Picking up the Pieces, 2: Finding Jacob
Title: Picking up the Pieces
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
His face in my dreams seizes my guts/He floods me with dread/Soaked in soul/He swims in my eyes by the bed/Pour myself over him/Moon spilling in/And I wake up alone
*~*~*
JPOV
I finished filing the paperwork from the project that was consuming too much of my time, locked up the office, and headed straight for the apartment I had begun to call home. I had thrown myself into my school work when Bella first left in the fall after marrying that worthless leech. I barely spoke to her the first year of her marriage, but when the news came through about her being dead, I left Forks. I went straight to Alaska to destroy the Cullen's, but they had been so well-hidden, there was no chance of finding them. I gave up after awhile, willing to bide my time.
My dad did well enough on his own, and after I had left, I called Rachel. I barely remembered the phone call; she couldn't even freak out on me I was that much of a mess. I called Billy, too, and he told me to do what I had to. So, Rachel promised to go home and help dad. She had been planning on moving back to the area anyway.
After that was done, I just disappeared and tried to start over. I had come back from Alaska to the Port Angeles area. There had been - and still was - guilt over leaving my pack, but I just couldn't handle anything. Every time I thought of Bella, the ache throbbed in my heart and I was useless. It never left me completely; it still hurt like hell, but I learned to not show it physically. I wasn't proud of the way I handled anything after that. I finally tried my best to get on with things, and I finished my senior year in a cyber school so I would also be able to work. I wasn't even eighteen yet, but this guy at a construction company took pity on me and hired me part-time and paid me under the table.
I continued with my schooling, managing to land a scholarship for Native American students. My classes were business and construction work, though I was learning it hands-on as well. I am still working my way through classes, but my boss has been moving me up the ranks because I continue to do well. The project we are working on is actually a school for Native American children, a project close to my heart.
My physical strength has been a huge asset to the job, and my skill and know-how from working on cars in my garage has helped as well. As soon as I had left La Push, I stopped phasing. I didn't want anyone to find me. It hadn't fully stopped - maybe just slightly lessened - the fantastic hearing, fast healing, and muscle tone which was ultimately what helped get me hired.
I dragged a hand over my face, pushing it through my hair. I drove through the quiet streets on the outskirts of Port Angeles, breathing a sigh of relief as I pulled into my building's lot. A song came on the radio that hit me like a knife to the heart. It was a song that Bella had liked and we listened to in the garage at home in La Push.
I flicked it off, but the pain was there, eating away at my insides as memories of Bella assaulted me. How could she be gone? I barely felt the few tears that slid unbidden down my face.
Bella smiling at me as we ravaged through the dump, looking for car parts.
Bella tucked against my side on the sofa, her feet under my leg for warmth, as we watched television.
Bella holding my hand as we walked along the beach.
The feel of Bella's lips against mine and her admission that she was in love with me, too.
My stomach felt off-kilter, and I closed my eyes, trying to block out the memories. The pain was like a fist squeezing; deep breathing began to push it back. I had to push it back. No one I knew here was aware of Bella; of what Charles Swan of the Forks Police Department and what I had lost that day.
The night was closing in slowly, darkening the sky, and the lights around the apartment building came on. Tired and weak - thoughts of her were the only thing that truly affected me physically - I trudged up the steps to my apartment.
I pushed the door open, smiled faintly when I saw Lila was waiting for me. "Hey," I said quietly.
The phone rang, though, and I turned to answer it.
"Hello?" I answered distractedly.
It was Billy. He never called me unless it was important. I listened in silence, my eyes on hers, and then I hung up the phone. I barely remember sitting down, but my face lowered into my hands as my mind spun in rapid confusion.
I was going home.
*~*~*
BPOV
I moved about my old room a couple days after my return, lightly running my fingers over old pictures from high school. I wasn't proud of myself for how much I alienated people in school. It hadn't been apparent at the time, but I realized I had thought they weren't as important as the Cullen's. It was a horrible thing to do, especially to those who continued to try and be my friend. When the time was right, I would try to repair relationships with Angela and Mike… maybe even Jessica, too.
There were pictures of us on the beach, pictures of us in school at the end of our senior year, and pictures of my graduation. I felt a pang… though not really nostalgic. I wished my life had been more normal, that I could have enjoyed graduating without worrying that I was going to be attacked by Victoria and her gang of newborns.
