follow-up

[controltower__]

Okay what it is that is getting to me so much is this: I have spent the past eleven months (okay, probably more, but it's been the central focus of my life for that time) striving to tell the whole truth and be generally honest (not steal, etc), be respectful of myself and those around me, go out of my way to be helpful and kind, and to be aware of

Comments

[stevendelap]

There are probably endless reasons why I'm ill-advisedly doing this including but not limited to: being self-absorbed, having been a zombie shut-in with buprenorphrine for blood for several years now and recently having a ... life event ... that has loosened that medications hold on the opiate receptors causing me to start having what feel like actual real emotions for the first time in 3 years, a fact that is causing me to behave in some strange ways I am definitely not used to anymore, the fact i'm kind of liking it, knowing that everyone migrated to tumblr so long ago i can't remember when exactly that was because I was never able to give up livejournal, the sentimental value is just too great, knowing the likelihood of you combing through your childhood journal and noticing an extra comment is highly unlikely, and on and on it goes.

I know this probably belongs in my own journal, and i'm smart enough to know that, but insane enough to do this anyway. If you think about it, a grown man writing in what is essentially a 19 year old's livejournal, i guess it's pretty creepy, but the parts that i played in what is recorded here, and the fact that it stops right at the moment when everything tender between us died, a certain odd perspective i have at the moment makes me feel like leaving a mark on it just seems right.

While people are constantly pairing and parting, and the passage of time - which has covered some long hard miles by now - often renders things that felt epic at the time into mundane and fuzzy memories drained of meaning - and believe me I haven't even thought about you, or hardly anyone in Austin since New Orleans swallowed me up unless a girl was giving me the whole past relationships third degree - for whatever reason I secretly consider my first love something sacred when it's all said and done. I can't remember the last time I was drunk, and that certainly isn't for a lack of trying. Nevertheless, last night I did something I didn't remember, and that was send you some gibberish. There is something I find a little strange about that considering I remember the rest of the evening, and my tolerance to alcohol is formidable. I think the lowering levels of maintenance therapy drugs which in turn loosened the death grip on the part of me that has feelings, and subsequently reconnecting with Josh on a whim had Austin on my mind, and I can't think of Austin without thinking of you. It had me thinking about what a bunch of fucking garbage AA is, because I'm happy for the 2% of people for whom it has a lasting effect, but the rest of us genuinely quivering, damaged souls who unfortunately drew the genetic joker card of being a drug addict who have a bone of realism in their body tend to resent how they fucked with our heads when we were vulnerable. How in my mid twenties, jumping in and out of rehab I was desperately clinging to what I was being told even though I knew deep down I didn't believe it, I simply hoped that if I did everything correctly then it would work for me. Something would change. In 2011, When that second part of me who intermittently steps in and makes insane decisions for me, who is master commander of all of my self loathing and destruction duties decided I was too happy, and I should get really fucked up on the highway and have a terrible car accident that got me into a lot of trouble, I really clung like a desperate, dirty little orphan to something that I was promised would stop me from taking everything I loved dearly and worked hard for away from myself, and just remorselessly blowing it the fuck up.