White Collar fic
Title: Just for me
Fandom: White Collar
Pairing: Peter/Neal
Summary: After fantasizing about each other for so long, they're finally building a relationship. But they're surprised at the twists their fantasy lives still take.
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A continuation of this: http://daria234.livejournal.com/17227.html
Peter dreams of Neal's back.
The glide of fingertips across Neal's skin. The top of the back of the neck, where, if Peter makes him sweat, just the most miniscule tips of Neal's hair will curl up, unkempt. The lowest part, right above the cleft of his ass, where Peter loves to put his hand. Sometimes he just takes a second to look at his own hand, splayed across Neal's skin, at the lush goosebumps that rise just for him.
And Peter especially loves the muscles of Neal's back, tensing up or relaxing depending on what Peter does. There are, perhaps, the most honest part of Neal. Certainly the most unguarded.
Neal, despite how well Peter knows him, can still hide something from Peter once in a while. His face, if Neal is calm enough, can still mislead, refuse to give anything away.
But Neal's back hid nothing. It was subtle, just the minute almost imperceptible motions that Peter might not be able to discern if his hand weren't planted on Neal's body, lightly pressing down to sense the tremors of Neal's visceral reactions - fear or excitement or ease. It was a hand on a spine, and a direct line to Neal's core, at least the core of his emotions at that particular moment, and it was a lot more than Peter got from Neal any other way.
The fact that this view of Neal's back also meant that Neal was about to give his body to Peter was, of course, a bonus.
Elizabeth once told Peter that some day he would have to accept that no amount of sex would break Neal open the way he wanted; nothing they could do in the bedroom would make Neal an open book. Or make Neal any less his own person.
Peter balked at this. He wanted to tell her that that's not at all what his relationship with Neal was about, that what they did in bed had nothing to do with that. That he had long ago accepted that as long as Neal followed the rules, Neal's head was far too complicated and tangled up to puzzle out. That he had no desire at all to domesticate Neal, to make him into some user-friendly version of his former self.
Of course the first thing that he wanted to say to her was, "Wanna bet?"
He ended up just nodding, a silent promise to think about what she said.
His thoughts took some unexpected turns, though, and he doesn't think it would be a good idea to bring it up before El does.
He probably won't bring it up to Neal either. It wouldn't go over.
The result of that conversation with El was one of the more elaborate fantasies about Neal he has had. He's not much into complex scenarios - but he's happy to try them for Neal. Peter likes games, but he usually gets off more on memories than hypotheticals.
But this one. It has legs.
It's the simplest of games, really. Neal will pretend to be one of his aliases. Halden, maybe. Maybe he can get Neal to tell him a new one.
But let's say Nick for now.
Because the key to this fantasy is that Nick is not actually Neal. Nick is a friend of the infamous Neal Caffrey, who is someone else entirely. But Nick is the only person who knows all of Neal's secrets.
Peter, in this game, will be some unknown bad guy who is in love with Neal Caffrey and is viciously threatening Nick Halden for information about his beloved. He wants to know everything, but his lover is so mysterious. So he lays a whip across Nick's thighs, he slides ice cold anal beads into Nick's ass, he puts a cockring or maybe some harsher device and refuses to let Nick cum. He punishes Nick any way he can think to do it, each time only stopping when Nick performs some small betrayal, when he gives up something about Neal Caffrey that the terrible sadist wants to know.
Peter prefers memories to hypotheticals, yes. Usually. But since thinking of it, this has been Peter's fodder for jerking off every time he sleeps alone, and sometimes in the morning too.
He knows it would never work. It's nice to imagine: Neal could talk about himself in the third person, as if he is not revealing anything of himself at all. Maybe that would make it easier. Maybe it would change everything, that simple act of pretending that he's not telling Peter anything about himself.
But Neal wouldn't agree to it. He wouldn't be able to really become someone else, anyway, even if he did. He had an oddly consistent sense of self for a highly adaptable con artist.
And Neal would see right through Peter if Peter ever asked.
The strange thing is, Peter could ask. Probably.
Not definitely. But probably.
A few months ago, even, Peter would have assumed that this would be exactly the kind of thing that would terrify Neal, that would make him retreat to some not-Neal persona that he used in front of other people. But even though Peter knows Neal wouldn't want this, he doesn't think it would crush Neal to learn this about Peter.
Neal probably figured out that Peter wanted this before he did.
So Neal would say no. He might be annoyed or hurt or even pout about how prying was Peter's favorite hobby. But it wouldn't be a breach of trust. That Peter wanted to take Neal's sense of autonomy and literally beat and fuck it out of him.
Neal would say no. But it would be okay.
And yet. If it's not going to happen, there's no reason to bring it up. It can continue to be Peter's own fantasy, a slightly guilty one, yes, but one that makes him cum like Neal's right in front of him, like his spunk is landing across Neal's back instead of in his own hand. Fast and hot and more intense than it has any reason to be.
