Picking up the Pieces, 3: I'm Sorry
Title: Picking up the Pieces
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
And I'll cross oceans like never before/So you can feel the way I feel it too/And I'll mirror images back at you/So you can see the way I feel it too/Maybe I had said something that was wrong/Can I make it better with the lights turned on
*~*~*
JPOV
When I moved from the trees, I got my first glimpse of Bella after a few years apart. She was twenty-one now and it was close to her birthday. She didn't look much older, though she carried herself differently. She looked very much alive, and I closed my eyes briefly against all the emotions storming through me. How could she have been alive and not contacted me? Or, my God, Charlie? He was her father!
As I moved closer, she turned and saw me. Her eyes widened and she stood, and I could see the subtle differences face-to-face as I continued moving slowly toward her. Her chocolate eyes were tired, shadowed, and filled with sadness. It made me wonder what she had to be sad about. She wasn't the one going around thinking someone she loved was dead.
Her hair was shorter, and she did seem older in some ways. It looked as if she had grown up fast, too. The look on her face was wary, but hopeful. As I reached her, I could hear her heart beating and the sudden rush of feeling to my limbs was overwhelming. My initial thought had been that she was turned into a leech, but because it happened a year into her marriage, I hadn't been sure if it was that or an actual death. I had talked to her in the first year, however reluctantly, and she was still human. And she hadn't seemed in a hurry to change anymore.
The not knowing had made it so much harder.
My fingers reached out of their own volition, and I touched the tips of my fingers to her heart. I heard it, but I wanted to feel the steady thump to reassure myself. It was there, strong and steady. My eyes flicked up to her face, taking in her surprised look. She looked like she wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear what she had to say.
Who was I kidding?
I wanted to know why the hell she had put Charlie and me through this living hell. Where the fuck were those Cullen leeches? The anger was making itself known again and I stared at her.
"Why, Bella? Do you get off on torturing people who care about you? People who never lived up to the precious Cullens anyway."
Her eyes widened in surprise and she recoiled. "Wh… Jake… no, of course not."
My eyes fixed coolly on hers. Even as a part of me rebelled, wanted to crush her to me in relief, I kept my distance. I couldn't let myself cave in. She needed to be held accountable for the emotional suffering she caused. It was hard enough for me to go on, but to see Charlie so utterly devastated was something I wouldn't forget. Renee, when she came… well, all she could do was sob, but Charlie had retreated into himself. I hadn't been around for it, but I knew he began drinking too much, had a terrible fight with my Dad and Sue.
"Did Edward just decide he was done toying with your emotions? Is that why you came back? Why on earth did you let people believe you were dead when that obviously isn't the case?"
"Jake, I had no idea anyone thought I was dead… it wasn't my intention for anyone to find this out. As far as Edward is concerned, it's over."
I furrowed my brow, examining her. It eased some of the hurt, but I wasn't feeling very rational. And what did she mean it was over? She threw her life away; her friends and family to be with that life-sucking bastard.
"Faking your death, Bells? Is that what you did or did your husband decide to do that?"
She bristled. "There are reasons for that. I made a lot of mistakes. I'm aware of that, Jake, but I came back with the intention to try and make things right. I was blind-sided by the notion that everyone here considered me dead. I didn't mean to hurt anyone!"
"Hurt them?" I was incredulous. "How can you not have realized this could very easily get back to your father? Charlie is the fucking Chief of Police, Bella! He was worried sick when he stopped hearing from you! Whether or not you meant for anyone to find out about it… we did."
Her gaze was steady and she met my eyes directly. It wasn't quite like the Bella I had known previously, the girl who could get fired up at me, but never came across as real confident.
"I did what I had to do, Jacob," she said, her voice cooler now. "I was never Edward's plaything, but I grew up regardless. If I could change things, I would. It wasn't easy and mistakes were made, but I missed you and Charlie, my mom…"
Her voice broke and she looked so utterly defeated.
A lump was in my throat as I stared at her. It felt like there was a mile between us even though I was right in front of her. "Can this… what you and I had… be repaired?" Her voice shook.
"I don't know, Bella."