The last picture had me pausing. It still hurt to see Jacob looking so sunny and happy and knowing I had caused this rift between us the first year of my marriage. He could barely talk to me, and I hated myself for hurting him like that. It would take me a long time to forgive myself.
The urge to find Jake was getting stronger. I hadn't heard anything about him, though I knew Charlie had spoken briefly with Billy today. I had also called Renee which had been difficult. She had cried so hard on the phone that I could barely understand her. She would be here in a couple days.
That would give me time to go to Jake and begin the process of trying to make amends. I had to. I didn't want to leave Charlie, but I couldn't not go.
"Dad?" I said quietly. He was sitting in his chair like he had been the past couple days.
He jerked, startled, staring at me in surprise. Whenever I spoke to him, he still seemed shocked I was there. "Bells?" His voice was still hoarse as if he weren't used to speaking.
Our talk had been sparse because there was so much I couldn't say. It was one thing to come back when everything seemed finally safe, it was quite another to tell him every single truth and put him further into danger than before. He believed the Cullen's had been keeping me from my family and friends because of the risk from people they knew who they shouldn't have been involved with. It was the closest to the truth I could get.
As far as my death, he had pinned it down to someone with the same name and the way it trickled down the lines and got mixed up. An officer of his had been visiting family in Alaska, caught wind of the article, and called Charlie. There had been a small photo in the paper as proof to show I was dead. It wasn't the clearest photo, though, so it was easy enough to explain away as someone else. I knew the excuse was flimsy for Charlie, and being that he was the Chief of the police force, I was lucky he didn't question it. I worried that he would question it further when the fact that I was back wore off. I would worry about it when that time came.
"Why didn't you call me?" I knew that question was coming and it hurt to see the look on his face. "You stopped talking to me, your mother, Jacob..."
"It was for safety reasons," I admitted.
"Bella, I'm your father. And I'm the Chief of Police. You should have trusted me to protect you. The Cullen's are not the police; they had no right to keep you from contacting your family. I don't care if it was to keep us out of their shady practices. You should have at least called me, so I didn't go through… what I did." His voice caught.
He was still so afraid I would disappear again, still seemed to have nightmares about losing me. I had only been home a couple days, but during the night he came into my room. It usually woke me, though I didn't say anything to him. He was checking on me and he would sit in my rocking chair. It was an eerie reminder of Edward in some ways, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. He looked so tired and worried; needing to make sure I was still okay, still there.
"Dad, I'm sorry," I said again, rubbing my hands over my face. "I really am. I made bad choices, I know that. If I had any idea what you thought, what you were going through…"
"I let myself be convinced it was better to not contact anyone. It wouldn't have been forever was what I kept telling myself, but it was so difficult. I missed you so much…"
"It was part of the reason why Edward and I couldn't make it work," I continued.
He stood and paced, reached for another beer, and I winced. He was still drinking too much; it was going to have to stop soon.
We had reached an impasse in the conversation. I couldn't tell him what was truly going on, that my death was actually faked, and I didn't feel comfortable admitting what went wrong between Edward and I. Relationships weren't an easy subject to discuss with your father.
He sighed and turned toward the living room. Before he went in, he turned back to me. "Bells, if Edward or any of his family shows up here? I'm not sure I will be able to hold back. They better think damn long and hard about showing up in my town again."
His voice was as cold as I ever heard it.
I nodded and leaned my forehead on my arms when he left the room. It was time to deal with Jacob.
*~*~*
Charlie was still refusing to let me out of his sight, so I wasn't able to go to La Push without him. It was then that I realized he had a falling out with Billy, with Sue, and I hated myself even more. I couldn't fathom how much he suffered to refuse their help and concern. He went with me, though, silent and showing no inkling that he didn't want to go.
He sat in the car while I walked up to the little red house that was so familiar to me. My heart was now pounding in my throat as I knocked. There was no answer, and I didn't hear any movement inside. My feet led me back to the little garage where Jake and I had spent so much time. Inside it was exactly how I remembered it; small and comforting with oil stains on the floor, tools scattered over the work table, and a small, threadbare couch.
