just behind, still holding his hand. This was something they would never talk about later, she knew, and the comfort of Luke’s strong rough grip made her feel a little childish, but she didn’t care. They were the only ones who would ever know that they had needed each other’s support just to make it up Luke’s stairs.
They reached the landing, Lorelai a step after Luke. He dropped her hand and reached for the doorknob and she felt a moment of panic in which she wanted to yell at him not to open it. For a second she was certain the door would open to the same scene from last night, that Ted would be sitting at Luke’s kitchen table. But it swung open quietly, without incident, and Luke stepped inside. Lorelai swallowed hard, feeling silly and stupid and weak, and followed him.
Her imagination was worse than reality - of course there was nothing ghastly in the apartment, it wasn’t trashed, nothing was even broken as far as she could tell, the furniture had all been righted, and the walls weren’t oozing blood. Daylight made it seem almost peaceful, almost harmless, but the skin on the back of her neck still prickled and she carefully avoided looking at Luke’s bed. Her gaze fell on Luke’s small living area and Ted flashed in front of her vision - his pathetic crumpled face wet with tears - and she had to put her hand on the table to balance herself.
Luke, seemingly unaffected, was in his closet, pulling out what looked like an overnight bag and a huge duffel.
“I’ll pack up my own stuff,” he said, handing her the duffel. “I’ll start with the closet. If you wouldn’t mind getting some of Jess’ things from the dresser.” He indicated it with a gesture and she nodded, taking the bag from him, her breathing still shallow and her pulse a bit too fast.
Lorelai almost offered to pack Luke’s clothes for him and he could do Jess’ - it seemed too personal, handling his things without him there. She ran her thumbs along smooth flat surface of the dresser drawer, considering it. Her eyes scanned the top, cluttered with teenage paraphernalia. His wallet, his watch, hair products. On the floor by her feet were his jeans, crumpled in a careless pile. She sighed and pulled the drawer open, biting back jokes about having to paw through Jess’ underwear.
She had no idea how long Luke and Jess would be staying at the inn, so she grabbed as much as would conceivably fit in his duffel and leave room for necessities, which, considering Jess’ meager wardrobe and the fact that she could have probably stuffed a couple of bodies in the bag, was practically all of his clothes. He’d want to cover up his wrists, so she took every long-sleeved t-shirt she could find. Lorelai glanced up and grabbed his watch and what looked like a leather bracelet. She didn’t know how well they’d hide bandages, but he would probably be glad to have them anyway. She threw his wallet on top of everything and cinched the drawstring shut.
Luke was pulling shirts and pants haphazardly from the closet, pausing to put some back and then take them back out again. He muttered angrily under his breath. It didn’t look like he had actually packed anything.
“Luke?”
“What?” he turned sharply.
“Do you know if Jess is reading anything? Would he want a book?”
Luke put his hands on the back of his head, looking blank. “Oh, yeah. He is. I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I bet he is, because he always is. I don’t know what in particular, but there are books… everywhere.”
She nodded. “Do you mind if I look around?”
“Yeah, go ahead.”
Luke was right. Jess’ books weren’t in any one place, but none of his belongings seemed to be. She doubted he actually had somewhere to put his things, and, from what she could tell, he didn’t have much. Aside from the obvious reasons for not wanting to stay in the apartment after last night, it was a very good thing Luke mentioned moving. Luke’s apartment was small for one man, and it looked like Jess barely fit. Luke was stubborn, though, and, as long as nothing was horribly wrong with the living arrangement, he’d just let it stay the way it was. Well, something was horribly wrong with it now, she thought grimly, not looking at the foot of Luke’s bed.
Lorelai made her way over to his desk, briefly scanning the surface. “Oh, Luke.” She pointed at the flashing light on his answering machine. “You have a message.”
They both watched the light blink. “You wanna… just leave it?” she asked. It was silly to be apprehensive about hearing the message. It could be nothing, but it might be a doctor or a police officer or Taylor, or anything that might break their tenuous silence about the events of the previous night.
Look eventually shook his head and hit “play.” A quiet, female voice came over the speaker. She sounded tired, her voice heavy with emotion.
“Hey Luke… Jess.” She said the latter name almost shyly, regretfully. Just from Luke’s look of astonishment mixed with anger, Lorelai guessed this was Liz. “I’m sorry. Luke, I’m sorry I hung up on you earlier. I just - I couldn’t. I’m sorry.” There was a sharp, quavering intake of breath.
“And Jess - baby, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” It was getting increasingly difficult to understand her through her tears. Luke was completely still, his fingers suspended over the play button. “I just had to - to let you know that it wasn’t my fault.” The words all came out in a rush and at first Lorelai was sure she wasn’t hearing things right. There was no way Liz was leaving this all on an answering machine. “He was here. He was here a few weeks ago, but I didn’t tell him where you were. He asked me, but I didn’t tell. It wasn’t me. It’s not my fault. I thought - I thought he’d leave us alone.” Her voice trailed off in a squeak and the only sound that came through were quiet sobs.
Lorelai wanted to jump in and hit the stop button or rip the machine out of the wall. She was totally numb, stuck watching Luke’s slack face and only guessing what he must be feeling when she was furious and this wasn’t even her family. “Jess,” Liz said, and Lorelai gave a little start at hearing her voice again. “I’m so-“
Luke deleted the message, cutting Liz off mid-apology. Lorelai let out her breath in a shaky whoosh and sought Luke’s eyes hopefully, planning on making some Wow, one hell of a lady, that Liz comment. Luke rested his hands on either side of the answering machine and seemed to consider it for a long moment. Without warning, he grabbed it and threw it, yanking the cord from the wall and pulling the phone off the table with it. The machine hit the opposite wall and shattered, spraying out more tiny pieces than Lorelai even knew went into one of those things.
“Fuck,” he whispered harshly. Luke paced a step away from the desk and then back toward it, hands twitching. “Fuck.”
He lunged at the table, knocking over one of the chairs, and shoved the table for good measure. Lorelai took a step back, her shoulders colliding with the wall. She knew her heart was beating hard, but she didn’t consciously register fear or surprise. She was only aware of a slight jealousy that Luke still had enough energy for this.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” With every word, he kicked out, sometimes connecting with the overturned chair, sometimes with a table leg.
Lorelai watched him from behind, his shoulders rising and falling shakily, his fingers splayed out across the table and trembling. Suddenly he straightened and turned, locking eyes with her. Before she could think of opening her mouth to speak, his gaze went past her and he stomped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him with enough force to reverberate into her fingertips.
Slowly, she pushed herself away from the wall and bent to pick up the chair. She gathered the pieces of the broken answering machine and dumped them in the trash, then plugged the phone in and placed it gently in its cradle.
