Sawdust and Ashes, Chapter 3
Title: Sawdust and Ashes, Chapter 3
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There were fifty tiles in the ceiling of the waiting room. Five tiles per row, ten rows. Of course, the last row was cut off so only about three-quarters of the tiles showed, which made it technically, oh, forty eight and three-quarters. The dots on the tiles were too small to count without going cross-eyed, but that didn’t stop Luke from trying.
He was sitting beside Lorelai in an otherwise unoccupied room in the hospital, waiting to see Jess or hear something about him. Neither one of them was speaking, although every now and then they would say an awkward sentence or two and trail off. He still couldn’t process enough of what had happened that night to actually talk about it, and it seemed like Lorelai was in the same position.
He kept seeing the flashing emergency lights in his vision, how they came through the window and skipped over the walls of the apartment. The whole thing replayed on an endless loop in his mind, no matter how hard he tried to think of something else. The police officers all over the diner, the paramedic who leaned over Jess and shone lights in his eyes and tried to get him to speak. How Jess had finally seemed to see the man, only to convulse forward and throw up in his lap.
Luke and Lorelai had followed the ambulance to the hospital in his truck. Lorelai drove. Luke had gotten in the driver’s seat, put the keys in the ignition, and then stopped, dropping his hand into his lap. Lorelai watched him sit there, staring at the dash, and walked over to his door. She coaxed him from the truck and guided him to the passenger side.
“I’m OK,” Luke told her.
“I know,” she replied, and opened the door for him. He got in without protest. He wanted to thank her for driving, even though she clearly wasn’t comfortable in his car, but his jaw felt heavy and the thought of working it to speak seemed a tremendous effort. He hoped she knew how grateful he was for her presence, because he was sure it was something he could would never be able to properly convey. He was very glad that he had the wherewithal to get himself out of the truck by the time they got to the hospital. He couldn't imagine how embarrassing it would be if Lorelai had to open his door for him again.
They hadn’t seen Jess since then, having been escorted to this tiny, bleak waiting room with no view of the outside and no clock as far as Luke could tell. There was a box of tissues on every table. It made Luke uncomfortable, those handy reminders of grief. He knew Jess wasn't in critical condition but he couldn't help picturing other families sitting in these exact same seats, fumbling for tissues and sobbing.
He turned his attention to the television in the corner, on but muted, on what appeared to be an endless update on the weather. He considered asking Lorelai if she wanted to change the channel, but the idea of actually watching television was so ridiculous he couldn't bring himself to say the words. He just wanted to have something to do. Luke was opening his mouth to talk, although he wasn't sure what he was about to say, when a doctor approached. Lorelai straightened in her chair, poised and attentive.
“Mr. and Mrs. Mariano?”
“Yes?” she asked, before Luke could even open his mouth. He looked at her sideways and was about to tell her that this was really not the time to be cute, but she didn’t seem to even realize what she’d just said. She was just talking without thinking, which Luke could sympathize with, even though he seemed to have something of the opposite problem.
“Ah,” she cut in before the doctor could say anything. She looked nervously over at Luke and waved her hands in the air. “I mean. He is. Jess’ guardian. I’m not Mrs. Mariano - neither one of us is, actually, especially not him, for obvious reasons, and I’m gonna get some coffee, OK?” She stood, grabbing her cell phone off the table. “Luke?”
“No,” he muttered. “Thanks.”
She flashed the briefest of smiles at them before mouthing “OK” and walking briskly away. Luke didn’t mind, really. He liked that Lorelai was still being Lorelai - babbling and always on the lookout for coffee. It helped keep him anchored to reality. On principle, he wouldn’t have cared if she’d stayed for the doctor’s update, either, especially since he knew she was just worried, but he doubted Jess would want Lorelai to overhear the information Luke was about to receive. Luke was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear it.
He sighed, indicating with his chin that the doctor could proceed.
There wasn’t anything definite to hear yet, and Luke had a hard time following what the guy was saying. He understood that they suspected Jess had a concussion and wanted to keep him for observation. The doctor mentioned a couple of other procedures, but Luke missed most of what he said after “rape kit.” He nodded mutely through the rest of the man’s speech, bewildered.
After the doctor left, Luke leaned forward, resting his face in his hands and focusing on breathing. It was unreal; it had to be. Things like this didn’t happen, they hadn’t happened to his nephew in Luke’s apartment while he was less than a mile away.
Luke felt bile rising in his throat as he thought of the moment he’d realized how he recognized Jess’ attacker. He had been pressing his hands on the man’s shoulders, holding him to the floor and waiting for the police to arrive, when a vague memory floated to the front of his mind. There was a picture, somewhere, that he still had in the apartment, of a wedding on a fall day. Ted, he thought, surprised that he even remembered the man’s name. Liz’s third husband. He almost lost it then, thinking but not thinking of the implication there, if this thing had been in Jess’ life when Jess was eleven. Luke hadn’t been aware that he was leaning all of his weight onto his arms, crushing Ted, until Lorelai called his name and he saw that the man was choking for air. For maybe three seconds, Luke had considered how much trouble it would take to kill him then, and if he could get away with a diminished capacity defense, before releasing some of the pressure.
That was a lie, though, three seconds. He had wanted to do it for longer than that, he kept thinking about it even until the police came and had to physically pull him off Ted. He still wanted to, and a small part of him regretted that he hadn’t when he had the chance, the heat of the moment.
He didn’t know how long he sat like that, breathing in and out, before he heard Lorelai’s soft footsteps approach. He looked up and she nodded her head in greeting.
“Coffee!” she announced, holding up the cup in her hand. “And I know you won’t drink coffee, but I thought you needed - something. So I got you -” she paused dramatically and lifted her other hand, holding an identical paper cup.
Luke frowned at her, confused. “Coffee?”
“Tea! I hear that it’s good for you and has - leaves and grass and trees in it and - antioxidants.” He took the cup from her as she spoke.
“Thanks.”
“Oh, no. No problem. I’m just lucky there happened to be cash in the back pocket of these pants or I would have been screwed. Never go anywhere without a purse, Luke.”
He nodded and she sat next to him again, close enough that their legs were almost touching. Luke wasn’t sure if the proximity was for his comfort or hers. Lorelai was definitely shaken, and from the haunted look in her eyes, her restlessness and distractedness, she was feeling some of the same things he was.
She took a sip of her coffee and grimaced. “Ew. If this is any indication, your tea is terrible.”
“Thanks anyway.”
“Yeah.”
He tapped his thumbs against the lid of his cup, wondering how long it had been since the doctor left and when he’d be able to see Jess. Glad to have something to do apart from stare into space and make stilted conversation, he took a drink. He pulled his lips away from his teeth and sighed.
“This tastes like piss.”
Lorelai nodded emphatically.
“Who’d you call?”
“Hmm?”
“You took your phone with you earlier. When you went to get coffee. I thought maybe you called someone. I don’t know.”
“Oh. Yeah. I, uh, called Rory.” She swallowed and looked away.
He let out a soft “huh” sound. “What’d you say?”
“Well, she got all high-pitched and chirpy as soon as I said ‘at the hospital’ and she wouldn’t let me get a word in for a while, but eventually I let her know that there was a break-in at the diner and Jess was hurt but not fatally and that I didn’t know when I’d be home.”
“Did she sound OK?” Luke wasn’t usually big on talking just for the sake of saying things, but as long as he was speaking, he wasn’t counting the seconds since the last time he’d checked the time or thinking about what Jess was going through or what he had gone through. At some point, he would have to address all of that, but, for now, he allowed himself a reprieve.
“Yes, Luke, she’s fine.” Lorelai put a hand on his thigh and rubbed her fingertips on the denim lightly. He dropped his head to watch. She must have taken his look as disapproval, because she quickly drew her hand back to her own lap.
“What did the doctor say?” she asked, her voice unusually quivery.
“A lot of stuff, but not much made sense to me. They’re running some tests. I think they said he has a concussion. Maybe. And that the cuts on his arms look worse than they are.”
“They looked pretty bad.”
“And they’re just gonna… do a thorough examination to make sure they haven’t missed anything else.” He gestured lamely with his hands.
Lorelai’s mouth, already grim, thinned further. He’d seen the expression on her face when Luke finally let Ted go. The police officers had pulled him to his feet and Lorelai’s eyes had lingered on Ted’s unzipped fly. She’d looked like she was going to vomit, and he was pretty sure the only thing that kept her from it was the fact that she had still been supporting Jess. And he had been clinging to her, fingers twined tightly into her shirt.
Looking at her now, he could still see where Jess’s hands had been. The fabric was wrinkled and stretched and there were little smears of blood, grotesquely red-brown against the white.
“I think he ruined your shirt.”
“That’s fine.” Lorelai’s voice was firm. “I have a lot of shirts.”
Luke rolled his eyes to the ceiling. He hated this. He hated the fucking waiting room and he hated not knowing what was happening or even what time of day it was and he hated that there was absolutely nothing for him to do except sit like an idiot and say every stupid thing that entered his mind. His skin felt grimy, lightly crusted with a night’s worth of searching, anxiety, and horror. He would feel so much better if he could take a shower, or tear his flesh off with his fingernails.
A pretty, dark-haired nurse leaned around the corner. “Mr. Danes?”
Luke stood. “Yes. Me. I’m him.”
She stepped forward and Lorelai stood, too, her fingers lightly gripping Luke’s elbow. He wondered if she was aware of how much she sought physical contact for comfort.
“Hi, I’m Priscilla. I can take you to see Jess now if you’d like.”
“Yes, absolutely. Is he - he’s all right?”
Priscilla smiled and glanced at Lorelai, who tugged on Luke’s sleeve. “Why don’t you go on ahead?” she offered. “I’ll hang out here for a little bit and check in on you later.”
Luke nodded, although he didn’t like the idea of having to face Jess alone. He was sure that he was going to fall apart at any moment, but having Lorelai near helped calm him. Apart from that, he was irrationally afraid that Jess would be angry with him, would hate him, would accuse Luke of failing him. He had failed Jess, but he didn’t think he could hold up under Jess’ incrimination. Not yet.
He followed Priscilla, rubbing his sweating hands against his jeans. “We’re still going to keep him for a while,” she said, “just to make sure there’s nothing more wrong than we think. He’s disoriented and seems confused about certain information, but that might not necessarily be related to a head injury.” She stopped at the end of the hallway and turned to Luke.
“So far, he’s exhibiting a lot of reluctance about the rape kit.” The world lurched again at those words and Luke had to put out a hand to steady himself. “The last thing we want to do is pressure him into something that would feel like another violation, but maybe you could just discuss it with him. We don’t have to report it to the police, but if he does decide to press charges, it’s invaluable. Frankly, the guy’ll probably get away without repercussion if we don’t have physical evidence.”
Luke swallowed hard and nodded, still not following everything she was saying. Not report it? That was insane. Of course they would report it.
He was still reeling when Priscilla showed him to Jess’ door. “He’s sensitive to the light, so we’re keeping most of them off. Just let us know if you need anything.” She touched his arm lightly and walked away.
Jess looked terrible, which Luke supposed was what he expected, although he never thought Jess could look so frail. He sat up in his bed, head bowed, hands unmoving on either side of his lap. Even in the dim light, Luke saw bruises forming on his face, disturbing little circles the size of fingertips spanning his jawline. The circles under his eyes set the pallor of his skin into sharp relief.
What was most unsettling, though, were the bandages on Jess’ wrists. Luke knew what they were for; he had tugged the belt away from Jess’ skin and seen the cuts when they were fresh. At the time, they were horrifying, they had made him want to shatter windows with Ted’s face, but now they were sinister. Combined with the blank, haunted look in Jess’ bruised eyes and under the dim hospital lighting, swaddled in pristine gauze, the wounds looked to Luke like foreshadowing, like horrible things yet to come, like bloody bathwater.
Luke sat beside him, and so far, Jess hadn’t acknowledged his presence. “You look awful,” Luke blurted.
