FIC: No Map for Our Travels - Part Three [Jared/Jensen femslash, NC-17]
Masterpost | Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Epilogue | Outtakes | Art
Just when Jensen was starting to feel that her life had turned into a very gay fairy tale, reality showed up to slap her in the face.
Five weeks before graduation, Sam called Jensen into her office without an explanation. Jensen hadn't worried about it until she was sitting across from Sam, who wore a serious expression Jensen had never seen directed at her before. She sat up straighter in her chair.
"Jensen," Sam said, then paused. "I'm sorry to have to ask this, but what's your relationship with Jared Padalecki?"
Jensen stared. "Um," she said. "She's my - my girlfriend."
"Damnit," Sam muttered under her breath. "Does that explain this picture, then?"
Sam pushed an envelope across her desk to Jensen, who opened it to find a picture of herself and Jay, sitting together at a table in one of the campus cafes. She had her arm around Jay, and they definitely looked cozier than two friends usually would. She remembered that day, but she couldn't begin to guess who would have been taking pictures of them. She shivered at the idea of someone being close enough to do that without her noticing. Jensen looked back up at Sam wordlessly. She didn't understand what any of this meant.
"I got a letter with the picture," Sam said eventually. "It said that I needed to look into the relationship between my TA and one of her students."
"A letter from who?" Jensen asked, and Sam shook her head.
"I don't know, it wasn't signed. But Jensen, it's not good. Why would you date a student?"
"I didn't," Jensen protested, head still spinning. "Sam, I wouldn't! We didn't even start spending time together as friends until the quarter was over and her grades were in! She's not even in the architecture program!"
Sam kept eye contact with Jensen for a long moment, seemingly trying to ascertain Jensen's truthfulness.
"Okay," she said, nodding slowly. "Okay, I believe you. But Jensen, you should have told me you were dating a former student. You know how far some people will go to discredit someone they envy, and you're one of our top students in the program. If I'd known all along, it wouldn't have been as big of an issue, but it doesn't look good that you kept it a secret."
"I didn't mean to," Jensen said, the confusion still plain in her voice. Who would have sent that note to Sam? She had always gotten along with the other people in her program, and there was no one who - she stopped that thought abruptly. She had been getting what she had assumed were random prank calls for the last few weeks, where the caller would breathe for a few seconds and then hang up. Maybe it wasn't random at all - but she still couldn't think of someone she knew who would do that to her.
"Sam, I'm so sorry - I didn't mention it because it didn't even occur to me that it might look bad, since we didn't do anything until the quarter was over. I didn't mean to hide it!"
"I understand, but - I'm sorry about this Jensen, but I'm going to have to suspend your TA position for the rest of the year." Sam sighed, her eyes heavy with pity. "I want you to know that I don't believe you did anything wrong, but this letter and picture got sent to the Dean as well as to me. If I'd known ahead of time, I might have been able to do something else, but he initially wanted to drop you from the program completely. I can convince him not to do that, but I'll have to take away your TA job."
"What?" Jensen said, her voice barely audible even to herself.
"You'll be okay," Sam said, as if she were trying to convince both of them. "You're generally a smart person, and I don't think one bad decision is the end of your career. If you need anything - well, you know where I am."
Jensen nodded dumbly. She couldn't believe this was happening. Sam gave her a sad, disappointed smile as she stood up, ending their meeting, and Jensen's eyes stung with angry tears at losing the trust of her mentor. She walked stiffly out of Sam's office with her head held high, fighting to keep herself calm.
Outside the building, Jensen allowed herself to slump, and sank down onto a bench to think. She would still get her degree, and she still had the internship for the summer, but she doubted Dean Morgan would be receptive to her job application at his firm, which had been her ultimate goal after graduating. She'd have to find another job right away - they couldn't take away her partial tuition waiver for the quarter, but she'd need money for rent and food. And what should she tell Jay? She knew Jay would feel guilty, would try to take responsibility for this somehow, but if it was anyone's fault, it was her own. She should have been thinking, should have been responsible.
Jensen lifted her head at the sound of her name, steeling herself for conversation. She didn't want to face anyone she knew, but it looked like she wasn't going to get a choice. When she recognized Justin's face bending over hers, she blinked in surprise. He was the last person she expected to run into on campus.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "You don't look so good."
"I'm - I'm just a little upset," she answered, wiping at her eyes. "I had a really bad day."
"I'm sorry," Justin said. He sat down next to Jensen and touched her arm, which spurred her into moving away. She didn't need his sympathy.
"Did that girl do something to you?" he asked. Jensen looked around, not understanding what he meant.
"What girl?" Jensen asked, when it was clear Justin wasn't going to explain himself.
He looked away, over her shoulder, and mumbled "your girlfriend."
"Jay?" Jensen said. "Why would you even bring her up? It's school stuff, not her."
"You just didn't look very happy, and I know she's been around a lot lately. It seems like she's trying to make you someone you're not."
"What, and you know who I really am?" Jensen asked. "I haven't seen you more than three times since we broke up. How do you know - wait, have you been - have you been stalking me?"
When he flushed, Jensen knew she'd hit on the truth. She stood up from the bench. "So you've just been following me around, waiting for a good moment when I looked vulnerable to give me a lecture and…" she trailed off, suddenly sure that he hadn't waited for a chance. He'd created the chance. No one else she knew even vaguely would do something like this.
