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[dumblemop]

Good question.

Why am I here? Where's my motivation? What happened to going to class because I like physics, I like math, I like computers, I like to learn

Comments

[radicaldreaming]

I know exactly how you feel. It's funny how sometimes your own motivations are such a huge mystery.

What I do is try to monitor my own emotions to give me clues to my motivation. If I notice an acute emotional peek--a sharp uncomfortable feeling, or a bolt of excitement--I look for the sources of these, and try to put the pieces together. It's kinda like that trick where you're trying to decide between two things, and you assign each choice to the side of a coin and flip it. Whatever the outcome is, monitor your *gut* basic reaction to what the choice will be; it helps to weed out what you really want.

I hope that helps. I notice that if I go through a process different explanations, when I hit the right one, all the pieces fall immediately into place and I know beyond a doubt that I have the explanation.

[johanna17]

hahah I TOTALLY do that - like "Oh, it came up heads... um... I pick the other option!"

[dumblemop]

I'm sick of doing things just because I'm expected to. I'm not saying there aren't things I have to do, just that it seems that if I don't have an additional reason for doing them, they won't get done. And they need to get done. So.

Yeah. I have trouble trusting myself sometimes, which makes it difficult to fully trust other people, which makes my life hell.

Thanks. Everything helps.

[johanna17]

I think that's a really hard place to be - not knowing exactly why you are picking something or not picking something or whatever... and I think everyone is there at some point

[dumblemop]

Yeah. Sometimes I don't care why I'm doing something when I should, and sometimes I care when I shouldn't, and sometimes everything is just fucked-up and I'm not paying enough attention to realize why.

I guess that's a good point. Does the answer matter in itself or only because I'm afraid of other people's reaction to whatever degree?

I don't know. I guess everyone makes bad decisions, but those decisions are still yours. You always have a choice, even if the choice isn't one you like. If something comes out wrong, you still have to own that decision and deal with the consequences and understand that it may not have anything to do with the decision(s) you made except in the sense that every action and decision is connected in some way.

Now I'm the one babbling. But it did make sense and thank you.

[johanna17]

yeah choices sometimes suck. <--- most profound statement ever :-P

[kamili]

As much as it sounds like a lot of this thinking really hurts right now, I must say it looks hella healthy from the outside that you're at least thinking it. I've had similar problems of trying to seperate my own motivations from others, and it kind of sucks to look back on some of them. However, it does mean that I feel a lot more confident about my actions now.

As far as the mental problems, hoo boy. Let me just say, that at least for me, drugs were *not* the answer. But talking to a good counselor does a heckuva lot of good. If you think there might be problems, it might be good to try it out. Cause I didn't and then I got pushed into it and onto meds for a while. Crazy pills didn't make nearly as much difference as talking, self-examination and a lot of badminton/poi/running.

[dumblemop]

Yeah. It does hurt, but it's good for me. Everything can't always be dandilions and butterflies. And I build up and reconstruct my perception of myself in ways that I wouldn't be able to if I wasn't willing to let it hurt.

Yeah. Drugs seem to help my brother most of the time, but I think they're only a supplement to the whole rest of his life. They don't seem to help my mother at all. Talking to counselors hasn't helped me a lot in the past, but it wasn't something that I had chosen to do and I think I made a special effort to be "normal" because I don't like the feeling of being evaluated. We'll see.

[kamili]

Yeah, drugs seem to patch problems instead of actually fixing them. Which is really not a great long-term solution. I can't tell you the difference talking to a counselor by choice makes. Oh wow. Choate threw me into therapy along with half of our class freshman year and I *hated* it. This time around, I basically decided to say "Fuck it." I just spewed out everything in my head, figured if she thought I was a really strange person, I never had to see her again, and it worked. No special effort to be normal, and all of a sudden I was actually getting something out of it.

[dumblemop]

I had to talk to Char after my brother left school, and then some other woman, and then my brother's psychiatrist after I failed History sophomore year. Smile and nod. I'm well-adjusted, really. No problems here. Yeah. I'll remember that.

[kamili]

On another note, yeah that e-mail sucked.

And I did leave because of me, and the simultaneity of my dad's cancer with everything else. I needed to be home. I really regret hurting you, and I know I screwed that up, but I couldn't be there, and I wasn't in a place to give you pretty much anything. I'm sorry.

[dumblemop]

I can't tell you how sorry I am about that.

I could have been less and more pretty much everything about it. I wasn't a very good person then. Yes, I didn't understand what was going on, but did I really have to react like that? But I did. And I'm sorry.

[kamili]

I'm also sorry that it seems that things didn't work out with Lindsay, and everything else. I'm not sure what happened, but you were generally a really nice person, and I think you deserve better than what it sounds like went down. Part of what kept me from being really upset by you cutting me off was that I thought you were at least going to be happy.

[dumblemop]

Jesus Christ. Three years: some of it was wonderful, some of it sucked, none of it was healthy. And I guess you get what you dish out; she stopped talking to me in December and I haven't heard a word from her since. And it's just kind of sad that my whole time at Choate and thus pretty much all of high school is colored by that experience. I cut everyone off, you, everyone I used to hang out with while you were still there, my family. And there were plenty of things I could have done about that and I did nothing. She would tell me that I always had a choice whenever she would get horribly upset; apparently she didn't notice that I chose her every time.

So yeah. I have regrets.

[dumblemop]

<3.