Jess lifted his eyes without moving his head. “Really. Because I feel super.”
Luke spread his hands helplessly. “I’m sorry. I have no idea what I’m saying.”
“Seriously, find me a marathon to run.” The biting words were familiar, but the tone was flat.
“Jess, stop. I’m sorry. Please stop it.”
Jess ducked his head and shifted his shoulders in a half-shrug. He picked at the bandage on his wrist and Luke felt the heavy weight of dread hit him in the stomach again. As though reading his thoughts, Jess said, “People are gonna think I tried to commit suicide.”
Luke shook his head, although he wasn’t sure what he was denying. People might very well say that. He could see it in his head, families clustering at tables in the diner, staring and stage-whispering and clucking their tongues. “They won’t,” he said anyway.
Jess kept going like he didn’t hear Luke. “I wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea about the sort of freak I am. Sad, suicidal, angry teenager. It’s just so cliché.”
“You’re not a freak,” Luke said softly, but, again, Jess didn’t seem to notice that he was talking. He just stared at his thumbs and twiddled them occasionally.
Again - and Luke wondered if there was something wrong with him that made his speech center bypass his brain and go straight to his mouth, the way he kept speaking without knowing what he was about to say - Luke blurted, “Priscilla said you don’t want to do the rape kit. Thing.” That was sort of funny, calling the nurse by her first name as though they were all old friends.
Jess’ eyes shot up to Luke’s, but Luke was looking at the carpet. He didn’t know how to follow that up.
“That’s my business,” Jess said. He sounded like he was trying to be firm, angry, but his voice was very small, very young.
Luke looked up again, but now Jess was staring at his lap. He took a deep breath, determined on this point. “It’s mine, too. The nurse said that Ted,” and here Jess shuddered, “probably won’t get a conviction without physical evidence. I know you don’t want that, but even if you tell me you don’t care, I do. If I ever see that man again, I will kill him. If I find out he isn’t getting jail time, I’m going to hunt him down and murder him. Now, I don’t really mind doing that, but I’d prefer not to spend the rest of my life in prison for that pile of shit.”
Jess turned his head away. For the longest time, Luke thought he was going to say something, to try to argue the point with Luke, but he was simply quiet, unmoving except for the smallest tics in his fingers and jaw. Eventually, he leaned back and scratched absently at the dried bile on his cheek. “I puked on him.”
Luke snorted. “Good.” He met Jess’ eyes for the first time since coming in the room, and a corner of Jess’ mouth pulled up in a grimace-smile.
“I did the first time, too. Pretty weird, the things that’ll set off your gag reflex.”
Luke couldn’t breathe. The first time. His head swam and spots jumped in front of his eyes and he wondered blearily if this was what fainting felt like.
Of course he figured out it was possible, even probable, but he’d been able to put it together without actually having to confront the reality of it. His mind just kept sliding past the inevitable solution to the equation until Jess forced him to face it. His eyes stung and he rested his face in his hands, breathing deeply.
He hadn’t known, he told himself. There was no way he could have known, no way he could have done anything because he hadn’t been there and no one expected him to be. He had no idea. How many years of Jess’ life did he know nothing about? How many times had Jess been hurt or scared and had no one? Luke was suffocating. It was as though the floor had dropped away to reveal the vacuum of space, a huge world Luke hadn’t known was there but was sucking him in.
There was a gentle tapping on the doorframe and Luke turned to see Lorelai, looking anxious. She smiled at Luke and waved awkwardly at Jess.
“Hey, Jess. I just wanted to check in. Make sure you’re all right.”
Jess crossed his arms over his abdomen, staring at his knees. “Great,” he croaked. He rolled his eyes and muttered “sorry” a moment later.
Lorelai shook her head, though Jess didn’t see it. “Did you guys need anything? At all? I’ll get anything you need, you know. A nurse, a doctor, coffee that tastes like piss. I could probably break into a supply closet and steal you more pillows.” She hovered in the doorway, clenching and unclenching her hands.
Luke shook his head. He’d offer to let her come in the room, but he didn’t think Jess would be as thankful for the intrusion as he was. “That’s a nice offer, but I’m set.”
“Are you sure? I thought you might want to try to get some sleep in here, and the chairs don’t look super comfortable.”
Luke shifted, running his hands along the armrests of his chair. “I hadn’t thought about sleeping,” he admitted. “But I don’t think I’m going to.”
She nodded, a little frantically. “Jess?”
He wouldn’t meet her eyes. She looked back to Luke and mouthed “sorry.” He shook his head.
“OK, well, maybe I’ll hunt some down for myself, then. I should be in the waiting room if you need me for anything.” She started to go when Jess spoke.
“Lorelai, wait.”
She turned so quickly she almost fell over. “Yes?”
Jess glanced nervously between her and the floor. His eyes darted over to Luke once or twice but he didn’t speak, and Luke got the impression that maybe he didn’t want him there for whatever he was going to ask Lorelai. Luke didn’t want to go, though, and he was having so much trouble understanding everything around him that he didn’t want to assume anything and leave the two of them alone when it might be the last thing Jess wanted.
Lorelai cautiously stepped closer to the bed. Jess looked at her face but quickly dropped his gaze to his feet.
“Jess?” she prompted softly. “Sweetie, if you need anything, anything in the world, all you need to do is ask me.”
His jaw clenched. Luke really believed he wouldn’t say anything and that Lorelai would relentlessly offer her assistance to his mute nephew until a doctor or a nurse or the apocalypse came and spared them all.
Finally, between gritted teeth, Jess said, “Please don’t tell.”
Lorelai jumped like someone had given her an electrical shock. Jess glanced at her again and grabbed handfuls of bed sheets.
“Have you told anyone?” Luke could barely hear him.
“No,” she breathed. “I haven’t told anyone, and of course I won’t. I won’t.”
Jess sighed heavily and closed his eyes. “Anyone,” he repeated. “Don’t tell anyone.”
Lorelai swallowed hard. “Jess, I promise you. I won’t tell anybody.” Her voice was quiet and serious, and it dawned on Luke at last that both of them were talking about Rory. He felt suddenly like he was trespassing on their conversation.
Jess nodded and unclenched his hands, rubbing his palms against his thighs. “Thank you,” he said thickly, biting his lip, and it looked to Luke like he was only just keeping his emotions in check.
Lorelai saw it too. She was at his side in a moment, putting her arms around him in a gesture so unexpected even Luke startled. Jess’ breathing hitched and Lorelai pressed a kiss to his temple.
“Lorelai.” Jess’ tone was warning, pleading. She gave his shoulders one last, quick squeeze and let go. She didn’t look at Luke as she walked out the door.
As soon as she was gone, Jess pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and took deep, uneven breaths. Luke stood, unsure whether his comfort would be welcome, but needing to give it more than he cared if Jess would accept it. He put a hand on Jess’ back and Jess gave a little jump.
He pulled his knees up to his chest and rubbed fiercely at the bridge of his nose. He made a couple of frustrated noises as he struggled to regulate his breathing in gasps that shook with the fine tremors running through his body. Luke saw tears on his cheeks and his fingers pulled together, grabbing a fistful of Jess’ hospital gown. He wanted to hold him so badly, but he didn’t know how.
Jess turned to Luke, eyes red and wet and blinking furiously. “Luke,” he gasped. “Could you go?”
“What?” He hadn’t considered that Jess wouldn’t want him to stay. It was unbearable in Jess’ hospital room and Luke hated himself for his inability to be strong enough for Jess, to be the one who could take the weight of his burdens onto his shoulders and be able to support Jess as well. As it was, he was barely holding himself together and he kept wishing someone would help him. Some small part of him was relieved at the opportunity for escape Jess was offering.
Jess put his elbows on his knees and pressed his face into his hands. “Could you get - get a doctor or something please. I need to talk to a doctor. I need you to go.”
He rubbed gentle circles on Jess’ back and considered telling him “no” for a moment. Jess rocked forward, pulling away from Luke’s touch.
“Sure,” he said quietly, drawing his hand back to his side.
---
Luke only met Ted the one time. It was in early summer of the year he and Rachel were officially ending, although they had a difficult time actually ending. They never said the words to each other: “it’s over,” but every time she left, Luke assumed she wasn’t coming back. She would show up unannounced throughout the winter of the next year and seemed content to expect Luke to be there, at the diner, whenever she missed him too much. They carried on like that until Luke dug up his resolve and asked her only to come back when she knew she was going to stay, and he wouldn’t see her again for years.
But they were still together that June, although she was on another trip, sending him postcards that were pictures she developed herself and scribbled messages on the back of, things like This takes my breath away, but it’s not beautiful without you here or Did I tell you I adore you before I left? I adore you. And I think I left my favorite shirt behind or just signed with her name. Reading the spidery scratch of her handwriting from so far away made him ache.
So he was lonely and restless when Liz called him out of the blue. He hadn’t heard from her in a while and was certain she would need a favor, that something was wrong, but she sounded healthy and chipper. In the middle of something Luke was saying, she cut in with, “Hey Luke, do you wanna take Jess for about a week? Camping? He’s got nothing to do this break and I think he’d like to see you.”
Luke was mildly flattered at that, although he wondered what the kid could possibly find appealing about hanging out with his uncle in a small town, especially now that he was getting older. It used to be so easy to entertain Jess, just sit him in front of the television and buy some of those single-serving sugary cereals and give him a sleeping bag on the floor and he was delighted. He didn’t see his nephew very often, but the last time they were together, Luke was already feeling the awkward distance of adolescence coming between them.
He agreed, though, glad himself for the excuse to take a vacation. He was increasingly edgy, and it was getting to the point where his gruffness was no longer charming to anyone, and his patrons and staff were generally steering clear of him. He couldn’t clearly remember the last time he’d seen Jess in person, didn’t even really know if the kid enjoyed camping or fishing. He had no idea when he’d get a chance to do it in New York.
Liz told him to expect Jess the following Saturday around noon, and while Luke thought it was strange that Liz would drive all the way out to Stars Hollow just to drop Jess off, he was glad she didn’t even suggest that Luke come to New York to pick him up. He hated driving into the city.
Luke was mostly packed and organizing some last details in the diner when Jess arrived, entering the diner with a nervous look around at the people who were all suddenly looking at him, and then at Luke, and then back at him. He ducked his head and went straight for the counter. Luke scanned the street for Liz’s car, but didn’t see it anywhere. Maybe she’d gotten a new one.
“Hey, Jess.”
“Hey, Uncle Luke.”
Luke sighed. He wasn’t sure why Jess always called him “Uncle Luke,” as though he knew fifty guys named Luke and had to differentiate between them somehow. He carried a bag half his own size slung over one shoulder and held a rolled-up paperback in his curled fingers.
“Where’s your mom?”
Jess’ eyes narrowed and he glanced around in confusion. “New York?”
“What?”
“Where we live?”
Luke and Jess stared at each other.
“How did you get here?”
“I took the bus.” Luke gaped. “Uncle Luke, is everything OK?”
Luke pressed his hands against his temples. “She sent you on a bus? Alone. From New York.”
Jess paused uncertainly. “Yes.”
Luke slammed a hand against the counter and Jess took a step back, readjusting his grip on his bag. “I can’t believe her! I thought when she said you’d be here around noon, she’d be dropping you off!” He rubbed his chin angrily. “I could have at least met you at the bus stop if I’d have known.”
“But it’s just down the street.”
“But you’re nine!”
“I’m ten. Eleven in two months.”
Luke balked. “You’re ten?”
“Yes.”
“You’re so small.”
Jess’ face darkened, his brows drawing a straight line over his eyes. He huffed and turned his head away.
“Either way, she shouldn’t have done that. I’m calling your mom.”
Jess looked at him, alarmed. “Why?”
“She can’t do stuff like this! It’s so irresponsible. And it’s not even just her being irresponsible with her own safety, it’s yours!” As he spoke, Luke grabbed the phone from its cradle and started to dial.
“I’m fine, though. You don’t have to call her.”
