Worth It Chapter 4a/?
Title: Worth It, Chapter 4a
Author:deansdirtybb
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: NC-17
Words: 6752
Warnings: Wincest, angst, rimming,
Spoilers: Specifically Season 2 and 3, although some themes from Season 4 might slip in.
Summary: The next part of my WIP. We're kind of following season 3, with an eventual AU twist of Sam using his powers before Dean's deal is up to try to save him.
AN #1: The last chapter ended with some angst…which lead to a little writer’s block, hence the delay between chapters. I think the boys and I are back on track now.
I've borrowed some canon dialogue from 3.04 "Sin City," and 3.05 "Bedtime Stories," used for my own devices, of course.
AN#2: Thank you as always to the incredible sammichgirl, the best cheerleader in all of wincest-land. So lucky to have you holding my hand every step of this journey. Hugs, bb!
I have become a total comment whore and it would just make my day to get feedback J
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3
Worth It, Chapter 4
Sam couldn’t breathe. His lungs burned and the room dipped and swayed, but his muscles simply would not coordinate to pull air in.
Dean left.
Dean said he couldn’t do this; then he walked out the door. What if he was leaving, as in leaving Sam behind? Sam would rather go back to the silent longing of hiding his feelings for Dean, than truly, completely lose him - God he couldn’t survive that. This was worse than when they were kids. His heart cracked into a thousand pieces and he felt the burn of every single fracture. Sam’s body shook as he began to sob uncontrollably.
Dean stood outside the door and tried to breathe as he listened to Sammy. Six foot four of hard hunter muscle weeping on the floor of the motel room. Dean had done that. Dean had hurt his Sammy, and that broke his own heart. He put his face in his hands and leaned against the door silently crying his own tears.
After several minutes, Dean could no longer take the sound of Sam’s heartbroken sobs. He put his hand on the doorknob, his first instinct to go back into the room, scoop his baby brother up off the floor, kiss him and hold him and take it all back. Dean knew it was what Sam wanted and that Sam would easily forgive his older brother and welcome him back. They could go on in the direction they’d started. Fall completely for each other…and then in a year Sam would end up heartbroken alone and sobbing on some other motel floor. Dean pulled his hand from the door knob and headed for the Impala. If he stood here listening to Sammy’s sobs for one more second all his resolve would vanish.
Sam heard the rumble of the Impala as it pulled away, and his heart broke all over again. He hadn’t really believed Dean would leave him until he heard the sound of that familiar engine getting further and further away. The full weight of the loss blazed through him, the hurt so incredible it overwhelmed his brain and he suddenly found himself numb. As if his mind was trying to rescue his heart from the unbearable hell of losing the brother that had always been the center of his universe. Sam drew in several deep breaths and sat up shakily against the bed.
He pulled his phone from his pocket and flicked through the contacts. “Dean” lit up on the small screen and Sam just stared at his brother’s name for a full minute before putting the phone back in his pocket. He couldn’t call Dean, it wouldn’t matter. Dean wouldn’t change his mind, wouldn’t come back to Sam. Sam cursed himself. He had pushed Dean and now, he was well past having a freak out. Dean had made his big brother decision and Sam would get no say in this. “Hell with that,” Sam muttered and pulled his phone back out of his pocket.
Dean could almost breathe again back in the ever-familiar driver seat of Baby. He had no idea where he was going, other than away from his broken baby boy. But every ounce of Dean wanted to turn that car around and sooth Sam’s pain. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the same back-and-forth that had been assaulting his brain since he’d said the words that had broken Sammy’s heart. Dean would be dead in a year. Sam would move on. He’d find a nice girl, he’d have kids and he’d go on in a normal life, safe and he wouldn’t need Dean to have his back. He wouldn’t need Dean to salt the windows and doors every night. He wouldn’t need Dean to hold his hand. He wouldn’t need Dean.
A tear rolled down Dean’s face, and Dean realized he’d started to cry. He swiped at it impatiently, but it was quickly followed by another and another, until they were rolling down his cheeks unchecked. Sammy wouldn’t need Dean. That was good, he told himself, since he wouldn’t even be here if Sam did need him. “Dammit,” he cursed under his breath, why had he let Sam go into that diner, just for some pie. Why hadn’t he been able to get to Sam two minutes earlier in Cold Oak? He couldn’t bring himself to regret making a deal to bring his brother back, but he saw all the things he could have done, should have done to prevent Sam’s death in the first place.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Deep Purple coming from his pocket. Dean pulled out his phone and saw Sammy’s name on the screen. He hesitated before hitting the button to send it to voice mail.
