Worth It
Title: Worth It
Author: deansdirtybb
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: PG-13
Words: 4438
Warnings: Wincest
Spoilers: Specifically Season 2 and 3, although some themes from Season 4 might slip in
Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing these characters - if only these pretty, pretty boys were actually mine...
Summary: Wincesty take on the Season 2 finale
AN #1: This is my very first fic ever. I'm a bit nervous, but would love some feedback. This could just be a oneshot, but if people like it, I am thinking it develops into a WIP that will sort of follow season 3 but have Sam beginning to explore his powers before Dean's deal is up to try to save him.
I've used some original dialogue and scenes from the Season 2 finale mixed with my own words.
AN #2: Many, many thanks to sammichgirl - for reviewing, and giving me enough awesome feedback (and just the right amount of pushing) to get me to post. Much love - you are the best!
Worth It
Dean ran back to the Impala and slid behind the wheel of his baby. He had to get back to his brother, his Sammy. Had to know if it had worked. He turned the key in the ignition and peeled away from the crossroads pointing the car towards the cabin where he’d left his brother lifeless on a dirty mattress.
He hadn’t wanted to make a deal with a demon, it was the last thing he wanted. Well, the second to last thing. The last thing Dean wanted was to fail his one job, to lose his baby brother. As he’d sat next to the bed looking at the cold skin of his Sammy, he’d ached in a way he’d never believed a person could survive. His soul shattered with the loss of the only thing that ever truly mattered to him. His beautiful brother was gone, and despite all the hours spent together on long drives and in cheap motel rooms, Dean had never shown Sam how he felt. That he wasn’t just Dean’s brother, he was Dean’s whole universe and what Dean wanted more than anything was to hold Sam, press skin to skin, kiss every inch of …what Dean wanted was so much more than brotherly. And so far from the normal that Sam cherished and deserved.
Sam had tried to push the boundaries when they were kids. He’d hinted and flirted and finally even kissed Dean, but Dean had pushed him away. It was his job to protect his little brother, and sometimes that meant protecting Sam from Dean himself. That tiny push to move Sam’s mouth from his had taken more strength than every hunt he’d ever been on with his father, but he’d done it. Could always find that extra strength to keep his Sammy from harm. That tiny push had been strong enough to send Sam all the way to California; to college, to a pretty girl, into a normal life and far away from the dangers of hunting…and his twisted older brother.
But now, now Dean had one year. One year to take all the things he’d denied himself. One year to give Sammy everything he’d been asking for with that kiss. If Sam would still have him.
* * * * *
Sam woke to incredible pain in his back. He rose and went to the mirror to check for a wound. Down the center of his back there was an angry red line, but he couldn’t quite piece together what had happened. The last thing he remembered clearly was fighting with Jake, then Dean showing up. He’d been so relieved to see his big brother there with him. Then everything is jumbled and hazy and he’s not sure how he got from Cold Oak to…this cabin, wherever it is. Before he could work that through the door opened and Dean stepped in.
“Sammy? Thank God.” Dean stepped forward and wrapped Sam in his arms. He was warm and he smelled like his Sammy again and Dean could hear him saying “Ow,” but could only wrap him tighter in his arms because his brother was here and alive. Dean held onto Sam and couldn’t stop the tears that spilled over as the shards of his soul started to come back together.
“Dean,” The sound of his name coming from Sam’s lips pulled Dean back from his thoughts and he released his brother and stepped back.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry man, I’m just..I’m just happy to see you up and around, that’s all. Come on, sit down.” Sam looked at Dean and he knew there was something more behind Dean’s reaction. He also knew his brother wouldn’t have a chick-flick feelings discussion, so he decided to let it rest for now and sat with his brother. “Okay. Dean…what happened to me?”
Dean wanted so much to pull Sam back into his arms and tell him everything. That Sam had died in Dean’s arms and Dean realized as the life had drained from his brother that pushing away from Sam’s kiss had been the biggest mistake. He wanted to tell Sam that he knew he could never live without his brother so he’d done the only thing he could do. But Dean knew what telling would cost Sam, and Dean’s drive to protect Sammy was unchanged, still stronger than his own desire to hide from the truth in Sam’s warm arms. Best to play it safe, “Well, what do you remember?”
“I-I saw you and Bobby, and...I felt this pain. This sharp pain, like...like, white-hot, you know, and then you started running at me, and...that's about it.”