"You did it, didn't you?" she asked. "You spied on me, found out that Jay took a class where I was the TA, and then sent Dr. Ferris that picture and the note?"
"What note?" Justin asked, failing to achieve the calm for which he was clearly trying.
"The note that got me fired from my TA job, which is the whole reason for my bad day!"
"I'm doing this for your own good!" Justin shouted, finally losing his temper. He stood up as well and came closer, and Jensen shrank back, embarrassed by the people beginning to notice their conversation, but grateful for their presence all the same. Justin wouldn't dare do anything too awful in front of so many witnesses.
"You have to understand that your actions have consequences," he said, his voice quieter, but still tight with anger. "If you insist on an unnatural relationship, bad things are going to happen to you."
"What is wrong with you?" Jensen couldn't reconcile the man in front of her with the person she'd dated. His red face looked fervent, like he actually believed what he was saying. "The only bad thing that's happened to me lately is all your doing!"
"No," he denied. "No, I'm helping you. I could be so good for you, you have to see that!"
Jensen shook her head. "The only thing I see is that you're completely delusional. I'm leaving now, and if I hear from you again or see you anywhere near me or Jay, you're going to regret it."
She started walking away, and when he followed her and tried to grab her am, one of the people who'd been surreptitiously watching them came up to her and smiled at Jensen.
"Hey," she said, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind one ear. "Are you okay?"
Justin tried to grab Jensen again, and the woman neatly pulled Jensen out of reach. "This is a private conversation," he told her.
"I'm okay, I just need to leave," Jensen told the woman. She nodded and ignored Justin, linking arms with Jensen and walking them away. Justin let them leave without further incident, and at the edge of campus, Jensen thanked her escort.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," she said. "I'm Jensen, and that's my shitty ex who can't handle the fact that I'm dating a girl now."
"I'm Katie," the woman said. "And I'm just glad I could help." She sighed. "I know what's it like to have an ex like that."
"I'm sorry," Jensen said again, and Katie just smiled at her.
"If he makes you feel unsafe again, you can come to the campus Women's Center," Katie said. "I volunteer there, but we also have actual counselors and pre-law students, too."
"I do know about it," Jensen said. "I just never thought I'd need to use it."
"Hopefully you won't. Be safe, Jensen," Katie said, turning to walk away. Jensen waved and then turned to make her own way to the MAX station.
Jensen fumed all the way home, and when she saw that Danneel wasn't there, she left again right away to see if Jay was home. She walked, using the time to think about everything. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to tell Jay - she'd probably feel responsible. But Jensen couldn't keep something like losing her job a secret for long, and Jay deserved the truth.
Decision made, Jensen didn't waste any time with small talk when Jay let her into the apartment, and told Jay everything that had happened.
"That dirty little bastard!" Jay said when she had finished. "I wish I could punch him."
Jensen grinned, but Jay's face suddenly fell. "Oh, Jensen, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. And what if that girl hadn't been around to help you leave?"
"But she was there, and this is not your fault," Jensen retorted. "It's Justin's fault for being a jerk." She could tell Jay didn't really believe her.
"I can talk to Dr. Ferris, and the Dean," Jay said. "Let me go and tell them it's not what they think."
"Sam believes me," Jensen replied. She frowned, remembering the disappointed look in Sam's eyes. "But it's not enough, and I don't think it's worth trying to convince Dean Morgan. Either he believes what Sam tells him or he doesn't, but he still won't give me my job back."
"What if - if we broke up?" Jay said, shakily, refusing to look at Jensen. "Then, maybe you could get it back, and Justin would leave you alone and - "
"No," Jensen said, steel resolve in her voice. "No, they're not going to win, we won't let them." She pulled Jay's chin down, kissing her deeply.
Jay's arms closed around her shoulders and held her tightly as they broke the kiss, their foreheads leaning together.
"What, do we win by kissing?" Jay asked.
Jensen smiled, but she felt too strongly about this to laugh. "No, although that does help. We win by living and loving each other and being happy and proving all of the world's stupid homophobes wrong."
Jay blinked rapidly and hid her face in Jensen's neck. "Okay," she said, voice muffled. "It's a deal."
"Good," Jensen said, twisting to kiss Jay's cheek.
"Jen, what if he tries again?" Jay asked.
Jensen laughed darkly. "If he comes near either of us again, I'm getting a restraining order, or calling my older brother." She tipped Jay's head back, meeting her eyes. "I don't know what will happen with Justin, but I'm going to tell Sam he was the one who sent the note, and then we'll deal with anything else if and when it happens, okay?"
It took a minute, but Jay nodded. Jensen knew it might take a while for them both to feel normal again, but as long as Jay didn't leave her, she thought they would be okay.
++++
In retrospect, Jay realized how ridiculous the whole thing sounded, but she wasn't exactly acting rationally when Genevieve brought up the topic of where she'd be living next year, and what Jensen would be doing, during a phone conversation, and Jay had no idea how to answer. She still felt fragile about Jensen, guilty about what Justin had done, even though she knew it wasn't her fault.