Sam chuckled humorlessly; of course Dean would send the call to voicemail. He shook his head as he waited for the tone to leave a message. Sam wasn’t going to let Dean completely walk out of his life without putting up a fight. Sam took a deep breath, “Dean, it’s me…”
The back end of the Impala swung around wildly and the tires screeched as Dean slammed on the brakes and spun the wheel. He headed back to the motel cursing himself. How could Sam think that? Hadn’t he heard what Dean had said? Dean had just needed some air, a minute to collect himself, gather his strength…but what Sammy said in the voice mail…
“Dean, it’s me. Sam. Uh…Look…I’m sorry, ok? Sorry I pushed you. I can handle it if you don’t…want me, but please, man. Don’t just leave. I can respect that you want to be just brothers, but if I only get a year with my big brother… Dean…I want the whole year. So…I’ll do whatever you need, just please come back.” There was a long pause and when Sam’s voice returned it was halting and broken, “Please, De, don’t leave me.”
Don’t leave him? Dean wasn’t going to leave…well, not permanently. But when he heard Sammy’s broken voice using the childhood nickname, well, it was more than Dean could withstand. Whether or not he was going to be with Sam, he couldn’t leave Sam alone. He couldn’t be without his brother. Dean had no idea how this was going to work out, but he headed back to the motel anyway, as fast as Baby would carry him.
Dean opened the door of the motel room to find Sam sitting on the end of one of the beds, elbows on his knees, his face in his hands. He looked up as Dean entered and relief flooded his face. Sam was up and halfway to Dean before he stopped himself, not sure how to approach his brother, not sure what exactly had been Dean’s motivation to return.
“Dean-“
Dean cut his brother off with a raised hand. “Look, Sammy, I wasn’t leaving you. Was never gonna leave you alone. I just…I needed to get out for a bit. I…it’s-we’re going to be ok, Sam.”
Sam nodded. “How? I mean…what..h-how do you want to…?” Sam trailed off, he wasn’t sure how to ask what Dean wanted without spooking him and honestly, he wasn’t sure he was ready for the answer.
Dean sighed heavily, “I don’t know Sam, I honestly have no idea. Let’s just take this hunt Bobby found…and see how it goes. Ok?”
“Yeah,” Sam said softly, “Ok, Dean.” Sam still had no idea where they stood, but Dean was here, in front of him, and that was a start at least.
* * * * *
The hunt Bobby had found turned out to be a couple of demons turning a whole town into unfettered id. Everyone just following whatever urges they felt, drinking, gambling, sex, murder. Dean found himself trapped in a basement with one of the demons, Casey.
“You're all right, Dean.” Casey said, “The others don't describe you that way. But, you know, you're -- you're likable.”
Dean flashed his charismatic smile and shook his head, “A demon likes me. Sorry, I don't know how to respond to that.”
“You could say thanks.” She smiled, then said more seriously “That deal you made to save Sam -- a lot of others would mock you for it, think it was weak or stupid. I don't.”
Dean was a little caught off guard, but he figured this would be a safe conversation, since no one would ever know about it. “It's been kind of liberating, actually,” he said, “Y’know, what's the point in worrying about a future when you don't have one?”
Casey looked at him skeptically, “Still…a year left. You're not scared?”
“Nah.”
“Not even a little?” she questioned.
Dean’s smile faltered just a little, “Of course not.” He was quiet for a few minutes before asking, “Hey, can I ask you a question?”
“I'm an open book,” Casey replied.
“What's it like down there?” He was trying to look casual, but he couldn’t quite maintain eye contact as he finished his question.
“What, hell?”
“Yeah.”
“That's right. You booked a one-way ticket with that deal.” She paused; Dean scoffed and smirked at her. Casey looked straight into Dean’s eyes, “You're not gonna like it, Dean. And, um, judging from the trouble you've caused, I don't think you'll be getting the presidential suite. No, it's a pit of despair. Why do you think we want to come here?” Her tone was even, and he knew this wasn’t a demon’s taunts; this was just someone giving hard facts.
Dean wasn’t sure what answer he’d been expecting, or hoping for, but her words brought no reassurance or clarification. He was still headed for hell…and all he knew was that it was going to be worse than he would ever be able to fathom. He may never admit it, but he was starting to fear the result of the deal that had saved his brother.
* * * * *
Sam trudged around the motel room gathering his clothes and tossing them roughly into his duffel. He was glad to be done with this case. Glad he’d killed the demons, couldn’t regret that, but he didn’t feel good about having to kill the 2 humans they were riding. As he continued shoving things into his bag, the door opened and Ruby appeared.
“Leaving so soon? We haven't even had a chance to celebrate,” she said in her usual dry tone.
Sam’s nostrils flared in disgust, “Yeah, well, you can celebrate without me.” He’d had enough for one day, for several days actually, and he didn’t really think he could stand her double-talk and derision right now.
“You're not gonna get all pouty on me now, are you? Come on! You killed two demons today.”
“Yeah, well, maybe you don't care, but I killed two humans, too.”
“Sam, you know what happens when demons piggyback humans. They leave them rode hard and put up wet. Chances are those two would have died a slow, sticky death. You probably did them a favor.”
“Did them a favor?” Sam’s lips curled in repulsion, “You're a cold bitch, you know that?” Sam turned away from Ruby and reached for the colt on the bed.