Luke just shot Jess a stern look, which didn’t seem to faze the kid much. He cursed his sister under his breath while the phone rang. As he was preparing to leave an angry message on her answering machine, she picked up.
“Hello!” Her voice was breezy and carefree, which made Luke angrier. For all she knew or cared, he could have been the police calling to say they found Jess’ body in a ditch somewhere because she stuck him unattended on public transportation.
“Liz,” he intoned, with as much foreboding as he could summon.
“Luke! Oh, great, hi, Luke! Is Jess there?”
“Yes, Jess is here, and he’s in one piece, no thanks to you.”
“What?”
“You just put him on a bus, Liz! By himself!”
She snorted. “Oh, shpfff, it’s fine! He’s done it before!”
Luke’s jaw worked. “That doesn’t prove anything except that your mothering skills have been questionable for a while, instead of since just recently.”
Liz actually laughed at him. “What do you know about it?” She didn’t sound even a little bit defensive, and it was really pissing Luke off. “And he got there, didn’t he? He’s a smart kid.”
“Smart doesn’t have anything to do with it; he’s ten!” Luke thought he heard Jess grumble at that, but he ignored it.
“Luke, it’s done. What’s the point of getting angry about it? And, hey, thanks again for agreeing to take him camping. Ted and I really appreciate getting some time to ourselves.”
That stopped Luke entirely. “Ted? Who’s Ted?”
“Oh, he’s my fella.” He winced at the wistful tone. “Haven’t I mentioned him before?”
“No, Liz, you haven’t.”
“He’s just amazing. I think you’d really like him! You should meet him sometime.” Right. Amazing, incredible, so different this time, you two would be such great friends. By Liz’s description, this guy sounded exactly like every other guy she’d been with.
“Well, I’ll get to this weekend, because I’m driving Jess back to New York.”
“Why? His ticket’s round-trip.”
Luke knew that smashing the phone against his forehead wouldn’t help the situation, but it was still tempting. “I’m sorry you wasted your money, but I am driving him back home, and that’s final.”
“All right, if you’re sure. Have a great time camping! Oh, and thanks again! See you Sunday!” She hung up before he could fit in another word. He sighed and glared at the phone for a moment before hanging it back up.
He turned to Jess, who was still standing in front of the counter, eyeing his surroundings warily. Maybe half of the diner’s patrons were openly watching him, and he shifted uncomfortably, hunching his shoulders. Luke sighed. Getting on a bus to take a long trip by himself didn’t seem to bother the kid at all, but he looked ready to bolt when confronted with the notice of strangers.
“Jess,” Luke prompted gently. “Do you want to take your stuff upstairs?”
“Yes,” was the quick reply. Luke led the way, pulling back the curtain for Jess, who darted up the stairs after giving his uncle another nervous look.
The apartment looked smaller with all their camping gear in a pile in the middle of the floor. Jess dropped his one bag beside it and approached one of the tackle boxes curiously.
“Ever been camping before?”
“No.”
“Great! It’ll be fun.” Jess nodded unenthusiastically. “I’ve just got to get a couple more things wrapped up downstairs before we go. Shouldn’t take very long. So you can just… hang out up here if you want. I’ve got a TV.” Luke pointed to it helpfully, as though Jess couldn’t see it for himself or sat on that same couch and watched it before.
“Thanks.”
Luke nodded. He scanned the apartment quickly for anything Jess might get into that he wasn’t supposed to, feeling a mix of anxiety and sadness when he saw Rachel’s postcards on the fridge door. He didn’t know why thinking of her made him uneasy of late. They called at least every other day and they were in love and he couldn’t picture himself with anyone else, even with her in her vast spaces and him in his one-room apartment. Maybe he just missed her. Getting away from the diner, from phones, would be a good thing.
The camping and fishing grounds were a three-hour drive away. It had never seemed longer to Luke than that trip with Jess, who tapped his fingers against his knees and watched the scenery pass by but offered no conversation. Luke tried to chat, but he was very bad at small talk and he gladly let the truck descend into silence when Jess shrugged and gave monosyllabic responses to Luke’s questions. It was pretty amazing that Jess was Liz’s son. It didn’t seem like he’d inherited any of her looks or personality, and Luke liked to think that was a good thing.
They were quiet for most of the journey through unloading the truck and all the way to setting up the gear at the bank of the lake. Jess disinterestedly watched Luke’s demonstration of the fishing pole and how to cast the line. They sat side-by-side in little uncomfortable chairs, and, after maybe an hour of uncomfortable quiet, Luke tried to get Jess to talk again.
“So. How’s your mom?”
Jess’ mouth quirked. “She’s good.”
“That’s good. So you’re all good?”
“Yes.”
“So, she’s got a new boyfriend, huh?”
Jess eyed Luke suspiciously. “Yes.”
“He’s an OK guy?”
He shrugged. “Sure, he’s fine.”
“He’s not. I don’t know. Weird.” Luke wasn’t sure how to ask Jess if his mother’s boyfriend was an alcoholic asshole. Not that there was much Luke could do about it if Jess said yes.
“Weird? Weird how? Weird like these questions are weird?”
That took Luke off guard. Jess spoke so little that Luke assumed he just didn’t have anything to say. It didn’t even occur to him that Jess might be growing up to be a wiseass.
“No, weird, like…. Does he treat you guys OK? Does he have a job, does he have suspicious friends with scars and eye patches?”
Jess looked horrified. “Eye patches?” Luke scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably. Jess was only ten. It wasn’t fair that he could get the upper hand in conversations with so little effort. “Ted’s fine,” Jess said. “He’s got a job, and, as far as I know, he isn’t friends with any pirates.”
“So he’s a great guy. He’s wonderful, he’s charming, he’s different. ‘The one.’” Luke wasn’t quite sure why he was being so aggressive about this with Jess. It wasn’t as though Jess picked his mother’s boyfriends, but he was still irritated with her and wanted someone to validate his feelings about how consistently and frequently she made terrible decisions. Now that he’d brought her up, he kept thinking about her blithe disregard for Jess’ safety and Luke’s concern.
Jess shrugged awkwardly. “I dunno,” he mumbled. “Mom likes him a lot.” Luke snorted and Jess shot him an aggravated glance. “He remembers how old I am and everything.”
“Hey! I remember how old you are.” It was Jess’ turn to scoff. “I was just confused earlier because I was angry at your mom and you are - are deceptively short.” It was supposed to be an excuse, something better than actually forgetting how old his nephew was, but Luke knew he’d said the wrong thing as soon as it was out of his mouth.
Jess’ expression was thunderous. He turned away from Luke, set down his fishing pole, and dug under his seat for his bag. He pulled out a paperback - Luke thought it was different from the one he’d been reading on the ride here, but he couldn’t be sure - and huddled over it, flipping it open. The gesture and the body language were clear. He was angry with Luke and he was going to sulk.
After that, Luke couldn’t think of much to say to Jess, and Jess was clearly not inclined to conversation. He felt a little bad for coming down so hard on Liz and her new boyfriend to Jess - the kid didn’t need to hear about it, not from him, and not when he had to live with those whackjobs. Luke really needed to work on his tact. He just wasn’t used to holding in his opinions if he felt them strongly, and especially if those opinions were about his sister.
Every now and then, he’d try to strike up a conversation that would inevitably fall flat after a couple of sentences. Once, he tapped Jess’ knee and pointed out to the water. “Look, Jess, a Horned Grebe.”
Jess looked up from his book to Luke and then to the bird. His expression didn’t register any surprise or interest. “It looks like an insane duck,” he said flatly.
Luke nodded. “It’s a grebe.”
Jess lifted his eyebrows and looked back at his uncle. “Cool,” he said after a long moment. “Thanks.” He went back to his book immediately.
He let himself relax and focus on fishing. It was a beautiful, calm day, and watching the sunlight play on the water brought Luke a sense of peace he rarely felt. If Jess was happy reading his book and Luke was happy fishing, even if they weren’t interacting with each other, who was he to complain?
Jess remained remote until Luke caught his first fish - a bass, huge, the length of Jess’ arm. The kid’s eyes bugged, and he jerked away from it as it flapped desperately in Luke’s grasp.
“Shit!” he yelled, and Luke was torn between amusement at his shock and concern at his language. He decided to ignore it in favor of being impressive; he wrestled the fish into relative submission and held it out for Jess to touch. Jess reached tentative fingers to it, his wide eyes fixed on its gills, opening and closing in futile gasps. Luke noted with pride that Jess’ book was forgotten, open at his feet where he dropped it.
They threw it back because it was too big, but after that, Jess paid more attention to his uncle and to the curious ripples in the water. He didn’t pick up his own fishing pole again that day, although he did perk up any time Luke reeled something in. Luke was eventually successful, catching three usable fish for their dinner.
The best part of their trip was when Luke showed Jess how to clean a fish. He was still and attentive, his mouth set and gaze focused on Luke’s hands. He didn’t even react when Luke scooped the fish’s guts out.
“You want to try?” he offered, holding out the knife and another fish. Jess looked up at him, obviously a little surprised, but he agreed readily. Luke sat back and watched, not really concerned about whether Jess would mangle it. The fish Luke already cleaned was plenty of food for the two of them for that night. Jess was careful, though, meticulous in a way that impressed Luke. When he was done, he frowned at the fillet he made. It was far from perfect, but it was a lot better than Luke expected.
“I missed a lot of meat,” Jess said, poking at it sullenly.
Luke ran a finger over it. “But you got out almost all of the bones. You did a really good job.”
Jess’ eyebrows went up minutely and Luke thought he saw a whisper of a smile. “It’s OK,” he conceded.
For the rest of the trip, they didn’t achieve the same level of comfort as they had during that lesson. Jess fished very little, but seemed content to just sit on the bank beside Luke and read. Luke thought at first the books were just a convenient way of avoiding conversation with him, but after observing Jess for a while, he realized Jess was fully absorbed in the activity. He had the same look of immersed attention while he read as he had when he’d watched Luke clean and fillet the fish. Liz never mentioned that Jess was such a bookworm. Of course, Liz didn’t offer up a lot of important information about her son.
The drive back to New York wasn’t terrible, at least not in terms of Jess’ attitude. He didn’t talk much, but he seemed much more relaxed around Luke, less defensive. He even volunteered to take a lot of the camping equipment back up to the apartment and, as he was climbing into Luke’s truck, thanked him for driving him back home.
The drive itself, as in, the physical act of driving to New York, was terrible. Luke hated the crazy aggressive drivers and the stupid streets and the angry pedestrians. Jess had to help him navigate toward the end of the journey, especially since Liz had moved to a new apartment in the last few months and Luke was completely unfamiliar with the area.
It was actually much nicer than Luke was expecting, and the apartment building itself, while certainly not new, was clean and secure. Jess opened the door for them and insisted on carrying his own bag. Luke smiled at the kid’s insistence on being self-sufficient and marveled at how much his mood had improved even since the previous day. He still didn’t talk much, but he smiled a lot and even joked around a bit.
“This was fun,” Luke said, even though he wasn’t convinced it had been, not completely. “Maybe we could do it again for a weekend or something.”
“Sure,” Jess replied, not meeting his eyes.
The apartment was very clean, too, which went against Luke’s memory of the way Liz kept her house. What was really unexpected, though, was the man standing in the kitchen, leaning heavily against the counter and drinking a cup of coffee. His face lit up when he saw Luke and Jess.
“Jess!” he called, like he was announcing the arrival of a celebrity. “It’s been so long I forgot what you looked like.”
“Not long enough for me to forget your ugly face,” Jess retorted, and the man, who Luke had to assume was Ted, laughed easily.
“Catch anything?”
“Nope.”
Ted grinned into his cup. “Excellent.” He held out his hand and Jess high-fived it as he walked by. Ted watched him until he was in his bedroom and then turned back to Luke.
“How about you?”
“Huh?” Luke had been so distracted trying to scrutinize this Ted guy that he forgot the conversation.
