painting perfect picture maps...I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen

[genny_duvall]

Monday, May 24
Outside Genny's trailer

Everythin was great, and then it wasn't.

Nu had a baby. I helped Nu have a baby. Never thought I'd like babies so much, but this one was different. Never thought there'd be so much to see in a baby that didn't even talk or nothin'. I went to play with them every day, and I drew pictures of 'em both. Real

Comments

[genny_duvall]

She almost jumps away from me, and for a sec I think I've screwed it up all over again. No, don't go away! Please don't…

But then she's comin' back and tryin' to explain it all, and huggin' me tight again. "No, hon--I mean, god, not yet, at least? I love what you did for me, I really really do, but you're bleeding, and--and what if it just takes a bit? It doesn't hurt anymore, you don't-- I never want you to know how good it feels when that kind of hurting stops, it's great, it's amazing."

I run my hand through her hair, with my head on her shoulder and her head on my shoulder, both of us tangled up like one of her machines with its crisscross gears and wires. "Okay," I sniffle. "Long's it don't hurt you no more. I don't never want you to hurt like that. Never."

And she said 'love,' and that makes me smile even if I'm still cryin'. Didn't say she loved me, but she said that she loved what I done. She loves somethin'…

Wait. What else did she say? "Oh. I'm still bleedin'?" I guess I am, a little. How come I didn't feel it? "Oh, I'm sorry, honey…" I try to scrunch my arm 'round so's I don't bleed on Zann no more'n I already have.

[tereixa_zann]

"Long's it don't hurt you no more," she says, and I want to cry again for a second, and instead I run my fingers over her hair and glance towards my Carousel, squeeze my eyes shut. "I don't never want you to hurt like that. Never."

"I know," and I hug her a little closer. "Oh, Genny, I just-- thank you." God. I can actually look at things and I don't want to cry or start crawling or... It's like floating, like being all wrapped up in that weird cool lovely feeling I had when Kaeli took away the burns. The absence of hurting is just so huge...

"Oh. I'm still bleedin'?" and yeah, I get not seeing it, as far away as she was and as hard as she was working. "Oh, I'm sorry, honey…"

"It's okay," I say, and I mean, "not that you're bleeding, but don't apologize, don't apologize to me, Genny." I cup one hand along the side of her face and wipe away at the tears a bit. "Honestly, honey, I just-- let's get you taken care of, okay? I'm better, I really am, I don't want you hurting later or anything."

[genny_duvall]

"Okay. Just don't want to bleed on you." I laugh, sorta. It's all shaky. I'm still shaky from doin' all that. I don't want to mess up Zann's clothes or nothin', and I know I should wrap up my arm so it don't bleed. But part of me wants to keep the blood goin'. I could do more. I could fix her the rest of the way...

…and she's touchin' my face.

I gulp, and smile up at her. "I - I just gotta clean it real good. I 'member how the Doc showed me." It feels so nice, her hand on my face. She's so close… "I'll be okay. As long as you are."

[tereixa_zann]

"Okay. Just don't want to bleed on you," she says, still talking in that funny half-giddy half-starry way, makes me think of coming down after flying, hard workout and weak joints and that feeling that makes you want to stagger and laugh all at once. But she's coming down, starting to steady, and I smile as she does, grounds down in talking about it.

"I'll be okay. As long as you are."

"I'll be fine," I say, and then stand on tiptoe, stretch up to kiss her forehead. "I will, honey. Come on, let me help you get cleaned up, okay?"

Glance back across her shoulder and my Carousel's still there, just in the moment, doing what anyone could see her doing now... Oh god. Maybe it'll come back, after all, and even if it doesn't it doesn't hurt, and I shake my head a little, keep smiling, just for now.

Just in the moment, just what anyone could see me doing.