“Yeah, that-- that kid, stabbed you in the back. You lost a lot of blood. It was pretty touch and go for awhile.”
There was that something behind Dean’s eyes that he wasn’t saying again. “But Dean, you can't patch up a wound that bad.”
Sam’s face was twisted with confusion as his eyes met Dean’s. He really should just tell Sam the truth now, before he found out another way, but he just couldn’t. Didn’t know how to tell his brother he’d sold his soul because he was too weak to face a life without Sammy. Had no way to say he would leave Sam alone in just a year to face the pain Dean himself wasn’t strong enough to endure. “No, but Bobby could. Who was that kid, anyway?”
“His name's Jake. Did you get him?”
“No, he disappeared into the woods.” Dean felt a twinge of guilt mixed with relief that Sam had changed the course of the conversation so easily.
“We got to find him, Dean. And I swear I'm gonna tear that son of a bitch apart.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy there, Van Damme. You just woke up, all right? Let's get you something to eat. Huh? You want something to eat?” Sam knew his big brother was protective of him, but this seemed to be something more. He really wanted to know what was going on with Dean, but he could tell he’d get nowhere until Dean was ready to talk. Anyway he was hungry so he simply nodded as Dean said, “I'm starving. Come on.”
Sam rehashed the events from Cold Oak with Dean over pizza. It felt like a thousand other dinners in dirty motels or abandoned buildings, almost. Sam could tell Dean’s mind was fully hooked onto every word from Sam’s mouth, but he could see his brother’s heart was dealing with something entirely different. “Dean, what is going on with you? I mean, are you ok?”
Dean looked into his brother’s hazel eyes so full of honest concern and he couldn’t lie to him again. He still wasn’t ready to give him the whole truth either so he settled for, “Sam, you were missing for days. I sent you into that diner and then you just disappeared. I couldn’t get to you, Sammy and I didn’t even know if you were a-“
“Dean, it’s ok. I’m ok, I’m right here.” Sam cut his brother off. He understood now, could imagine how freaked he would have been not knowing if Dean was alive or dead for days. And he knew that Dean blamed himself since Dean saw it as his life’s mission to protect his little brother. He put his hand on his brother’s shoulder and squeezed the muscle there. “You saved me, Dean.”
Tears appeared in Dean’s eyes and he ducked his head, “Yeah, just wish I’d have gotten there just a little sooner Sammy. Could have saved you so much pain.”
Sam tilted his head at his brother. “So much pain? Really Dean, it’s not the first time I’ve been hurt and I’ll be fine. Seems like Bobby did a great job patching me up.” One look into Dean’s green eyes told Sam his brother remained unconvinced. Sam was confused, why was Dean acting this way over a stab wound? Sure, he would have been in a bit of a tailspin at a near-loss of Dean, but they both got beaten, stabbed and worse on a regular basis. It came with the job. “Seriously, Dean, I’m fine.”
“Okay, Sammy.” Dean tried to just let it drop. He knew Sam thought Dean had meant to spare his brother from the physical assault of a knife in his back. Dean was really more concerned with the emotional beating his brother was going to suffer when he discovered Dean’s deal. If he could just delay Sam’s discovery he could figure out a way to lessen the sting.
“The demon said he only wanted one of us to walk out alive,” Sam said.
“He told you that?’
“Yep,” Sam said with a huff, “He appeared in a dream.”
“He tell you anything else?”
Sam shook his head and looked down as he answered, “No. No. That was it. Nothing else.” Dean knew his brother enough to see there was something Sam was hiding, but he also realized that if he pushed Sam, Sam could very well push him and he wasn’t ready to talk. “You know, what I don't get, Dean, is if the demon only wanted one of us, then how did Jake and I both get away?”
“Well, I mean, they left you for dead. I'm sure they thought it was over.” Dean turned his head away from Sam and ripped of a large bite of pizza. “So now that Yellow Eyes has Jake, what's he gonna do with him?”
“I don't know. But whatever it is, we gotta stop him.”
“Well, hold on. You need to get your rest. We got time.” Dean had just gotten Sam back, he didn’t want to be any part of putting him back in danger.
“No, we don’t.” Sam was just as Winchester-stubborn as his big brother and he wasn’t going to let the demon and Jake get away just because Dean’s “protect Sammy” need was in overdrive.