“Yeah, and this cold bitch has saved your ass a couple of times now. Some respect might be nice. Especially if you want me to help you out with Dean and his little problem.”
“You know what?” Sam said, gripping the colt and turning back toward Ruby, “You keep dangling that, but last I checked, Dean's still going to hell.”
“Everything in its own time, Sam,” Ruby said, narrowing her eyes, “There’s a quid pro quo here. We're in a war. “
“Right,” Sam mocked, “But for some reason, you're fighting on our team. Now, tell me, why is that again?”
“Go screw yourself. That's why.” Ruby spat at him.
“Oh I see,” Sam said sarcastically.
“I don't have to justify my actions to you, Sam. If you don't want my help, fine, then give me the gun and I'll pass it on to someone who will use it.”
Sam raised the colt, aiming it at the blonde demon’s chest. “Maybe I'll just use it on you.” He stared coldly into her eyes. The clock was ticking on Dean’s deal and he had no time for her games anymore. And quite frankly, he’d grown more than a little tired of her attitude.
“Go ahead, if that makes you happy. It's not gonna do much for Dean, though,” She paused, “So, what's it gonna be? Hmm?”
Sam blinked and swallowed hard. He knew he really had no other options right now. And if worse came to worst, he could always shoot Ruby later. He lowered the gun.
“That's my boy.” Ruby crooned, as Sam swallowed against the war of emotions waging in his brain at the thought of really working with this demon-bitch. “This won't be easy, Sam. You're gonna have to do things that go against that gentle nature of yours. There'll be collateral damage...but, it has to be done.”
“Well, I don't have to like it.” Sam said and turned away from Ruby again.
“No. You wouldn't be Sam if you did. On the bright side, I'll be there with you. That little fallen angel on your shoulder.”
Sam’s skin was already crawling by the time Ruby finished that sentence. He wanted to hit her, shoot her, do anything but collaborate with her. He closed his eyes and let his head fall. This was for Dean, and Sam could do anything for his brother.
* * * * *
The boys continued to work cases, because it was Dean’s wish to kill as many evil things as he could before…well in the next year, and because Sam could not deny his brother the only coping skill he had outside of a flask. They were in the Impala, driving toward a case where it seemed fairy-tales were killing people.
“I don't understand, Dean. Why not?” Sam asked impatiently, sounding every bit the annoying little brother Dean was finding him to be at this moment.
“Because I said so,” Dean said, if Sam was going to be a petulant child, then Dean would play the stubborn big brother. It had been a couple of weeks since they’d agreed to “just see how it went,” and the tension between them was at near-snapping level.
“We got the Colt now!” Sam shouted. Sam was grateful that Dean had not left him alone, but was still working on getting past the hurt of his brother’s rejection. Dean’s wish to see how things went had translated into ignoring everything that had happened and just working cases. They’d barely been able to look at each other.
“Sam...” Dean’s voice had taken on that warning tone that always meant big brother had taken about all he was going to put up with.
“We can summon the Crossroads Demon…” Sam started shouting, but was interrupted by Dean’s even louder shout, “We're not summoning anything!”
“...pull the gun on her and force her to let you out of the deal!” Sam finished forcefully.
“We don't even know if that'll work!” Dean was tired of going over this with Sam; they simply could not screw with the deal and risk Sammy’s life.
“Well then we'll just shoot her! If she dies then the deal goes away!” Sam countered.
“We don't know if that'll work either, Sam! All you're pitching me right now is a bunch of ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’ and that's not good enough, because if we screw with this deal, you die!” Dean was yelling now, hoping if logic didn’t get through his little brother’s thick skull, maybe volume would.
“And if we don't screw with it, you die!” Sam shouted, pain and frustration bringing his voice up several decibels. He was tired of Dean’s blanket decisions, tired of being told how things were going to be, whether he liked it or not.
“Sam, enough! I am not going to have this conversation.”
“Why, because you said so?” Sam mocked.
That was it, Dean had had enough of this and he was going to finish this conversation, “YES BECAUSE I SAID SO!” he roared.
Sam was not moved, “Well you're not Dad!” Hazel met green in a stare-down neither brother was ready to give up.
Finally, Dean yelled back, “No, but I am the oldest. And I'm doing what's best. And you're going to let this go, you understand me?”
Sam did not understand. He was angry and frustrated and it probably looked to Dean like he was being the pouty little brother, but this was Dean’s life they were talking about. How could Sam just let Dean go? He had no intention of doing any such thing, but he knew Dean enough to see that this conversation was already over, so he just stared out the window, fixing a scowl on his face to stop the tears he felt building.
Dean thought he saw something behind Sam’s glower, so he offered the best peace offering he could and changed the subject, “Tell me about the psychotic killer.” When Sam didn’t answer he pressed, “C'mon, Sam, tell me about the psychotic killer.” Sam sighed heavily and rolled his eyes before gathering up his file on the case and laying out the details for his brother.
* * * * *
Chapter 4b