Ted’s lip quirked. “Catch anything?”
“Yeah,” Luke replied.
Ted watched him expectantly, clearly waiting for Luke to continue with his story, but Luke was in no mood to make small talk with his sister’s latest - and very likely transient - boyfriend. As it became obvious that Luke wasn’t going to talk, Ted glanced away uncomfortably and his shoulders drew together.
He was tall - probably a couple of inches taller than Luke, although he couldn’t be sure with the way the guy was slumping against the counter. There was nothing obviously, physically wrong with him - no suspicious scars or eye patches, Luke thought ruefully. He had no idea what had come over him to make him go on that rant with Jess.
“I’m Ted, by the way,” the guy said, holding out a hand. “Edward. Kepner.”
Luke shook his hand briefly, firmly, and nodded. “Luke.”
“Yeah,” Ted laughed, a little nervous. “Anyway, uh. Thanks.”
“Oh, no problem. It’s always great spending time with Jess.” Luke grimaced inwardly. He meant it, but for some reason it sounded phony.
Ted looked genuinely surprised. “Oh, yeah, I know. No, I mean for driving him home. I know traffic’s a beast around here, but I really appreciate you didn’t put him on the bus. I would’ve driven him there if I’d known, but Lizzie didn’t mention it. I thought you guys arranged a rendez-vous at a halfway point or something. I was shocked when I heard. Those two are nuts!” He pointed toward Jess’ room. “Sticking a kid on a bus by himself? But they both act like, ‘No big deal, he’s ten.’ It’s crazy!”
“Oh,” Luke said dismissively. “It’s no problem at all.” He was beginning to feel a little bad for being brusque earlier. “Hey, where is my sister?”
“She’s out shopping,” Ted said with a little smile, like it was a joke Luke was supposed to get.
“So… you live here?”
Ted’s eyebrows dipped. “Yes.” He pushed away from the counter to rinse his cup in the sink. “This is my place. Liz’s name’s on the lease now, but, huh. Yeah.”
“Oh.” He wondered why Jess hadn’t said anything. “Liz did not mention that.”
Ted laughed, but it sounded forced. “She can be forgetful.”
Just then, the door opened. Luke hadn’t moved far inside the apartment and had to move away quickly to avoid being either hit by the door or run over by his sister. She had a big garment bag in her hand.
“Hellooo - Oh! Luke!” She yanked him into a hug even as he was gathering his bearings. “It’s so good to see you! You look so good!” He doubted she’d actually looked at him before embracing.
“Thanks, thanks,” he said, trying to gently pull out of her hold. She cupped his chin in her hands and squished his cheeks, ginning. He swatted her hand away. Usually, Luke was most aggravated with his sister when she was making terrible decisions and expecting him to bail her out. He’d forgotten how irritating she could be when she was happy.
“How are you? How’s Rachel?”
“She’s fine,” he glossed, really not wanting to get into the details of his relationship with his sister.
Liz gasped. “Oh, she left you? Ugh, I’m so sorry.” She stuck out her bottom lip in exaggerated sympathy. On anyone else, it would be sarcasm, but that was just the way Liz was. “You liked her so much. So did I! She was beautiful.”
“She didn’t leave; well, I mean, she left, like, she’s not in Stars Hollow. She’s away on business and she’s coming back home. Our home, where we live together, because we’re fine.” He took a deep breath and quietly hated his inability to do anything but ramble when he wanted to be succinct.
“All right,” Liz said, clearly unconvinced or unconcerned. “So, you boys have met?” She slid over to Ted, wrapping her arms around his middle. Ted looked slightly abashed, but put an arm over her shoulder and kissed her forehead.
“Yes, just now.” Luke swung his arms awkwardly at his sides. He hoped they didn’t invite him for dinner.
“Hey,” said Ted, pointing to the bag in her hand. “You find something?”
She took a step away to lift her arms in victory. “Oh! I did! And it’s beautiful and wonderful but you can’t see it yet! You are going to die.”
He smiled. “I can’t even imagine.”
“What’d you get?” Luke wasn’t sure why he asked. He couldn’t think of a lot of things he cared about less than what Liz bought while she was out, leaving him alone to meet a total stranger and have uncomfortable conversations in the man’s kitchen.
Her jaw dropped and she put her hands to her chest just as Jess was walking out of his room. He was already reading a book and didn’t acknowledge any of the adults in the kitchen as he entered the living room. Liz punched Luke’s arm lightly. “Oh, man! I can’t believe I forgot to tell you!” She put her hand in front of his face, revealing a slim gold band with a diamond chip. “We’re getting married!”
Luke stared at her. “Liz, can we talk?” He shot a look at Ted, who was already sidling out of the room.
“Gonna go check out some stuff over here,” he muttered, pointing vaguely at the hallway. Luke heard him walk into the living room and start up a conversation with Jess.
Liz sighed. “Come on, Luke, don’t tell me you’re not happy about this. Don’t be like that this time. I wanna be excited. I just bought my dress.” Her tone was light but imploring.
“Don’t be like what? Like you just announced that you’re getting married to a guy I’ve never met before and who I didn’t even know existed until a week ago?” He lowered his voice. “Does Jess even know?”
She laughed. “Of course he knows! He’s known for ages. He’s excited.” She said the last part with a shrug, as though she didn’t really believe it herself.
Luke rubbed his cheek thoughtfully. “He didn’t tell me.”
“He’s ten.”
“Eleven in two months,” Luke added quietly. He ran the last week over in his mind and an ache bloomed in his stomach. He had immediately put Jess on guard with the talk about Liz’s irresponsibility and insinuations about Ted. Why would Jess have shared anything about his home life with Luke? They hadn’t really talked at all, but Luke had been considering the trip, on the whole, a fairly successful bonding experience with his nephew.
“Congratulations, Liz.” He looked her in the eye as he said it, trying to mean it. Her smile widened and she tossed her head.
“Aww, thanks, Luke. The ceremony’s not even really gonna be a ceremony. We’re just getting married by a justice of the peace.” She leaned in conspiratorially. “Ted’s family’s not coming. They aren’t very supportive.” She made a face and Luke wondered if that was directed at him. Sometimes it was difficult to tell if Liz was being passive aggressive or just obtuse. “It’s in September. Wanna come?”
“We’ll see.”
“Yeah. Thanks again for hanging out with Jess. I know he loves it. He loves you.” Luke hated that it sounded like Liz was trying to reassure him.
He nodded. “I’ll just say bye to him and go.”
“OK. I’m gonna put this in my room!” She shook the garment bag at him and practically skipped away.
Luke leaned around the wall to look into the living room. Jess’ feet were visible on the arm of the couch and Ted was sitting on a chair nearby. He glanced up and smiled.
“Oh, you going?”
“Yep. It was nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, you too.” Ted opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, but snapped it shut quickly. He turned to the couch and poked at Jess’ head. “Hey. Say bye to your uncle.”
Jess sat up, draping his arms over the back of the couch. “Bye, Uncle Luke,” he said. “Thanks for taking me camping. And for teaching me how to gut a fish.”
“Sure,” Luke replied. Jess flopped back down immediately and Ted sent Luke an apologetic look. He could almost hear the excuse: he’s ten. He hardly talked to you all week because he’s ten, he didn’t tell you his mother’s getting married because he’s ten, he doesn’t care that you’re leaving because he’s ten. Luke couldn’t wait for what puberty would bring.
Luke left, telling himself he should have known better to expect anything different from Liz. Every time he spent time with her or talked to her, he came away frustrated and bitter. He shook off the feeling that Jess’ distance had more to do with Luke than with Jess’ age or the infrequency of their interaction, or tried to.
September rolled by and Luke remembered that Liz was getting married, but she hadn’t specified a date and he didn’t ask. Two weeks into October, he got a card in the mail containing a picture of Liz and Ted on their wedding day. They were dressed nicely but not formally, standing beneath a tree with red-gold leaves. They looked happy, grinning at the camera. Jess stood just in front of them, smiling crookedly, and Liz and Ted both had a hand on either of his shoulders.
--
Luke walked back to the waiting room in a daze. Lorelai made an abortive move to get up when she saw him coming, perching instead on the edge of her chair.
“That was fast,” she said.
“Can I borrow your phone?”
“Huh?”
“I need to call Liz,” he said, only aware of his conviction to tell his sister as he was saying the words. “She needs to know what’s going on.”
Lorelai held the phone out to him tentatively and he thanked her. Compared to the dim lighting in Jess’ room, the fluorescent glare of the waiting room was blinding. He blinked away the blurry edges of his vision as he dialed. It occurred to him as the phone rang that he didn’t know what time it was. It could be three a.m., could be ten.
It was evidently before Liz got up, because she answered on the last ring before the answering machine. It sounded like she dropped the phone. He heard a muttered “shit” and then her tired sigh.
“Hello?”
He had no idea what he was going to say. In a detached part of his mind, he was aware that he was furious with Liz, but he wasn’t even sure why anymore. “Liz.”
“What? Who’s - Luke?”
“Liz,” he said again, gutteral.
Her breath hitched. “Luke, what’s wrong? Is - is it Jess?”
Yes it is. Your ex-husband paid him a visit tonight like he did six years ago and I never knew about it, and now Jess is in a hospital room looking like he’s gone and I can’t reach him and there’s no way I can do this, how can I do this, how can I be enough for him?
What he said instead was “Ted,” and that was all he needed to say, because Liz was crying before the word was completely formed. He had no idea how she knew, but he didn’t have to explain. She was sobbing and apologizing and it was a horrible sound, scratchy and garbling through the connection.
He wanted to yell at her. He wanted to get furious and scream and punch through walls and demand explanations. It would be such a welcome release. Luke opened his mouth to speak, but the only thing that came out was a gentle, “Liz.” He couldn’t bring himself to do it, either too exhausted or too sorry for her. She cried and he repeated her name until he heard a click and the static of dead air.
Luke pulled the phone away and stared at the blank screen. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting her reaction to be, but hanging up on him came as something of a surprise. He handed the phone back to Lorelai, who looked at him with open confusion.
“Luke,” she started, but cut herself off as he sat heavily beside her. He didn’t turn to her as he spoke.
“That guy,” he said, surprised at how even his voice was, “was Ted Kepner. He was married to my sister about six years ago. After they were divorced, I just thought it was another one of Liz’s many bad relationship decisions. You can probably guess,” and he could hear Lorelai’s unsteady breathing, “why things ended.
“I didn’t know.” He stared down at his fingers, lightly coated with grime. “Jess said, ‘the first time.’ There was a first time. When he was eleven. And I had no idea. I don’t know how many times there have been. Lorelai, I’m coming apart.”
She put a hand on his back, between his shoulder blades, and rubbed little figure-eights there. He didn’t turn to her because he needed to say this, he needed to confess all his guilt, even if it wasn’t to Jess. He knew if he looked at Lorelai he wouldn’t finish.
“I kept trying to figure it out before. I was running it over and over in my head, what I could have done to stop Ted from getting into the diner, or how much quicker I would have needed to be, or where I would have needed to go in order to find Jess. Or how much sooner we could have gone back to stop everything right before it happened, and I think I came up with ten minutes, on the outside. I kept thinking, ‘Ten minutes, that’s nothing. It’s so unfair so much can go so wrong in ten minutes.’
“But that’s a lie. I was letting myself off easy. I needed to be much earlier than that, by at least six years. Ten to be safe. And I wasn’t there.”
He faced her at last, ready to accept whatever judgment she would offer. He expected, he wished for, her anger, a pointing finger and a cold Luke Danes, this was your fault, but there was no accusation in her sad clear eyes. She was crying, but so was he, because she used her free hand to cup his cheek, and with her thumb she brushed tears aside. Lorelai slid her arm across his back and held him, but she didn’t say anything to condemn or forgive. It was this last gesture of physical comfort that impacted Luke like a blow to the top of his skull, cleaving him in half. He crumbled, resting his head on her shoulder because he didn't have the strenght to hold it up. He cried and she cried and they sat together like that for a very long time.