Luke didn’t come out, so she set to packing the rest of his clothes. He hadn’t made much progress, and she did the same with his bag as she had with Jess’. When it was stuffed to maximum capacity with a variety of flannel button-downs, jeans, and the few nice shirts she bought for him, she zipped it shut and resumed her search of the apartment for books. It was like an Easter egg hunt - she found a couple of books on the dresser, some on the desk, on the floor, stuck between couch cushions. She’d have to ask Rory about possibly lending him some. She’d had some idea Jess liked to read, but this looked like more than a casual interest, and she was guessing she was only scratching the surface. Crazy teens these days, with their wild book habits.
She stacked the books that didn’t fit in his duffel in a neat pile on the kitchen table. Next on the agenda: music. It would have been the first thing she wanted as a teenager. This was a considerably more difficult task, since she could only find a bulky stereo that was definitely too big to fit in anyone’s bag. Besides, if there weren’t headphones to go with it, she wasn’t sure it was a great idea. It wasn’t like Luke and Jess were moving to the Independence.
And, oh, concussion, she remembered suddenly, feeling foolish. She didn’t know how badly Jess’ head hurt but he probably wasn’t going to be up for listening to headphones anytime soon, and reading would likely be painful, too. Oh, well. If she was wrong about him wanting the books, it wouldn’t hurt to bring them to him.
Convinced that there was nothing more she could pack or tidy or do, Lorelai sat at the table, folding her hands loosely on the top. She stared at her fingers, tapping her nails against the hard surface, slowly at first, and then in quick succession. She would have to go back to work tomorrow. On the plus side, Luke and Jess would be there, too. Not all day, but knowing they would be close enough to easily contact took some of the edge off her anxiety.
She didn’t want to think about the message she probably shouldn’t have overheard. What her place was in all this, she couldn’t fathom. If any of them - Jess or Luke or even herself - had any reservations over her involvement, it was far too late now. She was part of it, tangled up in their grief, and she didn’t even want out, not exactly. At the moment, she was numb and tired and pretty well beyond feeling anything more intense than confusion. There was a lot she wasn’t privy to, but she still couldn’t believe Liz’s message. It sounded like she had known Ted was looking for Jess, and she hadn’t let anyone know. Who said something like that on an answering machine? And how could Liz possibly understand what had happened to Jess last night and be preoccupied with denying her guilt in the matter? How could she possibly not be here already, tearing down doors to see her son?
Luke finally emerged from the bathroom, his movements careful and quiet. His gaze skirted around her and she hated that he looked embarrassed.
“I packed up your stuff,” she said, nudging the bag at her feet with a toe.
He glanced at it and at her and nodded. His eyes were rimmed red and Lorelai’s heart nearly broke, again. Luke looked bereft, and she didn’t know how to comfort him. All she did was what anyone could do, easy practical matters like making arrangements and packing bags. She felt her impotence as an ache that swelled up against her ribcage.
“You ready to go?” she asked. “Do you need anything else?”
“Uh. I don’t know. Yes. I don’t know. Yes, let’s go.” He bent, blindly reaching for the bags. She grabbed his before he could take them both and they walked out of the diner in silence.
part b
Notes: Holy what in the what, this stupid installment was too long for one LiveJournal post, so I split it - rather unevenly - into two. If you make it all the way through to the end, wow. And thank you for your determination.
Also: I don't have an editor, which I think has to be more than a little obvious. I just want to take this opportunity to offer my sincerest apologies for the errors I know are there.
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9
Lorelai hated the hospital chairs. As welcome a comfort as it would have been to spend the morning waiting hours holding Luke, it was an impractical position to maintain. Her back ached and the armrests of both of their chairs were digging into her side just under her ribs. She didn’t mind much, but when she shifted to try to find a more comfortable angle, Luke lifted his head and pulled away so her arms were still around his shoulders but their bodies weren’t touching. His mouth was right next to her ear and his breath warmed the base of her jaw.
“Sorry, are you -” he started, his voice low and loud in her ear.
“Oh, fine, no, really, I - ” she tried to protest, but she loosened her grip and leaned back to look at him. He quickly put a hand to his red eyes, sniffling and breathing deeply. Lorelai sat back, stiffly but reluctantly, leaving one arm much more in his space than her own. Luke leaned into her touch, palms pressed over his eyes. His jaw and throat worked spasmodically and she used two fingers to gently rub his neck.
Eventually, he straightened in his seat again, folding his arms over his chest. She pulled her hand away from his skin but left her arm resting on the back of his chair. They seemed to have run out of anything to say, and Lorelai ran through an ever-growing mental list of things she had to take care of - for herself and for Luke - when she got a chance. The next time he left the room, she would start making phone calls. She felt guilty leaving him to take care of business, and whenever he left, she nearly drove herself crazy with boredom, anxiety, and trying not to think about what had happened to Jess. She hoped her cell phone had enough life in it to get her through the necessities.
Luke wasn’t forthcoming with details - she doubted he had enough of his bearings to know them all himself - so she had no idea what was going on with Jess or his mom or the hospital, and there was no way she was going to ask. As time went on and they heard nothing, Lorelai could only guess that Jess was undergoing what Luke had earlier, euphemistically, called a “thorough examination.”
A doctor came in - the same one from earlier, Lorelai thought - and Luke left with him. She thought she heard something about “discharge” or “paperwork,” which, if true, was a blessing. In the meantime, she needed to make more phone calls, stupid fiddly distractions that needed to be handled and that she could handle.
Lorelai checked the time on her phone - a little before 7:00 a.m. She snorted. She felt like she’d aged years in the last several hours, and wouldn’t have been too surprised if she discovered the hospital’s waiting room existed in a time vortex that kept her and Luke agonizing through months while an hour passed to the outside world. That was the way all waiting rooms felt, though.
Rory was first on the list of necessary phone calls. She answered the phone sounding anxious and tired and Lorelai’s heart twisted with sympathy. While it wasn’t any sort of peach to actually know the details of the situation, having concrete information was probably better than sitting up alone in an empty house all morning only with vague details and a well-educated imagination to fill in the gaps.
Lorelai couldn’t clarify much more, though she was glad to be able to have an actual medical problem to relate. “Concussion,” while insignificant in light of everything that happened, was one true thing she could tell her daughter.
“Concussion,” Rory repeated, concerned, and Lorelai knew that as soon as she hung up, Rory would research the condition and then have a million questions to ask and probably know more about Jess’ symptoms than Lorelai did. “What happened? You didn’t really say earlier.”
“Oh,” she paused, mentally kicking herself for not coming up with a story that would sound at least remotely plausible to Rory. “I’m not totally sure, actually. Some, you know, guy broke in and Jess was there and I guess there was a scuffle and Jess got hurt.” She winced. She was a terrible liar, at least with Rory. With Emily and Richard, on the other hand, she was fantastically accomplished, or she used to be.
