This works well in companion with n3m3sis42's. I'm not sure if you wanted concrit or not (she asked me to comment on hers, which I really, really love), but if you did, I would suggest that you see what you can cut from this - hers is very powerful and has a natural flow, where's this feels a little more like you're trying to cram in lots of detail, which I understand because of how much happens, but I think you can relax a little and have the same impact.
And if you didn't want concrit, just ignore the above, because it's still a great entry :D
I'm always looking for concrit... Though I might not always take it. ;)
You're the second person who's suggested that I could trim the details back. I'm a detail-oriented precision freak by nature, and I'm of the opinion that learning more about Robert and his circumstances can only make the reader empathize with him even more.
On the other hand, I'll admit that I could be providing "too much of a good thing" here. As I said, you're the second beta reader who's suggested I could trim things back.
I won't have much time to edit the piece before the deadline, but I'll see what I can do before the poll starts.
I agree that there's a lot to tell about Robert and it's all important stuff, but I think you could show more rather than tell. I'm similar to you in that I always think that there's loads that's essential to the plot, but when you stand back critically, it isn't always as much as I thought.
Regardless of what changes you do or don't make, it's still a great piece and I think the pair of you will poll well.
I wanted to give some details about Robert's physical attributed, hence the line that he's 32 years old. OTOH, I suppose that's not critical to the tale... and his general age could be inferred from other things (how long he's been married & Val finds him attractive).
One thing, if you don't mind: even though I took a writing course, it's been so long that I honestly have no idea what "show, don't tell" means. If you don't mind, could you please clarify the point for me?
PS: I've gotten about as much praise for my shorter works as my longer ones, so I'm not especially concerned about the length. However, I do intend to trim unnecessary details from my piece this evening, and that will shorten it and hopefully speed up the pace.
You're not the only person who's advised me to "show, don't tell"... and you had no way of knowing I didn't understand the phrase.
And I was asking for "concrit", which stands for "CONSTUCTIVE criticism". And that's exactly what you gave me. You're not mocking my work (which one of my earliest editors did -- to my face, no less). You're saying "This is how I think you could make it better!"
A fellow competitor suggested the revised ending. I'd like to thank them publicly, but I'm not sure of the proper etiquette for doing something like that... ;)
Yeah, Robert is easy to sympathize with. He's a nice guy, though a little clueless sometimes. Then again, aren't we all?
I'm not usually one for gossip, but the anecdote you mention is interesting. The poor guy's ex-wife defines the word "tramp". OTOH, you hear plenty of stories of married men sleeping around, sometimes siring children with several women... and the wives of these men are utterly clueless.
And people wonder why I've never married.
PS: I'm going to take your suggestion to heart, and not publicly identify the person who helped me revise my piece this week... But I will tell them once again that I appreciate their efforts.
I appreciate the feedback/concrit. I must say that to my eyes, the revised piece seems "sparse"... but I'm a detail-oriented precision freak, so I have different expectations from the average person.
When I was younger, I used to hate "kitchen sink" dramatic soap operas; I thought they made huge fusses out of "common" issues. It never crossed my mind that these issues resonated with people *BECAUSE* they were so common. Everyone has had a bad day at work, and everyone has experienced betrayal. And that's why it's so easy to empathize with Robert. I felt like a right bastard tormenting him like that... and I'm glad someone came along and helped him find a good way of getting off that bridge.
PS: I don't think I'll ever abandon my epic fantasy tales... but I'm finally beginning to see I'm good at telling other stories as well.
1] You and MuchoMAS both, as far as the seemingly endless laying-out of detail. There *is* a place for such things, but it's not always ideal in fiction, unless you're stuck in a Dickensian situation where you're getting paid by the word and need to pad your serials to keep food on the table
( ... )
1] Speaking only for myself, the "detailed orientation" thing is my natural state, and it takes a conscious effort on my part to dial it back. But I'll try to make that effort, at least for my writing.
2] We're in total agreement here.
3] I know you weren't asking me to give up my dream, but you had expressed a concern not too long ago that I might be too fixated upon it. I was just trying to assure you that while I intend to go back to my saga at some point, I now see it is not the only story I have to tell. OK?
PS: I'm sure I had "show, don't tell" explained to me at that writing seminar I took over a decade ago, but my memory is not what it once was. I'll try "showing" at the next opportunity.
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And if you didn't want concrit, just ignore the above, because it's still a great entry :D
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You're the second person who's suggested that I could trim the details back. I'm a detail-oriented precision freak by nature, and I'm of the opinion that learning more about Robert and his circumstances can only make the reader empathize with him even more.
On the other hand, I'll admit that I could be providing "too much of a good thing" here. As I said, you're the second beta reader who's suggested I could trim things back.
I won't have much time to edit the piece before the deadline, but I'll see what I can do before the poll starts.
Thanks for the feedback.
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Regardless of what changes you do or don't make, it's still a great piece and I think the pair of you will poll well.
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One thing, if you don't mind: even though I took a writing course, it's been so long that I honestly have no idea what "show, don't tell" means. If you don't mind, could you please clarify the point for me?
PS: I've gotten about as much praise for my shorter works as my longer ones, so I'm not especially concerned about the length. However, I do intend to trim unnecessary details from my piece this evening, and that will shorten it and hopefully speed up the pace.
Thanks for the concrit.
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(The comment has been removed)
And I was asking for "concrit", which stands for "CONSTUCTIVE criticism". And that's exactly what you gave me. You're not mocking my work (which one of my earliest editors did -- to my face, no less). You're saying "This is how I think you could make it better!"
I asked for it. You gave it. We're good. OK?
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It's a great story. I really felt empathy for Robert and am glad the future's looking bright.
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Yeah, Robert is easy to sympathize with. He's a nice guy, though a little clueless sometimes. Then again, aren't we all?
Thanks for the feedback!
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And people wonder why I've never married.
PS: I'm going to take your suggestion to heart, and not publicly identify the person who helped me revise my piece this week... But I will tell them once again that I appreciate their efforts.
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Life can be just as difficult for the "ordinary man" as it can for the extraordinary.
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When I was younger, I used to hate "kitchen sink" dramatic soap operas; I thought they made huge fusses out of "common" issues. It never crossed my mind that these issues resonated with people *BECAUSE* they were so common. Everyone has had a bad day at work, and everyone has experienced betrayal. And that's why it's so easy to empathize with Robert. I felt like a right bastard tormenting him like that... and I'm glad someone came along and helped him find a good way of getting off that bridge.
PS: I don't think I'll ever abandon my epic fantasy tales... but I'm finally beginning to see I'm good at telling other stories as well.
Thanks again.
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2] We're in total agreement here.
3] I know you weren't asking me to give up my dream, but you had expressed a concern not too long ago that I might be too fixated upon it. I was just trying to assure you that while I intend to go back to my saga at some point, I now see it is not the only story I have to tell. OK?
PS: I'm sure I had "show, don't tell" explained to me at that writing seminar I took over a decade ago, but my memory is not what it once was. I'll try "showing" at the next opportunity.
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