Had Edward been right? Did Jake stop coming in here and move on with his life after I made my choice? It looked like nothing had been touched.
My increasing thoughts of Jacob were beginning to interfere with the plan to die and become a vampire. I was away from Forks, from my father, from Jacob… and I was missing them a great deal.
"This is the choice you made," I whispered to my reflection in the huge, gilt-edged mirror in the bedroom Edward and I shared.
The room was immense, three times the size of my room at home. I felt lost in it. It was all white and gold, shiny and clean, and nothing like my bedroom in Forks. It felt pristine, though Edward told me to decorate it how I wanted.
He came into the room after hunting, sliding his arms around me from behind. It was the first time I didn't reach up to hold on to him. I was homesick, missing people I loved, and increasingly less sure of becoming a vampire. And always in the back of my mind was Jacob.
"Do you think Jacob is okay?" I asked. I hadn't meant to ask that out loud and winced. I tried not to talk about him too much for Edward's sake, but he hid his feelings well.
"Jacob is young," he replied. He didn't say it dismissively, but there was no real emotion on his face. "He is young enough that he can recover and move on with his life, find a Quileute girl, and live his life in La Push."
He didn't seem to think that was an insult, but it resonated wrong with me. Jacob was smart, loving, and he had more in store for him than meeting a Quileute girl, marrying, and living his life in La Push. And not that I really thought he would be hung up on me, but I did worry about how much I hurt him by marrying Edward and leaving.
That night I dreamt only about Jacob, about a life I didn't have.
"I wouldn't have believed it if I wasn't looking at you right now," a quiet, male voice said intruding on my memory.
I spun around hope bubbling at the surface only to be surprised that it was Quil's voice. Embry was right next to him. They looked the same except they both looked a little older since the last time I saw them. It was such a familiar sight, and even though it wasn't Jake, I felt the smile begin to form.
"Billy told us you were alive, but we didn't believe it until we heard you in here," Embry added.
I started to say something when Quil cut me off. "Why the hell did you come back?"
Startled, I only stared at him, not sure what to say. He sounded almost hostile and that didn't match well with my memories of Quil. He was always happy, silly… but then again it had been awhile.
"I, um…" I started, stuttering a little. "I came back for good. It's been a long time coming and it's what I, uh, wanted. Where's Jake?"
It was then that I realized they were both looking at me coolly and with no emotion.
"So you can try and find him, maybe screw him up even worse? Why the hell do you want to find him?"
"Quil, Embry," I said, my stomach twisting itself into knots. "I know I made a lot of big mistakes, but I want to try…"
"Well, you can't." Embry moved closer to me, his dark eyes hard. "He struggled to let you go after you first left, not wanting to talk to you because it hurt him to lose you. It was never about winning with him, though he acted like it. He was so in love with you."
I managed to swallow past the lump. "I know I hurt him. It is something I have regretted every single day…"
"What's worse is that after you died…" he emphasized. "He lost it. You have no fucking idea what that did to him. Devastated barely even covers it. He left La Push, Bella… he left us, his brothers, he left Billy, and he left behind what made him who he is because he couldn't bear the pain of being reminded of you."
Quil had me backed up against the workbench now, taking over where Embry left off.
"We don't have a fucking clue where he is," he said coldly. "And yet here you are, clearly not dead, looking to make amends? How about an explanation of why on earth you let him believe that, to suffer like he did? You have caused him nothing but grief."
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I was shocked speechless at the harsh tone and words, unable to think of what to say. Part of me was beyond hurt at what they were saying - I never intended to hurt Jacob so much and I truly despised my choices - but deep down I knew in some way it was warranted. They loved Jake; they had every right to be furious at me for apparently destroying him.
"Bella?" I heard Charlie's voice calling me.
They backed up, mouths hard. "We'll discuss this later," Embry said quietly. "Quil, let's go."
They disappeared, and I stumbled out of the garage, nearly bumping into Charlie. He caught hold of my shoulders, fear and worry in his eyes. "Honey, are you okay?"
I nodded faintly, still unable to speak.
I saw Sue drive up, Billy in the passenger seat. Charlie flinched slightly, his mouth tight and his eyes uneasy. It was time for him to talk to them, just like I needed to talk to Jake. I just didn't have a clue where he was. He had really left his home? Where would he go? Knowing he was out there, his friends unaware of where he was, doing who knows what scared me.