She and Jensen hadn't discussed any plans for next year, after all - she would be starting her second and last year in the fall, unless she decided to stay and get her PhD as well, and Jensen - Jensen would be graduating with her degree in June. She had an internship at a local firm for the summer, but she would be done with school for good and looking for work. Jay could probably sign another year's lease with Chad in their current apartment. She knew Jensen loved living in Portland, but neither of them had brought up what would happen between them if Jensen had to move for a job, and oh god, what if Jensen only thought of her as a last college fling? What if Jensen really wanted to find a guy, have babies, a white picket fence life? What if Justin's sabotage had convinced her that being with Jay wasn't worth it? Jay let her mind wander irrationally, imagining the horror of Jensen telling her it was just a case of lesbian until graduation, and they could still be friends, right?
"Jay? Jared?" Genevieve sounded worried, and Jay realized she'd been staring at herself in the mirror silently for who knew how long.
"I'm fine," she said, hearing the lie in her voice. "Um, I don't know.
"Jared Padalecki, are you imagining some kind of ridiculous scenario where Jensen is going to dump you for ruining her life and also secretly has a husband hidden away in a closet somewhere?"
Jay swallowed. "Nooo," she said unconvincingly.
"Knock it off! Everyone and their grandmother knows she's head over heels for you, okay?"
"But - "
"No, you don't get a vote." Genevieve's voice got higher and louder, and Jay held her phone away from her ear. "You are going to pretend to be a fucking grown-up, and the next time you see Jensen, you'll ask her what she plans to do next year, and you'll tell her calmly and maturely that you want to stay with her no matter what."
Jay drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly before replying. "I know I'm being stupid," she said quietly. "I love her, and I feel guilty and scared, and it's making me panic."
Genevieve's voice softened, and Jay wished Gen were there in person to give her a hug. "I know," Genevieve said. "I know. But it's going to be fine, okay?"
"Okay," Jay replied. "Okay."
They talked for a few more minutes before Genevieve had to leave, and by the time she hung up, Jay felt calmer. She would take each day as it came, and deal with problems when they actually occurred and not before.
Jay tried to keep Genevieve's good advice in her mind, but when she got a text from Jensen later that day that only said can i come over? want to ask you something, she replied with a simple yes, here now and then sat down on the couch to wait without even noticing Chad's dirty socks right under her feet. By the time Jensen knocked and came in, Jay had worked herself back into a panic, picturing Jensen telling her it was over.
"I don't want to break up!" she blurted out. Jensen stared blankly at her for a moment, then swallowed.
"Um," she said slowly. "I wasn't aware that was an option?"
Jay stood up and started pacing. "It's not! I know I offered before, but I'm taking it back! I mean, I don't want to, but what if you can't find a job here? It's my fault you didn't get an interview with the firm you planned to work for - "
Jensen grabbed her arm gently and pulled her into a hug. "Shh," she murmured, and Jay would have been resentful at being treated like a baby, but the sounds, combined with Jensen's slim arms around her, calmed her instantly. She realized with dismay that her eyes were starting to fill with tears, and that brought her back completely.
"Oh my god," she said into Jensen's neck. "What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm sorry, that was totally ridiculous."
Jay lifted her head to look down at Jensen, who smiled.
"A little bit ridiculous," Jensen said. "But we haven't really talked about my plans for next year, so I understand. But we've been over this - it's not your fault Dean Morgan's firm didn't offer me a job. If it's anyone's fault it’s mine for not being honest with Sam from the start, but even if Justin hadn't been a total asshole, I might not have been interviewed anyway. There's no point in worrying about the what-ifs, but I've been thinking about what to do now - actually, I have a proposition for you about next year. That's why I wanted to talk tonight."
"Should I be sitting down?" Jay tried a grin, and thought she almost succeeded.
Jensen's mouth quirked slightly, and she pulled them both down onto the couch. "We don't need to be sitting, but it would be more comfortable."
Jay turned to sit cross-legged on the couch, facing Jensen. "Okay, fire away."
"Do you want to live with me next year?"
Jay's mouth dropped open. She didn't say anything until she saw Jensen starting to worry at her silence. "Oh my god, yes," she quickly said. "Where? How? Why?"
Jensen let out a breath. "Well, our apartment building's getting turned into condos at the end of the summer and we have to move. Danneel decided she was tired of shared walls, and a friend of hers is moving into an apartment, which means her old house is going to be open in late August. It's really close to the school, and it's on the Blue Line. But it's got three bedrooms, and it's kind of expensive for just the two of us, especially since I don't have a job yet."
Jay started to feel a little less enthusiastic. "So, you need a rent partner?" she asked, knowing she wasn't hiding the hurt in her voice as well as she wanted.
Jensen shook her head. "No," she said, honesty in all of her features. "I kind of want to have you around all the time, freakshow. I - I love you, you know that?"
"I know," Jay replied. She did - she did know that, but Jensen had never said it so plainly before, and it felt amazing. "I love you, too."
"So," Jensen continued. "I want to wake up next to you every day, and go grocery shopping together, and come home with you at night, and jesus fuck, Jay, if you don't shut me up I'm going to die of embarrassment."
Jay pulled her into a hug. "Of course I want to live with you!"
Jensen nodded against Jay's chest. "Good. Oh, also, Danneel says Chad can come if he promises not to hit on her and you don't want your own room."
She couldn't help it - it was too much, and she laughed. "Jensen Ackles, you are the weirdest person I have ever met, and you thought of everything."
Jensen beamed at her, more open than she'd ever seemed to Jay before, even when they'd been naked and tangled up in each other's bodies.
"Well," Jensen said. "It's your fault if I'm weird. I never did weird things before I met you."