Chapter 4
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9
There were fifty tiles in the ceiling of the waiting room. Five tiles per row, ten rows. Of course, the last row was cut off so only about three-quarters of the tiles showed, which made it technically, oh, forty eight and three-quarters. The dots on the tiles were too small to count without going cross-eyed, but that didn’t stop Luke from trying.
He was sitting beside Lorelai in an otherwise unoccupied room in the hospital, waiting to see Jess or hear something about him. Neither one of them was speaking, although every now and then they would say an awkward sentence or two and trail off. He still couldn’t process enough of what had happened that night to actually talk about it, and it seemed like Lorelai was in the same position.
He kept seeing the flashing emergency lights in his vision, how they came through the window and skipped over the walls of the apartment. The whole thing replayed on an endless loop in his mind, no matter how hard he tried to think of something else. The police officers all over the diner, the paramedic who leaned over Jess and shone lights in his eyes and tried to get him to speak. How Jess had finally seemed to see the man, only to convulse forward and throw up in his lap.
Luke and Lorelai had followed the ambulance to the hospital in his truck. Lorelai drove. Luke had gotten in the driver’s seat, put the keys in the ignition, and then stopped, dropping his hand into his lap. Lorelai watched him sit there, staring at the dash, and walked over to his door. She coaxed him from the truck and guided him to the passenger side.
“I’m OK,” Luke told her.
“I know,” she replied, and opened the door for him. He got in without protest. He wanted to thank her for driving, even though she clearly wasn’t comfortable in his car, but his jaw felt heavy and the thought of working it to speak seemed a tremendous effort. He hoped she knew how grateful he was for her presence, because he was sure it was something he could would never be able to properly convey. He was very glad that he had the wherewithal to get himself out of the truck by the time they got to the hospital. He couldn't imagine how embarrassing it would be if Lorelai had to open his door for him again.
They hadn’t seen Jess since then, having been escorted to this tiny, bleak waiting room with no view of the outside and no clock as far as Luke could tell. There was a box of tissues on every table. It made Luke uncomfortable, those handy reminders of grief. He knew Jess wasn't in critical condition but he couldn't help picturing other families sitting in these exact same seats, fumbling for tissues and sobbing.
He turned his attention to the television in the corner, on but muted, on what appeared to be an endless update on the weather. He considered asking Lorelai if she wanted to change the channel, but the idea of actually watching television was so ridiculous he couldn't bring himself to say the words. He just wanted to have something to do. Luke was opening his mouth to talk, although he wasn't sure what he was about to say, when a doctor approached. Lorelai straightened in her chair, poised and attentive.
“Mr. and Mrs. Mariano?”
“Yes?” she asked, before Luke could even open his mouth. He looked at her sideways and was about to tell her that this was really not the time to be cute, but she didn’t seem to even realize what she’d just said. She was just talking without thinking, which Luke could sympathize with, even though he seemed to have something of the opposite problem.
“Ah,” she cut in before the doctor could say anything. She looked nervously over at Luke and waved her hands in the air. “I mean. He is. Jess’ guardian. I’m not Mrs. Mariano - neither one of us is, actually, especially not him, for obvious reasons, and I’m gonna get some coffee, OK?” She stood, grabbing her cell phone off the table. “Luke?”
“No,” he muttered. “Thanks.”
She flashed the briefest of smiles at them before mouthing “OK” and walking briskly away. Luke didn’t mind, really. He liked that Lorelai was still being Lorelai - babbling and always on the lookout for coffee. It helped keep him anchored to reality. On principle, he wouldn’t have cared if she’d stayed for the doctor’s update, either, especially since he knew she was just worried, but he doubted Jess would want Lorelai to overhear the information Luke was about to receive. Luke was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear it.
He sighed, indicating with his chin that the doctor could proceed.
There wasn’t anything definite to hear yet, and Luke had a hard time following what the guy was saying. He understood that they suspected Jess had a concussion and wanted to keep him for observation. The doctor mentioned a couple of other procedures, but Luke missed most of what he said after “rape kit.” He nodded mutely through the rest of the man’s speech, bewildered.
After the doctor left, Luke leaned forward, resting his face in his hands and focusing on breathing. It was unreal; it had to be. Things like this didn’t happen, they hadn’t happened to his nephew in Luke’s apartment while he was less than a mile away.
Luke felt bile rising in his throat as he thought of the moment he’d realized how he recognized Jess’ attacker. He had been pressing his hands on the man’s shoulders, holding him to the floor and waiting for the police to arrive, when a vague memory floated to the front of his mind. There was a picture, somewhere, that he still had in the apartment, of a wedding on a fall day. Ted, he thought, surprised that he even remembered the man’s name. Liz’s third husband. He almost lost it then, thinking but not thinking of the implication there, if this thing had been in Jess’ life when Jess was eleven. Luke hadn’t been aware that he was leaning all of his weight onto his arms, crushing Ted, until Lorelai called his name and he saw that the man was choking for air. For maybe three seconds, Luke had considered how much trouble it would take to kill him then, and if he could get away with a diminished capacity defense, before releasing some of the pressure.
That was a lie, though, three seconds. He had wanted to do it for longer than that, he kept thinking about it even until the police came and had to physically pull him off Ted. He still wanted to, and a small part of him regretted that he hadn’t when he had the chance, the heat of the moment.
He didn’t know how long he sat like that, breathing in and out, before he heard Lorelai’s soft footsteps approach. He looked up and she nodded her head in greeting.
“Coffee!” she announced, holding up the cup in her hand. “And I know you won’t drink coffee, but I thought you needed - something. So I got you -” she paused dramatically and lifted her other hand, holding an identical paper cup.
Luke frowned at her, confused. “Coffee?”
“Tea! I hear that it’s good for you and has - leaves and grass and trees in it and - antioxidants.” He took the cup from her as she spoke.
“Thanks.”
“Oh, no. No problem. I’m just lucky there happened to be cash in the back pocket of these pants or I would have been screwed. Never go anywhere without a purse, Luke.”
He nodded and she sat next to him again, close enough that their legs were almost touching. Luke wasn’t sure if the proximity was for his comfort or hers. Lorelai was definitely shaken, and from the haunted look in her eyes, her restlessness and distractedness, she was feeling some of the same things he was.
She took a sip of her coffee and grimaced. “Ew. If this is any indication, your tea is terrible.”
“Thanks anyway.”
“Yeah.”
He tapped his thumbs against the lid of his cup, wondering how long it had been since the doctor left and when he’d be able to see Jess. Glad to have something to do apart from stare into space and make stilted conversation, he took a drink. He pulled his lips away from his teeth and sighed.
“This tastes like piss.”
Lorelai nodded emphatically.
“Who’d you call?”
“Hmm?”
“You took your phone with you earlier. When you went to get coffee. I thought maybe you called someone. I don’t know.”
“Oh. Yeah. I, uh, called Rory.” She swallowed and looked away.
He let out a soft “huh” sound. “What’d you say?”
“Well, she got all high-pitched and chirpy as soon as I said ‘at the hospital’ and she wouldn’t let me get a word in for a while, but eventually I let her know that there was a break-in at the diner and Jess was hurt but not fatally and that I didn’t know when I’d be home.”
“Did she sound OK?” Luke wasn’t usually big on talking just for the sake of saying things, but as long as he was speaking, he wasn’t counting the seconds since the last time he’d checked the time or thinking about what Jess was going through or what he had gone through. At some point, he would have to address all of that, but, for now, he allowed himself a reprieve.
“Yes, Luke, she’s fine.” Lorelai put a hand on his thigh and rubbed her fingertips on the denim lightly. He dropped his head to watch. She must have taken his look as disapproval, because she quickly drew her hand back to her own lap.
“What did the doctor say?” she asked, her voice unusually quivery.
“A lot of stuff, but not much made sense to me. They’re running some tests. I think they said he has a concussion. Maybe. And that the cuts on his arms look worse than they are.”
“They looked pretty bad.”
“And they’re just gonna… do a thorough examination to make sure they haven’t missed anything else.” He gestured lamely with his hands.
Lorelai’s mouth, already grim, thinned further. He’d seen the expression on her face when Luke finally let Ted go. The police officers had pulled him to his feet and Lorelai’s eyes had lingered on Ted’s unzipped fly. She’d looked like she was going to vomit, and he was pretty sure the only thing that kept her from it was the fact that she had still been supporting Jess. And he had been clinging to her, fingers twined tightly into her shirt.
Looking at her now, he could still see where Jess’s hands had been. The fabric was wrinkled and stretched and there were little smears of blood, grotesquely red-brown against the white.
“I think he ruined your shirt.”
“That’s fine.” Lorelai’s voice was firm. “I have a lot of shirts.”
Luke rolled his eyes to the ceiling. He hated this. He hated the fucking waiting room and he hated not knowing what was happening or even what time of day it was and he hated that there was absolutely nothing for him to do except sit like an idiot and say every stupid thing that entered his mind. His skin felt grimy, lightly crusted with a night’s worth of searching, anxiety, and horror. He would feel so much better if he could take a shower, or tear his flesh off with his fingernails.
A pretty, dark-haired nurse leaned around the corner. “Mr. Danes?”
Luke stood. “Yes. Me. I’m him.”
She stepped forward and Lorelai stood, too, her fingers lightly gripping Luke’s elbow. He wondered if she was aware of how much she sought physical contact for comfort.
“Hi, I’m Priscilla. I can take you to see Jess now if you’d like.”
“Yes, absolutely. Is he - he’s all right?”
Priscilla smiled and glanced at Lorelai, who tugged on Luke’s sleeve. “Why don’t you go on ahead?” she offered. “I’ll hang out here for a little bit and check in on you later.”
Luke nodded, although he didn’t like the idea of having to face Jess alone. He was sure that he was going to fall apart at any moment, but having Lorelai near helped calm him. Apart from that, he was irrationally afraid that Jess would be angry with him, would hate him, would accuse Luke of failing him. He had failed Jess, but he didn’t think he could hold up under Jess’ incrimination. Not yet.
He followed Priscilla, rubbing his sweating hands against his jeans. “We’re still going to keep him for a while,” she said, “just to make sure there’s nothing more wrong than we think. He’s disoriented and seems confused about certain information, but that might not necessarily be related to a head injury.” She stopped at the end of the hallway and turned to Luke.
“So far, he’s exhibiting a lot of reluctance about the rape kit.” The world lurched again at those words and Luke had to put out a hand to steady himself. “The last thing we want to do is pressure him into something that would feel like another violation, but maybe you could just discuss it with him. We don’t have to report it to the police, but if he does decide to press charges, it’s invaluable. Frankly, the guy’ll probably get away without repercussion if we don’t have physical evidence.”
Luke swallowed hard and nodded, still not following everything she was saying. Not report it? That was insane. Of course they would report it.
He was still reeling when Priscilla showed him to Jess’ door. “He’s sensitive to the light, so we’re keeping most of them off. Just let us know if you need anything.” She touched his arm lightly and walked away.
Jess looked terrible, which Luke supposed was what he expected, although he never thought Jess could look so frail. He sat up in his bed, head bowed, hands unmoving on either side of his lap. Even in the dim light, Luke saw bruises forming on his face, disturbing little circles the size of fingertips spanning his jawline. The circles under his eyes set the pallor of his skin into sharp relief.
What was most unsettling, though, were the bandages on Jess’ wrists. Luke knew what they were for; he had tugged the belt away from Jess’ skin and seen the cuts when they were fresh. At the time, they were horrifying, they had made him want to shatter windows with Ted’s face, but now they were sinister. Combined with the blank, haunted look in Jess’ bruised eyes and under the dim hospital lighting, swaddled in pristine gauze, the wounds looked to Luke like foreshadowing, like horrible things yet to come, like bloody bathwater.
Luke sat beside him, and so far, Jess hadn’t acknowledged his presence. “You look awful,” Luke blurted.
Jess lifted his eyes without moving his head. “Really. Because I feel super.”
