painting perfect picture maps...I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen

[genny_duvall]

Monday, May 24
Outside Genny's trailer

Everythin was great, and then it wasn't.

Nu had a baby. I helped Nu have a baby. Never thought I'd like babies so much, but this one was different. Never thought there'd be so much to see in a baby that didn't even talk or nothin'. I went to play with them every day, and I drew pictures of 'em both. Real

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[tereixa_zann]

The worst of it, the absolute really worst of it, is that I'm starting to hate work. There's always been work, even before there was a job, everything lacing together smooth and bright and knowing where it was all meant to go.

It's a clear day, sunlight on everything and (rust will spread and metal will stress and plants will die and and and) Essa came by to see if I could come out. I know what she's trying to do, I can tell, and at the same time I know it doesn't work, it hurts, and I just wanted her to go away and...

She's my sister. We know each other's sore spots, there's nothing special about that, and I just wanted her to go away and it got nasty, it really really did, and ended up with her being stubborn and not leaving and crying and me going outside because I just couldn't stand to do anything else.

So she's at home and I'm outside, looking up mostly because the sky isn't so bad, and threading through to... I don't know where. But I still need to look down sometimes to not trip, because you do, and that's when I see her and... I don't know. Pictures are better, sometimes. They get old, but nothing dies in pictures.

"Hey, honey," I say.

[genny_duvall]

I get to a clean page and start to sketch. Ain't gonna do no more of them popcorns and stuff. Too ugly and sad-makin'. Anyhow, it makes me 'member how I showed 'em to Nu, and that makes me think 'bout helpin' Nu have the baby.

And bein' a priestess again.

I turn another page real fast and start just drawin'. Horses. I'll draw horses…

"Hey, honey."

I blink up…and it's Zann. "Oh! Hey," I say back. I look at her, but she don't look at me. Or the trailer. Or nothin'. Again. Oh heck it hurts to see Zann not lookin' at stuff like that…

"Um. How you feelin'?"

[tereixa_zann]

"Oh! Hey," and I smile and glance down and my eyes just sort of skitter back and away, and... god, at least at home I could lie down and sleep. "Um. How you feelin'?"

Almost want to laugh at that, I really really do. You'd think that if you could laugh you could feel okay, even for a second, but no. Think of a couple of answers and in the end I just shrug. "Pretty bad," I say, and then "oh, god, honey, I'm sorry," and then I'm sorry again and then it all just seems like too much work, and I close my eyes and screw my thumb and index finger into the corners of my eyes. "How 'bout you?"

[genny_duvall]

She tries to come up with somethin' good to say but it just don't work.

"Pretty bad," I say, and then "oh, god, honey, I'm sorry,"

"Aw, honey," I sigh. "I'm sorry." We're sayin' the same stuff back and forth. Wish I could think of somethin' else but it just ain't workin'. "Do you wanna…."

Don't even know what would make her feel better. Wanna go have coffee? Wanna go to the river? Wanna go to town?

I just get up and give her a hug. "Here," I whisper, pullin' her head onto my shoulder. "You don't have to look at nothin'."

[tereixa_zann]

"Do you wanna...." and for a second I just feel like saying something... really sharper than she deserves, it's just Genny being sweet bast as she can but this stupid looping circle of conversation is not helping, not at all. "Here," and then she's got her arms 'round me and I blink for a second before I close my eyes again. "You don't have to look at nothin'."

"Doesn't last," but I... god, I'm too tired to even really hug her, but I put my arms 'round her. It's okay to hold someone, at least, thank god. It's just... how can you not look at things?

"I think it got worse," I say. Her hair's tickling my nose, and I try and puff it away. "I don't know if it could but I think it did, an' I just..." I go quiet for a minute, and my voice sounds all blurry and salty. Don't cry into her hair, Zann, that's just... "I just wanted to help," I say. "It almost worked and he got so mad and he said fixing but I just wanted to help, it's not the same. I just wanted to help, you know?"

[genny_duvall]

"I know," I whisper. "I know you did. You always do. You want to help everythin' and everyone. Oh honey, you got such a good heart…" She's gettin' wobbly and teary and for a sec I think I might cry too. Oh Zann, you should be laughin' and happy. Not like this…

"I wish…" No. Don't wish. 'Cause it don't work, and it don't make nothin' better even if it did. Just makes it worse when everythin' falls down again. "I hope it gets better." I smooth down her hair, rockin' a little.

[tereixa_zann]

"I wish... I hope it gets better."