We walked toward the car, watching as Billy leveraged himself out of it with his arms, and slid into his wheelchair. Sue stood by, waiting. I knew they had seen Charlie and I moved out from behind him. Sue's eyes widened as she caught sight of me.
"Oh, Bella," she said quietly. "I heard, but seeing you…"
My mouth tightened, trying to stop the shaking, as she hurried toward me. She hugged me tightly, and I closed my eyes at her touch. "I'm so glad you're okay," she said pulling away.
I met her eyes and smiled. "Thanks, Sue. I'm here for good," I told her, answering her unasked question.
Her eyes showed relief. "I'm glad to hear it."
I glanced at Billy. He didn't look furious, but his face was expressionless. I had no idea what he was thinking, but I had to ask. "Do you… know where Jake is?" I asked.
He shook his head, his gaze unwavering. He didn't yell, he didn't get angry, he just watched me. "No, I don't. He left, and I have his phone number for emergency reasons, but any calls are few and far between."
My heart leapt for a second, but Billy remained quiet. "Bella, could you give the three of us a moment? I think we need to talk."
I nodded, heart sinking when I realized he wasn't going to be very forthcoming. Billy probably hated me, too. Jake was his son and he had to have known what happened when the news spread to Charlie. I had a lot of people to apologize to; to try and explain and wait for their forgiveness… if they decided to forgive me.
"I'm going to go walk on the beach," I told Charlie. He already looked weary and uncertain about talking to Billy and Sue, but I could see fear in his eyes now.
I laid a hand on his arm. "I won't go far, and I'll be back. Soon," I promised him.
He hesitated, but nodded. I left them to talk and wandered down the path toward First Beach. I tucked my hands into my hoodie pocket and trudged through the sand, watching the clouds begin to thicken out over the water. It looked like we would receive only a brief respite from the rain.
The wind was getting cooler, so I moved back toward the forest, heading straight for the driftwood log that was mine and Jake's without even realizing it. A small sigh escaped as I sat against it, closing my eyes and remembering how we always seemed to end up here when we walked on the beach. It held some painful memories of how all I could talk about was the pain of losing Edward, why I loved Edward, and why I couldn't live without him. I should have told Jacob that he meant so much to me instead of focusing only on myself.
I rubbed my fingertips over the rough wood, smiling at the memory of how sweet I thought fifteen-year old Jake was when we first came here.
My smile faded when I thought of him no longer being in La Push. I would find him no matter what, but where would he go? I couldn't imagine he would go too far; he was apparently still in contact with Billy. Jake was too much of a good person to totally abandon his father.
I heard a rustling sound nearby and my heart thudded in fright. I spun around, searching, moving quickly to my feet. After a few moments, I saw a figure a little further down emerge from the woods. My feet poised to run, I squinted.
It was Jake.
I wanted to run, to hold on to him and never let go, but I stood rooted to the spot. The guilt, the fear, the grief all rushed over me at the sight of him. He looked older. He looked as beautiful as ever, but his face had lost the youthfulness I remembered. It was harder.
His dark hair was still a little on the longer side, but it was his eyes that really stood out. They were very nearly like his father's, black and expressionless, as he stood there a couple feet away staring at me. He was dressed, too, something that didn't seem like him. He was always running around in just cut-off's. He was now wearing jeans, a brown buttoned-up shirt that was rolled up to his elbows.
He was my Jacob, but not. There had been so many things I wanted to say and now I felt like a mute. I finally managed to whisper, "Jake, I…"
He lifted a hand up, halting me. He moved closer until he was standing within arm's reach. Time seemed to stop, the wind stopped rushing by my ears, and all I could hear was the intake of our breath. The only thing I could see was him, his russet skin, and the muscle that twitched in his jaw.
My eyes met his. I couldn't read them, but I was so glad to just be looking into them. He seemed to be scrutinizing me carefully.
He then lifted a hand; his fingers extended toward me and he touched the tips to my heart.