Dean frowned and stepped toward his brother, “Sam, oceans aren't boiling, okay? Frogs aren't raining from the sky. Let's get you your strength back first.” Sam saw the pleading look in Dean’s eyes and for a moment he wanted to give in. Just stay here and hold up with Dean. But Sam couldn’t relax with his brother while Yellow Eyes and Jake burnt the world to the ground.
“Well did you call the roadhouse? Do they know anything?”
Dean looked down, “Yeah”
“Dean…what is it?”
Dean sat down and when he looked up at his brother Sam saw that familiar mix of guilt and pain that Dean wore all too often. “The roadhouse burned to the ground. Ash is dead. Probably Ellen-- a lot of other hunters, too.”
“Demons?”
“Yeah, we think so. We think because Ash found something.”
“What did he find?”
“Bobby's working on that right now.”
“Well, come on then. Bobby's only a few hours away.” Sam stood from his chair but Dean put his hands on Sam’s shoulders to stop him.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, Sam, stop. Damn it. You almost died there. I mean, what would I have-- you just take care of yourself for a little bit, huh? Just for a little bit?” Sam could see tears and a world of emotion in Dean’s green eyes.
He suddenly felt the full weight of his brother’s love and responsibility in a way he hadn’t since before Stanford. Sam was pulled back to that time, the feelings he still harbored for Dean. Sam had kept those feelings locked tight away since the day Dean had pushed out of that kiss. He could never face the rejection of the man he loved more than words could ever describe. It had nearly killed him the first time; that’s the only reason he’d ever left for Stanford. If he couldn’t really have Dean, if he had to stare at his beautiful brother and never touch him… Well, back then he’d thought it would kill him. What 4 years away had taught him was that the only thing worse than looking at Dean’s lips every day and not being able to kiss him, was to not be near his brother at all. So, when Dean had shown up in his apartment he vowed he would hide his sick lust for his brother, be the good little brother that Dean needed so Dean wouldn’t send him away again.
Now, looking into Dean’s eyes, he could almost make himself believe that Dean felt that same pull of a love beyond brotherhood. But he knew better than to let himself go there.
Sam shook his head, as much to clear it as to convey his disagreement. “I’m sorry. No.”
Dean recognized the set to Sam’s jaw that said little brother wasn’t backing down on this. He had no way to argue with him that didn’t involve spilling the entire “I sold my soul for you” story. So Dean just clenched his own jaw and shook his head at Sam.
* * * * *
They’d been pouring through books and searching over maps in Bobby’s library for hours now. Dean wanted to find the answers and stop the demon as bad as Sam, but he found himself distracted. It seemed since he’d allowed the secret desires back into his consciousness he was having a harder time focusing on anything other than his brother. He found himself stealing glances every time he was sure Sam was focused on something else. He watched the way Sam’s shaggy hair fell forward and begged for hands to tangle up in it as he bent over a book. As Sam looked up through the shelves of old books, Dean had looked up the long tanned column of his baby brother’s throat, imagining how that honey-skin would taste if he licked it, how the flesh would give if he bit it. And currently his eyes had traveled up the never-ending length of Sam’s legs until they rested on his perfect tight ass.
He was broken out of his thoughts by Bobby’s gruff voice, “I don’t believe it.” Bobby said as he set a large book on the table in front of Dean.
Sam turned and walked toward the table “What? You got something?” Dean blinked, now was not the time for feeling up his brother with his eyes. He forced himself to focus on the conversation as he, Ellen, Bobby and Sam pieced together what the demon was up to and how they might stop it.
* * * * *
Sam sat next to his brother in the Impala as they drove toward the cemetery in Wyoming. He glanced over at his brother who was concentrating on the road in front of his baby as they traveled well over the speed limit.
“What Sammy? I can feel you looking at me.”
Sam shook his head. “Nothing. Just…do you think we can really do this? Stop the demon this time?” It had nothing to do with what Sam had actually been thinking, but was a much safer topic. Something had changed in Dean, he just hadn’t quite pieced it together yet. He was pretty sure that while they’d been researching at Bobby’s Dean had been watching him. Sam wasn’t really sure why, although he suspected it had to do with Dean’s need to keep his little brother within sight after almost losing him. Part of Sam wanted to believe that the looks Dean kept sliding at him had little to do with being a protective big brother. After all, he’d been carefully stealing glances at Dean too. He was really trying not to think that way about his brother, he really was. But it wasn’t easy, not when those lips, those full perfect, soft lips were that close.