"Me too," I say, sniffling a bit and scrubbing at my eyes with one wrist. Keeping them closed, too, still. "I don't know what I'm gonna do. I thought about talking to Management, but last time... I can't make anything like the orrery like this. You remember?"

[genny_duvall]

"I 'member."

I pat Zann's hair, smoothin' it down so's maybe she won't see nothin' broken there when she looks in the mirror. If she can look in the mirror.

The orrery. It was beautiful. Best thing that Zann ever made. All spinnin' wheels and planets, all of her pretty patterns all at once. I loved it. I loved her. I could see all of her patterns when I looked at it, and she was so bright, always glowin'. And then we broke and I broke and now she's broke and it hurts to see her all crumpled up like this. She can fix everythin' but she can't fix herself…

"Anythin' I can do? To help, I mean? If you wanna try makin' stuff? I could maybe paint you an orrery or somethin'?"

[tereixa_zann]

"Anythin' I can do? To help, I mean? If you wanna try makin' stuff?" and I shake my head. "I could maybe paint you an orrery or somethin'?"

"I don't like building things anymore," and god, isn't that a horrible truth. "If I try it just looks like..." I trail off and kinda shudder, then straighten up. "It's pretty bad. But your drawings and paintings... those're okay. I mean, not to make an orrery, a real one, but as long as it's a drawing or a picture... That's okay. Things in pictures don't fall apart, you know? I mean, they don't move, but..."

Oh my god I'm babbling, this is no freaking good. "I'd like that. A picture, I mean. Can I look at your sketchbook, just for a bit?"

[genny_duvall]

"I don't like building things anymore," and god, isn't that a horrible truth. "If I try it just looks like..." I trail off and kinda shudder, then straighten up. "It's pretty bad. But your drawings and paintings... those're okay. I mean, not to make an orrery, a real one, but as long as it's a drawing or a picture... That's okay. Things in pictures don't fall apart, you know? I mean, they don't move, but…"

What? Zann don't want to build no more? That almost hurts as bad as seein' her cry. I squeeze her tight, tryin' to make her stop shiverin'. "I'll draw you whatever you want, honey. Orreries and machines and all the stuff that's in your head. And. Um. I could make it move. If you wanted."

Makes me feel a little crawly inside to say that. Ain't made nothin' move in ages. Not since I was all gone and didn't know what I was doin'. Don't know if I can do it no more, even. But I'd do it for Zann. I'd try.

"I'd like that. A picture, I mean. Can I look at your sketchbook, just for a bit?"

"'Course. C'mon - let's sit down so's you can look." I move back real slow, keepin' my arm 'round her while we sit down on the steps, and I hand over my sketchbook.

This is a new sketchbook. All stuff I done since I got better. Ain't none of it good 'cept the ones I done of Nu and the baby, and the ones I done after that. Pictures of the river, and the trees with leaves just comin' out, and the light on the grass.

And Nu all pretty and round, Nu sweaty and tired and happy with herbs in the air. Abzu, cuddled up in blankets with itty fists wavin' in the air. Lots and lots of Abzu.

'Cept Nu wasn't never pregnant and Abzu never happened. Makes me hurt even more to look at the pictures I made of them, but I'm glad I made 'em. And they're good.

[tereixa_zann]

I'm about to say no again, and then I realize what she means, and I'm just sort of blinking really quickly and looking down and away. "Maybe," I say carefully as we sit down. "I'd really-- honey, is that safe?"

The sunlight's shining down on the pages--not hard enough to glare, just a clear warm light--and "I'm really glad you're sketching again," I say. She's shaky to start, I can tell, but then I come up further in the book and I heard about this, even if I haven't seen Nu since. I wonder how she's doing, just a few days so happy with something she wanted so much and now...

...I guess it's pretty awful. Put one arm 'round Genny's back as I turn the pages, and look at her sideways. I can see where the wrinkles will come into her face and how her hair will thin and her eyes will cloud, but think I can see how she looks, too, and it's not bad, I don't think. I've seen Hux like that, talking about family from before, gone now.

"You ever think of painting Nu's baby?" I say, tracing the lines on the page except with just maybe a bit less than a quarter inch between my fingers and the paper. If I still had the tips of them, I'd be close enough to feel the paper. I'd hate to smudge anything, though.

[genny_duvall]

"Maybe," I say carefully as we sit down. "I'd really-- honey, is that safe?"

"I think so," I say real slow. "I think I could do it. And…be safe."

Could I? Could I make the blood stop callin' me? Maybe I could now that Tez is gone…

I say it out loud this time: "I'd try. If it got bad I'd stop!" I say real quick. "But…I'd want to give you a machine that you could look at without it hurtin' you so much."

