follow-up

[controltower__]

Okay what it is that is getting to me so much is this: I have spent the past eleven months (okay, probably more, but it's been the central focus of my life for that time) striving to tell the whole truth and be generally honest (not steal, etc), be respectful of myself and those around me, go out of my way to be helpful and kind, and to be aware of

Comments

[stevendelap]

I think my first first reaction was guilt when I realized what I had done last night because when I came to you with the last ninth step i will ever do, with that frantic need to rip this disease out of my head because if i didn't there was a very real chance I would lose my mind and never get it back, I was pretty sure you could infer my earnestness by the lengths I went to, and the things said. As it turned out you still couldn't bring yourself to speak to me so the only logical conclusion I could draw from that was no matter what, my presence was a gross disruption of your well being. So despite the love for you as a person that I had grown to feel that comes after the pain, heartbreak, anger and forgiveness of someone you have loved romantically, I told myself I would make my greatest effort to leave you be. I think I may have slipped once or twice on some opiate-fueled sentimental evening back when I was on heroin for the entirety of my twenty seventh year, trying in earnest to just wrap all this life shit up for good, but for the most part you didn't hear from me, and I didn't think about it.

Well for whatever reason I thought about it today. Curiosity is another emotion that crippled in myself some time ago, but it's starting to get up and walk around again, and I came here. I read your (public) accounts of our relationship, and there was something so beautiful seeing it through those young, confused, erratic, but full of life eyes. I hadn't thought about it that way in a long time. I have this theory that when you look into the past at a significant relatioship, however far back it goes it is partially obscured and distorted by the pain you experienced afterwards, the assumptions you made because of that pain (it was all a lie! ect.), and something that i think is probably much more relevant in my case: the painful dark experiences you've had since the time you are reminiscing upon. I don't want to sound like I pity myself, because I don't. While entropy is a real thing and there are powerful forces out of our control exerting influence over everything that happens, The fault I bear over the darkness of my life is my totally inept handling of the internal reactions of that darkness.

I guess what I'm saying is: the last four years of my life have been primarily repugnant in a way that ... you know that moment when the lowest you've been is firm in your mind, and you realize in horror that there are levels below that, and you've found them? I haven't been happy in almost half a decade. In comparison, my most recent previous relationship was so cruel, devoid of tenderness, and riddled with betrayal, had I encountered it when I was the boy I was when I met you, I feel confident it would have destroyed me in a way that would have changed me completely. As it stands all i felt was a vague misery that I felt stuck in while it was happening, and immediate relief when it was over. I'm not sure I'll ever love again, but reading your account of ours was not only refreshing, but it reminded me of a part of myself and the world that I had lost touch with some time ago. It has strengthened my resolve to continue walking the path that will hopefully transform me into a real person again. a real thinking, feeling person. You have my thanks for that.

Thanks for loving me, and thanks for doing it so well, if only for 6 beautiful months in my life. People like me, we don't generally get to walk in worlds like yours, and they are such a breath-taking change of pace from the hellscapes of our minds that I know was lucky to experience it at all. You are the person who had the most brilliant mind at 18 out of anyone I've met in my entire life. You are more than welcome to keep your opinions on the matter of our love despite what I say, but for me, it was real. Real enough to only be repeated once for me. Real enough that losing an experience like that twice, in the catastrophic ways that I did, broke my heart in a way that once the cars healed prevented it from ever opening again. It makes me jealous of myself in the periods of time when I could love. I'll always treasure the experience.

Olive ewe.