Comments | estdeus_innobis: painting perfect picture maps...I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen

genny_duvall in estdeus_innobis

painting perfect picture maps...I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen

Oct 27, 2011 16:20

Monday, May 24
Outside Genny's trailer

Everythin was great, and then it wasn't.

Nu had a baby. I helped Nu have a baby. Never thought I'd like babies so much, but this one was different. Never thought there'd be so much to see in a baby that didn't even talk or nothin'. I went to play with them every day, and I drew pictures of 'em both. Real ( Read more... )

genny, zann

Comments 49

tereixa_zann October 27 2011, 22:32:03 UTC

The worst of it, the absolute really worst of it, is that I'm starting to hate work. There's always been work, even before there was a job, everything lacing together smooth and bright and knowing where it was all meant to go.

It's a clear day, sunlight on everything and (rust will spread and metal will stress and plants will die and and and) Essa came by to see if I could come out. I know what she's trying to do, I can tell, and at the same time I know it doesn't work, it hurts, and I just wanted her to go away and...

She's my sister. We know each other's sore spots, there's nothing special about that, and I just wanted her to go away and it got nasty, it really really did, and ended up with her being stubborn and not leaving and crying and me going outside because I just couldn't stand to do anything else ( ... )

genny_duvall October 27 2011, 23:52:31 UTC

I get to a clean page and start to sketch. Ain't gonna do no more of them popcorns and stuff. Too ugly and sad-makin'. Anyhow, it makes me 'member how I showed 'em to Nu, and that makes me think 'bout helpin' Nu have the baby.

And bein' a priestess again.

I turn another page real fast and start just drawin'. Horses. I'll draw horses…

"Hey, honey."

I blink up…and it's Zann. "Oh! Hey," I say back. I look at her, but she don't look at me. Or the trailer. Or nothin'. Again. Oh heck it hurts to see Zann not lookin' at stuff like that…

"Um. How you feelin'?"

tereixa_zann October 28 2011, 03:41:22 UTC

"Oh! Hey," and I smile and glance down and my eyes just sort of skitter back and away, and... god, at least at home I could lie down and sleep. "Um. How you feelin'?"

Almost want to laugh at that, I really really do. You'd think that if you could laugh you could feel okay, even for a second, but no. Think of a couple of answers and in the end I just shrug. "Pretty bad," I say, and then "oh, god, honey, I'm sorry," and then I'm sorry again and then it all just seems like too much work, and I close my eyes and screw my thumb and index finger into the corners of my eyes. "How 'bout you?"

genny_duvall October 28 2011, 13:41:25 UTC

She tries to come up with somethin' good to say but it just don't work.

"Pretty bad," I say, and then "oh, god, honey, I'm sorry,"

"Aw, honey," I sigh. "I'm sorry." We're sayin' the same stuff back and forth. Wish I could think of somethin' else but it just ain't workin'. "Do you wanna…."

Don't even know what would make her feel better. Wanna go have coffee? Wanna go to the river? Wanna go to town?

I just get up and give her a hug. "Here," I whisper, pullin' her head onto my shoulder. "You don't have to look at nothin'."

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tereixa_zann November 3 2011, 03:27:28 UTC

"Thanks," I say, and it feels thin again, because it's a bit too much to say about the bed (I mean, it's Genny, she wouldn't ask me to sit on the floor) and much much too little to say about what she's doing. I put the sketchbook down beside me and lace my fingers together, looking between them and Genny as she gets ready. Remember everything I've seen her do before, the colour and motion caught like holding a breath in the sunlight. The paint she's bringing out looks old and grimed, but that's no different from any of what's left on the palette, and that's a bit of a relief.

"Um. Zann, honey? I'm sorry," and I freeze 'cause all I can think for a second is that she's going to tell me she can't do it. "I'm gonna have to put my blood in it, but…I'm gonna need some of your blood too. Not much! And I'll try real hard to make it not hurt..."

"Oh, honey, that's okay," I say, and... god, I that's nothing, and it really is okay, 'cause I mean I don't go out trying to hurt when I try to fix something, but I understand; you work, ( ... )

genny_duvall November 3 2011, 14:00:32 UTC

"Oh, honey, that's okay. I've got a knife, or if there's something special you want to use…?"

"I got a knife. A couple. So's I can use a clean one for you and me both."

Gotta do my cut last, 'cause that's what starts it for real. Kinda glad mine's last anyhow, 'cause…what's gonna happen? Ain't done this for ages, not like this, not when I can 'member what I'm doin'.