Chapter 3
*~*~*
AN: Does it surprise you that Jacob left? I always thought Jake could do whatever he put his mind to. And Lila… hmmm…
Did you expect anger from his friends? That sort of just came out and I thought it made sense. Bella's in for some surprises. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. :o)
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
His face in my dreams seizes my guts/He floods me with dread/Soaked in soul/He swims in my eyes by the bed/Pour myself over him/Moon spilling in/And I wake up alone
*~*~*
JPOV
I finished filing the paperwork from the project that was consuming too much of my time, locked up the office, and headed straight for the apartment I had begun to call home. I had thrown myself into my school work when Bella first left in the fall after marrying that worthless leech. I barely spoke to her the first year of her marriage, but when the news came through about her being dead, I left Forks. I went straight to Alaska to destroy the Cullen's, but they had been so well-hidden, there was no chance of finding them. I gave up after awhile, willing to bide my time.
My dad did well enough on his own, and after I had left, I called Rachel. I barely remembered the phone call; she couldn't even freak out on me I was that much of a mess. I called Billy, too, and he told me to do what I had to. So, Rachel promised to go home and help dad. She had been planning on moving back to the area anyway.
After that was done, I just disappeared and tried to start over. I had come back from Alaska to the Port Angeles area. There had been - and still was - guilt over leaving my pack, but I just couldn't handle anything. Every time I thought of Bella, the ache throbbed in my heart and I was useless. It never left me completely; it still hurt like hell, but I learned to not show it physically. I wasn't proud of the way I handled anything after that. I finally tried my best to get on with things, and I finished my senior year in a cyber school so I would also be able to work. I wasn't even eighteen yet, but this guy at a construction company took pity on me and hired me part-time and paid me under the table.
I continued with my schooling, managing to land a scholarship for Native American students. My classes were business and construction work, though I was learning it hands-on as well. I am still working my way through classes, but my boss has been moving me up the ranks because I continue to do well. The project we are working on is actually a school for Native American children, a project close to my heart.
My physical strength has been a huge asset to the job, and my skill and know-how from working on cars in my garage has helped as well. As soon as I had left La Push, I stopped phasing. I didn't want anyone to find me. It hadn't fully stopped - maybe just slightly lessened - the fantastic hearing, fast healing, and muscle tone which was ultimately what helped get me hired.
I dragged a hand over my face, pushing it through my hair. I drove through the quiet streets on the outskirts of Port Angeles, breathing a sigh of relief as I pulled into my building's lot. A song came on the radio that hit me like a knife to the heart. It was a song that Bella had liked and we listened to in the garage at home in La Push.
I flicked it off, but the pain was there, eating away at my insides as memories of Bella assaulted me. How could she be gone? I barely felt the few tears that slid unbidden down my face.
Bella smiling at me as we ravaged through the dump, looking for car parts.
Bella tucked against my side on the sofa, her feet under my leg for warmth, as we watched television.
Bella holding my hand as we walked along the beach.
The feel of Bella's lips against mine and her admission that she was in love with me, too.
My stomach felt off-kilter, and I closed my eyes, trying to block out the memories. The pain was like a fist squeezing; deep breathing began to push it back. I had to push it back. No one I knew here was aware of Bella; of what Charles Swan of the Forks Police Department and what I had lost that day.
The night was closing in slowly, darkening the sky, and the lights around the apartment building came on. Tired and weak - thoughts of her were the only thing that truly affected me physically - I trudged up the steps to my apartment.
I pushed the door open, smiled faintly when I saw Lila was waiting for me. "Hey," I said quietly.
The phone rang, though, and I turned to answer it.
"Hello?" I answered distractedly.
It was Billy. He never called me unless it was important. I listened in silence, my eyes on hers, and then I hung up the phone. I barely remember sitting down, but my face lowered into my hands as my mind spun in rapid confusion.
I was going home.
*~*~*
BPOV
I moved about my old room a couple days after my return, lightly running my fingers over old pictures from high school. I wasn't proud of myself for how much I alienated people in school. It hadn't been apparent at the time, but I realized I had thought they weren't as important as the Cullen's. It was a horrible thing to do, especially to those who continued to try and be my friend. When the time was right, I would try to repair relationships with Angela and Mike… maybe even Jessica, too.
There were pictures of us on the beach, pictures of us in school at the end of our senior year, and pictures of my graduation. I felt a pang… though not really nostalgic. I wished my life had been more normal, that I could have enjoyed graduating without worrying that I was going to be attacked by Victoria and her gang of newborns.