Jay shoved her a little. "Let's go bully Chad into living with us!" she called, loud enough for Chad to hear from his room where he had promised to remain for Jensen's entire visit. She tugged Jensen along with her. "He can't resist lesbians," she confided. "It's totally in the bag."
++++
It seemed - okay, Jensen could admit she was being dumb, it was her turn after all - but it seemed too perfect. She didn't trust that feeling anymore. She'd told Danneel that Jay and Chad were on board, and they'd worked out a living agreement that both Chad and Danneel signed off on, nothing short of a minor miracle. But she still worried - it was in her nature, she supposed, and as long as she didn't let the worry win, she thought it would be okay.
They would move in over the course of Labor Day weekend, which was still three months away, but Jensen wanted to be completely prepared, so she and Danneel were working on getting rid of things they didn't need. Jensen always enjoyed the chance for a major purge. Danneel liked to watch her throw things out in a righteous fury, but she'd eventually figured out that Jensen was worried about something, and moved them both into her room. She sat Jensen down on the bed firmly, and told her to spill.
Jensen fidgeted, sitting on the bed with one of Danneel's many pillows in her lap. After waiting patiently for five minutes, Danneel gave an exasperated sigh and grabbed the pillow, throwing it into Jensen's face.
"Oh my god, what is it?" she asked. "Why are you acting like a nervous criminal?"
Jensen caught the pillow and buried her face in it. "Is it too soon?"
"I can't hear you through the pillow, smartass," Danneel said, sitting next to Jensen and taking the pillow away again.
"I said, is it too soon? For Jay and I to try and live together?" Jensen fought with Danneel to get the pillow back, but gave up after a short struggle, and sighed. "She still feels guilty about what happened with Justin even though it's not her fault, and I'm worried that she might be trying to make up for it."
Danneel looked conflicted. "For anyone else, that might be true," she said. "But I kinda think you two will be fine. It makes sense for Jay financially, and I wouldn't have suggested we try for the house if I thought it would be a problem. If things get weird, we can deal with it then." She wrinkled her nose. "Although I hadn't taken into account the disgusting amounts of PDA I'll be forced to witness."
Jensen rolled her eyes. "This, from the woman who had to be told twice that it was inappropriate to go down on her girlfriend in the living room while her roommate was in the kitchen making dinner."
"It wasn't my fault," Danneel snickered, not apologetic in the least. "Adrianne was wearing that skirt, the one that must have been a handkerchief in its former life. I was powerless to resist."
Jensen shoved Danneel over on the bed, laughing as she bounced and then scrambled up, trying to look dignified. "Just remember that you asked for it," Jensen said, then got up as well and pulled Danneel into a hug.
"Thanks," Jensen whispered. "You're kind of the only reason why I'm a marginally well-adjusted human being."
"I can't take all the credit," Danneel said modestly, then broke. "But I will take most of it."
"That sounds more like it," Jensen said, and felt some of her worry wash away.
Two weeks later, Jensen had an unexpected day off from the coffee shop where she now worked part-time, and went to see Jay. She didn't call first, wanting to surprise Jay, and she ran into Chad at the door to the building, who let her in.
"Fix it," he said cryptically, shaking his head when Jensen asked him what he was talking about. Jensen hurried upstairs. Chad's reasoning became clear once Jay let her inside the apartment and led the way to her bedroom, babbling the entire time.
" - and then I dropped the packing tape on my foot and I can't feel my toes anymore, but Chad thinks it's probably okay, and I have broken my toes before and I don't think that's what happened, but now I can't figure out what I need to pack next and I'm pretty sure the boxes I did pack are only half-full."
"Slow down," Jensen said, pulling Jay into a hug, careful to not touch her damaged toes. "Why are you packing this early?"
Jay slumped over in her arms for a moment, then stood up straight, breaking the embrace.
"I'm being prepared?" Jay said. "And, uh, planning?"
Jensen laughed, trying to muffle the sound against her arm. Jay drooped, doing a good impression of a kicked puppy, and Jensen hugged her again.
"It's really cute, don't worry," she told Jay. "I'm laughing with you, I promise."
Jay's mouth wobbled into a smile as she calmed down, and then she looked down at herself
"Oh my god," Jay said, panic rising in her voice again. "You're not supposed to see me like this, I look awful." She tugged at her hole-ridden t-shirt and bit her bottom lip. "I'm wearing Chad's sweats!"
"You do kinda smell," Jensen said thoughtfully. Jay looked horrified until she caught the smirk on Jensen's lips, and then she scowled.
"You're a bad girlfriend," she said, turning to pout at the window.
"You're going to see me looking much worse on mornings when I have to get up before eight am, and I'm going to help you organize this packing plan of yours," Jensen offered. "I'll even put out afterwards if you're not too tired."
"Did I say bad?" Jay said, throwing her arms around Jensen's neck. "I meant wonderful and amazing and sexy and talented."
"That's better," Jensen said, and began to tackle the mess of Jay's belongings. Jay protested whenever Jensen suggested something should be thrown away, and Jensen couldn't resist her pout, kissing her each time. This was it - this was how her life would be from now on, and even if they fought, even if Jensen couldn't find a job in her field and had to be a barista forever, there wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be.
No, Jensen thought, as she uncovered a box of Xena memorabilia and Jay shrieked and tried to hide it from her, she really didn't need to worry. She and Jay would be just fine.