There's no reason to tell Neal about this fantasy. It's fine just where it is.
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Sometimes, it's a strawberry. Red and glistening, bursting with juice in Neal's mouth.
An apple is good, too. Almost like a fairy tale - the bite that takes something away.
Neal sometimes imagines that Peter punishes him this way.
Neal does something. Something bad.
Peter responds by telling him that he's going to get an apple. He'll watch as Peter takes out a hypodermic needle and injects something into it, some fictional drug that has no side effects or danger and doesn't give you a headache after.
It makes Neal fall asleep, to drift in and out of a dreamlike consciousness, barely aware of anything.
Neal's punishment is that he doesn't get to know what his punishment is. It happens while Neal is asleep.
Knocked out with a drugged apple or strawberry, really. Maybe a date or an apricot.
Then Neal is drowsy and then he is barely awake long enough to feel Peter's strong arms catching him as he collapses.
And then dark drowsy blurry dreams. With the occasional vague sensation of something, but no way of knowing if it's a dream or real.
And then Peter waking him.
And then Neal has work to do.
Peter tells him that he has to figure out what was done to him while he was asleep. If he can figure out what his punishment was, then he will be forgiven. If he can't, then Peter will punish him again, this time so Neal will remember.
And then the detective work starts. Like a school for investigation that only has one kind of case.
Neal starts by feeling all over his body. It might not be something extreme - it might be just a hint of swollen lip; the "punishment" might have been nothing more than a kiss. It might be that Peter took advantage of the looseness of all his muscles and fucked him while he lay there unconscious (Neal thinks he might actually be able to get Peter to do this if he promises up and down that he really, really wants it). Then there would probably be physical evidence.
Same for spanking or anything done to the nipples. Visible signs, usually, afterward.
But there were so many other things.
Maybe Peter wrote something in some place Neal wouldn't think to look at in the mirror. "Property of PB" written in the arch of his foot or behind his ear, maybe.
Maybe Peter jacked him off and cleaned him up after, so the only clue was this odd satiation.
Maybe Peter cut a lock of hair, taking some part of Neal as punishment, as exertion of ownership.
Maybe it was just pain, a pinch to the balls or a slap on the shoulder, with no proof available to the naked eye. Just the sense of something not quite typical in those areas.
Neal would work through the possibilities, observed and guided by Peter, maybe even misled if Peter were in a mood. He would become hyper-aware of his body, trying to feel the residual effects of being so completely vulnerable to use, to being there strictly for Peter's pleasure. He would have to look and feel and focus on every part of himself, imagining all the things Peter could do, trying to get into Peter's head, to see his own body the way Peter did in order to solve the puzzle.
Neal likes to imagine that he figures it out every time. Though he knows that if they ever really played this game, the odds would likely be a little more even than that.
Of course he wouldn't put it past Peter to intentionally leave clues. Just so, if Peter won, he could claim that the game was perfectly fair and it's not his fault Neal didn't notice such an obvious giveaway.
But Neal doesn't think he's going to tell Peter this one. It's almost certainly on the list of things that Peter will so no to no matter what Neal says.
There are a lot of things on that list.
But if - and it's a big if - Peter somehow did want to try this, then Neal's not so sure it would be such a good idea. He's seen enough of Peter's competitive side - and intentionally brought it out enough - that Neal knows that this is exactly the kind of thing that would hit Peter's buttons. That thing inside that made Peter so nervous about himself, which made Peter say no to a lot of things he might otherwise say yes to. The whole game was Peter being able to do anything he wanted to Neal, and then Neal having to talk about all the thousands of things Peter could do to Neal.
The more Neal thought about it, the more he realized.
Peter would probably win every time.
More importantly, he would find some way to change the game so it wouldn't just be about physical acts. He would find some way to make it about how well Neal reads him and how well he reads Neal.
Of course, Peter would probably just refuse to play.
But if he agreed, he would most certainly play to win.
When Neal thinks about this, he wonders if it's a good idea to tell Peter.
Of course, he could always just explain that the fantasy gets him off like a rocket, but he doesn't want to actually do it.
Peter would understand. Or he would agree, anyway.
But this pretend version, where the strawberry is sweet and shiny and flawless, where Peter guiltlessly fucks a drugged up Neal and Neal has to explore himself with his fingers to figure out if it was more likely Peter's dick or some new toy, where no matter how creative Peter has been Neal always, always wins -- this is good.
This works for Neal. Really, really works.
He could tell Peter.
Sometimes, when he's really horny or really sad or really drunk, he thinks he could tell Peter almost anything.
But he doesn't have to. As much as they're both enjoying this new exploration of power in their relationship, Neal gets to have some things just for himself.
Even if they're really, really good things.