Rory was quiet for a while. “Mom,” she said softly.
“Honey, I really don’t have all the details. The important thing is that everyone’s … will be OK. They will be. Luke is OK, Jess will be. He will.” Her stomach churned at the words.
“So it’s not bad?”
“What?”
“The concussion. It’s not bad?”
“Ah… nope, not too bad, as far as head injuries go, I guess,” Lorelai said, summoning a falsely casual tone that echoed tinnily in her ears.
“He didn’t lose consciousness, then?” Lorelai frowned. Was Rory looking it up while she was on the phone, or did she already know this for some reason?
“No, he didn’t. I can pretty definitely say he didn’t.” She wasn’t sure, though. She was only guessing that Jess had been conscious while they waited for the police to arrive. He hadn’t moved, apart from trembling, and she hadn’t been able to see his face. Her breathing turned shallow as she thought of it and she squeezed her eyes shut at the memory. She’d been bewildered, knowing nothing of the situation except that Jess was hurt in a way that made him cling to her and Luke was holding down his attacker and all she could do was frantically put the information together to come up with terrible scenarios, the most nightmarish of which had been true. She opened her eyes again when she heard Rory speaking.
“Oh, well, that’s good.” Rory seemed relieved and Lorelai was glad. She couldn’t fake even a semblance of normality at the moment, and all she could hope for was that Rory wouldn’t pick up on the truth.
Lorelai breathed deeply, fighting back tears again. It seemed like all she’d done for the last several hours was cry or want to cry. “Are you going to school today, babe?”
“Oh,” Rory said in a small voice. Lorelai had thought about this a lot while she was waiting. It had been a great internal debate and if it had been any other situation she would have given her warring urges silly voices and nicknames and told amusing anecdotes about their argument. A large part of her wanted to keep Rory at home so her daughter would be there so whenever Lorelai got back, she could take her in her arms and hold her until morning. A greater part, though, knew that Rory would drive herself crazy with worry if she didn’t have something to do. Apart from which, Lorelai would feel much better if Rory were safe at Chilton instead of alone at home, undefended.
“There’s no real reason for me to miss it, right?”
Lorelai shut her eyes again, screwing up her face and gritting her teeth in preparation for the lie. “No, sweetie, everyone’s fine.”
Rory hesitated. “You’re sure?”
Lorelai sighed into the phone. “If you really want, I can call the school, say there’s a family emergency.” Family emergency, she thought, the words echoing in her head. Family.
“No, that’s all right,” Rory mumbled. “I have a test this afternoon anyway.”
Her heart skipped a little in relief. “OK. Take my car.”
“OK. See you when I get home?”
“Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.” She hoped so, anyway.
“All right.” Lorelai just listened to her breathe, not wanting to cut the connection. “Mom?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“I love you.”
Lorelai had to bite her lip. Fuck it, she was tearing up again. “I love you, too. Everything’s fine, though. Don’t worry.”
“Yeah. Bye.”
“Bye.”
Lorelai sniffed sloppily, rubbing her nose with the back of her hand. She stomped her foot in frustration. She wanted to be home and she hated herself for wanting to be home. And she was so goddamn grateful that Rory was safe she was almost sick with it. She told herself that the gratitude was not a bad thing, it was not the sort of situation where she was glad that it was Jess instead of Rory, it wasn’t, and she shouldn’t even think that, because all she was happy for was that her daughter was well, even though she had never logically been in danger of being hurt. But the relief still felt like a stain on her heart, a dirty thing that mocked everything Luke and Jess had been through.
She sniffed again and shook her head. She wouldn’t even think about it. She wouldn’t wallow in guilt and self-recrimination when she could be productive in ways that might help Luke. Lorelai pinched the bridge of her nose and fought back her rising emotions. Later, she would have to set aside time to have a massive breakdown, just cry into her pillow until her eyes stuck shut and her lungs were raw.
She took time to collect herself before making the rest of her calls. She called the inn to tell them she was taking a personal day and the phrase family emergency ran through her mind again, niggling at her conscious, though she couldn’t pin down exactly why. When she hung up from her last call, she checked the battery level, noting there was probably only just enough life left for another call or two if there was an emergency.
“God bless this phone,” Lorelai whispered, kissing the keypad.
“Hey, Lorelai.” She turned quickly to see Luke standing behind her, looking hesitant. She hadn’t even heard him approach.
Lorelai stuffed her phone back in her coat pocket. “Oh, hey. Hey, what’s the news?” He was pretty inscrutable most of the time, but she was having a hell of a time reading his emotions today.
“Discharged,” he said, pointing over his shoulder at, Lorelai guessed, Jess’ room.
“That’s good! So his concussion’s not bad? How is he?”
He shrugged. “His head’s not as bad as they thought it was, apparently, and he’s… giving a statement to the police.” Luke looked relieved, and, frankly, Lorelai was surprised. Jess didn’t seem like the type who would willingly talk to the police about anything, even if he wasn’t the one in trouble.
“Good, also good.”
“Yeah, so while he’s doing that, they’re trying to find him clothes. Part of doing,” Luke paused and harrumphed and shuffled his feet, “the thing is they’ll give him new stuff to wear so he doesn’t have to put on the clothes he was wearing, which is good. I didn’t think about that, so it’s great they do that.” He looked at her and then at the wall. Lorelai noticed that he would never meet her eyes when he was talking about anything even peripherally involved with the rape. “The thing is, they don’t really have a lot of guy’s clothes on hand, so they’re having to search around a little.”
She felt a pang for Jess and bit her lip. “OK. Hopefully that doesn’t take too long. I’ve gotta tell you, I hate this place.” She laughed ruefully and he cracked the barest smile.
“Yeah,” he agreed. He rubbed his hands together and shuffled and Lorelai dipped her head to try to catch his eye. He obviously wanted to say something else. Luke glanced at her and she raised her eyebrows. He stepped closer and lowered his voice, saying urgently, “Lorelai, I just thought about this, but we can’t go back to the apartment. Where are we supposed to go? God damn it, I can’t believe I’m so stupid. There’s no way we’re going back there, no way I’m taking him back to that place.” He gestured sharply with his arms. “We’re going to have to move.”
She put a hand on his shoulder. “Luke, it’s all right. I actually just booked you guys a room at the Independence. If you don’t mind.”
He stopped moving completely, looking at her with an intensity that made her self-conscious. “Lorelai.”
“I hope that’s OK,” she continued as though he hadn’t said anything. “And you can stay there indefinitely. Well, maybe not until, like, May, because that’s when we start getting busy with weddings and we’ll probably need that room for people reserving blocks, although, really, I suppose we could just reserve around that room, so, yeah, you can stay indefinitely.” She kind of chuckled and smiled tightly.