I was still so hurt, confused, and angry. Plus, I had a life in Port Angeles. Lila stayed behind, okay with letting me leave to deal with an old life. I wasn't sure how understanding she would be, though, if I chose to live this old life again. Regardless, it was time I stopped running. I would go to Billy, Rachel, and try to make amends with the pack. The strands of my old life needed to be woven back together if they could. It had been on my mind lately and this served as an opportunity to do what I had to do.
We stared at each other.
"Bells?" I heard Charlie calling for her and she started. I could see the worry in her eyes as she spun around to hurry toward him and reassure him.
I was glad to see that. At least she cared enough to be concerned that Charlie knew where she was. Charlie's eyes met mine and he nodded slightly. His gaze was full of understanding; of how this had affected me and what he had seen the night I had found out about Bella.
Just as I had seen him falling apart at the seams. Bella was watching both of us, eyes narrowed, obviously having seen the look that passed between me and her father.
"We have to go," Charlie told me. "It's good to see you again, Jake."
I nodded. "Yeah, you too, Charlie."
As they walked away, I could practically feel the dejection coming off of her in waves. "Bella?" I called after her.
She turned her pale, heart-shaped face to look at me.
"Nothing is impossible."
*~*~*
I made my way to the little red house I grew up in. Both Billy and Rachel were home. A bit hesitantly, I knocked. There was shuffling inside, the door opened, and I was staring into dark eyes just like mine. Rachel's hair was swept up into a ponytail and she looked tired. Her eyes widened when she saw me.
"Jacob?"
The next thing I knew, Rachel had her arms around my neck, hugging me so tight that I began to wonder if she had been working out. I held on to her, realizing just how much I had missed her.
She punched me in the chest… hard. "Asshole," she said, lips trembling. "If I didn't already love you, I would hate you for leaving." She threw her arms around me again.
I rubbed my chest absently, holding her to me with my other arm, and dropped my forehead on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Rach," I murmured. "I missed you a whole hell of a lot."
"You could have called," she sniffled. "I know I had your phone number, but Dad told me not to call unless it was really important."
"I should have," I told her. "I know I didn't handle things very well, but I couldn't face the memories. I hope you can forgive me, sis."
She rubbed her eyes, glared at me, and flounced into the kitchen. I couldn't help laughing a little. I knew that was a sign she would forgive me, but she wanted me to suffer first. What I had put her through… well, I figured I deserved it. I dropped my duffel onto the couch, moving down the tiny hall to my Dad's bedroom. His door was partially open and he was sitting at the little worktable we had set up in there for his wood-working. He was carving something, but I knew he was aware I was there.
He looked up at me slowly, his face expressionless. I pushed the door open, leaning against the doorjamb, my hands awkwardly shoved into my pockets. My father spoke with his eyes, thousands of words that meant something, without ever needing to say them.
I've missed you.
My son is a complete dumbass.
I love you.
I will forgive you, but you need to make me believe I can count on you.
He handed me his other carving tool, and in true manly fashion, I sat down in his little chair and began to whittle away in silence. Billy was never a big talker, mostly because he only said what really needed to be said. We continued to work together as Rachel banged dishes out in the kitchen in her frustration. She definitely took after our mother.
Finally, I set down the carving tool, reaching for a piece of sandpaper, when Billy laid his hand over mine. He held on, his hand shaking a little, and I swallowed roughly. I looked up at him, conveying my apologies without saying a word.
He smiled slightly. "I missed you, son."
"I missed you, too, Dad."
Rachel called us to dinner later and we ate chicken and rice, talking occasionally about non-important things. I knew it wouldn't be this easy with my brothers. When I cleaned up after dinner, I told Billy where I was going and headed toward Sam and Emily's place. I wanted to find Quil and Embry first, but I walked by both of their houses on the way and both were dark.
Sam and Emily's house was emitting a warm glow from the windows. Flower pots filled with wildflowers were scattered around, and I could see smoke coming from the chimney. I knocked on the door and waited, nervously, until Emily opened it. Her eyes widened when she saw me.
"Jacob? Oh my God, it's you."
This was the second time a woman threw herself into my arms. I smiled, hugging her back. "Em," I said, comforted by her warm familiarity. "How are you?"
"Good," she said, leaning back. "But more importantly, how are you? Are you back because…" Her voice trailed off and she looked embarrassed.
