The lesson I should Learn

[emma_mage]

I've decided to leave this post unlocked since I don't directly mention the workplace or badmouth it in any way.  It is a good place to work, honest.  Heck, I leave my Family Drama stuff unlocked, so this is nothing.  This is just me.

Today I had my first Work Drama. Or maybe Trauma. :-P  I'm exaggerating, as logically I know it's not that bad.

It

Comments

[nynaeve]

Fear of what, failing to meet expectations? That just means you care, which is far too rare in the workplace, in my experience.

I always hated work evals, too. Some criticisms were fair, others seemed a blatant ploy to avoid giving raises. But whatever, you learn to roll with the punches.

Don't beat yourself up over what you didn't do or realize and just keep your eyes forward. Now you know...and that's half the battle, right? ;) You'll be fine.

[emma_mage]

I checked my email before work this morning, and it made me feel better reading your reply to my entry. It also helped me keep up my new, better attitude. Thank you! And points for quoting something from my childhood! :-)

Yes, I absolutely have a fear of failure. I have terrible performance anxiety at times. To think it's been eating away at me this whole time. A crisis in confidence can be more debilitating than anyone realizes.

I thought the evaluation was fair overall, though I suspect evals are almost always lose-lose because no matter what you say it can be interpreted negatively. I'm just not very good at face-to-face impression management. That is actually the root of quite a bit of the criticism. Combined with my fear of failure, it creates an image of someone who looks less than capable.

[sakuracorr]

It's a trap we all fall into (well me not with my job, but a stressed student is not a better student, and not finding outlets will do that). But you do have a job that you still seem to think suits you on that interest level, and you've done nothing wrong (you're still on the learning curve). So just trust in yourself and your abilities.

I heard that the lady I want to go to grad school under is pretty tough with the critical remarks all of the time, so it'd be something that would be more than thirty days, but these things always are a good chance to see from another perspective where you could be better (and we could all be better, and self-improvement is a good goal, right?).

*big hug*

[emma_mage]

*hugs back* Reading your reply made me feel better this morning. It's true that I have a hard time trusting myself. Thank you for reminding me of how important that is. I think it terrified me because I still feel bad for having made the wrong choice in my last career.

I think it takes a strong sense of self to be able to take frequent criticism, whether it is warranted or not. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders in that regard, so I'm sure you can deal with it capably.

My own bit of advice though is that if an advisor turns out to be unreasonable and overly difficult to get usable feedback from, it's okay to change advisors. It's happened before and there's nothing wrong with choosing to take your research in a different direction. I've also seen that kind of behavior used to drive away people one doesn't want to work with. Not that I'm saying those things will happen...it's my awkward attempt at being helpful. I hope your academic career will be everything you wish for.

[racquaon]

Don't worry, Mags. I know you can do it, and I know that you will use this to motiviate yourself to do a better job.... if you aren't already. Even though I know that you're a hard worker and doing your best. Don't let it make your mood down. *hugs

[emma_mage]

Thanks for the pep talk. I do feel better today. I hate it when I freak out, but at least it's often of short duration. I'd like to think that I learned something from it, too.

[arlessiar]

Honey, you have no idea how much I can relate to the way you must be feeling now! Our situations are not comparable completely, there are differences, but still, I know this panic and sadness when people criticise you badly, this feeling of failure, of being not skilled enough, of not working hard enough

[emma_mage]

Being evaluated/criticized can be a frighteningly intense experience. I'm glad I'm not the only who feels it so much, even when they know it's counterproductive. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry your boss is so unfair. *hug back* I hope you feel better

[jackuon]

Even though we talk in person, I still feel like I should comment here. =/ I'll just say this:
*looong huuuggg* <<<333 (That way there's the comforting sentiment without the horrifying emotional backlash of a physical hug. =D XD)

[emma_mage]

Thanks, I am feeling better, even though I still act cranky sometimes! Sorry. Sleeeeeeeeppp...

[jackuon]

I'm glad things are better. I understand why you're cranky, but thank you for apologizing. =)