Luke briefly covered his eyes with his hand and breathed in sharply. “Thank you, Lorelai. I had no - I hadn’t even thought about it and… ” he trailed off, shaking his head.
“Yeah,” she murmured. “And I called Ceasar -”Luke looked up sharply “I called 411, didn’t know his last name, but it turns out that if you start to cry, the operator will help you track down the only Ceasar in Stars Hollow. And I - didn’t really know what to do there, so I just told him the diner wouldn’t be open today and that you’d be in touch with him.” She lifted one shoulder helplessly. “I’m sorry if I overstepped or anything, I just. You have a lot more important things to worry about and I thought if I could take anything off your plate, I would. I should have mentioned it before I made the calls, I know, but it all just seemed so insignificant in light of -”
“Lorelai,” he cut her off, putting his hands on her shoulders. He seemed overwhelmed, but not angry. Luke looked in her eyes, searching, and Lorelai could feel her palms tingling. Something about the way he was looking at her made her want to turn away, but she couldn’t.
“Mr. Danes?” They both startled and Luke turned around, stuffing his hands in his pockets. A nurse waved at them and gestured for Luke to follow her. He turned back to Lorelai ruefully.
“It’s OK, go,” she said.
“Thank you,” he whispered before following the nurse out of the room.
Lorelai punched the wall lightly. Without any calls to make, she was left to shift anxiously from foot to foot. The coffee here was absolutely terrible, but it was cheap and caffeinated and she had very little money on her. Four cups on an otherwise empty stomach left her unsettled and a little nauseated, although that could have easily been a product of the evening’s events, or some combination of all of it. She was tired well beyond her second wind to the point of having a constant, vicious headache and the world buzzed around her too quickly for her perception to follow accurately. She felt old in her joints, a dull thrum that settled in her hips and extended up to the base of her spine and down to the top of her thighs.
She laced her fingers together at the back of her head and stretched. She couldn’t quite piece everything together - what had happened the day before. The day before. Not even 24 hours ago, nothing at all was wrong. Then Jess skipped out on his shift at the diner, and it was a pretty weird coincidence that it happened on the day his former stepfather came to Stars Hollow if the events were unrelated. She couldn’t figure out how they might be related, and she didn’t know what was going on with Luke and Jess or Jess and his mom or Luke and Jess’ mom. Luke’s phone call to Liz had been especially strange. It didn’t matter, she supposed, and she knew as much as she needed to. And Ted, whoever the fuck he was, was in police custody, and Jess had given the police a statement, and, unless she was completely wrong about the situation, Jess had consented to a rape kit. So, really, Ted wouldn’t be a worry anymore. Logically.
Lorelai walked fidgety turns around the room, flipping open magazines and closing them again in irritation. She was just about to hunt down a nurse and bully them into telling her what was going on with Luke and Jess when they came around the corner. She was so relieved to see them she almost put her arms over her head and cheered. Instead, she jogged over to them, ignoring Jess’ bruises and focusing instead on how much better he looked than he had in the hospital room, and especially how much better than he looked in the apartment.
She knew instinctively she wasn’t going to get away with hugging Jess after this, and she took the opportunity to put her arms around his shoulders and squeeze. His arms lifted slightly - she couldn’t tell if it was an aborted attempt to reciprocate or push her away, but he allowed it.
Lorelai stepped back and put a hand to his face, but pulled it back quickly, recalling herself. Jess scratched his neck uncomfortably and looked at the floor and Luke’s expression was caught somewhere between amusement and confusion. The staff, it seemed, hadn’t found clothes that fit Jess, because he was wearing scrub pants and a plain t-shirt that came down to the middle of his thigh. Topped off with his jacket, the whole ensemble looked ridiculous, and Lorelai wished she could tease him about it as a way of expressing how stupidly happy she was to see him up and walking and healthy enough to be discharged. But she wasn’t on those kinds of terms with Jess, and anyway she felt like trying to be funny would be pretty inappropriate.
They all piled in the cab of Luke’s truck, and there was a tense moment when Jess paused before getting in, his foot on the step and his head bowed. Lorelai worried she or Luke would have to help him up and she wondered if it would be better, for the sake of his pride, to pretend like she didn’t see his weakness and just let him struggle. She didn’t have to make the decision, though, because Jess pulled himself in, his movements only stiff to her eyes because she was on the alert for anything that might be off.
She climbed in after him, and the three of them sat elbow-to-elbow in the front seat, not speaking or meeting each other’s eyes. Jess feigned sleep early on, tilting his head back at what must have been an uncomfortable angle. After a while, Lorelai realized he actually had drifted off. His breathing was soft and shallow and he gradually shifted closer to her, leaning so his shoulder dug into hers. She watched his sleeping face closely, studying him in full light for the first time since he’d been attacked. He was pale, but he looked better than he had in the hospital room. The little bruises on his cheek and jaw still made her feel sick to her stomach, though. When she first noticed them, she’d wanted to hurt something, tear it apart. She felt a curious desire to put an arm around him, to support him, but she held back.
Lorelai gave Jess a tiny nudge with her elbow when they reached the inn and he was instantly awake, sitting upright and blinking quickly. She kept her back to the truck after she got out, so she never saw if Jess had trouble stepping down.
Lorelai took them through a service entrance she hadn’t used in a long time. She didn’t want to draw the attention of staff or guests, largely for the purpose of discretion and to afford Luke and Jess some privacy, but she was grateful to be out of view, too. She had no desire to explain what she was doing there if she was taking a personal day, or to speak at all. And she was a mess. She was unshowered, her shirt wrinkled and bloody, and she hadn’t put on a bra when she decided to help Luke with his search. At the time, it had seemed like too much effort and insignificant if she was wearing a coat, but she became acutely aware of the lack of it at the hospital, and since then she couldn’t help feeling exposed and uncomfortable. She zipped up her coat and tugged self-consciously at the bottom.
She ducked her head and scratched her temple as she passed one of the maids. She just didn’t want to talk. And she looked like a scraggly, unkempt disaster in the inn she ran. She hadn’t felt so out of place in these walls since the first time she found herself at the door, frightened, desperate, and probably just as much of a mess.
They reached the main hallway just off the lobby and Lorelai glanced around. There wasn’t a lot of activity yet, but there wasn’t any reason to open them up to unnecessary attention. “Wait here a second,” she muttered, and while neither of them said anything, they pulled back into the corner in an identical nervous shuffle. She kept her eyes to the ground as she walked behind the main desk, simply ignoring Michel and grabbing the key to Luke and Jess’ room.