[the end]
Epilogue
Just when Jensen was starting to feel that her life had turned into a very gay fairy tale, reality showed up to slap her in the face.
Five weeks before graduation, Sam called Jensen into her office without an explanation. Jensen hadn't worried about it until she was sitting across from Sam, who wore a serious expression Jensen had never seen directed at her before. She sat up straighter in her chair.
"Jensen," Sam said, then paused. "I'm sorry to have to ask this, but what's your relationship with Jared Padalecki?"
Jensen stared. "Um," she said. "She's my - my girlfriend."
"Damnit," Sam muttered under her breath. "Does that explain this picture, then?"
Sam pushed an envelope across her desk to Jensen, who opened it to find a picture of herself and Jay, sitting together at a table in one of the campus cafes. She had her arm around Jay, and they definitely looked cozier than two friends usually would. She remembered that day, but she couldn't begin to guess who would have been taking pictures of them. She shivered at the idea of someone being close enough to do that without her noticing. Jensen looked back up at Sam wordlessly. She didn't understand what any of this meant.
"I got a letter with the picture," Sam said eventually. "It said that I needed to look into the relationship between my TA and one of her students."
"A letter from who?" Jensen asked, and Sam shook her head.
"I don't know, it wasn't signed. But Jensen, it's not good. Why would you date a student?"
"I didn't," Jensen protested, head still spinning. "Sam, I wouldn't! We didn't even start spending time together as friends until the quarter was over and her grades were in! She's not even in the architecture program!"
Sam kept eye contact with Jensen for a long moment, seemingly trying to ascertain Jensen's truthfulness.
"Okay," she said, nodding slowly. "Okay, I believe you. But Jensen, you should have told me you were dating a former student. You know how far some people will go to discredit someone they envy, and you're one of our top students in the program. If I'd known all along, it wouldn't have been as big of an issue, but it doesn't look good that you kept it a secret."
"I didn't mean to," Jensen said, the confusion still plain in her voice. Who would have sent that note to Sam? She had always gotten along with the other people in her program, and there was no one who - she stopped that thought abruptly. She had been getting what she had assumed were random prank calls for the last few weeks, where the caller would breathe for a few seconds and then hang up. Maybe it wasn't random at all - but she still couldn't think of someone she knew who would do that to her.
"Sam, I'm so sorry - I didn't mention it because it didn't even occur to me that it might look bad, since we didn't do anything until the quarter was over. I didn't mean to hide it!"
"I understand, but - I'm sorry about this Jensen, but I'm going to have to suspend your TA position for the rest of the year." Sam sighed, her eyes heavy with pity. "I want you to know that I don't believe you did anything wrong, but this letter and picture got sent to the Dean as well as to me. If I'd known ahead of time, I might have been able to do something else, but he initially wanted to drop you from the program completely. I can convince him not to do that, but I'll have to take away your TA job."
"What?" Jensen said, her voice barely audible even to herself.
"You'll be okay," Sam said, as if she were trying to convince both of them. "You're generally a smart person, and I don't think one bad decision is the end of your career. If you need anything - well, you know where I am."
Jensen nodded dumbly. She couldn't believe this was happening. Sam gave her a sad, disappointed smile as she stood up, ending their meeting, and Jensen's eyes stung with angry tears at losing the trust of her mentor. She walked stiffly out of Sam's office with her head held high, fighting to keep herself calm.
Outside the building, Jensen allowed herself to slump, and sank down onto a bench to think. She would still get her degree, and she still had the internship for the summer, but she doubted Dean Morgan would be receptive to her job application at his firm, which had been her ultimate goal after graduating. She'd have to find another job right away - they couldn't take away her partial tuition waiver for the quarter, but she'd need money for rent and food. And what should she tell Jay? She knew Jay would feel guilty, would try to take responsibility for this somehow, but if it was anyone's fault, it was her own. She should have been thinking, should have been responsible.
Jensen lifted her head at the sound of her name, steeling herself for conversation. She didn't want to face anyone she knew, but it looked like she wasn't going to get a choice. When she recognized Justin's face bending over hers, she blinked in surprise. He was the last person she expected to run into on campus.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "You don't look so good."
"I'm - I'm just a little upset," she answered, wiping at her eyes. "I had a really bad day."
"I'm sorry," Justin said. He sat down next to Jensen and touched her arm, which spurred her into moving away. She didn't need his sympathy.
"Did that girl do something to you?" he asked. Jensen looked around, not understanding what he meant.
"What girl?" Jensen asked, when it was clear Justin wasn't going to explain himself.
He looked away, over her shoulder, and mumbled "your girlfriend."
"Jay?" Jensen said. "Why would you even bring her up? It's school stuff, not her."
"You just didn't look very happy, and I know she's been around a lot lately. It seems like she's trying to make you someone you're not."
"What, and you know who I really am?" Jensen asked. "I haven't seen you more than three times since we broke up. How do you know - wait, have you been - have you been stalking me?"
When he flushed, Jensen knew she'd hit on the truth. She stood up from the bench. "So you've just been following me around, waiting for a good moment when I looked vulnerable to give me a lecture and…" she trailed off, suddenly sure that he hadn't waited for a chance. He'd created the chance. No one else she knew even vaguely would do something like this.