Zann puts her arm 'round my back and I scrunch closer and put my arm back 'round her, too, while she looks at the pictures.

"I'm really glad you're sketching again,"

"Me too." I smile up at her a little bit….and I see that she's lookin' at me. Lookin' at me for real. Her eyes're still sad and kinda far away, but she's lookin' at me. I give her a squeeze. "It feels good."

"You ever think of painting Nu's baby?" Zann asks. Her fingers're floatin' just a bit above the paper, like she wants to touch it and don't want to touch it all at the same time.

"Not like that. Not to make the baby come back. I ain't never made a person 'fore. I done pictures of how they're s'posed to be and how they really are, but I ain't never made one. Ain't sure I'd get it right." And anyway, Abzu's part of a god. Ain't no way I could make a god. And what if I made Abzu come back and that made Nu go away?

[tereixa_zann]

"I'd try. If it got bad I'd stop!" and my mouth pulls down at the corners because she said something so close to that before, and she never did stop, she just grew cold. "But…I'd want to give you a machine that you could look at without it hurtin' you so much."

"Oh, honey," I say, and I am starting to tear up. "I'd like-- I'd love that, but just... Just let me think?" I mean, I'm not a saint and I'm not going to tell her no, but it's a huge thing right now (and I want to remember it could be dangerous), and anyway, how do you choose just one?

Squeeze her hand back when she talks about sketching, but the idea of Adzu... not such a good one, I guess.

"Not like that," she says, and I wonder what it'd be like, what it'd mean. If Adzu'd still be Nu's baby, or a child of paint and gloss, because after all Genny knows he's Nu's baby and her paintings aren't just paintings of a body... "I ain't never made a person 'fore. I done pictures of how they're s'posed to be and how they really are, but I ain't never made one. Ain't sure I'd get it right."

"Right," and I'm looking at the page and Adzu's face under my fingers and it's not really a word it's just a sound you make when you're starting to have an idea. "Genny," I say slowly, like I`m putting the pieces together right as they're coming out of my mouth, all hitched up in that idea of supposed to be, "...d'you think you could paint me?"

It doesn't sound nearly as clever once I say it. Shaky as all hell and kind of desperate, actually.

[genny_duvall]

When I talk 'bout doin' my special pictures, Zann almost starts to frown. Almost starts to get mad. Oh no. I don't want to fight with Zann 'bout that. Don't want to fight with Zann 'bout nothin', never. Specially not when she's sad anyway.

But then Zann sees what I really mean, and…oh heck, she almost starts cryin'. Don't never want to make her cry neither. "It's okay. You think however much you need." I give her another squeeze, and then pat her hair. Didn't want to make you cry…

Then her eyes change while she's lookin' at the pictures. Oh, I know that look. That's how Zann looks when she's gettin' an idea. 'Cept this idea's gotta be somethin' that scares her, 'cause she's still all trembly when she says, "Genny...d'you think you could paint me?"

"What do you mean, honey?" I say real slow. "You mean, like, paint you like you really are?"

[tereixa_zann]

"What do you mean, honey?" I say real slow. "You mean, like, paint you like you really are?"

"Yeah," and then back again, "no, I mean, like I was. Like I should be--I mean, like I would be, without--" Stop and take a deep breath and try to get it all straight, I know what I want but it seems like the whole world's swinging in and out and I can't get the hang of it, just need to stop and catch a breather.

"Paint me like I am when Kent hasn't cursed me," I say, running one hand through my hair and looking at her, young and here and spiralling down and away and... "When I'm not seeing how everything's gonna break and die."

[genny_duvall]

"Oh God, honey, I hope I can!" That starts me goin' - off I go, cryin' 'cause of thinkin' 'bout how much it hurts Zann to see things the way she does and 'bout how much she wants to fix it...

"I ain't never tried that neither. But I. I." I gotta stop. Gotta think. If I'm ever gonna try anythin' like this it's gonna be for Zann. Can I paint her different? Can I make her better?

Well. I made me better...

I gulp. "Um. Maybe. I think. 'Cause…I painted me and that helped fix me. Leastways that's what Syl says. I don't 'member much." Head's startin' to hurt just thinkin' bout that. I scrunch my eyes shut and shake my head. Gotta keep thinkin'! "So I think maybe I could do it for you too. If I had the right stuff. I can try. I gotta try."

I can feel the blood in her hand where it holds mine. Her heart's poundin'. "Think I got some of what helped make me better, still. It's - it's from Tez. Are you okay with that?"