She motioned with her finger for them to follow her and they fell into step behind her. None of them spoke, and it was starting to make Lorelai edgy. She was extremely grateful to finally reach their door, which she unlocked for them, and then handed the key to Luke.
“Thanks,” he said gruffly, rubbing the tip of his nose.
She nodded and touched his arm. “You know,” she said gravely, “it’s no problem at all. If you need anything, you let me know.”
“Yeah, of course,” he replied absently.
“Hey, Luke. I mean it.” He met her eyes briefly and nodded. She turned to Jess. “You hold him to that.” Jess blinked at her, apparently surprised at being addressed at all. He said nothing.
“OK,” she said after a moment of heavy silence. “I will see you guys… later.”
Luke and Jess shuffled into their room and Lorelai sighed deeply. She’d been holding off feeling her exhaustion as long as possible and it now it was pounding on the inside of her skull. She crossed her arms over her chest and trudged to the kitchen. Sookie had agreed to give her a ride home, and nothing had ever sounded so appealing in her life as being inside her own house. Didn’t matter what she was doing, even just sitting at the kitchen table and staring at a wall, she wanted her home.
Sookie fidgeted and made a soft fuss over her, which was, in a way, soothing. On the ride to Lorelai’s, she avoided talking about what had happened, which Lorelai had been vague about on the phone. Lorelai could tell she was practically twitching with the desire for details, but she appreciated Sookie’s restraint. Mostly, she chattered about the morning’s small excitements and catastrophes and glanced over at Lorelai enough to worry her a little about how much attention Sookie was paying to the road.
Sookie came inside with her, and, having run out of things to say, followed Lorelai quietly into her kitchen. Lorelai sat down heavily and made a move to unzip her coat but remembered the blood on her shirt and paused with her hand on her collar. She looked up at Sookie, who didn’t seem to notice that she’d stopped herself, and was just watching her with concern.
“I’m all right,” Lorelai said finally. “I’m tired and stressed out, but I’m fine.”
“OK,” said Sookie, a little dubiously. The corner of her mouth turned up. “You look awful, though.”
Lorelai snorted and flipped her ponytail. “What are you saying? Sleepless, unclean and no makeup doesn’t work for me?”
Sookie stepped closer and put a hand on her shoulder. “Oh, sweetie.” Her voice was very soft. “So, a break-in, huh. That’s terrible.”
Lorelai sighed. “We’ve got to control the flow of information,” she said, pressing her hands to her temples. “The story is that someone broke into the diner, nothing was stolen, Jess got hurt.” She dragged her fingers over her cheekbones and pushed her fingertips into the corners of her eyes. “But he’ll be fine.” Her face got warm every time she said that.
“All right,” said Sookie, rubbing Lorelai’s shoulder. “I’ll let the right people know.” After a moment of quiet, in which Lorelai focused only on the comforting feel of Sookie’s hand, Sookie asked, “So what really happened?”
Lorelai looked up, feeling cold all over. “What do you mean?”
“You said ‘the story is.’ So what’s the truth?” She was wide-eyed, more concerned than curious. “What happened?”
Lorelai blinked rapidly. Shit, that was a big mistake. “That is the truth. It’s the story and it’s the truth.” She smiled thinly, unconvincingly.
Sookie’s brow furrowed. Lorelai was lying to everyone today. Badly. “OK,” she said slowly. “If you can’t tell me, you could say so. I won’t be mad.”
She shook her head. “No, that’s the truth. That’s what happened. Some strange, crazy guy broke into the diner and no one knows why yet. But everyone will be fine.” Sookie’s disbelief was evident, and, to top it off, she looked hurt. Lorelai put a hand over Sookie’s and squeezed. “I swear, honey. I’m just so screwed up right now. I haven’t gotten any sleep and, you know, an actual violent crime taking place in Stars Hollow? I’m pretty sure it violates the laws of the universe. I still can’t make any sense of it.”
Sookie laughed a tiny, forced laugh, but her expression cleared a little. “Yeah. I can bet Taylor will be launching a full investigation.” Lorelai’s stomach dropped and her fingers involuntarily tightened around Sookie’s. “What’s wrong?”
“I hadn’t thought about that,” Lorelai breathed. She thought she’d been so on top of everything, but it was possible that Taylor was a force she couldn’t stop. “Luke and Jess have been through a lot already. The last thing they need is Taylor getting involved.” He was probably already trying to contact the police about it, probably had been since he found out there had been emergency vehicles on the town’s main street.
Sookie pulled up a chair and sat next to Lorelai. “Do you want me to stay? Can I get you anything?” Lorelai shook her head. She was grateful to Sookie, more than she could say, but she wanted to be alone to sort through her thoughts. And to break down if she needed to. She felt on the verge of buckling all the time. Sookie stroked her hair. “I could make you lunch.”
Lorelai smiled briefly. “Oh, thank you, Sookie, but no. You’ve done so much for me - you gave me a ride home, and you left your lunch staff unattended to do it. And you gave me a muffin! I couldn’t ask you for anything else, and I couldn’t take anything else, either. I’m just going to crawl into bed and sleep. Forever.” Or sit in the middle of the room and cry in her bathrobe, which sounded equally appealing.
Sookie was clearly unconvinced. “OK,” she said anyway, picking up her purse and her keys. “But you make sure you call me if you need anything.” Lorelai nodded, knowing she wouldn’t, and she realized she’d said the same thing to Luke. Her heart dropped in her chest thinking that he might have been just as dismissive with her offer of help.
After Sookie left, Lorelai set about trying to find a semblance of normalcy. It took a lot of effort to pull herself up from the kitchen table and into her bedroom, and then even greater restraint not to fall face-first on the bed and curl up in the covers fully clothed. First, she needed a shower. She felt filthy and she kept getting the unpleasant sensation that her clothes were sticking to her in places. Lorelai shed her clothes as she walked to the bathroom, leaving them on the floor where they fell.
She made the water in the shower as hot as she could and still bear to stand under the stream, and even so, her skin turned an angry red as soon it touched her skin. She used her fingernails and her fanciest soap to scrub off the grime. When she was finally done, she felt as though she’d scraped off several layers of skin.
Lorelai walked downstairs slowly, her movements heavy and aching. She drew the blinds and sat in the corner of the couch, burrowing herself into the cushion and leaning her head against the back. She didn’t plan on sleeping, not when there were still things to do. She had to come up with a course of action against Taylor. As soon as she thought of him, her headache was back with full force, beating an irritating throb at the base of her skull. Lorelai covered her face with her hand and was a little surprised to find that her eyes were wet again.
She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until Rory woke her with a gentle touch to her shoulder.
“Mom?”