"You did it, didn't you?" she asked. "You spied on me, found out that Jay took a class where I was the TA, and then sent Dr. Ferris that picture and the note?"
"What note?" Justin asked, failing to achieve the calm for which he was clearly trying.
"The note that got me fired from my TA job, which is the whole reason for my bad day!"
"I'm doing this for your own good!" Justin shouted, finally losing his temper. He stood up as well and came closer, and Jensen shrank back, embarrassed by the people beginning to notice their conversation, but grateful for their presence all the same. Justin wouldn't dare do anything too awful in front of so many witnesses.
"You have to understand that your actions have consequences," he said, his voice quieter, but still tight with anger. "If you insist on an unnatural relationship, bad things are going to happen to you."
"What is wrong with you?" Jensen couldn't reconcile the man in front of her with the person she'd dated. His red face looked fervent, like he actually believed what he was saying. "The only bad thing that's happened to me lately is all your doing!"
"No," he denied. "No, I'm helping you. I could be so good for you, you have to see that!"
Jensen shook her head. "The only thing I see is that you're completely delusional. I'm leaving now, and if I hear from you again or see you anywhere near me or Jay, you're going to regret it."
She started walking away, and when he followed her and tried to grab her am, one of the people who'd been surreptitiously watching them came up to her and smiled at Jensen.
"Hey," she said, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind one ear. "Are you okay?"
Justin tried to grab Jensen again, and the woman neatly pulled Jensen out of reach. "This is a private conversation," he told her.
"I'm okay, I just need to leave," Jensen told the woman. She nodded and ignored Justin, linking arms with Jensen and walking them away. Justin let them leave without further incident, and at the edge of campus, Jensen thanked her escort.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," she said. "I'm Jensen, and that's my shitty ex who can't handle the fact that I'm dating a girl now."
"I'm Katie," the woman said. "And I'm just glad I could help." She sighed. "I know what's it like to have an ex like that."
"I'm sorry," Jensen said again, and Katie just smiled at her.
"If he makes you feel unsafe again, you can come to the campus Women's Center," Katie said. "I volunteer there, but we also have actual counselors and pre-law students, too."
"I do know about it," Jensen said. "I just never thought I'd need to use it."
"Hopefully you won't. Be safe, Jensen," Katie said, turning to walk away. Jensen waved and then turned to make her own way to the MAX station.
Jensen fumed all the way home, and when she saw that Danneel wasn't there, she left again right away to see if Jay was home. She walked, using the time to think about everything. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to tell Jay - she'd probably feel responsible. But Jensen couldn't keep something like losing her job a secret for long, and Jay deserved the truth.
Decision made, Jensen didn't waste any time with small talk when Jay let her into the apartment, and told Jay everything that had happened.
"That dirty little bastard!" Jay said when she had finished. "I wish I could punch him."
Jensen grinned, but Jay's face suddenly fell. "Oh, Jensen, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. And what if that girl hadn't been around to help you leave?"
"But she was there, and this is not your fault," Jensen retorted. "It's Justin's fault for being a jerk." She could tell Jay didn't really believe her.
"I can talk to Dr. Ferris, and the Dean," Jay said. "Let me go and tell them it's not what they think."
"Sam believes me," Jensen replied. She frowned, remembering the disappointed look in Sam's eyes. "But it's not enough, and I don't think it's worth trying to convince Dean Morgan. Either he believes what Sam tells him or he doesn't, but he still won't give me my job back."
"What if - if we broke up?" Jay said, shakily, refusing to look at Jensen. "Then, maybe you could get it back, and Justin would leave you alone and - "
"No," Jensen said, steel resolve in her voice. "No, they're not going to win, we won't let them." She pulled Jay's chin down, kissing her deeply.
Jay's arms closed around her shoulders and held her tightly as they broke the kiss, their foreheads leaning together.
"What, do we win by kissing?" Jay asked.
Jensen smiled, but she felt too strongly about this to laugh. "No, although that does help. We win by living and loving each other and being happy and proving all of the world's stupid homophobes wrong."
Jay blinked rapidly and hid her face in Jensen's neck. "Okay," she said, voice muffled. "It's a deal."
"Good," Jensen said, twisting to kiss Jay's cheek.
"Jen, what if he tries again?" Jay asked.
Jensen laughed darkly. "If he comes near either of us again, I'm getting a restraining order, or calling my older brother." She tipped Jay's head back, meeting her eyes. "I don't know what will happen with Justin, but I'm going to tell Sam he was the one who sent the note, and then we'll deal with anything else if and when it happens, okay?"
It took a minute, but Jay nodded. Jensen knew it might take a while for them both to feel normal again, but as long as Jay didn't leave her, she thought they would be okay.
++++
In retrospect, Jay realized how ridiculous the whole thing sounded, but she wasn't exactly acting rationally when Genevieve brought up the topic of where she'd be living next year, and what Jensen would be doing, during a phone conversation, and Jay had no idea how to answer. She still felt fragile about Jensen, guilty about what Justin had done, even though she knew it wasn't her fault.