“I don’t know Sammy. But I figure it’s as good a plan as any. We got at least a few more hours of driving, try to get some rest; you’ve been through a lot the last few days.”
“Yeah, ok Dean. Wake me when we’re close.” Sam had no intention of actually nodding off, but feigning sleep would prevent him from staring at his brother and possibly getting caught. So he slid down in the seat as much as his legs would allow and leaned against the window and he remembered. Remembered how soft those full lips had been the one time he’d actually worked up the courage to act on his feelings.
Sam had just turned 18. He had been watching Dean and he was sure now. Sure that Dean had these same feelings that Sam did. He’d tried to forget, dated girls, but every time he kissed one, his mind brought up his brother’s face. It was Dean’s lips that he really wanted pressed to his. Dean’s tongue tangled in his mouth. Dean’s hands on his hips pulling him in closer. Only Dean. And so, Sam had watched his big brother and he was sure he’d seen the same look of want on Dean’s face. He knew his brother, knew his need to protect Sammy and his drive to be a good soldier would never let Dean act on feelings toward his little brother. No matter how much Dean may have wanted it, Sam would have to be the first one to take that step forward.
That night Dad left on a hunt. Dean was still healing from a particularly brutal run-in with a poltergeist and was left home. He wasn’t happy about it saying he was fine, didn’t need any more time, but Dad had insisted. Sam was secretly glad to be left alone with Dean.
“I’ll be back in 3 days, 5 at the most. Take care of your brother,” John had said on his way out the door. Sam made mac and cheese for dinner and he and Dean sat watching an edited for TV watered down version of a crappy horror movie. Well, Dean was watching, Sam’s attention was split between stealing glances at Dean and trying to plot his big move. Dean finished his dinner and Sam grabbed their bowls and took them out to the kitchen. When he returned he sat down closer to Dean and Dean just looked into his face. For a moment green eyes just stared into hazel and neither of them so much as breathed. Sam finally broke the spell as he simply leaned in and pressed his lips to Dean’s.
“Hey Sammy,” Dean gently nudged his brother’s arm, “We’re here man.”
Sam’s eyes gradually blinked awake and he smiled a slow grin at his brother, “Hey Dean, I guess I was dreaming.”
Dean had noticed the glances Sam had been making across the car and while Sam had napped, Dean had come to a decision. If he only had a year left with his brother, he was going to soak up everything he could from that time. Enough Sammy to carry him through the pit. And from the way Sam had been eyeing his lips, it seemed to Dean that Sam probably still wanted that kiss. His gaze softened as he took in the love in his brother’s gaze, “Yeah, Sammy. Was it a good one?”
“Mh-hm. Cute boy. Stolen kiss. You know.” Sam looked into his brother’s green eyes, letting a little of the heat he felt show through his own hazel eyes.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, Dean.”
“Sammy,” Dean started, but paused as his voice hitched. “Sammy, I want you to be careful tonight. I meant what I said. I almost lost you and I truly don’t know what I would do without you. You…you’re…” Dean wanted to say all the things Sam so deserved to hear. How much he loved Sam, that Sam was his entire universe, that he would do anything to keep him safe, hell he’d do anything just to see that damn dimpled smile of his. But Dean was not a man of words, he was a man of action, so he acted.
Sam’s eyebrows shot up as he realized his brother had just leaned across the car and was kissing him. His Dean had those beautiful lips pressed against his and he was about to question what was happening when he felt Dean’s tongue trace to line of his lips and he lost all ability for coherent thought. His head was filled with only “Dean” and “Yes.” He opened to Dean’s tongue and let himself get lost in the feeling of his brother’s lips against his, the taste of Dean in his mouth.
Dean felt the way Sam tensed and then almost immediately relaxed into him. He nearly lost it when his brother opened his mouth for Dean’s tongue. He threaded his fingers through Sam’s stupidly long hair and just held Sam’s mouth to his as he tried to pour all his feeling into the kiss. He groaned when he felt Sam’s hands at his waist pulling them closer together. It felt so good, finally right, to be kissing Sam like this to have Sam’s big hands at his waist.
He pulled reluctantly from Sam’s lips, cupped his hands around his brother’s face and looked into Sam’s eyes. Even though Sam had returned the kiss, he was terrified of what he might find there. “Sammy?”