"I'm okay. I did come back because of what I heard, but I think I would have come back regardless. I had been thinking about it a lot lately."
She beckoned me into the kitchen. "Jake, it is so good to see you. I take it you are here trying to find your brothers?"
I nodded. "Do you know where they are, Em?"
She handed me a cupcake and I grinned ruefully. She, as usual, read my mind. I was still a little hungry and craving something sweet. "They all stopped phasing not too long ago, but they meet up in the woods near the cliffs to bond. That's what they say anyway."
I ate the last bite of the chocolate-banana cupcake. "Thanks. And thanks for the cupcake, too."
As I turned toward the door, I hesitated, looking back at her. "This isn't going to be easy, is it? Do they hate me?"
She laid a hand on my arm. "They could never hate you. In some ways, they understood why you left, but maybe not fully because you left them behind. It isn't going to be easy, especially for Embry and Quil. They defended you when the others were furious about your departure; they confronted Bella when she came earlier today to La Push looking for you and protected you. They were angry on your behalf and let her know."
She paused. "They love you, Jacob, so they will be furious. Just understand that, okay?"
I sighed quietly. Knowing that made it even harder but even more necessary. I pulled her into another hug, making her smile, and kissed the top of her head. The whole situation with Sam, Emily, and Leah had sucked. I had truly felt for Leah even through all my irritation at her attitude, but I secretly believed she had a right to be furious, hurt, and to take the time she needed to come to terms with what happened.
But in the meantime, it would have been way too difficult to try and dislike Emily. She was pretty damn amazing.
I took the familiar path that led through the woods and wound my way up toward the cliffs. The clouds had parted enough in the sky to showcase a pretty sunset with warm gold and soft purple colors streaking across. I could scent the rain to come, though. It was good to be in the woods again, tracking the marks left by my brothers. I may not have been phasing, but my senses were still really good.
I could see the cliffs in glimpses through the trees. The voices of my pack were quiet, but then became absolutely silent. They were aware I was coming. So, when I came through the trees out onto the cliffs they were all staring at me. It seems we all had perfected the blank expressions over the past couple years. It didn't stop the relief I felt at seeing all of them together, alive and well.
Sam stood up. "Jacob. We heard you returned today."
I nodded and stepped forward. "I wanted to see all of you, to try to explain…"
My eyes met Quil's and then Embry's. "Yeah, like where the hell you have been. And why the fuck you abandoned us for this long," Quil replied.
I knew it was coming, thanks to Emily, and tried to take it in stride. It still stung, though.
I stayed near the trees, not wanting to infringe too much in their space. They were angry, our personalities still ran a little more toward volatile, and I didn't want to cause any issues. My back resting against a tree, I met everyone's eyes, saving Quil and Embry for last. I held their gazes, took a deep breath, and began the process of trying to make my own amends.
*~*~*
BPOV
I paced my bedroom, feeling like a caged animal, and having no idea what to do to alleviate it. My friends were non-existent. My life had been too wrapped up in the Cullen's before I left and when I was gone it hadn't changed much. I had started to become friendly with a couple people before I had to go into hiding.
I felt the need to get out of the house, but I didn't want to leave Charlie so soon. Renee would be flying in tomorrow, too, and I wanted to be sure to have things ready for her. Both Charlie and Renee had agreed to have dinner together with me; one of the first times we would all be together, just the three of us, since I was a child.
I ended up in the kitchen and made a spice cake for tomorrow. Charlie had agreed to stop at the grocery store with me on the way home from La Push earlier to get what I would need to make a meal for tomorrow night. I had perused the aisles, my mind going over and over what Jake had looked like, how he had sounded, and I felt my heart sinking further.
He had a right to be angry I kept trying to tell myself.
But he was so angry and so hurt. I could see it crack through the blank expression on his face once or twice. It pained me to see just how much when all I had wanted from the beginning was Jake. I was just too young, too obsessed with the idea of becoming a vampire and being with Edward forever, to take the time to understand the ramifications of my choices and realize what I truly wanted.
