Comments | devcubber: worst.damn.anniversary

devcubber

worst.damn.anniversary

Aug 12, 2007 20:47

Today is my twelfth wedding anniversary. I didn't expect jewelry, or even a card. (If you know my husband, then it is fitting to not expect those things.) But - a teeny bit of romance, maybe even something as benign as holding hands, would be okay just for today. But ALAS it is not to be ( Read more... )

Comments 18

enzie August 13 2007, 03:04:13 UTC

Ouch. How does he feel about non-monogamy?

enzie August 13 2007, 04:40:18 UTC

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/12/magazine/12cples.html

devcubber August 13 2007, 13:02:34 UTC

He gets a little self-righteous if I let him know that at some point I'm going to take care of business with another man. I think in his mind (which I'm quite sure is a testosterone-free zone), he is fully being a good husband:
Good provider (yup), good father (yup) and handy-man around the house. So why would I cheat? That would be against the "rules" of marriage. So when I do ask him "at what point do I start seeking outside sexual activity" he gets pretty mad and does all the typical male shut-down behaviour rife with divorce threats. I usually just snort at him and walk away.

enzie August 13 2007, 23:48:30 UTC

Double ouch. Is he open to finding a headshrinker? Or is that too unmanly?

greatbearmd August 13 2007, 03:17:15 UTC

Aw, hon... I'm so sorry. :(

Dont be feeling like a shell. You are filled with sexuality and energy, the problem is you havent been able to share it and experience it in yourself. I've been there before. Without the ability to engage yourself with a partner the feeling implodes and you bear the brunt of your own bad feelings when it is not your fault. I hate to just suggest that you two look into counseling, because it sounds like something is wrong. Yeah, it is, but it kinda puts the screws to it (no bad pun intended). The problem lies with hubby and he needs to get a kickstart somehow. There is also a chance it could be health/physical related and not just a mental state too.

There is also a good chance that I am just babbling. But I really mean well. Honest.

*hugs*

devcubber August 13 2007, 13:06:02 UTC

Thank you for your words. I know you mean well, and I appreciate and love that about you!

Counseling at first would be just me, and guess what - I'm already there! He is so non-enlightened. You know what I mean? And counseling for him, when I suggest it, is met with a 50 foot brick wall and ugly words. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM. In his mind. He just won't speak about it, and then pushes down into the denial realm. This of course is how his family still operates, and they taught him well. Shiny veneers are what his parents value, and that is what he has; a shiny, perfect exterior, and a sad, strangled interior.

ubermunkey August 13 2007, 04:48:33 UTC

Huge hug babe.
It ain't easy but here is to wishing you well and wishing that you get some kind of movement in a lose lose situation.

Cheers
lovemunkey

devcubber August 13 2007, 13:06:25 UTC

thank you my sweet sweetness. I so miss talking to you..

ubermunkey August 13 2007, 14:24:53 UTC

I missed our interactions as well. Sorry to have disappeared for a time.

Cheers and love
Connor munkey

ps citizenconnor@gmail.com if ever you wanna chat it up.

;-)

bigredpaul August 13 2007, 05:06:29 UTC

Do you think he might be gay? I'm asking in all seriousness.

devcubber August 13 2007, 13:15:42 UTC

a good question, which I've asked a million times. He says "no", which is his stock answer for any direct question (are you gay? am I too fat? are you seeing another woman? are you ill? did your penis fall off while mowing the lawn?)

who knows? not me! but your question is valid and for me, warrants a little more investigation!

bigredpaul August 13 2007, 16:00:52 UTC

Well, Dear Abby would say that he should get a thorough physical to rule out medical causes - maybe his testosterone levels are low, or he has depression, or some other thing?

I wish you the best of luck.

devcubber August 13 2007, 16:44:28 UTC

thank you for your kind thoughts!

(The comment has been removed)

devcubber August 13 2007, 13:12:21 UTC

I know he loves me, and we have a delightful friendship and co-parenting thing going on. But he either has: no testosterone, a hot girlfriend, a hot boyfriend, a huge distaste for me physically or maybe some type of debilitating health &/or mental disorder.

I don't know if the 3 bears would do that intervention. They have a great friendship with him, but I don't think that sex is EVER talked about. (my husband was raised by a shrew of a woman, and sex was never EVEREVEREVER even discussed by his family. He learned of it from his friends and randy girls. still he won't discuss it with me!)

thanks for your support and lovely adjectives about me...it's really easy to place the blame on myself (I'm too fat, I'm unlovable, I'm ugly, why would someone, anyone be physically attracted to me?...); you get the drift.

*hugs*

self love ubermunkey August 13 2007, 14:31:14 UTC

Hon, you can blame yourself for years and that won't change a damn thing. (Im speaking from experience.)

I'm glad to read you are in counseling, 'cause this line of self talk is totally defeatist and you deserve a hell of a lot more and better.

Over the years we have plenty of opportunity to have people validate for us what we already fear, but the very worst source of that is how we talk to ourselves.

"I deserve this unhappiness, I really am shit behind the smiling face, I'm too much of this and not enough of this." I finally found that I was (sometimes still am) my own worst enemy when in fact I should be my own biggest fookn fan. Yes we are all works in progress but fuck that is the fun of it! The challenge of it!

Love and Light and some more hugs babe,
Connor