She and Jensen hadn't discussed any plans for next year, after all - she would be starting her second and last year in the fall, unless she decided to stay and get her PhD as well, and Jensen - Jensen would be graduating with her degree in June. She had an internship at a local firm for the summer, but she would be done with school for good and looking for work. Jay could probably sign another year's lease with Chad in their current apartment. She knew Jensen loved living in Portland, but neither of them had brought up what would happen between them if Jensen had to move for a job, and oh god, what if Jensen only thought of her as a last college fling? What if Jensen really wanted to find a guy, have babies, a white picket fence life? What if Justin's sabotage had convinced her that being with Jay wasn't worth it? Jay let her mind wander irrationally, imagining the horror of Jensen telling her it was just a case of lesbian until graduation, and they could still be friends, right?
"Jay? Jared?" Genevieve sounded worried, and Jay realized she'd been staring at herself in the mirror silently for who knew how long.
"I'm fine," she said, hearing the lie in her voice. "Um, I don't know.
"Jared Padalecki, are you imagining some kind of ridiculous scenario where Jensen is going to dump you for ruining her life and also secretly has a husband hidden away in a closet somewhere?"
Jay swallowed. "Nooo," she said unconvincingly.
"Knock it off! Everyone and their grandmother knows she's head over heels for you, okay?"
"But - "
"No, you don't get a vote." Genevieve's voice got higher and louder, and Jay held her phone away from her ear. "You are going to pretend to be a fucking grown-up, and the next time you see Jensen, you'll ask her what she plans to do next year, and you'll tell her calmly and maturely that you want to stay with her no matter what."
Jay drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly before replying. "I know I'm being stupid," she said quietly. "I love her, and I feel guilty and scared, and it's making me panic."
Genevieve's voice softened, and Jay wished Gen were there in person to give her a hug. "I know," Genevieve said. "I know. But it's going to be fine, okay?"
"Okay," Jay replied. "Okay."
They talked for a few more minutes before Genevieve had to leave, and by the time she hung up, Jay felt calmer. She would take each day as it came, and deal with problems when they actually occurred and not before.
Jay tried to keep Genevieve's good advice in her mind, but when she got a text from Jensen later that day that only said can i come over? want to ask you something, she replied with a simple yes, here now and then sat down on the couch to wait without even noticing Chad's dirty socks right under her feet. By the time Jensen knocked and came in, Jay had worked herself back into a panic, picturing Jensen telling her it was over.
"I don't want to break up!" she blurted out. Jensen stared blankly at her for a moment, then swallowed.
"Um," she said slowly. "I wasn't aware that was an option?"
Jay stood up and started pacing. "It's not! I know I offered before, but I'm taking it back! I mean, I don't want to, but what if you can't find a job here? It's my fault you didn't get an interview with the firm you planned to work for - "
Jensen grabbed her arm gently and pulled her into a hug. "Shh," she murmured, and Jay would have been resentful at being treated like a baby, but the sounds, combined with Jensen's slim arms around her, calmed her instantly. She realized with dismay that her eyes were starting to fill with tears, and that brought her back completely.
"Oh my god," she said into Jensen's neck. "What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm sorry, that was totally ridiculous."
Jay lifted her head to look down at Jensen, who smiled.
"A little bit ridiculous," Jensen said. "But we haven't really talked about my plans for next year, so I understand. But we've been over this - it's not your fault Dean Morgan's firm didn't offer me a job. If it's anyone's fault it’s mine for not being honest with Sam from the start, but even if Justin hadn't been a total asshole, I might not have been interviewed anyway. There's no point in worrying about the what-ifs, but I've been thinking about what to do now - actually, I have a proposition for you about next year. That's why I wanted to talk tonight."
"Should I be sitting down?" Jay tried a grin, and thought she almost succeeded.
Jensen's mouth quirked slightly, and she pulled them both down onto the couch. "We don't need to be sitting, but it would be more comfortable."
Jay turned to sit cross-legged on the couch, facing Jensen. "Okay, fire away."
"Do you want to live with me next year?"
Jay's mouth dropped open. She didn't say anything until she saw Jensen starting to worry at her silence. "Oh my god, yes," she quickly said. "Where? How? Why?"
Jensen let out a breath. "Well, our apartment building's getting turned into condos at the end of the summer and we have to move. Danneel decided she was tired of shared walls, and a friend of hers is moving into an apartment, which means her old house is going to be open in late August. It's really close to the school, and it's on the Blue Line. But it's got three bedrooms, and it's kind of expensive for just the two of us, especially since I don't have a job yet."
Jay started to feel a little less enthusiastic. "So, you need a rent partner?" she asked, knowing she wasn't hiding the hurt in her voice as well as she wanted.
Jensen shook her head. "No," she said, honesty in all of her features. "I kind of want to have you around all the time, freakshow. I - I love you, you know that?"
"I know," Jay replied. She did - she did know that, but Jensen had never said it so plainly before, and it felt amazing. "I love you, too."
"So," Jensen continued. "I want to wake up next to you every day, and go grocery shopping together, and come home with you at night, and jesus fuck, Jay, if you don't shut me up I'm going to die of embarrassment."
Jay pulled her into a hug. "Of course I want to live with you!"
Jensen nodded against Jay's chest. "Good. Oh, also, Danneel says Chad can come if he promises not to hit on her and you don't want your own room."
She couldn't help it - it was too much, and she laughed. "Jensen Ackles, you are the weirdest person I have ever met, and you thought of everything."
Jensen beamed at her, more open than she'd ever seemed to Jay before, even when they'd been naked and tangled up in each other's bodies.
"Well," Jensen said. "It's your fault if I'm weird. I never did weird things before I met you."
