follow-up

[controltower__]

Okay what it is that is getting to me so much is this: I have spent the past eleven months (okay, probably more, but it's been the central focus of my life for that time) striving to tell the whole truth and be generally honest (not steal, etc), be respectful of myself and those around me, go out of my way to be helpful and kind, and to be aware of

Comments

[stevendelap]

There are probably endless reasons why I'm ill-advisedly doing this including but not limited to: being self-absorbed, having been a zombie shut-in with buprenorphrine for blood for several years now and recently having a ... life event ... that has loosened that medications hold on the opiate receptors causing me to start having what feel like actual real emotions for the first time in 3 years, a fact that is causing me to behave in some strange ways I am definitely not used to anymore, the fact i'm kind of liking it, knowing that everyone migrated to tumblr so long ago i can't remember when exactly that was because I was never able to give up livejournal, the sentimental value is just too great, knowing the likelihood of you combing through your childhood journal and noticing an extra comment is highly unlikely, and on and on it goes

[stevendelap]

I think my first first reaction was guilt when I realized what I had done last night because when I came to you with the last ninth step i will ever do, with that frantic need to rip this disease out of my head because if i didn't there was a very real chance I would lose my mind and never get it back, I was pretty sure you could infer my earnestness by the lengths I went to, and the things said. As it turned out you still couldn't bring yourself to speak to me so the only logical conclusion I could draw from that was no matter what, my presence was a gross disruption of your well being. So despite the love for you as a person that I had grown to feel that comes after the pain, heartbreak, anger and forgiveness of someone you have loved romantically, I told myself I would make my greatest effort to leave you be. I think I may have slipped once or twice on some opiate-fueled sentimental evening back when I was on heroin for the entirety of my twenty seventh year, trying in earnest to just wrap all this life shit up for good, but for