I wanted to grow up and go to school, to have a job I enjoyed, to get married to Jacob, and to bear his children. It wasn't something I needed immediately in my life. There were still things I wanted to experience and Jacob deserved the chance to experience life, too, before all of that. Anyway, I was still young, but I wanted to begin the process of this life. Of course, that hinged on what Jacob wanted and I hadn't gotten much of a clue as to what he wanted.
Who knows what his life in Port Angeles was like?
I realized something in talking to him for that brief amount of time, though. There was still some confusion in my life; an unsettled chapter. There might even be some anger I never dealt with, anger that I really didn't want to deal with. At least not yet.
I glanced down, surprised that I had managed to finish chopping up the vegetables and chicken for tonight's dinner. I made some rice and prepared the stir-fry for dinner. The sky outside cleared and revealed a sunset and I wondered what Jake was doing. He had a duffel bag with him, so he would be staying in La Push for tonight anyway. I would go back early tomorrow morning before Renee's flight came in to try and talk to him again.
I called Charlie for dinner.
While he washed up, I glanced out the window and saw a flash of movement. My heart leapt in my chest, but then sank when I realized it wasn't Jake. It was…
Leah Clearwater?
Night had closed in, but I could see her long hair blowing back in the breeze, her eyes fixed on mine. I cleared my throat.
"Dad? I'm going to step outside for a minute, get some fresh air. I'll be back in a little bit."
He scrutinized me for a moment and then nodded.
Once outside, I faced Leah. "Leah? What are you doing here?" I couldn't figure out why she of all people came here. We never had a whole lot of contact.
"I just wondered where you got the nerve to come back here after what you did to Jake."
I could feel the frustration at being blasted from all different angles today building up inside. There was only so much I could take. I stepped down off the porch and away from the house a little further.
"And I'm wondering why it is any of your business," I said as calmly as I could.
Her gaze hardened. "When it concerns one of mine, I have a problem. I don't know why you're back, why you left your precious bloodsuckers, but don't you dare drag Jacob back down again. You screwed up and took off on him."
I glared back at her. "It may concern you, but you still have no business getting involved in what may or may not happen between me and Jake. I'm well aware of what I did, but don't start preaching to the choir. You made your own mistakes and let them suffer for something that wasn't their fault," I shot back at her.
She moved closer yet, getting in my face, eyes flashing. She loomed over me, powerful and angry.
"Don't you dare try to turn this back on me. I didn't come here to get into a bitch fight with you. I'm just warning you to watch your step. Don't push your luck, Swan."
"Yeah, well, don't you push your luck, Clearwater," I snapped back as she turned to walk away.
I thought I heard her give a small snort of laughter, but her face was still cold. "Sassy. There may be hope for you yet, leech-lover."
I gave her a dismissive wave and strode back inside wondering what exactly had happened there. Did she hate me or was she commending me for standing up for myself? With Leah you couldn't really tell. Instead, I went into the living room to watch some television with Charlie.
We agreed on a movie and watched it together in companionable silence. When the movie was over, I glanced up at Charlie and found him asleep in his arm chair. He was finally sleeping, something I wasn't sure he had been doing too much of, so I didn't want to wake him. He was a bit restless, the worry lines still evident on his face.
I went upstairs and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and came back down. He was muttering in his sleep and sighed, "Bella…"
I bit my lip, feeling the urge to cry. He was doing better, but he still hadn't completely stopped worrying. It was upsetting that he thought I would disappear again. I grabbed the extra blanket and laid it over him, touching his bristly cheek lightly.
"I love you, dad," I whispered.
I grabbed the other blanket and stretched out on the couch, laying my hand over his on the armchair right next to me, and dozed off. At least with me here, he would be able to get some rest knowing I was right nearby.
Chapter 4
*~*~*
AN: There will be more to come with the talk between Jake and the pack (and the other talks). It would've taken me a lot longer to finish this if I included all of that in this chapter!
So, yes, Lila is a girlfriend… and it's funny but I had left it open-ended like that because I didn't know if that was what I wanted. I seriously did originally consider making it a pet! And had to laugh when so many thought that, too. :o) There will be more on that… it doesn't necessarily mean it's anything serious! So don't worry too much. :o)
And lastly, thoughts about Leah? Bella's a little confused on what she was doing there… and some of her reactions… curious as to what you thought. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think! Love hearing from everyone!
