i want it to end

I want it to go away

I don't want to care anymore, hope anymore, try and fail anymore

I want to kill the part of me that's anchored me to life this long in the first place and then kill the rest of me

If divine beings are to be believed in, then they've abandoned me. If fate is to be believed in, then I was always destined to amount to ( Read more... )

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i never really believed in things like multiple lives, but after all the korean culture i was surrounded by, instead of it coming up only when others mention it, it's something that comes to my mind of it's own accord now. what if it's true and i was a terrible person in a prior life and am suffering for it now? either way, it doesn't help me...i ( Read more... )

i don't even know what to do with myself anymore...i've got the part of me that tells me if i truly dedicate myself, i can get to where i'm aiming, and the part of me that feels like i'm completely deluded. i wish i had the courage to risk everything for what i want, but not only am i cowardly, i'm out of time. i'm old by modern day standards - i' ( Read more... )

About...three times over the last month, I've had these moments of realization that I've never had before: that the ultimate dream that I've always wished I could chase but shied away from because of my fear of failure is just that - a dream. An unrealisitc obsession. A delusion. Those are the only words I can find for it but there's no real way to ( Read more... )

already four weeks since the last time I was here - I don't even know how that happened. I kept thinking I needed to come back - not only to post but reply to the few people nice enough to write to me on a community post that I had made....I probably faded from their memory long ago though ( Read more... )

Weekend before last, a large group of my relatives, including myself and some friends from outside of the family (none being mine, of course) were in Calgary staying in one large household because of a family event happening in Edmonton on Saturday. We loaded up people into three cars to get there for it and the night of the get-together, somewhere ( Read more... )

At my highest weight, I meant to take photos, but I never could bring myself to do it. I was completely revolted by myself (not that I'm not now as well, but...). Now, I kind of wish I had. I'm 30lbs lighter than I was then and though at first, that discovery by the scale allowed me to better realize just how much had changed in me physically, ( Read more... )

My stupidity really knows no bounds, haha.

I'm reading some older posts at ed_ucate and I came across one that branches into how those with an eating disorder tend to have obsessive personalities. One leads to the other I suppose. Either way, it would definitely explain a lot of what's 'wrong' with me. I've always wondered why the hell I have such an ( Read more... )