Lorelai’s head snapped up, a move she regretted at once as the pain from her cramped neck rippled down her spine. “Ah, God,” she whined, rubbing her neck. “Oh! Rory!” She shot up from the couch and threw her arms around her daughter, almost toppling them both to the ground.
“Oof,” Rory grunted, hugging Lorelai in return.
Lorelai’s emotions were coming to a head and bursting through her body to the soles of her feet and she practically hopped up and down. “Hey, honey,” she said casually.
“Hi, Mom,” Rory replied, her voice muffled.
“How are you? You just get home?” The last question was stupid because Lorelai was hugging around Rory’s backpack, but she didn’t care. She had to talk or she would cry.
“I’m fine,” Rory said, adjusting her head so her mouth cleared Lorelai’s shoulder. “And yeah.” Lorelai rocked them back and forth softly and Rory chuckled. “Are you OK?”
“Yes,” she breathed. “No. I’m not, not at all. This has been a very terrible day.” She didn’t let go and Rory didn’t say anything, for which she was grateful. She was sure she wouldn’t be able to pull away.
“How are they?”
Lorelai shut her eyes. She hated lying. She hated it. “They’re OK. They’re at the inn for now because they - understandably - don’t want to go back to the diner so soon after the break-in.” She was glad Rory couldn’t see her face.
“There’s more, though,” Rory said against Lorelai’s neck. “There’s more you aren’t telling me.”
“Yes,” she said, before she could even think to say “no.” She pulled back to look at her daughter’s face, cupping her jaw in both hands. Those big, sad blue eyes ought to be illegal. “There’s a lot I don’t even know, though, and I don’t want to speculate about anything and give anyone the wrong information. If we ever do get the whole story, it’ll be from Luke and Jess, but that might never happen. In the meantime, we just have to be supportive.” Not a complete lie. There were a lot of holes in Lorelai’s version of events, and so much she didn’t know how to answer. It was easier this way, anyway. Rory knew her well enough to know that she was holding something back and trying to deny it would just be hurtful to them both and ultimately pointless.
Rory didn’t say anything for a long time. “OK,” she conceded at last. “As long as you promise me they’re fine.”
“They’re fine,” Lorelai said automatically, and her stomach dropped. She rubbed Rory’s shoulders reassuringly.
Rory looked like she was going to press for more information - damn the investigative journalist in her - when the phone rang. Rory’s head turned and she made a move for it, but Lorelai cut across her.
“No, no, I’ve got it,” she said, practically diving for the phone. She didn’t really know who she thought it might be, but she wanted to be the one to intercept any bad news.
“Hello?” she said, her voice so chipper she sounded like a cartoon. Rory looked baffled.
There was quiet on the other end for a moment. “Lorelai,” Luke said, sounding very tired.
“Oh, Luke,” she said, glancing over at Rory, who was immediately attentive. “What’s - what’s up?”
“I’m sorry for calling.”
“No, don’t be. I told you to call me if you needed anything, and I meant that.”
“I’m probably bothering you during something important. I’m sorry, it’s nothing.”
For the first time that day, Lorelai was actually frustrated with Luke. What did she have to do to get him to realize that she wanted to help? And who called a person up just to tell them they were sorry to trouble them? Lorelai stopped herself and rubbed her temple. Someone who had been through an unbelievably shitty day, she reminded herself, and concentrated breathing evenly while her irritation drained out the base of her head down her neck and into her shoulders.
“Luke,” she said firmly. “If you hang up without telling me why you called, I’m just going to drive over there and knock on your door all night. I might sing while I’m at it.”
“It’s just - we don’t have - anything. I mean, we have towels and soap and everything, but no clothes, no pajamas. I don’t even have my wallet. I need to go back to the diner, but I - uh - see, it’s stupid. It’s nothing.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“What?”
“To the diner, to pick up your stuff. An extra set of hands will help.” She cast a sideways look at Rory, who was putting her backpack down and watching Lorelai with a frown. Lorelai wasn’t about to mention that she understood that he didn’t want to go back to the apartment alone, not in front of Rory. “And I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m heading to the inn as soon as I hang up, so there’s no use arguing.”
“You’re very stubborn,” he said, but she could hear his relief.
“And very wonderful.”
“And very wonderful,” he agreed. There was something in his voice that made the back of her neck feel warm. “Thank you.”
She swallowed roughly. “See you soon.”
“Bye, Lorelai.”
She hung up and sighed, looking over at Rory. “Well, I’ve gotta go again. I’m going to lend Luke a hand getting some things from the apartment. It shouldn’t take long.” She turned and headed for the foyer before Rory could say anything. She was a little pissed off - not at Luke, just the universe - that she had to leave again so soon after seeing Rory. She yanked her shoes on angrily.
“Wait,” Rory called, jogging after her. “Does Luke need any help?”
“Yes, but that’s why I’m going. You stay here and do your homework.”
Rory’s bottom lip jutted just a little. “I could help.”
Lorelai snorted. “You’re so weak, though, sweetie. You’re not a very big fan of lifting things.”
“I - hey! It’s not like you’re beating down people’s doors to carry stuff most of the time, either.”
“No, but that’s because my hands are pretty, not because I can’t. It’s not like Luke would let you do any kind of strenuous activity, anyway. Me, he isn’t as fond of. I appreciate the offer, and I’m sure Luke and Jess would, too. We’ve got this covered, though.”
Rory nodded sullenly.
“Lock everything,” Lorelai said, pulling her coat on. “Everything.”
“I promise, everything in this house that can lock, will be locked.”
“Good. And double-check everything just to make sure. Maybe build some locks if you have spare time.”
“Will do.”
“Especially your bedroom window, because that creeps me out now.” She stopped and smiled at Rory slowly, cautiously. “Or you could always go hang out in my room.”
Rory tilted her head curiously. “Why would I do that?”
“Uh, because it’s not on the first floor. People can’t just press their faces up against the glass and watch you do your homework.”
She made a face. “Ew. But my computer’s down here.”
“Rory, honey, you are a smart girl. And your computer is a laptop.” It felt strange having this easy back-and-forth. She wondered if everything she was saying sounded stupid to Rory, too. Lorelai sighed. “Well, wherever you go, just make sure everything’s secure and that there are no big neon signs anywhere advertising that you’re here alone. Oh! Oh! Call Dean.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, barricade yourself in with him,” Lorelai said as she grabbed her purse.
Rory laughed uncertainly. “OK, you’re telling me you want me to lock myself in the house with Dean? Alone?”
Lorelai wouldn’t have minded it. From what she could tell, Rory was nowhere near having sex with Dean, and she liked the idea of having a mountainous boy who was crazy about her daughter protecting her house. She envisioned Dean getting all red in the face, looming over anyone who dared threaten Rory, all floppy-haired and nostrils flared. She had never felt so affectionate toward him in her life. Lorelai rolled her eyes anyway and said, “No, when I say ‘barricade yourself in with him,’ I don’t mean the two of you alone being lovey-dovey with all of the doors barred, I mean use Dean to block the door. He’s very large. I think he has a lot of untapped potential as a road block.”