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
And I'll cross oceans like never before/So you can feel the way I feel it too/And I'll mirror images back at you/So you can see the way I feel it too/Maybe I had said something that was wrong/Can I make it better with the lights turned on
*~*~*
JPOV
When I moved from the trees, I got my first glimpse of Bella after a few years apart. She was twenty-one now and it was close to her birthday. She didn't look much older, though she carried herself differently. She looked very much alive, and I closed my eyes briefly against all the emotions storming through me. How could she have been alive and not contacted me? Or, my God, Charlie? He was her father!
As I moved closer, she turned and saw me. Her eyes widened and she stood, and I could see the subtle differences face-to-face as I continued moving slowly toward her. Her chocolate eyes were tired, shadowed, and filled with sadness. It made me wonder what she had to be sad about. She wasn't the one going around thinking someone she loved was dead.
Her hair was shorter, and she did seem older in some ways. It looked as if she had grown up fast, too. The look on her face was wary, but hopeful. As I reached her, I could hear her heart beating and the sudden rush of feeling to my limbs was overwhelming. My initial thought had been that she was turned into a leech, but because it happened a year into her marriage, I hadn't been sure if it was that or an actual death. I had talked to her in the first year, however reluctantly, and she was still human. And she hadn't seemed in a hurry to change anymore.
The not knowing had made it so much harder.
My fingers reached out of their own volition, and I touched the tips of my fingers to her heart. I heard it, but I wanted to feel the steady thump to reassure myself. It was there, strong and steady. My eyes flicked up to her face, taking in her surprised look. She looked like she wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear what she had to say.
Who was I kidding?
I wanted to know why the hell she had put Charlie and me through this living hell. Where the fuck were those Cullen leeches? The anger was making itself known again and I stared at her.
"Why, Bella? Do you get off on torturing people who care about you? People who never lived up to the precious Cullens anyway."
Her eyes widened in surprise and she recoiled. "Wh… Jake… no, of course not."
My eyes fixed coolly on hers. Even as a part of me rebelled, wanted to crush her to me in relief, I kept my distance. I couldn't let myself cave in. She needed to be held accountable for the emotional suffering she caused. It was hard enough for me to go on, but to see Charlie so utterly devastated was something I wouldn't forget. Renee, when she came… well, all she could do was sob, but Charlie had retreated into himself. I hadn't been around for it, but I knew he began drinking too much, had a terrible fight with my Dad and Sue.
"Did Edward just decide he was done toying with your emotions? Is that why you came back? Why on earth did you let people believe you were dead when that obviously isn't the case?"
"Jake, I had no idea anyone thought I was dead… it wasn't my intention for anyone to find this out. As far as Edward is concerned, it's over."
I furrowed my brow, examining her. It eased some of the hurt, but I wasn't feeling very rational. And what did she mean it was over? She threw her life away; her friends and family to be with that life-sucking bastard.
"Faking your death, Bells? Is that what you did or did your husband decide to do that?"
She bristled. "There are reasons for that. I made a lot of mistakes. I'm aware of that, Jake, but I came back with the intention to try and make things right. I was blind-sided by the notion that everyone here considered me dead. I didn't mean to hurt anyone!"
"Hurt them?" I was incredulous. "How can you not have realized this could very easily get back to your father? Charlie is the fucking Chief of Police, Bella! He was worried sick when he stopped hearing from you! Whether or not you meant for anyone to find out about it… we did."
Her gaze was steady and she met my eyes directly. It wasn't quite like the Bella I had known previously, the girl who could get fired up at me, but never came across as real confident.
"I did what I had to do, Jacob," she said, her voice cooler now. "I was never Edward's plaything, but I grew up regardless. If I could change things, I would. It wasn't easy and mistakes were made, but I missed you and Charlie, my mom…"
Her voice broke and she looked so utterly defeated.
A lump was in my throat as I stared at her. It felt like there was a mile between us even though I was right in front of her. "Can this… what you and I had… be repaired?" Her voice shook.
"I don't know, Bella."