The last picture had me pausing. It still hurt to see Jacob looking so sunny and happy and knowing I had caused this rift between us the first year of my marriage. He could barely talk to me, and I hated myself for hurting him like that. It would take me a long time to forgive myself.
The urge to find Jake was getting stronger. I hadn't heard anything about him, though I knew Charlie had spoken briefly with Billy today. I had also called Renee which had been difficult. She had cried so hard on the phone that I could barely understand her. She would be here in a couple days.
That would give me time to go to Jake and begin the process of trying to make amends. I had to. I didn't want to leave Charlie, but I couldn't not go.
"Dad?" I said quietly. He was sitting in his chair like he had been the past couple days.
He jerked, startled, staring at me in surprise. Whenever I spoke to him, he still seemed shocked I was there. "Bells?" His voice was still hoarse as if he weren't used to speaking.
Our talk had been sparse because there was so much I couldn't say. It was one thing to come back when everything seemed finally safe, it was quite another to tell him every single truth and put him further into danger than before. He believed the Cullen's had been keeping me from my family and friends because of the risk from people they knew who they shouldn't have been involved with. It was the closest to the truth I could get.
As far as my death, he had pinned it down to someone with the same name and the way it trickled down the lines and got mixed up. An officer of his had been visiting family in Alaska, caught wind of the article, and called Charlie. There had been a small photo in the paper as proof to show I was dead. It wasn't the clearest photo, though, so it was easy enough to explain away as someone else. I knew the excuse was flimsy for Charlie, and being that he was the Chief of the police force, I was lucky he didn't question it. I worried that he would question it further when the fact that I was back wore off. I would worry about it when that time came.
"Why didn't you call me?" I knew that question was coming and it hurt to see the look on his face. "You stopped talking to me, your mother, Jacob..."
"It was for safety reasons," I admitted.
"Bella, I'm your father. And I'm the Chief of Police. You should have trusted me to protect you. The Cullen's are not the police; they had no right to keep you from contacting your family. I don't care if it was to keep us out of their shady practices. You should have at least called me, so I didn't go through… what I did." His voice caught.
He was still so afraid I would disappear again, still seemed to have nightmares about losing me. I had only been home a couple days, but during the night he came into my room. It usually woke me, though I didn't say anything to him. He was checking on me and he would sit in my rocking chair. It was an eerie reminder of Edward in some ways, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. He looked so tired and worried; needing to make sure I was still okay, still there.
"Dad, I'm sorry," I said again, rubbing my hands over my face. "I really am. I made bad choices, I know that. If I had any idea what you thought, what you were going through…"
"I let myself be convinced it was better to not contact anyone. It wouldn't have been forever was what I kept telling myself, but it was so difficult. I missed you so much…"
"It was part of the reason why Edward and I couldn't make it work," I continued.
He stood and paced, reached for another beer, and I winced. He was still drinking too much; it was going to have to stop soon.
We had reached an impasse in the conversation. I couldn't tell him what was truly going on, that my death was actually faked, and I didn't feel comfortable admitting what went wrong between Edward and I. Relationships weren't an easy subject to discuss with your father.
He sighed and turned toward the living room. Before he went in, he turned back to me. "Bells, if Edward or any of his family shows up here? I'm not sure I will be able to hold back. They better think damn long and hard about showing up in my town again."
His voice was as cold as I ever heard it.
I nodded and leaned my forehead on my arms when he left the room. It was time to deal with Jacob.
*~*~*
Charlie was still refusing to let me out of his sight, so I wasn't able to go to La Push without him. It was then that I realized he had a falling out with Billy, with Sue, and I hated myself even more. I couldn't fathom how much he suffered to refuse their help and concern. He went with me, though, silent and showing no inkling that he didn't want to go.
He sat in the car while I walked up to the little red house that was so familiar to me. My heart was now pounding in my throat as I knocked. There was no answer, and I didn't hear any movement inside. My feet led me back to the little garage where Jake and I had spent so much time. Inside it was exactly how I remembered it; small and comforting with oil stains on the floor, tools scattered over the work table, and a small, threadbare couch.
Had Edward been right? Did Jake stop coming in here and move on with his life after I made my choice? It looked like nothing had been touched.