Jay shoved her a little. "Let's go bully Chad into living with us!" she called, loud enough for Chad to hear from his room where he had promised to remain for Jensen's entire visit. She tugged Jensen along with her. "He can't resist lesbians," she confided. "It's totally in the bag."
++++
It seemed - okay, Jensen could admit she was being dumb, it was her turn after all - but it seemed too perfect. She didn't trust that feeling anymore. She'd told Danneel that Jay and Chad were on board, and they'd worked out a living agreement that both Chad and Danneel signed off on, nothing short of a minor miracle. But she still worried - it was in her nature, she supposed, and as long as she didn't let the worry win, she thought it would be okay.
They would move in over the course of Labor Day weekend, which was still three months away, but Jensen wanted to be completely prepared, so she and Danneel were working on getting rid of things they didn't need. Jensen always enjoyed the chance for a major purge. Danneel liked to watch her throw things out in a righteous fury, but she'd eventually figured out that Jensen was worried about something, and moved them both into her room. She sat Jensen down on the bed firmly, and told her to spill.
Jensen fidgeted, sitting on the bed with one of Danneel's many pillows in her lap. After waiting patiently for five minutes, Danneel gave an exasperated sigh and grabbed the pillow, throwing it into Jensen's face.
"Oh my god, what is it?" she asked. "Why are you acting like a nervous criminal?"
Jensen caught the pillow and buried her face in it. "Is it too soon?"
"I can't hear you through the pillow, smartass," Danneel said, sitting next to Jensen and taking the pillow away again.
"I said, is it too soon? For Jay and I to try and live together?" Jensen fought with Danneel to get the pillow back, but gave up after a short struggle, and sighed. "She still feels guilty about what happened with Justin even though it's not her fault, and I'm worried that she might be trying to make up for it."
Danneel looked conflicted. "For anyone else, that might be true," she said. "But I kinda think you two will be fine. It makes sense for Jay financially, and I wouldn't have suggested we try for the house if I thought it would be a problem. If things get weird, we can deal with it then." She wrinkled her nose. "Although I hadn't taken into account the disgusting amounts of PDA I'll be forced to witness."
Jensen rolled her eyes. "This, from the woman who had to be told twice that it was inappropriate to go down on her girlfriend in the living room while her roommate was in the kitchen making dinner."
"It wasn't my fault," Danneel snickered, not apologetic in the least. "Adrianne was wearing that skirt, the one that must have been a handkerchief in its former life. I was powerless to resist."
Jensen shoved Danneel over on the bed, laughing as she bounced and then scrambled up, trying to look dignified. "Just remember that you asked for it," Jensen said, then got up as well and pulled Danneel into a hug.
"Thanks," Jensen whispered. "You're kind of the only reason why I'm a marginally well-adjusted human being."
"I can't take all the credit," Danneel said modestly, then broke. "But I will take most of it."
"That sounds more like it," Jensen said, and felt some of her worry wash away.
Two weeks later, Jensen had an unexpected day off from the coffee shop where she now worked part-time, and went to see Jay. She didn't call first, wanting to surprise Jay, and she ran into Chad at the door to the building, who let her in.
"Fix it," he said cryptically, shaking his head when Jensen asked him what he was talking about. Jensen hurried upstairs. Chad's reasoning became clear once Jay let her inside the apartment and led the way to her bedroom, babbling the entire time.
" - and then I dropped the packing tape on my foot and I can't feel my toes anymore, but Chad thinks it's probably okay, and I have broken my toes before and I don't think that's what happened, but now I can't figure out what I need to pack next and I'm pretty sure the boxes I did pack are only half-full."
"Slow down," Jensen said, pulling Jay into a hug, careful to not touch her damaged toes. "Why are you packing this early?"
Jay slumped over in her arms for a moment, then stood up straight, breaking the embrace.
"I'm being prepared?" Jay said. "And, uh, planning?"
Jensen laughed, trying to muffle the sound against her arm. Jay drooped, doing a good impression of a kicked puppy, and Jensen hugged her again.
"It's really cute, don't worry," she told Jay. "I'm laughing with you, I promise."
Jay's mouth wobbled into a smile as she calmed down, and then she looked down at herself
"Oh my god," Jay said, panic rising in her voice again. "You're not supposed to see me like this, I look awful." She tugged at her hole-ridden t-shirt and bit her bottom lip. "I'm wearing Chad's sweats!"
"You do kinda smell," Jensen said thoughtfully. Jay looked horrified until she caught the smirk on Jensen's lips, and then she scowled.
"You're a bad girlfriend," she said, turning to pout at the window.
"You're going to see me looking much worse on mornings when I have to get up before eight am, and I'm going to help you organize this packing plan of yours," Jensen offered. "I'll even put out afterwards if you're not too tired."
"Did I say bad?" Jay said, throwing her arms around Jensen's neck. "I meant wonderful and amazing and sexy and talented."
"That's better," Jensen said, and began to tackle the mess of Jay's belongings. Jay protested whenever Jensen suggested something should be thrown away, and Jensen couldn't resist her pout, kissing her each time. This was it - this was how her life would be from now on, and even if they fought, even if Jensen couldn't find a job in her field and had to be a barista forever, there wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be.
No, Jensen thought, as she uncovered a box of Xena memorabilia and Jay shrieked and tried to hide it from her, she really didn't need to worry. She and Jay would be just fine.
[the end]
Epilogue