Luke spread his hands helplessly. “I’m sorry. I have no idea what I’m saying.”
“Seriously, find me a marathon to run.” The biting words were familiar, but the tone was flat.
“Jess, stop. I’m sorry. Please stop it.”
Jess ducked his head and shifted his shoulders in a half-shrug. He picked at the bandage on his wrist and Luke felt the heavy weight of dread hit him in the stomach again. As though reading his thoughts, Jess said, “People are gonna think I tried to commit suicide.”
Luke shook his head, although he wasn’t sure what he was denying. People might very well say that. He could see it in his head, families clustering at tables in the diner, staring and stage-whispering and clucking their tongues. “They won’t,” he said anyway.
Jess kept going like he didn’t hear Luke. “I wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea about the sort of freak I am. Sad, suicidal, angry teenager. It’s just so cliché.”
“You’re not a freak,” Luke said softly, but, again, Jess didn’t seem to notice that he was talking. He just stared at his thumbs and twiddled them occasionally.
Again - and Luke wondered if there was something wrong with him that made his speech center bypass his brain and go straight to his mouth, the way he kept speaking without knowing what he was about to say - Luke blurted, “Priscilla said you don’t want to do the rape kit. Thing.” That was sort of funny, calling the nurse by her first name as though they were all old friends.
Jess’ eyes shot up to Luke’s, but Luke was looking at the carpet. He didn’t know how to follow that up.
“That’s my business,” Jess said. He sounded like he was trying to be firm, angry, but his voice was very small, very young.
Luke looked up again, but now Jess was staring at his lap. He took a deep breath, determined on this point. “It’s mine, too. The nurse said that Ted,” and here Jess shuddered, “probably won’t get a conviction without physical evidence. I know you don’t want that, but even if you tell me you don’t care, I do. If I ever see that man again, I will kill him. If I find out he isn’t getting jail time, I’m going to hunt him down and murder him. Now, I don’t really mind doing that, but I’d prefer not to spend the rest of my life in prison for that pile of shit.”
Jess turned his head away. For the longest time, Luke thought he was going to say something, to try to argue the point with Luke, but he was simply quiet, unmoving except for the smallest tics in his fingers and jaw. Eventually, he leaned back and scratched absently at the dried bile on his cheek. “I puked on him.”
Luke snorted. “Good.” He met Jess’ eyes for the first time since coming in the room, and a corner of Jess’ mouth pulled up in a grimace-smile.
“I did the first time, too. Pretty weird, the things that’ll set off your gag reflex.”
Luke couldn’t breathe. The first time. His head swam and spots jumped in front of his eyes and he wondered blearily if this was what fainting felt like.
Of course he figured out it was possible, even probable, but he’d been able to put it together without actually having to confront the reality of it. His mind just kept sliding past the inevitable solution to the equation until Jess forced him to face it. His eyes stung and he rested his face in his hands, breathing deeply.
He hadn’t known, he told himself. There was no way he could have known, no way he could have done anything because he hadn’t been there and no one expected him to be. He had no idea. How many years of Jess’ life did he know nothing about? How many times had Jess been hurt or scared and had no one? Luke was suffocating. It was as though the floor had dropped away to reveal the vacuum of space, a huge world Luke hadn’t known was there but was sucking him in.
There was a gentle tapping on the doorframe and Luke turned to see Lorelai, looking anxious. She smiled at Luke and waved awkwardly at Jess.
“Hey, Jess. I just wanted to check in. Make sure you’re all right.”
Jess crossed his arms over his abdomen, staring at his knees. “Great,” he croaked. He rolled his eyes and muttered “sorry” a moment later.
Lorelai shook her head, though Jess didn’t see it. “Did you guys need anything? At all? I’ll get anything you need, you know. A nurse, a doctor, coffee that tastes like piss. I could probably break into a supply closet and steal you more pillows.” She hovered in the doorway, clenching and unclenching her hands.
Luke shook his head. He’d offer to let her come in the room, but he didn’t think Jess would be as thankful for the intrusion as he was. “That’s a nice offer, but I’m set.”
“Are you sure? I thought you might want to try to get some sleep in here, and the chairs don’t look super comfortable.”
Luke shifted, running his hands along the armrests of his chair. “I hadn’t thought about sleeping,” he admitted. “But I don’t think I’m going to.”
She nodded, a little frantically. “Jess?”
He wouldn’t meet her eyes. She looked back to Luke and mouthed “sorry.” He shook his head.
“OK, well, maybe I’ll hunt some down for myself, then. I should be in the waiting room if you need me for anything.” She started to go when Jess spoke.
“Lorelai, wait.”
She turned so quickly she almost fell over. “Yes?”
Jess glanced nervously between her and the floor. His eyes darted over to Luke once or twice but he didn’t speak, and Luke got the impression that maybe he didn’t want him there for whatever he was going to ask Lorelai. Luke didn’t want to go, though, and he was having so much trouble understanding everything around him that he didn’t want to assume anything and leave the two of them alone when it might be the last thing Jess wanted.
Lorelai cautiously stepped closer to the bed. Jess looked at her face but quickly dropped his gaze to his feet.
“Jess?” she prompted softly. “Sweetie, if you need anything, anything in the world, all you need to do is ask me.”
His jaw clenched. Luke really believed he wouldn’t say anything and that Lorelai would relentlessly offer her assistance to his mute nephew until a doctor or a nurse or the apocalypse came and spared them all.
Finally, between gritted teeth, Jess said, “Please don’t tell.”
Lorelai jumped like someone had given her an electrical shock. Jess glanced at her again and grabbed handfuls of bed sheets.
“Have you told anyone?” Luke could barely hear him.
“No,” she breathed. “I haven’t told anyone, and of course I won’t. I won’t.”
Jess sighed heavily and closed his eyes. “Anyone,” he repeated. “Don’t tell anyone.”
Lorelai swallowed hard. “Jess, I promise you. I won’t tell anybody.” Her voice was quiet and serious, and it dawned on Luke at last that both of them were talking about Rory. He felt suddenly like he was trespassing on their conversation.
Jess nodded and unclenched his hands, rubbing his palms against his thighs. “Thank you,” he said thickly, biting his lip, and it looked to Luke like he was only just keeping his emotions in check.
Lorelai saw it too. She was at his side in a moment, putting her arms around him in a gesture so unexpected even Luke startled. Jess’ breathing hitched and Lorelai pressed a kiss to his temple.
“Lorelai.” Jess’ tone was warning, pleading. She gave his shoulders one last, quick squeeze and let go. She didn’t look at Luke as she walked out the door.
As soon as she was gone, Jess pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and took deep, uneven breaths. Luke stood, unsure whether his comfort would be welcome, but needing to give it more than he cared if Jess would accept it. He put a hand on Jess’ back and Jess gave a little jump.
He pulled his knees up to his chest and rubbed fiercely at the bridge of his nose. He made a couple of frustrated noises as he struggled to regulate his breathing in gasps that shook with the fine tremors running through his body. Luke saw tears on his cheeks and his fingers pulled together, grabbing a fistful of Jess’ hospital gown. He wanted to hold him so badly, but he didn’t know how.
Jess turned to Luke, eyes red and wet and blinking furiously. “Luke,” he gasped. “Could you go?”
“What?” He hadn’t considered that Jess wouldn’t want him to stay. It was unbearable in Jess’ hospital room and Luke hated himself for his inability to be strong enough for Jess, to be the one who could take the weight of his burdens onto his shoulders and be able to support Jess as well. As it was, he was barely holding himself together and he kept wishing someone would help him. Some small part of him was relieved at the opportunity for escape Jess was offering.
Jess put his elbows on his knees and pressed his face into his hands. “Could you get - get a doctor or something please. I need to talk to a doctor. I need you to go.”
He rubbed gentle circles on Jess’ back and considered telling him “no” for a moment. Jess rocked forward, pulling away from Luke’s touch.
“Sure,” he said quietly, drawing his hand back to his side.
---
Luke only met Ted the one time. It was in early summer of the year he and Rachel were officially ending, although they had a difficult time actually ending. They never said the words to each other: “it’s over,” but every time she left, Luke assumed she wasn’t coming back. She would show up unannounced throughout the winter of the next year and seemed content to expect Luke to be there, at the diner, whenever she missed him too much. They carried on like that until Luke dug up his resolve and asked her only to come back when she knew she was going to stay, and he wouldn’t see her again for years.
But they were still together that June, although she was on another trip, sending him postcards that were pictures she developed herself and scribbled messages on the back of, things like This takes my breath away, but it’s not beautiful without you here or Did I tell you I adore you before I left? I adore you. And I think I left my favorite shirt behind or just signed with her name. Reading the spidery scratch of her handwriting from so far away made him ache.
So he was lonely and restless when Liz called him out of the blue. He hadn’t heard from her in a while and was certain she would need a favor, that something was wrong, but she sounded healthy and chipper. In the middle of something Luke was saying, she cut in with, “Hey Luke, do you wanna take Jess for about a week? Camping? He’s got nothing to do this break and I think he’d like to see you.”
Luke was mildly flattered at that, although he wondered what the kid could possibly find appealing about hanging out with his uncle in a small town, especially now that he was getting older. It used to be so easy to entertain Jess, just sit him in front of the television and buy some of those single-serving sugary cereals and give him a sleeping bag on the floor and he was delighted. He didn’t see his nephew very often, but the last time they were together, Luke was already feeling the awkward distance of adolescence coming between them.
He agreed, though, glad himself for the excuse to take a vacation. He was increasingly edgy, and it was getting to the point where his gruffness was no longer charming to anyone, and his patrons and staff were generally steering clear of him. He couldn’t clearly remember the last time he’d seen Jess in person, didn’t even really know if the kid enjoyed camping or fishing. He had no idea when he’d get a chance to do it in New York.
Liz told him to expect Jess the following Saturday around noon, and while Luke thought it was strange that Liz would drive all the way out to Stars Hollow just to drop Jess off, he was glad she didn’t even suggest that Luke come to New York to pick him up. He hated driving into the city.
Luke was mostly packed and organizing some last details in the diner when Jess arrived, entering the diner with a nervous look around at the people who were all suddenly looking at him, and then at Luke, and then back at him. He ducked his head and went straight for the counter. Luke scanned the street for Liz’s car, but didn’t see it anywhere. Maybe she’d gotten a new one.
“Hey, Jess.”
“Hey, Uncle Luke.”
Luke sighed. He wasn’t sure why Jess always called him “Uncle Luke,” as though he knew fifty guys named Luke and had to differentiate between them somehow. He carried a bag half his own size slung over one shoulder and held a rolled-up paperback in his curled fingers.
“Where’s your mom?”
Jess’ eyes narrowed and he glanced around in confusion. “New York?”
“What?”
“Where we live?”
Luke and Jess stared at each other.
“How did you get here?”
“I took the bus.” Luke gaped. “Uncle Luke, is everything OK?”
Luke pressed his hands against his temples. “She sent you on a bus? Alone. From New York.”
Jess paused uncertainly. “Yes.”
Luke slammed a hand against the counter and Jess took a step back, readjusting his grip on his bag. “I can’t believe her! I thought when she said you’d be here around noon, she’d be dropping you off!” He rubbed his chin angrily. “I could have at least met you at the bus stop if I’d have known.”
“But it’s just down the street.”
“But you’re nine!”
“I’m ten. Eleven in two months.”
Luke balked. “You’re ten?”
“Yes.”
“You’re so small.”
Jess’ face darkened, his brows drawing a straight line over his eyes. He huffed and turned his head away.
“Either way, she shouldn’t have done that. I’m calling your mom.”
Jess looked at him, alarmed. “Why?”
“She can’t do stuff like this! It’s so irresponsible. And it’s not even just her being irresponsible with her own safety, it’s yours!” As he spoke, Luke grabbed the phone from its cradle and started to dial.
“I’m fine, though. You don’t have to call her.”
