Another thought, and I HATE to say this because it would be awful, but in some people there may be a subconscious sexist notion that if a man and woman are doing a project together, the man must be the leader. To get more complicated, for cooking in particular, people might assume that a man would be unwilling to be a mere assistant and thus if a man is cooking, he must be the chef. Because there is this stereotype that whem men DO decide to cook, they are master chefs, not practical get the family dinner on the table people.
I agree with Szandra that people of that generation probably have lower standards for male cooking. So I can see them giving higher praise to SB on days when he cooked compared to what they say to you for meals that you cook. But this theory of a lower bar doesn't explain why they would automatically give credit to SB for cooking that they saw you both do.
But I also like your theory that they are looking for ways to find good in your husband. This seems more like what would govern what they say to you and SB rather than later to other relatives.
But this theory of a lower bar doesn't explain why they would automatically give credit to SB for cooking that they saw you both do.
it goes back to the root sexism of "women's work"--work that women do in the house (cooking, cleaning, organizing &c) is less visible than work that men do. ooh, look, he's a good man, he's exerting himself! never mind that you just did 2/3 of the work and he only helped.
i do think it is partially generational, and partially has to do with certain subcultures or particular strains of thinking in mainstream culture, but like most other manifestations of sexism, it is everywhere.
Well, I think they really are looking for points of commonality with SB. I've just seen it enough outside of the family that I don't think that's the whole story. Also, I think it does govern what they say to others b/c it's not 100% conscious -- they're noticing what he does more than what I do b/c he's less familiar and they're trying to be close to him. When he does things, they just pay more attention. And I really don't resent that. I've been integrating enough cousins-in-law plus now a sister-in-law that I appreciate why this happens.
As I was saying in a comment to ginko, another point is that SB can be very intense about the things that interest him, so he may just appear to be running the show because of his enthusiasm.
At the same time, I think the thread here does tend to validate the old gender roles theory too. If a man cooks, it's remarkable, and if he's cooking with a woman, he must be the leader.
I agree with Szandra that people of that generation probably have lower standards for male cooking. So I can see them giving higher praise to SB on days when he cooked compared to what they say to you for meals that you cook. But this theory of a lower bar doesn't explain why they would automatically give credit to SB for cooking that they saw you both do.
But I also like your theory that they are looking for ways to find good in your husband. This seems more like what would govern what they say to you and SB rather than later to other relatives.
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it goes back to the root sexism of "women's work"--work that women do in the house (cooking, cleaning, organizing &c) is less visible than work that men do. ooh, look, he's a good man, he's exerting himself! never mind that you just did 2/3 of the work and he only helped.
i do think it is partially generational, and partially has to do with certain subcultures or particular strains of thinking in mainstream culture, but like most other manifestations of sexism, it is everywhere.
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As I was saying in a comment to ginko, another point is that SB can be very intense about the things that interest him, so he may just appear to be running the show because of his enthusiasm.
At the same time, I think the thread here does tend to validate the old gender roles theory too. If a man cooks, it's remarkable, and if he's cooking with a woman, he must be the leader.
Reply
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