I was still so hurt, confused, and angry. Plus, I had a life in Port Angeles. Lila stayed behind, okay with letting me leave to deal with an old life. I wasn't sure how understanding she would be, though, if I chose to live this old life again. Regardless, it was time I stopped running. I would go to Billy, Rachel, and try to make amends with the pack. The strands of my old life needed to be woven back together if they could. It had been on my mind lately and this served as an opportunity to do what I had to do.
We stared at each other.
"Bells?" I heard Charlie calling for her and she started. I could see the worry in her eyes as she spun around to hurry toward him and reassure him.
I was glad to see that. At least she cared enough to be concerned that Charlie knew where she was. Charlie's eyes met mine and he nodded slightly. His gaze was full of understanding; of how this had affected me and what he had seen the night I had found out about Bella.
Just as I had seen him falling apart at the seams. Bella was watching both of us, eyes narrowed, obviously having seen the look that passed between me and her father.
"We have to go," Charlie told me. "It's good to see you again, Jake."
I nodded. "Yeah, you too, Charlie."
As they walked away, I could practically feel the dejection coming off of her in waves. "Bella?" I called after her.
She turned her pale, heart-shaped face to look at me.
"Nothing is impossible."
*~*~*
I made my way to the little red house I grew up in. Both Billy and Rachel were home. A bit hesitantly, I knocked. There was shuffling inside, the door opened, and I was staring into dark eyes just like mine. Rachel's hair was swept up into a ponytail and she looked tired. Her eyes widened when she saw me.
"Jacob?"
The next thing I knew, Rachel had her arms around my neck, hugging me so tight that I began to wonder if she had been working out. I held on to her, realizing just how much I had missed her.
She punched me in the chest… hard. "Asshole," she said, lips trembling. "If I didn't already love you, I would hate you for leaving." She threw her arms around me again.
I rubbed my chest absently, holding her to me with my other arm, and dropped my forehead on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Rach," I murmured. "I missed you a whole hell of a lot."
"You could have called," she sniffled. "I know I had your phone number, but Dad told me not to call unless it was really important."
"I should have," I told her. "I know I didn't handle things very well, but I couldn't face the memories. I hope you can forgive me, sis."
She rubbed her eyes, glared at me, and flounced into the kitchen. I couldn't help laughing a little. I knew that was a sign she would forgive me, but she wanted me to suffer first. What I had put her through… well, I figured I deserved it. I dropped my duffel onto the couch, moving down the tiny hall to my Dad's bedroom. His door was partially open and he was sitting at the little worktable we had set up in there for his wood-working. He was carving something, but I knew he was aware I was there.
He looked up at me slowly, his face expressionless. I pushed the door open, leaning against the doorjamb, my hands awkwardly shoved into my pockets. My father spoke with his eyes, thousands of words that meant something, without ever needing to say them.
I've missed you.
My son is a complete dumbass.
I love you.
I will forgive you, but you need to make me believe I can count on you.
He handed me his other carving tool, and in true manly fashion, I sat down in his little chair and began to whittle away in silence. Billy was never a big talker, mostly because he only said what really needed to be said. We continued to work together as Rachel banged dishes out in the kitchen in her frustration. She definitely took after our mother.
Finally, I set down the carving tool, reaching for a piece of sandpaper, when Billy laid his hand over mine. He held on, his hand shaking a little, and I swallowed roughly. I looked up at him, conveying my apologies without saying a word.
He smiled slightly. "I missed you, son."
"I missed you, too, Dad."
Rachel called us to dinner later and we ate chicken and rice, talking occasionally about non-important things. I knew it wouldn't be this easy with my brothers. When I cleaned up after dinner, I told Billy where I was going and headed toward Sam and Emily's place. I wanted to find Quil and Embry first, but I walked by both of their houses on the way and both were dark.
Sam and Emily's house was emitting a warm glow from the windows. Flower pots filled with wildflowers were scattered around, and I could see smoke coming from the chimney. I knocked on the door and waited, nervously, until Emily opened it. Her eyes widened when she saw me.
"Jacob? Oh my God, it's you."
This was the second time a woman threw herself into my arms. I smiled, hugging her back. "Em," I said, comforted by her warm familiarity. "How are you?"
"Good," she said, leaning back. "But more importantly, how are you? Are you back because…" Her voice trailed off and she looked embarrassed.