Luke just shot Jess a stern look, which didn’t seem to faze the kid much. He cursed his sister under his breath while the phone rang. As he was preparing to leave an angry message on her answering machine, she picked up.
“Hello!” Her voice was breezy and carefree, which made Luke angrier. For all she knew or cared, he could have been the police calling to say they found Jess’ body in a ditch somewhere because she stuck him unattended on public transportation.
“Liz,” he intoned, with as much foreboding as he could summon.
“Luke! Oh, great, hi, Luke! Is Jess there?”
“Yes, Jess is here, and he’s in one piece, no thanks to you.”
“What?”
“You just put him on a bus, Liz! By himself!”
She snorted. “Oh, shpfff, it’s fine! He’s done it before!”
Luke’s jaw worked. “That doesn’t prove anything except that your mothering skills have been questionable for a while, instead of since just recently.”
Liz actually laughed at him. “What do you know about it?” She didn’t sound even a little bit defensive, and it was really pissing Luke off. “And he got there, didn’t he? He’s a smart kid.”
“Smart doesn’t have anything to do with it; he’s ten!” Luke thought he heard Jess grumble at that, but he ignored it.
“Luke, it’s done. What’s the point of getting angry about it? And, hey, thanks again for agreeing to take him camping. Ted and I really appreciate getting some time to ourselves.”
That stopped Luke entirely. “Ted? Who’s Ted?”
“Oh, he’s my fella.” He winced at the wistful tone. “Haven’t I mentioned him before?”
“No, Liz, you haven’t.”
“He’s just amazing. I think you’d really like him! You should meet him sometime.” Right. Amazing, incredible, so different this time, you two would be such great friends. By Liz’s description, this guy sounded exactly like every other guy she’d been with.
“Well, I’ll get to this weekend, because I’m driving Jess back to New York.”
“Why? His ticket’s round-trip.”
Luke knew that smashing the phone against his forehead wouldn’t help the situation, but it was still tempting. “I’m sorry you wasted your money, but I am driving him back home, and that’s final.”
“All right, if you’re sure. Have a great time camping! Oh, and thanks again! See you Sunday!” She hung up before he could fit in another word. He sighed and glared at the phone for a moment before hanging it back up.
He turned to Jess, who was still standing in front of the counter, eyeing his surroundings warily. Maybe half of the diner’s patrons were openly watching him, and he shifted uncomfortably, hunching his shoulders. Luke sighed. Getting on a bus to take a long trip by himself didn’t seem to bother the kid at all, but he looked ready to bolt when confronted with the notice of strangers.
“Jess,” Luke prompted gently. “Do you want to take your stuff upstairs?”
“Yes,” was the quick reply. Luke led the way, pulling back the curtain for Jess, who darted up the stairs after giving his uncle another nervous look.
The apartment looked smaller with all their camping gear in a pile in the middle of the floor. Jess dropped his one bag beside it and approached one of the tackle boxes curiously.
“Ever been camping before?”
“No.”
“Great! It’ll be fun.” Jess nodded unenthusiastically. “I’ve just got to get a couple more things wrapped up downstairs before we go. Shouldn’t take very long. So you can just… hang out up here if you want. I’ve got a TV.” Luke pointed to it helpfully, as though Jess couldn’t see it for himself or sat on that same couch and watched it before.
“Thanks.”
Luke nodded. He scanned the apartment quickly for anything Jess might get into that he wasn’t supposed to, feeling a mix of anxiety and sadness when he saw Rachel’s postcards on the fridge door. He didn’t know why thinking of her made him uneasy of late. They called at least every other day and they were in love and he couldn’t picture himself with anyone else, even with her in her vast spaces and him in his one-room apartment. Maybe he just missed her. Getting away from the diner, from phones, would be a good thing.
The camping and fishing grounds were a three-hour drive away. It had never seemed longer to Luke than that trip with Jess, who tapped his fingers against his knees and watched the scenery pass by but offered no conversation. Luke tried to chat, but he was very bad at small talk and he gladly let the truck descend into silence when Jess shrugged and gave monosyllabic responses to Luke’s questions. It was pretty amazing that Jess was Liz’s son. It didn’t seem like he’d inherited any of her looks or personality, and Luke liked to think that was a good thing.
They were quiet for most of the journey through unloading the truck and all the way to setting up the gear at the bank of the lake. Jess disinterestedly watched Luke’s demonstration of the fishing pole and how to cast the line. They sat side-by-side in little uncomfortable chairs, and, after maybe an hour of uncomfortable quiet, Luke tried to get Jess to talk again.
“So. How’s your mom?”
Jess’ mouth quirked. “She’s good.”
“That’s good. So you’re all good?”
“Yes.”
“So, she’s got a new boyfriend, huh?”
Jess eyed Luke suspiciously. “Yes.”
“He’s an OK guy?”
He shrugged. “Sure, he’s fine.”
“He’s not. I don’t know. Weird.” Luke wasn’t sure how to ask Jess if his mother’s boyfriend was an alcoholic asshole. Not that there was much Luke could do about it if Jess said yes.
“Weird? Weird how? Weird like these questions are weird?”
That took Luke off guard. Jess spoke so little that Luke assumed he just didn’t have anything to say. It didn’t even occur to him that Jess might be growing up to be a wiseass.
“No, weird, like…. Does he treat you guys OK? Does he have a job, does he have suspicious friends with scars and eye patches?”
Jess looked horrified. “Eye patches?” Luke scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably. Jess was only ten. It wasn’t fair that he could get the upper hand in conversations with so little effort. “Ted’s fine,” Jess said. “He’s got a job, and, as far as I know, he isn’t friends with any pirates.”
“So he’s a great guy. He’s wonderful, he’s charming, he’s different. ‘The one.’” Luke wasn’t quite sure why he was being so aggressive about this with Jess. It wasn’t as though Jess picked his mother’s boyfriends, but he was still irritated with her and wanted someone to validate his feelings about how consistently and frequently she made terrible decisions. Now that he’d brought her up, he kept thinking about her blithe disregard for Jess’ safety and Luke’s concern.
Jess shrugged awkwardly. “I dunno,” he mumbled. “Mom likes him a lot.” Luke snorted and Jess shot him an aggravated glance. “He remembers how old I am and everything.”
“Hey! I remember how old you are.” It was Jess’ turn to scoff. “I was just confused earlier because I was angry at your mom and you are - are deceptively short.” It was supposed to be an excuse, something better than actually forgetting how old his nephew was, but Luke knew he’d said the wrong thing as soon as it was out of his mouth.
Jess’ expression was thunderous. He turned away from Luke, set down his fishing pole, and dug under his seat for his bag. He pulled out a paperback - Luke thought it was different from the one he’d been reading on the ride here, but he couldn’t be sure - and huddled over it, flipping it open. The gesture and the body language were clear. He was angry with Luke and he was going to sulk.
After that, Luke couldn’t think of much to say to Jess, and Jess was clearly not inclined to conversation. He felt a little bad for coming down so hard on Liz and her new boyfriend to Jess - the kid didn’t need to hear about it, not from him, and not when he had to live with those whackjobs. Luke really needed to work on his tact. He just wasn’t used to holding in his opinions if he felt them strongly, and especially if those opinions were about his sister.
Every now and then, he’d try to strike up a conversation that would inevitably fall flat after a couple of sentences. Once, he tapped Jess’ knee and pointed out to the water. “Look, Jess, a Horned Grebe.”
Jess looked up from his book to Luke and then to the bird. His expression didn’t register any surprise or interest. “It looks like an insane duck,” he said flatly.
Luke nodded. “It’s a grebe.”
Jess lifted his eyebrows and looked back at his uncle. “Cool,” he said after a long moment. “Thanks.” He went back to his book immediately.
He let himself relax and focus on fishing. It was a beautiful, calm day, and watching the sunlight play on the water brought Luke a sense of peace he rarely felt. If Jess was happy reading his book and Luke was happy fishing, even if they weren’t interacting with each other, who was he to complain?
Jess remained remote until Luke caught his first fish - a bass, huge, the length of Jess’ arm. The kid’s eyes bugged, and he jerked away from it as it flapped desperately in Luke’s grasp.
“Shit!” he yelled, and Luke was torn between amusement at his shock and concern at his language. He decided to ignore it in favor of being impressive; he wrestled the fish into relative submission and held it out for Jess to touch. Jess reached tentative fingers to it, his wide eyes fixed on its gills, opening and closing in futile gasps. Luke noted with pride that Jess’ book was forgotten, open at his feet where he dropped it.
They threw it back because it was too big, but after that, Jess paid more attention to his uncle and to the curious ripples in the water. He didn’t pick up his own fishing pole again that day, although he did perk up any time Luke reeled something in. Luke was eventually successful, catching three usable fish for their dinner.
The best part of their trip was when Luke showed Jess how to clean a fish. He was still and attentive, his mouth set and gaze focused on Luke’s hands. He didn’t even react when Luke scooped the fish’s guts out.
“You want to try?” he offered, holding out the knife and another fish. Jess looked up at him, obviously a little surprised, but he agreed readily. Luke sat back and watched, not really concerned about whether Jess would mangle it. The fish Luke already cleaned was plenty of food for the two of them for that night. Jess was careful, though, meticulous in a way that impressed Luke. When he was done, he frowned at the fillet he made. It was far from perfect, but it was a lot better than Luke expected.
“I missed a lot of meat,” Jess said, poking at it sullenly.
Luke ran a finger over it. “But you got out almost all of the bones. You did a really good job.”
Jess’ eyebrows went up minutely and Luke thought he saw a whisper of a smile. “It’s OK,” he conceded.
For the rest of the trip, they didn’t achieve the same level of comfort as they had during that lesson. Jess fished very little, but seemed content to just sit on the bank beside Luke and read. Luke thought at first the books were just a convenient way of avoiding conversation with him, but after observing Jess for a while, he realized Jess was fully absorbed in the activity. He had the same look of immersed attention while he read as he had when he’d watched Luke clean and fillet the fish. Liz never mentioned that Jess was such a bookworm. Of course, Liz didn’t offer up a lot of important information about her son.
The drive back to New York wasn’t terrible, at least not in terms of Jess’ attitude. He didn’t talk much, but he seemed much more relaxed around Luke, less defensive. He even volunteered to take a lot of the camping equipment back up to the apartment and, as he was climbing into Luke’s truck, thanked him for driving him back home.
The drive itself, as in, the physical act of driving to New York, was terrible. Luke hated the crazy aggressive drivers and the stupid streets and the angry pedestrians. Jess had to help him navigate toward the end of the journey, especially since Liz had moved to a new apartment in the last few months and Luke was completely unfamiliar with the area.
It was actually much nicer than Luke was expecting, and the apartment building itself, while certainly not new, was clean and secure. Jess opened the door for them and insisted on carrying his own bag. Luke smiled at the kid’s insistence on being self-sufficient and marveled at how much his mood had improved even since the previous day. He still didn’t talk much, but he smiled a lot and even joked around a bit.
“This was fun,” Luke said, even though he wasn’t convinced it had been, not completely. “Maybe we could do it again for a weekend or something.”
“Sure,” Jess replied, not meeting his eyes.
The apartment was very clean, too, which went against Luke’s memory of the way Liz kept her house. What was really unexpected, though, was the man standing in the kitchen, leaning heavily against the counter and drinking a cup of coffee. His face lit up when he saw Luke and Jess.
“Jess!” he called, like he was announcing the arrival of a celebrity. “It’s been so long I forgot what you looked like.”
“Not long enough for me to forget your ugly face,” Jess retorted, and the man, who Luke had to assume was Ted, laughed easily.
“Catch anything?”
“Nope.”
Ted grinned into his cup. “Excellent.” He held out his hand and Jess high-fived it as he walked by. Ted watched him until he was in his bedroom and then turned back to Luke.
“How about you?”
“Huh?” Luke had been so distracted trying to scrutinize this Ted guy that he forgot the conversation.
Ted’s lip quirked. “Catch anything?”