“Ah, OK. I’ll be sure to tell him. He’ll be flattered.”
Lorelai kissed her on the forehead. “And it really is all right if you want to invite him over. You know I trust you.”
“Yeah, I know.” Rory gave her a quick hug. “Go help Luke.”
Lorelai looked at her, thinking of everything she didn’t know, and shame gurgled acidly in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t think about it, because she was furious with herself that she could even conceive of it, but more than a small part of her was relieved that Jess would pretty definitely not be pursuing her daughter. Even more so now that she was convinced he was incapable of having a healthy romantic relationship. She pushed it all down, though, telling herself that she was worn down to an emotional nub, making her vulnerable to the worst parts of her personality. She wouldn’t indulge the guilt, she would just forget about it all, because she didn’t want anything she did to be motivated by remorse for thinking anything so foul.
She gave Rory another tight hug before leaving.
---
They parked in Lorelai’s car in front of the diner. She scanned the street and surrounding buildings, hoping the feeling that everyone was watching them was just in her head. Living in a small town had its benefits, and the gossip didn’t usually bother her, but gossip didn’t usually have anything to do with her or the people she cared about. She kept feeling people’s eyes on her, on them, kept hearing their whispers. It had been bad at the inn, but the closer they got to the diner, the more intensely she felt it, and her skin was crawling by the time she slid in the door behind Luke.
There was something rather post-apocalyptic-wasteland about seeing the diner completely closed up in the middle of the day. Lorelai glanced around nervously, edging closer to Luke. Her eyes lingered on the phone. As they had waited for the police last night, she’d noticed the phone in the apartment had been knocked off the hook, and she felt terribly guilty. She’d been so certain that Jess hadn’t been in trouble - that he, in fact, was the trouble - that she’d never entertained the idea that anything could be wrong with him, not even when she called and Luke didn’t answer. She’d just assumed he was still angry with her. The shock of coming into the apartment and seeing Luke pinning a man to the ground across from Jess, bloody and curled tightly into himself, had been like a sledgehammer blow between her eyes. She thought it was possible she’d never been so stunned before in her life - the intensity of her surprise alone had almost made her sick. After the police arrived and Ted had been escorted out of the apartment and Jess coaxed from her arms, Lorelai had gently picked up the phone and placed it in its cradle.
Now it was like every prickling fear she hadn’t felt the night before was plucking at her skin. She deserved it, but it made her useless. She was here to be support for Luke, but she wanted to grab a handful of his shirt and huddle behind him.
Luke walked through the diner slowly, navigating through tables and chairs like he was afraid to touch any of it. Lorelai felt a sharp pang for him. She couldn’t even imagine what he was feeling. This was his diner, his home for so long, and now it was crowded with ghosts. It had his father’s notes written in pencil by the baseboard, it had Luke’s childhood and adulthood and success, and now it also had Ted reeking out of the walls.
Luke reached the curtain and leaned forward, peering up the stairs. Lorelai caught up to him and stopped at his shoulder, glancing between him and the doorway. Her heartbeat was almost painfully hard, pounding up into her neck and ears. Impulsively, she grabbed his hand and squeezed.
He raised an eyebrow at her and she jiggled their joined hands. “Let’s go together?” she offered. “If the staircase is wide enough?” He nodded and pushed the curtain aside.
It wasn’t quite wide enough for the both of them, so Luke led and Lorelai followed just behind, still holding his hand. This was something they would never talk about later, she knew, and the comfort of Luke’s strong rough grip made her feel a little childish, but she didn’t care. They were the only ones who would ever know that they had needed each other’s support just to make it up Luke’s stairs.
They reached the landing, Lorelai a step after Luke. He dropped her hand and reached for the doorknob and she felt a moment of panic in which she wanted to yell at him not to open it. For a second she was certain the door would open to the same scene from last night, that Ted would be sitting at Luke’s kitchen table. But it swung open quietly, without incident, and Luke stepped inside. Lorelai swallowed hard, feeling silly and stupid and weak, and followed him.
Her imagination was worse than reality - of course there was nothing ghastly in the apartment, it wasn’t trashed, nothing was even broken as far as she could tell, the furniture had all been righted, and the walls weren’t oozing blood. Daylight made it seem almost peaceful, almost harmless, but the skin on the back of her neck still prickled and she carefully avoided looking at Luke’s bed. Her gaze fell on Luke’s small living area and Ted flashed in front of her vision - his pathetic crumpled face wet with tears - and she had to put her hand on the table to balance herself.
Luke, seemingly unaffected, was in his closet, pulling out what looked like an overnight bag and a huge duffel.
“I’ll pack up my own stuff,” he said, handing her the duffel. “I’ll start with the closet. If you wouldn’t mind getting some of Jess’ things from the dresser.” He indicated it with a gesture and she nodded, taking the bag from him, her breathing still shallow and her pulse a bit too fast.
Lorelai almost offered to pack Luke’s clothes for him and he could do Jess’ - it seemed too personal, handling his things without him there. She ran her thumbs along smooth flat surface of the dresser drawer, considering it. Her eyes scanned the top, cluttered with teenage paraphernalia. His wallet, his watch, hair products. On the floor by her feet were his jeans, crumpled in a careless pile. She sighed and pulled the drawer open, biting back jokes about having to paw through Jess’ underwear.
She had no idea how long Luke and Jess would be staying at the inn, so she grabbed as much as would conceivably fit in his duffel and leave room for necessities, which, considering Jess’ meager wardrobe and the fact that she could have probably stuffed a couple of bodies in the bag, was practically all of his clothes. He’d want to cover up his wrists, so she took every long-sleeved t-shirt she could find. Lorelai glanced up and grabbed his watch and what looked like a leather bracelet. She didn’t know how well they’d hide bandages, but he would probably be glad to have them anyway. She threw his wallet on top of everything and cinched the drawstring shut.
Luke was pulling shirts and pants haphazardly from the closet, pausing to put some back and then take them back out again. He muttered angrily under his breath. It didn’t look like he had actually packed anything.
“Luke?”
“What?” he turned sharply.
“Do you know if Jess is reading anything? Would he want a book?”
Luke put his hands on the back of his head, looking blank. “Oh, yeah. He is. I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I bet he is, because he always is. I don’t know what in particular, but there are books… everywhere.”
She nodded. “Do you mind if I look around?”
“Yeah, go ahead.”