My increasing thoughts of Jacob were beginning to interfere with the plan to die and become a vampire. I was away from Forks, from my father, from Jacob… and I was missing them a great deal.
"This is the choice you made," I whispered to my reflection in the huge, gilt-edged mirror in the bedroom Edward and I shared.
The room was immense, three times the size of my room at home. I felt lost in it. It was all white and gold, shiny and clean, and nothing like my bedroom in Forks. It felt pristine, though Edward told me to decorate it how I wanted.
He came into the room after hunting, sliding his arms around me from behind. It was the first time I didn't reach up to hold on to him. I was homesick, missing people I loved, and increasingly less sure of becoming a vampire. And always in the back of my mind was Jacob.
"Do you think Jacob is okay?" I asked. I hadn't meant to ask that out loud and winced. I tried not to talk about him too much for Edward's sake, but he hid his feelings well.
"Jacob is young," he replied. He didn't say it dismissively, but there was no real emotion on his face. "He is young enough that he can recover and move on with his life, find a Quileute girl, and live his life in La Push."
He didn't seem to think that was an insult, but it resonated wrong with me. Jacob was smart, loving, and he had more in store for him than meeting a Quileute girl, marrying, and living his life in La Push. And not that I really thought he would be hung up on me, but I did worry about how much I hurt him by marrying Edward and leaving.
That night I dreamt only about Jacob, about a life I didn't have.
"I wouldn't have believed it if I wasn't looking at you right now," a quiet, male voice said intruding on my memory.
I spun around hope bubbling at the surface only to be surprised that it was Quil's voice. Embry was right next to him. They looked the same except they both looked a little older since the last time I saw them. It was such a familiar sight, and even though it wasn't Jake, I felt the smile begin to form.
"Billy told us you were alive, but we didn't believe it until we heard you in here," Embry added.
I started to say something when Quil cut me off. "Why the hell did you come back?"
Startled, I only stared at him, not sure what to say. He sounded almost hostile and that didn't match well with my memories of Quil. He was always happy, silly… but then again it had been awhile.
"I, um…" I started, stuttering a little. "I came back for good. It's been a long time coming and it's what I, uh, wanted. Where's Jake?"
It was then that I realized they were both looking at me coolly and with no emotion.
"So you can try and find him, maybe screw him up even worse? Why the hell do you want to find him?"
"Quil, Embry," I said, my stomach twisting itself into knots. "I know I made a lot of big mistakes, but I want to try…"
"Well, you can't." Embry moved closer to me, his dark eyes hard. "He struggled to let you go after you first left, not wanting to talk to you because it hurt him to lose you. It was never about winning with him, though he acted like it. He was so in love with you."
I managed to swallow past the lump. "I know I hurt him. It is something I have regretted every single day…"
"What's worse is that after you died…" he emphasized. "He lost it. You have no fucking idea what that did to him. Devastated barely even covers it. He left La Push, Bella… he left us, his brothers, he left Billy, and he left behind what made him who he is because he couldn't bear the pain of being reminded of you."
Quil had me backed up against the workbench now, taking over where Embry left off.
"We don't have a fucking clue where he is," he said coldly. "And yet here you are, clearly not dead, looking to make amends? How about an explanation of why on earth you let him believe that, to suffer like he did? You have caused him nothing but grief."
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I was shocked speechless at the harsh tone and words, unable to think of what to say. Part of me was beyond hurt at what they were saying - I never intended to hurt Jacob so much and I truly despised my choices - but deep down I knew in some way it was warranted. They loved Jake; they had every right to be furious at me for apparently destroying him.
"Bella?" I heard Charlie's voice calling me.
They backed up, mouths hard. "We'll discuss this later," Embry said quietly. "Quil, let's go."
They disappeared, and I stumbled out of the garage, nearly bumping into Charlie. He caught hold of my shoulders, fear and worry in his eyes. "Honey, are you okay?"
I nodded faintly, still unable to speak.
I saw Sue drive up, Billy in the passenger seat. Charlie flinched slightly, his mouth tight and his eyes uneasy. It was time for him to talk to them, just like I needed to talk to Jake. I just didn't have a clue where he was. He had really left his home? Where would he go? Knowing he was out there, his friends unaware of where he was, doing who knows what scared me.