Fandom: White Collar
Pairing: Peter/Neal
Summary: After fantasizing about each other for so long, they're finally building a relationship. But they're surprised at the twists their fantasy lives still take.
-------------------------
A continuation of this: http://daria234.livejournal.com/17227.html
Peter dreams of Neal's back.
The glide of fingertips across Neal's skin. The top of the back of the neck, where, if Peter makes him sweat, just the most miniscule tips of Neal's hair will curl up, unkempt. The lowest part, right above the cleft of his ass, where Peter loves to put his hand. Sometimes he just takes a second to look at his own hand, splayed across Neal's skin, at the lush goosebumps that rise just for him.
And Peter especially loves the muscles of Neal's back, tensing up or relaxing depending on what Peter does. There are, perhaps, the most honest part of Neal. Certainly the most unguarded.
Neal, despite how well Peter knows him, can still hide something from Peter once in a while. His face, if Neal is calm enough, can still mislead, refuse to give anything away.
But Neal's back hid nothing. It was subtle, just the minute almost imperceptible motions that Peter might not be able to discern if his hand weren't planted on Neal's body, lightly pressing down to sense the tremors of Neal's visceral reactions - fear or excitement or ease. It was a hand on a spine, and a direct line to Neal's core, at least the core of his emotions at that particular moment, and it was a lot more than Peter got from Neal any other way.
The fact that this view of Neal's back also meant that Neal was about to give his body to Peter was, of course, a bonus.
Elizabeth once told Peter that some day he would have to accept that no amount of sex would break Neal open the way he wanted; nothing they could do in the bedroom would make Neal an open book. Or make Neal any less his own person.
Peter balked at this. He wanted to tell her that that's not at all what his relationship with Neal was about, that what they did in bed had nothing to do with that. That he had long ago accepted that as long as Neal followed the rules, Neal's head was far too complicated and tangled up to puzzle out. That he had no desire at all to domesticate Neal, to make him into some user-friendly version of his former self.
Of course the first thing that he wanted to say to her was, "Wanna bet?"
He ended up just nodding, a silent promise to think about what she said.
His thoughts took some unexpected turns, though, and he doesn't think it would be a good idea to bring it up before El does.
He probably won't bring it up to Neal either. It wouldn't go over.
The result of that conversation with El was one of the more elaborate fantasies about Neal he has had. He's not much into complex scenarios - but he's happy to try them for Neal. Peter likes games, but he usually gets off more on memories than hypotheticals.
But this one. It has legs.
It's the simplest of games, really. Neal will pretend to be one of his aliases. Halden, maybe. Maybe he can get Neal to tell him a new one.
But let's say Nick for now.
Because the key to this fantasy is that Nick is not actually Neal. Nick is a friend of the infamous Neal Caffrey, who is someone else entirely. But Nick is the only person who knows all of Neal's secrets.
Peter, in this game, will be some unknown bad guy who is in love with Neal Caffrey and is viciously threatening Nick Halden for information about his beloved. He wants to know everything, but his lover is so mysterious. So he lays a whip across Nick's thighs, he slides ice cold anal beads into Nick's ass, he puts a cockring or maybe some harsher device and refuses to let Nick cum. He punishes Nick any way he can think to do it, each time only stopping when Nick performs some small betrayal, when he gives up something about Neal Caffrey that the terrible sadist wants to know.
Peter prefers memories to hypotheticals, yes. Usually. But since thinking of it, this has been Peter's fodder for jerking off every time he sleeps alone, and sometimes in the morning too.
He knows it would never work. It's nice to imagine: Neal could talk about himself in the third person, as if he is not revealing anything of himself at all. Maybe that would make it easier. Maybe it would change everything, that simple act of pretending that he's not telling Peter anything about himself.
But Neal wouldn't agree to it. He wouldn't be able to really become someone else, anyway, even if he did. He had an oddly consistent sense of self for a highly adaptable con artist.
And Neal would see right through Peter if Peter ever asked.
The strange thing is, Peter could ask. Probably.
Not definitely. But probably.
A few months ago, even, Peter would have assumed that this would be exactly the kind of thing that would terrify Neal, that would make him retreat to some not-Neal persona that he used in front of other people. But even though Peter knows Neal wouldn't want this, he doesn't think it would crush Neal to learn this about Peter.
Neal probably figured out that Peter wanted this before he did.
So Neal would say no. He might be annoyed or hurt or even pout about how prying was Peter's favorite hobby. But it wouldn't be a breach of trust. That Peter wanted to take Neal's sense of autonomy and literally beat and fuck it out of him.
Neal would say no. But it would be okay.
And yet. If it's not going to happen, there's no reason to bring it up. It can continue to be Peter's own fantasy, a slightly guilty one, yes, but one that makes him cum like Neal's right in front of him, like his spunk is landing across Neal's back instead of in his own hand. Fast and hot and more intense than it has any reason to be.