"I'm okay. I did come back because of what I heard, but I think I would have come back regardless. I had been thinking about it a lot lately."
She beckoned me into the kitchen. "Jake, it is so good to see you. I take it you are here trying to find your brothers?"
I nodded. "Do you know where they are, Em?"
She handed me a cupcake and I grinned ruefully. She, as usual, read my mind. I was still a little hungry and craving something sweet. "They all stopped phasing not too long ago, but they meet up in the woods near the cliffs to bond. That's what they say anyway."
I ate the last bite of the chocolate-banana cupcake. "Thanks. And thanks for the cupcake, too."
As I turned toward the door, I hesitated, looking back at her. "This isn't going to be easy, is it? Do they hate me?"
She laid a hand on my arm. "They could never hate you. In some ways, they understood why you left, but maybe not fully because you left them behind. It isn't going to be easy, especially for Embry and Quil. They defended you when the others were furious about your departure; they confronted Bella when she came earlier today to La Push looking for you and protected you. They were angry on your behalf and let her know."
She paused. "They love you, Jacob, so they will be furious. Just understand that, okay?"
I sighed quietly. Knowing that made it even harder but even more necessary. I pulled her into another hug, making her smile, and kissed the top of her head. The whole situation with Sam, Emily, and Leah had sucked. I had truly felt for Leah even through all my irritation at her attitude, but I secretly believed she had a right to be furious, hurt, and to take the time she needed to come to terms with what happened.
But in the meantime, it would have been way too difficult to try and dislike Emily. She was pretty damn amazing.
I took the familiar path that led through the woods and wound my way up toward the cliffs. The clouds had parted enough in the sky to showcase a pretty sunset with warm gold and soft purple colors streaking across. I could scent the rain to come, though. It was good to be in the woods again, tracking the marks left by my brothers. I may not have been phasing, but my senses were still really good.
I could see the cliffs in glimpses through the trees. The voices of my pack were quiet, but then became absolutely silent. They were aware I was coming. So, when I came through the trees out onto the cliffs they were all staring at me. It seems we all had perfected the blank expressions over the past couple years. It didn't stop the relief I felt at seeing all of them together, alive and well.
Sam stood up. "Jacob. We heard you returned today."
I nodded and stepped forward. "I wanted to see all of you, to try to explain…"
My eyes met Quil's and then Embry's. "Yeah, like where the hell you have been. And why the fuck you abandoned us for this long," Quil replied.
I knew it was coming, thanks to Emily, and tried to take it in stride. It still stung, though.
I stayed near the trees, not wanting to infringe too much in their space. They were angry, our personalities still ran a little more toward volatile, and I didn't want to cause any issues. My back resting against a tree, I met everyone's eyes, saving Quil and Embry for last. I held their gazes, took a deep breath, and began the process of trying to make my own amends.
*~*~*
BPOV
I paced my bedroom, feeling like a caged animal, and having no idea what to do to alleviate it. My friends were non-existent. My life had been too wrapped up in the Cullen's before I left and when I was gone it hadn't changed much. I had started to become friendly with a couple people before I had to go into hiding.
I felt the need to get out of the house, but I didn't want to leave Charlie so soon. Renee would be flying in tomorrow, too, and I wanted to be sure to have things ready for her. Both Charlie and Renee had agreed to have dinner together with me; one of the first times we would all be together, just the three of us, since I was a child.
I ended up in the kitchen and made a spice cake for tomorrow. Charlie had agreed to stop at the grocery store with me on the way home from La Push earlier to get what I would need to make a meal for tomorrow night. I had perused the aisles, my mind going over and over what Jake had looked like, how he had sounded, and I felt my heart sinking further.
He had a right to be angry I kept trying to tell myself.
But he was so angry and so hurt. I could see it crack through the blank expression on his face once or twice. It pained me to see just how much when all I had wanted from the beginning was Jake. I was just too young, too obsessed with the idea of becoming a vampire and being with Edward forever, to take the time to understand the ramifications of my choices and realize what I truly wanted.