“Yeah,” Luke replied.
Ted watched him expectantly, clearly waiting for Luke to continue with his story, but Luke was in no mood to make small talk with his sister’s latest - and very likely transient - boyfriend. As it became obvious that Luke wasn’t going to talk, Ted glanced away uncomfortably and his shoulders drew together.
He was tall - probably a couple of inches taller than Luke, although he couldn’t be sure with the way the guy was slumping against the counter. There was nothing obviously, physically wrong with him - no suspicious scars or eye patches, Luke thought ruefully. He had no idea what had come over him to make him go on that rant with Jess.
“I’m Ted, by the way,” the guy said, holding out a hand. “Edward. Kepner.”
Luke shook his hand briefly, firmly, and nodded. “Luke.”
“Yeah,” Ted laughed, a little nervous. “Anyway, uh. Thanks.”
“Oh, no problem. It’s always great spending time with Jess.” Luke grimaced inwardly. He meant it, but for some reason it sounded phony.
Ted looked genuinely surprised. “Oh, yeah, I know. No, I mean for driving him home. I know traffic’s a beast around here, but I really appreciate you didn’t put him on the bus. I would’ve driven him there if I’d known, but Lizzie didn’t mention it. I thought you guys arranged a rendez-vous at a halfway point or something. I was shocked when I heard. Those two are nuts!” He pointed toward Jess’ room. “Sticking a kid on a bus by himself? But they both act like, ‘No big deal, he’s ten.’ It’s crazy!”
“Oh,” Luke said dismissively. “It’s no problem at all.” He was beginning to feel a little bad for being brusque earlier. “Hey, where is my sister?”
“She’s out shopping,” Ted said with a little smile, like it was a joke Luke was supposed to get.
“So… you live here?”
Ted’s eyebrows dipped. “Yes.” He pushed away from the counter to rinse his cup in the sink. “This is my place. Liz’s name’s on the lease now, but, huh. Yeah.”
“Oh.” He wondered why Jess hadn’t said anything. “Liz did not mention that.”
Ted laughed, but it sounded forced. “She can be forgetful.”
Just then, the door opened. Luke hadn’t moved far inside the apartment and had to move away quickly to avoid being either hit by the door or run over by his sister. She had a big garment bag in her hand.
“Hellooo - Oh! Luke!” She yanked him into a hug even as he was gathering his bearings. “It’s so good to see you! You look so good!” He doubted she’d actually looked at him before embracing.
“Thanks, thanks,” he said, trying to gently pull out of her hold. She cupped his chin in her hands and squished his cheeks, ginning. He swatted her hand away. Usually, Luke was most aggravated with his sister when she was making terrible decisions and expecting him to bail her out. He’d forgotten how irritating she could be when she was happy.
“How are you? How’s Rachel?”
“She’s fine,” he glossed, really not wanting to get into the details of his relationship with his sister.
Liz gasped. “Oh, she left you? Ugh, I’m so sorry.” She stuck out her bottom lip in exaggerated sympathy. On anyone else, it would be sarcasm, but that was just the way Liz was. “You liked her so much. So did I! She was beautiful.”
“She didn’t leave; well, I mean, she left, like, she’s not in Stars Hollow. She’s away on business and she’s coming back home. Our home, where we live together, because we’re fine.” He took a deep breath and quietly hated his inability to do anything but ramble when he wanted to be succinct.
“All right,” Liz said, clearly unconvinced or unconcerned. “So, you boys have met?” She slid over to Ted, wrapping her arms around his middle. Ted looked slightly abashed, but put an arm over her shoulder and kissed her forehead.
“Yes, just now.” Luke swung his arms awkwardly at his sides. He hoped they didn’t invite him for dinner.
“Hey,” said Ted, pointing to the bag in her hand. “You find something?”
She took a step away to lift her arms in victory. “Oh! I did! And it’s beautiful and wonderful but you can’t see it yet! You are going to die.”
He smiled. “I can’t even imagine.”
“What’d you get?” Luke wasn’t sure why he asked. He couldn’t think of a lot of things he cared about less than what Liz bought while she was out, leaving him alone to meet a total stranger and have uncomfortable conversations in the man’s kitchen.
Her jaw dropped and she put her hands to her chest just as Jess was walking out of his room. He was already reading a book and didn’t acknowledge any of the adults in the kitchen as he entered the living room. Liz punched Luke’s arm lightly. “Oh, man! I can’t believe I forgot to tell you!” She put her hand in front of his face, revealing a slim gold band with a diamond chip. “We’re getting married!”
Luke stared at her. “Liz, can we talk?” He shot a look at Ted, who was already sidling out of the room.
“Gonna go check out some stuff over here,” he muttered, pointing vaguely at the hallway. Luke heard him walk into the living room and start up a conversation with Jess.
Liz sighed. “Come on, Luke, don’t tell me you’re not happy about this. Don’t be like that this time. I wanna be excited. I just bought my dress.” Her tone was light but imploring.
“Don’t be like what? Like you just announced that you’re getting married to a guy I’ve never met before and who I didn’t even know existed until a week ago?” He lowered his voice. “Does Jess even know?”
She laughed. “Of course he knows! He’s known for ages. He’s excited.” She said the last part with a shrug, as though she didn’t really believe it herself.
Luke rubbed his cheek thoughtfully. “He didn’t tell me.”
“He’s ten.”
“Eleven in two months,” Luke added quietly. He ran the last week over in his mind and an ache bloomed in his stomach. He had immediately put Jess on guard with the talk about Liz’s irresponsibility and insinuations about Ted. Why would Jess have shared anything about his home life with Luke? They hadn’t really talked at all, but Luke had been considering the trip, on the whole, a fairly successful bonding experience with his nephew.
“Congratulations, Liz.” He looked her in the eye as he said it, trying to mean it. Her smile widened and she tossed her head.
“Aww, thanks, Luke. The ceremony’s not even really gonna be a ceremony. We’re just getting married by a justice of the peace.” She leaned in conspiratorially. “Ted’s family’s not coming. They aren’t very supportive.” She made a face and Luke wondered if that was directed at him. Sometimes it was difficult to tell if Liz was being passive aggressive or just obtuse. “It’s in September. Wanna come?”
“We’ll see.”
“Yeah. Thanks again for hanging out with Jess. I know he loves it. He loves you.” Luke hated that it sounded like Liz was trying to reassure him.
He nodded. “I’ll just say bye to him and go.”
“OK. I’m gonna put this in my room!” She shook the garment bag at him and practically skipped away.
Luke leaned around the wall to look into the living room. Jess’ feet were visible on the arm of the couch and Ted was sitting on a chair nearby. He glanced up and smiled.
“Oh, you going?”
“Yep. It was nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, you too.” Ted opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, but snapped it shut quickly. He turned to the couch and poked at Jess’ head. “Hey. Say bye to your uncle.”
Jess sat up, draping his arms over the back of the couch. “Bye, Uncle Luke,” he said. “Thanks for taking me camping. And for teaching me how to gut a fish.”
“Sure,” Luke replied. Jess flopped back down immediately and Ted sent Luke an apologetic look. He could almost hear the excuse: he’s ten. He hardly talked to you all week because he’s ten, he didn’t tell you his mother’s getting married because he’s ten, he doesn’t care that you’re leaving because he’s ten. Luke couldn’t wait for what puberty would bring.
Luke left, telling himself he should have known better to expect anything different from Liz. Every time he spent time with her or talked to her, he came away frustrated and bitter. He shook off the feeling that Jess’ distance had more to do with Luke than with Jess’ age or the infrequency of their interaction, or tried to.
September rolled by and Luke remembered that Liz was getting married, but she hadn’t specified a date and he didn’t ask. Two weeks into October, he got a card in the mail containing a picture of Liz and Ted on their wedding day. They were dressed nicely but not formally, standing beneath a tree with red-gold leaves. They looked happy, grinning at the camera. Jess stood just in front of them, smiling crookedly, and Liz and Ted both had a hand on either of his shoulders.
--
Luke walked back to the waiting room in a daze. Lorelai made an abortive move to get up when she saw him coming, perching instead on the edge of her chair.
“That was fast,” she said.
“Can I borrow your phone?”
“Huh?”
“I need to call Liz,” he said, only aware of his conviction to tell his sister as he was saying the words. “She needs to know what’s going on.”
Lorelai held the phone out to him tentatively and he thanked her. Compared to the dim lighting in Jess’ room, the fluorescent glare of the waiting room was blinding. He blinked away the blurry edges of his vision as he dialed. It occurred to him as the phone rang that he didn’t know what time it was. It could be three a.m., could be ten.
It was evidently before Liz got up, because she answered on the last ring before the answering machine. It sounded like she dropped the phone. He heard a muttered “shit” and then her tired sigh.
“Hello?”
He had no idea what he was going to say. In a detached part of his mind, he was aware that he was furious with Liz, but he wasn’t even sure why anymore. “Liz.”
“What? Who’s - Luke?”
“Liz,” he said again, gutteral.
Her breath hitched. “Luke, what’s wrong? Is - is it Jess?”
Yes it is. Your ex-husband paid him a visit tonight like he did six years ago and I never knew about it, and now Jess is in a hospital room looking like he’s gone and I can’t reach him and there’s no way I can do this, how can I do this, how can I be enough for him?
What he said instead was “Ted,” and that was all he needed to say, because Liz was crying before the word was completely formed. He had no idea how she knew, but he didn’t have to explain. She was sobbing and apologizing and it was a horrible sound, scratchy and garbling through the connection.
He wanted to yell at her. He wanted to get furious and scream and punch through walls and demand explanations. It would be such a welcome release. Luke opened his mouth to speak, but the only thing that came out was a gentle, “Liz.” He couldn’t bring himself to do it, either too exhausted or too sorry for her. She cried and he repeated her name until he heard a click and the static of dead air.
Luke pulled the phone away and stared at the blank screen. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting her reaction to be, but hanging up on him came as something of a surprise. He handed the phone back to Lorelai, who looked at him with open confusion.
“Luke,” she started, but cut herself off as he sat heavily beside her. He didn’t turn to her as he spoke.
“That guy,” he said, surprised at how even his voice was, “was Ted Kepner. He was married to my sister about six years ago. After they were divorced, I just thought it was another one of Liz’s many bad relationship decisions. You can probably guess,” and he could hear Lorelai’s unsteady breathing, “why things ended.
“I didn’t know.” He stared down at his fingers, lightly coated with grime. “Jess said, ‘the first time.’ There was a first time. When he was eleven. And I had no idea. I don’t know how many times there have been. Lorelai, I’m coming apart.”
She put a hand on his back, between his shoulder blades, and rubbed little figure-eights there. He didn’t turn to her because he needed to say this, he needed to confess all his guilt, even if it wasn’t to Jess. He knew if he looked at Lorelai he wouldn’t finish.
“I kept trying to figure it out before. I was running it over and over in my head, what I could have done to stop Ted from getting into the diner, or how much quicker I would have needed to be, or where I would have needed to go in order to find Jess. Or how much sooner we could have gone back to stop everything right before it happened, and I think I came up with ten minutes, on the outside. I kept thinking, ‘Ten minutes, that’s nothing. It’s so unfair so much can go so wrong in ten minutes.’
“But that’s a lie. I was letting myself off easy. I needed to be much earlier than that, by at least six years. Ten to be safe. And I wasn’t there.”
He faced her at last, ready to accept whatever judgment she would offer. He expected, he wished for, her anger, a pointing finger and a cold Luke Danes, this was your fault, but there was no accusation in her sad clear eyes. She was crying, but so was he, because she used her free hand to cup his cheek, and with her thumb she brushed tears aside. Lorelai slid her arm across his back and held him, but she didn’t say anything to condemn or forgive. It was this last gesture of physical comfort that impacted Luke like a blow to the top of his skull, cleaving him in half. He crumbled, resting his head on her shoulder because he didn't have the strenght to hold it up. He cried and she cried and they sat together like that for a very long time.
Chapter 4