I think it's a gender and generational thing. Women are expected to be able to cook, so your competence in the kitchen is taken for granted. It's only in the last, oh, 30 years or so that the "men can't cook/cooking isn't manly" trope has begun to fade, so to them, a man who can cook well is remarkable.
Another thought, and I HATE to say this because it would be awful, but in some people there may be a subconscious sexist notion that if a man and woman are doing a project together, the man must be the leader. To get more complicated, for cooking in particular, people might assume that a man would be unwilling to be a mere assistant and thus if a man is cooking, he must be the chef. Because there is this stereotype that whem men DO decide to cook, they are master chefs, not practical get the family dinner on the table people
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But this theory of a lower bar doesn't explain why they would automatically give credit to SB for cooking that they saw you both do.
it goes back to the root sexism of "women's work"--work that women do in the house (cooking, cleaning, organizing &c) is less visible than work that men do. ooh, look, he's a good man, he's exerting himself! never mind that you just did 2/3 of the work and he only helped.
i do think it is partially generational, and partially has to do with certain subcultures or particular strains of thinking in mainstream culture, but like most other manifestations of sexism, it is everywhere.
Well, I think they really are looking for points of commonality with SB. I've just seen it enough outside of the family that I don't think that's the whole story. Also, I think it does govern what they say to others b/c it's not 100% conscious -- they're noticing what he does more than what I do b/c he's less familiar and they're trying to be close to him. When he does things, they just pay more attention. And I really don't resent that. I've been integrating enough cousins-in-law plus now a sister-in-law that I appreciate why this happens.
As I was saying in a comment to ginko, another point is that SB can be very intense about the things that interest him, so he may just appear to be running the show because of his enthusiasm.
At the same time, I think the thread here does tend to validate the old gender roles theory too. If a man cooks, it's remarkable, and if he's cooking with a woman, he must be the leader.
All this makes me wish, again, that this cooking bug is something contagious that I could catch from someone who has it. I have this fantasy of preparing an at least quasi from scratch meal for our family 4 out of 7 nights, instead of zero out of 7.
I keep trying to convince myself not to attempt this NOW when Mal is young and needy and I am a full time working and commuting mom. Oh, and Mal wouldn't eat anything I cooked, so the fantasy of cooking the same thing for all three of us wouldn't fly yet.
Fantasy indeed. With a hubby that is a vegetarian but not that fond of vegetables and likes things mild, a wife (moi) that is a dedicated omnivore with some pickiness, a leaning toward flavorful/spicy, and a preference for vegetables over fruit, and a son who is self-proclaimed "half vegetarian, half not" and loves fruit but isn't interested in vegetables ... I am generally trying to get three fairly different variations on a meal onto the table at the same time.
If I only had to make one meal each night, I actually think I could be a quite good cook.
Well, there's something to be said for producing your own meals, but I can't imagine it's high priority, especially when Mal's not eating the same stuff you are. And even when he's older, odds are he'll turn his nose up at anything you do that's remotely creative, so the only praise you could expect would be your hubby's.
Everybody else nailed it. Sorry you're getting under-praised for this.
I find it interesting that whenever I bring food somewhere, unless they know me outside of work or volunteer stuff, the default assumption is always that Nav made it.
So we got into paprikash and from there into spaetzle b/c SB was reading Dracula actually. There's a sequence at the beginning where our hero is going to Romania, and he raves about paprikash. So we decided to look it up and try it. It's chicken and veggies in a sauce made from cream and a ton of Hungarian paprika. Recipe in another post.
You know, my mom is a pretty liberated type, though when I was young she did the whole second shift -- laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, all of it. When I got into middle school, there was a duties reshuffling, and Dad took on a lot of the cleaning. And of course now he's retired (and she may retire next year), and he's doing a lot of housework. I'd say that from a feminist perspective, they balanced out just fine. But with that said, Dad seriously didn't learn to cook when he was our age b/c he viewed it as some kind of concession that he'd never find a mate. And now, as they're approaching their fortieth wedding anniversary, you can STILL see panic in his eyes if you try to tell him to
( ... )
Seconded... I think that it's a generational/latent sexism thing. Men aren't expected to cook and are, therefore, praised when they do. Women are praised for their cooking, of course, but when their male S.O. cooks, it eclipses their talent if his cooking talent is close to hers or better.