Luke was right. Jess’ books weren’t in any one place, but none of his belongings seemed to be. She doubted he actually had somewhere to put his things, and, from what she could tell, he didn’t have much. Aside from the obvious reasons for not wanting to stay in the apartment after last night, it was a very good thing Luke mentioned moving. Luke’s apartment was small for one man, and it looked like Jess barely fit. Luke was stubborn, though, and, as long as nothing was horribly wrong with the living arrangement, he’d just let it stay the way it was. Well, something was horribly wrong with it now, she thought grimly, not looking at the foot of Luke’s bed.
Lorelai made her way over to his desk, briefly scanning the surface. “Oh, Luke.” She pointed at the flashing light on his answering machine. “You have a message.”
They both watched the light blink. “You wanna… just leave it?” she asked. It was silly to be apprehensive about hearing the message. It could be nothing, but it might be a doctor or a police officer or Taylor, or anything that might break their tenuous silence about the events of the previous night.
Look eventually shook his head and hit “play.” A quiet, female voice came over the speaker. She sounded tired, her voice heavy with emotion.
“Hey Luke… Jess.” She said the latter name almost shyly, regretfully. Just from Luke’s look of astonishment mixed with anger, Lorelai guessed this was Liz. “I’m sorry. Luke, I’m sorry I hung up on you earlier. I just - I couldn’t. I’m sorry.” There was a sharp, quavering intake of breath.
“And Jess - baby, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” It was getting increasingly difficult to understand her through her tears. Luke was completely still, his fingers suspended over the play button. “I just had to - to let you know that it wasn’t my fault.” The words all came out in a rush and at first Lorelai was sure she wasn’t hearing things right. There was no way Liz was leaving this all on an answering machine. “He was here. He was here a few weeks ago, but I didn’t tell him where you were. He asked me, but I didn’t tell. It wasn’t me. It’s not my fault. I thought - I thought he’d leave us alone.” Her voice trailed off in a squeak and the only sound that came through were quiet sobs.
Lorelai wanted to jump in and hit the stop button or rip the machine out of the wall. She was totally numb, stuck watching Luke’s slack face and only guessing what he must be feeling when she was furious and this wasn’t even her family. “Jess,” Liz said, and Lorelai gave a little start at hearing her voice again. “I’m so-“
Luke deleted the message, cutting Liz off mid-apology. Lorelai let out her breath in a shaky whoosh and sought Luke’s eyes hopefully, planning on making some Wow, one hell of a lady, that Liz comment. Luke rested his hands on either side of the answering machine and seemed to consider it for a long moment. Without warning, he grabbed it and threw it, yanking the cord from the wall and pulling the phone off the table with it. The machine hit the opposite wall and shattered, spraying out more tiny pieces than Lorelai even knew went into one of those things.
“Fuck,” he whispered harshly. Luke paced a step away from the desk and then back toward it, hands twitching. “Fuck.”
He lunged at the table, knocking over one of the chairs, and shoved the table for good measure. Lorelai took a step back, her shoulders colliding with the wall. She knew her heart was beating hard, but she didn’t consciously register fear or surprise. She was only aware of a slight jealousy that Luke still had enough energy for this.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” With every word, he kicked out, sometimes connecting with the overturned chair, sometimes with a table leg.
Lorelai watched him from behind, his shoulders rising and falling shakily, his fingers splayed out across the table and trembling. Suddenly he straightened and turned, locking eyes with her. Before she could think of opening her mouth to speak, his gaze went past her and he stomped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him with enough force to reverberate into her fingertips.
Slowly, she pushed herself away from the wall and bent to pick up the chair. She gathered the pieces of the broken answering machine and dumped them in the trash, then plugged the phone in and placed it gently in its cradle.
Luke didn’t come out, so she set to packing the rest of his clothes. He hadn’t made much progress, and she did the same with his bag as she had with Jess’. When it was stuffed to maximum capacity with a variety of flannel button-downs, jeans, and the few nice shirts she bought for him, she zipped it shut and resumed her search of the apartment for books. It was like an Easter egg hunt - she found a couple of books on the dresser, some on the desk, on the floor, stuck between couch cushions. She’d have to ask Rory about possibly lending him some. She’d had some idea Jess liked to read, but this looked like more than a casual interest, and she was guessing she was only scratching the surface. Crazy teens these days, with their wild book habits.
She stacked the books that didn’t fit in his duffel in a neat pile on the kitchen table. Next on the agenda: music. It would have been the first thing she wanted as a teenager. This was a considerably more difficult task, since she could only find a bulky stereo that was definitely too big to fit in anyone’s bag. Besides, if there weren’t headphones to go with it, she wasn’t sure it was a great idea. It wasn’t like Luke and Jess were moving to the Independence.
And, oh, concussion, she remembered suddenly, feeling foolish. She didn’t know how badly Jess’ head hurt but he probably wasn’t going to be up for listening to headphones anytime soon, and reading would likely be painful, too. Oh, well. If she was wrong about him wanting the books, it wouldn’t hurt to bring them to him.
Convinced that there was nothing more she could pack or tidy or do, Lorelai sat at the table, folding her hands loosely on the top. She stared at her fingers, tapping her nails against the hard surface, slowly at first, and then in quick succession. She would have to go back to work tomorrow. On the plus side, Luke and Jess would be there, too. Not all day, but knowing they would be close enough to easily contact took some of the edge off her anxiety.
She didn’t want to think about the message she probably shouldn’t have overheard. What her place was in all this, she couldn’t fathom. If any of them - Jess or Luke or even herself - had any reservations over her involvement, it was far too late now. She was part of it, tangled up in their grief, and she didn’t even want out, not exactly. At the moment, she was numb and tired and pretty well beyond feeling anything more intense than confusion. There was a lot she wasn’t privy to, but she still couldn’t believe Liz’s message. It sounded like she had known Ted was looking for Jess, and she hadn’t let anyone know. Who said something like that on an answering machine? And how could Liz possibly understand what had happened to Jess last night and be preoccupied with denying her guilt in the matter? How could she possibly not be here already, tearing down doors to see her son?
Luke finally emerged from the bathroom, his movements careful and quiet. His gaze skirted around her and she hated that he looked embarrassed.
“I packed up your stuff,” she said, nudging the bag at her feet with a toe.
He glanced at it and at her and nodded. His eyes were rimmed red and Lorelai’s heart nearly broke, again. Luke looked bereft, and she didn’t know how to comfort him. All she did was what anyone could do, easy practical matters like making arrangements and packing bags. She felt her impotence as an ache that swelled up against her ribcage.
“You ready to go?” she asked. “Do you need anything else?”
“Uh. I don’t know. Yes. I don’t know. Yes, let’s go.” He bent, blindly reaching for the bags. She grabbed his before he could take them both and they walked out of the diner in silence.
part b