We walked toward the car, watching as Billy leveraged himself out of it with his arms, and slid into his wheelchair. Sue stood by, waiting. I knew they had seen Charlie and I moved out from behind him. Sue's eyes widened as she caught sight of me.
"Oh, Bella," she said quietly. "I heard, but seeing you…"
My mouth tightened, trying to stop the shaking, as she hurried toward me. She hugged me tightly, and I closed my eyes at her touch. "I'm so glad you're okay," she said pulling away.
I met her eyes and smiled. "Thanks, Sue. I'm here for good," I told her, answering her unasked question.
Her eyes showed relief. "I'm glad to hear it."
I glanced at Billy. He didn't look furious, but his face was expressionless. I had no idea what he was thinking, but I had to ask. "Do you… know where Jake is?" I asked.
He shook his head, his gaze unwavering. He didn't yell, he didn't get angry, he just watched me. "No, I don't. He left, and I have his phone number for emergency reasons, but any calls are few and far between."
My heart leapt for a second, but Billy remained quiet. "Bella, could you give the three of us a moment? I think we need to talk."
I nodded, heart sinking when I realized he wasn't going to be very forthcoming. Billy probably hated me, too. Jake was his son and he had to have known what happened when the news spread to Charlie. I had a lot of people to apologize to; to try and explain and wait for their forgiveness… if they decided to forgive me.
"I'm going to go walk on the beach," I told Charlie. He already looked weary and uncertain about talking to Billy and Sue, but I could see fear in his eyes now.
I laid a hand on his arm. "I won't go far, and I'll be back. Soon," I promised him.
He hesitated, but nodded. I left them to talk and wandered down the path toward First Beach. I tucked my hands into my hoodie pocket and trudged through the sand, watching the clouds begin to thicken out over the water. It looked like we would receive only a brief respite from the rain.
The wind was getting cooler, so I moved back toward the forest, heading straight for the driftwood log that was mine and Jake's without even realizing it. A small sigh escaped as I sat against it, closing my eyes and remembering how we always seemed to end up here when we walked on the beach. It held some painful memories of how all I could talk about was the pain of losing Edward, why I loved Edward, and why I couldn't live without him. I should have told Jacob that he meant so much to me instead of focusing only on myself.
I rubbed my fingertips over the rough wood, smiling at the memory of how sweet I thought fifteen-year old Jake was when we first came here.
My smile faded when I thought of him no longer being in La Push. I would find him no matter what, but where would he go? I couldn't imagine he would go too far; he was apparently still in contact with Billy. Jake was too much of a good person to totally abandon his father.
I heard a rustling sound nearby and my heart thudded in fright. I spun around, searching, moving quickly to my feet. After a few moments, I saw a figure a little further down emerge from the woods. My feet poised to run, I squinted.
It was Jake.
I wanted to run, to hold on to him and never let go, but I stood rooted to the spot. The guilt, the fear, the grief all rushed over me at the sight of him. He looked older. He looked as beautiful as ever, but his face had lost the youthfulness I remembered. It was harder.
His dark hair was still a little on the longer side, but it was his eyes that really stood out. They were very nearly like his father's, black and expressionless, as he stood there a couple feet away staring at me. He was dressed, too, something that didn't seem like him. He was always running around in just cut-off's. He was now wearing jeans, a brown buttoned-up shirt that was rolled up to his elbows.
He was my Jacob, but not. There had been so many things I wanted to say and now I felt like a mute. I finally managed to whisper, "Jake, I…"
He lifted a hand up, halting me. He moved closer until he was standing within arm's reach. Time seemed to stop, the wind stopped rushing by my ears, and all I could hear was the intake of our breath. The only thing I could see was him, his russet skin, and the muscle that twitched in his jaw.
My eyes met his. I couldn't read them, but I was so glad to just be looking into them. He seemed to be scrutinizing me carefully.
He then lifted a hand; his fingers extended toward me and he touched the tips to my heart.
Chapter 3
*~*~*
AN: Does it surprise you that Jacob left? I always thought Jake could do whatever he put his mind to. And Lila… hmmm…
Did you expect anger from his friends? That sort of just came out and I thought it made sense. Bella's in for some surprises. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. :o)