“Yeah Dean.” Sam said, then started over, trying to pour all his earnest emotions into his tone, “I mean, yes. I still want this, want you, I’ve always wanted it. I always will want it.” Sam wrapped his hand around the back of Dean’s neck, fingers tickling at the ends of Dean’s short hair. “Please, don’t push me away again. Please tell me you mean this?”
Dean closed his eyes and exhaled in relief. He nodded, “Yes, Sammy. I mean it. I want this, more than this.” Dean stroked his thumb along the sharp line of Sam’s cheekbone, “So, I also mean it when I say, be careful here. Do. Not. Put. Yourself. At. Risk. Understand, little brother?”
Sam shivered at the wrong-hot feeling of hearing Dean call him little brother in his husky sex voice, then quickly caught on to the seriousness in Dean’s request. “Yes, Dean. I promise. I will be careful.”
“Good.” Dean said, dropping his hands from Sam’s face and turning to open the car door.
“Dean?”
“Yeah Sammy?”
“If I’m a good boy, will I get a reward?” Sam’s voice dropped on the last bit and his fox eyes twinkled wickedly.
Dean couldn’t form a coherent response as all the blood left his brain, so he simply shook his head and got out of the car.
* * * * *
Sam had watched as the yellow-eyed demon tossed Dean across the cemetery and he felt terror. He’d run from trying to help Ellen and Bobby close the door only caring that he needed to get to Dean, only knowing that he couldn’t survive anything happening to his big brother. Then he’d stood pinned and utterly helpless as the demon aimed the gun at Dean and for a moment his world stopped. Then Dad had appeared and Dean had shot the son of a bitch and thank god, or whoever because, life without Dean…well, he just could not stomach even imagining it.
Then when he’d had a chance to catch his breath and the pieces had fallen together, the picture he’d been left with stole the air right back out of his lungs. Dean had made a deal. With a demon. To save Sam.
“You know, when Jake saw me...it was like he saw a ghost.” Sam huffed, “I mean, hell, you heard him, Dean. He said he killed me.”
“I'm glad he was wrong.”
“I don't think he was, Dean. What happened...after I was stabbed?” Sam had his set jaw and firm gaze aimed at Dean in a way that said he didn’t want to push, but he clearly expected the truth from the elder Winchester.
“I already told you,” Dean tried.
“Not everything.”
“Sam, we just killed the demon. Can we celebrate for a minute?”
“Did I die?” There were tears in Sam’s eyes and his voice was shaking and Dean simply could not take this. Couldn’t stand that his decision was going to hurt Sam. Sam continued, “Did you sell your soul for me, like Dad did for you?” Sam’s voice hitched with that and Dean’s protective instincts kicked and he couldn’t help but immediately deny anything that would hurt Sammy. Even if he lied through his teeth.
“Oh, come on! No!” It came out in his no-nonsense big brother tone, and Dean hoped it would get Sam to back down.
“Tell me the truth.” Sam demanded gently, and Dean sniffled as he tried not to break. “Dean, tell me the truth.”
“Sam...” Dean let out a small humorless chuckle and looked down at the ground unable to face the pain he’d put on his baby brother’s beautiful face.
Sam’s voice broke as he asked the most dreaded question, “How long do you get?”
Dean met Sam’s teary eyes with his own, looked at the ground then back up, “One year. I got one year.”
“You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that?” The tears that had been threatening started to spill from Sam’s eyes.
“Don't get mad at me.” Dean shook his head as he startled to lose the battle with his own tears. “Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job.” His face was pleading; Sammy had to understand that Dean just wasn’t Dean if he couldn’t protect his baby brother.
“And what do you think my job is?” Sam asked.
“What?” Dean frowned, honestly confused.
“You've saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you?” Their eyes locked together and Sam went on, “You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this.” They both looked at the ground before Sam finished with, “Guess I gotta save your ass for a change.”
“Yeah,” Dean said and he felt Sam’s big hand on the side of his face. “Okay, Sammy.” Dean put his hand over Sam’s and stepped in closer. Their lips were millimeters apart when they heard Ellen and Bobby’s approaching footsteps and they pulled back. Sam whispered, “later,” quietly and Dean gave a short nod just before Ellen came up behind them. The boys tried to concentrate on Ellen’s words, but each already had their minds only on getting his brother alone.
* * * * *
Chapter 2
Master Post