First I get out the lil jar that Syl brought. Ain't much left in it, but it'll do what I want it to. I reach in with my palette knife and scrape out the insides of the jar. Every time the knife blade comes down it feels like I'm touchin' the edge of one of Zann's wires. Tiny tingly shock goin' up my arm, over and over. I can feel the power in it. The blood. Tezcatlipoca…Mix it into the red, over and over, till it's all folded in ( ... )

tereixa_zann November 3 2011, 21:53:57 UTC

"Does what look funny, hon?"

"The blood?" I say, hesitantly; I don't quite know the steps to this, to seeing something shining in spite of all the worn-down edges, like dust in sunlight. All the pieces that could be anything dancing in the light, waiting to see if they'll come together, and I shake my head and look at the blood in the paint. "Or the paint, with everything in it? Maybe it just doesn't age the same way's most things." I haven't really looked at blood, not to pay a lot of attention to it, not while I'm like this.

genny_duvall November 4 2011, 15:46:41 UTC

"Looks the same to me."

The blood looks the same, but it feels different. Feels sharper, feels more there. I can almost taste it, and I lick my lips. Paint and blood and power, all of it.

"I - I'm gonna start now." I gotta start. Now that the blood's in the paint, I need to work. Need to put my blood in there too. Need to pick up the knife. I feel it in my hand, and it's harder and harder to hold it back… "Don't know how long it'll take. But…" I gulp, and tear my eyes away from the palette to look back up to Zann. "But stay here while I do it?"

I need her here so I can paint her, but I want her here so I'm not alone while I'm doin' the picture.

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tereixa_zann November 13 2011, 05:30:50 UTC

"No," I say. "With me, I think," and I swallow and squeeze her hand, I'm so sorry but I think it's true. "Everything I was telling you--I used to see that, all of that, when I looked at her, when I looked at anything we made. We do that, when we make things--we make them mean something, you know?" Oh, damn, I am not explaining this well, I really realy am not...

"Your paintings aren't just to put paint on canvas, right?" I say, trying again. "They're meant to be seen, they're meant to show people things. And my baby, she wasn't meant just to turn 'round and play sounds. She does that, it's how she does what she was meant for, but it's not what she means, you see?" I shake my head, and gesture towards her--my Carousel, not Genny--with my free hand, take a step closer. "And I can't see that when I look at her now. I can't see what she was meant for, or how long she's been doing it, or any of that. I just see what she's happening to do right now--same as you, I guess."

genny_duvall November 16 2011, 20:38:41 UTC

I listen harder, tryin' to think 'bout everythin' while she's sayin' it. Gotta think. Gotta understand….

"Oh."

If I could only paint what's there, if I could only paint what things look like on the surface…

I think 'bout all them awful sketches I done of popcorns and ice cream cones, and the Santas that looked scary and couldn't make nobody happy. What if I could only paint like that?

The sun feels too bright. It hurts.

Did I do that to her? Did I hurt her?

I reach out to hug Zann all the way again and I feel the tears startin' up. "Do you…want me to try again? I can fix it! I fixed the other thing and I can fix this too!"

tereixa_zann November 21 2011, 05:23:42 UTC

"Oh, God, no!" and she's tearing up, and that was just... that was just not helpful of me, it really wasn't. Pull back close to her again, 'cause I jerked back a bit when she suggested that, and try and explain.

"No, hon--I mean, god, not yet, at least? I love what you did for me, I really really do, but you're bleeding, and--" and there's Kent-- "and what if it just takes a bit? It doesn't hurt anymore, you don't-- I never want you to know how good it feels when that kind of hurting stops, it's great, it's amazing." Anyone else, I might say please don't cry, but it's Genny, so I just leave it at that and try and hold her like that'll fix things, arms 'round her and fingers getting tickled by the ends of her hair. This is so much better, it's crazy how much better it is, I can look at things without hurting, and right now, just right now maybe that can be enough?

I don't know who I'm trying to convince, here.

genny_duvall November 29 2011, 16:35:59 UTC

She almost jumps away from me, and for a sec I think I've screwed it up all over again. No, don't go away! Please don't…

But then she's comin' back and tryin' to explain it all, and huggin' me tight again. "No, hon--I mean, god, not yet, at least? I love what you did for me, I really really do, but you're bleeding, and--and what if it just takes a bit? It doesn't hurt anymore, you don't-- I never want you to know how good it feels when that kind of hurting stops, it's great, it's amazing."

I run my hand through her hair, with my head on her shoulder and her head on my shoulder, both of us tangled up like one of her machines with its crisscross gears and wires. "Okay," I sniffle. "Long's it don't hurt you no more. I don't never want you to hurt like that. Never."

And she said 'love,' and that makes me smile even if I'm still cryin'. Didn't say she loved me, but she said that she loved what I done. She loves somethin'Wait. What else did she say? "Oh. I'm still bleedin'?" I guess I am, a little. How come I didn't feel it? "Oh, I'm ( ... )

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