As for this expect the kitchen clean and leave it dirty... I expect it to be clean because we pay someone to clean it. ;-) But, I feel like I have a sweet deal since I cook and my lovely wife does dishes. If the dishes are particularly onerous, I help out, of course. It's all team work.
I'm sorry to hear that SB gets all the praise. He does seem a bit more vocal about cooking and his "One True Way" approach draws attention. Maybe if you were more outspoken and insisted that you knew the "One True Way," you'd get more of the attention. ;-) Next time we hang out and you cook, I'll be sure to direct the praise appropriately. I might even do dishes.
So this is an interesting observation. I do agree that SB has a certain intensity to his hobbies. If you watch the two of us cooking together, you might get the impression he's running the show just because he's more energetic. And I admit that this difference in perception of our contribution makes me self-conscious about asking for his input sometimes -- good communal cooking is all about asking your fellow cooks for reactions: "Does this need salt?" "Do you think it should cook longer?" I sometimes feel that if I do that too much in the presence of observers, they'll think I'm deferring to him. Which is stupid. We should cook however we like to cook :).
Sadly, I'm a really lousy dish cleaner myself. I try to make up for it in litter box maintenance :).
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it goes back to the root sexism of "women's work"--work that women do in the house (cooking, cleaning, organizing &c) is less visible than work that men do. ooh, look, he's a good man, he's exerting himself! never mind that you just did 2/3 of the work and he only helped.
i do think it is partially generational, and partially has to do with certain subcultures or particular strains of thinking in mainstream culture, but like most other manifestations of sexism, it is everywhere.
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As I was saying in a comment to ginko, another point is that SB can be very intense about the things that interest him, so he may just appear to be running the show because of his enthusiasm.
At the same time, I think the thread here does tend to validate the old gender roles theory too. If a man cooks, it's remarkable, and if he's cooking with a woman, he must be the leader.
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I keep trying to convince myself not to attempt this NOW when Mal is young and needy and I am a full time working and commuting mom. Oh, and Mal wouldn't eat anything I cooked, so the fantasy of cooking the same thing for all three of us wouldn't fly yet.
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If I only had to make one meal each night, I actually think I could be a quite good cook.
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I find it interesting that whenever I bring food somewhere, unless they know me outside of work or volunteer stuff, the default assumption is always that Nav made it.
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You know, my mom is a pretty liberated type, though when I was young she did the whole second shift -- laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, all of it. When I got into middle school, there was a duties reshuffling, and Dad took on a lot of the cleaning. And of course now he's retired (and she may retire next year), and he's doing a lot of housework. I'd say that from a feminist perspective, they balanced out just fine. But with that said, Dad seriously didn't learn to cook when he was our age b/c he viewed it as some kind of concession that he'd never find a mate. And now, as they're approaching their fortieth wedding anniversary, you can STILL see panic in his eyes if you try to tell him to ( ... )
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As for this expect the kitchen clean and leave it dirty... I expect it to be clean because we pay someone to clean it. ;-) But, I feel like I have a sweet deal since I cook and my lovely wife does dishes. If the dishes are particularly onerous, I help out, of course. It's all team work.
I'm sorry to hear that SB gets all the praise. He does seem a bit more vocal about cooking and his "One True Way" approach draws attention. Maybe if you were more outspoken and insisted that you knew the "One True Way," you'd get more of the attention. ;-) Next time we hang out and you cook, I'll be sure to direct the praise appropriately. I might even do dishes.
Cheers!
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Sadly, I'm a really lousy dish cleaner myself. I try to make up for it in litter box maintenance :).
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On the cooking, I'd have to agree w/ most of the comments... as irksome as it is, it's probably a gender-role, subconscious sexist thing.
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