worst.damn.anniversary
Today is my twelfth wedding anniversary. I didn't expect jewelry, or even a card. (If you know my husband, then it is fitting to not expect those things.) But - a teeny bit of romance, maybe even something as benign as holding hands, would be okay just for today. But ALAS it is not to be!
So I am sitting here, trying to be excited about being married to one person for the last 12 years, but it is hard when I feel like I have to create the relationship. Tonight, I chose the restaurant, I paid for the meal, I offered to take him to a movie tonight, but no, he is too tired. There will be no sex (April was the last time - and yes, I initiated). There will be no making out (he doesn't like kissing). At what point to I get to cry uncle and bail the sinking ship? The thing that makes a partner relationship unique is 'intimacy'. I have more intimacy with my 3 gay boyfriends than I do with my husband.
I am so tired of being monogamously celibate. So tired of being utterly alone in this marriage. He doesn't like to talk about "it" (the lack of intimacy), so guess what? Again I am alone, this time with my own conversation.
I write this not looking for pity, or even sympathy. I am doing it just to kick the door down and say, "this is what it is".
I am feeling very doormat-ish. I am feeling very non-gender, just a human shell with no discernible sexuality (suppress it for awhile, and this is what you get).
I am feeling like I might just break.
So I am sitting here, trying to be excited about being married to one person for the last 12 years, but it is hard when I feel like I have to create the relationship. Tonight, I chose the restaurant, I paid for the meal, I offered to take him to a movie tonight, but no, he is too tired. There will be no sex (April was the last time - and yes, I initiated). There will be no making out (he doesn't like kissing). At what point to I get to cry uncle and bail the sinking ship? The thing that makes a partner relationship unique is 'intimacy'. I have more intimacy with my 3 gay boyfriends than I do with my husband.
I am so tired of being monogamously celibate. So tired of being utterly alone in this marriage. He doesn't like to talk about "it" (the lack of intimacy), so guess what? Again I am alone, this time with my own conversation.
I write this not looking for pity, or even sympathy. I am doing it just to kick the door down and say, "this is what it is".
I am feeling very doormat-ish. I am feeling very non-gender, just a human shell with no discernible sexuality (suppress it for awhile, and this is what you get).
I am feeling like I might just break.