I wanted to grow up and go to school, to have a job I enjoyed, to get married to Jacob, and to bear his children. It wasn't something I needed immediately in my life. There were still things I wanted to experience and Jacob deserved the chance to experience life, too, before all of that. Anyway, I was still young, but I wanted to begin the process of this life. Of course, that hinged on what Jacob wanted and I hadn't gotten much of a clue as to what he wanted.
Who knows what his life in Port Angeles was like?
I realized something in talking to him for that brief amount of time, though. There was still some confusion in my life; an unsettled chapter. There might even be some anger I never dealt with, anger that I really didn't want to deal with. At least not yet.
I glanced down, surprised that I had managed to finish chopping up the vegetables and chicken for tonight's dinner. I made some rice and prepared the stir-fry for dinner. The sky outside cleared and revealed a sunset and I wondered what Jake was doing. He had a duffel bag with him, so he would be staying in La Push for tonight anyway. I would go back early tomorrow morning before Renee's flight came in to try and talk to him again.
I called Charlie for dinner.
While he washed up, I glanced out the window and saw a flash of movement. My heart leapt in my chest, but then sank when I realized it wasn't Jake. It was…
Leah Clearwater?
Night had closed in, but I could see her long hair blowing back in the breeze, her eyes fixed on mine. I cleared my throat.
"Dad? I'm going to step outside for a minute, get some fresh air. I'll be back in a little bit."
He scrutinized me for a moment and then nodded.
Once outside, I faced Leah. "Leah? What are you doing here?" I couldn't figure out why she of all people came here. We never had a whole lot of contact.
"I just wondered where you got the nerve to come back here after what you did to Jake."
I could feel the frustration at being blasted from all different angles today building up inside. There was only so much I could take. I stepped down off the porch and away from the house a little further.
"And I'm wondering why it is any of your business," I said as calmly as I could.
Her gaze hardened. "When it concerns one of mine, I have a problem. I don't know why you're back, why you left your precious bloodsuckers, but don't you dare drag Jacob back down again. You screwed up and took off on him."
I glared back at her. "It may concern you, but you still have no business getting involved in what may or may not happen between me and Jake. I'm well aware of what I did, but don't start preaching to the choir. You made your own mistakes and let them suffer for something that wasn't their fault," I shot back at her.
She moved closer yet, getting in my face, eyes flashing. She loomed over me, powerful and angry.
"Don't you dare try to turn this back on me. I didn't come here to get into a bitch fight with you. I'm just warning you to watch your step. Don't push your luck, Swan."
"Yeah, well, don't you push your luck, Clearwater," I snapped back as she turned to walk away.
I thought I heard her give a small snort of laughter, but her face was still cold. "Sassy. There may be hope for you yet, leech-lover."
I gave her a dismissive wave and strode back inside wondering what exactly had happened there. Did she hate me or was she commending me for standing up for myself? With Leah you couldn't really tell. Instead, I went into the living room to watch some television with Charlie.
We agreed on a movie and watched it together in companionable silence. When the movie was over, I glanced up at Charlie and found him asleep in his arm chair. He was finally sleeping, something I wasn't sure he had been doing too much of, so I didn't want to wake him. He was a bit restless, the worry lines still evident on his face.
I went upstairs and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and came back down. He was muttering in his sleep and sighed, "Bella…"
I bit my lip, feeling the urge to cry. He was doing better, but he still hadn't completely stopped worrying. It was upsetting that he thought I would disappear again. I grabbed the extra blanket and laid it over him, touching his bristly cheek lightly.
"I love you, dad," I whispered.
I grabbed the other blanket and stretched out on the couch, laying my hand over his on the armchair right next to me, and dozed off. At least with me here, he would be able to get some rest knowing I was right nearby.
Chapter 4
*~*~*
AN: There will be more to come with the talk between Jake and the pack (and the other talks). It would've taken me a lot longer to finish this if I included all of that in this chapter!
So, yes, Lila is a girlfriend… and it's funny but I had left it open-ended like that because I didn't know if that was what I wanted. I seriously did originally consider making it a pet! And had to laugh when so many thought that, too. :o) There will be more on that… it doesn't necessarily mean it's anything serious! So don't worry too much. :o)
And lastly, thoughts about Leah? Bella's a little confused on what she was doing there… and some of her reactions… curious as to what you thought. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think! Love hearing from everyone!