There's no reason to tell Neal about this fantasy. It's fine just where it is.
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Sometimes, it's a strawberry. Red and glistening, bursting with juice in Neal's mouth.
An apple is good, too. Almost like a fairy tale - the bite that takes something away.
Neal sometimes imagines that Peter punishes him this way.
Neal does something. Something bad.
Peter responds by telling him that he's going to get an apple. He'll watch as Peter takes out a hypodermic needle and injects something into it, some fictional drug that has no side effects or danger and doesn't give you a headache after.
It makes Neal fall asleep, to drift in and out of a dreamlike consciousness, barely aware of anything.
Neal's punishment is that he doesn't get to know what his punishment is. It happens while Neal is asleep.
Knocked out with a drugged apple or strawberry, really. Maybe a date or an apricot.
Then Neal is drowsy and then he is barely awake long enough to feel Peter's strong arms catching him as he collapses.
And then dark drowsy blurry dreams. With the occasional vague sensation of something, but no way of knowing if it's a dream or real.
And then Peter waking him.
And then Neal has work to do.
Peter tells him that he has to figure out what was done to him while he was asleep. If he can figure out what his punishment was, then he will be forgiven. If he can't, then Peter will punish him again, this time so Neal will remember.
And then the detective work starts. Like a school for investigation that only has one kind of case.
Neal starts by feeling all over his body. It might not be something extreme - it might be just a hint of swollen lip; the "punishment" might have been nothing more than a kiss. It might be that Peter took advantage of the looseness of all his muscles and fucked him while he lay there unconscious (Neal thinks he might actually be able to get Peter to do this if he promises up and down that he really, really wants it). Then there would probably be physical evidence.
Same for spanking or anything done to the nipples. Visible signs, usually, afterward.
But there were so many other things.
Maybe Peter wrote something in some place Neal wouldn't think to look at in the mirror. "Property of PB" written in the arch of his foot or behind his ear, maybe.
Maybe Peter jacked him off and cleaned him up after, so the only clue was this odd satiation.
Maybe Peter cut a lock of hair, taking some part of Neal as punishment, as exertion of ownership.
Maybe it was just pain, a pinch to the balls or a slap on the shoulder, with no proof available to the naked eye. Just the sense of something not quite typical in those areas.
Neal would work through the possibilities, observed and guided by Peter, maybe even misled if Peter were in a mood. He would become hyper-aware of his body, trying to feel the residual effects of being so completely vulnerable to use, to being there strictly for Peter's pleasure. He would have to look and feel and focus on every part of himself, imagining all the things Peter could do, trying to get into Peter's head, to see his own body the way Peter did in order to solve the puzzle.
Neal likes to imagine that he figures it out every time. Though he knows that if they ever really played this game, the odds would likely be a little more even than that.
Of course he wouldn't put it past Peter to intentionally leave clues. Just so, if Peter won, he could claim that the game was perfectly fair and it's not his fault Neal didn't notice such an obvious giveaway.
But Neal doesn't think he's going to tell Peter this one. It's almost certainly on the list of things that Peter will so no to no matter what Neal says.
There are a lot of things on that list.
But if - and it's a big if - Peter somehow did want to try this, then Neal's not so sure it would be such a good idea. He's seen enough of Peter's competitive side - and intentionally brought it out enough - that Neal knows that this is exactly the kind of thing that would hit Peter's buttons. That thing inside that made Peter so nervous about himself, which made Peter say no to a lot of things he might otherwise say yes to. The whole game was Peter being able to do anything he wanted to Neal, and then Neal having to talk about all the thousands of things Peter could do to Neal.
The more Neal thought about it, the more he realized.
Peter would probably win every time.
More importantly, he would find some way to change the game so it wouldn't just be about physical acts. He would find some way to make it about how well Neal reads him and how well he reads Neal.
Of course, Peter would probably just refuse to play.
But if he agreed, he would most certainly play to win.
When Neal thinks about this, he wonders if it's a good idea to tell Peter.
Of course, he could always just explain that the fantasy gets him off like a rocket, but he doesn't want to actually do it.
Peter would understand. Or he would agree, anyway.
But this pretend version, where the strawberry is sweet and shiny and flawless, where Peter guiltlessly fucks a drugged up Neal and Neal has to explore himself with his fingers to figure out if it was more likely Peter's dick or some new toy, where no matter how creative Peter has been Neal always, always wins -- this is good.
This works for Neal. Really, really works.
He could tell Peter.
Sometimes, when he's really horny or really sad or really drunk, he thinks he could tell Peter almost anything.
But he doesn't have to. As much as they're both enjoying this new exploration of power in their relationship, Neal gets to have some things just for himself.
Even if they're really, really good things.